The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #177
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
This week's prize: A signed copy of the new Jonathan Rundman CD Insomniaccomplishments. (Winner must supply valid e-mail address)
First place
*pew-pew-pew* "Better start talking before I shrink more of you with my finger-ray." —Brian L
Second-place
"Frankly, we find your efforts to freeze your own feet off disturbing. We will force you to keep your feet in these buckets of warm water until the danger of frostbite has passed. Comply, or we'll kill you." —Jessica
Third-place
"Look, Shmuel -- not only are his hooves non-cloven, but he clearly has some genetic defect resulting in one hoof being withered and misshapen. Sorry, boys, he's treif." —The Confidence Man
Honorable mention
"Yeah, you're right- it does look ridiculous. You know what will take your mind off it? Putting your head in a vise until your left eyeball pops out." — Steve_O
"This police department has had its share of clumsy janitors, but this is ridiculous. You're fired."—mypalmike
"The good news, we're closing Gitmo. The bad news, you're walking home from Cuba." — LV
"Mashing the snitch's size twelves into these lady size buckets will greatly reduce our cementing cost. Thank you Tony 'the Turtleneck' for this innovative and may I add 'green' idea." —mort drucker
"OK, we're finally ready: Loud-tie guy, baldie-with-holster, tied-up-pail-foot-man and severe amputee... A 'Village People' for the 21st century!" — Vance
"And this is what you get for selling us those lousy shavers. The fact that you use one too doesn't mitigate the circumstances. Uh, I mean coicumstances." —therblig
"Now what're my kids supposed to make sand castles with, fuckhead?"JohnnyB
"This will teach you to make fun of Father's Day present! I like this tie, bitch!" — xjvpastor
"I bet I can tell you where you got dem 'shoes' !" —'French Quarter'
"As soon as I'm finished explaining our plan, untie Mr. Bond. He's not going anywhere with THESE BUCKETS ON HIS FEET." — Charles
"No, Mr. Gold Bond, we expect them to dry. And become irritated, possibly." —dean @ t.a.m.s.y.
Comments
"These cement buckets are different sizes."
Posted by: Richard H | January 12, 2009 10:18 AM
Yeah that's right pal, toe fungus...f@#*!ing! toe fungus. We gotta solution for that and it ain't no ped-egg neither.
Posted by: simsburybear | January 12, 2009 10:23 AM
“As for you--two bullets in the back of the head, unless you wanna grow some legs.”
Posted by: Tansy | January 12, 2009 10:31 AM
"The fast-dtying cement should stop the bleeding where we cut off your feet."
Posted by: Richard | January 12, 2009 10:32 AM
"...and so much more dignified than Crocs."
Posted by: J | January 12, 2009 10:33 AM
Ya see Lefty, they always pee thier pants when they know they're gonners. That's what the buckets are for.
Posted by: Greg Urbaitis | January 12, 2009 10:33 AM
"The irony is that this is on my Bucket List."
Posted by: Tim H | January 12, 2009 10:43 AM
"Why the same size? Because I don’t want him looking like the fucking Leaning Tower of Pisa when he hits bottom!”
Posted by: Dan | January 12, 2009 10:45 AM
"I want to commend whoever had the foresight to draw the shades. Good job!"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 12, 2009 10:45 AM
"Ha! You're complaining now, Freddie, but you'll be glad you got them buckets on your feet once you start tryin' to walk in this quicksand - which already has almost swallowed up Rico over there."
Posted by: Vance | January 12, 2009 10:50 AM
"Now what're my kids supposed to make sand castles with, fuckhead?"
"How do his feet fit in there?"
"Charles, that is disgusting. I said, 'cement overshoes', not 'semened overshoes'. Clean him up."
"I have big shoes. His shoe size 'pails' by comparison. Get it?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 12, 2009 10:51 AM
"OK, we're finally ready: Loud-tie guy, baldie-with-holster, tied-up-pail-foot-man and severe amputee... A 'Village People' for the 21st century!"
Posted by: Vance | January 12, 2009 10:52 AM
"I brought along a couple of buckets - and put your feet in 'em. Do you mind?"
Posted by: Vance | January 12, 2009 10:53 AM
"And I'd do the same thing to you, if you weren't just a torso and head."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 12, 2009 10:53 AM
There's an a-hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There's an a-hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a-hole.
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 12, 2009 10:55 AM
"This will teach you to make fun of Father's Day present! I like this tie, bitch!"
