June 22, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #198

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I feel like I'm forgetting something. No, not the Post-It on my forehead -- that's just a reminder to kill the hostage we put on the roof."

"I love you. Dammit, don't turn away! I know you feel it, too."

"You should keep your eyes on the road. We didn't even remotely secure that guy."

"Mine was the grande iced frappuccino. I don't know where you put yours."

"Don't worry about that cop. I hid my frozen margarita as we drove by."

"Hazing was more fun when we were allowed to sodomize the pledges. Hey, don't give me that attitude. It's not gay if you make a 'mean face.'"

"Yowzers! She was a hottie! And she was checking us out."

"Keep your eyes on the road, Vinnie. We don't want to attract attention. If the cops pul us over, they might ask questions about the guy on the roof."

"`Member that part in `Raising Arizona' where they leave the baby on the roof of the car? I just got a bad feeling, Joey...what if I get whacked before that flick makes it to Blu Ray?"

"Don't you just love getting out of the city on a summer afternoon? Listen to the Boss on the CD player. Sip a delicious iced coffee. Find a nice secluded field. Whack a guy. You did bring the guy, didn't you?"

Yep. PC Vey tagged a lot of cars last night -- right behind the driver-side door.

I feel like an idiot asking again, but I just don't get how this "mime siren" thing is supposed to work.

"Aw, let `em boo. When recruitment goes up, you'll be glad we did this parade float."

"That's right. Now, just ease into that parallel parking spot and you've passed your driver's road test."

And I'm telling you, unless we take the tape off his mouth and let him sing, we'll never know if he's a soprano.

"Remember how we had 2 buckets of different sizes on the guy in The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #177? I just used one big one for this guy, but it uses a lot more cement."

"It ain't so much the weight of the cement, see, it's the posture we put him in. If we lay him down, we lower the coefficient of drag and we go faster. I'm just sayin'."

"I think the public may be tiring of our 'Jackass' movie concept."

"I ordered blue raspberry, this is cherry. Let's go back."

**yelling to roof** "Your turn, Mr. Fenton! Louie said `Nebraska'! Yours has to start with `A'!"


"Okay, Louie. 'M'."

He's my old high school composition teacher and once we get to the west coast, he's gonna get a little taste of "concrete and pacific".

"Seeing as we're both blind, the constant checking back over your shoulder before changing lanes is kind of a waste of time, don't you think?"

"But Larry, it doesn't look anything like a gnome and it's much bigger than our other ones. It's going to ruin the dynamic in the garden. I don't care if we did get a good price, I say we take it back. I am NOT always criticising your decisions, sweetheart."

"Check out that sign up ahead: `BRIDGE CLEARANCE - 6.5'. Hey...today is June 5th. We could buy a cheap bridge!"

"Yeah, I find the seatbelt constraining too. But it's required by law."

"Whoa. That's a nasty-looking accident."

"Wow, look how busy the mall is. It's a mob scene."

"There's a secluded spot to pull over. Should we see if he's ready to talk?"

"No, doofus. I didn't say that was a close shave. I asked if I needed a shave."

"A hundred buckets of Bill on the roof, a hundred buckets of Bill. If one of those buckets should happen to go splat on the next bridge abutment, 99 buckets of Bill on the roof.
99 buckets of Bill on the roof, 99 buckets of Bill. If one of those buckets should happen to go splat on the next bridge abutment, 98 buckets of Bill on the roof.
98 buckets of Bill on the roof, 98 buckets of Bill. If one of those buckets should happen to go splat on the next bridge abutment, 97 buckets of Bill on the roof.
97 buckets of Bill on the roof, 97 buckets of"
"Shut the hell up!"

I think the guy on the roof farted.

Step on it, or we're going to be late for the Hobos With Hostages convention. They start killing civilians after the plenary session.

Funny having a stool pigeon on the roof - normally it's covered with pigeon stool.

mumble mumble mumble GPS...

"If I promise not to kiss the hostage again, can we trade at Hertz for a convertible?"

"Would you please keep your eyes on the road, Mr. Mondavi? We just kidnapped the best grape-stomper in all of Napa Valley, and a crash now could compromise the whole plan."

"Funny how often the media will report that a criminal suspect was 'light-skinned black, Middle eastern or Hispanic,' because these ethnic types can be similar. How come we never hear 'eyewitnesses said the perpetrator was either Italian or Jewish?' I mean, both got the big shnozzolas and all. I guess if your people steal in the billions you get a break. Whatever, all I know is I got bad skin and a thick three day growth, so I must be a greaseball guinea wop."

Looks like Senator Chappaquiddick giving Dick Cheney a ride.

"You know what they call a Quentin Tarantino movie in France? Who the fuck cares."

"Yeah, yeah ! Cop ! Ease over. Hey, we lookin' national coverage here, that little 'Hoffa theory' of ours !"

"Took you for Willem Dafoe. ... Freakin' chicks, man !"

