February 23, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #182

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


First place
[voice on phone] - "...press '2' if your Joan Miro painting has caused unusual behavior in your pets..." —MAtt |

Second place
"No matter what you say about still having a full life, I always feel like I'm missing things since I went blind." —David

Third place
"Did you do everything I told you to?"
"Did you tie up your wife?"
"Yes - and I tied up my kids."
"I turned out the lights."
"I wrote `Victoria Roberts' on the floor."
"I stacked the cats."
"I raped the dog."

Honorable mention
"Hello...Four Cats Standing Totem-like In Your Living Room Hotline? I have a que...yes, I'll hold." —TK

"I'm in your New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #182, Anti-Captioning your New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #182." —Hennie

"I'm telling you, it's cats all the way down." — Squidocto

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I'll have to call you back. The cats are begging me to watch Man on Wire with them again."

"I shouldn't have let the guy at Petsmart sell me a home entertainment system"

"Honey, I was thinking it's time to replace the sofa. What do you say?"

“Look, I can only fit three of them on the rotisserie, so how ‘bout we microwave ‘Buttons.’”

"Just watching a cat orgy. What're you doin'?"

"Yes, yes. If I hold the phone with my left hand I can masturbate with my right. Wait, the cats are trying to send me a message."

"So, pretty much whatever the cats do, it means 'give us food', is that it?"

"Yeah, the one on top, in the striped shirt - he lost his hat - he seems to be the instigator."

"Oh, and one more thing. I'm no longer tripping over all your damn cats."

"I think they're saying they'd have to be Christ to resist the temptation of snatching the goldfish out of that tiny bowl on the end table."

"Yes, the house-sitting has been going fine. They've got this weird collection of embalmed cats, so I've been arranging them in amusing ways to keep myself entertained."

"Half-man half-dog absentmindedly scratches right ear while cats scare crows in front of hideous collection of throw pillows"
-Victoria Roberts, 2009

Honey, I have to go, the cats got into the formaldehyde stash I was using to rape passersby again.

"Believe me, it'll take more than one pussy to crucify that pesky puppy!"

"Are you sure I can't interested you in The Flying Katsamazovs?"

"I'm estimating it takes four cats to change a lightbulb....... What do you mean, 'it's just a joke'?"

"We'll have to continue this conversation later, giant piece of macaroni. My wife made of cats wants to have sex. What's that? Yeah, I know - I'm a crazy bastard."

"You won't believe it! I was able to buy a pair of socks from Socko on Craigs List! Although they don't light up? Wait is says here Socks by Sucko, ah fuck."

"Oh, you think you're all so smart! Can YOU pull a kielbasa out of YOUR ear?"

"I'm caller twelve? Yes, I'm ready for the $10,000 question! Ok...`What sculptures, carved from large trees, were typically made by the indigenous people of the pacific northwest'? Wow - I have no idea! That's a tough one. I wish someone were here to give me a clue. Hold on a sec...GET THE FUCK DOWN, YOU STUPID CATS! Sorry - I'm back. I give up; what was the answer?"

"Hello? Is this the Inuit Defamation League? I have something you may find interesting."

[voice on phone] - "...press '2' if your Joan Miro painting has caused unusual behavior in your pets..."

"No matter what you say about still having a full life, I always feel like I'm missing things since I went blind."

This one doesn't count, I already did 5, but, "The meowers here are a mob scene."

"Yeah, they're playing Voltron again."

"The meowers here are Tsimshian."

"AAAAAAh! Somebody HELLLLP! A giant slug is burrowing into my ear and my shoulder injuries prevent me from raising my right arm or doing anything more than weakly clawing at it with my left!!! Don't you HEAR me, you goddamn circus cats? Get down offa there and HELP me!"

"Well, you were right, Fred - I didn't think using a phone that looks like an old Model 220 rotary but is completely cordless would change the way I see things. But it really has."

"Now why did I bring our stack of taxidermied cats out to the living room? Oh, right -- honey, could you pick up two rolls of toilet paper?"

"Yes, I'm calling to find out if I can substitute four cats in your recipe for Five Cat Soup."

"So tell me again why you clipped Freddie's whiskers."

*gruff whisper* No, you cannot haz a second coming!

Hey Sal. I'm going to have to call you back. I'm neck deep in pussy.

Hold one sec... no, no, I'm telling you guys, if you don't have an overcoat you'll never get past the guard. Sorry, Jim. I had to talk to my cats for a second. My fucking cats who only listen TO THE BEGINNING OF THE PLAN.

