The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #221

"I really feel sorry for Sheila. Because she's a woman, it's hard for her to succeed as a top New York chef. On the other hand, in her music career, she's expected to use overt female sexuality to gain attention. It's especially unfortunate because while she's the best double bass player in the world, the critics don't like her tits."

Posted by: Richard H | December 14, 2009 5:03 PM

I call it "The Aristocrats".

Posted by: Rose Fox | December 14, 2009 5:16 PM

How 'bout them Yankees?

Posted by: Rose Fox | December 14, 2009 5:19 PM

"No, seriously. The walleyed pike was Paul."

Posted by: dwilk | December 14, 2009 5:23 PM

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug."

Posted by: andeux | December 14, 2009 5:55 PM

"Nice tits."

Posted by: michael | December 14, 2009 6:03 PM

"The two of them DID order, and we ARE out of, the 16 oz. Lemon Rosemary Chicken Breasts."

Posted by: Rob | December 14, 2009 6:28 PM

"Whatever"

Posted by: firebus | December 14, 2009 6:32 PM

"Did you see the bike that tuna rode in on?"

Posted by: Rob | December 14, 2009 7:04 PM

dwilk, I have stolen your "bass player" entry and used it for the REAL contest. It's perfect.

Posted by: Brock A. Lee | December 14, 2009 7:26 PM

I'll make sure I vote for it when it makes the finals.

Posted by: dwilk | December 14, 2009 7:54 PM

———We———ve got exactly ten minutes to turn that rotting snakefish on the floor into Pan Seared Chilean Sea Bass.———

Posted by: Rob | December 14, 2009 8:12 PM

The owner formerly operated a Hooters as well as the L.A. Philharmonic. His name was "Gustavo Ta-ta-mel." Or was it "Esa Pecker Salmon?"

Posted by: LK | December 14, 2009 8:37 PM

The Chef's Table will be ready in 10 minutes.

Posted by: bill | December 14, 2009 9:09 PM

"It's tuna's high mercury content, I think."

Posted by: Abe | December 14, 2009 9:37 PM

"Your fly is open."

Posted by: Dex | December 14, 2009 9:38 PM

"Ooh, nice tuna!"

Posted by: David | December 14, 2009 10:41 PM

"These shenanigans are going to cost us our fucking tips."

Posted by: David | December 14, 2009 10:45 PM

"Things don't run as smoothly back here since Juan Carlos, Guillermo, and Sancho left. Even her vibrato sounds don't have as much body as they once did."

Posted by: Grant | December 14, 2009 11:24 PM

"Alright, Fish. After you clean the fish, I want you to get up there and really whale away on that thing. I want to see an ocean on that island after you have swam in between the sharks and spawned in the canal, the birth canal that is."

Posted by: Grant | December 14, 2009 11:39 PM

"In this pressure-cooker environment, I always find Samantha's musical interpretations remarkably soothing."

Posted by: Richard H | December 15, 2009 12:23 AM

"Everybody likes oral sex but nobody wants to see how it's made."

Posted by: TG Gibbon | December 15, 2009 7:21 AM

"Yeah, it's pretty nuts. But I used to work at BurgerTime so for me it's kind of a relief."

Posted by: TG Gibbon | December 15, 2009 7:26 AM

"This reminds me of a poorly thought out joke that references the 1997 comedy film 'Good Burger.' Would you like to hear it or should I just push you in front of the knife-wielding maniac instead?"

Posted by: TG Gibbon | December 15, 2009 7:29 AM

"Maybe we should come back later."

Posted by: Deborah | December 15, 2009 7:35 AM

"Trust me, her tits are real."

Posted by: Glenn | December 15, 2009 8:08 AM

"I can understand why he may have mistaken 'cello' for 'jello,' but apparently he can't"

Posted by: NJtoTX | December 15, 2009 8:11 AM

"I just shit my pants"

Posted by: JohnnyB | December 15, 2009 9:01 AM

"Too many kooks spoil the Frittata of Bass in G-string minor."

