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March 4, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #89

Daniel Radosh

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Warrior TOC this is BlackJack 77. OP grid 74702819. One unfriendly with whip and chair marked with VS-17 panel. Make it hot, Warrior TOC, say again, make it hot." —TG Gibbon

"So then I pointed out to him that I can use a telephone, how much fucking tamer can I get? Anyway, he's concentrating most of his efforts on Ed now." —Tim C.

"Census Bureau? . . . OK, I've got a minute . . . No, I'm not Hispanic. Let's see, my mother was half camel and half puma, and my father was three-quarters ogre and a quarter beastie. . . Mm-hmm. Well, if those are the only choices, then I guess I'd have to say, 'Asian or Pacific Islander.' " —gary

Honorable mention
"Put my agent on the line, I have a feeling 'Indiana Jones 4: Curse of the Lion-Butt Face-Mullet Men' is seriously going to bomb, and I for one want out." —Joe

"Hello. This is 'Bed, Bath and Way Beyond.' How may I help you?" —Tim H

"Dell Customer Service, this is Burt speaking." —RichM


"Land Manatee's Pizza, how may I help you?"

Hello? Do you have Prince Albert in a cage training his genetically-engineered camel-donkey hybrids to wear mullet wigs?

"I was born a lion, but part of me has always felt like a horse."

"Hello. This is 'Bed, Bath and Way Beyond.' How may I help you?"

"Warrior TOC this is BlackJack 77. OP grid 74702819. One unfriendly with whip and chair marked with VS-17 panel. Make it hot, Warrior TOC, say again, make it hot."

"Hi, is this Dr. Megabedian's rhinoplasty clinic? Oh good. Well, basically I don't want to look like I'm speaking out of buttocks drawn by B. Kliban anymore."

"Yeah, baby, I know I'm baked but that doesn't mean I love you anymore...I mean less. Aw, c'mon, Moominmomma, I misspoke! I'm baked! Plus there's this guy here, I don't know, he's kind of a drag. Ron's holding him back with a chair and some blasting fuse but... Oh god, who is this? What do you mean I called you?"

"Hi Betty, it's Gerry. I guess the Hindus were right. Me and Tom Eagleton are getting along fine but the antelope is a real dick."

"Collect?! Well, isn't that just pithy."

Herpes here, I'm calling from the anus. We're going need backup here.

I'm calling report someone to the Association Against Using Dashed Lines To Illustrate Whipping Motion.

Hello? Yes, I'd like to make an appointment with the plastic surgeon... Well, my nose looks like an ass, is the problem.

Noise?! You're one to talk - what do you guys do up there anyway, wear cement shoes? You sound like you come home from work everyday and move your furniture around just for fun! Go ahead and call the co-op board! Like they're really going to believe that we're taming wild animals up here - you better come up with something better than that - Jackass!

Hello, Mr. Mankoff? Yes, do you think you could hire a cartoonist who knows how to draw a fucking lion for Christ's sake? We look like two mutant Metallica roadies.

"Jimmy, can you come pick me up? This furry threesome just isn't working out."

"The bloggers are at it again! This is your lapdog media, phoning it in."

"The NLRB has the worst fucking hold music."

"HR? You should probably start interviewing lion tamers. This idiot doesn't protect his rear flank either."

"Dell Customer Service, this is Burt speaking."

"911, please state your emergency."

"Hello, I'd like to apply to be the new Camel cigarettes spokesanimal. Yes, I think I can handle a hostile press environment. No, I'm not a camel, but my nose does look like a scrotum. Wonderful. I'll see you Tuesday, then."

"Hello, is this PETA?"

"Gotta go, hon, the old slave driver's back. Smell ya later."

"What am I, an answering service? Hey Siegfried! Roy's on the phone."

You won't believe this Bob but I'm speaking to you on a rotary phone. When was the last time you saw one of those? Amazing, huh? So is Mom there? What, she's dead!?! Eaten by Hyenas? That's horrible! ... Yeah that's right, a rotary.

"Okay, you win. You and Eve being swatted out of the Garden of Eden by a giant disembodied hand in the sky really does put my pathetic little problems in perspective. Thanks a lot."