Posted by: xjvpastor | January 12, 2009 10:58 AM
"Those shoes are not approved for use in our bowling alley."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 12, 2009 10:59 AM
"We're sending you straight to Davey Jones' locker. When you get there, remember: the combination to his locker is b-i-g-t-i-t-s."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 12, 2009 11:08 AM
"Shaddap and start guessing why I put one of your feet in a smaller pail, Jimmy. Oh, the frivolous games we come up with to while away the time as we die from horrible radiation burns from that nuclear holocaust! Next up is Scrabble."
Posted by: Vance | January 12, 2009 11:09 AM
And this is what you get for selling us those lousy shavers. The fact that you use one too doesn't mitigate the circumstances. Uh, I mean coicumstances.
Posted by: therblig | January 12, 2009 11:12 AM
It could be worse. When we offed Sarah Jessica Parker, she insisted on Manolos.
Posted by: LK | January 12, 2009 11:16 AM
Those blocks call to mind the futility of existence. Let's join a monastery to further contemplate this ideology.
Posted by: Chuma Nnaji | January 12, 2009 11:30 AM
"The murder and mayhem of our generation will send our children to Harvard and into positions of power in government and industry."
Posted by: J.D. | January 12, 2009 11:31 AM
“Did I say ‘snitch’ or anything about FBI leaks? No! I said tie down the HATCH and put buckets where the roof leaks, asshole!”
Posted by: GregT | January 12, 2009 11:34 AM
Mypalmike's entry is (so far) the best caption that should be in the real contest
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 12, 2009 11:39 AM
“Damn it, I said to large buckets filled with cement! You got two arms and two uh...........arms, don’t you?”
Posted by: Tansy | January 12, 2009 11:40 AM
"Next time, put a plastic mat under the buckets. My wife doesn't like when I make indentations in the carpet."
Posted by: Richard H | January 12, 2009 11:41 AM
“Listen to me, Vinnie. You can sleep with his wife AFTER he sleeps with the fishes.”
Posted by: Dan | January 12, 2009 11:50 AM
"Can you tell the difference between the Pepsi-Cola and the cement?"
Posted by: Francis | January 12, 2009 11:58 AM
"Hey, Louie, that tiny little bucket looks uncomfortable. Smash the dried cement apart with a sledgehammer and put on a bigger one, will you?"
Posted by: Francis | January 12, 2009 12:01 PM
"We are a private crime organization, so we have to dispose of your body after we kill you. Were we the CIA we could just shoot you three or four times and tell the local coroner to declare your death a suicide."
Posted by: J.D. | January 12, 2009 12:10 PM
"We are the gay mafia you've heard so much about. We are going to kill you now so, yes, this is the one time you are allowed to call us 'faggot.'"
Posted by: J.D. | January 12, 2009 12:13 PM
Hey guys, look, if I hold my hand out like this - just so - it will appear in the commemorative photograph we're taking of this whacking as though I'm touching Phil's penis. It's called a trompe l'oeil. Jesus, read a fucking book.
Posted by: Junior | January 12, 2009 12:13 PM
We don't take losing a game of musical chairs lightly.
Posted by: Turd | January 12, 2009 12:33 PM
"Scrap that ! 'Meadowlands' gonna be empty til September now."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 12:36 PM
"Shoe's untied...
Hah! Made you look!"
Posted by: mrmoonpie | January 12, 2009 12:41 PM
"Them my kid's ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 12, 2009 12:43 PM
"You're soaking in it."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 12, 2009 12:43 PM
I guess you wear those buckets for shoes to distract from the small wrinkly penis when you take your pants off.
Posted by: Turd | January 12, 2009 12:44 PM
Oddly enough, the last guy we did this to had a pair just like it.
Posted by: therblig | January 12, 2009 12:45 PM
The gun is purely ornamental. When you squeeze the trigger, milk comes out.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 12:45 PM
Those look fabulous. They're like strappy Lotus shoes for men.
Posted by: Heff | January 12, 2009 12:54 PM
That's right, Rock Out with Your Cock Out!
Posted by: Heff | January 12, 2009 12:55 PM
"You toe-danced your last, gu. ..er, gay !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 1:00 PM
"Gotta. Shit gonna come down when they replace Giants Stadium."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 1:06 PM
"Mr. Madoff, all things considered, I think you're getting off pretty easy."
Posted by: Tim H | January 12, 2009 1:07 PM
- Come up ? -
Posted by: Sam L. | January 12, 2009 1:08 PM
"This police department has had its share of clumsy janitors, but this is ridiculous. You're fired."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 12, 2009 1:09 PM
"mypalmike, considering what you've done to your own blog, I think you're getting off pretty easy."
