The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #228
Harry EffronSubmit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
———Last week's results. ———Rules and tips.
First Place:
"I guess you're wondering why I called you all here today." -- Alan Weld
Second Place:
"Lordy, but I'm proud'a today's haul. Bagged and stuffed myself a squirrel, a coon, a porcupine, 'n' a cowboy. Gurgle." -- Daniel
Third Place:
"I'm cornered." -- mypalmike
Honorable Mention:
"Which one of you shit behind my desk?" -- Austin D
"Gol-durng it, somehow I gots to get all four of you into town, and I can't leave the porcupine alone with the baby, the raccoon alone with the porcupine, or the squirrel alone with the raccoon." -- Trout Almondine
"Which of you rootin' tootin' cowpokes has been stealing the post-it notes?" -- TG GIbbon
Yay references!:
"On the telegraph, nobody knows you're a squirrel, raccoon, porcupine or baby." -- Richard H
"The raccoons here are obese." -- jf
Comments
Once more: You each try to write the worst possible caption for this cartoon on my desk here. How fucking hard is that? Oh. You need pens.
Posted by: JohnnyB | February 8, 2010 7:39 AM
NO, I said I needed to get some "pussy", not a "posse". Besides, none of you can shoot a gun very well.
Posted by: JohnnyB | February 8, 2010 7:42 AM
I put peanut butter on it and you all lick it off. How fucking hard is that?
HA! Yes, it is sort of a pun. Good one, baby.
Posted by: JohnnyB | February 8, 2010 7:45 AM
"Stupid taxidermist got the baby all wrong."
Posted by: Rob | February 8, 2010 8:14 AM
"Shoot! We just missed the cut for being a Super Bowl ad."
Posted by: Kathy H | February 8, 2010 9:14 AM
"I want someone to eat this outlaws' nuts, eat his garbage, stick him with needles, and puke on him. So I'm gonna hire Andy Dick."
Posted by: Damon | February 8, 2010 10:27 AM
"This town's full of nothin' but half-breeds, gypsys, tramps & thieves. If I could turn back time, we'd have killed `em all just like Jesse James. We only got 3 shotguns now, though, so two of you will have to cher."
Posted by: Damon | February 8, 2010 10:47 AM
You got a problem with my penis painting? That there's art, you stupid baby.
Posted by: LK | February 8, 2010 10:47 AM
I got your proposal for a new animatronic song and dance show. Um... you do know this is Westworld, not Disney World, right?
AL in LA version:
I got your proposal for a new animatronic song and dance show. Um... you do know this is Westworld, a high tech Wild West interactive theme park populated by realistic robots that disastrously goes wrong in a 1973 futuristic action movie written and directed by Michael Crichton and starring Yul Brynner, not Disney World, a popular theme park in Florida featuring rides and attractions based on characters and stories from movies from Walt Disney Studios including many animated films that portray talking and singing animals, right?
Posted by: Walt | February 8, 2010 10:49 AM
JUDGE'S COMMENTS: 25 Words or Less.
Posted by: Rob | February 8, 2010 11:00 AM
I give up. What do a giant raccoon and hunchback baby have in common?
Posted by: boneguy | February 8, 2010 11:12 AM
"I can't quit you!"
Posted by: Ben C | February 8, 2010 11:15 AM
"'Ga Ga?' That's sounds awfully close to 'draw,' pumpkin."
Posted by: dwilk | February 8, 2010 11:27 AM
"Good news, woodland critters, I found this here manchild fer y'all to sacrifice. Hail Satan!"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 8, 2010 11:30 AM
"wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah waaah. wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah waaah. wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah-wah waaah. wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah waaah."
Posted by: Brian L | February 8, 2010 11:32 AM
"I bring this meeting of 'things i've killed' to order."
Posted by: Brian L | February 8, 2010 11:37 AM
Sheriff Kanin: "Boys, I brought yew in for a special reason t'day. I just hung my creashun on the wall. What yew think?"
Raccoon: "It's, um, nice."
Sheriff Kanin: "That dere is a depicshun of a rock formation in the desert. Made it myself outta wire. It's what yew call abstract-y art."
