The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #179
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
First place
"I'll be taking over your regular doctor's patients for a while. He was in an accident." — stcoleridge
Second place
"Have you seen that movie 'The Mummy'? Well, I fell asleep watching it with a lit cigarette." —Steve_O
Third place
"So they put me on the cross and they put nails in my hands and my right foot. And the last joker, he acts like he's going to put the nail in my other foot - but then he nails my head to the cross! Anyway, I swear I was dead for like two days!" — Jesus
Honorable mention
"I'm afraid I'll have to examine you with my tongue, Mr. Morrison."—Bou
"Doctor, is that the female reproductive system in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"—Liz W
"Why are you not wearing the traditional head and appendage turbans? You bring shame upon your family, Westernized swine!"—mypalmike
"What do you mean, 'Physician, heal thyself?' What the fuck do you think all these bandages are for?" —Dreamer
Comments
"Me doctor, you Ben Dover"
Posted by: djack | January 26, 2009 10:05 AM
"Can you do me a favor, kid, and knock that scorpion out of my pocket?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 26, 2009 10:08 AM
"This time, when I do the prostate exam, try to relax."
"The first rule is, I can't talk about it."
"You have a very agressive form of cancer. I mean, seriously agressive."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 26, 2009 10:09 AM
"Well, that 'Doctor' part...that's kinda honorary."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 26, 2009 10:10 AM
"Oh, you think the sling should go over the other shoulder? Who's the doctor here, smartass?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 26, 2009 10:12 AM
"Well, there goes my chances in the Pass, Punt and Kick competition."
Posted by: Tim H | January 26, 2009 10:13 AM
"Thank God I didn't hit my head."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 26, 2009 10:14 AM
"I'm dying from that flesh-eating bacteria. And just what are you claiming is wrong with you?"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 26, 2009 10:28 AM
"The first rule of the Auto-Cannibalism Club is you don't talk about the Auto-Cannibalism Club."
Posted by: Steve_O | January 26, 2009 10:29 AM
"My career as a doctor is over. Maybe I can still be a model in Brazil."
Posted by: Mork | January 26, 2009 10:30 AM
"See how swollen your ankles are? That's a sign of edema, excessive water retention. There are a lot of causes of edema. In your case, it's a sign your heart is failing."
Posted by: Richard | January 26, 2009 10:34 AM
"Bad news Jimmy, we weren't able to save the buckets. I'm sorry, I know you'd become quite attached to them."
Posted by: djack | January 26, 2009 10:38 AM
"As you might imagine, I will be unable to perform the operation myself because of my career-ending injuries from a recent automobile accident. I would like to recommend you to my colleague, Dr. Thompson."
Posted by: Clambone | January 26, 2009 10:38 AM
Just one more transplant to go, and I'll have traded my freakishly tiny hands, short stubby legs, and low sloping forehead for your relatively normal ones. I would be laughing maniacally right now, except that I'm experiencing severe tissue rejection and you aren't. I guess that whole "Rh factor" thing isn't just big pharma allopathic propaganda after all.
Posted by: Walt | January 26, 2009 10:43 AM
"Oh no, I'm not hurt. The bandages are to cover up my leprosy sores."
Posted by: David | January 26, 2009 10:47 AM
"Frankly, Mr. Quasimodo,
After what happened the last time, I don't think it's a good idea to attempt another chiropractic adjustment."
Posted by: David | January 26, 2009 10:53 AM
"That new nurse is the best fuck I've had in years. Makes me feel like young man again, apart from all these sprains."
Posted by: David | January 26, 2009 11:00 AM
"My last job was as Amy Winehouse's personal gynecologist."
Posted by: David | January 26, 2009 11:04 AM
"No, Sam, it's alright. I was a little groggy after you woke me up, and that might've contributed to my auto accident on the way down here, but please don't worry about it. Now, let me get this straight - you put the lime in the coconut, and then you drank them both up? Just do the same thing again, and you'll feel better."
Posted by: Damon | January 26, 2009 11:11 AM
"It nearly killed me getting your feet out of those buckets of cement from Contest 177."
Posted by: jim M | January 26, 2009 11:12 AM
"Well, that about wraps it up."
Posted by: Joshua | January 26, 2009 11:21 AM
"Frank! Thank god I got here in time! I'm you, from the future, and I managed to sneak in here with this phony doctor's coat! Get out of here while you can! Whatever you do, don't let the real doctor touch you - I mean, not even a finger! No time to explain! Just get out of here while you can!"
