RRbanner.jpg

June 15, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #197

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.

090622_contest_p465.jpg

First place
"I'm gellin' alright. And by gellin' I mean dropping napalm on noncombatants." —therblig

Second place
"What a strange plane. It lacks a propulsion system."—mypalmike

Third place
"Yeah, they're last year's, but you know how long the procurement process takes." — J. Warner

Honorable mention
Pilot: "Whew, what a mission that was! Tell me, Johnson - have you ever shot a Sidewinder missile right into the fat face of a North Korean child who was laughing at the shoes on your plane?"

Johnson: **stunned silence**

Pilot: "Um...`cause...I sure haven't..." —Damon

"War is heel. Goddammit, three years with a speech therapist and I still can't shake this Eastern European accent! Anyway, try not to get keeled." —t.a.m.s.y.

"There's nothin' like coming into a neatly trimmed landing strip. But enough about the Palin kid- oops, looks like it's apology time." —LV

"Christ, what an Airsole" —JohnnyB

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

This really motivates the thruster.

"HIGH-HEEL TO THE DANGER ZONE!"

"What do you get when you take the `w' out of 'wheels'? Seriously - tell me. I never learned how to read."

"Yes - it was in `Top Gun'. This is the only plane Kelly McGillis was willing to go down on."

What was I thinking? I was thinking what would accessorize nicely with the new tailhook?

"This wheeled ladder does not appear to be safe."

"'I'd like something in a pump' means 'I need gas', you idiot."

"Why do you have a flag on your penis?"

"C'mon -- don't ask, don't tell."

"If you don't ask, I won't tell."

"Ask and I'll tell."

"It's all part of Obama's plan to feminize the military."

"Yeah, they're last year's, but you know how long the procurement process takes."

"I re-calibrated the stabilator, sir."

"Good."

"Speed brakes are 100%"

"Good - weapons?"

"All ready."

"Good. Did you lubricate the landing gears?"

"........"

"Ugh. You sick fuck."

I don't care how long it is; you shouldn't tie a flag to it.

"This high-heeled landing gear is like three seasons out of style. It's been bugging me for months. I've been afraid to complain too loudly about it until now, but now that I'm trained as an Arabic interpreter I'm sure they wouldn't discharge me under 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.'"

"Today, my Air Force buddies replaced my landing gear with giant high-heeled shoes as a prank. Unfortunately I didn't notice, and, having no wheels, I ended up crash-landing on the deck of an aircraft carrier. FML"

"Hey, say something really graphic about gay sex. Radosh loves that shit."

Pilot: "Whew, what a mission that was! Tell me, Johnson - have you ever shot a Sidewinder missile right into the fat face of a North Korean child who was laughing at the shoes on your plane?"

Johnson: **stunned silence**

Pilot: "Um...`cause...I sure haven't..."

"I'm fairly certain I will die when trying to land this incredibly poorly designed plane, so... goodbye."

"What a strange plane. It lacks a propulsion system."

"Air Jordans would have been funnier."

This probably violates a copyright,but:
"Christ, what an asshole."

"Hey, this plane is wearing the same shoes as your wife was when I banged her. In the butt. While your mom watched. I'm sure glad you can't hear a word I'm saying with that noise-blocking headset on."

"Tyra's F-16, Tyra's flight plan. Dunno what a `Janice Dickinson' is, but it's about to shit its pants."

"They make the plane look taller."

"You bet ! 'Shows 'em her heels' big time, soldier ! Big time !.....Call her 'The Memphis Heels', by the way."

I think I meant, "Christ, what an Airsole"

" 'Fast' ? And how !!"

"Old 'MEG 17'. Freakin' slope flew 'er in from Korea."

"This is nothin'—I've got an F-177 Nighthawk with fuck me boots."

"Say ! Them some grab-ass hooks, 'right stuff' ! Yes siree, they sure enough, pure D - pure Dd ! - grab-ass hooks, my man !....Boy !"

When we lost government funding, we had to turn her out just to pay the bills.

Tell the ground crew there's a giant tampon in the cockpit!