"People keep honking at us. Weird."

"Sal makes a great hood ornament. I keep meaning to tell him that."

"I've Hoffa mind to throw that guy into the river."

"Rabbit...I guess. Poor guy ! Explaining the birds, buzzards -all this 'road kill'. ...Hey, watch the skunk !"

This hood ornament of Timothy Geither sure is attracting some attention.

"Explain it to me again, Vince - why does the guy on the roof get windshield wipers for his eyes, but our car doesn't have any?"

"Think the calluses on his feet have softened enough so that I can give his his mani/pedi?"

"We should pick up one of those blind spot mirrors at the next rest stop. I think they'll have them. Maybe I'll get one of those neck pillows, too. Last time I took a nap I woke up with a really stiff neck."

"Recall - 'celerate slow, pull in duh roadway on'y duh 'proaching vehicle givin' a furlong. Watch duh coib...Chris', dese sightseers !"

"Listen. I been took for Nicholson."

"Lucky us, huh, that beach ball thin'm'bob rolling off for all the world out front - diverting attention ? ...Hey ! Could you keep your mind off the ladies for onc'd ?! Chris'sake !"

"Didn't I just see you buy a triple-venti Mocha Frappuccino with a stoolie swirl?...What the fuck did you do with it."

"Hey, remember the time we ran out of big buckets and we had to use those tiny, incongruous pails? Oh, never mind, that was the weekend of your jawsectomy."

"Our reasons for killing him are self-explanatory, but explain why we bothered to gag Marcel Marseau."

"I'm not shaving until the Yankees beat the Red Sox."

“Man this sucks! Every bridge and overpass has a clearance of at least fourteen feet.”

"Bad enough we're blind and trapped in a car on the bottom of the ocean, now I have ice cream brain freeze."

"Did you hear something?"

"Men in Black: Part IV - The One Without Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones..scene 4, take six...'Dude there is flying saucer right above our car! Fuck I forgot to shave! Hold my slurpee!'"

"I told you we should have asked for directions! And now here we are, on the bottom of a lake."

"Did you hear something? I hope it isn't the legendary Killer Cement-shoed Escape Artist of Gay Lovers' Lane!"

"You up for a prostate massage?"

"Weird -you ever feel haunted by the 'vases' of our victims ?"

"I'll be the one who tells Steve O when he's done with the Jackass shit. Now back up at 50 mph and slam on the brakes."

"Oh stoolie, you crazy bastard! Where the hell are you?"

"Look. Why don't you just call those Car Talk guys?"

"Seat belts buckled? Good. Now, slooowly drive the car into the middle of the lake. Remember, the Polish Mafia takes pride in each and every hit."

"Organized crime is so fucking funny."

"Thanks. Most folks won't stop for a hitchhiker with a giant ironic chess piece."

"......the difference is, Eddie, a porcupine has its pricks on the outside."

Your ethnic stereotype is a clip on.

Then I said, "well, I'm gonna make you into a STATUE of limitations". But I ran out of concrete. Hey, I guess he really is a statue of LIMITATIONS. I am so sending this into the Mafia Reader's Digest.

"Will you stop? No, he's not following us, fer chrissake! He's at the bottom of the lake in a burlap sack with his feet in concrete. What, you think he's gonna get outa there and come jump on our roof? No, Tommie, we have officially heard the last of ol' Raspu... hey, what wazzat?"

"No, it's not your imagination - the back of the car has suddenly balooned out into a grotesque pear shape. You think from the weight of the cement guy maybe?"

"I did a lot of Chekov in school. O'Neill. Shakespeare. Now I only get offered scripts like this piece of shit. Wish I were gay so when I have to suck dick for a job it wasn't so personally distasteful."

"I know this is your first driving lesson, Mr. Thompson, but you really do need to keep both hands on the wheel and your eyes on the road. When we get to exit 13, I'm going to ask you to make a right and then take the second left. You'll pull over by a copse of trees. At that point I'll step out of the car as I have some business to attend to. It'll only be a few minutes, and I'll add the time on to the end of the lesson. What business? Nothing to concern you. Just a small disagreement with a former driving pupil."

I'm not falling for it this time. Radosh goes x number of weeks without even judging the goddamned thing, and now all of a sudden we're supposed to jump? Fuck him, fuck y'all, and this is coming from a one-time "winner."

No, that's not a charging station. And I TOLD you not to use your electric car for things like this.

"Yeah, give 'bout anythin' fo' a 'Slurpee'...mister, Mr. DURYEA ? Anyways, t'anks ! Say, warn't Forest Lawn shut up fo' the Monday ? Whatever !...Long 's I gets a 'spot' - my 'tenner', natch !"

"Hurry up! We're gonna miss the next episode of Sanford & Hon !"

Look, no matter what the joke is, there's no way it's going to explain the fact that I haven't shaved in 3 days and am sipping a fuckin' frappuccino.

