The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #187
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
First place
"Relax, I'm not a thief. I'm just an out-of-work mime, bringing a sack of sine waves to an 'Eyes Wide Shut'-style orgy." —Tim C.
Second place
"Well, that settles it - Wells Fargo wins the award for faggiest wallpaper."—Damon
Third place
"Help! I am a poorly dressed charity worker bringing relief funds to an orphanage, and I am being attacked by a handsome thief who can fly!"—Francis
Honorable mention
"A thief casually strolls past a Fifteenth-century fresco of a sword wielding angel."
OR
"An angel flies past a Twentieth-century fresco of a thief from a Nancy cartoon. Nancy not shown." —Harris
"Lay off, wouldya, this is a time when the bases of the Republican party have to come together."—TG Gibbon
"This is going to be the best non-topical costume party ever! Chips and dip are up and to the right."—Christian
"If I were you, I'd be more concerned with what's coming through that portal above your head."—therblig
"You know, when Bush was running things, the guy who had your job used to give me a ride home AND a blow job." —al in la
Comments
Really? Well you go tell Pelosi to piss off. NONE of this is TARP money.
Posted by: skeeelz | March 30, 2009 11:10 AM
"Hey, Chad, it's me, Fitzy, you know, class of '86. Go bulldogs!"
"Hey, churchy, nice dress!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 30, 2009 11:12 AM
"It's because I'm etnic, isn't it?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 30, 2009 11:14 AM
"This is going to be the best non-topical costume party ever! Chips and dip are up and to the right."
Posted by: Christian | March 30, 2009 11:14 AM
"Lay off, wouldya, this is a time when the bases of the Republican party have to come together."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 30, 2009 11:17 AM
"`Believe' by Cher. Very nice entry tune, Captain Fag Sword."
Posted by: Damon | March 30, 2009 11:18 AM
"Help! I am a poorly dressed charity worker bringing relief funds to an orphanage, and I am being attacked by a handsome thief who can fly!"
Posted by: Francis | March 30, 2009 11:20 AM
"Hooboy. You're flaming alright."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | March 30, 2009 11:24 AM
"Sine thief finally gets whats coming to him. Epically and repeatedly. "
Posted by: Anonymous | March 30, 2009 11:28 AM
"Oh, shit, it's Ozymandias! Who watches the Watchmen? I said WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN???"
Posted by: Francis | March 30, 2009 11:30 AM
"Damn. I keep forgetting to take that dollar sign off this bag."
Posted by: Tim H | March 30, 2009 11:31 AM
mine^
"Wish I could sidestep this attack. Curse you 2D world!"
Posted by: Brian L | March 30, 2009 11:31 AM
I would like to apologize for my commenting failure.
Posted by: Brian L | March 30, 2009 11:33 AM
"Hey can you use that flaming sword to get rid of this stubble? I just can't find a razor that gives me a really nice, smooth shave."
Posted by: Francis | March 30, 2009 11:34 AM
(Please add a comma to the foregoing, after "hey".)
Posted by: Francis | March 30, 2009 11:35 AM
Aw, cut me a break! When Estelle Getty died, I really hit rock bottom.
Posted by: LK | March 30, 2009 11:40 AM
Relax, I'm not a thief. I'm just an out-of-work mime, bringing a sack of sine waves to an "Eyes Wide Shut"-style orgy.
Posted by: Tim C. | March 30, 2009 11:52 AM
A thief casually strolls past a Fifteenth-century fresco of a sword wielding angel.
OR
An angel flies past a Twentieth-century fresco of a thief from a Nancy cartoon. Nancy not shown.
Posted by: Harris | March 30, 2009 11:52 AM
"Da coppers here are Surtrian."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | March 30, 2009 11:55 AM
"I keep telling you -- you want to succeed in the clip-art racket, you gotta lose the flaming sword. An angel gets used all the time -- Christmas, charity stories, what-have-you. But what story needs an angel with a flaming sword? Whoops -- there's my pager. Gotta go illustrate a Penny Saver op-ed about AIG. Later."
Posted by: Tim C. | March 30, 2009 11:57 AM
“Your flying fuck needs work.”
Posted by: Rob | March 30, 2009 12:17 PM
"Know what that halo says? `Halo - I'm queer.'"
