March 23, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #186

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


First place
"Hey, which one of you sons of bitches left this in front of my house? I specifically smeared my doorposts in blood so I would NOT receive menus!" —gary

Second place
"My people: God will deliver...but there's a $20 minimum and he won't go above East 83rd Street." —al in la

Third place
"NO! One commandment, each person! No share!" —Damon

Honorable mention
"I can't believe it's not Buddah!" —Johnny V

"He said we can take one commandment from column "A", one from column "B" and one from "C". We can have no other take out before his, but an hour later we will want a new settlement in the Promised Land." — JohnnyB

"I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?" —Harris

"Apparently we're placing our seder tables all wrong, and the bad feng shui is hurting us as a people." —LV

"Just out of curiosity, which of these Asian characters would you say makes for the hottest tramp stamp?" —t.a.m.s.y. |

"They'll do all our laundry too! Cheap!" — J.D.

"Alright, so it has a few chinks..." —Kathy H

"It's a good thing there are no 'Hamites' here to see this." —Sam L.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Just out of curiosity, which of these Asian characters would you say makes for the hottest tramp stamp?"

He said we can take one commandment from column "A", one from column "B" and one from "C". We can have no other take out before his, but an hour later we will want a new settlement in the Promised Land.

The good news is, shellfish and pork are back on the good list.

"Hey, which one of you sons of bitches left this in front of my house? I specifically smeared my doorposts in blood so I would NOT receive menus!"

“But you shall witness thy real stones when I disrobe.”

"It's a condition of their bailout of the federal reserve. You'll get used to it."

So far, we have equal votes for Chinese, for Pizza and for manna. Why can't you Jews ever reach a consensus?

Number 10: Thou shalt eat mu shu pork only when no one is looking.

"Seriously, 食物? Thou shalt food things? What kind of commandment is that?"

“I just carried these tablets down from Mt. Sinai, and boy are my arms tired!”

So that's the ark, up there on your left. Then I wrote down the specs he gave me in cubit measurements. Let's get to work before the rain starts, people.

"Jesus Christ, it's hot in this desert! What? What did I say?"

"Thou shalt not eat MSG"

"Hey guys, look! Shlomo ordered the Pu Pu Platter!!! Oh man, that is rich."

"Oy! Mein beck!! Mein beck!!! Vy didn't I hire someone to do this heffy lifting? Vat did I think I was, some veightlifter?"

"NO! One commandment, each person! No share!"

This God's commandments are either from Column A or Column B.

"Since nobody here speaks Chinese, I will tell you what I think these tablets might possibly say. So this is strictly off record..."

It says "Happy Birthday Daniel!" Lord, what's so special about him?

Oy. I think there's lead in these things.

I brought a couple of tablets. Do you mind?

My Lord, your people are hungry.

What you say is true. They starve.

What will you do?

I will send a holy messenger to them, who will bring nourishment. And it will be prepared in front of them, as if by the hands of God...

*bolt of lightning down to Earth*

"Woah - that was fuckin' awesome! So, hey, I'm Kyle, from Long Beach. If you've never ordered from Benihana's before, lemme show you how it works..."

And if you go up about twenty feet, you'll see my inspiration: The Great Burning Bowl of Ramen.

"I call it a 'blog.' It's going to blow cuneiform away!"

"Uh oh, you mean I've had these upside down the entire time?"

"Lose Weight - Ask Me How!"

"The Horeb here is unseen."

"If you look closely, it's a very good time-share opportunity."

"It's a good thing there are no 'Hamites' here to see this."

"Welcome to Sandals®, folks!"

"Ching chong, ching chong."

"Alright, so it has a few chinks..."

"That's right. This is the entire guest line-up for Conan's first week."

Merry Christmas, everyone!

"For the last friekin' time, I don't want to know if you are ordering 'lo mein and fried rice'; tell me the goddamn number!"

"And I say Chosan ! C-H-O-S-A-N people ! That Korea."

Christ, what a cǎoshū

"It's actually a Mad Fold-in. See? `Thou shall kill. Thou shall commit adultery. Thou shall steal.' And God's picture turns into a hairy vagina."

"That last one says 'Thou shalt chop off the end of your penis.' It appears to be written in the language of those people from the East with really short penises."

Thou shalt not kill, you crazy bastards!

"Behold! The Lord has commanded me to come down off the mountain and ask if anyone can translate this for him. Apparently his far-east language skills are pretty rusty."

"...and Moses came down from the mountain, and confused the shit out of a lot of people."

