March 2, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #183

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. •Rules and tips.


Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Did you turn the iron off?"

"Oh my God! It's my husband!!"

"If you think this is going to get you out of eating my pussy, you can think again, mister."

"There is no way I'm having sex with you while those horriblly mangled car crash victims watch us through the windshield!"

"Okay, so I guess the whole 'earth moving' thing was actually the impact of that car ripping through the wall and ceiling. But it was still pretty good! I think I almost came!"

"Aw, crap. Where are we going to find a tow truck, a salvage operator, a building contractor, and a coroner at this time of night?"

“Hint, hint.”


"Is that James Spader and Deborah Kara Unger?"

"'There goes the anti-caption contest if that's Radosh hurrying around late again' ? How could you ?!"

"The cars here are subceiling."

"Learn how to drive, asshole! Also, there appears to be a car crashed through our ceiling."

"Have you seen David Cronenberg's 'Crash'? Because I am so wet right now."

"I don't care what kind of car you drive. No sex without a condom."

"That new Chrysler Voyeur, I suppose."

"Yeah, it seemed like fun. Get mad drunk, drive home at 110 miles per hour, crash the car through the ceiling, fuck like jackhammers all night. But whose house is this? And how are we gonna clean up this mess?"

"When I said you could park it in my rear entrance, I wasn't taking about the tiny little car of yours."

typo fix:

"When I said you could park it in my rear entrance, I wasn't talking about the tiny little car of yours."

"How do you think these walls would look if we painted them olive green?"

"When I said you could deploy my airbags, I really meant 'why don't you take off my bra'?"

"Next time the crib goes on my side of the bed."

"Four-0n-The-Floor ?"

“Finally! Someone achieved penetration in this bedroom."

"I told you we should have kept the crib on the other side of the bed."

That reminds me. The inspector said that we have a horrible combination of termites and mold, so we have to stop parking in the garage and move our bedroom out of the basement.

"It's too bad there's no 'crack' here speeding this."

I'll bet that would have been an uncomfortably accurate metaphor for our current sexual adventure, if only we'd had time to actually get started.

Did you come? Sorry, the car crashing through the ceiling distracted me for a second.

My other car is a Rolls.

"Did you feel the car move too?"

"The only apartment we can afford after you lost your job at Lehman and our house was repossessed just happens to be directly below the plunging auto industry. Damn, this Depression, this literal, literal Depression."

You know, if you'd put the ear and nose back on that face, I'd swear it was Bill Keane.

"Duh ! No snow-chains."

"Well, this seems about as good a time to tell you as any: I'm fucking Rush Limbaugh's third chin."

Our relationship is a real car wreck.

"Not now, Herbie. Go back to bed."

See, honey - every guy has emissions problems from time to time.

Relax, it's not your father's Oldsmobile.

"Oh, by the way, Paul Harvey died."

"The city HAS to do something about that oversized speed bump."

"Your ride's here."

“Actually, it was as good for me as it was for him.”

"I ask for a Mercedes SUV and these Enterprise fuckers deliver a Ford Sedan."

"Well, I tried to talk you out of it, Herb, but you wanted to watch. Happy now? No, of course you're not, you've been crushed by a car."

"It seems like only yesterday that both our legs were severed just below the knee in that mishap on the way to our wedding reception. Let us hope the occupants of that automobile have not sustained the same injuries, as that would be most unfortunate for them."

I guess it's a metaphor for my vaginissimus.

"I'm pregnant."

"I knew buying that Mercury Mistress was a mistake!"

"The Prius here has careened."

"...probably insured with AIG."

"Sorry, John. This time I really do have a headache."

"Check and see if anyone's still alive. It's okay, I'm not a clock-watcher."

"I don't care that you worshipped Dale Earnhardt, and I'm sorry he was killed, but getting his wife to decorate our bedroom was just a stupid idea."

"No, I'm not gonna fuck Billy Joel with the children sleeping in the next room."

"Hey, fucking Forrest Gump, do you know how hard it is to have an orgasm when you're giving me that deer-in-the-headlights look?"

"This Sealy Posturpedic Crown Royal mattress fucking rules!"

"Lately, you seem distracted. Are you fucking another women, or Honda?"

"No cell ! No land line ! F*&%^# Lehman....F*&%^# Verizon !"

"I hope those children in the back aren't too badly injured to get out before the car bursts into flames."

"Figures. I oiled the hinges on that door."

