The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #178
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.
•Last week's results. •Rules and tips.
First place
"Way I see it, drowning yer sorrows is like drowning yer kids -- gotta make sure there ain't no more bubbles before you start on the next one." — Jared S.
Second place
"Someone pushed my stool in." — K Siers Jr.
Third place
"I'll have a Sexual Assault on the Beach." —Francis
Honorable mention
"You don't have a web site? Jesus, I've got one and I'm a convicted pedophile. Get with times! By the way, is that a picture of your son?" —MAtt
"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Especially the rape victims."—Capt. Spaulding
"I'll bet that mustache is a clip-on............the Happy Hours here are obscene.............it's good there aren't any black people here to see this..........are you listening to anything I say?"—Rob
"Hey, Jack, which way to Mecca?" —TG Gibbon
Comments
"My bar stool fell through the floor, but I can fix it right now and get work-release credit."
"Loved the MGD 64. And for the boys I'll take a pitcher of Appletinis 64 to go."
Posted by: LV | January 19, 2009 9:48 AM
Classic Comic Caption: "Say, buddy, which way's Mecca?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 19, 2009 10:06 AM
I was behind bars and you're behind the bar. Ironic as shit, isn't it?
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 19, 2009 10:14 AM
I'm a metaphore for a society that has gone down the wrong path and gotten locked into a bad situation but the highest goal we can imagine is just to get so drunk we forget how desperate we are and never actually improve our lot. Funny, isn't it?
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 19, 2009 10:16 AM
YOu really ought to consider putting some seating in here.
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 19, 2009 10:17 AM
"The hardest part was the digging."
Posted by: Damon | January 19, 2009 10:19 AM
Remember when we were robbing that bank? And we had masks on? And you yelled over to me "Hey, Bill, you should see this teller, he could be your twin!" Remember that?
Posted by: djack | January 19, 2009 10:23 AM
"Do these stripes make me look like I'm fat? And like I've been sodomizing men?"
Posted by: djack | January 19, 2009 10:25 AM
Classic Comic Caption Correction: "Hey, Jack, which way to Mecca?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 19, 2009 10:29 AM
"I'll have a Shirley Temple."
Posted by: David | January 19, 2009 10:31 AM
Yer cuttin' me off? Why? Whad'I do?
Posted by: simsburybear | January 19, 2009 10:33 AM
"I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world."
Posted by: David | January 19, 2009 10:51 AM
"You know, most guys would've grown a Van Dyke to cover their weak chin, but you've decided to draw the eyes upward with the first toothbrush mustache since Adolf Hitler. Bravo on such bold move, sir!"
Posted by: David | January 19, 2009 10:57 AM
"The holes in prison were smaller, and darker. They were as rank and foul-smelling as this one, but you didn't mind. And there wasn't any digging involved - you started by using your fingers, slowly, and then just stuck it in there, hoping it would grow. Sounds a lot like planting flowers, don't it? HA! Yeah, that's what it was! Got you worried there for sec, didn't I?"
*sigh*
"Yeah...Jimmy and Pedro, best fuckin' flowers a guy could have."
Posted by: Damon | January 19, 2009 10:59 AM
"Just my luck. I dig my way on of prison on the morning after Halloween."
Posted by: David | January 19, 2009 11:00 AM
"Come on. Just one more beer. I promise I won't start smashing the floor again with my pick just because it's a pilsner."
Posted by: Vance | January 19, 2009 11:05 AM
"Fred, seriously, come on! Yes, it was funny that we happened to emerge in this bar after-hours, but enough playing around - someone's gonna catch us! Let's GO!!!"
Posted by: Vance | January 19, 2009 11:09 AM
"I guess you can probably smell it by now, but I should tell you - I just took a huge, huge crap right in the middle of your floor."
Posted by: Vance | January 19, 2009 11:11 AM
"Okay, so you hire me to put on this stupid prison costume, dig a hole in your floor, shtup your disgusting wife while she's tied in the basement, and now you won't even give me a drink? What kind of place is this, anyway?"