Posted by: Vance | January 26, 2009 11:24 AM
Mr. Simmons, you are looking at the new face of child abuse. And the old face of medical negligence.
Posted by: LK | January 26, 2009 11:26 AM
"Who are you, and why are you sitting on my ice cream freezer?"
Posted by: Vance | January 26, 2009 11:27 AM
"All right, mister. No more checking reflexes for you!"
Posted by: Francis | January 26, 2009 11:56 AM
"Burp !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 26, 2009 12:10 PM
I've decided to increase your pain medication... a lot.
Posted by: simsburybear | January 26, 2009 12:18 PM
I"m having my appendages changed to resemble a black man's one limb at a time. Yow what they say, big feet, big....
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | January 26, 2009 12:21 PM
"One of your legs is longer than the other. You're going to need hip surgery."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that. It's just— well, you can probably imagine how many wisecracks I've gotten over the past few weeks. But I shouldn't take it out on my patients. Again, I apologize."
Posted by: Rubrick | January 26, 2009 12:22 PM
It's called osteogenesis imperfecta, thank you very much."
Posted by: RJ White | January 26, 2009 12:26 PM
"Don't worry, I've performed plenty of medical examinations with my left foot before."
Posted by: Francis | January 26, 2009 12:36 PM
"I'm afraid I'll have to examine you with my tongue, Mr. Morrison."
Posted by: Bou | January 26, 2009 1:03 PM
We ran out of bandages before I could complete my mummy costume, so I had to settle for "half-mummy with a broken arm." I'm going to be the laughingstock of the office Ancient Egypt theme party because that damn nurse can't keep the costume closet properly stocked.
Posted by: bunsen | January 26, 2009 1:04 PM
"I fell off my wallet."
Posted by: Rob | January 26, 2009 1:07 PM
"You know, Nair wouldn't leave that unsightly stubble. And it's much safer than using a razor. Trust me on this one."
Posted by: Galoux | January 26, 2009 1:09 PM
"Are you the patient who wanted his mummy?"
Posted by: Joshua | January 26, 2009 1:38 PM
Oh! I didn't see you there.
Posted by: Mark Smith | January 26, 2009 1:41 PM
The Villagers are storming the clinic with torches and pitchforks, Mr. Jones. I'm afraid you'll have to wait until our next appointment to get your leg lengthened.
Posted by: SK | January 26, 2009 1:57 PM
Of course, there are several excruciatingly painful tests we'd like to run. And naturally we can't schedule them for six to eight weeks. In the meantime, I expect you to awaken at 4am every morning with dreadful anxiety attacks related to the tests' outcomes. Also, if you can guess why I am bandaged like this, you will win a free dinner for two at The Olive Garden.
Posted by: SK | January 26, 2009 2:02 PM
" 'Multiple flare' light-array, my boy ! Shadows from hell !..So when you're ready,I'll just have nurse escort you out through that, like, 'funhouse' door frame of ours !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 26, 2009 2:03 PM
Oh... I dunno... a little wine a little music, some ACE bandages, why do you ask?
Posted by: SK | January 26, 2009 2:04 PM
So, can you honestly say you're still in love with me... looking as I do... and in this fluorescent glare?
Posted by: SK | January 26, 2009 2:07 PM
"It's a good thing there were no quacks there to 'fee plus'."
Posted by: N.O.it all ! | January 26, 2009 2:20 PM
"Well, maybe I do. But at least I don't have polio."
Posted by: Frankie Bones | January 26, 2009 2:21 PM
"You know who's a really funny cartoonist? John Callahan."
Posted by: J | January 26, 2009 2:24 PM
I've never explained myself to a dumpy, gimpy midget before and I'm not about to start now.
Posted by: jfyrste | January 26, 2009 2:28 PM
"Good morning ! Would you mind if I...'honor Allah' first ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 26, 2009 2:32 PM
"Can you open your mouth wide and keep it shut at the same time?"
Posted by: Rob | January 26, 2009 2:32 PM
The good news? Oh yeah, that receptionist, the blonde? I'm fucking her . .
Your job in the bell tower is likely affecting your hearing. At least that's my hunch, *theory,* that's my theory.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | January 26, 2009 2:39 PM
"I must warn you that I am extremely accident-prone. Extremely. But hell, it's not brain surgery, right? Oh wait, it is."
