February 16, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #181

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


First place
"Aw crapolis!" —Zorba

Second place
"This is simply unacceptable. I suggest we offer the workers greater training and oversight. If that doesn't work, reassess the amount of rest and sustenance you're providing them. After two weeks of that, if there's still no improvement, force them to watch while we murder their wives." —Trout Almondine

Third place
"I designed a forum and these fuckers are building a stonehenge" — Richard H

Honorable mention
"What's the matter with it?! I mean where do I fucking start?! There's no stylobate! There's not one cunt hair of entasis in the columns! I mean it's a complete and utter clusterfuck! Where did you find these guys?? In the Neolithic Era!!" —DAG

"Hey Robin Hood, check out this fucking sweet blacklight poster." — t.a.m.s.y.

"I am haunted by the facades of my victims." — JohnnyB

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I designed a forum and these fuckers are building a stonehenge"

"This is fucked up."

"Last time I hire my brother-in-law the contractor."

"I wish I had a larger, flat surface to roll out these plans on."

"Wait...I think these plans are wrong."

As long as the power lines are down, we'll never get this shit right.

"You still think the $787 billion would be best spent fixing existing infrastructure instead of unnecessary new projects?"

"What's the difference between 'work' and a a 'job'? Ask Stephanopoulos, I'm building and Acropolis."

sans typos:

"What's the difference between 'work' and a 'job'? Ask Stephanopoulos, I'm building an Acropolis."

"So, eminent domain allows us to tear down this ugly old house and replace it with a brand spankin’ new highway overpass.”

"You were right. Wearing a skirt made it a whole lot easier to get that construction loan."

"You can have your fucking Parthenon. How often does one get to witness the rolling stones?"

"By the way, I slept with your wife."

"It was supposed to be Caesars Palace, the ritziest joint on The Strip. One Bob Stupak phone call later, and we get this shit."

"They didn't follow the plan again. Standard procedure: you and I hide behind a stone pillar. Then, when all the workers are in front of it, we push it over, and crush them. And don't yell out `Jenga!' this time."

"What's the matter with it?! I mean where do I fucking start?! There's no stylobate! There's not one cunt hair of entasis in the columns! I mean it's a complete and utter clusterfuck! Where did you find these guys?? In the Neolithic Era!!"

Plan B, I'm banking on insurance claims.

A shame are loan didn't go through.

A shame, our loan didn't go through.

“It was a beauty all right, but the new design makes it harder for planes to fly into it.”

Things were much easier when classical physics were in play.

You're the one that claimed LSD would enhance productivity!

Bitch left me!

Once we use our superior Renaissance knowledge of ancient Greek architecture to convince these stone age natives to worship us as gods, we can deal with the dinosaurs and the Sleestacks.

Turns out the land was so cheap because we're building on f***ing sand!

Sure it was magnificent, before Gehry got involved!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... who would've known they'd find out about Blagojevich?

[Shrug]...That's what happens when you put a Democrat in the White House.

Last time I hired laid-off white collar workers!

Last time I hire laid-off white collar workers.

"We had to cut costs, so we hired retarded workers from Olympia - though they prefer to be called 'Special Olympians.'"

Maybe Rome wasn't built in a day, but will be done with this motherf***** by lunch-time.

Maybe Rome wasn't built in a day but we'll be done with this mother f***** by lunchtime.

I bought the plans at TJ Maxx--same place I got these shorts. Why?

Who' brilliant idea was it to build an "Ice Castle" in Carthage for Jupiter's sake!

"Aw crapolis!"

No wonder they're hanging the last architect on the site.

Those pine coffins really buckle in this humidity, don't they?

"I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf."

You try telling our 10 year-old emperor that he can't be build a forum out of gelato.

We'll have some christian slaves come down and fix this shit later.

I'm suing D.I.Y.

"You go adornments with the quarry you have."

What, share these plans with those fools?

Maybe things'll look better when we're not stoned out of our minds.

To whit... I said let's get "high", not let's get "stoned" [to death as in ancient times].

10,000 aureans for art school and this is the shit you draw! Looks nothing like this Druid place of worship we just conquered. Now what am I going to send back to Rome. I'll never get a Triumph.