"Okay, are you sure you plugged the mouse into the ... Bangalore, why do you ask? ... Fine, you're right, customer service isn't what it used to be, but you ought to try being on this end of the line and see how you like it."

"Look, Quinnipiac, I don't have much time to talk. But if I had to pick, I'd say McCain, because that Rudy's going down HARD once the rest of the country finds out what a truly flawed individual he is. Yeah, no problem."

Uh....yeah, okay, sure - I'm naked too...and, uh...you've been a very bad boy tiger, so I'm going to have to get out my whip, aren't I?

I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number.

"I can't hear a thing on this damn phone!"

"Hello, New Yorker? I'm confused. It says Duffy by my ass, but the whole cartoon has a Gahan Wilson feel. And are we supposed to be lions with mullets or deformed ponies or what?"

Butt-butt. Butt butt butt butt butt, butt, pbbbbbbbbbbbbfffft butt butt butt. Anus.

Hello, Art Department? What the fuck am I supposed to be, a camel with a mullet? Haven't you people ever seen a fucking lion before?

"Yah! Yah! Heyyyyyup!"

"Did you know that the crack of a whip is actually a miniature sonic boom? The transfer of energy down the length of the whip causes the narrow tip, or 'cracker', to momentarily exceed the speed of sound. What's that? Okay, fine, I'll get him. You know, learning something every once in a while wouldn't hurt you."

"Personally, I think a lioness should be placed upon a pedestal, and then have a chair leg jammed into her armpit."

"That's what I understand, no animals at all! And wait 'til you hear how they've butchered the Beatles."

Put my agent on the line, I have a feeling 'Indiana Jones 4: Curse of the Lion-Butt Face-Mullet Men' is seriously going to bomb, and I for one want out.

"Send in the clowns."

"Hello? Acme Sales? I'd like to order some more surplus train tracks. Seems we didn't get enough last time to complete the circle. About 30 more feet should do the trick. Thanks."

I don't think he's a licensed vet. He doesn't even have a proper tongue depressor.

I told you never to call me at work.

Hell, I'd reject this lame-ass cartoon too. Tell the editor no hard feelings.

Chernobyl's Countryside Circus is up and running! How many tickets do you need?

"I told him, 'Just let me pull the thorn out and she'll be fine,' but no, Mr. Big Shot has to do everything HIS way. . ."

"Census Bureau? . . . OK, I've got a minute . . . No, I'm not Hispanic. Let's see, my mother was half camel and half puma, and my father was three-quarters ogre and a quarter beastie. . . Mm-hmm. Well, if those are the only choices, then I guess I'd have to say, 'Asian or Pacific Islander.' "

"I know, it's a musical about a high school musical! I'm like, duh, why didn't I think of that?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry - I could have sworn I specified "Asian". He did remember the whip, so that's cool. He just lacks the whole "sexy Asian" thing we dig."

"Gotta go-- I need to use my heavy old-style phone to beat a lion-tamer to death."

"You gotta believe me! I ain't lion!"

May I speak to the Pope? Tell him the Assed Face Lion is calling. Sure, I can hold.

Are you still trying that? I told you, Ricardo Monatlban sexy. Carne Asada. Carne Asada. Oh, can you hold on a minute? We're up to the last part of the magic show. I have to go help my son make this man disappear.

I know he called it, but he got up...Oh fuck dibs. Move your feet, lose your seat.

I know I said I wouldn't stand for it anymore, but what could I do they took my seat?

You know what Dorothy? I’m getting sick and tired of all your complaining. And now that I finally have some courage I could tell you what I think. You’re a typical blond nagging whore who doesn’t shut the fuck up. Since you’ve been here, you broke the Tin Man’s new heart, gave the scarecrow brain, and stole the Witch’s slippers. Not to mention, you fucked more 5 year old oompa loompas than R Kelly and Father Ramsey, at Saint Regis Cathedral, combined. They followed the yellow prick road and it led to the most over used vagina since Anna Nicole Smith. Oh, and by the way, The Great Oz gave you crabs. I know because he got them from me, right after he took back my courage. Oh shit, that’s right, I’m a coward and there is a man with a whip in the ring. Mommy!

"I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long day..."

"I said this phone doesn't work."

"Not much, though Siegfried's a little cranky because we actually ate Roy this time."

