March 16, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #185

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.


First place
"The ape should've come before me. Next time I'll try thinking about baseball." —Damon

Second place
"Zippadee doo-dah, zippadee day! Got naked on an island and am kicking a fish! Zippadee doo-dah, zippadee day! Heroin is a hell of a drug." — Chloe E.

Third place
"Why am I prancing about in the nude? Just for the halibut! No, I'm kidding, I was just brutally raped by a drifter." —t.a.m.s.y.

Honorable mention
"Fair is fair, little fella...You go piss in my house now." —al in la

"Race you to the Kansas Board of Ed meeting!"—gary

"It's about at this point all my previous fish pets have died." —boneguy

"I shall place you over my genitals and name you 'codpiece.'"—LK

"Christ, what an aholehole!"—mypalmike

Posted by Daniel Radosh


The Evolution of Football

Come back with my dick you joker.

Museum of Misogyny, Exhibit 42: The Natural History of Fish Jokes.

It's about at this point all my previous fish pets have died.

"Race you to the Kansas Board of Ed meeting!"

"Whoo. That was the wildest flash ever. I hope Locke will be here now. Hey, where's the camp?"

"That'll be the last time for me. Just because it smells the same doesn't mean it feels the same."

Get moving, grandpa. I want you to meet my kids.

"Wow, Lassie, you were right! The Woody Woodpecker Clone Colony has been buried alive!"

"Hey, Fishy, remind to sell all of my Sansabelt stock."

Take Two:

"Hey, Fishy, remind me to sell all of my Sansabelt stock."

"Best fuck ever. Thank you for helping me find myself, Nemo."

"Who wants the 'fish shocker'?"

"I don't care if you are now the Secretary of State, Hillary. You told me could still do it once a quarter!"

make that, "You told me we could still do it..."

I shall place you over my genitals and name you "codpiece."

"Though we both seek a new habitat in the thick brush of the Mons Pubis range, I fear we will be driven to extinction by the lowly but established Phthirus crab louse."

"The ape should've come before me. Next time I'll try thinking about baseball."

Look how fast things change if you just take a week off from blogging!

Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes...Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes...Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes....

"Hi, I'm Troy McLure. You may remember me from... hey, where you goin' in such a hurry, sweetcakes?"

What a nice swim. Look: a dead fish.

"Here's a good one: Why did the Japanese kid kick a fish out of the water? Because he wanted to see a fish 'fry'! Ha! Wait, did I say 'good' or 'despicable'?"

"Any reasonable person might think my inner thighs are horribly chafed, but I want all viewers to understand: That's just the shadow of my enormous fat cock."

"Wow, a hillside where they're practicing military maneuvers with constant explosions? You're right - what a perfect place for a naked guy like me! Lead on, magic fish!"

"PETA may call you 'sea kitten,' I call you lunch!"

"Would you at least wait until I evolve a vagina before you fuck me?"

"Dang, sugar tits, I'm a big old scat queen from way back, so crap away, darling, crap away!"

"Christ, what an aholehole!"

"You were supposed to be a naked black female human, but of course The New Yorker editors demanded a slight modfication ..."

"I'm hung like an elevator button. So?"

"Even after bathing, and even in the open air, my hemorrhoids create that putrid redolence so familiar to massage therapists serving the film community."

*going slowly on purpose* "And it looks like Fish is comfortably in the lead of this evolutionary race...*speeds up* BUT WAIT! HERE COMES MAN! Gaining ground fast - the crowd goes wild! *mouth crowd noises* Look at him go! *intentionally slows down*...but now Man appears to be running out of steam! Oh no! Fish looks confident, starting to pull away...this could be it! *speeds up again* WHAT'S THIS? MAN IS CATCHING UP WITH NEW ENERGY! WHAT A CONTEST!!"

I know it'll be centuries before we evolve currency, but could you lend me a fin?

"There used to be a chimp between us but he had to be in Connecticut for a face-off."

Great moments in Olympic history (forsaken sports): The Fryathlon.

"You're quite the catch- look how I've developed since we met. Won't you be my alewife?"