Posted by: Glenn W | January 19, 2009 11:17 AM
"Wait, wait, wait... so you were 'just kidding' and it's not a costume party? Or a party at all? Or even a room that has chairs?"
Posted by: Vance | January 19, 2009 11:30 AM
No, I don't have a gun, but I have a pickaxe, so give me all the fucking money in the till.
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 19, 2009 11:31 AM
"Way I see it, drowning yer sorrows is like drowning yer kids -- gotta make sure there ain't no more bubbles."
Posted by: Jared S. | January 19, 2009 11:32 AM
that should be "Way I see it, drowning yer sorrows is like drowning yer kids -- gotta make sure there ain't no more bubbles before you start on the next one."
Posted by: Jared S. | January 19, 2009 11:33 AM
"You have a pretty mouth."
Posted by: MAtt | January 19, 2009 11:35 AM
"You don't have a web site? Jesus, I've got one and I'm a convicted pedophile. Get with times! By the way, is that a picture of your son?"
Posted by: MAtt | January 19, 2009 11:41 AM
"So my prison shrink says to me, 'You think you are worthless because you commit sex crimes.' And I was like, 'Oh yeah, well you can't spell 'Banal Therapist' without 'anal rapist.' Boo-Ya! So I raped him, broke out of prison, and here I am!"
Posted by: MAtt | January 19, 2009 11:47 AM
"...and that's the difference between 'deer nuts' and 'beer nuts.'"
Posted by: MAtt | January 19, 2009 11:49 AM
Well that's how it goes and Joe, I know your gettin' pretty anxious to close
So, thanks for the cheer, I hope you didn't mind my bendin' your ear
This torch that I found must be drowned or it soon might explode
So, make it one for my baby and one more for the road
That long, long road
Posted by: Richard | January 19, 2009 11:52 AM
"I prefer to see this as a comment on the death of Patrick McGoohan."
Posted by: Gray Nixon | January 19, 2009 12:09 PM
The funny thing is: I was going to be released in one week. If they catch me, I'll go back to prison for years. But I am an alcoholic.
Posted by: Arthur | January 19, 2009 12:41 PM
"You rubbed the magic glass, so here I am. Three wishes. And how I grant them is none of your business, capisce? May I suggest making bar stools and better body odor a priority?"
Posted by: Damon | January 19, 2009 1:05 PM
It's nice to have a Happy Hour that doesn't include half-price jizz.
Posted by: LK | January 19, 2009 1:19 PM
"Gimme a J&B&E on the rocks."
Posted by: Rob | January 19, 2009 2:44 PM
"I'll bet that mustache is a clip-on............the Happy Hours here are
obscene.............it's good there aren't any black people here to see this..........are you listening to anything I say?"
Posted by: Rob | January 19, 2009 2:54 PM
I am not a number, I'm a free man.
Posted by: Pandyora | January 19, 2009 2:57 PM
Do you guys serve food here?
Posted by: Urgh | January 19, 2009 3:10 PM
You know what I can't escape? The feeling that my compulsive drinking has kept me from leading a responsible and happy life.
Posted by: Dreamer | January 19, 2009 3:15 PM
Hey, bartender. Who do you have to anally rape to get a drink around here?
Posted by: therblig | January 19, 2009 4:03 PM
"So, where's the old gang? That lawyer with the women's shoes? Mr. Potato Head? It's funny who you miss most when you're in prison. Anyway, pour me another Tabasco and let's do some more ice fishing for Christ's sake."
Posted by: djack | January 19, 2009 5:24 PM
"I just had to escape. Not one black guy would anally rape me in prison."
Posted by: J.D. | January 19, 2009 6:03 PM
"The 'hors'* here are unseen." *(appetizers, that is)
Posted by: Sam L. | January 19, 2009 6:41 PM
" 'CULLUM'S', another hole down in the village. Chris', the 'trannies' in there...preening on their barstools, and so forth."
