need more stuff?

February 22, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #229

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
Anti cap 229 judges in bed.jpg

Rules & Tips

"At least 5 of us are going to need you to provide us with your best oral presentation skills, if you know what I mean." -- Glenn
"You're here early." -- Francis
"For a second there I thought I'd walked in on the proceedings of the SEC." -- Lugar

For more Honorable Mentions and a Judge's Comment for each, visit al in la's blog


If it pleases the Court, motion to get Al in La a life.

"I second."

"Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg? I barely even KNOW'er Ginsburg."

"I learned a little trick to calm myself down if I get nervous. I just imagine you're all naked. Also I imagine Clarence Thomas doesn't exist."

"Sonia Soto my ASS!"

"It smells like gefilte fish."

"Oy, vey. Oy vey."

[With a nod towards the film Fatal Instinct.]

"If it pleases the Court, may I at least close the curtains?"

"Look, I'm fucking tired of being told you'll sleep on it."

"But The New Yorker promised me I was finally going to meet an African American in one of their cartoons."

"I get it -- Clarence Thomas is actually white!"

"You guys finish whatever you were doing with those two Kenneth Starr lookalikes. I don't mind waiting for Justices Thomas and Stevens to get back."

Obvious real-life answer: "If it please the court I move adjourn for night-night."

"Counsel is directed to start with Kennedy here and just go up the line."

"I guess you're wondering why I called you here today."

(The universal caption that will now appear on every single cartoon until the end of time.)

"You're just a bunch of napping-headed hos."

Let Thurgood take credit for this idea. Who cares? He's dead.

"And my client alleges that HBO stole the concept for BIG LOVE from a story treatment he prepared in 1989 called NAKED JUSTICE in which... hey, hold on, shouldn't you guys be wearing robes?"

"I believe I left my car keys here following opening arguments in Blow v. Mee"

No, it's not an electric blanket. The heat is produced by Ginsburg's steamy farts.

"Fuck Clarence Thomas. Where's Diana Ross?"

I guess to a-dress the senate.

I guess it's time to a-dress the senate.

Thank you for joining us today Dr. Kevorkian. Let's get started.

The reason Justice is blind.

Thank you for your testimony. You may exit through the giant labia to your right.

See also: America: (The Book) pg 98-99

Court is adjourned. We will issue our ruling any time in the next 36 hours, when the moment is right.

For judicial decisions lasting more than four hours, see your sugeon general immediately.

"Well, you've convinced *me* on the topic of gay marriage."

———Justice Scalia———s possession of the remote comes with inherent power and responsibility to raise and lower the beds as he deems appropriate.———

"You're here early."

For judicial decisions lasting more than four hours, see your surgeon general. Consult a lawyer before use to determine if this Court is right for you.

Worst. Orgy. Ever.

"The current Biotronik ICS3000 programmer software enables recording of a filtered esophageal left atrial electrogram in addition to the surface ECG. It can be utilized to measure interatrial conduction intervals in patients with DDD systems irrespective of make and model. However, utilization of the ICS3000 programmer to measure interatrial conduction intervals that optimize the AV delay in patients with biventricular pace-makers and ICDs is dependent on patent protection."

"At least 5 of us are going to need you to provide us with your best oral presentation skills, if you know what I mean."

"Filibuster? I hardly knew her!"

"Scalia, you crazy bastard!"

Night Court 2010: Reality Edition

"The lawyers here are obscene."

Supreme Courtyard by Marriott——

"Whose brilliant idea was it to have Henry testify?"

"Yes, counsel, I do look like George Bush; the guy I've got my left arm around looks like Thurgood Marshall and, believe me, you don't want to know where my right hand is."

"Counsel, you may begin your submissions in the case of Serta v. Sealy."

Five to four? That's just plain kinky!

"Stop making a fucking federal case out of this."

Hurry up and finish before Sotomayor takes a monster drag off the joint.

Mutters to himself, under his breath: "Gawrsh, just imagine it, little twerpy ol' me, about to present a case before the esteemed Supreme Court. I'm pinching myself."