"Don't sweat- that Friday in Lent thing will never catch on."

I'm scaling a mountain in order to be mountin' a scaling.

I'm taunted by the fishes about my dick, Tim.

"It's only slightly smaller than my leg. Which is, unfortunately, blocking your view."

The Myth of Sissy and Fish

Fine, so you can crawl. But can you walk like an Egyptian?

"Yeah! That's what you get for singing 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' for the 4,182,933th time. Fuck you."

"The flounders here are marine."

"I don't need you for toilet paper anymore, bud. I've developed a symbiotic relationship with some shit-eating krill."

"Zippadee doo-dah, zippadee day! Got naked on an island and am kicking a fish! Zippadee doo-dah, zippadee day! Heroin is a hell of a drug."

"Hello, bushes! Hello, flying fish! Hello, boat! Hello, men in white coats! Hello, taser--"

"Do you think I look like I want to make the next Little Mermaid?"

"I can't see any side effects of these roids."

"It's overrrrrrr----whoahhhhhhhh...Saaaaaaaad fish...turn the other way...I don't want you to see...my wang..."

"Look, I know it's hard to accept at first, but you're one of us! The time for denial is over! You should embrace the LGBTF community!"


"Yeah! That's what you get for singing 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' for the 4,182,933rd time. Fuck you."

("3th" isn't a thing. my bad.)

Opening sequence for "Waterworld II".

"I may have no clothes, but I'll be damned if I'll work for scale


"Y'know something? I'm getting pretty tired of your fish schtick."

Let us make man in our image...and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea...and over every creeping thing (1)that creepeth upon the earth. -- (1) Presumably, the kind of 'saw worm' to the right in a sketch taken, incidentally, from the notebooks of a reporter at a recent Discovery Institute conference in Seattle.

"You're kidding! Big Mouth Billy Bass is your cousin?!"

"Was it good for you?"

Well, now that we've settled wade versus roe, let's talk about creationism.

Got milt?

- CBS artist's sketch of an Iguana Tribe member as he might be depicted to 'survive' along the barren coasts of Baja California -

[No caption].

- The lowly 'saw worm' preceded the terrestrial appearance of both lungfish and man by many hundreds of seconds. -

"Forget the Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain—let's do it at high noon this time!"

"I remember that I lost my shirt in the stock market...my pants, not so much."

N.B.: No blacks here to 'seed' us !

"Come back, little... sheep'ead ?"

"Get legs! Get legs!"

"You're a BLOW FISH... Well...?!"

"The hors d'oeuvres here are piscine!"

"Fair is fair, little fella...You go piss in my house now."

"Man, I'm kicking wrasse!"

or "Man, I'm kicking bass!" -- your choice of pun

Tom Hanks in Splash IV

"Take me to the river
Punt me from the water..."

"Fish sticks
Fish dicks
Fish kicks..."
"I'm working on a new Seuss book."

Take that, fish!!!!!

They always played that 'fish kickin' music at the nudist colony.

"Catfish are jumpin'... afraid of me humpin'... black water keep rollin' on back to the sea!"

Jason liked to walk his pet
Even though it's best kept wet
One day he did it bare
and burnt his derriere
all for a five dollar bet

Abe Vigoda, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?

"Ha ha! Yes, yes! Let's both leave trails of slime as we ascend this virgin beach! Tra-la-la!"

"Go, Fish!"

"It only appears that I am goose-stepping after this symbol of Christ. In reality I am a good guy. A little fearful, a little dull, a bit of a follower."

"All right you little scamp, now you're in my element! What the-? A flying fish!? What are the odds?"

"Hey! Come back with my nipples!"

['Growing the Snake Plant is easy. It will thrive in very bright light to almost dark corners of the house. Just water when the soil is dry.']

"Get back here, you little fucker... I'm not done with you."

"Call me Ishmael. No really - my name is Ishmael. Wait, come back!"

Ex-football player Will Bleakley as reported coming to shore recently at the Dry Tortugas after what must have been an especially harrowing experience for him amid choppy Gulf waters.