"You call this auto-eroticism? I want a divorce."

"Lately, you seem distracted. Are you fucking another woman, or Honda?"

Good think I ejaculate prematurely, or this could have been embarrassing!

"Well at least Sullenberger got everyone out alive."

"It's too bad that no folks could be i.d.'d ...thus."

"I'm gonna go. Both my parents were killed having affairs while cars crashed through their motel room walls, and I promised myself I wouldn't make their mistakes."

"Boy, Cosmo was right: auto-erotic asphyxiation IS hot!"

What did you expect? When we bought the house it was raining safes.

"Yes, it's too bad about his severed femoral artery, but this thing is going to get mad hits on YouPorn."

I guess Sully doesn't drive as well as he flys.

"Beige . . . I think I'll paint this room beige."

"Why couldn't it just use the stairs like that nice cab in New Yorker contest #143?"

Right on the fucking baby crib! I just can't believe it. Good thing my husband works in insurance. He'll know what to do.

That kid was yours by the way.

"Hint. Hint."

"The cracks in the ceiling seem remarkably contained, much like our own understated response."

“By the way, I told mother to drop in this wee.............kend.”

"What a shame that the leaking gasoline makes our post coital shared cigarette unsafe. But this is romantic too, in its way."

"Do you ever think about our future?"

Well, we can either exchange insurance information or just dismember the body, bury it in plastic bags in the backyard, dissolve the bones with acid in the bathtub and torch the remains of the car. Up to you really...

Honey, that car has been there for over a year. You should have had it removed by now.

"Ever since the first bailout, these cars have gotten needier and needier."

Right on the fucking baby crib! What are the chances, huh? Good thing my husband works in insurance.

That kid was yours, by the way.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into renting a basement apartment in Chinatown."

"Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...Here, Kitty."

"How the fuck did that happen?"

"You bolted this bed into the floor really fucking good."

"Honey, of course you can sleep with mommy and da-- OH, GOD, NO!"

"Autoerotic my ass. Just how long was your dick incarcerated?"

"Figures, I just oiled the hinges on that door."

"Well, that is the *lamest* excuse for a terrorist attack I've ever seen."

"A couple more feet and it would've been a hard on collision."

DARK DAYS OF THE RECESSION (#74 in a series). This Pontiac G8, fearful and despondent--and, with a broken radio, unaware of the government bailout--attempts suicide in an apartment in Flatbush.

You Enterprise guys really will pick a gal up. I've been in a lull since the internet decimated the door to door sales business. I miss carnal knowledge with those encyclopedia salesmen, getting my nipples sucked by Kirby vacuums and the discovering new places you can put Fuller brushes!

"That Evrolet bitch is at it again."

You're my first drive-by chuting.

That was a cunning stunt, Mr. Chitwood.

Did you give me a roofie?

That's what happens when
you forget lubrication and don't service me every 3 months!

Everybody got off Sully!

You can really drive.

I don't get this auto-erotic ass fixation!

"You drive me wild."

There's your hummer, big guy.

"What the fuck??!"

"So look, do you want to hear about the rest of my day or not?"

"Cars get bigger while your most important appendages get smaller along with your bank account, your mother's basement, and my capacity to think that there is any hope."

Thank god the black driver was killed instantly, and thus can't see this.

NAV SYSTEM INSIDE CAR: "You have arrived at destination: gigantic pussy."

Woman: "He landed closer to your side of the bed. Just sayin'."

"Sporty? Check. Asian? Check. Wrecked? Check. Fine for couples? Check. Well, you can't say the agency didn't try."

Uh-oh, better get Maaco. I mean "Mako" - I've been having an affair with our Japanese neighbor.

It's not a yogurt truck - don't get any ideas.

"Since when did you go from Mr. Early Withdrawal to Mr. Frequent Depositor? Now that I feel like a sperm bank, why shouldn't I have a drive-up window?"

"Remember over three years ago when that monster truck at the quintet concert pinned the amateur guest cellist? The 1st violin pleaded for help and you called an ambulance, saving the victim's life. That man is back, behind the wheel of that car and his name is Bernard Madoff. Gonna make any calls, genius?"

"I'm not sure which I like less...this car crashing through our bedroom ceiling or your tiny penis."

I didn't feel a thing! I always assumed that commercial with the wine glass was bullshit but this mattress is amazing.

Funny, it's got KY plates.

"Christ, you hump a gearshift handle one time, and they think it means you love them."