Posted by: Vance | January 26, 2009 3:11 PM
"Happy Halloween. What can I do for you?"
Posted by: Joshua | January 26, 2009 3:14 PM
"You should see what happened to the kid...he didn't want me grabbing his balls, either."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 26, 2009 3:42 PM
"Yes, of course I remember you. You're the patient who said you were having explosive diarrhea. Now about that stool sample you gave us..."
Posted by: Doc Collins | January 26, 2009 3:45 PM
"This is job for Surgeon General-Designate Sanjay Gupta."
Posted by: Tim H | January 26, 2009 3:52 PM
"We have a negro president. I parasailed the Grand Canyon."
Posted by: Rob | January 26, 2009 4:41 PM
"Relax -- the anal rape doesn't hurt so much after the first -- ... Oh, sorry, forgot, Monday, new cartoon day. What I meant to say was, a, uh, colonoscopy is nothing to worry about. You'll just feel a little pressure."
Posted by: Joshua | January 26, 2009 5:20 PM
" 'Doctors Without Borders' mean anything to you ?...You're not Jewish, are you ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 26, 2009 5:43 PM
"No, I'm not a doctor. Do you think I'd be wrapped in these bandages if I were a doctor? Do you think I'd have this 'Amway' clipboard and rubber snake if I were a doctor? Do you think I would have provided the accurate and timely diagnosis of your blepharospasm-oromandibular dystonia if I were a doctor? Hmm?"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 26, 2009 5:55 PM
"I'm dying from that flesh-eating bacteria. So what little trifle are YOU whining about?"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 26, 2009 6:03 PM
"My wife didn't know I was gay. Until today."
Posted by: J.D. | January 26, 2009 6:03 PM
"I've been taking yours out and jiggling it for years. You can't do it once for me?"
Posted by: Damon | January 26, 2009 6:05 PM
God you're an ugly lesbian.
Posted by: Owen | January 26, 2009 6:12 PM
"ˇA trabajar mi negro!"
Posted by: J.D. | January 26, 2009 6:12 PM
"What do you care how it happened, herpes boy? You got your own problems. Like herpes."
Posted by: David John | January 26, 2009 6:20 PM
"I would have hired movers, but I thought those boxes would greet us as liberators. Also, I can't find my adorable little plush GOP elephant. Please help me, you're my favorite daughter."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 26, 2009 6:26 PM
"In Soviet Russia, cripple doctors you!"
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 26, 2009 6:30 PM
What do you mean, "Physician, heal thyself?" What the fuck do you think all these bandages are for?
Posted by: Dreamer | January 26, 2009 7:16 PM
frakkin' skin job
Posted by: tito | January 26, 2009 7:22 PM
"But first, son, we must pledge paraplegiance to the flag."
Posted by: Rob | January 26, 2009 7:44 PM
You are right, my use of tongue depressors was not appropriate for treating progeria.
Posted by: tb | January 26, 2009 8:29 PM
"Hi, I'm Dr. Doctor. You must be Mr. Mister."
Posted by: Kevin Dean Nicewanger | January 26, 2009 8:32 PM
Your test results are on the clipboard under my left arm. I'm sorry, but you'll have to read them for yourself. I lost my eyeballs in a terrible automobile accident.
Posted by: Urgh | January 26, 2009 8:44 PM
"Welcome to extreme rehab where the only rule is there are no rules."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 26, 2009 9:07 PM
"Welcome to extreme rehab where the only rule is there are no rules."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 26, 2009 9:08 PM
After years of searching Craig knew in an instant he had finally found his biological father.
Posted by: Brian L | January 26, 2009 9:15 PM
'Ok, that's not a bad job of setting my broken wrists, ankle and fractured skull. Now let's see you remove my spleen.WITH YOUR BARE TEETH!"
Posted by: mort drucker | January 26, 2009 9:16 PM
"What are those, acupuncture marks on your legs? Or are you some kind of kid junky? Any-hoo, I guess you want to know what happened to me. I got in a fight with that asshole tv doctor, House, and now both of us are crippled."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 26, 2009 9:26 PM
"I guess you want that surgery where they break all your bones so you can grow taller than a dwarf. No,no.. I didn't have it. I'm just a high performing drunk MD who blacks out for inexplicable reasons."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 26, 2009 9:29 PM
"Stunt surgeon Arnold Cohen at your service! Now tell me young man, what bones do you NOT want broken today?"