Squirrel: "Why's there wire sticking out of the frame?"
Sheriff Kanin: *cocks gun* "Allow me to ansur a question wid a question. What's a squirrel know `bout art?"
Squirrel: "Heh, nothing. Total philistine. It's bold."
Posted by: Damon | February 8, 2010 11:38 AM
"I too thought that by now making fun of alinla would be considered a classic"
Posted by: Brian L | February 8, 2010 11:40 AM
"So that's two for the mustache and two against it. Fuck it, you know I hate asking the mule."
Posted by: Richard H | February 8, 2010 11:56 AM
"Are you the one they call The Kid?"
Posted by: Tim H | February 8, 2010 12:38 PM
"Look, I already told you. They ran out of the six-pointed stars, so I had to settle for this one. Shessh!"
Posted by: Kathy H | February 8, 2010 12:40 PM
[Or...Sheesh!...either way.]
Posted by: Kathy H | February 8, 2010 12:41 PM
"Geez, I thought when they told me to 'Hurry, there's a rattler in your office'..."
Posted by: Tim H | February 8, 2010 12:43 PM
I guess you're wondering why I called you all here today.
Posted by: Alan Weld | February 8, 2010 1:08 PM
"Whoever performs best in the orgy gets to be deputy."
Posted by: Beth | February 8, 2010 1:27 PM
"Black Bart and his gang came by the ranch and sucked mommy's tits dry. Then they ran off with all the nuts and seeds."
Posted by: avanti | February 8, 2010 1:27 PM
"Are y'all sure I can trust you to behave while I'm out? OK. Just don't eat each other's feces and no one touch the iPad on my desk."
Posted by: Richard H | February 8, 2010 1:57 PM
The part came down to me and Robert Conrad. So we had us a race...
Posted by: Epstein's Mother | February 8, 2010 2:00 PM
How about THE VILLAGE PEOPLE?
Posted by: Don't Hit the Hair | February 8, 2010 2:05 PM
We're short one Oscar ballot. The show's about to start...
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | February 8, 2010 2:16 PM
Spiny Norman here had the Saints and the under. Congratulations you lucky s.o.b.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | February 8, 2010 2:19 PM
Beats me. This was created with a New Yorker drag-and-drop cartoon kit.
Posted by: George Graffenberg | February 8, 2010 2:21 PM
Hey raccoon, you're too fucking fat for this job. Beat it.
Posted by: A. Wattismore | February 8, 2010 2:42 PM
I call it "The Arisocrats".
Posted by: Rose Fox | February 8, 2010 3:33 PM
Er, with a t.
Posted by: Rose Fox | February 8, 2010 3:33 PM
"No, Mr. baby, I expect you to bond....with me...cause I'm your pa."
Posted by: Celeste | February 8, 2010 3:37 PM
"Shit, I ain't no sheriff. I'm the new animal control officer and Foster Care Supervisor in town."
Posted by: Rob | February 8, 2010 3:39 PM
"Welcome to the 1st Annual Caucus of NAMBLA/Zoophiliacs of the Wild West."
Posted by: Sarah | February 8, 2010 3:42 PM
"Festus, looks like we're gonna need more rubbers."
Posted by: Gretchen | February 8, 2010 3:46 PM
Lucas was having an "It wasn't just the baby that died that day" Trainspotting moment.
Posted by: Glenn | February 8, 2010 3:58 PM
"Baby, 'Coon, Squirrelie, I'd like you all to meet Ralph Kramden."
Posted by: Kathy H | February 8, 2010 4:01 PM
[Take 2] "Baby, Pokie, Squirrelie, I'd like you all to meet Ralph Kramden."
Posted by: Kathy H | February 8, 2010 4:02 PM
"Good question. I believe when you fill out the census, you have to check the box marked Raccoon-American"
Posted by: Tim H | February 8, 2010 4:05 PM
"Now that the sheep are all gone to summer pasture, you know what that means boys...time to cowboy up."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 8, 2010 4:35 PM
Now, I only have enough guns to deputize three of y'all. So which one of you wants to be my love interest?