Posted by: Tim H | January 12, 2009 1:14 PM
These buckets are going to make this scene an even more awesome tilt-shift photo!
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 12, 2009 1:18 PM
"I bet I can tell you where you got dem 'shoes' !"
Posted by: 'French Quarter' | January 12, 2009 1:34 PM
We here at the corporate offices of 7-Eleven, Inc. take the dictum "No shoes, no pants, no service" very seriously.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 12, 2009 1:37 PM
"You said you'd have the results on Friday. You'd said you actually put some effort into it and pick the funniest entrys...You said a lot of things Danny Boy... Now you're gonna pay...you and that pink shirt."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 1:39 PM
"The pours here are 'in team' !?"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 12, 2009 1:40 PM
"What do you call a Central American drug lord with rubber toes? Roberto."
Posted by: Kosmicki | January 12, 2009 1:40 PM
We trust that when your body is discovered, it will galvanize your colleagues to take action and accept our offer. Get it? "Galvanize"! Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Galvanize. Google it. G-A-L-V-- ah, fuck it -- Johnny, shoot him in the face.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 12, 2009 1:42 PM
"You do a 'raqi vet like dis ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 1:50 PM
Big bucket - white, small bucket - red. Boys, I think this micro-winery thing is really gonna take off.
Posted by: therblig | January 12, 2009 1:50 PM
"Don't worry, guys. This Old House Magazine says that the cement will set in 75-80 minutes. Oh, wait! What's the humidity in here?!"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 12, 2009 1:56 PM
" 'Fuck' wants to bring a black in."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 2:20 PM
"Said 'him for the curtains', not 'curtains for him'!..Come on, 'gay' like dis ?!"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 2:33 PM
can i borrow those? everyone keeps calling me and baldie over here "idential foot twins"
Posted by: Ernie | January 12, 2009 2:34 PM
"Do 'old hoofer' and 'young Hoffa' sound alike to you ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 12, 2009 2:44 PM
"You see, it's an optical illusion. The buckets are actually the same size!"
Posted by: steven | January 12, 2009 2:53 PM
"No, leech in the right, PIRANHA in the left....Frickin' retards !"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 12, 2009 2:55 PM
Look, Shmuel -- not only are his hooves non-cloven, but he clearly has some genetic defect resulting in one hoof being withered and misshapen. Sorry, boys, he's treif.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 12, 2009 3:00 PM
"First 'the Keds', then 'the peds', hey, boys ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 12, 2009 3:01 PM
You put one on backwards.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 12, 2009 3:03 PM
"We ain't 'lyeing'...with YOU !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 3:09 PM
"You've had the power all along, just click your buckets together and say, 'there's no place like home'... psych, Babyfoot!"
Posted by: Cpt. Clown | January 12, 2009 3:16 PM
"'Water drop' ain't nothing. Dese here 'classicists', ya takes 'unfair AND unbalanced' !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 12, 2009 3:24 PM
"I was going to do the whole thing as topiary, but it took forever to grow just the legs, so I did the torso and head in wax. Now the only problem is figuring out which category to enter this into at the sculpture show next week."
Posted by: Jesse | January 12, 2009 3:42 PM
"No, you got the goddamn 'boots for singing' on him ! Get the goddamn 'boots for sinking' on here !...Come on, youse lunks !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 12, 2009 3:43 PM
He ain't called Mr. Clean 'cause he's bald. We call him that because he mops the floor with snitches like you.
Posted by: Drew | January 12, 2009 4:04 PM
"Am I gonna stand here all day, or is one of you goombahs gonna pull my finger?"
Posted by: Richard H | January 12, 2009 4:04 PM
"Downsizing."
Posted by: Rubrick | January 12, 2009 4:06 PM
You have made a terrible mistake about the world of New Yorker cartoons: while gays, people of Middle Eastern descent, blacks, Indians, and even the Irish are protected from negative ethnic stereotyping, us guidos are drawn solely for that purpose.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | January 12, 2009 4:06 PM
"So this is the famous Gordon Lightfoot?"
Posted by: Richard H | January 12, 2009 4:09 PM
First, pour all the water into the large bucket. Next, full the small bucket, and pour it out. Next fill the small bucket again. Now you've got 1 cup of water exactly in the larger bucket, see? Johnny, take your feet out so I can prove it empirically.