Posted by: Sam L. | January 19, 2009 7:00 PM
"It's a good thing there are no 'rats' in here to see this."
Posted by: Sam L. | January 19, 2009 7:10 PM
"I'd mix oranges, sugar and a few packettes of ketchup in a garbage bag. Let it all ferment a few days. Then store it in the toilet...How do you make your wine?"
Posted by: al in la | January 19, 2009 7:18 PM
"Please stop me at 5, would you - '.05', that is ? I don't want to take some risk of exceeding my limits or whatever- me, a '150+ time loser' and all !........Could put me away for good."
Posted by: Sam L. | January 19, 2009 7:53 PM
Excuse me, I ordered a Shirley Temple
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | January 19, 2009 8:01 PM
My name is Muhammad Hussein Aljabaar. I've just been released from Guantanamo Bay for allegedly plotting a bring down the Sears Tower. I'm here to fix the floor.
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | January 19, 2009 8:03 PM
"Oh, your 'customers' here just gonna 'dis' on my chin and mouth, some feature, you know, like kids, like some dumbass 'sophomore' will ! Even 'jailbirds' somehow more decent and feeling. Huh ! The 'worst elements' here on the outside ! Who knew ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 19, 2009 8:56 PM
oops, correction:
"My name is Muhammad Hussein Aljabaar. I've just been released from Guantanamo Bay for allegedly plotting to bring down the Sears Tower. I'm here to fix the floor."
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | January 19, 2009 10:16 PM
"Hi. Can I use your bathroom?"
Posted by: Deborah | January 19, 2009 10:44 PM
"Have you seen 69? I really miss him/she/it/her/whatever"
Posted by: djack | January 19, 2009 11:05 PM
"You really should do something about this flooring. It's definitely not up to code."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 19, 2009 11:16 PM
"So that's my idea for a prison reality hoax show. Every episode the warden and guards let a few inmates tunnel into a strange new setting and they hang out there and shoot the shit, menace people or just chill. See, I busted out because no agents would take my calls on account of the prison area code. So could I use your phone?"
Posted by: mort drucker | January 19, 2009 11:20 PM
"Actually, I tunneled up from hell. People think because of the stripes that I'm doing time. But in hell there is no time. Just the same, unchanging seeringingly painful eternal moment."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 19, 2009 11:31 PM
"I knew I should've taken a left turn at Albuquerque."
Posted by: znufrii | January 19, 2009 11:32 PM
"What? You think I can't see that cell phone inside that bar rag? You think I can't see you punching 911? My own son! Turning in his dear papa! It's like something from a tale of yore. A tale of plans gone awry and placid chinless men!"
Posted by: mort drucker | January 19, 2009 11:38 PM
"I just escaped from a concentration camp."
Posted by: John Tabin | January 20, 2009 1:09 AM
"Whaddya mean Mad Men is on hiatus?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 20, 2009 1:36 AM
"I just escaped from prison and boy is my anus tired."
Posted by: J.D. | January 20, 2009 1:42 AM
It's called Drinkability. After a hard week of tunneling with my (fwip) shovel and (zzp) pickaxe . . .
Posted by: Sally Kramer | January 20, 2009 2:32 AM
"Before I head off to my job as a ref, I should warn you there's a serious safety hazard over here."
Posted by: Steve_O | January 20, 2009 5:57 AM
"Say, we don't get many escaped convicts in here."
"And at these prices, you won't get many more!"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 20, 2009 5:58 AM
"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Especially the rape victims."
Posted by: Capt. Spaulding | January 20, 2009 6:00 AM
"The lousy food and sadistic guards I could stand. I just got tired of being someone's bitch every night."
Posted by: Mork | January 20, 2009 6:01 AM
"The passion's just not there any more. It seems like he's just going through the motions when he slams me against the cell wall and buttrapes me."
Posted by: Mork | January 20, 2009 6:04 AM
"I'm a little short of cash actually. Can you start a tab in the name of Bernie Madoff?"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 20, 2009 6:05 AM
"The US Constitution forbids cruel and unusual punishment. Repetitive anal gang rape is normal and not so bad I guess."