Posted by: Damon | March 30, 2009 12:29 PM
The audio nerd in me votes for the "sack of sine waves" submission.
Posted by: Arthur | March 30, 2009 12:32 PM
“I may be on the wrong side of the law, but my thumbs are on the right side of my hands”
Posted by: Rob | March 30, 2009 12:36 PM
"Good lucky trying to stab me with that prosthetic right hand on your left arm."
Posted by: mypalmike | March 30, 2009 12:36 PM
/s/lucky/luck/
Posted by: mypalmike | March 30, 2009 12:40 PM
So, Barsotti finally ran out of dog jokes.
Posted by: therblig | March 30, 2009 12:44 PM
If I were you, I'd be more concerned with what's coming through that portal above your head.
Posted by: therblig | March 30, 2009 12:49 PM
"Ha ha. Fruity Avenger, looks like your taser's shorting out again."
Posted by: mort drucker | March 30, 2009 12:53 PM
"Why do I have the terrible feeling that Scrooge McDuck is behind all of this?"
Posted by: mort drucker | March 30, 2009 12:55 PM
"Clarence, don't you recognize me? It's George -- George Bailey -- and I'm just bringing some dough over to my Bailey Building and Loan."
Posted by: Kathy H | March 30, 2009 12:58 PM
"Your nose's noble angularity makes me feel insecure. And that's why I embarked on a life of crime. That, plus the $"
Posted by: mdoyle | March 30, 2009 12:59 PM
"Password? Password? Is it 'SWORDFISH'?"
Posted by: Tim H | March 30, 2009 1:00 PM
“What’s in the bag? Nessie’s in the bag. Read the logo, asshole!”
Posted by: Rob | March 30, 2009 1:01 PM
"You ain't one of them Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, are you?"
Posted by: Kathy H | March 30, 2009 1:02 PM
"Way to profile, Gabriel. Clearly I am only dropping dirty laundry off before going to my Zoro audition. Perhaps if you paid more attention to details, like the lack of a double slash through the S on my bag you might serve the community better!
FYI, the 'S' is really a 'Z' and I WILL get that part!"
Posted by: mort drucker | March 30, 2009 1:05 PM
"TOXIC ASSET AVENGER: THE MUSICAL? You've got to be kidding."
Posted by: Richard H | March 30, 2009 1:10 PM
"Hey, I wouldn't talk. I mean, neither one of us really got a good nose job. Capische?"
Posted by: Tim H | March 30, 2009 1:13 PM
"Let's pretend I'm Kenneth Lewis of Bank of America and you're Timothy Geithner. Now will you let me go?"
Posted by: Richard H | March 30, 2009 1:14 PM
"Let me get this straight... you're omniscient and you think I'M ripping off the bank?"
(potential legit contest entry)
Posted by: mort drucker | March 30, 2009 1:16 PM
'Gabriel, you're late for the pickup. Da boss don't like it when people are late. Waddya been dancing on a pin wit yer gay buddies?"
Posted by: m | March 30, 2009 1:21 PM
thought balloon above robber
"I'm smitten."
(above entry was a drucker)
Posted by: mort drucker | March 30, 2009 1:22 PM
"What kinda fag-tag is that?"
"Heh. I'd be scared if you weren't two-dimensional. Come back when you're more than just a line drawing."
Posted by: MAtt | March 30, 2009 1:36 PM
"Curses! You got me. I...hey, wait. Haven't I seen you at the 92nd Street Y?"
"Indeed not! I am Sissyfuss! Behold my Vaseline-Coated Sword of Gaydor!"
"Really? And you're sure you've never been down at the Y?"
"Absolutely not! I've been sent from Valhalla to smite thee!"
"Never been there? Never eaten there?"
"I've told you already, mortal, I've never been to nor...oh, I see what you're doing. Stop pissing off Sissyfuss!"
Posted by: Damon | March 30, 2009 1:48 PM
Excuse me, swarthy little man. Do you know the way to the bank? I need to put my flaming sword in a safety deposit box. You don't? Good day to you, sir.
Posted by: bunsen | March 30, 2009 2:01 PM
Are you an archangel seeking the fallen? Cause my fallen arches are killin' me.