Posted by: tb | February 8, 2010 4:36 PM
"Hmmm. Three shotguns and four things I want to kill. What to do?"
Posted by: David | February 8, 2010 5:18 PM
"I can't wait to tell my wife that our orders from the taxidermist are in!"
Posted by: David | February 8, 2010 5:20 PM
"Ok, the baby doesn't belong because the other three are animals, and the porcupine has it's pricks on the outside, and it's good only one coon is here to see this,...and...uh...uh....he's my squirrelfriend."
Posted by: dwilk | February 8, 2010 5:24 PM
"Them thar pheremones comin' off one a ya is making my Woodrow Wilson cast a mighty shadow."
Posted by: Winnie | February 8, 2010 5:26 PM
"I can tell y'all cause none of ya critters can talk, but I boned the shit out of Kitty Carlisle this mornin."
Posted by: Donna | February 8, 2010 5:29 PM
"Free mustache rides!"
Posted by: D. Sanchez | February 8, 2010 5:33 PM
"Free mustache rides!"
Posted by: D. Sanchez | February 8, 2010 5:33 PM
"That's right boys, Frank Miller's comin' to town. Noonish."
Posted by: Rob | February 8, 2010 6:07 PM
Thanks, but it's just not working for me, especially the porcupine. I'm gonna stick with the gerbil.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | February 8, 2010 6:59 PM
"One a ya varmints done smell like bear pussy. Nice work."
Posted by: Grandma B. | February 8, 2010 7:40 PM
"Right boys, you know ah'd shoot an Injun soon as look ah'd at 'em...which one of y'all kin help me figgur out this here iPad?"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 8, 2010 8:31 PM
Mexican standoff.
Posted by: Austin D | February 8, 2010 9:07 PM
[correction] "Right boys, you know ah'd shoot an Injun soon as ah'd look at 'em...which one of y'all kin help me figgur out this here iPad?"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 8, 2010 9:10 PM
"Which one of you shit behind my desk?"
Posted by: Austin D | February 8, 2010 9:22 PM
Blah blah blah cowboy blah blah blah porcupine and a baby blah blah blah homoerotic.
Posted by: Austin D | February 8, 2010 9:25 PM
"It's Miss Kitty, you dumbshit, not Kitty Carlisle."
Posted by: JD | February 8, 2010 9:36 PM
"Look, baby, this here's a decent cartoon, an we ain't gonna tolerate no more of yer self-defecating humor."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 8, 2010 9:59 PM
I've bin corralled in LA fer a decent spell now 'n
I've growed fond of 'er.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | February 8, 2010 10:23 PM
Alright panelists, as soon as Miss Kitty gets here we'll begin this week's episode of What's My Line?
Posted by: Rocko | February 8, 2010 10:29 PM
How's about a sasparilla, you crazy bastards?
Posted by: Rocko | February 8, 2010 10:32 PM
"Badgers?? Badgers?? We don't need no stinkin' badgers!"
Posted by: Dex | February 8, 2010 11:18 PM
Oh, sheeeit...props to Dex...
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 9, 2010 12:38 AM
Wendell had only three squares left on the sheet for the big game....will he speak now or wait until the shit hits the fan?
Posted by: Greg | February 9, 2010 1:23 AM
"Isn't that just like a wop babt? Brings a rattle to a gun fight."
Posted by: Leslie | February 9, 2010 1:45 AM
"...and remember, as a decoy you don't make the arrest. Just get the money from the John, and then we'll move in."
Posted by: al in la | February 9, 2010 5:51 AM
The squirrel, the raccoon, the porcupine and the rattler all met for the intervention. They were not sure how the sheriff would take the news that his boots were too feminine.
Posted by: Amy E | February 9, 2010 8:14 AM
Hold still dammit while I figure out which one of you makes the best area rug.
Posted by: boneguy | February 9, 2010 11:21 AM
(Unsettlingly long silence.)
Posted by: Francis | February 9, 2010 12:38 PM
After his success with the turducken, the sheriff looked forward to making a porcusquirbabycoon.
Posted by: Francis | February 9, 2010 12:45 PM
Finally, the sheriff made sense of what his silent friends were signaling about the outsider: "Nuts, it's that coon, Spike Wee".