Posted by: firebus | January 12, 2009 4:21 PM
"Um...there but for the grace of 'wood' go we ? ...Nah, just kidding, boys !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 4:46 PM
"When I said I never wanted to see Tootsie again, I meant..."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 12, 2009 4:55 PM
"If the feet align, they must confine, ha, ha !... Client don't always know his interest, do he ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 5:05 PM
"We ran out of cement - I hope you don't mind."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 12, 2009 5:09 PM
Those are "Epsom salts." Don't ever say we never did nothin' for ya.
Now, tell us where your brother is or my friend is going to shoot your kneecaps off. After that, we may or may not kill you. It depends on whether we can find a proper bucket to fill with cement.
Posted by: Charles | January 12, 2009 5:22 PM
As soon as I'm finished explaining our plan, untie Mr. Bond. He's not going anywhere with THESE BUCKETS ON HIS FEET.
Posted by: Charles | January 12, 2009 5:30 PM
"Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, buckets go on snitchie's toe. One's too small and blocks blood flow, eeny, meeny, miney, moe. My mother said to kill the very worst one and you are IT!"
Posted by: Francis | January 12, 2009 5:46 PM
"I'm getting tired of waiting for the cement to dry. Shoot him."
"That's a genuine oriental rug right there. Very nice."
"I don't want you die without learning something, so these differing size buckets are a metaphor for your unreliable nature."
Posted by: MAtt | January 12, 2009 6:07 PM
"No, I wasn't misusing that word as a general intensifier. We are indeed literally going to mop the floor with you."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 12, 2009 6:08 PM
make that: "want you to die"
Posted by: MAtt | January 12, 2009 6:08 PM
"Okay, from the top. Heel tap, shuffle ball change. Shuffle hop step, stomp, stomp. Ha! Again!"
Posted by: Deborah | January 12, 2009 7:07 PM
"You are going to be sleeping with the fishes, Flatfoot... Hey, wait a minute...you ain't Flatfoot! You're Pailfoot!"
"We were running low on cement!"
Posted by: Johnny V | January 12, 2009 7:59 PM
"OK Mr. Flatley, you're gonna hafta give everyone a break and permanently close any and all 'Riverdance' and 'Lord of the Dance' type productions. That is, if you ever wants to see your feets again!"
Posted by: LV | January 12, 2009 8:21 PM
Mr. Bauer here has outdone himself. For the past five seasons, liberal bedwetters have decried his Geneva Convention-defying use of belt-sanders and jumper cables in extracting time-sensitive information from the terrorists. But here, he's determined that placing buckets of different sizes on the feet of this OCD-suffering fiend will drive him mad within minutes, and he'll happily trade the location of the nuclear device in exchange for two identical foot-buckets. Even the most squeamish members of our new Democratic government won't be able to say boo to this.
Posted by: bunsen | January 12, 2009 8:39 PM
"Those are rather pail imitations of feet, if you ask me."
Posted by: Dave | January 12, 2009 8:45 PM
"Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John, one bucket on and another bucket on."
Posted by: Dave | January 12, 2009 8:50 PM
"I hope this will cement our relationship."
Posted by: Dave | January 12, 2009 8:53 PM
"Savion Glover, eat your heart out!"
Posted by: Dave | January 12, 2009 8:55 PM
I see Maundy Thursday foot washing is going well.
Posted by: Bridget Delaney | January 12, 2009 9:17 PM
"That'll teach you for tampering with other people's buckets!"
Posted by: MShaw | January 12, 2009 9:33 PM
"If you think your wife dressing you like that is bad, check out my tie!"
"I see that one foot must go through the floor!"
"This will cure on the sunburn on your feet, but we've not found a way to cure sunburn on faces yet."
"One, two, buckets your shoes. Ha Ha."
Posted by: Bridget Delaney | January 12, 2009 9:42 PM
It only looks smaller because his other leg is so fucking long.
Posted by: boyhowdy | January 12, 2009 10:14 PM
That one's the control bucket.
Posted by: boyhowdy | January 12, 2009 10:15 PM
It's like this. We ain't the government that you come asking for a big bailout and telling us you'll settle for a smaller bailout. So this is kind of ironic justice when we deposit you.
Posted by: mvh | January 12, 2009 10:31 PM
Frankly, we find your efforts to freeze your own feet off disturbing. We will force you to keep your feet in these buckets of warm water until the danger of frostbite has passed. Comply, or we'll kill you.
Posted by: Jessica | January 12, 2009 10:35 PM
"What a clump, C-L-U-M-P ! Lady on 'two' complaining, Dino."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 12, 2009 11:09 PM
"Class ! Shag carpet, piece of art, de woiks....What th. ?! Freight lift, Guido ?!"
