January 5, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #176

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


First place
"Mr. foreman, you being an upside-down chair makes me concerned about your potential bias in a case involving other unruly furniture." —Damon

Second place
"Looks like this 'superior court' has turned out to be pretty 'inferior' when it comes to quality of construction!" — Rubrick

Third place
"Damn, good closing argument. He inherited the shit out of that wind." —t.a.m.s.y.

Honorable mention
Man, I have really got to tone down that under-the-desk masturbating."—Vance

"How did this file cabinet get in here?" —David

"I think this merits a Facebook status update." —Francis

"Would the court stenographer please read back the tape, starting with, 'Oh no you di-int.'" —mypalmike

"Judge Hulk dismiss case!" —Stevo Darkly

"Damn it, my court is ruined! Curse you, Octopus with a hat!" —Joe Terranova

"I am the last human being alive." — RJ White

"Well, at least I've still got my last pair of glasses. I may as well head to the library and do all the reading I've longed to do, without interruption." —Charles

Posted by Daniel Radosh


RNC..may I help you? RNC..may I help you? RNC..may I help you?

"Bailiff, would you mind finding out where that Brian Nichols chap went? Bailiff?"

"Awful mess, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? What's that? You say I've been retired for fifteen years? And that this courthouse was condemned a long time ago? DAMN YOUR LIES, AWFUL MESS! Damn you! Damn...[breaks into sobs]...oh please...somebody help me...please..."

Unless I am or have been rendered as a light-skinned one, thank Themis there are no black people here to see this. Baliff Raheem is gone. As is the stenotypewriter . . .

Disorder in the court !!!

"Man, I have really got to tone down that under-the-desk masturbating."

I am the last human being alive.

[From the Anti-Caption Classics Follow-Ups series] Wow, that whale took the verdict really hard . . .

"Oh my god, what a terrible earthquake! It's killed every single person in here. I'm in shock. I can't even move. This is awful."

I guess my gavel is broken.

This is the biggest upheaval in furniture disarraying law since the upending of the Ottoman Empire.

"'Who farted?!'"

Well, at least I've still got my last pair of glasses. I may as well head to the library and do all the reading I've longed to do, without interruption.

Col. Jessup: You want answers?

Kaffee: I think I'm entitled.

Col. Jessup (again): You want answers?

Kaffee: I want the truth!

Col. Jessup: You can't handle the truth!

Kaffee: I'm SO SICK of people like you saying I can't handle it![starts tearing up the courtroom] Fuck everyone! It's my religion, and I'll believe whatever the fuck I want to - and I don't give a shit about your "reality" or "truth", man. You'll see, when the day comes! [points to jury] You'll allllll see! [runs out, crying and laughing hysterically]

Judge: How many takes have we done so far?

Jack: [drinks from flask, looks at it] Twenty three. [takes another sip] Make that twenty four.

Unprintable expletive deleted? Fuck you, Safire!

In the case of Norton vs. Marvel Comics, I side with the plaintiff

I now call Mr. Jerry Springer to the witness stand

"You shall address this court as 'Your Honor', not as 'mrrrrffff, ummmmmmff.'"

"Are these all the records that Mr Gonzales and the Justice Department were able to provide?"

"How did this file cabinet get in here?"

"Awww Man! The broke the eagle on my flag, too!"

"I preferred the one with the dancing girls."

"Mr. foreman, you being an upside-down chair makes me concerned about your potential bias in a case involving other unruly furniture."

Damn it, my court is ruined! Curse you, Octopus with a hat!

"What did I miss?"


Mac? Christine? Dan? Oh f*ck, why did I have to tell Bull there was no Santa Claus?!

This, suh, is Louisiana and we're not gonna let a little thing like a hurricane get in the way of holding trials and jailing blacks.

I take iut that my verdict has been overturned.

"You are still sentenced to 6 months of anger management therapy - wherever you are."

"...Judge Edmund Fitzgerald presiding."

"Oh, wait, I'm wearing my glasses today, not my contact lenses. You all can stop looking."

I find the octopus with the pot on its head guilty.

"From now on, recess is outside and no capture the flag games in the courtroom."

"I'd better just let the N.A.A.C.P. in here to see this."

Why, Lord? We passed Prop. 8 just like you asked us to!

"You jurists here are insane."

"Order...order in the court."

"If my gavel was extraordinarily large this would make sense because, you see, the implication would be that I pounded my extraordinarily large gavel and sent the whole courtroom into a tumult. It still wouldn't be funny, but it would make sense."

"I think this merits a Facebook status update."

"Oh, me ! And my Sansevieria trifasciata was forty years old."