"Funny the hold music is Devo"

"This gig would be much better attended if wasn't in Antartica."

"I think there are other things we can focus on than the fact that we are all left-handed"

"Hello Mr. Ringling, the giant hamster wheel just fell on top of our practice area"

"The worst part is, he thinks the belt makes him look thinner"

Listen, Interrupting Cow, I've told you not to... oh, what's the use?

"Hello, Sid? Yeah, it's me. Look, you said you could get us newly-discovered Giant Maned Capybaras a Natural-History-Museum gig - what? Well, yeah, it is, but there's this asshole in the cage here that's really getting on our nerves."

My attention-whore partner picks up most of the slack around here. They're just keeping me around because I speak their language.

"Baker Antique Furniture Reproductions Company: Distressing Department- may I help you?"

"Hello, RoeWade Animal Clinic? We don't want your vet anymore- now Nala wants to have the baby."

"Thank you for calling Smile Train, The World's Leading Cleft 'Chairity'."

"Brains! Brains! No, not LION brains. Is your owner home?"

Oh, like it's my fault you've never seen Return of the Living Dead.

The cheap bastard'ss time is nearly up... he's using a chair from Ikea.

"Same old. Same old. You?"


"Haaaa!" "Snap!" "Ouch!" "Ring Ring Ring" "Hello?"

"How's tricks?"


Look "Meredith of Millionaire", you can tell that rat-bastard PT Barnum that I used to be his friend, but that was before I found out that he was feeding us lamb and rice mix instead of real Christians.

Is this OSHA?

"Is this CTU? Tell Bill Buchanon to get Bauer to stand down. We already told him everything we know."

"Your husband doesn't come here to tame lions."

"Sure, it was hard after 'Friends' ended, but now I'm back doing what I love most--live theater. And I suppose there'll always be a bit of Ross in everything I do.... Oh, that noise? I'm just making popcorn."


Good job I have thumbs so I can use this phone. Now I just have to learn how to speak!

Lloyd thought that his phone routine would be killer, but forgot that Newhart didn't work with an animal act.

Hello Peter Griffin, this is your imagination calling, turns out we don't fully remember the time you were an animal trainer for Joe Camel, so just get back to the plot about finding cigarettes in Meg's bedroom.

"Oh, like it's my fault you've never seen Return of the Living Dead" actually makes a pretty good caption entry.

That does make a good entry. It's actually a pretty funny movie, for those who haven't seen it. Here, you can read all about it:


"This is field agent Bixberg. I think he can tell we're not lions. Should we abort?"

"No, I don't want a free trial subscription to the New Yorker. No. I said no. Look, I don't have time for this. My wife and I are just about to eat dinner."

So I says to Mabel, I says,...

"Barnum and Bailey S&M Services, the Greatest Show in Bondage. How may you serve us?"

"I'm calling about the apartment for rent."

Hey, it wasn't my decision to crossbreed camels and lions. But now that it's done, at least give us a little dignity.

Listen, could you send someone else down? We're in the middle of furry play and your guy doesn't look like a ninja turtle with a whip -- more like a plump lion-tamer with a blindfold. Do you have anything better? ... uh huh ... uh huh ... Okay: go ahead with the more expensive costume, but only if I can get this guy removed from my bill. Okay. Thanks, bye.

"Who is this?"

"So you know how, like, people go off on tangents and they forget to return to their point? Well, like, I totally do that sometimes and, like, it doesn't even matter! I can ramble on and on, never making any point or anything! All I have to do... I mean 'alls', LOL! Don't you just hate when people say 'alls'? I remember this one time, at band camp, when somebody said something that was funny like that. Oh, before I forget, did you see the lunar eclipse? Wasn't that, like, totally awesome? Has a lion ever asked you that before? No? Are you sure? Really? That's just like the time someone asked me something like that. So anyway, did I win?"

"Hold on a sec, I have to take a dump. ... There, okay, you were saying?"

hello, pest control?

Yeah, I'm fine. Burt's waiting to evolve opposable thumbs like mine, then he's going to grab that chair and shove it up The Great Renaldo's ass.

Keep the transplant team on call, I think my brother is feeling just about ready to give me one of his kidneys.

Could you speak up please? This handset, even though it's much larger than it should be for the size of the rest of the phone, still doesn't reach to my ear.