The execution is a little post-classical for my tastes.

This was a sketch taken before the earthquake...

"In the corner, Sixtus ! Duh ! It's a good thing we had blacks there to lead thus !"

Should I take this to mean that Zeus found out about your and Hera's "discrete", little fling?

And you're just getting to sharing your revisions with me NOW!

"The hurrahs here are obscene."

"It's like rain on your wedding day. It's a free ride when you've already paid. It's the good advice that you just didn't take. It's like using slave labor to build the Lincoln Memorial. And who would've thought? It figures."

"It's Greek to me."

"What the hell's this...'One from column A, two from column B'?"

"Quo vadimus in erratum ?"

"I am haunted by the facades of my victims."

"I ask for 'master building' and you give me 'Beware of Celts daring lifts' ?!"

"Hi, I'm from the distant future. You pre-historic Britons may be on the cutting edge of stone construction now, but check out this Parthenon that the Greeks will build in 2000 years! But there's a twist: In 4000 years a lot of the Parthenon will end up at a museum about 90 miles from here. Now that I've blown your mind I shall return to my own time. [He disappears]"

"I'll tell you how we spin it with the client. Tell Dubya every ex-President gets the library he deserves."

"Hey Robin Hood, check out this fucking sweet blacklight poster."

"This is not a very reassuring start."

"When in Rome, heave as the Romans do; whenever elsewhere, heave as they do there."

"These non-union troglodyte types seem pretty relaxed about working to spec."

“Ok, which one of us tells them they’re building it upside down?”

'This documentary on the making of the Forum is rapidly turning into a mock-umentary!"

"When they finish we'll tear up this blueprint and draw a new one based on whatever they build. The Emperor will not see the deception. 'Heckuva job' he'll say."

"My knee length elastic socks give more support than these tottering columns!"

"You can lead a Norse to sort 'em, but you can't make him link."

"The bowers here are Aegean."

I can't wait to make a motivational poster of this unrelated drawing on mobuck.com and then hang it up on my crudely built slanted office wall.

Whoops, sans spam:

I can't wait to hang this unrelated drawing up on my slanted office wall.

"Who's constructing this, Bill Dung? Get it? Building? Bill Ding? Bill Dung? Hey, you're great. I'm here every Thursday. Try the veal, it's delicious."

"Yes, everything appears to be in order. The Greeks will begin construction as soon as they receive these blueprints, so please express them via DSL."

-This is the Last time I believe in a brochure.
- I Hope they weren't lying about the swimming pool.

"After we finish fucking this up, let's get to work on colonization."

"Sure, son, you're a regular Bob Ross. Now please go away, I'm trying to build Stonehenge."

" 'Wogs start at Salisbury'. Who knew ?!"

"Underground power lines? NOW you're telling me?"

"This is what happens when you don't put up the 'No Celts Need Apply' sign."

"No matter what I do I'll never be as good as my brother the serial rapist."

"Whatsamadda you face?"

"I like Twinkies and Ice Cream Sandwiches as much as the next guy but this is ridiculous!"... "Yeah, well I hear this is going to be a tribute to Michael Phelps."

"Would you stop peering over my shoulder? I hate it when people do that..."

"This is simply unacceptable. I suggest we offer the workers greater training and oversight. If that doesn't work, reassess the amount of rest and sustenance you're providing them. After two weeks of that, if there's still no improvement, force them to watch while we murder their wives."

"More like Parthe-NOT! Oh, SNAP!"

"I understand your skepticism, but you wanted a building that will last the ages. I promise you, it will look exactly like this after a century of erosion."

"That's not the worst part. The contractor who delivered the Lincoln statue gave him payis."

"Yeah, I guess at this rate it'll turn out tp be more of an 'againstum.' Heh heh."

"Here's the original auction photo. And look at what I ended up with. Et tu, eBay?"

"It's been DONE ALREADY..."

"...I mean, what kind of blueprints are these anyways? You can only see one angle!"

"Who gives a shit!?"

"Heckuva job,Brownie!"

"The 'worsts' here are Augean, by Jove !"

"No, this definitely isn't it. Let's move on."