Posted by: Von Go | January 12, 2009 11:21 PM
I hope this'll teach you not to let your front foot fly open as you step into your swing. (inside joke for baseball / golf aficianados)
Posted by: Lee Elia | January 13, 2009 12:51 AM
We know your Exophthalmos drug is still in Stage 1 trials. But The Boss wants to sign up for Stage NOW, capeche?
Posted by: Luke N. Atmaguchi | January 13, 2009 12:55 AM
*pew-pew-pew* "Better start talking before I shrink more of you with my finger-ray."
Posted by: Brian L | January 13, 2009 2:23 AM
"It was supposed to make you pee your pants. I really wanted to see you wet yourself."
Posted by: Brian L | January 13, 2009 2:29 AM
"crush those grapes! CRUUUUSHHH EMMMM!"
Posted by: Brian L | January 13, 2009 2:31 AM
"That reminds me of a funny story about a girl from Nantucket."
Posted by: Joshua | January 13, 2009 2:38 AM
"Tell us where you hid the money."
Posted by: Joshua | January 13, 2009 2:51 AM
"Unzipper your pants so I can make a finger penis."
"Bucket? I hardly even know it!"
Posted by: Harry | January 13, 2009 4:25 AM
"We grow weary of these games. We realize you're wearing buckets of different sizes as a trick to mess with our sense of perspective. Well, we can't have you muscling in on our turf. We're the Escher Mafia, see?"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 13, 2009 4:54 AM
"The small bucket I'm pointing to on his right, or your left and closest to the door but farthest away from you, was for his middle leg."
Posted by: jill | January 13, 2009 7:00 AM
"Not only did we remove your foot for previous offenses but, having done so, saved ourselves 5 francs on a smaller second bucket." [Yes, these sadistic madmen are the incomparably malign Swiss, despoilers of sheep and piste alike, yodellers of yodels, and clock fabricators of infamy. They are seen here muscling an innovative Italian coffee-machine manufacturer who, after being unable to secure even the most sub-prime of loans because of his radical and unsettling vision of a caffeinated future for all of us, fell afoul of their usurious interest-rates, a not uncommon occurence in these perilous economic times. He is fated, no doubt, to a watery grave beneath the gentle waves of Lake Constance, known also as the Bodensee, where legal responsibility for the lakebed is not clearly adjudicated between the three states which share the shore, Germany, home of a generous and hard-working anti-semitic people, Austria, home of a callous and lazy anti-semitic people, and Switzerland itself, home of ignominy, disgrace, and the curious Romansch people, descendants of legionaires, and notoriously ineffective elephant preventers.*]
* Not really, Hannibal probably crossed to the South of wicked Switz.
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 13, 2009 7:14 AM
"Let me guess--you bought the Mighty Pail for only $39.95 and Billy Mays threw in a Mini-Mighty Pail for free."
Posted by: David | January 13, 2009 7:23 AM
"Mashing the snitch's size twelves into these lady size buckets will greatly reduce our cementing cost. Thank you Tony 'the Turtleneck' for this innovative and may I add 'green' idea."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 13, 2009 8:22 AM
"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | January 13, 2009 8:29 AM
"Can you believe we bought a metric and a standard size bucket and still made it work? Kudos boys. The Godfather will be proud."
(above anonymou caption by drucker too)
Posted by: Mort drucker | January 13, 2009 8:29 AM
"No doubt you now regret your cavalier public remarks about our 'dainty dago feet.' Unfortunately for you the gangster code demands a disproportionate AND ironic response. Hence the disproptionately sized iron buckets on your feet."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 13, 2009 8:57 AM
"As you can see our cement mixing specialist is late. Our sinister smiles are to cloak our chagrin."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 13, 2009 9:01 AM
"Fashion Police, Mr. Johnson. Aluminum with white denim? Gauche!"
Posted by: adam | January 13, 2009 9:28 AM
"Do you think we would do weird stuff like this if we weren't all blind?"
Posted by: Pat | January 13, 2009 10:31 AM
"What you have there are two nineteenth century sterling silver champagne buckets, regular and magnum sizes. May I ask how much you paid for them? You might be surprised that in today's market they're worth $12,000 combined. Tanks for bringing 'em in- Vito, get da saw.
Posted by: LV | January 13, 2009 10:38 AM
"Buckets, B-U-C-K-E-T-S !"