[off-screen voice] "Now this was the day the courthouse was knocked over by a giant mutated lizard. Oh, whoops, hang on, I put the slide in sideways."

"Upon further review, Mr. Pacino, I stand corrected: This whole trial IS out of order..."

"Motion to move the trial from South Central LA is granted."

Well, that table was certainly motioned. Is it funnier when I say it like Ed Wynn?

"FEMA called, and they want their lack of a sense of urgency back."

"Whew, 'cat fight'. ...SOMEONE on her period !"

Wow, they weren't kidding about a hostile witness.

"This whole courtroom is out of...of..." [dies of old age]

"This court finds the defendant guilty of conspiracy to commit suicide bombing. Sentencing will commence as soon as I find my legs."

"Mr. Bush? Mr. Cheney? Your defense--that 'it was like this when we got here'--is laughable. I hereby sentence you to a life of shame and a legacy of disgrace."

"...and on Sasha and Malia's first day of school! WHY, DEAR GOD?! WHY?!"

"I don't much about construction, but I think that door is WAY out of plumb."

"I really should charge extra for the civil unions..."

- In the last years of The Republic, disrespect of institutions was such that once august journals of taste and opinion like The New Yorker would very often publish cartoons in which courts of law were the venues of either animals or dancing girls - presided over by jurists who were typically feckless, and sometimes, quite frankly, clueless, concupiscent octogenarians far gone to the ravages of 'Dementia senilis'....if not worse. -

[Meant to say...] "I don't know much about construction, but I think that door is WAY out of plumb"

This court finds that Russell Crowe is the one and only Santa Claus.

Somebody call the fire department... the octopus' head is stuck in the flowerpot again.

"I am haunted by tha fracas of my victims."

"I've always said that justice should be both swift and blind; and yet ironically, it is the combination of these two qualities that resulted in my bailiff being crushed to death."


"In view of what just happened, we will recess for the rest of the day. This court will readjourn on Monday at 9 o'clock."

"Cool. I can go home and jack off to a cute webcam boy in Colombia!"

"Shit. Now how am I going to send more niggers to the prison-industrial complex?"

"I really should charge extra for the civil unions..."

'I must now, as I perceive my duty and obligation to be, take proper steps to insure that the trial as it continues be conducted in an atmosphere of dignity, an atmosphere that the defendants and each of them are entitled to have prevail in the trial of this case. As we all know, the defendant Bobby G. Seale has been guilty of conduct in the presence of the court during this trial which is not only contumacious in character but his misconduct was so grave in character as to continually disrupt the orderly administration of justice.....'

"There are fifty occult pentagrams hiding in plain sight on every American flag, each one a satanic portal to the underworld through which demonic spirits enter freely and thoroughly fuck shit up."

The court asks that members of the jury please refrain from yelling "Hey, Kool Aid!"

- The Hon. Judge Roy 'Haas' Been -

" 'The Plant Doctor' ?"

".....gave proof through the [fight] That our flag was still there ! O, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the home of the free and the home of the brave ?"

- LAND of the free ! -


"I really should charge extra for the uncivil unions..."

perhaps almost droll enough for the real contest

Heckuva job Brownie. Case dismissed.

"Strenuously object? You strenuously object? Overruled, tits for brains, and clean up your fucking mess!"

"All rise for the Honorable Judge Slobbo McShittycourt."

Order! Order! Ord... Acting like a judge isn't nearly as much fun as I thought it would be. On reflection, neither was laughing at the Christ followers. I am so lonely. Jesus? If you're still there, I'm ready to talk.

[Vincent Bugliosi, frustrated at the failure of his later arguments to affect the quality of American jurisprudence for the better, added to the laurels of a long and distinguished by resuming a career in law at the very highest levels, even to the seats of power. - 'Requiscat in Pace']

"...at long last restored to the bosom of his family."

"Oh, I'll show you judicial activism."

"Damn. And I had 3706 straight days without an accident."

"oh no! I seem to be tilting ever so slowly forward."

"Chief justice in hell is just like chief justice on earth except you live with the consequences of your decisions."

"Don't blame me -- I voted for Gore."

Sigh. . .I remember when we bought that flag. It was the summer of 1845, after Florida had joined the Union, but before Texas had.

"Mr. Burris & Mr. Franken, there still appears to be some contention over your seating here in the Senate."

"Open now for bidding is Lot #14: Access International office contents of one T. Magnon de la Villehuche (incomplete- some asshole made off with the valuables)."

[whispers]............[normal voice].................[loud voice].........................................................................................[having orgasm voice]

"I knew I should have stayed home today."