But the guys at IKEA said that the "Stenkarna" was easy to assemble...

"Stop your kvetching, Phidias, it's bound to future classic."

"Stop your kvetching, Phidias, it's bound to be a future classic."

"I hate Druids more than blacks."

"Nice hoodie."

"I hate the Druids more than I hate the blacks, who would have never made it into this New Yorker cartoon."

"How can a house of worship built by virtual slave labor possibly fulfill its purpose: to bring a congregation closer to divine grace?"

"Let me guess - they're from Habitat for Humanity?"

"Try as we might, we cannot achieve the craftsmenship the Greeks manage with ease. I guess that's because they are all homosexual."

Stone Temple Pilots Back In Simulator for New Session

I'm having erectile dysfunction..."

"I knew I should've stuck to being a NEWSPAPER columnist.

"Pre-Apocalypse, this was 14th Street and that was Balducci's."

Where the hell did the telephone pole come fr... oh, geez. It seems I've soiled myself.

"Sure I'm the one who pushed for slave labor to cut costs, but I didn't say that we should use retarded slaves."

"Fuckin' dumbass picture! [whacks the corner] You think you're so fucking smart, just sitting there, mocking me. I KNOW it doesn't look anything you, OK, I KNOW already!"

"Aw, shit, Fred, remember how I was kind of scrunching up the plans when I showed them what to build? I should have laid it flat, like this. Too late now, though."

"I ask you again, Cacopus, where in these plans does it say we have to dress like cheerleaders?"

"Hey, Blueprints, how's it going? How's ya mudda?""

"Well, I'll be danged! I had the durn plans upside down!"

"Well... we can always redraw the plans to match what we built!?!"

"Socrates?! I always pronounced his name,' So-Crates'"

"I'm telling you, this gift shop next to the crucifixion site will be a gold mine."

"I've found the key to getting the Jewish slaves to work quickly with no coercion- have them build banks!"

"Let's check the security photo of this demolition jobsite and find out which idiot crane operator dropped the lintel on my head."

"No problem. We just make the fuckroom in the back a fuckroom in the front."

"I know there's something wrong here, but I can't concentrate right now because I seem to be standing on the word 'Harris.'"

"Quit smelling my hair, faggot."

"I see what you mean."

"I'm just glad there are no black people here to see this."

"I'd make a joke about the collapse of the housing market, but it's not like I have a fucking crystal ball here or anything."

"He's got Italian granite countertops? My whole fucking house is Italian granite!"

"Funny, our foreman, Pedophilius, was supposed to be overseeing this, but he and your son disappeared at least an hour ago."

"Clan's schist should exceed its rasp or what is heathen for ?"

"These plans are crap for making a building. Send this over to Treasury and they can put it on the back of pennies."

"I'm gettin' too old for this shit."

"When the aliens built the Parthenon they made it look way easy."

"We are clearly renaissance men, so please tell me, Why the fuck are we building ancient Greek? What next? Wear a toga and sodomize young boys?"

How clever! Waste water from the emperor's suite flows directly into water supply for the mother-in-law's quarters!

"I suppose you imagine your capricious rendering of my meticulous drawing is justified by prancing around in a fancy cape?"

-Fortune between the two rival city-states was intermittent during the Peloponnesian Wars. In the sketch above only recently excavated at an ancient site, we see how, during a period of Attic ascendancy, a contingent of captive Spartan helots under the close supervision of its Athenian overlords, was yet able to thwart the purposes of those who would enslave them. -

"Your victory on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' was impressive. So impressive, in fact, that I put you in charge of this major building project, a field in which you have absolutely no experience. This is a disgrace. You're fired."

Hey! Those little naked midgets are taking apart that building!

Oh it's easy! Just squint your eyes, move your arm in a chopping motion like this, and say "Heh-ro, pressure to meet you!" and-- Boom-- you're a Chinese fighting robot!

This heinous error shall go down in prehistory!!!

"The Norse are full of fatuous intensity. The rest wrack all erection."

When you said we could hire the little people I thought you meant like magical beings, the good neighbors, the fair folks, y'know?