Posted by: J.D. | January 20, 2009 6:37 AM
"Just my luck- I bust out to watch the inauguration and wind up in a joint with a 10-inch TV."
"My Prospector's Platter fell down but the 48 oz. sirloin looks OK. Can I just have some regular utensils?"
"I brought along a couple of widgets- do you mind?"
Posted by: LV | January 20, 2009 7:36 AM
"Luckily, there weren't any black people there to see it."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | January 20, 2009 8:50 AM
"You wouldn't believe the size cake you need to smuggle in an ax and shovel like this."
Seriously, you realize how much shorter the Shawkshank Redemption would have been if they let Tim Robbins just have an axe instead of that little rock hammer?
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | January 20, 2009 8:54 AM
"I'd like another beer please."
Posted by: J.D. | January 20, 2009 9:37 AM
America inaugurates a black President. Who'da thunk it? Let's toast - Rocco, this shot's on me . . .
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | January 20, 2009 10:03 AM
I doubt the structural integrity of your floor.
Posted by: Brian L | January 20, 2009 11:37 AM
Where are all the chicks?
Posted by: Greg Urbaitis | January 20, 2009 11:58 AM
"Am I late? I'm supposed to meet a guy in a biohazard suit, a large potato and a business man wearing heels."
Posted by: Richard H | January 20, 2009 1:24 PM
I think now I'll try a screwdriver.
Posted by: therblig | January 20, 2009 1:45 PM
Waddya mean it's not "creme de men"? Damn cellmates lied to me all those years.
Posted by: therblig | January 20, 2009 2:13 PM
Boy am I glad I'm not the only white man in China.
Posted by: inky tea | January 20, 2009 2:24 PM
"It's clean enough."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 20, 2009 2:24 PM
"It's clean enough."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 20, 2009 2:24 PM
"Only two beers on tap, and one is a Coors Arctic Ice?! I'm going somewhere else ... ."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 20, 2009 4:13 PM
"People viewing this cartoon may have corrrectly deduced (from the cleanliness of my uniform) that I have NOT dug out of prison, but am actualy digging a hole in the floor of this bar, probably on some sort of work-release program, and am now taking a break. They're probably wondering when I am going to get back to work. OK if I have another beer, first?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 20, 2009 4:46 PM
"I'll have a Sexual Assault on the Beach."
Posted by: Francis | January 20, 2009 5:18 PM
"Yeah, I look like a candy cane. So what?"
Posted by: NJtoTX | January 20, 2009 8:19 PM
"A negro is President? Hah! So what's the Vice President, a fag? And I suppose a hooker is Secretary of State."
Posted by: Glenn | January 20, 2009 8:26 PM
"So does any of the old Enron gang still hang out here?"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 20, 2009 9:18 PM
Hey, Kool Aid.
Posted by: mypalmike | January 20, 2009 10:29 PM
"Do I look like Billy D Fucking Williams? I was asking for a Colt .45 handgun!"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 20, 2009 10:53 PM
"See ya on the outside, prison bartender."
Posted by: David John | January 20, 2009 10:55 PM
"huh, huh. Dig, dig, dig... No jail kin hold Melvin Mole!"
Posted by: Richard | January 20, 2009 11:48 PM
"Oh, crap! I left my hotplate on!"
Posted by: Steve_O | January 20, 2009 11:51 PM
Besides me, no one except McGinley is back from the original. And Bay farmed out the directing to his nephew Scooter . . .
Posted by: Sloopy | January 21, 2009 2:36 AM
"Gimme a scotch on the rocks, and I mean real rocks."
Posted by: Rob | January 21, 2009 7:01 AM
"I planned my escape for years, spent six months digging the tunnel, emerged right in the middle of my favorite bar. Somehow it's not quite living up to my expectations."
Posted by: Richard H | January 21, 2009 8:49 AM
"I just had to get out in time for the Inauguration. What do you mean it was yesterday?"