Posted by: RV | February 9, 2010 2:46 PM
"Now, Trig, I don't wanna talk ill of your mama, but, I declare, she must be some sorta retard."
Posted by: Tim H | February 9, 2010 3:57 PM
On a slow day for crime, the sheriff indulges in his twin philias - zoo and pedo.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | February 9, 2010 4:10 PM
I'm not a veterinarian or a pediatrician, I'm a dad-gum cowboy. Can't you see by my outfit?
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | February 9, 2010 4:12 PM
It would be a year or two before one of them would realize that there was a picture of an erect penis on the sheriff's wall. Sadly, he would need to kill the child soon.
Posted by: Dirk | February 9, 2010 4:14 PM
Having rid the town of crime, the sheriff opens a combination petting zoo/day-care center to help make ends meet.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | February 9, 2010 4:17 PM
"Well, boys, in the last scene I get to ride into the sunset with Grace Kelly. But, since she's been dead for near 28 years, that kinda puts a damper on the festivities."
Posted by: Kathy H | February 9, 2010 4:32 PM
"Listen up. Today I'll be implementin' our new policy. It's called Dumbass, Don't Tell."
Posted by: Tim H | February 9, 2010 4:52 PM
"I'm about to show you a wanted poster with a puppy on it. I made it because I really want a puppy."
Posted by: Belinda | February 9, 2010 6:48 PM
The judges didn't give Wyatt a ticket to Deadwood, though the obnoxious British baby reluctantly admitted Spurs on the Ground could become a hit.
Posted by: Damon | February 9, 2010 7:43 PM
In the town jail
there was an antelope skull.
A porcupine quill
And a pine of -
five cent swill
A shotgun rack
And a frame hanging by a tack
A sheriff dressed in black
With his ten gallon hat.
A spittoon pail
And a chipmunk tail.
Goodnight quill
Goodnight swill
Goodnight rack
Goodnight frame hanging by a tack.
Goodnight sheriff dressed in black
Goodnight to his ten gallon hat.
Goodnight pail and the chipmunk tail.
Goodnight to everyone sleeping one off in the jail.
Posted by: Pandyora | February 9, 2010 8:01 PM
It wasn't until the eagle snatched the baby and flew away with it firmly in its talons, that the Sheriff finally replaced the saloon doors.
Posted by: G Larson | February 9, 2010 10:05 PM
Why it burp?
Posted by: Dr. Spock | February 9, 2010 10:06 PM
This here's a sting, boys. I'm runnin' all you pedophile varmints out of town.
Posted by: CRC | February 9, 2010 10:17 PM
"I don't believe what I'm seeing. Where you been all your lives? Listening to Mick Jagger music and bad-mouthing your country?"
Posted by: Sgt. Foley | February 9, 2010 11:07 PM
"No no no...today is free RABIES shots, not...aww what the heck...c'mon and pull down your diaper..."
Posted by: Hillary Ran Math | February 9, 2010 11:53 PM
"You'll get your bottle after you crawl across that floor and kiss my boots."
Posted by: dwilk | February 10, 2010 7:36 AM
"You see, a congenital defect in my eye done cause me to see everything upside-down. Just look at my painting of a uvula."
Posted by: WTF Jenny | February 10, 2010 1:13 PM
"Deputize this, Whore-baby."
Posted by: Celeste | February 10, 2010 1:15 PM
"I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we are doing a story about predators who try to meet infants and animals for sex. What was your plan here today, Sheriff?"
Posted by: Glenn | February 10, 2010 2:58 PM
The raccoons here are obese.
Posted by: jf | February 10, 2010 3:53 PM
"Eeny meeny miny mo!. Looks like I'm wiping my ass with you again, Squirrel."
Posted by: Elizabeth | February 10, 2010 4:16 PM
———Where———d ya find the animals, Carson?———
Posted by: Rob | February 10, 2010 5:39 PM
"I reckon I shouldn't a fumigated the rental out back... brings out the darndest varmints."
Posted by: gluelicker | February 10, 2010 6:04 PM
"So what if it is an Eye of Providence? What's it to ya? At least I got here on two legs..."