Posted by: 'PBS' | January 13, 2009 11:28 AM
Introducing America's kinder, gentler , interrogation technique...water bucketing
Posted by: Todd L | January 13, 2009 11:31 AM
"The 'chiaroscuro' there sucks...Chris'sake, we going all the way back to Giotto here !"
Posted by: Von Go | January 13, 2009 11:55 AM
"The good news, we're closing Gitmo. The bad news, you're walking home from Cuba."
Posted by: LV | January 13, 2009 11:57 AM
"This guy is so not gellin'."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 13, 2009 12:11 PM
"Dey lookin' for dis joik everywheres, youse guys put a latch like dat ?"
Posted by: Von Go | January 13, 2009 12:19 PM
"We are sooo not 'Significant Form' here ! Therefore, out of good old-fashioned 'envy', I am taking it out on this frickin' snob Clive Bell lookalike !..Of course now, there other levels of Hell....Hey, check out some 'wrath' ?!"
Posted by: Von Go | January 13, 2009 1:07 PM
"If you're really the David Blaine of Poughkeepsie, let's see you escape from Poughkeepsie."
Posted by: Joshua | January 13, 2009 1:12 PM
"Guys, guys!! Whaddya doin' ??! Now we'll never win the Hokey Pokey Contest !!"
Posted by: Tim H | January 13, 2009 1:40 PM
"Actually, I don't see how either of his feet can fit in these buckets."
Posted by: David | January 13, 2009 1:44 PM
"Ted,
You're going to want to put your gun under your sweater before we go outside. "
Posted by: David | January 13, 2009 1:46 PM
"At that moment, Leo assessed his situation and decided that he did have several advantages. The fools had tied the ropes around his scrawny shoulders rather than his sizable gut while leaving feet separate and free to move. If they were this careless once he was in the water, he just might get out of this mess."
Posted by: David | January 13, 2009 1:56 PM
"I know you're a size ten but all we have left in stock is an eight or and 11 and a half. "
Posted by: David | January 13, 2009 1:59 PM
"Dey lookin for dis putz oil over, youse put a BATCH like dat ?!"
Posted by: Von Go | January 13, 2009 2:10 PM
"It's a good thing there's no slack here to shed this, ha, ha."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 13, 2009 2:30 PM
"Hey guys, guess where my pupils are! No, not in those buckets!"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 13, 2009 2:59 PM
- 'Disappeared' at the bottoms of ponds, lakes and rivers were oftentimes denominated 'flowers', in the affectless, arcane parlance of 'The Family'. In consequence, a nigh on inevitable, metaphoric development upon the theme on the part of numbers of the more playful and inventive criminal 'practitioners', were the usages 'bouquet' and 'vase', wherever, that is, multiple victims were acqueously to be disposed of. In the illustration which we bring you above, for purposes only of your more certain remembrance and understanding, to be sure, it could, therefore, never be considered altogether proper, with regard to the vessels here shown, encompassing as they do one mere victim's feet, ankles, AND lower legs -, to refer to them as 'vases ; but, rather, the vessels as they appear here may only properly be denominated by terms such as the more plebeian 'buckets'; and collaterally , therefore, the victim here merely by 'flower' -and not by usages anywhere nearly so grandiose as 'bouquet' and the like. -
Posted by: Anonymous | January 13, 2009 5:01 PM
"Look, they came in a nested set. There is a third, smaller bucket but I put a plant in it. Now, I believe it's time we all moved on.
gives knowing glance to submitters, turns back and continues the scene"
Posted by: Brian L | January 13, 2009 5:29 PM
"No, Mr. Gold Bond, we expect them to dry. And become irritated, possibly."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | January 13, 2009 5:39 PM
Suppose you took, say, a 50 gal. washtub and cemented three or four victims in there. Would that be considered a 'bouquet' like you're talking about, with your washtub your 'vase' ?
Posted by: Anonymous | January 13, 2009 6:25 PM
Start talking! You don't want us to call in the massues next, do ya?
Posted by: John Martin | January 13, 2009 7:30 PM
Oh-my-God! Look at this floor. Barf. Who shaved William Shatner's chest hair and decided to make it into a carpet?
Posted by: Dani from Miami | January 13, 2009 7:47 PM
“After you finish pouring the cement tell me that bald joke again.”
Posted by: jill | January 13, 2009 7:52 PM
Did you know that this is the very office that I lost my virginity in? My lover Carl here couldn't keep his Tec "9" in his pants back then either.
Posted by: Dani from Miami | January 13, 2009 7:54 PM
“He doesn’t have a dick, but he has a gun, so my finger is his dick and my gun.”