Yeah, we'll get back to building just as soon as we hang that asshole who fucked my wife.

"Εμείς πρέπει να πάμε πιο σκλάβοι."

Even though I project square-I get around.

Circle gets the square.

This is circumspect.

They just don't get "modern rectilinear."

If they build it, I will come!

Freemasons! You get what you pay for!

It's all Greek to me!

That's not how I Druid!

(muffled)"Oil can!"

That's not to Hammurabi Code.

We look Renaissance. The picture is Doric. The building is Megalithic. We're on "Lost" right?

The lack of execution stops right now!

Jesus fucking Christ

Lord Elgin, they've lost their marbles!

They have a pediment impediment.

Holy cryogenics Robin! Mr. Frieze has done an evil deed!

That was me. Sorry.

Architecture is the triumph of human imagination over materials, methods, and men, to put man into possession of his own earth, but this is somehow better.

We've got to get this place finished! The Oracle predicts fantastic musicians will be in Athens future. REM, B52s!!!

I'm a columnist- I'm opinionated!

"Our descendants will be restaurateurs."

I shall capture my quarry.

Robbie-I think my best laid plans are goin agley!

They never get your order right at these Chariot Roll Through Windows.

"Parthenon..Pantheon...Hell, even I make that mistake. But Parthenon...STONEHENGE??! What are they, fucking retarded?"

I'll hit em with the final punch list.

It's going to be in Arkitectural Digest!

Greece is the word! Travoltus

They put Jimmy Hoffalos under the first stone.

If one of the slaves gets crushed by the stones, we'll make lintel soup!

I'm depressed. Get me some monolithium.

We're wearing skirts and having erection problems.

I told the priests to issue a change order and go down rev.

We're about to come Unhenged!

Your body is my temple, Smartacass.

This is a classic rock station.

They're moving everything around for Daylight Savings.

I didn't order Salisbury plain!

You're going to be working under me from now on!

We need more copies, Xeroxes!

You Don't Always Get What You Want-Stones

A funny thing happened on the way to the Parthenon.

What do you expect hiring Stoners!

Looks like we'll be doing a teardown.

This Historic Preservation crap has got to go!

If you're admiring my finely chiseled features, I have a goatskin condom.


When I was small, I had a limestone erector set...

If you want something done right, you must do it yourself, Master Batus!

If you're admiring my gravelly voice, I'll let you fraternize with my Greek associates.

They've got their rocks off.

"Really? It's doesn't match these plans? Where?"

So they laughed at my rendering! I'll cook the slaves and make candles from their tallow!


"Rainy - Weedy -- Weenie !"

"Yes, yes, I understand, 'flea market', ' just like a mini-mall', but how will...no, not that damn song again."

"Thousands of years from now your draft will be the most accurate use of perspective in a New Yorker cartoon ever."

"Well, it's always really been about keeping the jews busy."

"Pretty, pretty picture. Now I'll look at the building. What the...! I gotta sit down. I can't... there's no chair. Now that would be funny!"

"I told you we should have used Italians."

Why pay an architect when a thousand years from now tourists will pay to see any near random array of giant rocks.

"The study of history, my friend, proves that a civilization of advanced technique and accomplishment may re-emerge again after an era of bestial ignorance, blunder, and darkness. By the same token, the diligence, the undeniable robustness and enthusiasm of this native stock here in America must sooner or later restore to its shores...."

"Yes, yes, melikes thy Thought, Horatio ! Have done with barbarous Incursion and...and Harrisments, already ! Enough, I say !"

I told you dressing in drag wasn't going to help anything.

No, the the f*#ing ikea manual doesn't have a section in ancient Latin!

"Look, I think I've found the problem: 'Architect: Art Vandelay' "

"Why do we use ropes to anchor the blocks until they're set? The squashed-flat area on the top of my head doesn't give you a clue?"

"To make a long story short, I fell behind in my mortgage payments, and then one day the bank sent over these repo men."

"I'm glad to hear that. To be honest, a lot of people just kind of tune out when I start talking about my collection of miniature tableaux."

"Just one thing after another - it's starting to feel like this project will never be done. Last time I use Xeno Construction, that's for sure."