"Easy does it, boss. Remember, according to Newton - 'An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and with the same direction, unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.' "

"In America, they put their flag on their cars. Death to America. And to this guy in the bucket."

"When Louie pays us, you'll get some game tickets. Then you won't have to make your own bobblehead."

"It's a bad idea to scare the shit out of someone who's riding in your car...That's what I learned from this."

When you see a cop hit the brakes hard and tell 'em its D.B.Cooper.

Ma's gonna hit the roof when she finds her washtub gone.

It was real smart of ya pourin' the cement after we put him up on the roof. It would be a lot harder getting him up there if we woulda done it the other way 'round.

I love you, too.

Stop me if you've heard this one before... two blind guys get into a car. They hear something on the roof. So one blind guys says to the other blind guy...

Stop me if you've heard this one before... two blind guys are driving in a car. They hear something on the roof. So one blind guys says to the other blind guy...

"Trust me on dis, pal. There mostly 'niche mentilties' these parts. Ain't the 'a.hole' out here gonna even notice dat stiff longs they the leas' insifnant, clip-on peanut-jaw like dis here to point, poke fun -swell theirself !....Duh 'dayclasse' Slurpee of mine....yore cheapass wipe'less hobomobile !"

"I told you to get the quick drying cement."

"So, let me get this straight. You're saying that DNA tests suggest it may have been one of Thomas Jefferson's kids who sired a child with Sally Hemmings!? Cool."

"Check it, yo, my weenie's so big I can put a straw in it. Now that's a Slurpee."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well, we just passed 7-11, I had this straw, and I thought the timing was sort of funny."

"You idiot, that was a Circle K"

"Whatever; my bad. Why don't you go fuck yourself, Mr. I-can-drive-100-Miles-in-Complete-Silence"

"Citroen 2cv, n'est-ce pas ?"

"Where's Pancakes House? We stop at Pancakes House....."

I don't care how he looked; he was a genius.

"Federico, you shoulda never driven into this fucking lake with Vinnie still on this fucking roof."

"Hey, look, cows. Moooooo!"

"Cirrus, my ass !"

c'mon now... just a small kiss??

Seeing the back of your head reminds me of our romantic weekend in the Hamptons...

"Faucet, F-A-U-C-E-T !"

"He's Michael Jackson's doctor. Okay, switch lanes now."

"Clark, I sense Sid Caesar standing on our roof...and OH MY GOD, where is Rusty and Audrey?"

"Clark, I can tell from the way our Family Truckster is rendered that P.C. Vey can't draw for shit...OH MY GOD, where are Rusty and Audrey?"

"What just landed on the roof? I told you we shouldn't drive on the ocean floor!"

I think we lost the ACLU layer Jim!

You also missed our exit!

Darn it!

"Think this Tony Judt dude knows we rarely kill our own -- that we're just trying to scare the hell out of his compulsive truth-telling ass?"

There has to be an easier way to test out the concept of Street View. These interns are dropping like flies!


Buying me this frappucino really cements our relationship.

I feel like I'm in one of those sucky Sonic commercials.

You can't be a member of organized crime and lose your Daytimer.

Ever read Somerset Maugham?

Don't tell me you lost the bucket list!

I love you a bushel and a peck!

He's fit to be tied...

How does he get his penis out of that micro fly?

Cop! Buckle up!

Slow down-Leadfoot!

Tying up Sedaris and freezing his feet in titty milk- what a way to go!

The promoter says this guy slipped Michael Jackson some 12 year old nuts.

Let's run him through a car wash.

That "Just Encased" sign on the back is too much.

You using nitrous or did he eat pintos?

"Fuckin' Mario's such a drama queen. Always gotta play the victim."

Sal: "OK, we made him blog that he's taking a 'summer break'. Now what do we do with him? There'll be no contest judge."
Vito: "So what, others will blog for him. As far as no contest judging, who's gonna notice. Now let's get rid of him and pick up the next one in L.A."

"Slow down, will ya—I don't want him to die of a heart attack."

"Give up? Farrah fucked Majors. Jackson fucked minors. How's that guy doing up there?"

"Actually, no, there has never even been a plausible rumor that Michael Jackson ever sexually penetrated anyone in his life. The most believable stories indicate that as an adult he prefered mutual masturbation with pubescent boys, as if he himself were another pubescent boy. Given the opportunity and freedom from neurotic oversupervision, 12-year-old boys enjoy whacking off together, though by late adolescence most hetero-identified males will vehemently deny it ever happened."

"Wait, wait ! Call us what ? Bottom dwellers ? Bottom feeders ?! Dat soooo nutty ! Dat 'fighting words' !...Say, I ain't taking dat ! Turn around, stop dis crate !"

"Oh wow ! You never forget where you were at news like this ! You know, it's ironic, isn't it, how it was Jackson - remember 'Thriller' ? - convinced us finally to plant all our stoolies in cement shoes... superstitious or not."

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