Posted by: Angel | January 13, 2009 8:38 PM
"Yeah, you're right- it does look ridiculous. You know what will take your mind off it? Putting your head in a vise until your left eyeball pops out."
Posted by: Steve_O | January 13, 2009 9:11 PM
“While the cement is drying why’nt you start running water in the bathtub.”
Posted by: jill | January 13, 2009 10:30 PM
"Funny story- this morning I grabbed my kids sandbox pail by accident and... Okay, so I can see you're not laughing."
Posted by: Mork | January 14, 2009 12:07 AM
[ note to drucker - that 08:22 am one is just twisted in the right way to win the NY contest. do it!]
Posted by: Vance | January 14, 2009 12:52 AM
"See this finger? It cost more than your car."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 7:11 AM
"You're about to be horrifically murdered -- of course you'd be getting a little pail. HA! Jesus, between the props and the falling asleep in a tanning bed, I'm the fucking Carrot Top of sociopaths."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 14, 2009 7:49 AM
"So, Mr. I-witnessed-a-shooter-behind-the-fence-on-the-grassy-knoll, any last words?"
Posted by: J.D. | January 14, 2009 10:52 AM
"I'm tinking we sink dis guy over by the Tetons. Dunno, mebbe I's suggestible...What ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 11:33 AM
"Fogeddit !..Lookit, dat Kid's Park whadever dey figurin' espandin', big dealin', say dis putz suddin pops up dere Satday...wit all dem goils 'n boys presents, lookit, you tinks dat prestinkt goin places, fogeddit !...We moves da kasina in dere ?...Tink aboudit !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 11:56 AM
"So, 'Mr. I Heard More Shots Ring Out At The Ambassador Than Sirhan Sirhan Could Possibly Have Squeezed Off In The Time He Had', any last words ?" [I ,of course, will cede victory in this contest to 'J.D.' above, should our entries end in a 'winning tie'....which will probably not happen.]
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 12:22 PM
But both of you have a better chance of winning with those here than you would at The New Yorker contest, if that's any consolation.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 12:35 PM
"You see Jim, while we all agree that biting your own toe nails requires great physical dexterity, it's still pretty disgusting to watch. That's why we're having this intervention."
Posted by: al in la | January 14, 2009 12:53 PM
I couldn't get two of the same size because of the economy!
Posted by: skibum | January 14, 2009 1:07 PM
"I don't approve of you fellows' taste in art....oh, and what's with these mismatched pails here ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 14, 2009 1:40 PM
"Hey, you got the singing shoe on one and the sinking boot on the other. What's going down here ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 14, 2009 2:09 PM
The horr'rs here are obscene !
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 2:31 PM
"O.K., maybe you'd prefer another rendition ? ..Hit it, boys !" (All turn to and continue to perform.)
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 14, 2009 2:45 PM
We're going to use U.S. Army-torture-resistance-training-devised "enhanced interrogation" on you while bucketing your feet. That's right, we call it SERE-a-pailin'.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 14, 2009 3:19 PM
"The business of America IS badness !..Or is it the other way around ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 4:13 PM
["We all may be Good fellows here but we're none of us viewed as Sterne."]
Posted by: Sam L. | January 14, 2009 4:40 PM
Is anyone else's head exploding, or is just me ?
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 5:44 PM
Or: "We all may be Good fellowes here but we are none of us viewed as Sterne."
Posted by: Sam L. | January 14, 2009 6:17 PM
Gudlye fellowes ?
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 6:31 PM
Goodfellas !
Posted by: Anonymous | January 14, 2009 6:33 PM
"Who has put pubic hair on his bucket?"
"OK, now how are we gonna flip the handles to the other side of the buckets?"
"If one of us kicks the bucket, do you think it will hurt his feet?"
Posted by: Kevin Dean Nicewanger | January 14, 2009 7:47 PM
"Now, Harry here has the right idea but using different sized buckets can really play havoc with the flotation ratio."
Posted by: Dave | January 14, 2009 8:29 PM
"OK, ready? Now watch - I put my finger over here like it's comin' out of Fred's zipper here, right? Now we go ah-ah-ee-ee, here it comes, here comes Mister... Hey, shithead, could ya pay attention and stop starin' at your shoes?"