"Give up, fish ! Between me and my sombreroed amigo arriving from behind that dune, you now have no possible way of escape."

"Magic Fish, please decipher the artist."

"Hey, look! A fish just shot out of my dick"

Hey, Chondrichthyes - you're gonna wish you were Agnatha when I get ahold of you.

"That's three points for our team!"

"Naked man carp's a feel. Next slide."

"Salmon Pee Chase. Next slide."

"Not now, I am a haddock."

"My enormous head prevents me from swimming. Fuck the luck. I'm not so good at hiking either."
"Tell me about it. I lack nipples, genitals, and a forehead. My nose is hanging in space, thus no sense of direction. Where the fuck are we going?"
"Beats me. Nice day though."
"Yes, it is a nice day."

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"Well, the jury is still out on evolution, you know!"

"What, we already jumped the shark on LOST?"

Special on DVD: A deleted scene from Ingmar Bergman's "Scenes From a Marriage".

Hi! I kicked a fish onto a snow covered hill!

"I'm haunted by the feces of my fishies."

"Gefilte? I barely even know'ah!"

"Why am I prancing about in the nude? Just for the halibut! No, I'm kidding, I was just brutally raped by a drifter."

Blog Entry #1: Today begins my historic attempt to be the first man to climb Mount Everest solo, starting from sea level, and completely naked. I hope that in the eyes of future generations, my decision to employ a guide fish doesn't detract from my achievement.

In the distant past, crude balls such as inflated pigs' bladders and puffer fish were used, but balls are now designed by teams of engineers to exacting specifications.

To think: If not for society's increasing tolerance of homosexuality, our inter-species marriage would never have been possible.

"More important, however, is what I learnt about myself."

"This isn't normal... but on meth, it is."

"More important, however, is what I learnt about myself."

"More important, however, is what I learnt about myself."

Still frame from Ted Nugent Kills and Eats One of Absolutely Everything. Silver Gelatin Print, 1997.

Larry, Imitator of Presidents, was among the very last cut-ups, jesters, and clowns to answer General Zaroff's invitation.

Since someone already wrote there are no black people here to see this, I'll go with my also always appropriate:

"Tonight, we dine in hell!"

"I was never anything more than bait to you, was I?"

Both man and fish-kind were shocked to find that it was grass which had beaten them out of the ocean.
Thinking about it, grass does seem supremely evolved...
Grass is manipulative: it has control over two thirds of western youths.
Grass is deceiving: the grass is always greener on the other side.
And worst of all, grass is politically active: Who shot JFK? The grassy knoll.
Please someone, let Alex Jones know about this before I get infected with some grass-related poison, probably the same stuff from The Happening.

"Thanks anyway, Fish With Suicidal Thoughts, but we already resorted to cannibalism."

I call this meeting of NAMFLA to order!

"Don't give me any crap about how many footprints you see when I have to carry your ass!"

"Excuse me, do you have the time?"

"Watch out! You're headed right for those overwhelmingly detailed bushes!"

"Hey, where did my pants go?"

"Thanks for baptizing me jesus. I'll see you around."

"It's a good thing there are no bass here to pee thus."

"Thank God ! It's Friday. Get this on a spit quick, my man !"

The fish, having disconnected Ted's nose from his mouth, attempted to escape. Ted ran after him, but had to laugh, despite his disconnected face, because he knew the fish would soon die out of the water.

"Jack and Gill went up the hill. Why? Cuz Jack's buttocks are fetching."

"It's a fuckin bellyfish! I'm a navel man myself. Where's the thongbird when you need one?"

I'm kicking a fish!

"If you're taking a dump, man, I'm outta here."

"Porn is taking the normal and making it abnormal by fucking it!" (apologies to Zach and Miri Make a Porno)

Please don't rape me again, naked man.

I'm haunted by the Pisces of my victims

"The ironic thing is, we're both naked as the day we were born. Wait, what do you mean you 'don't know what irony is'? Stupid fish."

"No, no, wait! When I said Fishkill, I meant that's where I come from."

