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February 8, 2010

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #228

Harry Effron

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

———Last week's results. ———Rules and tips.


First Place:
"I guess you're wondering why I called you all here today." -- Alan Weld

Second Place:
"Lordy, but I'm proud'a today's haul. Bagged and stuffed myself a squirrel, a coon, a porcupine, 'n' a cowboy. Gurgle." -- Daniel

Third Place:
"I'm cornered." -- mypalmike

Honorable Mention:

"Which one of you shit behind my desk?" -- Austin D

"Gol-durng it, somehow I gots to get all four of you into town, and I can't leave the porcupine alone with the baby, the raccoon alone with the porcupine, or the squirrel alone with the raccoon." -- Trout Almondine

"Which of you rootin' tootin' cowpokes has been stealing the post-it notes?" -- TG GIbbon

Yay references!:

"On the telegraph, nobody knows you're a squirrel, raccoon, porcupine or baby." -- Richard H

"The raccoons here are obese." -- jf


Once more: You each try to write the worst possible caption for this cartoon on my desk here. How fucking hard is that? Oh. You need pens.

NO, I said I needed to get some "pussy", not a "posse". Besides, none of you can shoot a gun very well.

I put peanut butter on it and you all lick it off. How fucking hard is that?
HA! Yes, it is sort of a pun. Good one, baby.

"Stupid taxidermist got the baby all wrong."

"Shoot! We just missed the cut for being a Super Bowl ad."

"I want someone to eat this outlaws' nuts, eat his garbage, stick him with needles, and puke on him. So I'm gonna hire Andy Dick."

"This town's full of nothin' but half-breeds, gypsys, tramps & thieves. If I could turn back time, we'd have killed `em all just like Jesse James. We only got 3 shotguns now, though, so two of you will have to cher."

You got a problem with my penis painting? That there's art, you stupid baby.

I got your proposal for a new animatronic song and dance show. Um... you do know this is Westworld, not Disney World, right?

AL in LA version:

I got your proposal for a new animatronic song and dance show. Um... you do know this is Westworld, a high tech Wild West interactive theme park populated by realistic robots that disastrously goes wrong in a 1973 futuristic action movie written and directed by Michael Crichton and starring Yul Brynner, not Disney World, a popular theme park in Florida featuring rides and attractions based on characters and stories from movies from Walt Disney Studios including many animated films that portray talking and singing animals, right?

JUDGE'S COMMENTS: 25 Words or Less.

I give up. What do a giant raccoon and hunchback baby have in common?

"I can't quit you!"

"'Ga Ga?' That's sounds awfully close to 'draw,' pumpkin."

"Good news, woodland critters, I found this here manchild fer y'all to sacrifice. Hail Satan!"

"wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah waaah. wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah waaah. wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah-wah waaah. wa-a-wa-a-wah, wah wah waaah."

"I bring this meeting of 'things i've killed' to order."

Sheriff Kanin: "Boys, I brought yew in for a special reason t'day. I just hung my creashun on the wall. What yew think?"

Raccoon: "It's, um, nice."

Sheriff Kanin: "That dere is a depicshun of a rock formation in the desert. Made it myself outta wire. It's what yew call abstract-y art."

Squirrel: "Why's there wire sticking out of the frame?"

Sheriff Kanin: *cocks gun* "Allow me to ansur a question wid a question. What's a squirrel know `bout art?"

Squirrel: "Heh, nothing. Total philistine. It's bold."

"I too thought that by now making fun of alinla would be considered a classic"

"So that's two for the mustache and two against it. Fuck it, you know I hate asking the mule."

"Are you the one they call The Kid?"

"Look, I already told you. They ran out of the six-pointed stars, so I had to settle for this one. Shessh!"

[Or...Sheesh!...either way.]

"Geez, I thought when they told me to 'Hurry, there's a rattler in your office'..."

I guess you're wondering why I called you all here today.

"Whoever performs best in the orgy gets to be deputy."

"Black Bart and his gang came by the ranch and sucked mommy's tits dry. Then they ran off with all the nuts and seeds."

"Are y'all sure I can trust you to behave while I'm out? OK. Just don't eat each other's feces and no one touch the iPad on my desk."