On the one hand, this new plastic decalogue is much easier to hoist over my head like this. On the other hand, I'm going to die from melamine poisoning.

I'm so excited, I just took a crap!

"Read it from left to right...No! Read it from my left, not your left...Yes, still start at the top...No, read from the left tablet - my left - and start on the right column of the tablet...Uh, that is, your right...No! What? Oh for fuck's sake! Just be excellent to each other. And, you know, party on. But not with the golden calf. God hates cows. And children. And he really hates cow children."

"They'll do all our laundry too! Cheap!"

"Welcome to Thrill Seekers Anonymous. Today's topic will focus on avoiding dangerous careers. Here, we have the gravestones of Bruce and Brandon Lee..."

In *this* economy, I would expect you to jump at the chance to trade a blow job for some dim sum...

"It says 'don't suck dick' in twenty languages."

"Lady second from end: who did your nose?"

How was SXSW? For starters, Jane's fuckin' Addiction, original lineup. And I got 'em all to autograph this menu.

- Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all men who were on the face of the earth. -

"I bring news of the birth of the Messiah! So, should we do this family style or does everyone want their own entree?"

"Uuuuuh ! Prophesy Cookies."


"Do any of you know how to read Chinese?"

"For my next trick I need a large body of water."

"Look. I got the translation off of Babelfish, so don't hold me to this, OK?"

"Anybody here order Seoul food?"

To himself: "I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum - which is what I am."

or : "I coulda been a body !"

"I coulda been somebody, instead of Aa-ron !"

"I've got to be honest, if the people that pass us by don't read Chinese we're pretty much screwed."

*Sign reads "I'm really two midgets in a robe."*

"Ching-chong, ching-chong. Danny DeVito. Ching-chong, ching-chong-chong. Drunk. The View. Ching-chong."

"Somebody up there grooved 'THEE'."

"Somebody up there 'un-kiked' thee."

"The bad news is, I don't think he's the messiah. The good news is, he suggested a nice place we can eat on his birthday."

"I managed to save some of the lead. But the rest had already been delivered to the toy factories."

"Its says: In the year 2009, a global crisis will occur, printed green paper will become worthless, and the great nation of the East will rise up and devour us all. But until then, behave yourselves."

"God spoke to me. He said in the long run, we don't have to worry about the Romans."

"God recommends the cold sesame noodles."

"With two, you get egg rolls."

...thinking... "Five more hours of holding these things up and I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

"And thus the stereotype about Jews loving Chinese food was born."

"Holy shit, Caleb! Who would have guessed that Bahai'ism was the right way to go?"

"Why? It's a User's Manual, for God's sake!"

Balding guy: "Okay. I'll have the Number One with no other gods, and a Number Five with extra honor."

Moses: "And then?"

Balding guy: "Oh...well, actually, yeah - I'll take a Number Nine with no false witness, too."

Moses: "And then?"

Balding guy: "That's all."

Moses: "And then?"

Balding guy: "No `And then'!"


Dude, where's my promised land?

[not an anti-caption entry, but a response to Damon above]

It says "please, please China don't dump treasuries and flee our sinking, stinking currency or we are all fucking doomed to be poors for the rest our sorry lives" signed Tim ...or at least I think that's what it says...a little help here...anybody??

"Nice detour around the Dead Sea Moishe-dumb-ass."

"For being a 'chosen people' you people sure have a hard time 'choosing' an entry."


Moses :"Now, do you see this one korea, or that one ? The one to the right, korea...or not ?...korea...or not so korea ?" -- Miriam: "Um, 'through a glass, darkly' ?"

"God gave me these. On top of the mountain. And he told me to carry them down. And bring them to you. Yeahhh! That's the ticket!"

"My people: God will deliver...but there's a $20 minimum and he won't go above East 83rd Street."

This is the answer key to the Chinese Arithmetic AP test!

"As a recent graduate of the Kan Si Yu School of Optometry, I'm ready to give you all a complimentary eye exam."

"Say, 'Torah! Torah! Torah!', in a nutshell ...or at least I think that's what it says."

"We get snakes and a bunch of rules. They get silk and fireworks. Chosen, my ass!"

"Unless someone can read these smelting directions, the venom will kill you."

"Chemtrails ?"

Christ, even our religion is now made in China.

"Psst ! Hath news of our brother's ...'ETHIOPIAN' tastes ?

"Forget Luke 10:27, it's Chinatown."