Posted by: therblig | March 30, 2009 2:26 PM
"Why do you keep shouting, 'Lightning bolt!?'"
Posted by: mypalmike | March 30, 2009 2:43 PM
"Faggot."
Posted by: J.D. | March 30, 2009 3:36 PM
Lady, your sword's on fire.
Posted by: Matt | March 30, 2009 3:36 PM
"Now go lop off God's other testicle. The matched set will fetch us a pretty penny on eBay."
Posted by: J.D. | March 30, 2009 3:44 PM
"Well, that settles it - Wells Fargo wins the award for faggiest wallpaper."
Posted by: Damon | March 30, 2009 3:54 PM
Bob Hoskins wonders why he ever agreed to make a movie with Fabio
Posted by: Richard H | March 30, 2009 4:19 PM
"Buddy, I think you dropped your fork."
"This is the worst New Yorker caption contest yet."
"When The Angel of Death - comes down after you
Can you smile and say - that you have been true?
Can you truthfully say - with your dying breath
That you're ready to meet - the Angel of death?
That's the immortal Hank Williams, pal. Now get outta my way."
"On the internet, no one knows you're a god."
When the [E] lights all grow dim - and the [A] dark shadows [E] creep
And then your loved ones - are gathered to [B7] weep
Can you [E] face them and say - with [A] your dying [E] breath
That you're ready to meet - the [B7] Angel of [E] Death.
Posted by: JohnnyB | March 30, 2009 4:21 PM
**Disregard that last part of the song**
Posted by: JohnnyB | March 30, 2009 4:22 PM
"Oh great. Circumcision Man. Last time I rob a bank in Himey Town."
Posted by: J.D. | March 30, 2009 4:35 PM
Don't look like much to me, but if the wifey says it's worth a bag-o-money to have Damien Hirst doodle on our wall, then it's worth a bag-o-money to have Damien Hirst doodle on our wall.
Posted by: npm | March 30, 2009 5:14 PM
".....'shape without form, shade without color, paralyzed force, gesture without motion'......so far, so good....."
Posted by: Anonymous | March 30, 2009 5:40 PM
Uh oh - looks like this bank bandit is about to meet his match! It's up to you to finish coloring the Justice Angel. Hurry! Don't let the robber get away!
Highlights for Kids Magazine, Issue #187
Posted by: Damon | March 30, 2009 6:27 PM
Move along... Move along SEC...nothing to see here...
Posted by: simsburybear | March 30, 2009 6:30 PM
- Lines and colors combined in a particular way, certain forms and relations of form stir our aesthetic emotions....These do not. -
Posted by: Clive Bell | March 30, 2009 6:37 PM
Thanks to stereotyping, people looking at this are going to think I'm the mugger.
Posted by: David | March 30, 2009 6:57 PM
You know your left hand is on backwards, right?
Posted by: David | March 30, 2009 7:00 PM
- Ugh-a-Wretch vs. Ick-a-Sketch -
Posted by: Sam L. | March 30, 2009 7:01 PM
"Goddamned religious graffiti junking up the neighborhood. Jesus."
Posted by: Deborah | March 30, 2009 7:24 PM
"Yo ! 'Still, ill-brandished blade of whiteness' ! You 'postured nil of violence... or slow mime' !"
Posted by: John Keats | March 30, 2009 7:28 PM
"This bag of electromagnetic waves sure is heavy."
"Wanna trade noses?"
Posted by: Harry | March 30, 2009 7:30 PM
"I'm confused. The halo says angel, but the nose says jew."
Posted by: al in la | March 30, 2009 7:58 PM
"I'm confused. The halo says angel, but the nose says jew."
Posted by: al in la | March 30, 2009 7:58 PM
"Just like a flying fudge packer to bring a flaming knife to a freaking robbery..."
Posted by: Rob | March 30, 2009 8:01 PM
"While you were committing profitable crimes, I mugged Willie Aames."
Posted by: d | March 30, 2009 8:08 PM
"Yo, you 'still, ill-brandished blade of brightness'...you poster-nil of violence and 'show' mime !"
Posted by: J. Keats | March 30, 2009 8:16 PM
"O.K, right ! You goddit ! Now, you tell me, do that seem like it's 'fo mo', man ? Freaking Hochuli, man ! Freaking 'Broncos' ! Freaking Cutler, man -- standing up like he was, what, some freaking cigar-store Indian, man !"