Posted by: FV | December 15, 2009 9:27 AM

"That's the guy who failed to judge Contest #220. People finally aren't taking it anymore."

Posted by: Lester | December 15, 2009 10:29 AM

"Can you imagine? All this to determine who provides organ accompaniment and who plays his woodwind"

Posted by: Rich Lather | December 15, 2009 10:59 AM

"I preferred when we were trapped on the desert island and our only concern each day was whose turn it was to be the receptive partner. This shit here just makes my head explode."

Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2009 11:40 AM

"Nam June, look out for the pike!"

Posted by: Theophylact | December 15, 2009 12:06 PM

"When she stops playing she will squirt breast milk into the coffee, the specialty of the house."

Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2009 12:12 PM

"Tisch School of the Arts graduates make great wait staff, *never* kitchen staff."

Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2009 12:13 PM

"In a world of kosher restaurants, one man's journey to discover the truth. Coming soon to a theater near you: "Circumcise Me.""

Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2009 12:21 PM

"She's playing "The Saber Dance." It's the Khachaturian of the day. Haha, get it? No, you don't. You barely speak English and had no expensive formal education. Makes me wonder: why did I? Fuck my life."

Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2009 12:35 PM

"Ah yea, that what's I'm talking 'bout, boyeeee! I could teach that little Mizzinx a little something about her F-holes. Oh, them!? Well, somebody gots to run the kitchen. Aight!"

Posted by: Rich Lather | December 15, 2009 2:16 PM

"This madhouse is a real kitchen."

Posted by: Francis | December 15, 2009 2:55 PM

"Welcome back to Iron Chef. If you're just tuning in, the secret ingredient this week is LSD."

Posted by: Francis | December 15, 2009 2:57 PM

"My hovercraft is full of eels."

Posted by: John C. | December 15, 2009 5:45 PM

"Mr. Woods asked that we hide his 17th favorite mistress in plain sight. Plus, we knew that if there are two things the sports media do not like they are over-priced fish and classical music."

Posted by: Grant | December 15, 2009 5:53 PM

"I'm haunted by the faces of his victims. So I hired the topless musical chef to mollify me."

Posted by: Glenn W. | December 15, 2009 9:29 PM

"Fuck the customers. This is sooooo Charlie Kaufman."

Posted by: dwilk | December 15, 2009 9:31 PM

"She is both wearing a G-string and playing one. And I realize that doesn't explain how cleaver-knife man chef is able to hang in midair like that."

Posted by: Tamako | December 15, 2009 9:32 PM

"This happens every time a recipe requires human meat."

Posted by: Jurgen | December 15, 2009 11:09 PM

You should never stand in front of the swinging doors like this. It's dangerous.

Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | December 16, 2009 1:26 AM

"This week's different; I think al in la may actually kill Mr. Radosh."

Posted by: Brock A. Lee | December 16, 2009 2:09 AM

"I know she wants to stir things up by "going rogue", but who knew she could impersonate a dead fish like that?"

Posted by: Sarah | December 16, 2009 11:02 AM

Bad news, people. You can stop posing - Al Columbia can't make it in today.

Posted by: Vlad | December 16, 2009 12:46 PM

It's a good thing there are no health inspectors here to see this.

Posted by: Vlad | December 16, 2009 12:48 PM

"How could you possibly ignore the gassy, celebrity, Nigerian toddler sitting with his folks at the four-top in section 1?"

Posted by: J.D. Wannabe | December 16, 2009 1:47 PM

"Yeah, finals week does get a little crazy around here."

Posted by: Harry | December 16, 2009 1:50 PM

"This is what happens when it takes TWO DAYS to judge an anti-caption contest."

Posted by: Harry | December 16, 2009 1:51 PM

"Get it?! 'Bass' the fish and 'bass' the instrument!!!"

