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December 14, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #221

al in la

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon
Rules and Tips
anti-cap restruant.jpg

Last Week's WInners

(NOTE: For an Extended list of Honorable Mentions including Judge's Commentary on each winning Anti-Cap go here.)

First Place
He's temperamental, but he makes an awesome tit and testicle chowder.--
Jim Cavanaugh

Honorable Mentions
"This madhouse is a real kitchen."--Francis

Ghost of Christmas Future: "This is what will happen to your restaurant after you cut labor by twenty percent and forged invoices, Ebenezer."--Grant

"Tisch School of the Arts graduates make great wait staff, *never* kitchen staff."--J.D.


I wish they'd stop fooling around and get the chopped chef salad, flounder and Jell-O without topping that my customer is waiting for.

"The chowders here are obscene."

"They're so fastidious, no one's feet ever hits the ground."

"There's been some confusion since Daniel left."

"In Russia, naked lady with bass plays you."

"You know what they say: 'Too many cooks...'"

"The New York Times would have censored her boob."

"Call the police. I'm afraid somebody is going to get terribly hurt."

"We're out of the pea soup."

"I'd like to 'fiddle' with the naked lady on the counter, if you know what I mean."

"If it weren't for this island, we would never have gotten that fourth star."

Of course those tits are the reason I still work here.

"When they start running clockwise, watch out."

"It's the first time anyone has actually ordered the raw penis."

"No, that smell's not her pussy. There actually is a tuna on the other side of the island"

———You prepare the bass, and I'll prepare the bass player.———

"I really feel sorry for Sheila. Because she's a woman, it's hard for her to succeed as a top New York chef. On the other hand, in her music career, she's expected to use overt female sexuality to gain attention. It's especially unfortunate because while she's the best double bass player in the world, the critics don't like her tits."

I call it "The Aristocrats".

How 'bout them Yankees?

"No, seriously. The walleyed pike was Paul."

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug."

"Nice tits."

"The two of them DID order, and we ARE out of, the 16 oz. Lemon Rosemary Chicken Breasts."


"Did you see the bike that tuna rode in on?"

dwilk, I have stolen your "bass player" entry and used it for the REAL contest. It's perfect.

I'll make sure I vote for it when it makes the finals.

———We———ve got exactly ten minutes to turn that rotting snakefish on the floor into Pan Seared Chilean Sea Bass.———

The owner formerly operated a Hooters as well as the L.A. Philharmonic. His name was "Gustavo Ta-ta-mel." Or was it "Esa Pecker Salmon?"

The Chef's Table will be ready in 10 minutes.

"It's tuna's high mercury content, I think."

"Your fly is open."

"Ooh, nice tuna!"

"These shenanigans are going to cost us our fucking tips."

"Things don't run as smoothly back here since Juan Carlos, Guillermo, and Sancho left. Even her vibrato sounds don't have as much body as they once did."

"Alright, Fish. After you clean the fish, I want you to get up there and really whale away on that thing. I want to see an ocean on that island after you have swam in between the sharks and spawned in the canal, the birth canal that is."

"In this pressure-cooker environment, I always find Samantha's musical interpretations remarkably soothing."

"Everybody likes oral sex but nobody wants to see how it's made."

"Yeah, it's pretty nuts. But I used to work at BurgerTime so for me it's kind of a relief."

"This reminds me of a poorly thought out joke that references the 1997 comedy film 'Good Burger.' Would you like to hear it or should I just push you in front of the knife-wielding maniac instead?"

"Maybe we should come back later."

"Trust me, her tits are real."

"I can understand why he may have mistaken 'cello' for 'jello,' but apparently he can't"

"I just shit my pants"

"Too many kooks spoil the Frittata of Bass in G-string minor."

"That's the guy who failed to judge Contest #220. People finally aren't taking it anymore."

"Can you imagine? All this to determine who provides organ accompaniment and who plays his woodwind"

"I preferred when we were trapped on the desert island and our only concern each day was whose turn it was to be the receptive partner. This shit here just makes my head explode."

"Nam June, look out for the pike!"

"When she stops playing she will squirt breast milk into the coffee, the specialty of the house."

"Tisch School of the Arts graduates make great wait staff, *never* kitchen staff."

"In a world of kosher restaurants, one man's journey to discover the truth. Coming soon to a theater near you: "Circumcise Me.""

"She's playing "The Saber Dance." It's the Khachaturian of the day. Haha, get it? No, you don't. You barely speak English and had no expensive formal education. Makes me wonder: why did I? Fuck my life."

"Ah yea, that what's I'm talking 'bout, boyeeee! I could teach that little Mizzinx a little something about her F-holes. Oh, them!? Well, somebody gots to run the kitchen. Aight!"