It adds a level of interest to aerial re-fueling, especially when the tanker crew puts a "cock ring" on the boom.

Great Scott! I've flown through a rip in the space/time continuum, to an alternate universe where Hillary Clinton has apparently become president!

I know they're not funny and seemingly calibrated for a Hillary Clinton CinC-dom, but you should have seen the version I drew with watermelons for landing wheels.

Lockheed mis-heard Murtha: he asked for a new fighter plane to sell to the Israeli Air Force, they heard "new fighter plane for the Choos."

Enzo Angiolini, you crazy bastard!

"It's a bitch to land but once you do, it looks great on any runway."

"Well I guess we can't call it the cockpit anymore."

Thanks for painting over that big McCain-Palin '08 banner on the side.

I call it my "menstrual cycle"! Get it? Ha ha ha ha h-- wait.

"Is it just me, or is this plane kinda gay?"

It's a thongbird.

"'Loops' ?...Ah, nothing to th.. What ? Oh ! 'Out the loop' ! Yeah, a bit - new 'glide record' and ever'thing ! ...Say, how 'd Gay do up at 'the St. Jude' ?"

I call it "The Spirit of St. Laurent"

I'm gellin' alright. And by gellin' I mean dropping napalm on noncombatants.


I love the smell of odor-eaters in the morning. Smells like...victory.

"Name o' Memphis Heels, purt thang !"

"The USSRs here are unseen !"

"And speaking of third legs, have you seen my larger-than-average penis?"

"Her legs are fine, but her pussy stank."

"Oh, great. The Marines already think we're fags as it is."

"...and for stealth missions, we put on the bunny slippers."

"Sir? This is the women's plane. The men's plane has Heineken bottles. Didn't you hear the men screaming over it?"

"Smells like used tampons up here."

It was damn nice of Ms. Evrolet to make this sacrifice for the war effort.

"Please, call me anti-captain."

"What's with the flag on your penis?"

"Once you get her heels in the air, she handles great... like your wife."

Hey Bob.
Catch any more butterflies with your penis?

Dammit Joe, wipe that thing off - it's not semenphore.

"Fuck this, I'm leaving.
[click clack click clack click clack click clack]"

"Insert misogynist joke here."

"Oh shit! Michelle Obama is a Transformer!"

I second

"Why do you have a flag on your penis?"

"Can you imagine when some uptight homophobe muslim gets clusterfucked from a plane with high heels. Talk about the Great Satan!"

"Did you just say 'Mission Accomplished' with a lisp? Because if you did, I would understand. Somehow."

"So Jenkins, the 'Mistress of the Sky' flies again. I guess we know who can thank for that, though we're bound not to disclose it."

"What are you waiting for. Crawl over here and kiss her heels bitch."

"Quinn, would you mind sashaying back to the hangar and getting me a roomier codpiece?"

"Fuck me, shoes?"

"Fuselage, you crazy....stop me if you know where this is going."

"I told you I felt the need for speed. How fast do you expect me to go in heels like these?"

"Good thing there are no Arabs here to see this."

Well, of course it's sabotage.

Of course I fucked it. I'm a leg man.

"These are gonna be the highest motherfucking heels the world has ever seen!"

"I'll just be climbing into the cuntpit now."

(Just taking Dave's entry about not calling it a cockpit to its natural conclusion.)

"Would you mind rolling forward a piece before rev-up, cap ? Don't wanna hot-up them last miserly sprigs of vegetation on base if you can he'p it."

The stealth model comes with a burqa.

Goddamnit, Rob made the better Fusilli joke.

Funny, it doesn't look Jewish

"Between you and me, Tommy Franks for Jimmy Choo was a dumb trade."

"It's a good thing there are no 'specs people' here to see this."

"Smile when you call me that, mister !"

or "When you call me that, smile !"

"Don't take them off. The toe fungus is really disgusting."

"In the unlikely event of a water landing, call Imelda Marcos."

"bzzz bzzz bzzz!"

"Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads. Or for that matter, shoes. However we'll probably need wheels if we're going to get this thing in the air. You know, hey, let's just call a cab."