Posted by: mort drucker | January 26, 2009 9:33 PM
"I am a clumsy social misfit and I don't give a shit about you."
Posted by: J.D. | January 26, 2009 9:49 PM
The curious case of Benjamin Button's physician.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | January 26, 2009 10:17 PM
"The diabetes has become so severe that they had to amputate all my fingers and five of my toes. I keep working to take my mind off the fact that soon my organs will fail and I will die. (Coughs feebly.) So anyhoo...what's up with you?"
Posted by: Mork | January 26, 2009 10:37 PM
"So you say your left leg is six inches longer than your right?"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 26, 2009 10:41 PM
"Second thoughts?! Second thoughts?! I went through all that to kill your parents so we could run away together, and now you're having second thoughts?!"
Posted by: NJtoTX | January 26, 2009 11:02 PM
"....well. if you must know, they held me upside down by my left foot while applying this gauze...good for me 'cause I drive a clutch."
Posted by: Greg | January 26, 2009 11:42 PM
"It is philosophically impossible for me to take a sick day."
Posted by: Squidocto | January 26, 2009 11:44 PM
"What's the hardest thing about becoming a doctor? Paying off the student loans. Mine weren't exactly Stafford loans, capiche?"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 26, 2009 11:48 PM
I put the hop in Johns Hopkins.
Posted by: therblig | January 27, 2009 12:06 AM
I'll start your examination as soon as my pupils get here. And of course, I don't mean my interns, but the actual pupils from my eyes. As you can see, I've had several body parts removed.
Posted by: therblig | January 27, 2009 12:09 AM
"My erection lasted for more that four hours, and she had had enough. Are you sure you want me to write you a prescription little man?"
Posted by: Swaption | January 27, 2009 12:18 AM
"This is highly unorthodox but...could I ask you to scratch my nuts?"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 27, 2009 1:38 AM
"My advice? Quit smoking, lose a few pounds and pay your bookie on time."
Posted by: al in la | January 27, 2009 1:46 AM
"...so I was carrying the pizza on a paper plate. Grease weakens paper, paper bends, pizza falls. Face down. Right where I was about to step. So there I go, tumbling ass over coconut down the back stairs of Macy's right into and across the Junior Miss department. Unfortunately I roll through just as the service elevator opens and in I fly, but now with a mannequin's arm up my ass. Turns out they have a trash compactor at Macy's, just like the Death Star. Only without any poles to hold it open. So I got a little compacted. My scalp was basically rubbed off by some surplus Armanis. Well, as you can imagine I passed out from the pain around then and woke up only when the garbage truck came and I'm lifted up in the air and dumped into the back. Now the thing had an open top and all but I can't reach up to the top of it but I'm throwing stuff out onto the road to try and attract attention. Shoes, cardboard boxes, calve's livers, whatever. But it turns out no one calls the police or the sanitation department or even the driver when trash is flying out of a trash truck. So there I go, off to Staten Island. So I pass out again lying in this vast land-ocean of garbage. I don't know how long. Eventually a police search team found me and here I am, right as rain if a little bruised around the ego. Oh, but here's the kicker! Who do you think they were looking for if not the very same Filipino Nursing student I killed the week before! I tell you, little mracles, little miracles. Anyway, what's your problem? Oh, right, cancer. I'm afraid you have cancer, Mrs. Johnson, cancer of the feets."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 27, 2009 4:44 AM
"I'm Harry Truman, a clumsy doctor, and you're Augustus Caesar, a depressive hypochandriac, isn't that hilarious?! Oh god I love improv!"
"...and that's how I got you out of the shark, you ungrateful pisant."
"Anyway, long story short, sometimes, damn the tears, you just gotta let the cat burn."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 27, 2009 4:53 AM
"Doctor? Me? No, mental patient. Don't worry, happens all the time. I have often found, though, that if I beat someone mercilessly a doctor soon shows up. Shall we give it a go?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 27, 2009 4:55 AM
"Luckily, there were no black people there to see it."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | January 27, 2009 9:09 AM
"The University of the Caribbean; why do you ask? I paid extra for the supremo cum laude part"
Posted by: mdoyle | January 27, 2009 9:13 AM
"I see by your foreskin that you are a goy. Wouldn't you be better served by a veterinarian?"
Posted by: J.D. | January 27, 2009 9:17 AM
"Wrapping strips of fresh mozarella around the scalp and extremities keeps the skin supple. My left leg is a prosthesis."