The part came down to me and Robert Conrad. So we had us a race...


We're short one Oscar ballot. The show's about to start...

Spiny Norman here had the Saints and the under. Congratulations you lucky s.o.b.

Beats me. This was created with a New Yorker drag-and-drop cartoon kit.

Hey raccoon, you're too fucking fat for this job. Beat it.

I call it "The Arisocrats".

Er, with a t.

"No, Mr. baby, I expect you to bond....with me...cause I'm your pa."

"Shit, I ain't no sheriff. I'm the new animal control officer and Foster Care Supervisor in town."

"Welcome to the 1st Annual Caucus of NAMBLA/Zoophiliacs of the Wild West."

"Festus, looks like we're gonna need more rubbers."

Lucas was having an "It wasn't just the baby that died that day" Trainspotting moment.

"Baby, 'Coon, Squirrelie, I'd like you all to meet Ralph Kramden."

[Take 2] "Baby, Pokie, Squirrelie, I'd like you all to meet Ralph Kramden."

"Good question. I believe when you fill out the census, you have to check the box marked Raccoon-American"

"Now that the sheep are all gone to summer pasture, you know what that means boys...time to cowboy up."

Now, I only have enough guns to deputize three of y'all. So which one of you wants to be my love interest?

"Hmmm. Three shotguns and four things I want to kill. What to do?"

"I can't wait to tell my wife that our orders from the taxidermist are in!"

"Ok, the baby doesn't belong because the other three are animals, and the porcupine has it's pricks on the outside, and it's good only one coon is here to see this,...and...uh...uh....he's my squirrelfriend."

"Them thar pheremones comin' off one a ya is making my Woodrow Wilson cast a mighty shadow."

"I can tell y'all cause none of ya critters can talk, but I boned the shit out of Kitty Carlisle this mornin."

"Free mustache rides!"

"Free mustache rides!"

"That's right boys, Frank Miller's comin' to town. Noonish."

Thanks, but it's just not working for me, especially the porcupine. I'm gonna stick with the gerbil.

"One a ya varmints done smell like bear pussy. Nice work."

"Right boys, you know ah'd shoot an Injun soon as look ah'd at 'em...which one of y'all kin help me figgur out this here iPad?"

Mexican standoff.

[correction] "Right boys, you know ah'd shoot an Injun soon as ah'd look at 'em...which one of y'all kin help me figgur out this here iPad?"

"Which one of you shit behind my desk?"

Blah blah blah cowboy blah blah blah porcupine and a baby blah blah blah homoerotic.

"It's Miss Kitty, you dumbshit, not Kitty Carlisle."

"Look, baby, this here's a decent cartoon, an we ain't gonna tolerate no more of yer self-defecating humor."

I've bin corralled in LA fer a decent spell now 'n
I've growed fond of 'er.

Alright panelists, as soon as Miss Kitty gets here we'll begin this week's episode of What's My Line?

How's about a sasparilla, you crazy bastards?

"Badgers?? Badgers?? We don't need no stinkin' badgers!"

Oh, sheeeit...props to Dex...

Wendell had only three squares left on the sheet for the big game....will he speak now or wait until the shit hits the fan?

"Isn't that just like a wop babt? Brings a rattle to a gun fight."

"...and remember, as a decoy you don't make the arrest. Just get the money from the John, and then we'll move in."

The squirrel, the raccoon, the porcupine and the rattler all met for the intervention. They were not sure how the sheriff would take the news that his boots were too feminine.

Hold still dammit while I figure out which one of you makes the best area rug.

(Unsettlingly long silence.)

After his success with the turducken, the sheriff looked forward to making a porcusquirbabycoon.

Finally, the sheriff made sense of what his silent friends were signaling about the outsider: "Nuts, it's that coon, Spike Wee".

"Now, Trig, I don't wanna talk ill of your mama, but, I declare, she must be some sorta retard."

On a slow day for crime, the sheriff indulges in his twin philias - zoo and pedo.

I'm not a veterinarian or a pediatrician, I'm a dad-gum cowboy. Can't you see by my outfit?

It would be a year or two before one of them would realize that there was a picture of an erect penis on the sheriff's wall. Sadly, he would need to kill the child soon.