"This madhouse is a real kitchen."

"Welcome back to Iron Chef. If you're just tuning in, the secret ingredient this week is LSD."

"My hovercraft is full of eels."

"Mr. Woods asked that we hide his 17th favorite mistress in plain sight. Plus, we knew that if there are two things the sports media do not like they are over-priced fish and classical music."

"I'm haunted by the faces of his victims. So I hired the topless musical chef to mollify me."

"Fuck the customers. This is sooooo Charlie Kaufman."

"She is both wearing a G-string and playing one. And I realize that doesn't explain how cleaver-knife man chef is able to hang in midair like that."

"This happens every time a recipe requires human meat."

You should never stand in front of the swinging doors like this. It's dangerous.

"This week's different; I think al in la may actually kill Mr. Radosh."

"I know she wants to stir things up by "going rogue", but who knew she could impersonate a dead fish like that?"

Bad news, people. You can stop posing - Al Columbia can't make it in today.

It's a good thing there are no health inspectors here to see this.

"How could you possibly ignore the gassy, celebrity, Nigerian toddler sitting with his folks at the four-top in section 1?"

"Yeah, finals week does get a little crazy around here."

"This is what happens when it takes TWO DAYS to judge an anti-caption contest."

"Get it?! 'Bass' the fish and 'bass' the instrument!!!"

"My only table is in Siberia, where they sat that guy who made fun of Sumner Redstone's ridiculous hairpiece, laughable cosmetic surgery, and knee jerk support of Israel's apartheid/genocide of the Palestinian people. I'm trying to get a job on Comedy Central, so fuck anybody who criticizes Sumner, or Israel, no matter how many babies die or how much humanitarian aid is stopped at the Gaza border."

"Btw, J.D. Wannabe, it's funny because it's true."

"This ad has been sponsored by The National Campaign to Eradicate Methamphetamine From Five Star Restaurants."

Ghost of Christmas Future: "This is what will happen to your restaurant after you cut labor by twenty percent and forged invoices, Ebenezer."

"The obscene one is ours."

"I can't quite reach my ass. Can you give me a hand?"

'He's been sticking his dick in the soup."

'When she stops playing they switch rolesbqnd the weasel becomes the monkey. Unless the monkey catches the weasel first and filets him.'

'She plays for scraps.'

I could explain all this, but who gives a shit?

"Fishies on the floor."

"They've really hit the skids since Cass choked on that sandwich."

"Fuckin' French."

"As long as she holds that note they will remain suspended in mid-air."

"Regardless of what happens, do not move."

"You're supposed to be cooking Fusilli, you crazy bastards!"

"You can tune a stand-up bass being played by a hot chick with her tit out, but you can't tuna fish on the floor."

"Thank God there are Mexican people here to clean this up."

Minor repair on this one:

"It's a good thing there are Mexican people here to clean this up."

Yo-Yo Ma. Yo Mamma. I can see where there could be a mix up.

"I should go back to work at Olive Garden. I mean, kill myself."

"What news on the Rialto?"

"I understand it's an exhibition sport at the 2012 Olympics."

"A classic New Yorker cartoon caption is generally irreverent, satirical, ironic, and witty (and still often is, even since the Si Newhouse takeover and gutting of the magazine 25 years ago). A successful anti-caption therefore needs in some aspect to go beyond all that; it needs to comment upon what already is a comment upon a comment upon a comment upon, etc. A pithy one-liner won't do -- it will never be as good as a New Yorker pithy one-liner. The joke must be on the format, the conventions, the formulae. A New Yorker cartoon anti-caption should never run the risk of being outclassed in subversiveness by an original New Yorker cartoon caption. But this week it's al in la's turn to judge, so forget irony, let alone double or triple irony. He likes you to just try to be, you know, "funny," like they attempt on Saturday Night Live or any sitcom week after week, or you know, like that doughy guy in the cubicle next to yours who smells mildly like ass does compulsively all day. In other words, bring on the Shecky, bring on the Hennie, bring on the Milty -- and a desperate need for approval couldn't hoit eithah."

"Oh yeah, and London Lee. Bring on the London Lee. No wait, London Lee actually had texture."

[Hey. I like al in la, too!]

@ mypalmike:

I work at Olive Garden. And it looks like you do too, or know someone who does. I love how you conflated working at "the OG" and wanting to kill yourself. All the b.s. use to be worth it but now the money's not there. That's why I'm trying to get a job at a downtown upscale bar or club. That's where the money is--where they sell lots of over-priced alcohol.

This isn't half as crazy as the shit your mom does when she skypes me.