"Posterior structural retentiveness: A+ . That I girl might be so lucky !"

"Did you have that father-to-son talk with Johnny about the birds and the bees today?"


"How'd it go?"

"Well, I didn't know where to start. I tried explaining some of Freud's theories, but that was too advanced for him. Then I remembered an old joke..."

"What joke?"

"The one about the son catching his parents in the act."

"I don't know that one."

"Sure you do. So, the son sees his mom naked in the bathroom. He points to her vagina and says, `Mommy, what's that?' 'That's mommy's garage.' Later on, the son sees his dad naked in the bathroom. He points to his penis and says, 'Daddy, what's that?' 'That's daddy's car.' That night, while mommy and daddy are in bed having sex, the son opens the door and *CRASH* AHHHHH! AHHHHH! HOLY SHIT!! IS...IS THAT OUR BUICK?!"

"Good job, Rick. I think you really reached him. Turn out the light."

"That is what anal feels like."

"Automobile prices are really going through the roof. As are automobiles, apparently."

Correction : "Posterior structural retentiveness: A+. That a girl might be so lucky !"

"Oh my god, honey, you should've been killed! Um...I mean 'could've'. Could've been killed."

"See? No one is smarter than their criteria!"

"O.K., Nader advanced safety-glass. I give you that."

"According to the Kinsey Institute, it's a seldom used but highly effective means of birth control...Prius interruptus."

"That Kool-Aid man is a drunk."

"It's a good thing we're so shacky to meet thus. Any luck they survived."

"'Made in America' meets 'make' in America...See what's left."

Is it gonna transform into a sex toy?

"I'm pregnant, it's not yours, and the car is just a metaphor.

Here comes GM, trying to screw us again...


See, honey? There's no such thing as 'safe sex'. Now can't I put these condoms away?

"Oh, my God! It's My Mother the Car!"

"This is the worst

wake-up call I've ever had!"

"Damn! Another damaged tranny. Oh, and that car don't look too hot either."

"That was the most intense orgasm I've ever had. If Susan Smith had thought of this, no way she would've settled for the lake."

"Even good trompe-l'œil gets old pretty fast."

"That's your best distraction for not being able to get it up yet, how much did you pay them, asshole?"

"Princess Diana, James Dean, General George S. Patton, Lisa Lopes, Princess Grace, Albert Camus, Margaret Mitchell, Jackson Pollock, Jayne Mansfield, Sam Kinison, David Halberstam ... why not Bil Keane?"

"Good night."

"Good night."

"Oh, you meant those jaws of life!"

"They gots to deliver in 30 minutes or the pizza's free."

"'Lube job', 'boob job'; I've been after you to work on your elocution for some time, so don't blame me."

"That's the nineteenth end table I've lost like that."

"Jimmy, I think Clark is getting suspicious."

"You hear that radio? Driving and listening to Negro music, this will happen every time."

"Those GPS navigation thingies still got a few bugs in them."

"Maybe the driver can loan us a condom?"


"....David Halberstam, Isadora Duncan, Tom Mix, Ernie Kovacs, Herb Brooks, Doug Marlette, Brandon De Wilde, Jack Johnson, you know, the black guy...not here, of course, Pat Brady..."

"Everything's an excuse with you: 'It's too hot, it's too cold, I have to get up early, the kids will hear.' Well, you've got no excuse now, mister: You've got nothing but hits coming up on WXKZ for the rest of your afternoon commute, so don't touch that dial!"

"'Harmless prank,' my ass. When the dean finds out about this, there's no way he'll take you off probation in time for the finals!"

"It gets worse...wait until you see what's behind door number 2."

"Correction: 'Everybody got off. Sully, you can really drive. I don't get this auto. Erotic ass! Fixation....'"

"No, seriously...this is really REALLY fucked up!"

"Yo, buddy! Nothing to see here. Move along."

"Let me guess. The radiator's gonna boil over and spray hot water in my face."

You got mad design skills , Daniel Libeskind, but of structural integrity, you don't know shit.

"As I was saying...I spoke to my mother today and she thinks my sister was just being petty about sharing the cost of the party but it's for her friend who I don't really know and why should I have to bring dessert when her husband works right next to a bakery and I'm not sure what I'm going to wear but you need a good jacket and I have a coupon and did I tell you about the twins...oh, I lost an earring somewhere in the bathroom and don't forget you promised to fix the ..."