Having rid the town of crime, the sheriff opens a combination petting zoo/day-care center to help make ends meet.

"Well, boys, in the last scene I get to ride into the sunset with Grace Kelly. But, since she's been dead for near 28 years, that kinda puts a damper on the festivities."

"Listen up. Today I'll be implementin' our new policy. It's called Dumbass, Don't Tell."

"I'm about to show you a wanted poster with a puppy on it. I made it because I really want a puppy."

The judges didn't give Wyatt a ticket to Deadwood, though the obnoxious British baby reluctantly admitted Spurs on the Ground could become a hit.

In the town jail
there was an antelope skull.
A porcupine quill
And a pine of -
five cent swill

A shotgun rack
And a frame hanging by a tack
A sheriff dressed in black
With his ten gallon hat.
A spittoon pail
And a chipmunk tail.

Goodnight quill
Goodnight swill
Goodnight rack
Goodnight frame hanging by a tack.

Goodnight sheriff dressed in black
Goodnight to his ten gallon hat.
Goodnight pail and the chipmunk tail.
Goodnight to everyone sleeping one off in the jail.

It wasn't until the eagle snatched the baby and flew away with it firmly in its talons, that the Sheriff finally replaced the saloon doors.

Why it burp?

This here's a sting, boys. I'm runnin' all you pedophile varmints out of town.

"I don't believe what I'm seeing. Where you been all your lives? Listening to Mick Jagger music and bad-mouthing your country?"

"No no no...today is free RABIES shots, not...aww what the heck...c'mon and pull down your diaper..."

"You'll get your bottle after you crawl across that floor and kiss my boots."

"You see, a congenital defect in my eye done cause me to see everything upside-down. Just look at my painting of a uvula."

"Deputize this, Whore-baby."

"I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we are doing a story about predators who try to meet infants and animals for sex. What was your plan here today, Sheriff?"

The raccoons here are obese.

"Eeny meeny miny mo!. Looks like I'm wiping my ass with you again, Squirrel."

———Where———d ya find the animals, Carson?———

"I reckon I shouldn't a fumigated the rental out back... brings out the darndest varmints."

"So what if it is an Eye of Providence? What's it to ya? At least I got here on two legs..."

"Goldarn infant, not one inch more... at least your furry friends know when to step off."

The sheriff stood there, paralyzed by his fear of varmints, while the image of his infant's carcass being picked to pieces raced through his head.

His fear of rabies and hatred of children exacerbated by the lingering effects of tequila, the sheriff pondered how quickly he could empty his sidearm.

The sheriff turns to animal therapy in a desperate attempt to reach his autistic son, but the little buckeroo remains fixated on his rattle.

Ughhhhh... I don't feel so good... [PROJECTILE VOMIT FOLLOWS]

I'm OKAY Rigatoni, you nutty bitch. How's that irritable bowel syndrome treating you?

Don't be discouraged l'il fellers. Zach Kanin's only 5' 3" and he drew us all right here outta his 'magination!

We gotta serve a 'cease & desist' on some dude named Rados in the Czech Republic...

"How did that oppossum I shaved get a bonnet and diaper?"

"It's my job to mesh these diverse talents into a fightin' machine. Shit!"

"What in tarnation is casting these shadows? Must be the dadgum Krazy Glue fumes..."

"Well now, buckaroos... all saddled up for the teabagger rally?"

"My wife, Josie, blew an opiated, wank-happy, Charlie train-track-layer in exchange for his wok. Short straw is getting sweet and soured."

"I don't buy it, Mervyn... you DID promise me a Japanese rock garden."

(oops, my bad, a misfire... scratch the last one and please don't disqualify me...)

If'n you boys will turn yer eyes to the picture on the wall to m' right, you will note that the crack on thattere wall is continued thar in the picture. Hella meta, ain't it?

"I'd like to deputize you all but there's only three rifles."

"I'd like to help you Mr. sherrif man but I can't work with these animals."

"Lordy, but I'm proud'a today's haul. Bagged and stuffed myself a squirrel, a coon, a porcupine, 'n' a cowboy. Gurgle."

"Now, varmints, time for a little game I call 'Fuck, Marry or Kill.'"