Posted by: gluelicker | February 10, 2010 6:28 PM
"Goldarn infant, not one inch more... at least your furry friends know when to step off."
Posted by: gluelicker | February 10, 2010 6:38 PM
The sheriff stood there, paralyzed by his fear of varmints, while the image of his infant's carcass being picked to pieces raced through his head.
Posted by: CRC | February 10, 2010 6:47 PM
His fear of rabies and hatred of children exacerbated by the lingering effects of tequila, the sheriff pondered how quickly he could empty his sidearm.
Posted by: CRC | February 10, 2010 7:06 PM
The sheriff turns to animal therapy in a desperate attempt to reach his autistic son, but the little buckeroo remains fixated on his rattle.
Posted by: CRC | February 10, 2010 9:43 PM
Ughhhhh... I don't feel so good... [PROJECTILE VOMIT FOLLOWS]
Posted by: m hartman | February 10, 2010 10:18 PM
I'm OKAY Rigatoni, you nutty bitch. How's that irritable bowel syndrome treating you?
Posted by: al in bklyn | February 10, 2010 10:29 PM
Don't be discouraged l'il fellers. Zach Kanin's only 5' 3" and he drew us all right here outta his 'magination!
Posted by: Bob Mankoff | February 10, 2010 10:36 PM
We gotta serve a 'cease & desist' on some dude named Rados in the Czech Republic...
Posted by: Dewey Cheatham & Howe | February 10, 2010 10:39 PM
"How did that oppossum I shaved get a bonnet and diaper?"
Posted by: 0bs01337 | February 11, 2010 12:16 AM
"It's my job to mesh these diverse talents into a fightin' machine. Shit!"
Posted by: dwilk | February 11, 2010 7:16 AM
"What in tarnation is casting these shadows? Must be the dadgum Krazy Glue fumes..."
Posted by: gluelicker | February 11, 2010 10:24 AM
"Well now, buckaroos... all saddled up for the teabagger rally?"
Posted by: gluelicker | February 11, 2010 10:36 AM
"My wife, Josie, blew an opiated, wank-happy, Charlie train-track-layer in exchange for his wok. Short straw is getting sweet and soured."
Posted by: Anonymous | February 11, 2010 11:01 AM
"I don't buy it, Mervyn... you DID promise me a Japanese rock garden."
Posted by: gluelicker | February 11, 2010 1:12 PM
(oops, my bad, a misfire... scratch the last one and please don't disqualify me...)
Posted by: Anonymous | February 11, 2010 1:14 PM
If'n you boys will turn yer eyes to the picture on the wall to m' right, you will note that the crack on thattere wall is continued thar in the picture. Hella meta, ain't it?
Posted by: Larry McMurtry taught me all I know | February 11, 2010 2:01 PM
"I'd like to deputize you all but there's only three rifles."
Posted by: Satireguy | February 11, 2010 2:07 PM
"I'd like to help you Mr. sherrif man but I can't work with these animals."
Posted by: Satireguy | February 11, 2010 2:08 PM
"Lordy, but I'm proud'a today's haul. Bagged and stuffed myself a squirrel, a coon, a porcupine, 'n' a cowboy. Gurgle."
Posted by: Daniel | February 11, 2010 3:32 PM
"Now, varmints, time for a little game I call 'Fuck, Marry or Kill.'"
"Gol-durng it, somehow I gots to get all four of you into town, and I can't leave the porcupine alone with the baby, the raccoon alone with the porcupine, or the squirrel alone with the raccoon."
"Sorry, guys, there are four of you, and I only have three rifles. Two of you are going to have to be 'Injuns.'"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | February 11, 2010 4:29 PM
RV's entry, and Daniel's above two above, are mind-blowingly good.
Posted by: Trout Almondine | February 11, 2010 4:38 PM
"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to cry."
Posted by: NAMBY | February 11, 2010 5:47 PM
Now hold on there one minute. I just gotta write down these lyrics afore I forget 'em:
He was born a little baby on the Appalachian Trail
At six months old he'd
done three months in jail
He robbed a bank in his diapers and little bare baby feet
All he said was "Folks my name is Outlaw Pete"
I'm Outlaw Pete, I'm Outlaw Pete, can you hear me?