"Man, this a time, the Mard. ..wait, check this out, freakin' float design here ?! Whoa ! The New Orleans Mardi Gras ! Ain't this the day ?!"

It looked ok in AutoCAD.

He looked longingly at the recessed cavities, the long hard columns, and couldn't wait to fill those Spartan interiors.

If you look behind us you'll see the Palace at Versaiiles and through it's windows, the Empire State building. Heraclitean flux baby!

No matter how much we would like to skirt the issue, there is a drafting problem. Tis an ill wind which blows no man good.

Ionic -not Ironic!

Is that Corinthian leather underwear your wearing Montalbanus? Let's visit the back seat of the Cordovan chariot!

The Delorean will be here shortly, McFly!

"We can put a man on the moon, but we... wait."

"I'm quite aware that socks won't be invented for thousands of years, but your cape isn't exactly kosher either."

It takes a true student of Prochronistic architecture to appreciate the work of the anarcho-syndicalist commune, E. John Cleeseastes!

Derrick, Who set up that crane? The wet sprocket is insufficiently toaded for the load angle!

"If we build too many glory hole stalls we'll have to hire extra mop-up guys."

The technology here is rampant. I hope you understand the gravity of the situation. You'll be my serving winch!

"Doofus ! Of course an actual living structure will seem smaller and more negligible to you from up here on top this cliff, at the height of some 30 cubits, and a distance of some 200 cubits, than an preliminary 'elevation', rendered as it was at the ground level at a distance of no more than 150 cubits, has no doubt led you to conceive !"

Tell the man on the Elmer Gantry crane to bring in the sheaves.

Someday someone will invent the Electric Slide and these buildings will go up much more quickly!

Δεν καταλαβαίνω ποτέ τα κινούμενα σχέδια της Νέας Υόρκης.

Alas Poor Doric!

It's a battle between the Archaic and the arcane.

Πού είναι το Κοννέκτικατ Αμερικανός;

La giunzione di congiunzione, che cosa è la vostra funzione?

Capitol idea! Call me on your cellular homophone.

I don't know. How many Druids does it take to screw in an oil lamp?

Ten slaves walk into a club...

After they finish this, it's off to Boston for the Big Dig project.

Capt. Kirk-We stole that telegraph pole from the 1800s, some Druidic slaves from 5 BC,
Rocks from the Salisbury Plain, now let's build us a
House of Bluesprint!

It's the Chariot Mustang Ranch-too many cocks spoil the brothel.

All we need is some 3D glasses left over from half time at the Colloseum and it will look right.

These Visigoth slaves do not share our Gothic vision.

"OK, I'll grant that it was hilarious when that guy got crushed, but as a whole, this large scale Jenga is a lot more trouble than it's worth."

"No, it is only that the new, pure, crystalline atmosphere which we enjoy now in partial compensation for the unexpected, long-lasting downturn of our worldwide economy makes it seem to you as though yonder construction site, with its 'midget' workmen as you call them, are near at hand, whereas in point of fact we behold them there at a middle distance of no less than 150 meters. No less, I say ! No, no, my friend, take it from me, not one of the men and women- yes, women, too - you see down there is any less powerful and muscle-bound than our, what, Alexey Rodrigd of old time, hunh ? Berry Bond, hunh ?...So let's show a little more respectfulness, O.K. ?... Alright ?"

"There's a reason why people are limited to five entries total. You aren't fooling anyone with the names. Do your five and then give it a rest."

"The OSHA rules here are obsene."

"That's nice, but my schoolhouse rocks!"

This is gonna make one dope looking Post Office

"Who drew this neo-classical disaster??"

"This construction crew has me sweating to the point that my underwear is hiking up my skirt."

You're just jealous.

Christ, what a group of assholes.

I could have ended it all with a Twinkie

"I'd ask the foreman what went wrong, but he's over there hanging himself."

"Of course the Olympic stadium will be completed on time....why do you ask?"

"Hmm...apparently gigantic sticks of butter aren't as effective a building material as we hoped..."

"Whew! What did you eat for dinner? Did a rat crawl up you and die? If you're sick, go to the hospital."