"Gol-durng it, somehow I gots to get all four of you into town, and I can't leave the porcupine alone with the baby, the raccoon alone with the porcupine, or the squirrel alone with the raccoon."

"Sorry, guys, there are four of you, and I only have three rifles. Two of you are going to have to be 'Injuns.'"

RV's entry, and Daniel's above two above, are mind-blowingly good.

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to cry."

Now hold on there one minute. I just gotta write down these lyrics afore I forget 'em:

He was born a little baby on the Appalachian Trail
At six months old he'd
done three months in jail
He robbed a bank in his diapers and little bare baby feet
All he said was "Folks my name is Outlaw Pete"
I'm Outlaw Pete, I'm Outlaw Pete, can you hear me?

"On the telegraph, nobody knows you're a squirrel, raccoon, porcupine or baby."

Aspiring entertainers wait nervously at a Ukranian Idol regional audition.

"I'm cornered."

[Also, Ukranian Idol was me.]

"Boys, this here is a office desk. It came from the future! I put this stuff on it, just like it was real wood, and look. It stays there! And inside, I found something called K-Y Jelly!"

"Welcome to Spic and Stan's Rifle Emporium. Lo siento, Spic no esta aqui."

Awrighty then..i got me two brand new stents. Now which one of y'all are gonna c'mon over here and gimme a blow job...

"Are you pulling my lariat? Valentine's Day got no stars in the New York Post? Now, don't that beat all?"

OR (working link):....Valentine's Day

"I bet a Choktaw squaw's merkin that one you little critters has working pussy for daddy."

"Dang it! Conjugal visits are on Saturdays only!"

Just because I'm the only biped in the club doesn't mean I should always be the one who has to wear the Galoshes of Shame.

"Shut up or I'll nail my other hand to the desk."

As he weighed his options, the sheriff came to regret closing the brothel.

Wasilla, you crazy bastards. The little retard is from Wasilla.

"Whatever falls through the cracks better not land on them Jews."

ANOTHER WEEK WITHOUT TITS?! Y'all as useless as hind teats on a worthog.

Too bad y'all got Judge "Hang'em Harry F-in High" prizahdin' this week. You'd a been let off with a bland blog comment and a fine for too many words if Judge "Fee-Yoot-Al in La La Land" wuz sittin' on the bench..."

Budget cuts sent Ol'Nellie to the glue factory. One of you can wear my saddle, here on in. The rest of ya'll, I'm sorry to say, will have to join her.

"SWM 40 (T-Stone, AZ & vicinity) -- Lawman seeks G,S or B LTR. Loves outdoors, organic food, cuddling. D/D Free, Non-Smoker. No pretentions. Not afraid to show emotions. Must be down-to earth. Teeth optional."

[Happy Valentine's Day Anti-Cappers!!!]

"Aren't you the cutest little thing! No, not you, baby; I was talking to the porcupine, asshole."

"Aren't you the cutest little thing! No, not you, baby; I was talking to the porcupine, asshole."


Holy mother, what's going to
come out next!


"You want me to apologize for calling y'all retarded? Fuck you, I was being satirical."

"So a priest porcupine, a minister squirrel, a pastor baby, and a raccoon rabbi walk into a bar..."

Why can't you shit outside like the rest of these critters?

These boots is almost wore out and much as I hate to mix and match, two of you is gonna be my new ones.

Yeah, that's a sad story kid, but afore I kin put you out of your misery, I got to kill these other critters.

We need a new kickball down to the school house, any volunteers?

No, I'm not gonna help you, less'n you bribe me first.

"No rattles or quills; we don't want to alert the bad guys that we're coming."

"Howdy, squirrel. Howdy, coon. Howdy, porky-pine. Oh, shit. Howdy, baby. Guessin' your mama sent you here for the child support."

"The number one rule of border protection is shoot first, then ask questions."

"Deputy Porcupine, this job requires a backbone, son."

"Now there, boys, which one of ya finished my Pace picante sauce?"

"I guess y'all didn't take kindly to 'two legs good, four legs bad'?"

"Y'all look a lot older in person than in yer Craigslist ad..."

(P.S. Two weeks = ten caption limit, right???)

"I'll give you child support when you take it from my cold, dead hands!"

