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March 1, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #230

Harry Effron

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

———Last week's results. ———Rules and tips.


First Place:
"OK, I brought you to Rome. Now blow me." -- Anonymous

Second Place:
"Wait a minute, the Coliseum is in a densely populated area with many buildings surrounding it, this doesn't make any sense." -- Dave W

Third Place:
"Oh good, we're at VIVIIIIXXXI Street. It's the next left." -- Rose Fox

Honorable Mention:
"Really? This is the shit they're giving us to work with this week?" -- Stephan Cox

"Because VII VIII IX! Ha ha ha ha!" -- Glenn

"What did I tell you? Isn't that tree spectacular?" -- Richard H

"I can't stop! There's no zero!" -- glimester

The "Sucking Up to the Judge" Award
(actually some competition this week):
"The powers here were Byzantine." -- CRC


"I brought you to a couple of digits- do you mind?"

(Edit of above):
"I brought you along a couple of digits- do you mind?"

"Oy VIII!"

"What!? This fucker won't do over X."

"This is not an accurate representation of reality...my sweet."

"Not much for spelling, were they? Anyway, on your right you'll see the remains of the coliseum where they had the 1932 and 1984 Olympics."

"I liked this mini-golf course better when your head was in my lap...your honor."

The hours here are all I've seen.

This car: it must be some kind of hot rod time machine.

Those are the Roman charges for my cell service out here.

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to I.

"He puts up one for every acquittal."

No, thanks, I just VIII.

"Do you think we got here before Christ?"

———Where do we XIT?———

"And on the right, Stanley, is your adult entertainment."

The craftsmanship isn't bad, but the style is very by-the-numbers.

Oh good, we're at VIVIIIIXXXI Street. It's the next left.

"Wait a minute, the Coliseum is in a densely populated area with many buildings surrounding it, this doesn't make any sense."

"Since when is there a public road on the Palatine Hill, which has both trees and a view of the Colosseum?"

Thought to self, "In more ways than one, I'm heading the wrong way for any double-D action."

The gas prices here are obscene.

"Eleven. Exactly. One louder."

"Look out. There's a chassis in the road!"

"What's the speed limit of sex?...LXVIII, because at LXIX you eat it."

It's for the war on terror - they're banning arabic numerals.

"You brought me all 'e way t'bleedin' Italy to see bloody Stone'enge? That money'd 'ave bought beer for the week!" [Domestic violence ensues.]

"Wow, the Romans sure had a penchant for gayness".

These go to eleven.

"How fuckin' dumb were the Romans? Eight doesn't come after two."

"Ah s——, s——, s——!...Suca, puttana! Suca!...Ah! Ah! AH! AHH!!...VENGO! VENGO! VENGOOOOO!!!!..."

"Something's wrong with the steering...feels like the front-left tire...poorly rendered...by the artist...hang on!"

"Oh good! We're just in time for the countdown for the first Italian space launch!"

"Little known fact, Honey, the Romans stole their aqueduct plans from the Polish"

Sicily, you crazy bastard!

"Jesus Christ! If you don't shut up with the counting in Latin I'm going to crucify you!"

We're staying here tonight,
'cause every time we fuck it's by the numbers.

"I have a great idea--Let's see if ancient Italian VII XII's have Slurpees."

"HONEY! WATCH OUT FOR THE GIANT VI....[car crashes]"

"Let's just go through the drive-through, and we'll get one from Column VII and one from Column XI. Which will make them into a 6 and and X. Heh heh. That sounds a little like 'sex.'"

"'Ooh! I guess over to the right was where the Romans watched porn movies!'" "You're a fucking idiot, honey."

"Why are the mileposts so damn close together? Forget calculating our gas mileage."

"...1,957...1,967...1,976...1,984...Oh, look! I think we're almost at the end!"

"Did you know that Super Bowl VII was played at the Los Angeles Colosseum, and that that was where Miami completed it's undefeated season, beating George Allen's 'over-the-hill gang', and that's why Mercury Morris is such a major asshole today?"

"Look at the one up ahead. I wonder what `Balboa' means?"

"You say it's Italian for HOLLYWOOD, I say it's today's lottery results."

I guess you're wondering why it's called the Appian Way.

"I *knew* they'd fuck up the Italian translation of _The Phantom Tollbooth_. Chuck Jones is rollling over in his grave..."

The hours here are Sistine.

It's not exactly Canton, but all of the old Super Bowl numbers are retired here.

"As Langdon approached the outskirts of Rome, he saw the symbols arrayed before him.... if only he could figure out what this strange sequence of letters meant."

"Harvey, every time someone asks me about your age, I describe it like the Roman structures in the foreground!"

"Well, Linda, every time someone asks me about your pussy, I describe it like the Roman structure in the background."

"We must have passed the XXX theater. Dammit!"

"Because VII VIII IX! Ha ha ha ha!"

"XCIX bottles of beer on the wall, XCIX bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around, XCVIII bottles of beer on the wall. XCVIII bottles of beer on the wall, XCVIII bottles of beer..."

"Hey, hon, how about we stop for a little LXIX?"

The powers here were Byzantine.

"Hey honey, look! The Romans built GIANT FUCKING NUMERALS HERE!"

"Boy, Walmart is sure getting more elaborate--marking their future building sites with giant stone X's."

"We've been driving in circles counterclockwise for hours, now."

I guess you're wondering why I've stalled here today.

"Yo mama is so old she was born in negative X!"

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to drive.