"It says, 'Thou shalt something something with thy neighbor's wife.' God, let it be 'do anal.' "

"Look, everyone! It's Radosh, and he he brings the results of Contest #183!"

"Apparently we're placing our seder tables all wrong, and the bad feng shui is hurting us as a people."

"For example, it's OK to go to this place for the massage, but if you get the happy ending and more, you're liable to suffer a burning bush."

"I'll explain it when Fishbein and Barestern get up the hill and join us."

"Why do you 'chosen people' keep eating at these new sushi places in the desert with no refrigeration? A couple weeks ago we lost seven of you."

"I seem to have picked up a Chinese food menu instead of the ten commandments. Fuck. I'll be right back."

"The left side is from God, and it says 'Go down, Moses." The right side is from the Asian chick he went down on. This is gonna thin out the herd big time!"

How was South By Southwest? For starters, fuckin' Metallica. And I got 'em all to autograph this menu.

"It's a whole lot of Thou shalt nots followed by a whole lot of yada yada yada."

I have translated these tablets and...well, long story short we will now be referred to as "The Church of Buddha of Latter-Day Saints."

"Hark, ye kinsmen ! Whether sign or apparition, I know not ! 'Tis that the profile of yon upper mountainside appeareth to me as 'twere the foreleg and cloven hoof of that fabulous long-necked beast broached unto our ear enow by the swarthy Ethiope lately stripped from us by Ramses' hand next the South Sea, as though 'twere the Will of God, lest blood of ours corru...... Holy Cow !! What th. ?!"

"Beats me...headstones of SIAMESE twins ?"

Welcome to TBN's The Holy Land Experience © , Beijing. We're gonna convert the crap out of you! Ha, ha, you fuckers don't speak English.

"Slight change people. Instead of loaves and fishes we're going with spring rolls and moo shu shrimp. And they have no wine, just Bud, Heineken or Tsingtao. That okay with everyone?"

"Ni hao ma?"

Hot or extra hot sauce is the only option for now; sweet-and-sour is only available on New Testament days.

Sweet & sour sauce is one of the Ten Condiments. Yes!

You didn't have to show us the tag, Moses. We all believed you when you said it's an original Vera Wang.

"Look, it looses some of it's meaning in translation, but basically it says: Don't be a jerk-face"

This commandment has a protective coating

"Good news! Since we're almost done with Pharoah's pyramids, he made a deal with these guys out east. He'll let us go if we leave and do their wall project. I mean, how long can that take?"

"Here are some tablets! No, just kidding, I was just brutally raped by a gang of herpes infected midgets! I win! I win!"

Commandments Fail

Sam L. has clearly outdone me, so once again I must offer: "Tonight, we dine in hell!"

I'm sorry. I'll lay off next time.

[reading from the sacred scrolls of the apes] "Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death."

Yeah, yeah, I know Jacob wrestled the Angel, but it turns you can get blessed a lot quicker with a katana.

"Not only is it Ichiro's latest contract, it's authenicated!"

I bought this Chinese menu shaped like the 10 Commandments on ebay!

"...thou House of the sotted Loons...thy Spouse of the oaken Goon...wee Dose of the rotten Spume...Tea House of the Aut... What the Fuck you call...igraphy this, Moise ?!

"Yesterday, upon the stair, I met a man who wasn't 'all there' !"

Hey, that's mine ! Sort of.

"And he had these commandments... 20 for $100... I only had a fifty on me..."

" It's actually just one long commandment... written in Chinese characters."

"...but ½ hour later... you'll want to sin again!"

"Look! I found some crazy Asian porn! The picture on this side is some chick with a burning bush!"

"Eye test! Get thine free Eye Test!"

"My fellow Hebrews and Shebrews! I got us some commandments from the Chinese... and they were going at a pretty high price... but I 'us-ed' them down!"

"The first thing I met was a fly with a buzz... but I swatted that sucker with THIS!"

Despite his many accomplishments, Moses' biggest regret was not being better prepared for his disastrous "Deal or No Deal" modeling audition.

"A..a wi..a wi..a win..a winne...a winnower o'..a winnower o'..ah winnower o'me...o'men i..is h., is he, ab..abo..above o',ob'..ob'..above of oth....,abo.. o'oath...abo..abov...abo.. O'Bamas*.....above O'Bamas !...........Whew !!" - *Tribal name of powerful, migratory people of the Second Millenium B.C., who would appear to have wandered into Kenya from Ethiopia, or Eritrea.