Posted by: Tim H | February 11, 2010 5:48 PM
"On the telegraph, nobody knows you're a squirrel, raccoon, porcupine or baby."
Posted by: Richard H | February 11, 2010 5:56 PM
Aspiring entertainers wait nervously at a Ukranian Idol regional audition.
Posted by: Anonymous | February 12, 2010 10:13 AM
"I'm cornered."
[Also, Ukranian Idol was me.]
Posted by: mypalmike | February 12, 2010 10:15 AM
"Boys, this here is a office desk. It came from the future! I put this stuff on it, just like it was real wood, and look. It stays there! And inside, I found something called K-Y Jelly!"
Posted by: Glenn W | February 12, 2010 10:55 AM
"Welcome to Spic and Stan's Rifle Emporium. Lo siento, Spic no esta aqui."
Posted by: mypalmike | February 12, 2010 11:05 AM
Awrighty then..i got me two brand new stents. Now which one of y'all are gonna c'mon over here and gimme a blow job...
Posted by: m hartman | February 12, 2010 11:38 AM
"Are you pulling my lariat? Valentine's Day got no stars in the New York Post? Now, don't that beat all?"
Posted by: Kathy H | February 12, 2010 12:19 PM
OR (working link):....Valentine's Day
Posted by: Kathy H | February 12, 2010 12:31 PM
"I bet a Choktaw squaw's merkin that one you little critters has working pussy for daddy."
Posted by: Sarah | February 12, 2010 1:35 PM
"Dang it! Conjugal visits are on Saturdays only!"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 12, 2010 3:11 PM
Just because I'm the only biped in the club doesn't mean I should always be the one who has to wear the Galoshes of Shame.
Posted by: Adam | February 12, 2010 5:12 PM
"Shut up or I'll nail my other hand to the desk."
Posted by: dwilk | February 12, 2010 6:19 PM
As he weighed his options, the sheriff came to regret closing the brothel.
Posted by: Rocko | February 12, 2010 7:54 PM
Wasilla, you crazy bastards. The little retard is from Wasilla.
Posted by: Rocko | February 12, 2010 7:59 PM
"Whatever falls through the cracks better not land on them Jews."
Posted by: Rob | February 12, 2010 8:25 PM
ANOTHER WEEK WITHOUT TITS?! Y'all as useless as hind teats on a worthog.
Posted by: Ham I Am | February 13, 2010 12:24 AM
Too bad y'all got Judge "Hang'em Harry F-in High" prizahdin' this week. You'd a been let off with a bland blog comment and a fine for too many words if Judge "Fee-Yoot-Al in La La Land" wuz sittin' on the bench..."
Posted by: His Majesty Tar Man | February 13, 2010 12:50 AM
Budget cuts sent Ol'Nellie to the glue factory. One of you can wear my saddle, here on in. The rest of ya'll, I'm sorry to say, will have to join her.
Posted by: Susan Hart Woman | February 13, 2010 1:28 AM
"SWM 40 (T-Stone, AZ & vicinity) -- Lawman seeks G,S or B LTR. Loves outdoors, organic food, cuddling. D/D Free, Non-Smoker. No pretentions. Not afraid to show emotions. Must be down-to earth. Teeth optional."
[Happy Valentine's Day Anti-Cappers!!!]
Posted by: Susan Hart Woman | February 13, 2010 3:48 AM
"Aren't you the cutest little thing! No, not you, baby; I was talking to the porcupine, asshole."
Posted by: Abe | February 13, 2010 4:20 AM
"Aren't you the cutest little thing! No, not you, baby; I was talking to the porcupine, asshole."
Posted by: Abe | February 13, 2010 4:21 AM
NEXT ANTI-CAP RESULTS:
http://www.countdowndays.com/8441/
Posted by: dwilk | February 13, 2010 5:21 AM
Holy mother, what's going to
come out next!
b2busa@usa-ham.com
Posted by: Psyco | February 13, 2010 8:35 AM
"You want me to apologize for calling y'all retarded? Fuck you, I was being satirical."