Posted by: J.D. | January 27, 2009 9:25 AM
"It's not as if she were a maniac, a raving thing. She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes . . . Haven't you?"
Posted by: Galoux, with apologies | January 27, 2009 9:48 AM
"Well... this is awkward."
"Talk about 'irony.' Get it?"
"The doctor will be with you in just a moment."
Posted by: Harry | January 27, 2009 10:25 AM
"Why are you not wearing the traditional head and appendage turbans? You bring shame upon your family, Westernized swine!"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 27, 2009 10:55 AM
"I can see how you'd be depressed by the economy, Mr. Franklin. Losing your job so soon after having your sixth child must be very difficult. I myself have suffered a downturn in my practice so severe that I must make drastic cuts in my budget. For example, I have decided to drop my skydiving lessons."
Posted by: Bou | January 27, 2009 11:07 AM
"I kept saying, 'I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer,' but did they listen?"
Posted by: mefestus | January 27, 2009 11:51 AM
You have cancer.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | January 27, 2009 12:08 PM
"I'll be taking over your regular doctor's patients for a while. He was in an accident."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 27, 2009 12:42 PM
"I'm hunted by the faces of my victims' relatives... and the rest of their bodies, of course."
Posted by: Vance | January 27, 2009 1:08 PM
"There's been a slip-up, Billy. Nurse Kanin put you down as 'Medicare'....Any wonder I've had to drag myself out of 'intensive' ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 27, 2009 1:08 PM
According to Hamas Weekly, this is considered Muslim couture for men. My head wrap is equipped with not 1 but 2 explosive devices AND a separate pouch for 10 grams of Anthrax.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 27, 2009 1:57 PM
"Just what is it about August 29, my boy ? Your 3rd degree sunburn, my surfboard incident.........Katrina."
Posted by: Sam L. | January 27, 2009 2:16 PM
"Me? I was a flunky for Dr. Antonia Novello"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 27, 2009 4:05 PM
"This? Some guy at a bar didn't like what I said about his...say, are your parents related?"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 27, 2009 4:33 PM
"Doctor, can we stop role playing now? It hurts to stand on my broken foot."
Posted by: Miguel | January 27, 2009 5:04 PM
"Sorry, Rush, I can't give you any more of my painkillers."
Posted by: Richard H | January 27, 2009 5:29 PM
"You think you've got a broken penis? Fucking time waster. Fucking Grey's Anatomy."
Posted by: Richard H | January 27, 2009 5:31 PM
"I didn't mean to imply I was attracting less people with real medical conditions. Just that I'm losing my fucking patience with you."
Posted by: Richard H | January 27, 2009 5:39 PM
"They said I'd never be a doctor. But I didn't let my blindness stop me. And I'm not letting this stop me.
Now off with your clothes and let's 'see' that testicle."
Posted by: Doctor Bob | January 27, 2009 6:17 PM
Billy, might I why you're wearing a hospital gown and sitting on top of the receptionist's desk when I hired you to clean bathrooms?
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | January 27, 2009 6:53 PM
"I know what you're thinking: you've heard of a cast of thousands, but I'm on my way to thousands of casts."
Posted by: Dave | January 27, 2009 7:06 PM
"I can't find any latex gloves that'll fit over these bandages but I'll be damned if that's going to stop me from giving you a rectal exam.
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 27, 2009 8:06 PM
"My penis wrap is too tight and YOU'RE the one who looks like a sad hairy gingerbread boy... Would it cheer you up to know you need to stick your finger up your OWN ass today?"
Posted by: Captain Assclown | January 27, 2009 8:08 PM
"I move to the Appalachians to get away from it all and look what happens...I get hit by two drunk drivers, run over by a motorcycle, bit by a rabid dog, and my patient base is a bunch of inbred retards."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 27, 2009 8:31 PM
Some days, the pain is the only thing that reminds me I'm still alive.
Posted by: Vlad | January 27, 2009 9:30 PM
Pretty bad, eh? You should see the other guy.
Posted by: Vlad | January 27, 2009 9:32 PM
"Alright, let's try this rectal exam again. THIS TIME DON'T FART!"
Posted by: BB | January 28, 2009 12:05 AM
"You're going to need more hormone treatment and psychotherapy before your sex reassigment surgery, Chris. Which direction are you going again?"
"So you want to do this the hard way, Billy?" Open the chest and take a look at the other little boys who didn't cooperate."