It's much easier to get a levitating chef into a new yorker cartoon than a swastika. I'm just saying, and hoping that new yorker cartoonist are more clever than 'chilean sea bass' and 'see a chilly bassist' jokes. Really, better they're secret Nazis.

"Jew eat yet?"

I'm having them line read from my new screenplay, "Dude Where's My Lobster?"

"If she debases herself a little further, we may catch a glimpse of her red snapper"

"Holy moly, that woman has an Amish puss-beard."

How many times has this happened to you? You have a bass, and you're trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could scale the bass, remove the bass' tail, head and bones, and serve the fish as you would any other fish dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco's amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. Yes, fish-eaters, the days of troublesome scaling, cutting and gutting are over, because Super Bass-o-Matic '76 is the tool that lets you use the bass with no fish waste, and without scaling, cutting or gutting!

"Chris Henry was soooooo fuckin' hot. Androgynously beautiful. Even his mug shots are glamorous. No man that pretty is ever completely straight. No doubt his constant need to over-establish his masculinity from an early age was a contributing factor in his troubled life and tragic death."

"The doors here swing both ways, if you know what I mean."

"That reminds me: Did you catch Celtic Woman last night on PBS?"

"There goes a dog-fish
Chased by a cat-fish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that piranha
There goes a narwhal
Here comes a bikini whale!"

"As you can see, al in la takes seriously his duties as the every-other-week-anti-caption contest-poster/judge."

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to diet."

"When no one's looking, take a dump in the gumbo."

"Yes, I work here for free, too!"

"Somebody has to be the chef, and somebody has to be the Indian."

"You're right, John Doyle does own the restaurant."

"Keep fucking that chicken!"

"The hors d'oeuvres here are obscene."

He is soooooooooo protective of his
Slap Chop.

Jesus Christ... what an asshole.

"Prudhomme and Puck are lovers. Puck got a hard-on from our female entertainer, and now Paul feels that he must cut off Wolfgang's erect member."

"If I'm not mistaken, that's the Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite No. 1."

The chef is upset because the sous-chef was supposed to get someone like Charlie Parker to round out the jazz trio, but instead brought Charlie the tuna from the fish market.

Not sure what she did. But he got two chances to give him the filet knife, but couldn't tell one from a cleaver or a chef knife.

"Artistic differences."

"Her? Oh, that's Nero. She's fiddling while Chef Rome is burning whatever's on the stove."

"I never really wanted to be a waiter. All my life I've wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!"

"I love September mornings here at Windows on the World,. Is that a plane out there?"

"No, hold your tray like this."

"Neither one is able to hit the ground running."

"Christ, what a pair of assholes."

"Smells like fish; plays like Rostropovich."

"The guy with the cleaver and chef's knife is Harry, and he's chasing Al for stepping on his dick last week and to keep him from judging this one on time. It's forced irony."

"I need to test a theory. Do me a favor and stick out your dick.

It's always difficult when Henri's wife discusses "Chapter 13 - Parts of Speech" and has to demonstrate a heteronym.

You're right, National Geographic would consider this to be a staged photo.

Your health benefits won't kick in until you pass probation.

"I'm happy that I will now be forced to buy private health insurance from companies making billions in profit annually and paying their CEOs in the twenty millions, rather than my usual habit of using emergency rooms when I'm sick and skipping out on the bill. What an unexpectedly welcome surprise to have voted for an African-American president out of white liberal goodwill bordering on condescension, only now to realize he plans to hold my feet to the fire, using a kind of tough daddy love to make me an honest man. And I am sooooo grateful that he is ending Bush's crusade against Muslims on behalf of the Oil Industry. Of course he has had to escalate it a little at first and says he needs to continue to escalate it for a few years, but hey, he is ending it eventually and, oh yeah, promises to let out gays and lesbians wear uniforms and become trained killers at some point in the future and ..."

"Doesn't it smell like somebody farted in here?"

"All I can say is, thank God The Times let us keep our 3 stars."

"They have to keep doing this for a whole 'nother week, poor bastards."

Watch me trip the bastard.

They get quite aggressive when they spawn.

Stick around if you want to see breast reduction surgery performed with a butcher knife and a cleaver.

For Chrissake, snap out of it. Haven't you ever seen a tit before?

"They've had the finalists posted for days, now. What the fuck are we doing here?"

"I'm heading upstate for the holidays."

"I counted 26 revolutions per minute. You?"

"Well, first the pot called the kettle black, and then all hell broke loose."

"Sheesh. Ichthyologists."

"I fucking love working the Christmas dinner shift!"

He's temperamental, but he makes an awesome tit and testicle chowder.

how could the russia naked lady comment not be chosen! I cry foul.

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