"I don't know why he was so upset. All I said was, 'I sentence you to death.'"

"This was the 'Night Court' reunion show ever. I'll never try to fuck Bull again."

" 'Spare the rod and spoil the child.' Fuck Spock !"

"That's not fair. That's not fair at all. There was time now. There was all the time I needed... ! It's not fair! Wait. I have my glasses! I have my glasses! What the hell am I doing in a courtroom? Where's the damned library?"

"One minute there's a bunch of Rockettes in here giving me a hard on, the next minute, THIS!"

- Outraged that the admission of Texas as the 28th state in the union on Dec. 29, 1945 might result in the permanent establishment of slavery within the borders of the United States, northern abolitionist elements were not without resources in the manifestation of their displeasure. -

We'll need the long arms of Johnny Law to clean this place up!

"Call the next witness."

"My God! Everything collapsed around me, and yet somehow I'm completely unscathed! Jesus I'm lucky!"

"Looks like this 'superior court' has turned out to be pretty 'inferior' when it comes to quality of construction!"

"You're not really helping your case, Mr. Simpson."

"OK, so I'm a judge, but must I really 'judge' which bit of all this mess is the most hopelessly fucked up? Oh, all right. Hmmm.... I'd say it would have to be that completely mangled and unusable Slinky over there by the desk lamp."

- As everyone knows, Texas entered became a state on Dec. 29, 1845. Sorry about that ! -

"Well, things could be much worse. At least I'm not a Palestinian child who's just had his limbs blown off."

"Damn, I think I lost my keys."


"Well. That's the last time I wear a fuzzy sweater to court."

"Judge Hulk dismiss case!"

"I know this was your handiwork, One-Eyed Cyborg Space Octopus! But where are you hiding? WHERE ARRRE YOOOU?!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, in the matter of Linda's China Shop vs. Francis Bull, this court is now in session."

"Damage report, Mr. Sulu."

"Superior Court of Manhattan, Judge Langley Collyer presiding."

"I am become Death, destroyer of worlds. [Sigh] And just one day before retirement, too."

"It's so sad the way I sit in this old, abandoned office building and pretend to be a judge. My life has fallen apart since my wife died.(sigh) Well, it's 5 P.M.- court adjourned."

"And in conclusion, what the court perceives as chaos is actually a meticulous reconstruction of chaos. I call it Exhibit A and ask that it be roped off with a velvet cord because, well frankly your honor, this courtroom could use a little sprucing up."

"Within the detritus littered before you there are three objects that belong to a former high incarnated LLama. If the rumours are true, and you are indeed the heir, these possessions will be known to you. If you picked incorrectly you can have what you take and the Court wishes you a long life of relative ignorance."

"Judge WHOP-ner rules you be seriously out of order."

"This trial has been a farce from start to finish. And by farce I mean a rollicking laff riot of a show with a cast of cockamammie characters we loved inviting into our living room week after week."

"Nielsen 8.1 ! Slam dunk ! Hey, fuck 'good law' !"

"Clear the courtroom, clear the courtroom."

"I guess today we became The Turd Branch


"Whoa ! Nothing about 'the establishment of religion' here, all ; but there nothing like a blast of that kind to make a guy suddenly better appreciate the life-threatening and terrifying circumstances under which the common, ordinary Israeli citizen has been made to live from day to day under the threat of Muslim, Hamas mortar and rocket fire, if not worse.......Not that I'm Jewish, now !"

"Worse 'n it looks, worse 'n it looks ! Come by the bookcase off a brother out Utah, ran a goat operation, forced to dispose, live-in running off. Sofa, armoire - my pet goats, cheap !....Oh, yeah !"

"What a fucking mess."

"That's it. No more search warrants. Ever."

"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this. Especially all those ones I sent to the chair. Nothing better than a quick trial with a mostly white jury and all white lawyers on both sides. And there's always that one girls crying in the back, and you can never tell if she's related to the victim or the defendent. Sigh. Hey, what happened to my courtroom?"

"I've got to clean out this damn shed. It's such a jumble it's starting to look like a damn federal grand jury trial in here."

"The jur'rs here are unseen, bailiff."

"'Osama' Stevens' fingerprints are all over this one !"

"Freakin' goats. Huh ! Brother swore they were house-broken."

"Lousy IKEA courtroom furnishings!"

"Damn, they were right! Bang the gavel anywhere else and everything goes to hell. Well, back to pimping-out my daughter."

"That does it, Skilling ! It's ADX Florence for you now ! (mutters) Jeez, what a brute..Who knew ?"

"Ok.......remains of The People vs Ted Kaczynski will resume tomorrow morning at 9:00 am."