"Yes, you can open the toy chest and get a prize- BUT YOU HAVE TO GET OFF IT FIRST, YA LITTLE SHIT!"
Posted by: LV | January 28, 2009 8:36 AM
"You'll be fine in about eight weeks. Oh wait, that's me. You'll probably be dead before I finish this sentence, which I will drag on a bit to give you time to come up with a clever one-liner before you die and are buried, and some day visited by..."
Posted by: MAtt | January 28, 2009 8:54 AM
"It is just what I suspected - your ugly goes straight to the bone. You better learn how to smile."
"The pharmaceutical rep from Pfizer 'strongly recommended' I prescribe you Zoloft. I know you aren't depressed, but I suggest you take it anyway. They can be very persuasive."
Posted by: MAtt | January 28, 2009 8:59 AM
I was to judge last week's anti-caption contest. And the entrants are revolting. (Over the tardiness of my results.)
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | January 28, 2009 9:18 AM
"You're the picture of health, Dorian Gray."
Posted by: Joshua | January 28, 2009 10:39 AM
"I'm afraid modern medicine can't do anything to stop the sudden growth of your left leg. The good news is that it has recently been proven that if your leg gets REALLY big, it'll be funny."
Posted by: Galoux | January 28, 2009 11:03 AM
"I've just taken a look at your chart and,........I'm afraid both my eyesight and my hand writing have taken a turn for the worse. Either your liver's too weak, or you've only a week to live. Ha ha!"
Posted by: djack | January 28, 2009 11:11 AM
Yes, I did have trouble shaving this morning. Let's see how it works on you.
Posted by: Brett | January 28, 2009 11:40 AM
"I got just one bit of advice: Stay the hell away from Extreme Twister
®."Posted by: Tim H | January 28, 2009 12:19 PM
"Have you seen that movie 'The Mummy'? Well, I fell asleep watching it with a lit cigarette."
Posted by: Steve_O | January 28, 2009 1:15 PM
"Yeah, I've got leprosy. What, you got a problem with leper doctors?"
Posted by: Kevin | January 28, 2009 1:56 PM
I'm afraid you've developed a life-threatening case of gangrene. We're going to have to amputate your left leg at the knee, both arms at the elbow, and the top of your cranium.
Posted by: firebus | January 28, 2009 4:06 PM
"And I always thought 'retard strength' was an urban legend. What say we just take an oral case history this time?"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 28, 2009 4:36 PM
" 'BED MEN WALKING'...it's low-budget, of course. Five minutes..ten minutes, give me ten minutes, O.K. ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 28, 2009 4:57 PM
"Look, you want that circumcision or not? I ain't got all day."
Posted by: Tim H | January 28, 2009 5:19 PM
"....cutting fine china with a tablesaw. Why do you ask?"
Posted by: Greg | January 28, 2009 5:33 PM
"...yeah, that's right. We're out of gauze, asshole."
Posted by: Greg | January 28, 2009 5:33 PM
"If you must know, I'm a victim of physician abuse."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 28, 2009 5:39 PM
"When these symptoms recur, do what I do: give yourself a break."
Posted by: Richard H | January 28, 2009 5:42 PM
"I am very clumsy."
Posted by: xochi | January 28, 2009 6:44 PM
"Next I'm going to walk you through giving yourself a prostate exam."
Posted by: Steve_O | January 28, 2009 7:00 PM
"I am John Kennedy, Jr. I survived that plane crash. Oh the sling? No, it wasn't from the crash. I just don't think it's a good idea to salute my father's casket anymore."
Posted by: John John | January 28, 2009 7:18 PM
"Yes, I'm Dick Cheney. Yes, it was a shotgun. No, I don't know why the hell I'm here and dressed like a doctor. Go fuck yourself."
Posted by: Dave | January 28, 2009 7:40 PM
"Doctor? I hardly even know'er!"
Posted by: Harry | January 29, 2009 2:40 AM
"No, I haven't figured out why your right lower leg is so much shorter, but I didn't attend four years of Mummy Medical School in order to just give up!"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 29, 2009 5:29 AM
"Well, Mr. Eminem, if you're done being my 'wrapper' I'm ready to start being your doctor!"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 29, 2009 5:31 AM
"Once me Hoot-Owl. Now me Dr. Moreau's assistant. Now you, Sloth-Boy -- back to House of Pain for you! Not to go without Comprehensive Medical Coverage; that is the Law. Are we not Men?"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 29, 2009 5:40 AM
"Good morning, Mr. Banner ... That's Bruce Banner, right? Okay, let's try this prostate exam again."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 29, 2009 5:49 AM
"Your finger can do the walking through the yellow pages today."