"Wait... was I invited to address the SCOTUS, or the scrotals?"

"I hate jail... except for the down pillows."

"I was expecting nine of you, but otherwise something seems off."

"Scalia had to recuse himself from our bacchanalian goings-on. He's an uptight Catholic."

"I beg your pardon, but Justice Sotomayor, given your seniority aren't you supposed to be all the way over on the right? Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn't notice your guest, Johhny Damon."

["...Johnny Damon."]

"I _like_ jail... better yet, Turkish prison."

"Got a light?"

"I'd like to discuss HR-2118, the Ban on Smoking in Federal Buildings Act. Would you please extinguish your cigarette, Your Honor?"

"It's like pornography: you know it when you see it."

"Jeez, if only Meese could get a load of THIS."

"Whomever is next on the docket better bring sanitary wipes."

"By a 7-2 margin, it was good for us."

"Clarence couldn't make it today, but at least we've got a Coke can."

"It's not as fun as it looks. I, for one, am now very drowsy."

"The ombudsperson is going to hear about this."

"For a second there I thought I'd walked in on the proceedings of the SEC."

"You guys make me ashamed to be an American."

We figured why not combine the best elements of the Supreme Court and a Japanese capsule hotel?


We'll hook up your feeding tubes and get a hearty breakfast in you before we convene.

Here's a play on that instant classic: "I guess I'm wondering why you all called me here today".

"I thought washington had a ban on smoking in public buildings."

I'm not saying you're old, just that you look like nine potato salads in the hot sun.

Next on the docket is Anti-Cappers v. Effron. You will review his decision on week #228, specifically, "I guess you're wondering why I called you all here today," and rule on his fitness to remain on the bench.

I suppose you were slumbering when I called you here today.

"Teacher says, 'everytime a bell rings, a Supreme Court Justice blows his nut.' 'Attaboy, Clarence.'"

"Judge Ginsburg thinks she's the meat in a sandwich, but I've got three salamis right here. And Justice Kennedy, are you raising your gavel, or are you just happy to see me? I see you smoke after sex- try more lubricant! Thanks, I'll be here all week."

"Permission to approach Ruth Bader Ginsberg's cock holster and marinate it with my testicular spoo, if it so please the court."

"I'm begging the court to get dressed and address trade dress protection on my one piece suit."

"Justice never sleeps. But it sometimes fucks you hard and rolls over for a quick snooze."

"If it pleases the court, I'd like to please the court."

Welcome to the taping of the pilot episode of "Who Wants To Fuck A Supreme Court Justice."

"It's great to see that a few bushes remain in politics"

Just wondering - how many of you geniuses slept through Bush v. Gore?

"Ever since that little prude, homo, virgin Souter stepped down, there hasn't yet been a dissenting opinion."

"What was it like? 'Two Girls, One Cup', minus the cup. So...do you have any breath mints or not?"

"I guess you're wondering why we all balled here today."

"No, I had John Stevens on my face, not Rick Santorum...ohh, you said I have santorum on my face. Ha ha! My mistake!"

"Wake Up, Everybody! This is just a one-week caption contest."

I suppose you're appalled at our blundering on Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission today.

"Wow, I knew 'mayor' means 'humongous' in Spanish, but who knew 'sota' means 'my nuts are'? Ay chi wa wa!"

"You're in the wrong building. This is the SCROTUS.

Nothing beats a nap and a smoke when you're done fucking the public.

"The hours here are supreme."

"You say a young boy wearing tights appeared at the window and then flew away?"

"Hey al, I think those opiates are working."

"Justice laid to rest is justice denied."

"If it please the court, I ask that you now turn your attention to Exhibit D... EEZNUTZ!"

"The right side IS the wrong side of the bed."

"In the matter of The New Yorker v Radosh.net, please do not accuse the Court of being in bed with the plaintiff. These are our chambers."

"fucked silly, you crazy bastard!"

"Go to sleep my baby, my baby, my baby
Go to sleep my baby
Baby of mine

"Vos totus taedium mihi!"