"'Judge not, that ye not be judged.' (sigh) If only I'd heeded the word of the Lord."

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I KNEW I should have condemned Hamas and not the Mossad!"

Oh, mercy,..........I just pooped my pants.

“Wow! Jeepers! I guess we’re gonna need some more FBI witnesses.”

"I am flouted for the license of my decisions."

"I guess this is what they mean by gravel-to-gravel coverage."

"Thank God I'm sitting in Krazy Glue® or who knows where the hell I'd be right now."

"Huh ! And I was touted for the graces of my 'Sickles'! "

Truly this man was the son of God.

"Carl Jung said 'In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.' But, then again, Sean Young said 'My love life is all messed up'. So, go figure."

"So I suppose it's left to me now to notify Miss Grace's husband. Oh, me. Those poor twins !"

I'm blind and immensely strong.

Now which button turns off the courtroom-furniture-magnet?

This will all change when Obama becomes president.

I will make it my job to find out who is guilty of creating this mess.

"Putting Bull in charge of handing out the first welfare checks for 2009 wasn't the best idea."

- As shown by one of THE GLOBE's own graphic illustrators, a portion of the terrible scene as it appeared in Judge Rudolf Gadney's courtroom last week in the immediate aftermath of a sudden, unexpected explosion. Investigations are still under way, and The Globe is at this time judicially constrained from depicting the full horror of the event to its readership. -

"Jesus Christ, where do I begin?"

"I hold this court to be in contretemps, if you will."

"Oh dear--from up here it doesn't look anything like like what I intended. I suck at Cubism."

"I'M out of order?! YOU'RE out of order! The whole damn court is out of order!"

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard. Where the heck are you?"


"Well, I think Evrolet Girl's divorce hearing went quite well."

"A 'lifetime appointment to the bench' doesn't look so hot just 'bout now."

Bailiff! Don't worry about my gavel! It was in my hand...just find that damned fez-stealing octopus!

"Damn shoe throwers."

"Damn, good closing argument. He inherited the shit out of that wind."

"Let the record show that at precisely 5:04 p.m., today, October 17, 1989, I was sitting in this stupid courtroom instead of being out there at Candlestick Park for Game 3 of the World Series."

"It is my ruling that Mattel's G.I. Joe Action Figure and Grenade Launcher clearly poses a safety hazard to young children."

Ha! Your shoe missed again! Your shoe missed again! Evil-doer . . .

"Darn it all, Clarence Thomas TOLD me this would happen if I ever spoke in court, and I didn't believe him..."

"Would the court stenographer please read back the tape, starting with, 'Oh no you di-int.'"

"I never metaphor I didn't like."

"Chicolini, you are charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.
I object.
You object? On what grounds?
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Objection sustained.
Your majesty, you sustain the objection?
Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?

Ha ha ha, I love Duck Soup!"

One more outburst and I'll mark all of you half off.

"Oh, no ! Another jury nullification."

"Okay then, I guess we're adjourned. Remember folks, Sore Losers Anonymous meets here every Tuesday and Friday."

- Alien invasion ?!! What on earth else might explain the never-before-seen paraphernalia which littered the courthouse of Judge Hugo Sanchez at Roswell, N.M. on March 10, this year of Our Lord 1916, following impact with a 'swiftly moving fiery ball', according to some witnesses ? What might account for the scant notice heretofore given to the bizarre occurrence in Roswell by our Eastern press can only be that it came to pass only one day following the shocking violation of this nation's borders at Columbus by the Mexican scoundrel, 'Paunchy' Villa ! The worthy and patriotic Sanchez, ever the champion of New Mexico's recent accession to statehood in 1912, had since the beginning of this year been celebrating the 68th anniversary of our nations's splendid and heroic acquisition of the Territory of New Mexico, in the Treaty of Guadaloupe, by proudly flaunting the 'Stars and Stripes' as she stood at the time of the late negotiation. In closing the account of these events -puzzling in the Roswell case as they are troubling in the Columbus -until such time as further investigations may better ascertain, the editors of this monthly urge that every citizen pray for President Woodrow Wilson's wise navigation of our nation's course as he attempts to resolve threats of danger from both along our southwestern boundary in New Mexico, as well as, seemingly now, even from along the margins of our nation's upper atmosphere. -

"Mis-trial?! It sounded like you said, Missle!"

"What the Fuck!?!"


Yet who would have thought the old table to have so much gum under it?

I guess I shouldn't have let those gay guys get married.

"It seems to me that this is no time to be skimping on cleaning services."

"Looks like 'The Juice' got loose!"