Posted by: Vance | January 15, 2009 1:30 AM
"Ok, you know where to drop him. That pier where the bucket eating piranha hang out.Heh..the snitches always think they got a chance but here's the hitch: the frigging piranha are almost fished out. There won't be enough to eat through the buckets in time. Ha ha ha. Ok, but to be on the safe side, lets stop at Home Depot and get two more buckets and a small bag of mix."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 15, 2009 3:17 AM
"Look at those bug eyes--like he's never seen buckets filled with cement before."
Posted by: Angel | January 15, 2009 7:19 AM
"Wait a minute--I thought you were Ronald and he was Donald. Fucking twins!"
Posted by: Deb | January 15, 2009 7:28 AM
"Sorry Bil. The people have spoken...But you'll notice we used one of little Billy's sand pails to make it less traumatic for you."
Posted by: al in la | January 15, 2009 1:55 PM
Don't freak, the corner of this room isn't at a right angle either, I think it's just a perspective problem. You're a little OCD, aren't you?
Posted by: Cpt. A Clown | January 15, 2009 5:33 PM
Now, see, we just started wit ya by amputating your feet and the lower portion of your left tibia and resting your stumps on these buckets of sand. Tell us what we want to know or you'll end up like Rocco there next to ya, with the entire lower half of his body and his hands cut off.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | January 15, 2009 6:12 PM
"Dude, I want us to be in that anti-caption contest so bad but i can't think of nothing about this that's funny . Let's just throw this toejam f***er in the river! Hey! now that's funny!"
Posted by: BB | January 15, 2009 11:34 PM
"Let's go, Carmen. He's not gonna download himself."
Posted by: GregT | January 16, 2009 7:25 AM
A devout Lutheran understands the difference 'twixt a pail and a bucket.
Posted by: Norton Brill | January 16, 2009 7:59 AM
"It 'looks stupid'? Jimmy's holster hangin' under his left tit 'looks stupid'. The perspective that make it appear that you are rising through the floor 'looks stupid'. These buckets of two different sizes, both too small to contain his feet? That's just criminally bad fucking cartooning."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 16, 2009 8:31 AM
"Hudson's out, every fuckhead with a Brownie will be over there for days !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2009 12:00 PM
"Dat ain't woikin' ! Off 'Lon Giland', dat salt wat'r, more b'uncy, you lunkheads !...Get more wait on dere !"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2009 12:22 PM
[ Note to previous Anonymous - you do realize that there's a five-post limit even if you keep changing your screen name, right? ]
Posted by: 'Anonymous' | January 16, 2009 12:36 PM
"Sully thinks the leading brand's gonna soften him up better, but I'm bettin' on Ultra-Concentrated Snuggle®."
Posted by: Damon | January 16, 2009 12:36 PM
Best of all, the cuffs come in two different sizes. And with handles, too!
Posted by: Tom | January 16, 2009 1:14 PM
Relax, it's Palmolive!
Posted by: Tom | January 16, 2009 1:15 PM
"Excellent work, sergeant. After all these years, the boys down at the D.A.'s office had given up on mankind ever unraveling the mystery of all those tiny crop circles."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 16, 2009 3:16 PM
Now there´s many a day on the Spanish Main
but none I hold so dear
As the happy day I first became a scurvy bucketneer
Pull away, me lads o´the Cardiff Rose
And hoist the Jolly Roger
Posted by: Kathy H | January 16, 2009 3:23 PM
"Right, I follow you up to the part where he forgot the garlic sauce with our cheesybread, but would you explain again why you had to cut off his feet?"
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 16, 2009 3:31 PM
"It's like Bush said, 'You may not agree wit summa da tough decisions I made, but I hope you agree dat I was willing to make da tough decisions.'"
Posted by: al in la | January 16, 2009 3:45 PM
"S'matter, Dino ? You drop your contacts ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2009 3:47 PM
Yes, you _should_ be ashamed for having such a disproportionately small right foot. And for being a narc.
Posted by: Ruth | January 16, 2009 4:06 PM
When the funds are wired, you’ll get your wig.
Posted by: EG | January 16, 2009 4:26 PM
"In the unlikely event of a water landing, that bucket can be used as a flotation device. Unlikely event of a water landing, Ha ha ha ha! See you at the bottom of the Hudson!"
Posted by: NJtoTX | January 16, 2009 5:31 PM
"Don't make us resort to our good cop-bald cop routine."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 16, 2009 8:59 PM
"The last time when we used the full size bucket up here, the cement was too big and too heavy to take the guy out of the apartment. So just using the small buckets will stop him from running, and we can put him in the full size cement bucket AFTER we get him down to the river."
Posted by: Richard | January 17, 2009 11:58 AM