"Oh, no. They have it all over Phidias."

"Hello, poison control? I think my cats might’ve gotten into my meth stash. What are signs that they may be under the influence? Yes? Really? How odd. And then what? WOAH – wait! How’d we get from totem pole to urethra rape?"

"It's too bad there are no flacks here to see this."

The 'purrers' here are Tlingit !

"Yes, dear. 'Tiny' seems to enjoy his new knitted sweater." - (This one counts since the first 'Sam L.' was not me. No, really !)

"...Yeah that's right. And get this. They call their act, 'The Aristocats.'"

"Hello, what is your return policy? It seems I misunderstood what the 'Indian Pussy Pole' was going to be. I was expecting something from South Asia."

Thank you for calling Peterbald, Korat, Birman, and Manx. How may I direct your call?

Thanks, fellas. That trick did take my mind off this crescent shape tumor hanging from my face for a minute.

"Sorry, boys - the Treasury Department says no cats allowed. They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill."

"Karl's Kitty Training and Taxidermy. Karl speaking."

"But a pussy like you could try Tetris Cat Stacking at; http://www.neatorama.com/2009/01/15/japanese-cat-tetris-iphone-game/."

"Totem? I barely know 'em!"

Yes, when are the next American Idol try-outs, please?

"Wait, two weeks ?! Now you tell me he 'disappeared from the Westminster' ?"

"I'm tellin' ya, these cats are HI-LARIOUS!"

"Wait, this feline crucifix reminds me of a joke. Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? Give up? They keep falling throught the holes in his hands. Hahahahahahaha."

Stanley's coprophagia always had an amusing effect on the pets.

"Why are all these pussies looking so unnatural? I guess that's Victoria's secret."

"... and when I got tired of that dog that threw its own stick, I swapped it for four cats.... do I like 'em? Not really. Cats suck. You can't train them to do anything... No, I haven't thought of getting a chimp before. Are they dangerous?"

"Sacrilegious Taxidermy, how may I help you?"

By god...they are combining! The feline revolution, it is upon us!

"Sorry, wrong number."

"Bill? Biff here--the hot glue gun works great, pal, just great!"

"Demonstrations are futile. Your martyred leader's severed head will remain in service as my endtable ashtray; but I am ordering us all pizza. It's Pizza Day!"

Why, yes, Mr. Delonas, I do have my service revolver handy.

No, Mr. Will, our data clearly indicated that one couldn't stack cats five high. I'll expect a retraction in your next column.

... and now they're about to reenact the tragic final 26 seconds of Continental flight 3407 into Buffalo ...

Barkeep, I'll have a double of whatever the invisible lady on the couch is drinking.

Hello? Al's Big and Tall Antimacassars? Can you recommend a way to get my seven-foot-tall roommate's hair oil stains out of the wallpaper below my abstract expressionist art?

"Hello, Humane Society? I have a very strange Viagra question for you..."

"Oh, hi... I had a FELINE you'd be calling."

"Hello, National Weather Service? Could you tell me the weather fourcats... I mean forecast..."

"Here,kitty kitty kitty kitty."

"You're bringing over hot dogs? You're in luck. I have some cats up."

"Animal control? Hi. I've got four cats, but five throw pillows. Why am I calling you? Want to buy a lamp? I'm so very lonely."

"My prostate is as big as a potato and I haven't taken a decent shit in weeks."

"Well I've got four hairy pussies right here doing some pretty cunning stunts!"

Hello Mrs. Herold, it's Lenny Silverman. Rehearsals for the Pet Easter Pageant start tonight and we're waiting for our Jesus. Is Travis on his way? .......What's that?..........Oh, you don't say.........."

"One thing about a flop cat act, they always land on their feet."

Third cat from the top? It's your mom. You're in biiiiiiig trouble.

'Costumed Dwarf Acrobats Sing Sondheim: The Road Company' is canceled. Sorry, boys!

"Hello...hello? Oh Great! Thanks to your nonstop circus antics, mice have overrun the apartment and eaten through the phone lines."

(speaking in Russian)
"There used to be a fifth, but he defected during a show in Instanbul."

"Second from the top, that's a not-bad Nixon impression. The rest, thanks for coming by, we'll call you, if and when."

"Even more remarkable is that their hour long enactment of the Stations of the Cross is interspersed with passable barbershop quartet renditions."

"Stan, call Doug and Mike, the time has come.