"Why can't we ever have a serious discussion about golden showers?"

Why don't you get the GPS and see if can locate my clitoris.

"It's true that I just vacuumed, but this horrible and tragic accident would make my complaining about it seem quite trifling."

"Ford-On-The-Floor ?" (With a nod to Sam L.)

Diminishing voice from undercover car: "Whadda I tell you, men ?! I would find a way, or make one ! (Huh ! That has a familiar ring.) Anyways...hey, my door's jamm.."

"Look, honey, it's Rush Limbaugh. Why don't you go over there and apologize to him."

Not now, KITT.

"You lied to me! Having sex didn't make this problem fix itself!"

"Oh, did I tell you? My parents are visiting. Also, they enjoy driving cars through buildings."

"I miss the old Hertz Rent-A-Car commercials where the people used to fly into the cars."

"I told you to tip valet parking."

"Did I mention my pimp is an angry man? And a drunkard and blind as well?

"If it remains at that angle for over four hours call your physician."

(slight tweak)

"I think if it remains at that angle for over four hours we're supposed to consult your physician."

"The crumple zone looks like your ass."

"Holy shit!...It's your mother! She's in sexy lingerie...and she brought doughnuts...I don't care if this is a dream, Herb, I'm leaving you."

"The children look like they're sleeping. Don't they look cute there on the dashboard?"

"If you can't find my clitoris, why don't you ask them for directions?"

(Voice from within car) "Coxsackie?"

"What the..Oh my God! I love that song, 'All i wanna do is run my zoom zoom zoom in your boom boom...' If he's not unconscious, Harry, knock on the window and ask him to turn it up"

Stop ordering from Domino's. I don't mind the crashing cars, that's part of the 30 minute delivery. But I'm sick and tired of the lectures on fornication and birth control. Now, reach in and hand me a cheesy bread.

'therblig' rocks !....this week.

"The sex was 'so-so'... so I am still going to have to sue you for the damages to my house!

"I get here as fast as I could and you AREN'T in the mood?!??

"Damn Genie! I wished I didn't have this auto-immune disease!"

"... so Saint Peter says, 'Princess Diane is wearing a halo?!! No, that's a steering wheel!'... anyway THAT'S what the accident reminded me of and why I laughed during sex."

"Don't worry... it's not my husband. It's probably another incompetent investigator he hired to catch me having an affair! Cheap Bastard!"

I guess you're always in a rush.

"Even when we manage to make it to bed, it's still the same routine: you and I, totally naked, a car, and you shit yourself."

"The only way this has a happy ending is if Rush Limbaugh was in the trunk."

"You've told me for 5 years that I'm too skinny and your fantasy is to back-door a rear end that's got some junk in the trunk, so start humping that tail pipe and leave me the fuck alone!"

"This wasn't the kind of accident I was worried about."

"Don't give me that Saab story."

"Volvo or vulva -- what'll it be?"

"Perhaps if you didn't insist on parking the car in the attic this wouldn't keep happening."

"Is that a Saturn, or your anus?"

"I told you Detroit was in real trouble."

"You be the cop, and I'll be the naughty drunk driver who you strip search, handcuff and give an incredible back rub to."

"Look, honey, it's 'Earth, Jr.' Surely you remember his famous threat back in July of last year to avenge the horrid death of his father. On the 7th, yes, it was back on July 7 of last year."

Jerry regrets lying to that honk if you're horny sign

"The Auroras here are driven by a Korean."

"I'm freezing. Think they have an extra blanket in the trunk? an afghan maybe? Shit, even a wash cloth would keep me warmer than this thin thing."

"You know, I can't even imagine the laughs Lenin, Stalin, Mao, Guevara, and Pot must be having over all this. Marx ! Even Fidel."

Not "piston" - "pissed on". Why I looked for a fetishist on caranddriver.com I'll never know.

"It's become a favored form of our present day suicide."

"I'll bet he was texting again."

"Motel 6 blows."

"Well, it looks like Herbie's fully loaded again."

Repressed and virginal, Vicky awakens from R.E.M. sleep (as depicted above in a 'memory-aid' of her psychiatrist) to muffled cries of 'PULL OUT ! PULL OUT !'

"Sure your brother's a bad driver, but at least he came on time."

"Anyhow, it's no longer buzzing."

"I'll never forgive Princeton for turning our darling son into an alcoholic."

I told my pimp the drive-thru was a bad idea.