Posted by: Richard H | January 21, 2009 8:50 AM
"... and lights-out was at 10. And then on March 19, 2002, I woke up at 6 a.m., and we had lineup, then breakfast. It was scrambled eggs, a roll and coffee. And then ..."
Posted by: Joshua | January 21, 2009 9:20 AM
"If you don't like it, why open a bar next to a prison?"
Posted by: Joshua | January 21, 2009 9:28 AM
"I told ya -- there isn't a wine cellar in the world that can hold Joe Muncie."
Posted by: Joshua | January 21, 2009 9:36 AM
"It's time to call a spade a spade. I'm a murderer. With a spade. I mean, shovel."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 21, 2009 11:43 AM
"In prison, we could only clean the glasses with spit. You know, that and an occasional drop of cactus juice."
Posted by: MShaw | January 21, 2009 11:47 AM
"... but you're probably sick of listening to my problems."
Posted by: Charles | January 21, 2009 12:26 PM
Hey Cheney, who do I have to extraordinarily rendition to get a refill here?
Posted by: Charles | January 21, 2009 12:36 PM
Someone pushed my stool in...
Posted by: K Siers Jr. | January 21, 2009 12:42 PM
"Where can a guy get a decent manicure around here?"
Posted by: Wile E. Chipotle | January 21, 2009 12:59 PM
"All I hear from my prison bitch is 'nag nag nag.'"
Posted by: Mo Buck | January 21, 2009 2:22 PM
"Who do I have to mouth rape to get a drink around here?"
Posted by: mobuck | January 21, 2009 2:26 PM
(1) "Give me another drink right now, ya dig? Cuz I dig! Ha, get it? Oh man, I kill me! Well actually, I kill other people! HA! I'm on a roll!"
(2) "Is that tossed salad on your menu? Damn, it's just like being back in prison."
Posted by: Jacob C | January 21, 2009 3:27 PM
"I was known as 'Fagin' inside...which is a hell of a lot better than 'fag', let me tell you."
Posted by: Von Go | January 21, 2009 5:56 PM
"I ordered a cat piss. This tastes like O'Douls."
Posted by: Rob | January 21, 2009 6:03 PM
"What do you mean my Governor of Illinois photo ID isn't acceptable ?"
Posted by: Greg | January 21, 2009 6:06 PM
"Not all that bad, discounting the occasional sodomizing....but that goes without saying, of course."
Posted by: Von Go | January 21, 2009 6:15 PM
"You don't get many escaped convicts in here, do you?...At these prices I'm not surprised."
Posted by: al in la | January 21, 2009 7:07 PM
"I couldn't take it anymore. Every gangbanger in the joint wants to be president now."
Posted by: Rob | January 21, 2009 8:27 PM
"Gaza, hunh ?! Yeah ? They looking for 'tunnelers' ?"
Posted by: Von Go | January 21, 2009 10:33 PM
"Let me go back and bring you a really nice stool sample."
Posted by: Henry | January 21, 2009 10:35 PM
"Enough, already. I can see your fucking face in the reflection."
Posted by: Ted | January 21, 2009 10:37 PM
"Freedom is great, but I'm still not sure it was worth smuggling that pick and shovel into prison in my rectum."
Posted by: Mork | January 21, 2009 10:59 PM
"....'sadist', nah, not especially, except, well, you know, the '64'- it's been 'mind-fucking' your crowd of pathetic, drunk 'losers' all week !...But, nah, nothing hard-core."
Posted by: Von Go | January 21, 2009 11:47 PM
"...of course, while no one should ever assume they'll receive clemency, I've decided to be decidedly pro-active in my situation."
Posted by: Greg | January 22, 2009 12:25 AM
" I used to have trouble getting girlfriends, but now I have my pick."
Posted by: Greg | January 22, 2009 12:30 AM
...and then my cellmate said "Rectum? I hardly touched 'em!" It was probably funnier if you were there.