"Okay, now we're naked. Got it. That's so hot ... How big am I? Um ... um ... about as long as the span of a cat's outstretched forelimbs. (Thanks, guys.) Yeah, I'm big, all right ..."

"Yeah, it's an original, but I'm going through some buyer's remorse."

"I'm in your New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #182, Anti-Captioning your New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #182."

They grafted this ear off a basset hound.

"Duuuude, these LSD tabbies are some good shit."

"I'd guess about 25 pounds of usable meat, why do you ask?"

"The Goof of Cats in...no, no freaking dogs here, thank you ! The Goof of Cats in Piggyback ! F%#&*%& dogs !"

"I'll have to call you back, Ben. The cats are sending semaphore that the butterfly shrimp are burning."

"Mom, I have to go now. Mittens is threatening to commit suicide by jumping off of Cuddles and Lucky, and he's taking Tiger with him."

"I'm telling you, it's cats all the way down."

"They're so proud of having hung the picture, I don't have the heart to tell them it's a bit off center."

"You have the most amazing pussies I've ever seen. Yes, I'm looking at them right now. Mmmm, they look so good. When will you be home? I don't know if I can keep it up that long. ... No, I don't mean that, I mean keep up the cheap, obvious double-entendres."

"That is so nea. ..no, I mean some penmanship."

"It's a good thing there are no dogs here to see this."

"Hello...Four Cats Standing Totem-like In Your Living Room Hotline? I have a que...yes, I'll hold."

"Hello, Animal Control? The four cats are OK, but the fifth one is disguising himself as a table lamp..."

"Why yes, my right arm is

paralyzed, if you must know."

"Having fulfilled the final requirements, I would like to apply for membership in the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things."

"OK, they ate the drugged food. Now what's the next step in making more catskin pillows?"

"Things are kind of weird around here. The cats ate the baby, one of them is wearing her little striped sweater and I'm talking to you on a cell-basa."

That's right, detective. I'm about to destroy 36 lives, so I guess my sin is...gluttony. No, it's not as exciting as SE7EN, but they're fucking cats for god's sake!

(Think Don Diamond, the Brooklyn born actor who played Crazy Cat on TV's "F-Troop")

"Mmm, top cat on totem pole also horniest cat on totem pole. So this should surprise you? Mmm, go figure."

Hi, is Jim around? This is his friend, Sol. Sol.
-What is your name please?
Sol Rosenberg.
-Well, he's not here right now. May I take your message?
I'm calling, he told me I could join the little nudist camp over there.
-Pardon me?
The nudist camp. I want to join the nudist camp, for the beaches
-You Do?
-Well, I'm sorry.
Why? (pause) What's the problem?
-Who are you calling? Jim?
Yes, that's right.
-Well, is he the one who told you that, ahh, there's a nudist camp?
Yes, he told me I could join the nudist camp because in New York I was in a nudist camp up there and they always would abuse me and and throw me down and rub sand on my nipples and they used to hurt me. Bad. And tie me to the pier and let the fishes eat at me and whatnot.
-Well, what is your name?
Sol! Rosenberg.
Sol! (pause) I was calling because I don't want to be tied up to motorboats any more and dragged around like a fool. I want to join a gym and walk up and down the beach and and and step on pissclams.
-Well I don't get it.
Well he said they he would rub small little sandbaskets all over my ass if I wanted to walk up and down the beach with him. We could do that for each other.
-Oh. What is your number? How, pffft, can I call you back?
He said that he would be there to receive this call because we could go flying parasails and diving up and down
-Well I'm his mother and I'm surprised at that.
He told me that I would jump all over the place and do back flips in the sand.
Because down here he's...
-Who did?
Pardon? He said nobody would beat me up down here
-Oh, is that so?
Because up in New York what happened was they used to tie me down on the beach and rub sand all over my assneck and and beat me with like all little sharp things that they found on the beach and they would try to drown me and tie me to the piers for high tide. And I was very hurt with that.
-Well I'm his mother and I think it's an insulting deal and I'm I'm (stammering) and if I (stammering) I'll talk to him when he gets home. Just don't you worry about that!

It's bad enough that she lives alone with four cats, but I know I'm getting nowhere when they keep me from checking out her ass while she’s in the kitchen.

"Hello? I'm calling to confirm the time of tomorrow's open audition for the role in "Voltron"."

"Ah, Mossad hat endlich zu sonnig Argentinien für mich gekommen! Ich fürchte mich nicht, und ich habe nicht bedauert. Heil Hitler!"