Osborne residence.

“Yes, but you should also presume Dr. Livingston won’t be alive much longer.”

I served with Gunther "Gebel-Williams. I knew Gunther Gebel-Williams. Gunther Gebel-Williams was a friend of mine. This guy’s no Gunther Gebel-Williams."

"Sorry I didn't call earlier, its been a circus around here."

"Just the usual B.S., he says 'jump' and he thinks I'm gonna ask 'how high'?"

"I'll tell you this much, it was a nicer circus when the Ringlead's appproval ratings were up."

"Hello, Radosh? Great news! It's almost Friday and they still haven't cracked 100 entries! What's that? Yeah, I think our hideous ass-faced camel/lion faces finally stymied a lot of the 'johnny-come-spurtlies.' What? Yeah, I just coined it. No, really, go ahead and google it. Huh? Sure, I guess, as long as you give me credit. Well, gotta go."

"Hi mom, it's me, Timmy. The DNA mixing experiment didn't go too well. I'm a freak. This is my home now."

"No, my mom or dad can't come to the phone. They were killed by poachers when I was just a cub. That's why I have to grow up in this horrible lion foster home."

Yeah, I just finished dinner. Sid's over in the corner, playing with his food.

He said something about, 'I'm Chris Hansen with NBC and I am here to catch predators.'

Vance - The thing is, there's one loser who has been posting literally dozens of entries each time, not a single one even remotely interesting, and, lately, just plain abusive. I'm now holding him to the 5 entries per toon limit. You can go back and figure out which ones are his, it's not hard.

(Which cartoon character is supposed to be saying that?)

"Well, it wasn't so bad at first, but then they started playing Devo's 'Whip It' incessantly, and, y'know, it's just become too much."

"Hello? Consumers Union here. Chair and whip division..."

"Sidney? It's Leo. You promised I'd be 'placed on a pedestal and cheerd by crowds around the world.' Yeah? Well you never mentioned the chair legs to the groin and a bullwhips cracked against my back...I'm getting a new agent."

Dr. Munson, I'm having those funny dreams again.

"Can we still be friends?"

"Yes, yes send Ms. Coulter in right away. My boyfriend Lance and I have a bone to pick with her."

"So then I pointed out to him that I can use a telephone, how much fucking tamer can I get? Anyway, he's concentrating most of his efforts on Ed now."

"Yeah, this is the same lion who played 'Young Simba'. Mmm hm. Mmm hmm. Yeah, thanks, but I'm not interested in participating in an E! documentary. Thanks anyway."

"No, Todd can't come to the phone right now. He's totally pussy-whipped. By which I mean his girlfriend is very controlling."

"Yeah, it's going okay. The folks here seem pretty nice, although you know how it is -- there's always one asshole."

"Look, it's over. I found someone new. And it's not just that he's in the entertainment industry. He makes me laugh."

"Hello, Roaming Gnome? I think there's been a terrible mistake with my reservations."

"Send in the stingrays."

"I'm sorry, they're both engaged right at the moment. May I have the one that's not the loser call you back?"

"Our tamer? We just call him DR. You may think he's outnumbered- like a lone judge in a caption contest. But he gives us a furnished cage, decent food, regular amusement- and he packs a .44 magnum.

"Yeah, we're still rehearsing the 'Beast of Burden' number. Between you and me, I think Twyla ran out of ideas two musicals ago."

“Yes, that's right. Elsa was my grandmother. And let me tell you: Everything went to hell after Born Free.”

"He can really crack that whip, but his dick is a clip-on."

You're looking for perspective? I'm sorry, wrong number.


You are not the only one who is angry about our ad for camel toe head.

"I can never say 'pith helmet' without giggling."

Hey,WTF. Have you ever considered getting a life?

"Siegfreid & Roy Fantasy Camp, Maria speaking, how may I help you?"

"No, Mitchell, the blue wire! THE BLUE WIRE!"

"Hello, Dr. Goldman? It's Jermaine. I'm afraid Tito's regressing again."

"I'm telling you, this guy is REALLY old school: he tucks his knickers into his boots!"

"I'm sorry, he can't come to the phone right now... Oh, no no. No, because he's about to DIE! ROAR!"

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