"Shoe bomb !?....Be damned !......These are the times to deny men soles."

"For fuck's sake, you people...haven't you ever seen an uncircumcised cock before?!?"

Outtake from What's Up, Doc? (Peter Bogdanovich, 1972)

"Fuck it, I don't have time for this anymore. I declare Mypalmike the winner every week. Got that? Okay, I'm getting a life now and I suggest you all do the same."

"This was such a beautiful anti-caption contest when I started it, and now look."

"The court finds for the plaintiff: Mr. Fusilli is indeed a crazy bastard."

That's what I get for labeling a 200 pound Ho a Heifer.

Wow! An earthquake strikes with a 7.6 on the Richter scale and it's just me left with Richard Dreyfuss under the bench giving me a BJ.I guess us Jews really are the chosen ones.

"I'm sorry, ladies, I simply will not have my courtroom used by BOCELLI for an encore performance in our little community...No, that's final.....Of course, it's not that BOCELLI doesn't have a most magnificent operatic voice....."

"Huh ! I WAS 'voted' for the gravies of my 'chickins'."

"...man, that court reporter's got a big ass..."

"I hereby sentence you, Mick Stevens, to as many hours of community service as it takes to clean up this fucking mess that you drew, and you can start with that sorry-ass squiggle you tagged on my floor."

"Okay I'm back and HEY!! WHERE'S MY GAVEL?"

"Moe, Larry and Curly are responsible for this."

"Damn it! I knew, 'You've been selected for Extreme Makeover: Courthouse Edition' was actually a bomb threat."

I think that ex-governor Milorad "Rod" R. Blagojevich made a better governor than a janitor. Please place that in the record.

'I don't care, dead or alive --either way. It doesn't matter to me. I don't know whether we're going to get him tomorrow or a month from now or a year from now. I don't really know. But we're going to get him....'

Affirmed, in the case of Pile of Busted Furniture, Coffee Mug and Overturned Potted Plant v. Board of Elections of New York State, that this pile of busted furniture, coffee mug and overturned potted plant has more governing experience than does Caroline Kennedy, and is granted ballot access for the U.S. Senate election.

"Where's Waldo? It's me. I'm Waldo. I got older and stopped dressing like a fuckwad."

"Bueller? Bueller?"

"You see, I wanted to give my ex-wife the impression that I partied down a lot. So for three and a half hours I meticulously misplaced everything in here. And then it hit me: 'Fuck, this is a courtroom.'"

"Everyone else is home. That being said, the hours are obscene."

"And to think: I did it all just so they wouldn't notice the spilled cup of semen on the end of my desk."

"Well, this is what you get for building a courtroom in the middle of a Pamplona street, now isn't it."

"Mr. Cochran, perhaps you should have also told the court that if the glove DOES fit, your client will throw a shit fit."

"Sustained. The jury will disregard the portion of the defendants remarks beginning with, 'Nyuck nyuck nyuck woo woo woo,' and ending with, 'Soint-ainly!'"

"The sore'eads here are obscene."

"The power there was unseen."

"Uh, I know this may be a bit irregular, but I have called you here not as a judge, you see, but as a lifelong student of the law, in order to analogize with this mess what a shambles I feel it, what law and justice, are sure to become should this...this clown, this comedian Al Franken of Minnesota, ever be admitted to the august, upper body of our Congress. The 'worst possible' results can be the only outcome ! Is THAT what you wish ?!...But now, as to Mr. Burris, Mr. Roland Burris of Illinois, of whom a few of you have asked, I feel he is a fine pick for senator, and I can think of no proper objection at all."

Even though he's black ?

"These was the crimes that ply MEN'S soles."

"Huh !...Quickest 'Reductio ad absurdum' ever !"

"I refute 'Seinfelds' thus....frickin' stand-ups !"

"That chili really packs a mean punch!"

[New for 2009: Anti-Caption product placement]

VO: "Wanna get away?...With Southwest's internet specials, now you can."

"Even so, these proceedings will not be recessed due to a stinking playoff football game ! What, TWO stinking football games ?!...And I am sure gays and women in court today can have no objection!"

"So where the hell did I put those fucking search warrants?"


Shit! I just paid $9.25 for that Grande Iced Macchiato with Half Skim Half Soy, a sprinkle of Cinnamon and now it's ruined.

Maybe I should take my phone off Vibrate and put it back on the Best of Rick Martin ringtone.

Maybe I should take my phone off Vibrate and put it back on the Best of Ricky Martin ringtone.

I make $229,000 a year and they still chain the pens to the bench like I'm going to steal it.

"Oh, all right then. NOT guilty."

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