Posted by: Sam L. | March 30, 2009 9:04 PM
"Okay, okay! I'll return my million dollar bonus."
Posted by: Dave | March 30, 2009 9:36 PM
"Dude, please, I can see right up your dress."
Posted by: J.D. | March 30, 2009 10:17 PM
Hey angel, what's your sine?
Posted by: klarabell | March 30, 2009 11:07 PM
What's the first rule of Smite Club?
Posted by: therblig | March 30, 2009 11:11 PM
Nobody's safe from these Los Angeles gangs!
Cherubim or Seraphim?
I'll sing to the Feds like a castrati...
That a reusable bag?
Posted by: Handbell Lecter | March 30, 2009 11:20 PM
"Oh shit! The flaming vibrator I used when I assraped his wife!"
Posted by: Virgil | March 31, 2009 12:13 AM
"Okay, first the feathered buttplug and then the fist. But no kissing."
Posted by: J.D. | March 31, 2009 12:15 AM
"It's days like this that I just feel so... white."
Posted by: Mort | March 31, 2009 12:18 AM
"You know, when Bush was running things, the guy who had your job used to give me a ride home AND a blow job."
Posted by: al in la | March 31, 2009 12:36 AM
You right. Cutler looked like some damned wooden 'Redskins' back there.
Posted by: Canadian Football League | March 31, 2009 12:59 AM
"Note to self: Never buy acid from a street mime.."
"I'm really not a bad guy... I was drawn this way..."
"I brought along a couple of midgets... do you mind?"
"How did you know it was me? I was wearing a disguise!"
"You look Fabio-so!"
Posted by: Johnny V | March 31, 2009 6:40 AM
"You're pricing yourself out of the market, Brisman."
"Curses, snatched again. That stylized weapon reminds me of something familiar, but I can't recall jus' twat it is."
Posted by: LV | March 31, 2009 9:41 AM
Relax. I'm using the money to stage my one man "Angels in America--The Musical" in my mother's basement.
Posted by: boneguy | March 31, 2009 9:42 AM
Dude, flying overhead with no underwear. Uncool.
Posted by: pessimist | March 31, 2009 10:47 AM
"Ed Asner, in a role that may surpise you."
Posted by: R.K. | March 31, 2009 10:59 AM
"My work here is done, including giving you a wedgie- apparently you've already taken care of that."
Posted by: MShaw | March 31, 2009 12:11 PM
"Huh: I'm kicking it old school, but you seem to feel the need to put a po-mo twist on things."
"My guilty conscience is so gay."
Posted by: MShaw | March 31, 2009 12:15 PM
"Oh, this? I'm just heading over to Yankee Stadium to put a down payment on a hot dog."
Posted by: Kathy H | March 31, 2009 12:35 PM
"I swear. My favorite sitcom of all time...'WINGS'
."Posted by: Kathy H | March 31, 2009 12:40 PM
[St. Michael is the patron saint of the warrior. In extended reference, he has come to be regarded as the patron of police officers in Christian lands, the more so as it has been reported of this saint to have in more than one instance extended his beneficence so far as physically to interdict a criminal in the very course of his nefarious activity.]
Posted by: Wikipedia Guy | March 31, 2009 1:02 PM
"I'll have you know this is a sandbag headed for Fargo, Mr. Jump-to-Conclusions."
Posted by: TK | March 31, 2009 2:14 PM
[At the nadir of its public repute, hew and cry against Reagonite 'deregulation' was such that it inspired parodies like that above in which a lifeless and almost entirely vitiated entity(reproduced here from crude graffiti -circa 2009 A.D. - rendered at the Canal St., lower Manhattan, New York City) could be posited as practically society's sole bastion against the criminal practitioner.]
Posted by: Wikipedia Guy | March 31, 2009 3:37 PM
The teacher said, "Draw an acute triangle with banking curves, Robby..."
I thought she said," Draw a cute trying angel curbing a bank robbery." Boy, do I need to pay attention.
Posted by: Johnny V | March 31, 2009 5:39 PM
"Not again!"