"War is heel. Goddammit, three years with a speech therapist and I still can't shake this Eastern European accent! Anyway, try not to get keeled."

"That wedding party you accidentally bombed was sooooo not gellin'."

"Ohmygawd, you have got to tell me where you got those shoes. Literally, I order you to tell me. You're being court-martialled on 16 counts of aircraft vandalism."

"I think I've been away from my wife too long. Everything I see reminds me of a woman. Also I keep raping female officers."

"That was a tough mission. I could really go for a 'Malibu Bay Breeze' and a pack of Virginia Slims."

When I get back, how about a prostate massage?

I hate this fucking contest. And this is a stupid fucking cartoon.

Someone at Boeing goofed - a "tranny" plane refers to transverse wings.

"Hey, when does a Jewish man stop masturbating? When he gets a divorce. That's an old joke, but people still laugh at it, see, because Jewish women are known to be hard to live with, I dunno, demanding or something, and all about denying their husband access to their vagina, something like that. I know, weird, huh?"

In stealth mode, they turn into Hush Puppies.

We tried Birkenstocks, but the damn planes refused to drop bombs.

"They'll look great when I do a cunning stunt."

"There's nothin' like coming into a neatly trimmed landing strip. But enough about the Palin kid- oops, looks like it's apology time."

Hey Man, you better get your head out of that hole in the nose-cone because I'm about to fly this bitch. Oh my gosh, there's a hole in the nose-cone. that was a close call. Scary close.

“My hours in this prick tease are obscene.”

Repaint the U.S.S Nimitz pink, replace her tarmac with silver shag carpeting. Over and out.

"Because I'm wearing the fish net stokings, Miss Nosey Nancy."

"Today's mission: buzz the Blue Angels and see who stands up to salute, as it were."

"My last jet fighter had tentacles: this is much better."

Stiletto weaponry installed!

Be heeled!

In addition to the shoes, it has no rudder so it can change direction capriciously. You know...like a woman.

"Fortunately Evrolet woman is asleep now so we can sneak up and trim her nipple hairs."

"The horse* here is unseen." *horsepower - with grateful nod to 'mypalmike' for 'lacks a propulsion system'.

"Women's shoes, can't live with 'em, can't fly without 'em."

"Watch for the bomb bay doors to open, and the biggest tits you've ever seen will fall out."

"No Dave, I said Fokker."

"It's the only way SJP's surrogate can avoid the paparazzi."

"It's the only way SJP's surrogate can avoid the paparazzi."

"I'm a lover, not a fighter pilot."

"Could I try it with a smaller heel?"

Yes, but she brakes just like a little girl.

"I say, have you checked for brevibacteria?"

"I was an English major and promising young writer, but realized to be successful I could never write anything offensive to Si Newhouse, Pinch Sulzberger, Sumner Redstone, Rupert Murdoch and a bunch of other sketchy old tyrants. So I dropped writing and took up mechanical engineering with the disastrous results you see here, owing to my highly developed sense of literary irony. At least I didn't become a shameless toady like Malcolm Gladwell."

"Howard Hughes owned it. Guy had a major foot fetish. By the way, did you see the Leighton Meester sex tape? She gives great foot!"

"Shoe fly don't bother me."

"It's our new approach: Less 'fuck you.' More 'fuck me.'"

"Some days you want to napalm, strafe, and bomb. Other days you just want to feel sexy."

"Peep toe, my ass"

"These skid-marks are gonna deliver a village o' hard-ons."

"OK, Johnson: YOU MAY REMOVE THE WENCHES!"

"As you know, you go to war with the wear you have. It's not the wear you might wish or want to have at a later time."

"Where do you think you're going, heelboy? Heelraiser. To heel and back? Drag me to heel on the highway to heel."

"Sure, she's all lady-like now, but tomorrow she'll be taking it up the tailpipe from anyone who's got a refueling hose."

"Airman! There WAS an old woman who lived in that shoe! And she had so many kids, she didn't know what to do. But now I guess we'll scrape them out and toss them in the dump."

"...and to think ! Nary a hairy mission !"

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2