Moses, in a fit of rage, did bring the raised false idol chinese menu tablet crashing down upon his loins, breaking it asunder, and uttering, for the ears of his transfixed disciples to hear, the very words..."GOD DAMMIT! FUCK ME TO HELL! THAT SHIT HURTS LIKE A SUNOFABITCH!"

"Ever notice how Moses loses a ton of weight when he takes a Mount Olympus dump?"

"Check out my fortune matzo."

"Tablet, I hardly even know it!"


"Don't get on the ship! The book, To Serve Man, IT IS A COOKBOOK!"

"Moo goo gai pan, motherfuckers!"

"Psst ! Moo goo hard pan, more like."


"Here ye, here ye! Extra spicy today- burn your mouth good!"

"Thou shalt talk about these nice reasonable laws, and pass them on to the goyish auxilliary we will form in about 1500 years.

Thou shalt downplay the law about killing all the people who aren't like us.

In about 3500 years Obama, the bloodthirsty commander of the deadliest army in history, will flood Afghanistan with trained killers and prolong the Iraq occupation indeterminately. Thus the genocide of the nonbelievers will continue. The slaves who pay for it all will never revolt, as they will be forced night and day to dream about the vaginas and penises of famous whores."

"Hi, I'm Moses, and I'll be you waiter. Our specials today are the Sum Dum Gai, Moo Kow Dung, Shi Yung Hor and Yu Pea Din Bed Pan with Kidneys. Can I get anyone a drink?"

Cantonese, schmantonese: bottom line is, anyone caught coveting his neighbors' oxen OR manservent is gone be tits up in a ditch. Hear?

The Lord your God is a Jealous God and a Polyglot Muthafucka to boot.

No, it gets weirder--not only is He Chinese, He also sounds just like Elmer Fudd!

Look upon His works, despair, and keep in mind He drew this on an Etch-a-Sketch!

"...and yea, though the font is hard and doth chafe to look upon, He hath assured me that the printer is damned. Ding dang doodily damned, ha ha ha ha haaaa!"

"..Exodus XXI, v. XXXV: 35: And if one man's ox hurt another's, that he die; then they shall sell the live ox, and divide the money of it; and the dead ox also they shall divide.
XXXIV: Or if it be known that the ox hath used to push in time past, and his owner hath not kept him in; he shall surely pay ox for ox; and...Jesus, He's really honked off about this ox stuff, yeh?"

"Hey Larry & Curly, remember me, your good buddy Moses?"

"...and afterward, Moses took his honey and nectar in the temple."

"I can't believe it's not Buddah!"

"...and take 2 tablets and call me in the morning!"

Behold the new Kindle!

"Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.*" -- Moses, Numbers 31:17-18

*Especially those dirty little shiksas who like to show pictures of their no-no places for money.

"I'm a wed-hot sportsman hunting wild game." -Elmer Fudd

"If you think I'm wearing underwear, you are so wrong. Like in a biblical sense."

"Does this robe make me look phat? Really? Even if you get your damn dirty paws off me and pry the gun from my cold dead fingers? Really? Still phat? Well, I guess I am dope after all. Fer shizzle."

"We could go with these Chinese commandments, but we'll just have to go back up and get 10 more commandments in an hour."

(Above entry so obvious it has probably been entered in the official contest 15 times by now.)

"When did Moses get anorexia? He looks like Karen Carpenter."

"Take these two tablets with bitter herbs, all rise, and call your doctor if you 'sea' red or your erection doesn't passover in eight days."

"Future gains are etched in stone. Asian stocks soar in pre-market trading."

"Here is your new mahjong card for 1462 BCE. You may commence with the 'twittering of the 'pharoahs.''"

"I don't understand it either. It must be a derivative."

"The next item up is this designer Asian chotchke, excavated from the dumpster behind Imperial Buffet. Hang this baby on your shopping cart, and you'll feel like a king among homeless. We'll start the bidding at one crackpipe."

"I spoken to God, and he must be crazy--Crazy to offer you prices like these on fine imported furniture!"

"Okay, that 18,000 spring rolls; 2600 orders of General Gau's, 1300 orders of Kung Pao, and 700 steamed vegetables with black bean sauce, and one order of General Tso's because no one can convince Ira that it's the same goddamn thing. Anyone want soup?"

"Children of Israel! I bring you good news about what we can do for the next 3,200 Christmas Eves!"

'Either those fucking chinks shrunk our tablets and wrote all over them or there was a mixup at the cleaners."

I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?

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