January 28, 2009

Hey little girlz, want some candy?

It's been nearly two years since I declared the Clique Girlz — then simply Clique — to be the next Huckapoo. Which I suspect you took to mean that you'd never have to hear about them again except in my fevered rantappreciations. So how did "the youngest pop group in the history of music" go from being a bad joke on an obscure blog (and vice versa) to the front page of the New York Times arts section? To answer that, we must travel back, back, back to the primordial era before the birth of rock 'n' roll.

It is the most famous legend in American musical history. Bluesman Robert Johnson was at a crossroad in his career, as well as an actual crossroad on a road, and he saw his musical future slipping away from him. In this moment of weakness, Johnson sold his soul to the devil. In exchange, Satan made Johnson the greatest guitar player who ever lived.

Cut to the present day.

In their drive to become the Next Big Thing in teenage entertainment, the Clique Girlz have had more opportunities than most.

The youthful trio, backed by Interscope Records and the powerful Creative Artists Agency, have opened for the Jonas Brothers and appeared on “Today,” where Al Roker called them “Hannah Montana times three.” They sang in last year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and Interscope has flooded YouTube with over 30 videos.

None of those sparks have started a fire. Instead, the Clique Girlz — Destinee Monroe, 14; her sister, Paris, 12; and their best friend, Ariel Moore, 14 — are in danger of washing out of the entertainment industry before their first full CD comes to market. So far, at least, digital downloads have been anemic, and play on Radio Disney, where programming is based on listener requests, has been modest at best.

But the Clique Girlz, who hail from Egg Harbor Township, N.J., have been thrown what could turn out to be a lifeline — and from no lesser a judge of talent than Michael D. Eisner, the former chief executive of the Walt Disney Company.

What did this shadowy "Michael D. Eisner" offer Destinie, Paris and Jasmine? Great talent? Please. This isn't the 1930s. No, in exchange for their immortal souls, the Clique Girlz got something far more valuable to today's aspiring pop tarts: an endorsement deal for Baby Bottle Pop, the candy treat that saved the Jonas Brothers at a similar low point. Yes, soon it will be preteen London and barely teens Destaney and Aurora who are singing that immortal jingle, "You can lick it, shake it and dunk it." Can you ever!

So much has changed for the girlzz in the last two years. Gone are the awesomely inappropriate songs in which they literally panted at the thought of paying a dollar to watch boys pop they collars (I just read that post again and if I say so myself, it's possibly my finest work ever). Now the MySpace page of Desitin, Barcelona and Mulan features instead shlocky Christian-radio ballads like Incredible and predictable baby-Brit dance riffs like How Do You Like Me So Far?

By the way, girls, if you're serious about tapping the Jesus market you'd be wise not to get photographed worshipping pagan idols.

At least they're still wearing those crazy outfits once cruelly described as "retarded pirate." And now it can be revealed for the first time that the Clique Girlz' staff fashion designer is Miss Marina Toybina of the House of Glaza. Whatever you think of her clothes, Marina is, quite frankly, a stone fox. Why they don't drop the kids and just put her on stage is beyond me.

But then, Team Clique has never been great about taking my advice. I daresay that they wouldn't have needed this new candy deal (with its oh-so-complex babyslut implications) if Momma Clique has just followed through on her promise to send me free promo swag. I mean, I went so far as to actually explain the joke for her, in violation of every rule this blog has. (Except the no more than five anti-caption entries per person rule, which too many of you violate as it is; you do know that posting under different names doesn't fool me, right?)

Instead, the panicky Clique clique turned on their blogger friend, baring their teeth in a flood of angry, defensive, creatively-punctuated comments. If you're looking for the moment when their fortunes fell, I think that's it right there. Unless it was when they tried to blackmail Nashville Star.

Anyway, good luck with the fame-through-candy-endorsement thing. How'd that work out for the Gemz?

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Also, cracks start to show in the NY Times language police facade:
"The candy has two parts, a nipple-shaped lollipop top and a bottle-shaped container filled with fruit-flavored powder."


Well, the article does describe it as "a mature brand."

"Lick it, shake it and dunk it"? Is jumpstarting puberty Disney's new goal?

I'm no historian, but I believe this is will be the first evr 3-D candy jingle song, yes?

You know that one of the members is leaving the group, right? They're already holding auditions for her replacement, pdf here:


NYT identifies Baby Bottle Pop as the "one of the Top 10 nonchocolate candy brands." That's quite a reach of a distinction.

Oh please. Nothing will ascend to the level of success of the Jonas Brothers campaign (they were label-less but had a REAL cult fanbase, not an imagined one, back then), so I hope the Cliquerz dissolve completely before they can taint the memory of it.

I did notice this blog is only creepily into tween girls and handily ignores the merits of the Jonas Brothers...but they happen to completely rule at everything they do, including - perplexingly - lame jingles.

No way these girls could cut it at having to rework the tune on their own as the Jonases did. Please. Ew.

@Ella. Creepy?! I've never heard such a ridiculous... oh, who am I kidding?

But we haven't completely ignored the Jonas lads. Not five months ago, my man Dave noted that they "haven’t written a decent song in two years." And shortly before that, I mentioned their "pretty crap" first album -- which, in case people were wondering, I eventually sold on Amazon for $120.

Busted FTW!

Busted? Really? Tsk.

No, I totally read those previous entries, I just happen to disagree. Like not even in a tweener OMGMARRYMEJONASBROS way, I am a just creepy overaged popculture watcher like yourself and I actually think they are very talented. (I'm female, so I am sure biology plays in here, but I am convinced that once the hysteria fades, this will become clear.)

It is well and good. I won't take your disapproval of them too personally. You like and listen to the Clique Girlz after all. Or listenED. To their un-album. ;)

Love your blog, anyways.

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