Posted by: Harry | December 16, 2009 1:53 PM

"My only table is in Siberia, where they sat that guy who made fun of Sumner Redstone's ridiculous hairpiece, laughable cosmetic surgery, and knee jerk support of Israel's apartheid/genocide of the Palestinian people. I'm trying to get a job on Comedy Central, so fuck anybody who criticizes Sumner, or Israel, no matter how many babies die or how much humanitarian aid is stopped at the Gaza border."

Posted by: J.D. | December 16, 2009 3:22 PM

"Btw, J.D. Wannabe, it's funny because it's true."

Posted by: J.D. | December 16, 2009 3:37 PM

"This ad has been sponsored by The National Campaign to Eradicate Methamphetamine From Five Star Restaurants."

Posted by: Grant | December 16, 2009 5:19 PM

Ghost of Christmas Future: "This is what will happen to your restaurant after you cut labor by twenty percent and forged invoices, Ebenezer."

Posted by: Grant | December 16, 2009 5:24 PM

"The obscene one is ours."

Posted by: Rob | December 16, 2009 6:13 PM

"I can't quite reach my ass. Can you give me a hand?"

Posted by: Tim H | December 16, 2009 6:16 PM

'He's been sticking his dick in the soup."

'When she stops playing they switch rolesbqnd the weasel becomes the monkey. Unless the monkey catches the weasel first and filets him.'

'She plays for scraps.'

Posted by: jf | December 16, 2009 6:33 PM

I could explain all this, but who gives a shit?

Posted by: Walt | December 16, 2009 7:50 PM

"Fishies on the floor."

Posted by: Frank | December 16, 2009 7:55 PM

"They've really hit the skids since Cass choked on that sandwich."

Posted by: dwilk | December 16, 2009 8:27 PM

"Fuckin' French."

"As long as she holds that note they will remain suspended in mid-air."

"Regardless of what happens, do not move."

Posted by: MAtt | December 17, 2009 12:24 AM

"You're supposed to be cooking Fusilli, you crazy bastards!"

Posted by: Damon | December 17, 2009 1:43 AM

"You can tune a stand-up bass being played by a hot chick with her tit out, but you can't tuna fish on the floor."

Posted by: Glenn | December 17, 2009 7:49 AM

"Thank God there are Mexican people here to clean this up."

Posted by: Joshua | December 17, 2009 9:29 AM

Minor repair on this one:

"It's a good thing there are Mexican people here to clean this up."

Posted by: Joshua | December 17, 2009 9:37 AM

Yo-Yo Ma. Yo Mamma. I can see where there could be a mix up.

Posted by: boneguy | December 17, 2009 12:32 PM

"I should go back to work at Olive Garden. I mean, kill myself."

Posted by: mypalmike | December 17, 2009 1:04 PM

"What news on the Rialto?"

Posted by: Kathy H | December 17, 2009 1:47 PM

"I understand it's an exhibition sport at the 2012 Olympics."

Posted by: Tim H | December 17, 2009 1:48 PM

"A classic New Yorker cartoon caption is generally irreverent, satirical, ironic, and witty (and still often is, even since the Si Newhouse takeover and gutting of the magazine 25 years ago). A successful anti-caption therefore needs in some aspect to go beyond all that; it needs to comment upon what already is a comment upon a comment upon a comment upon, etc. A pithy one-liner won't do -- it will never be as good as a New Yorker pithy one-liner. The joke must be on the format, the conventions, the formulae. A New Yorker cartoon anti-caption should never run the risk of being outclassed in subversiveness by an original New Yorker cartoon caption. But this week it's al in la's turn to judge, so forget irony, let alone double or triple irony. He likes you to just try to be, you know, "funny," like they attempt on Saturday Night Live or any sitcom week after week, or you know, like that doughy guy in the cubicle next to yours who smells mildly like ass does compulsively all day. In other words, bring on the Shecky, bring on the Hennie, bring on the Milty -- and a desperate need for approval couldn't hoit eithah."