"Li'l feller, when I said I was gonna beat the stuffing outta yer friends, I meant it literally!"

"Dangit...this is definately not the time to be wonderin' if I left the garage door open today!"

"Johnny B? Kathy H? dwilk?Francis? I want y'all to tell them other Anti-Cappers that there's gonna be some law in this here town."

(I've posted the highly controversial, unofficial mid-way results on my blog. See for yourself!)

"What? Why y'all staring at me that-a-way? I'll be judging the anti-caption contest when I damn well please!"

"In Russia, animals and baby arrest you, Sheriff!"

"Listen here, woodland critters, and heed my advice. Make off with this manchild for your human sacrifice," said the sheriff in the ten-gallon hat.

[Rewrite inspired by al in la.]

"Come on, this is a joke, right? A whiner, a prick, a masked man and a nut-sucker walk into a sheriff's office..."

You know, from this angle it *does* look like I might have hung that baby gate a little bit high.

Off off camera, Herve Villachez chirps "De plains, De plains." Ricardo Montaban, dressed in Corinthian chaps, encourages "Scooties, everyone, scooties"

(Now that's some funny shit)

"Which of you rootin' tootin' cowpokes has been stealing the post-it notes?"

"What say we mosey on down to the saloon for some nuts, garbage, snapple, milk, and whiskey?"

"I don't know, but unless it's some kind of giant eagle or a time machine I really don't think it's worth my time trying to guess how you all got here today."

"What makes you think deputy Fievel wants to go home just because Alexander III is dead?"

"Look, Baby, I've worked with cowpokes who were wet behind the ears, but never, ever, one who was wet behind the behind."

"What, ain't y'all never seen a grown man piss hisself afore?"

"There's a new sheriff incontinent..."

"Jumpin Jehosaphats, I shoulda known I was askin' for trouble when I poured whiskey on them Sea Monkeys!"

"This is precisely the kinda pre-dicament where I'd take off on the spur of the moment, if only my spurs waren't so small..."

I'd kick that porcupine if my spurs weren't tangled.

Where is the damn gopher I ordered?

Those swinging doors are going to allow a lot of flies in here come Spring.

I swear if that baby eats one more of my critters, I'm gonna... well, do something I'm sure.

If only I had bought that gatling gun instead.

Since this contest is lasting twice as long as normal, I've submitted twice as many captions.
If this is bad, then please note that I'm feeling twice the remorse.

"You're right, Baby. That snowboard halfpipe sure does look cool. But, since it's 105 degrees here in Butt Gultch, Arizona, maybe you should set your sights elsewhere."

"I know it's been tough here during Deadwood week, but I have the decision for all of you in this room............It's the end of the line- you're not going through to the next round. Except for you, Seacrest- now drop your rattle and show them out, cuddles.

"I gotta get me some bigger glue traps."

Okay, I understand why they call you "Spike" and you "The Kid," but why on earth do they call YOU "Long Dong Silver"?

"I find the process of writing Anti-Captions frustrating, tedious and probably pointless...especially given my gross inability to gracefully articulate my thoughts in light of the strom raging in my head."

[Don't worry, Joe S., Strom died back in 2003.]

So, he's fumin' 'bout his taxes. What's he fixin' to do, drive his stage coach through the wall?

I'm powerful hungy. Any o' you fellers hankerin' for Indian tonight?

"I can already tell this is going to be a tough decision. Each one of you seems equally well-suited for the job of not examining rape kits."

Some feller name o' Radosh and his two sidekicks done jumped our claim, boys. We're gonna hafta track 'em down.

You four are the top one percent of deputy trainees in the West. The elite. The best... of the best. I'll make you better.

Why are you lookin' at me cross-eyed? I'm just a baby.

I partook of the free victuals at the Longbranch this mornin' and they wasn't fit fer an animal.

"Goddammit, Sgt. Porcupine, we already told you there's no baby. That's just a symptom of your heroin withdrawal."

Times are hard since the recession and each of these guns has a single bullet in the chamber. I have to kill three of you to make it through the next few months.

"Number one, step forward and empty your pants on the floor."

You been waitin' two weeks fer the circuit judge to pass through these parts. Well, he'll be dispensin' justice tomorrow. Most of you'll be hanged.

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