Posted by: Richard H | February 13, 2010 3:32 PM
"So a priest porcupine, a minister squirrel, a pastor baby, and a raccoon rabbi walk into a bar..."
Posted by: Don | February 13, 2010 4:15 PM
Why can't you shit outside like the rest of these critters?
These boots is almost wore out and much as I hate to mix and match, two of you is gonna be my new ones.
Yeah, that's a sad story kid, but afore I kin put you out of your misery, I got to kill these other critters.
We need a new kickball down to the school house, any volunteers?
No, I'm not gonna help you, less'n you bribe me first.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | February 14, 2010 7:20 PM
"No rattles or quills; we don't want to alert the bad guys that we're coming."
Posted by: Dave | February 14, 2010 10:38 PM
"Howdy, squirrel. Howdy, coon. Howdy, porky-pine. Oh, shit. Howdy, baby. Guessin' your mama sent you here for the child support."
Posted by: Grant | February 15, 2010 12:12 AM
"The number one rule of border protection is shoot first, then ask questions."
Posted by: Grant | February 15, 2010 12:15 AM
"Deputy Porcupine, this job requires a backbone, son."
Posted by: Grant Friz the Mighty | February 15, 2010 12:18 AM
"Now there, boys, which one of ya finished my Pace picante sauce?"
Posted by: Yangxiao | February 15, 2010 1:35 PM
"I guess y'all didn't take kindly to 'two legs good, four legs bad'?"
Posted by: Yangxiao | February 15, 2010 1:40 PM
"Y'all look a lot older in person than in yer Craigslist ad..."
(P.S. Two weeks = ten caption limit, right???)
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 15, 2010 3:26 PM
"I'll give you child support when you take it from my cold, dead hands!"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 15, 2010 4:04 PM
"Li'l feller, when I said I was gonna beat the stuffing outta yer friends, I meant it literally!"
Posted by: Yangxiao | February 15, 2010 4:12 PM
"Dangit...this is definately not the time to be wonderin' if I left the garage door open today!"
Posted by: fredturd | February 15, 2010 6:13 PM
"Johnny B? Kathy H? dwilk?Francis? I want y'all to tell them other Anti-Cappers that there's gonna be some law in this here town."
(I've posted the highly controversial, unofficial mid-way results on my blog. See for yourself!)
Posted by: al in la | February 16, 2010 1:30 AM
"What? Why y'all staring at me that-a-way? I'll be judging the anti-caption contest when I damn well please!"
"In Russia, animals and baby arrest you, Sheriff!"
Posted by: Grant | February 16, 2010 1:45 AM
"Listen here, woodland critters, and heed my advice. Make off with this manchild for your human sacrifice," said the sheriff in the ten-gallon hat.
[Rewrite inspired by al in la.]
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 16, 2010 10:51 AM
"Come on, this is a joke, right? A whiner, a prick, a masked man and a nut-sucker walk into a sheriff's office..."
Posted by: Anonymous | February 16, 2010 12:38 PM
You know, from this angle it *does* look like I might have hung that baby gate a little bit high.
Posted by: Adam | February 16, 2010 4:07 PM
Off off camera, Herve Villachez chirps "De plains, De plains." Ricardo Montaban, dressed in Corinthian chaps, encourages "Scooties, everyone, scooties"
(Now that's some funny shit)
Posted by: Anonymous | February 16, 2010 7:46 PM
"Which of you rootin' tootin' cowpokes has been stealing the post-it notes?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | February 17, 2010 10:15 AM
"What say we mosey on down to the saloon for some nuts, garbage, snapple, milk, and whiskey?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | February 17, 2010 10:25 AM
"I don't know, but unless it's some kind of giant eagle or a time machine I really don't think it's worth my time trying to guess how you all got here today."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | February 17, 2010 10:32 AM
"What makes you think deputy Fievel wants to go home just because Alexander III is dead?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | February 17, 2010 10:39 AM
"Look, Baby, I've worked with cowpokes who were wet behind the ears, but never, ever, one who was wet behind the behind."