Posted by: karl | March 31, 2009 5:56 PM
"Dollar? I hardly even know'er!"
Posted by: Harry | March 31, 2009 5:58 PM
"I won't ask if you don't tell."
Posted by: Richard H | March 31, 2009 7:15 PM
"You get a sword, flaming, no less, done quite nicely....and my idiot can't properly complete a dollar sign!"
Posted by: Greg | March 31, 2009 7:20 PM
"Can't say I care for this
Fremont Street Experience."
Posted by: Greg | March 31, 2009 7:21 PM
“What’s this—Shock and Awe; the sequel?”
Posted by: Rob | March 31, 2009 8:19 PM
"It's all about bucks, kid. The rest is conversation."
Posted by: al in la | March 31, 2009 8:25 PM
[Is it true that the catchy and eccentric "Shock and Awe" was a direct reference to what Jewish mystics refer to as Shekinah, the immense power of God or the resting place of the immense power of God (as in a temple or in the Ark of the Covenant)? Just asking.]
Posted by: J.D. | March 31, 2009 9:07 PM
You got it all wrong, this is a sine curve bag.
Posted by: lawrence | March 31, 2009 9:08 PM
J.D.
No, that would be "Schlock and Awe."
Posted by: Rob | April 1, 2009 7:12 AM
At least I got a great deal on this sack of cosines -- it appears everyone's after the sines. And I don't think new magnets will help you out: your sword is probably just above the Curie temperature -- maybe if you just let it cool off, your old magnetic sheath would probably work fine.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | April 1, 2009 12:14 PM
"Lookin' 'Wpa-ish'. W-P-A ish, Guido ! ...Whoa. Yous del'cate, yeah ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | April 1, 2009 1:47 PM
"How are you fixed for blades?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 1, 2009 5:27 PM
"Yo, Jabberwock! That sword ain't exactly vorpal
, if you get my drift."Posted by: Kathy H | April 1, 2009 5:31 PM
"I know, I know. I got a five o'clock shadow. But ain't this a bit drastic?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 1, 2009 5:37 PM
"Wow. I thought I was crudely drawn."
Posted by: mort drucker | April 1, 2009 9:34 PM
"Kinda wide-hipped for a guy, ain't ya?"
Posted by: R.K. | April 2, 2009 12:57 AM
New, improved 'realism': "Wpa-ish : W-P-A-I-S-H ! ...Geez, Guido, grow some skin, why doncha !"
Posted by: Sam L. | April 2, 2009 1:16 PM
"Good work, Angel of Social Security and PIN Numbers."
Posted by: David John | April 2, 2009 7:53 PM
"I earned every dime of this. Didn't you read my
op-ed piece in the Times?"
Posted by: al in la | April 2, 2009 9:42 PM
Oh, this must be my Craigslist thief-n-hero rape fetish hookup. I sure hope I remember the safeword before he tries any crazy insertions with that sword.
Posted by: Weller | April 3, 2009 5:09 PM
"And when you go to prison, expect more flaming swords thrust into you!"
Posted by: Mike K | April 4, 2009 1:24 AM
"If only there was a third dimension I could use to evade this armed Angel!"
Posted by: Vince | April 4, 2009 4:10 AM
"That skirt makes you look gay."
Posted by: Mork | April 4, 2009 2:32 PM
Look, I didn't know she was only thirteen.
Posted by: Shawn | April 4, 2009 11:22 PM
"Good news, boss--I just robbed the Church of Satan!"
Posted by: David F | April 5, 2009 1:01 AM
"No, I didn't see Hard Candy. Why?"
Posted by: Justin | April 5, 2009 11:12 AM
"Actually, I'm not a burglar, and you're not an angel. We're both 'dolls', humans who've had their memories wiped, then reprogrammed to believe that we possess the character traits of others. Yeah, I don't find it especially persuasive, either."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 5, 2009 11:55 AM
"Why not Bil Keane?"
Posted by: Tim C. | April 5, 2009 11:58 AM
"You get drawn by Gahan Wilson, then let's see how you turn out."
Posted by: tony spicuzza | April 5, 2009 11:23 PM
"You mind moving aside? I'm not comfortable walkin' under your skirt."
Posted by: Richard | April 6, 2009 1:02 AM