Posted by: Rob | January 29, 2009 7:06 AM
"Well I got it out... and I must say, that was the most ill tempered gerbil I have ever handled!"
"Sergio... that is the exam table, NOT the toilet!" (Mumbles... stupid foreigners!")
"A second opinion? I normally say, 'your ugly', but my last patient didn't think that was a very funny comment"
Posted by: Johnny V | January 29, 2009 7:07 AM
"Gee, I had no idea you could 'cast' a new best friend."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 29, 2009 12:51 PM
"Last week I had my ass in a sling, so this is a big improvement."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 29, 2009 12:56 PM
If you would be so kind as to turn around, tough guy, you will see that I am, in fact, a doctor of whup-ass.
Posted by: MAC | January 29, 2009 4:19 PM
"Don't just sit there child! Call me a lawyer!"
Posted by: al in la | January 29, 2009 10:31 PM
Why do you have an anteater in your pocket, Doc?
Posted by: xjv | January 29, 2009 10:44 PM
"Japanese submarine slammed two torpedoes into our side, Chief. We was comin' back from the island of Tinian to Leyte... just delivered the bomb. The Hiroshima bomb. Eleven hundred men went into the water. Vessel went down in 12 minutes. Didn't see the first shark for about a half an hour. Tiger. 13-footer. You know how you know that when you're in the water, Chief? You tell by looking from the dorsal to the tail. What we didn't know, was our bomb mission had been so secret, no distress signal had been sent. They didn't even list us overdue for a week. Very first light, Chief, sharks come cruisin', so we formed ourselves into tight groups. You know, it was kinda like old squares in the battle like you see in the calendar named "The Battle of Waterloo" and the idea was: shark comes to the nearest man, that man he starts poundin' and hollerin' and screamin' and sometimes the shark go away... but sometimes he wouldn't go away. Sometimes that shark he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. And, you know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be living... until he bites ya, and those black eyes roll over white and then... ah then you hear that terrible high-pitched screamin'. The ocean turns red, and despite all the poundin' and the hollerin', they all come in and they... rip you to pieces. You know by the end of that first dawn, lost a hundred men. I don't know how many sharks, maybe a thousand. I know how many men, they averaged six an hour. On Thursday morning, Chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player. Boatswain's mate. I thought he was asleep. I reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up, down in the water just like a kinda top. Upended. Well, he'd been bitten in half below the waist. Noon, the fifth day, Mr. Hooper, a Lockheed Ventura saw us. He swung in low and he saw us... he was a young pilot, a lot younger than Mr. Hooper. Anyway, he saw us and he come in low and three hours later a big fat PBY comes down and starts to pick us up. You know that was the time I was most frightened... waitin' for my turn. I'll never put on a lifejacket again. So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. Anyway, we delivered the bomb."
Posted by: Quint | January 29, 2009 11:50 PM
'Thank you for volunteering for the first ever appendicitis operation performed by a team of trained mice. I must warn you, the risks in this procedure are alarmingly high as they are specially juiced up mice with volatile mood swings (as my injuries can attest.) Nevertheless, I think you will find the video recording of the operation a valuable keepsake, in the unlikely eventuality that you survive!"
Posted by: mort drucker | January 30, 2009 12:13 AM
"It's nothing, the bandages come off next week. You should see the other guy. Assuming, of course, you like to look at dead oncologists who go around fucking other people's wives."
Posted by: David John | January 30, 2009 12:18 AM
“surgery. brain of complications the explain me Let”
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | January 30, 2009 3:08 AM
"Aw, cheer up about the Cockayne's Syndrome, Billy...You're still not as wrinkled as the funny little elephant in my pocket!"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | January 30, 2009 10:20 AM
"Well, I guess : 'Dead' ! It's Roman, probably 2nd century A.D. Get a life !......Fuckin' 'coroner's assistants' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 30, 2009 11:58 AM
"Here's an idea: I'll watch while you examine yourself! Heh heh heh heh. You know, I've still got two good legs. Heh heh heh heh. But seriously, do as I say. Heh heh heh heh. Seriously."