I guess you're all numbering the ways I've balled you here today.

The initiation rites came as a surprise, but Judge Sotomayor wisely accommodated all eight of them.

Frankly, many of us are waiting for a couple of you to die.

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dine on the Smegma of Justice"

"Would it please the court to please it's members after court?"

Alright then, that's 5-4 in favor of anal.

I guess you're wondering why I called you all queer today.

"I'm going to be honest with you, we're pretty much going to give this to whichever side gets us a twelve-pack the fastest."

"I'm ready with my argument. What do you mean you don't do oral?"

"So... THAT'S what Pro Bono means!"

"Now, THAT was 'supreme!'"

"I got your 'motion' right here!"

"Whaddya expect??! We wear robes all day long! ROBES!"

Despite the fact that the 9 Supreme Court justices were lying in state after the latest terrorist attack, the attorney could not help but stand at the lectern and pretend to address the Court.

"So this must be the Extreme Court."

"You call this courtly behavior? I think not!"

"With all due respect, who farted?"

Nine Supreme Court justices are in nine beds from left to right. How many ways can the justices be arranged so that Roberts can put his arm around Breyer, and Sotomayor and Ginsberg are not next to each other? (10 points)

@Rocko: I guess you're all pondering the ways I've balled you all today.

So if you tickle five of our taints with that white quill you totally win. Er, you do represent a corporate client, right?

...balled you here today.

Sigh this is what comes from coming up in the south.

Also apologies fr reposts

Judicial restraint, my ass.

That was a hell of a nine-way. I take it Ruth or Sonia will be writing the minority opinion?

Justice Roberts relaxes after proving who has the longest Judicial Branch.

"Yes, I'll wait until the robes come out of the dryers in front of me."

"Sure, we're in bed with the energy and pharmaceutical industry. It's all well-heeled oilmen and well-oiled healing men."

"Felatio, you lazy bastard! How's it hangin'?"

"I'm haunted by the faces of the monkeys in Scopes vs. The State of Tennessee."

"I'll allow it."

"We just had sex."

"Would Justice Sotomayor please give the MINORITY opinion? IN BED!?!"

"Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is Mr. Fantastic."

Supreme Night Court.Hilarity ensues when the people that brought you Brown vs. Board of Education take off the robes and go undercover

Are we finished with discovery?

"I'm just a bailiff and can't really sing."

Sorry to interrupt but that asshole needs another ruling on an anti-cap entry that exceeds 25 words...

Do you guys have jurisdiction in the Czech republic? Ya see, my friend Harry has this website...

"Either that was an earthquake in Chile, or Sonia just rubbed one out."

You're all conflicted out of the Viagra appeal.

"If the love glove doesn't fit, you must aquit!"

Is that a gavel or are you happy to see me?

justice is blind. But does the justice swallow?

I'm Al from LA. Relax, I'll handle the judging this week. Incidentally, you don't intimidate me. I once spoke to Raquel Welch.

What's it gonna take, some breast implant litigation...to get Pamela to slide just a few inches to the right?"

"Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Easy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Sleazy and Doc."

[Pardon the intrusion but I just want to say that I hope everyone is enjoying anti-capping anti-cartoons as much as I am...]

"Wow...I guess I've never really thought about it that way before. I'm totally on the wrong side of this thing. Thanks...I'll show myself out."

[Extended awkward silence. Solicitor General shifts his weight uncomfortably. An occasional cough or rustle is heard from the observers, off-panel. Then, from the Chief Justice:] "Well?"

"Sorry...I thought we were here to discuss a FELLINI."

"Five of us think you are infringing on our right to privacy. The other four don't give a fuck."

"We'll eliminate Corolla recalls by changing our logo to———moving forward whether you want to or not."

For more than two decades I've specialized in reproductive law, with an emphasis on tubal litigation.

I forgot why I came here.

Drop your pants and submit your briefs.

I thought 'reconciliation' only took place in the Senate.

Is justice blind, or just wearing beer goggles?

"Approach the beds, counselor Dover."

Anyone up for some target practice?

Lawyers suck!

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2