Posted by: J.D. | December 17, 2009 2:14 PM

"Oh yeah, and London Lee. Bring on the London Lee. No wait, London Lee actually had texture."

Posted by: J.D. | December 17, 2009 2:18 PM

[Hey. I like al in la, too!]

Posted by: Tim H | December 17, 2009 4:51 PM

@ mypalmike:

I work at Olive Garden. And it looks like you do too, or know someone who does. I love how you conflated working at "the OG" and wanting to kill yourself. All the b.s. use to be worth it but now the money's not there. That's why I'm trying to get a job at a downtown upscale bar or club. That's where the money is--where they sell lots of over-priced alcohol.

Posted by: Grant | December 17, 2009 5:39 PM

This isn't half as crazy as the shit your mom does when she skypes me.

Posted by: jf | December 17, 2009 8:28 PM

It's much easier to get a levitating chef into a new yorker cartoon than a swastika. I'm just saying, and hoping that new yorker cartoonist are more clever than 'chilean sea bass' and 'see a chilly bassist' jokes. Really, better they're secret Nazis.

Posted by: jf | December 17, 2009 8:39 PM

"Jew eat yet?"

Posted by: Rob | December 17, 2009 10:16 PM

I'm having them line read from my new screenplay, "Dude Where's My Lobster?"

Posted by: boneguy | December 17, 2009 10:39 PM

"If she debases herself a little further, we may catch a glimpse of her red snapper"

Posted by: Gern Blanston | December 18, 2009 1:31 AM

"Holy moly, that woman has an Amish puss-beard."

Posted by: Celeste | December 18, 2009 1:40 AM

How many times has this happened to you? You have a bass, and you're trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could scale the bass, remove the bass' tail, head and bones, and serve the fish as you would any other fish dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco's amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. Yes, fish-eaters, the days of troublesome scaling, cutting and gutting are over, because Super Bass-o-Matic '76 is the tool that lets you use the bass with no fish waste, and without scaling, cutting or gutting!

Posted by: Rose Fox | December 18, 2009 3:00 AM

"Chris Henry was soooooo fuckin' hot. Androgynously beautiful. Even his mug shots are glamorous. No man that pretty is ever completely straight. No doubt his constant need to over-establish his masculinity from an early age was a contributing factor in his troubled life and tragic death."

Posted by: J.D. | December 18, 2009 10:06 AM

"The doors here swing both ways, if you know what I mean."

Posted by: Kathy H | December 18, 2009 12:44 PM

"That reminds me: Did you catch Celtic Woman last night on PBS?"

Posted by: Tim H | December 18, 2009 12:47 PM

"There goes a dog-fish
Chased by a cat-fish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that piranha
There goes a narwhal
Here comes a bikini whale!"

Posted by: Rock L. | December 18, 2009 4:04 PM

"As you can see, al in la takes seriously his duties as the every-other-week-anti-caption contest-poster/judge."

Posted by: NAMBY | December 18, 2009 5:17 PM

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to diet."

Posted by: Gretchen S. | December 18, 2009 6:36 PM

"When no one's looking, take a dump in the gumbo."

Posted by: Donovan | December 18, 2009 8:39 PM

"Yes, I work here for free, too!"

Posted by: Johnny V | December 18, 2009 9:10 PM

"Somebody has to be the chef, and somebody has to be the Indian."

Posted by: dwilk | December 18, 2009 9:15 PM

"You're right, John Doyle does own the restaurant."

Posted by: Brian L | December 18, 2009 9:18 PM

"Keep fucking that chicken!"

Posted by: Ernie A | December 18, 2009 9:34 PM

"The hors d'oeuvres here are obscene."

Posted by: NAMBY | December 18, 2009 10:28 PM

He is soooooooooo protective of his
Slap Chop.