Posted by: David F | January 30, 2009 12:15 PM
- In the years prior to Socialized Medicine in the U.S., doctors were sometimes depicted as 'insensible and hardhearted' in crude chalk sketches hastily performed upon the walls of urban public buildings. In the instance above, taken from a seedy and disreputable alleyway in The Bronx, N.Y., an 'artist' has 'taken it to the max'(in the phrase of that day) in his contempt of medical professionals, going so far as to depict one as an unmistakable 'zombie' - and the patient who would visit him with every appearance of a moron. -
Posted by: Sam L. | January 30, 2009 12:46 PM
Eve White and Eve Black were fragmented parts of a single shattered persona. I, on the one hand, mutilate myself while fully awake and cognizant of what I am doing. You, on the other hand, just happen to look like Gertrude Stein's ugly sister. Surgery will not change a thing for either of us.
Posted by: SK | January 30, 2009 1:52 PM
Doctor, is that the female reproductive system in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Posted by: Liz W | January 30, 2009 3:08 PM
"So they put your shrunken right foot in a smaller cement bucket, did they?"
Posted by: Richard H | January 30, 2009 4:00 PM
god damn you patients with HMOs.
Posted by: Big Baby Jesus | January 30, 2009 5:12 PM
If you want to make Xeroxed copies of your ass, at least get it right. That's the medical supply cabinet. The copy room is behind me.
Posted by: Big Baby Jesus | January 30, 2009 5:19 PM
"So they put me on the cross and they put nails in my hands and my right foot. And the last joker, he acts like he's going to put the nail in my other foot - but then he nails my head to the cross! Anyway, I swear I was dead for like two days!"
Posted by: Jesus | January 30, 2009 11:00 PM
"Cripes! It's been a bad day. Anyways, you've got cancer."
Posted by: BB | January 31, 2009 1:33 AM
We can't go on meeting like this, the co-pays are killing me.
Posted by: Shawn | January 31, 2009 8:57 AM
Fixing my earlier caption:
"Happy Halloween. What seems to be the problem?"
Posted by: Joshua | January 31, 2009 12:00 PM
"Heal me, Yoda!"
Posted by: MShaw | January 31, 2009 12:20 PM
"All right now: remove my stethoscope- nice and slow...no funny business. (pause) Just kidding! Snork, snork...chortle, chortle! Ah...Ahem. Where my nurse at?"
Posted by: MShaw | January 31, 2009 12:26 PM
"Mind if I pause to help delay the onset of Alzheimer's in my case, and to possibly provide you with additional assurance in your own :{Translat. from the Latin} 'I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following oath : To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me the art...but I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts...I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest( you're in luck there ! ) keeping myself free from all ill-doing and all seduction ( there must always be ridiculous, sometimes laughable accusations, don't you know ) and especially from the pleasures of love with women OR WITH MEN (may I stress ) be they free or....."
Posted by: `Von Go | January 31, 2009 12:55 PM
Do you have any more questions before I put my foot up your ass.
Posted by: JM | January 31, 2009 2:25 PM
"Yes, lady, I was, as you put it, 'sort of beaten to a pulp', in this case by a husband for a recent abortion I performed - but, hey, at least he didn't shoot me - so...um, as I now understand, your husband will have no objection at all to your own 'procedure'...And, look, I gather that since Jan. 20, we may even be in position to collect some 'interesting' stem cells out of you....Thanks for hurrying in."
Posted by: Von Go | January 31, 2009 3:20 PM
- Um, I would recommend the above 'memory exercise' to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, if I might. -
Posted by: Von Go | January 31, 2009 3:43 PM
"When that asshole House comes never mind giving him your symptoms. Just kick him in the nuts."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 31, 2009 10:03 PM
"Heil Hitler."
Posted by: Josef Mengele | January 31, 2009 10:48 PM
"I'm affraid it looks like a case of cartoonist dyslexia."
Posted by: al in la | February 1, 2009 3:17 PM
"On my way to work I went through a lot of trouble but I managed to 'acqiure' your new female parts and have them here in my pocket. So lay back and let's get this done!"
Posted by: LV | February 1, 2009 4:20 PM
Correction:
"On my way to work I went through a lot of trouble but I managed to 'acquire' your new female parts and have them here in my pocket. So lay back and let's get this done!"
Posted by: LV | February 1, 2009 4:24 PM
"My husband is a Cardinals fan."
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | February 1, 2009 10:31 PM