You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

(apologies to Charlton Heston)

"I would visit Rome more often if they didn't keep pushing their fucking numerals in my face."

public class LegacyNumberingSystemsUtil {
private static HashMap romanMapping = new HashMap();

static {
romanMapping.put( 'I', 1 );
romanMapping.put( 'V', 5 );
romanMapping.put( 'X', 10 );
romanMapping.put( 'L', 50 );
romanMapping.put( 'C', 100 );
romanMapping.put( 'D', 500 );
romanMapping.put( 'M', 1000 );

public static int romanToInt( String roman ) {
int accum = 0;
int last = 0;
for( int i = 0; i int val = romanMapping.get( roman.charAt(i) );
if( val > last ) {
accum -= ( last * 2 );
accum += val;
last = val;
return accum;

"891011... I'm telling you, this proves once and for all that Rush is a band for the ages."

"I thought the Europeans were on the metric system."

"And on the right, dear, is Stonehenge."

"So, I guess cost overruns killed this off-ramp."

"Obsessive-compulsive counting? I thought it was lead poisoning that did in the Romans."

"I'd better stop gawking at those enormous numeric carvings or my insurance premiums will go up."

"In ancient Rome, big numerals count you!"

"There are a lot of Roman ruins in this area."

"Isn't that where Bruce Lee kicked the shit out of that douche Chuck Norris?"

"Listen, when we get to IV just keep driving and don't even look at the girls." -- Brian L (JUDGE'S COMMENT: this is funny because Isla Vista, or IV, is the city where University of California Santa Barbara students live. It is known for its insane partying, property theft, and an insanely high STIs/person ratio.)

"wow, scenic, but it flys in face of all advancements made toward establishing linear perspective."

"Christ, not another one of DaVinci's fucking codes!"

"Reminds me of Ellis Hobbs' vacation at the end of XLII."

I guess we're wandering by the Coliseum here today.

"Caesar. Dead MMLIV years now. Poor bastard."

"Remember that time we put a Roman candle up your vagina?"

Enzo Ferrari, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?

"Honey, just like I've always said, the Romans were dicks."

OK, I brought you to Rome. Now blow me.

That's right, Raquel. Roman Polanski lives here. We're gonna make you a big star. You can fondle me now if you'd like.

"Ha ha! These ads are clever."

"Yes, The Numbers. But I think I liked The Gates better. A shame about his wife."

It's ancient graffiti! Those crazy bastards.

A funny thing is happening on our way to the forum.

"Yes dear, those were actual dick lengths in inches, not digits. Let's go back and read who's inscribed on XIII."

"That feels so good, baby. Ohhh... XI, X, IX, VIII, VII, VI, V, IV, III, II, I,....blastoff!!!"

"I always forget: Is it I before V, except after C?"

"I'm going to drop you off on the next block so Silvio Berlusconi can come out and sexually harass you."

Before the technology to miniaturize them was developed, the earliest sundials were quite large.

"Like I always say: When in Rome, do as the Romanians do."

"Really? This is the shit they're giving us to work with this week?"

Christ, what an X pole

No, that's not the tip of *my* cock protruding from the hood.

Good thing we go by that Mayan calendar,the Romans didn't give us a chance

WTF? I write a caption referencing Pamela's blogad, go to Radosh to post it, and the ad has been taken down. Screw it - here goes.

We're gonna collide with Pamela Anderson, but don't worry, she's got high-impact bumpers.

I can't stop! There's no zero!

"Let me know if you see a 7-Eleven"

Let's just say there were some misses before they settled on The "X" games.

"Hand me the Glock, Ethel. We're outnumbered."

The fall colors here are just spectacular.

"Honey, that 'V' reminds me of how beautifully your silky legs were spread before me last night when we were making love. Rome's cool!"

"Do you have the paintball gun ready?"

"I'm guessing these are the famous Roman Numerals we've heard so much about."

"Okay, check the map. We should be near Exene Cervenka's birthplace."

"I just want to say one thing. You ain't no Audrey Hepburn and this ain't no Roman Holiday. Capiche?"

"This is the spot where, in Spartacus, Tony Curtis said in his best Bronx accent, 'I teach da classics'."

"Shit, Pamela! I thought you meant sex between five and seven!"

"What the font?!!!!"

"If 'X' marks the spot, then why does my liver have spots all over it?"

"That was one hell of a drive-in movie."

"Here is where they would pillary you for using the lower case."

What a strange place to plant a tree. (Insert gratuitous "fucking" for emphasis as needed).

"Just like a Wop to insert a letter for a number."

"Hey, where's [fucking] 9? Ha, made you [fucking] look!"

He just left them here after Jeanne-Claude bit it.
Poor bastard.

can anybody even read this shit anymore?

"Andy Capp in Roman Holiday"

"Honey, hand me my glasses, i can't quite make out the house numbers."

"Wanna get to 12th base?"

"When in Rome, erect giant numeral statues like the Romans do."

"This trip is ruined, I'm telling you! Ruined!"

"These Roman numerals are about as swarthy as the New Yorker will get."

"I hate to break it to you, but it seems that the days of our roadster vacation are numbered."

"First person to count to XX gets to stick the other with the petrol bill."

"Why didn't they just write it down?"

"I made a film here in MCMLXXXVIII with Roberto Benigni. The Little Devil."

"What did I tell you? Isn't the tree spectacular?"

Your caption would be so much funnier if you indented.

"We finally made it to Fort DIX."

"I'm not wearing a hat. Don't you remember? Your head looks like a duck billed platypus."

All in all, I'd rather look at Pamela Anderson's big tits than these big numerals, but alas, there's no longer a choice.

Indented and single spaced.

Well, that's another week of hard driving, but I suppose the prize will go to some pedestrian again.

"It's too late to call 9-11 and scream. Our Toyota went so fast, we've gone back in time."

No, I thought you had the map.

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