"Sweetie? Would you get my strap-on from the dresser draw?...I know an asshole that's about to get rear-ended."

"In the old days, if you wanted the bed to vibrate, you just put in a quarter."

"Now THAT'S a sex drive!"

"In Soviet Union ceiling hits you."

"Looks like it needs a cartoon up."

"My word, Willy Loman sure does want us to buy those steak knives."

Ok, you're in bed with 2 cougars. It's your move.

"This is an even bigger mess than when I let you Daewoo on my Leganzas."

"Cut! I'm never going to direct and star in one of my own movies again."

"It's that crackpot, 'Earth, Jr.'. This will put him past Knievel for bone fractures."

"I wonder where that car came from? We live on the 12th floor of a 30-story apartment building."

"We should really get side mirrors that are as resilient as this car's."

"Was it good for you?"

"When I said autoerotic, that's NOT what I meant."

"Well, this sure is a mess that's going to take a great deal of effort to clean up."

"I told you to follow the manual when you were installing the digital converter box."

'Al Quaida is really rubbing it in. That's not even an American car!"

'What a story this will make for our grandchildren as they slave in child labor camps to pay for our retirement and medicaid and Obama's stimulus."

"I'm glad we got this new mattress, or i might be feeling slightly uncomfortable right now!"

"Honey, I think the annoying scratching sound we heard wasn't rats... and i think Goodyear should develop new tires, so they don't sound like rats, and we don't think there are rats in our attic when really there are just a couple of cars. Did you know I talk about unrelated things when I am frightened?"

"Honey, my lamp's off."

"Boy, that's not gonna get a good crash-test rating."

"Cool! we just won a free car and a sunroof!"

"I'm glad we got this new mattress, or i might be feeling slightly uncomfortable right now!"

"Honey, I think the annoying scratching sound we heard wasn't rats... and i think Goodyear should develop new tires, so they don't sound like rats, and we don't think there are rats in our attic when really there are just a couple of cars. Did you know I talk about unrelated things when I am frightened?"

"Honey, my lamp's off."

"Boy, that's not gonna get a good crash-test rating."

"Cool! we just won a free car and a sunroof!"

"I'm glad we got this new mattress, or i might be feeling slightly uncomfortable right now!"

"Honey, I think the annoying scratching sound we heard wasn't rats... and i think Goodyear should develop new tires, so they don't sound like rats, and we don't think there are rats in our attic when really there are just a couple of cars. Did you know I talk about unrelated things when I am frightened?"

"Honey, my lamp's off."

"Boy, that's not gonna get a good crash-test rating."

"Cool! we just won a free car and a sunroof!"

sorry i posted that 3 times! oops

"I know we've been opposed to many recent decisions by the Supreme Court, but I have to admit that eminent domain suddenly sounds much more attractive to me. I fear that, unless we agree to a buyout, we could be seriously hurt by other cars that might fall through our roof. A hazard might even be posed by a chicken crossing the road to get to the other side!"

"Is there anything of which one can say,'Look, this is new ?'....Ecclesiastes 1-10, for Pete's sake !"

"Remember that guy I had the affair with, the guy who tried to sell us homeowner's insurance and auto insurance? I told him to fuck off the other day."

"Hey assholes, you're too late! The wedding was yesterday."

[A variation...]
"Learn how to drive asshole! And by that, I mean that you need lessons on method, form, and technique in both the theory and practice of anal sex. Also, there appears to be a car in our bedroom."

"Of all the bad luck, sweety. I was just about to tell you that for the first time this year, I don't have a headache."

"Honey, you know I hate it when your friends just drop in on us."

"I guess there really is no such thing as safe sex"

"Well Mr. Repo Man, it looks like someone decided to save you the trouble."

Uh-oh! Looks like the neighbor is using his car-launching trebuchet against us again! And right when we were going to have sex! Ha ha ha ha ha! Life sure is funny sometimes.

Hey, mypalmike. We got it the first time.

"Maybe I shouldn't have threated him with grounding if he wasn't home by midnight"

[Seriously, why the hate?]

"I'm not cleaning this mess up until Radosh judges the anti-caption contest."

Is the Anti-Caption Contest really a Ponzi scheme?

Look, honey, just like your erection - Found On Road Dead.

"I say, cahn't anyone do something about these American drivers in London?"

"These pillows are enormous."

"I really don't understand why we let them into the country anyways."

"I believe that's a Duesenberg, Model J maybe."