"The problem is that the measurements are in feet, and every worker here has different sized feet. Thaddeus, get me a machete."

"I gotta take a wicked Pisa"

After a bunch of hairy feminists pulled a multi-million dollar civil suit over some catcalling, the Union wanted to change the construction worker stereotype so now they make us wear these new Elizabethan uniforms.

"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this. . . . They're all down there."

"No, I am not bored by your vacation snaps, and yes, you picked a good one to enlarge, but I'm kind of busy here."

You broke her face, nearly in half!

"I shoulda asked Dad for that erector set, way back when. Mom just slapped me and sent me to bed without dinner."

"'Εμείς πρέπει να πάμε πιο σκλάβοι'? Huh? I think you've been out in the sun too long."

"Y'know, someday there will be laws against this kind of substandard construction. . . . I tell ya, these ARE the good old days!"

"This IS a nice painting! We'll hang it on the wall if they build one."

"Guy walks into a tailor shop and asks, 'Eumenides?' Tailor replies, 'Why, Euripides?'"

"Damn! I knew I shoulda learned how to read."

"So after donning our Renaissance Italian disguises, we step into the time machine -- and end up on Salisbury Plain, Britain, during the Stone Age! Obviously this is the work of that wily crosstime trickster, S. Harris. He left his usual calling card -- a picture of the Acropolis -- then scrawled his name in the dirt and left. He's taunting us."

And this is the Starbuck's we'll build right across the street.

"Good luck, Joshua, but you can blow that trumpet all day and nothin' ever comes tumblin' down."

"Well, we'll just call it 'Acropo-Henge' Estates"

P S 29 had to be redesigned after the stimulus compromise. Do you like it?

My codpiece is bigger than your codpiece, Bitch, so I say it's fine as is!

How the fuck do you think I'm doin' today, Frank? I'm standing here in a pool of my own urine, presiding over the biggest disaster in the history of ancient architecture, dressed like Danny Fucking Kaye. Fuck you, Frank...

'Switch the Carrara marble for lo-fat Mozzerella,' you said, 'Who's gonna notice?' you said. Christ!

We're 450 years away from the industrial revolution, Gianni, so stop blaming this on your online BFA.

Frank Gehry should keep his goddam influence in his own goddam century, is all I'm saying.

Play-Doh with re-bar is a no-go, make a note.

The site foreman keeps ferrets in his pantaloons, which explains much.

Where's the parking?

"Tell him you get the presidential library you have, not the presidential library you want."

Alabaster? Damn right he is!

Fucking druids!

"Worse case of E.D. I've ever seen."

"Nice going Fran Lloyd WRONG! No wonder you were released by Vanderleigh Industries."

"Nice going Frank Lloyd WRONG! No wonder you were released by Vanderleigh Industries."


"This is popping...now let me show you locking."

"This is like the 'Titanic' of Parthenons. Fucking Halliburton."

"Fucking Halliburton."

"When I said, 'Build a bad Parthenon,' I meant 'bad' as in 'good!'"

"I surely do think they're doing a terrible job...and don't call me Shirley."

"It was a last minute change. The Oscar people didn't want the losers in flyover country to think we're out of touch with their petty little problems."

"Sure, they can bring me a digital photograph but they can't build a goddamn Ionic column!"

"In the future, those who love house cat circus acrobatics will be forever grateful to us for building this first ever in history house cat circus acrobatics training center."

I'd say we have a pretty strong entry for this week's anti-architecture contest. But you never know what the judges are going to go for -- or when they'll get around to deciding.

Look at this. Obama made a surprise visit to the Apollo and the mulattoes went crazy. What's a mulatto? I don't know. I think it's a decadent yet light ice cream native to northern Italy. What's native? My wife's taco after a month without a bikini wax. (pause) What's that stain on the corner here? Has someone been jerking off on the blueprints?

I like to make words with my man-sandals. Today I wrote S (period)Harris. It's Latin for man-in-dress-with-no-panties-underneath. Wanna take an uspkirt shot with your stonephone?

Diocles took an upskirt shot and printed this out.I think the lost city of Atlantis is inside my vag.

It's the new Citibank headquarters

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2