[Sorry about the first one, didn't see there'd already been a Voltron joke.]

"Hello, Shubert Organization? I have got an idea that will knock your socks off!"

"I'm sorry sir, even though what you're telling me is the worst possible caption for this cartoon, calling me directly won't help you win."

Not right now, I'm up to my neck in pussy over here....

"No time to talk, I'm up to my eyebrows in pussy"

"For my next trick, I'm going to reach deep inside and pull my penis out through my right ear."

"Well, I agree Kiddy porn is a disgrace. But here we do KITTY Porn...No problem Ms. Litella, I knew you'd understand."

Nice try but you're still going into Mr. Wok's chop suey because he, like all Chinese people, has low standards for what meat he considers edible.

“Hello? Yes, it’s me, chairman Mao. I think I’ve found a solution to our space program’s funding shortfall.”

“the cats are doing acrobatics again!”

“….and for the money shot lets have four pussies stacked on top of each other”

"No, I'm not interested in receiving cable. I don't have a television."

"You know that coat tree you found for me on eBay, Ken? Forget about it."

"Totem PWNED"

"Hello, is this the vet's office? I'm calling to report experiencing an erection lasting longer than four hours."

"Excellent! Tommorrow we'll get out the waterskis."

"It's the weirdest thing. We were all just sitting around waiting for the results of The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #181, when BAM! the cats just started stackin' !"

"Hello, Wasington Nationals? I understand you lost 102 games last year. Would you be interested in a defensive move I have in mind?"

In Soviet Union, you erect pussies.

"Did you do everything I told you to?"


"Did you tie up your wife?"

"Yes - and I tied up my kids."


"I turned out the lights."


"I wrote `Victoria Roberts' on the floor."


"I stacked the cats."


"I raped the dog."



"Victoria Roberts is an idiot...have you seen any of her work?

"When my cats told me that they were from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I had no idea they were part of some freakin' GIGLIO CREW!"

No soap, radio.

I repeat; no soap, radio.

What is the frequency Kenneth?

Hello Rangoon!

Have you ever been phoned from Upton, Mass. for being a lucky wise guy?

"Hey! Keep your lovin' brothers happy while I'm on the phone."

"You were right, they do the most amazing things to get your attention when you don't feed them for a week."

You know that cat totem you picked up for me in Vancouver last week? It's alive.

"Good afternoon...I'm calling to order more cats and more bowling balls."

"Well, I was going to get some of those Obama Portugese Water Dogs, but, I understand, they don't stack so good."

"No, I'm not interested in subscribing to the New Yorker." (click.)

"I'll pick up my food order in half and hour- by the way, I'll be wearing a trenchcoat and have the head of a cat."

"Hello, poison control? I think I may have drunk furniture polish instead of whiskey by mistake."

"CATS WIN !!...Er , well, just a little Vertical Contest that went on, honey."

"No, I'm not interested in subscribing to the New Yorker." (click.)

"I'll pick up my food order in half and hour- by the way, I'll be wearing a trenchcoat and have the head of a cat."

"Hello, poison control? I think I may have drunk furniture polish instead of whiskey by mistake."

"Letting them watch that cat on YouTube spinning by a ceiling fan wasn't a good idea."

"Radosh? Finally. Listen, I've been on hold since Monday. My cats and I are wondering what we have to do to get you to select a winner from last...What?...Sure I'll hold a little longer...but can you play something besides the Clique Girlz?"

"I love house cat circus acrobatics. I am forever grateful to those who built the first ever house cat circus acrobatics training center. Whoa!...I just experienced deja vu!"
(Props to J.D.)

"Hello, Orkin Man? I seem to have a feral cat problem."

"Well, I'm the fucking NFL commissioner, and if my cats rule the pass incomplete, it's god damned incomplete!"

"Hello, Tarbell Realty? You sold me my house. Thanks for forgetting to mention it was built on top a pet cemetery."

"Hey Bruce, remember how you said that gerbils aren't big enough for you any more? Well I think I've come up with a solution..."

"We could use some 'calicos' over there."

"Oh, and more mousetraps, the gluey ones."

"How do I connect them all together so that when I plug in the bottom one they all light up?"

"It's a fact Jack, the pussy here is stacked!"

"Listen up, Radosh, I'm gonna keep stacking the cats until you stop judging contests early and you don't wanna see what happens if they reach the ceiling fan..."

Right on the fucking baby crib! What are the chances, huh? Good thing my husband works in insurance.

That kid was yours, by the way.

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2