Posted by: Johnny Ancich | December 18, 2009 11:16 PM

Jesus Christ... what an asshole.

Posted by: Johnny Ancich | December 18, 2009 11:17 PM

"Prudhomme and Puck are lovers. Puck got a hard-on from our female entertainer, and now Paul feels that he must cut off Wolfgang's erect member."

Posted by: NJtoTX | December 19, 2009 10:01 AM

"If I'm not mistaken, that's the Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite No. 1."

Posted by: Dave | December 19, 2009 10:16 AM

The chef is upset because the sous-chef was supposed to get someone like Charlie Parker to round out the jazz trio, but instead brought Charlie the tuna from the fish market.

Posted by: themoman | December 19, 2009 3:22 PM

Not sure what she did. But he got two chances to give him the filet knife, but couldn't tell one from a cleaver or a chef knife.

Posted by: penny | December 19, 2009 3:26 PM

"Artistic differences."

Posted by: moishe | December 19, 2009 3:34 PM

"Her? Oh, that's Nero. She's fiddling while Chef Rome is burning whatever's on the stove."

Posted by: Gina | December 19, 2009 6:02 PM

"I never really wanted to be a waiter. All my life I've wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!"

Posted by: Steve_O | December 20, 2009 11:00 AM

"I love September mornings here at Windows on the World,. Is that a plane out there?"

Posted by: Zack | December 20, 2009 12:32 PM

"No, hold your tray like this."

Posted by: Joshua | December 20, 2009 5:49 PM

"Neither one is able to hit the ground running."

Posted by: Rob | December 20, 2009 6:47 PM

"Christ, what a pair of assholes."

Posted by: Steve_O | December 20, 2009 10:14 PM

"Smells like fish; plays like Rostropovich."

Posted by: Dave | December 20, 2009 10:26 PM

"The guy with the cleaver and chef's knife is Harry, and he's chasing Al for stepping on his dick last week and to keep him from judging this one on time. It's forced irony."

Posted by: David | December 21, 2009 11:15 PM

"I need to test a theory. Do me a favor and stick out your dick.

Posted by: Philip | December 22, 2009 6:16 PM

It's always difficult when Henri's wife discusses "Chapter 13 - Parts of Speech" and has to demonstrate a heteronym.

Posted by: ECB | December 22, 2009 10:25 PM

You're right, National Geographic would consider this to be a staged photo.

Posted by: ECB | December 22, 2009 10:47 PM

Your health benefits won't kick in until you pass probation.

Posted by: Johnny Ancich | December 23, 2009 8:38 AM

"I'm happy that I will now be forced to buy private health insurance from companies making billions in profit annually and paying their CEOs in the twenty millions, rather than my usual habit of using emergency rooms when I'm sick and skipping out on the bill. What an unexpectedly welcome surprise to have voted for an African-American president out of white liberal goodwill bordering on condescension, only now to realize he plans to hold my feet to the fire, using a kind of tough daddy love to make me an honest man. And I am sooooo grateful that he is ending Bush's crusade against Muslims on behalf of the Oil Industry. Of course he has had to escalate it a little at first and says he needs to continue to escalate it for a few years, but hey, he is ending it eventually and, oh yeah, promises to let out gays and lesbians wear uniforms and become trained killers at some point in the future and ..."

Posted by: J.D. | December 23, 2009 10:28 AM

"Doesn't it smell like somebody farted in here?"

Posted by: Virgil | December 23, 2009 12:06 PM

"All I can say is, thank God The Times let us keep our 3 stars."

Posted by: Kathy H | December 23, 2009 6:01 PM

"They have to keep doing this for a whole 'nother week, poor bastards."

Posted by: Connie | December 23, 2009 8:15 PM

Watch me trip the bastard.

Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | December 23, 2009 9:43 PM

They get quite aggressive when they spawn.

Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | December 23, 2009 9:45 PM

Stick around if you want to see breast reduction surgery performed with a butcher knife and a cleaver.