Posted by: Kathy H | February 17, 2010 1:29 PM
"What, ain't y'all never seen a grown man piss hisself afore?"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 17, 2010 2:13 PM
"There's a new sheriff incontinent..."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 17, 2010 2:24 PM
"Jumpin Jehosaphats, I shoulda known I was askin' for trouble when I poured whiskey on them Sea Monkeys!"
Posted by: Yangxiao | February 17, 2010 3:38 PM
"This is precisely the kinda pre-dicament where I'd take off on the spur of the moment, if only my spurs waren't so small..."
Posted by: Yangxiao | February 17, 2010 3:54 PM
I'd kick that porcupine if my spurs weren't tangled.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | February 18, 2010 1:36 AM
Where is the damn gopher I ordered?
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | February 18, 2010 1:39 AM
Those swinging doors are going to allow a lot of flies in here come Spring.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | February 18, 2010 1:41 AM
I swear if that baby eats one more of my critters, I'm gonna... well, do something I'm sure.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | February 18, 2010 1:45 AM
If only I had bought that gatling gun instead.
Since this contest is lasting twice as long as normal, I've submitted twice as many captions.
If this is bad, then please note that I'm feeling twice the remorse.
Posted by: Konrad Schwoerke | February 18, 2010 1:58 AM
"You're right, Baby. That snowboard halfpipe sure does look cool. But, since it's 105 degrees here in Butt Gultch, Arizona, maybe you should set your sights elsewhere."
Posted by: Tim H | February 18, 2010 12:42 PM
"I know it's been tough here during Deadwood week, but I have the decision for all of you in this room............It's the end of the line- you're not going through to the next round. Except for you, Seacrest- now drop your rattle and show them out, cuddles.
Posted by: RV | February 18, 2010 2:05 PM
"I gotta get me some bigger glue traps."
Posted by: Steve_O | February 18, 2010 6:24 PM
Okay, I understand why they call you "Spike" and you "The Kid," but why on earth do they call YOU "Long Dong Silver"?
Posted by: Steve_O | February 18, 2010 6:25 PM
"I find the process of writing Anti-Captions frustrating, tedious and probably pointless...especially given my gross inability to gracefully articulate my thoughts in light of the strom raging in my head."
Posted by: Joe S. | February 18, 2010 9:12 PM
[Don't worry, Joe S., Strom died back in 2003.]
Posted by: Kathy H | February 19, 2010 5:49 PM
So, he's fumin' 'bout his taxes. What's he fixin' to do, drive his stage coach through the wall?
Posted by: Rosey | February 19, 2010 6:58 PM
I'm powerful hungy. Any o' you fellers hankerin' for Indian tonight?
Posted by: Rosey | February 19, 2010 7:02 PM
"I can already tell this is going to be a tough decision. Each one of you seems equally well-suited for the job of not examining rape kits."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | February 19, 2010 7:47 PM
Some feller name o' Radosh and his two sidekicks done jumped our claim, boys. We're gonna hafta track 'em down.
Posted by: Rosey | February 19, 2010 7:52 PM
You four are the top one percent of deputy trainees in the West. The elite. The best... of the best. I'll make you better.
Posted by: Mike | February 19, 2010 8:21 PM
Why are you lookin' at me cross-eyed? I'm just a baby.
Posted by: Mike | February 19, 2010 8:27 PM
I partook of the free victuals at the Longbranch this mornin' and they wasn't fit fer an animal.
Posted by: Anonymous | February 19, 2010 8:35 PM
"Goddammit, Sgt. Porcupine, we already told you there's no baby. That's just a symptom of your heroin withdrawal."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | February 20, 2010 12:13 AM
Times are hard since the recession and each of these guns has a single bullet in the chamber. I have to kill three of you to make it through the next few months.
Posted by: Dave | February 20, 2010 3:14 PM
"Number one, step forward and empty your pants on the floor."
Posted by: Kim | February 21, 2010 4:21 AM
You been waitin' two weeks fer the circuit judge to pass through these parts. Well, he'll be dispensin' justice tomorrow. Most of you'll be hanged.
Posted by: Jim Cavanaugh | February 21, 2010 4:59 PM