"There's something fishy about
this triathlon. How could a pudgy fellow like HIM be running a close second? Not to mention the frontrunner. Can we please get urine samples all around?"

I was feeling crappie before my bass solo.

I'm a museum curator. Succumb to my art official allure.

Let's exert a little "dominion over the fishes of the sea."

Trout almondine au natural!

Why did the pervert cross the stream? Just for the halibut.

The first mounted fish.

You dip your left foot in.
You kick your right foot out. You do the hokey pokey and then screw the trout!

"There's friendly fishermen over that hill."

"Hey, I started a blog! I started a blog! Come visit!"

My ejacuate still looks like a fish. Check!

My ejaculate still looks like a fish. Check!

"Hey, fish, check this out -- I'm shitting a Slinky!"

"A fish out of water! What a great concept for a sitcom!"

Jake put the 'CARP' in Carpe diem!

"Yeah, this is where I used to live. And although it's drier than our new place, I still like to think of it as 'home'."

"Hey, don't be koi, fish."

Hey, fish - I've got a boner for you. Of course, you won't know whether I mean a knife or an erection until I get there. Sucks for you either way, I suppose.

The so called 'aquatic ape theory' was first enunciated by Sir Alistair Hardy, as seen above in a caricature commissioned by one of that gentleman's more vicious detractors. In point of fact, the evidence is not solid and until hard proof like fossils are found the 'aquatic ape' must remain no more than a hypothesis.

"Listen you dumb fish, I haven't got two million years to let you demonstrate that phony 'theory' of evolution. Why? Well: A) because I'm a creationist and: 2) I'm in the mood for sushi tonight."

"Wait, wait! All I know about you is you're Finnish and your sign is Pisces..."

"Yes its true what you heard: Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. But come the morning he takes them to breakfast."

"Ew, you have a weird birthmark on your inner thigh."

I thought I had a foot fetish, but it turns out I just have a foot fish.

"OK, fucker, you win that stage. But swimming's only one part of the triathlon. Let's see how you do on a bicycle!"

"Hey, let's not put the carp before the horse's ass!"

"One small step for man, one giant leap onto a giant matzoh for codkind."

Premiere of PUNT BASS & KICK Competion!

I'm about to suffer carp up my tunnel syndrome.

I enjoy long walks on the beach too!

We'll get along swimmingly!

Breaming with enthusiasm...

I think I understand the confusion: 2,000,000 fish years is just another way of saying 6,000 creationist years

Um, roe versus wade?

A fossil fish from Australia was one of the first of its kind to reproduce by fertilizing eggs inside the female. In the study above, undertaken on behalf of the Discovery Institute, we are quite possibly accorded a view of one of mankind's first scientific inquiries ever just as, to all extents and purposes, it must have appeared some 5,000 long years ago. The already advanced intellect of our ancestor, incidentally, may be inferred in the urgency with which he is seen attempting to deprive the animal of any least hope of return to its natural habitat.

"Stop being so coy. I've seen you spawn with worse!"

Correcting a phrase in the next to last entry : '...to all intents and purposes'.


"Ok, that's one belly flop closer to the next stream. Only six thousand to go, tough guy. Hope you don't mind if I start my victory dance a little early?"

A rare surviving cel from the prototype of the Pepe Le Pew cartoon series. Note that the cat was originally a fish and the eponymous skunk was originally a cheerful naked man nicknamed Slippery Dick. The concept was reputedly sent back to the drawing board after Mel Blanc experienced problems developing a consistent voice for Slippery Dick. Copyright Warner Bros. 1944

I know just how you feel; if I had to watch High Plans Drifter one more time I'd kill myself too!

"Bernard, the blind nudest, was jogging with his wife Betty on an a particularly hot and humid day when they accidentally became separated."

"You can run, but you can't hide! Well, you can hide, I guess, in the ocean. But you can't run! Man, you're retarded."

"Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a fish to suck cock, and he also only eats for a day, but hey, free blowjob."

"I don't know much about the Origin of Species, but I'm among the world's leading scholars on the Origin of SpecDEEZ NUTZ."

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