Looks like I picked the wrong week to start judging the anti-caption contest in a less timely fashion. Sorry about that.

To make it up to you, I'm offering another excellent prize to the winner of next week's contest: one of Hugh Hefner's Playboy bunnies, so you can experience Hef's sexual and material ethic of self-fulfillment which drove him to challenge the social conventions of postwar America.

Multi-purpose caption for #183 and #184:

"Hey, gringo Jewboy, your Seven was not so Magnificent."

"Somebody is going to have to do something about forced entries like this."

Muffled cry from car : "Help, let me out of here. This is Daniel Radosh - need I say more ?"

"Maybe we should have put these pillows on layaway and gotten the TV first."

"You know what we should do, Mulder?! Let's have sex... and later say an alien tried to abduct the car!"

"Okay, now you! Honk if YOU'RE horny!"

"What do you mean,'It looks like a car?'... and my name isn't JACK!"

"Okay... I'll bite... How did you get the car into the attic?"

"I guess there is NO such thing as safe sex!"

"Look and see what DVD they were watching."

"Help (baf..er, muffled)!. We're desperate in here."

Awesome! If your car is going to free bird 60 feet in the air while you're naked and listening to Alanis Morissette, what better place to land than a welfare motel in the Hamptons. The sheets may have cum stains but they're faux satin and fabulous.

"I think this would be a good time to tell you I'm 3 months pregnant."

"First we lose our legs from the knee down in a boating accident and now this! Is that your prosthesis sticking to the fender?"

Are we "there" yet? Because I'm not.

"A car walks into a motel room.......ahhh, forget it!"

"I'm scared -- fuck me."

"Eight days and the smell of rotting flesh is well nigh unbearable. Please, let a judgement come."

"The horse-powers here are extreme."

oh, well here's my ride. It's been fun, Gary.

Well, you both can't be the
Midnight Rambler.

24 hours waiting for results.
24 beers in a case.

What's the deal with that lugnut in the middle?

"Another Dodge Diplomat crashes and burns, causing suffering, death and destruction in its wake. Most might find this rich with irony; I, however, worked for many years at that Orwellian cesspool, playground for tyrants and their whores, mandateless money pit known as the United Nations, and thus find this a perfectly apt metaphor, to be made even more perfect if insurance fraud now ensues."

No, and I don't want to see your Peter NorthStar system either.

"You might be surprised to learn how long our noses may endure a nearby putrefying corpse. Why, a month ago I saw in The New Yorker that...."

"That's one of the old but fuel-efficient European cars, isn't it ? You know, dear, I've been living with you for almost an eternity now, it seems, and yet it wasn't until a moment ago that I realized how low this ceiling is."

"Maserati, you crazy bastard! How are you?"

"I told you not to talk back to our GPS system."

"The Aristocrats!"

"Looking at what happened from our vantage point, it would be hard to believe that our bedroom has just sunk seven feet down!"

"Crap... The car's blocking our only way out and I was just about to fix a toasted cheese sandwich!"

"Well... I guess it WAS a good idea moving our 2 single beds together after all!"

"Darn! Right on top of Doreen! So much for that 3-some you wanted!"

So call me clairvoyant but I had a peek at next week and, believe me, it's not going to get a whole heck of a lot easier !

"Weird ! I just had this dream I was in that movie The Lost Week.....you know, the one with Ray Milland. Jane Wyman. Only instead of Milland, you know, it was some funny little guy, Radosh....'Potted'?...Oh, you know it, honey !"

Radosh's internet crashes as he posts cartoon of another type of crash. Irony implodes."

"Be honest. Does this car crashing through our bedroom ceiling make me look fat?"

"If only the jaws of life would come rescue my pussy."

"Good thing we're housesitting, because our house is dirty."

"Will you marry me?"

"Is Friends on tonight?"

"Good thing we're housesitting, because our house is dirty."

"Will you marry me?"

"Is Friends on tonight?"

"I hope he's okay - he has to judge our captions."

next time they should establish a safe word

"The whole is more than the sum of its parts....unless they're auto parts."

"They've been here almost two weeks now!!...You know what? Maybe they just want to watch me dress you in a lacy bra and matching patties, then have you eat my pussy til I climax. Maybe then they'll go away...I mean it's worth a try, right?...Hello? I'm talking to you!"

"I've always wanted a three-way with Teddy kennedy..."

Do you remember that time you asked me if I ever dated a Decepticon?

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