Posted by: Mork | January 22, 2009 12:33 AM
"..life isn't fair...I'm just standin' here havin' a drink, and you got me pegged as an ex-con already."
Posted by: Greg | January 22, 2009 12:34 AM
(Bartender)"Okay, now serving number 61... 61?...hmmm... Okay, serving number 62!... Number 62?"
"As a casual observer I'd suggest that you'd increase business if there were chairs, tables or bar-stools in here... but what do I know... I can't even find a decent crack house so I had to tunnel here!"
"Me? I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die... sorry, I thought I could pay with Cash!"
Posted by: Johnny V | January 22, 2009 5:31 AM
"If Obama does not dissolve the Federal Reserve private "banking" crime syndicate and its CIA death squad then it proves he is just another errand boy. If he does dissolve them like JFK tried, well, they'll blow his head off in broad daylight. They would then explain the assassination away with a ridiculous fairy tale about a lone nut gunman shooting magic bullets, as a warning and vexation to decent, intelligent people everywhere. Either way we're fucked."
Posted by: J.D. | January 22, 2009 9:05 AM
Gotta run. Curfew's at 11:00.
Posted by: boneguy | January 22, 2009 10:07 AM
Miller Lite? Fuck that, I'm going back - we make better tasting hooch than that in the cell toilet with a couple packs of sugar and some rotting fruit.
Posted by: Junior | January 22, 2009 10:27 AM
That's the last time I order Amontillado.
Posted by: therblig | January 22, 2009 11:34 AM
"It'll be great pub for your 'Hand Grenade'."
Posted by: Von Go | January 22, 2009 11:48 AM
"Yeah, I'm a drunk. But a highly motivated, remarkably determined drunk...Give me that at least."
Posted by: al in la | January 22, 2009 12:22 PM
"Look, alls I'm sayin' is it took Bush four years to take the oath of office twice, but it only took Obama two days. Capiche?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 22, 2009 1:00 PM
"So, tell me, is the usual escapee discount still in effect?"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 22, 2009 1:09 PM
Voices, out of frame: "NORM!!"
Posted by: Tim H | January 22, 2009 1:22 PM
"Geez, do you have to keep playing Jailhouse Rock
?"Posted by: Kathy H | January 22, 2009 1:25 PM
"No, it was more the 'Wazzup, Eight-Times-Eight ?' which inspired it....being ex of Citigroup like that."
Posted by: Crystal Math | January 22, 2009 2:23 PM
"I don't enjoy being married anymore. It almost feels like I'm in prison."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 22, 2009 2:31 PM
"What a day! First, I'm already at my construction job when I realize the stupid tailor made my new zoot suit with horizontal stripes instead of vertical. Worse, the embarrassing $64 price tag is still on my back. And then I narrowly escape being killed when a meteor crashes through the roof. I need a drink."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | January 22, 2009 2:37 PM
"Next stop: IHOP"
Posted by: Ned | January 22, 2009 3:20 PM
"Next stop: IHOP."
Posted by: Ned | January 22, 2009 3:21 PM
Which way to Whoretown?
Posted by: Ned | January 22, 2009 3:22 PM
"Stripes are the new solids."
Posted by: Ned | January 22, 2009 3:27 PM
"So let me get this straight -- you're telling me this is not China."
Posted by: Ned | January 22, 2009 3:32 PM
"I came here for the cheap labor and lax environmental restrictions, not the booze."
Posted by: Ned | January 22, 2009 3:44 PM
"Name's Steve. How's tricks?"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 22, 2009 4:54 PM
" .... and lemme tell ya, it ain't easy tunneling out with just a pickaxe and a lawn edger."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 22, 2009 5:21 PM
"I think I have had enough. I don't like to drink and dig"
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | January 22, 2009 8:00 PM
who farted?
Posted by: firebus | January 22, 2009 9:06 PM
"Oy, vat a headache I got from that hole. A dog shouldn't suffer as much. And I'm not jut kvetching, my friend. Give me a bissiner drink, vill you?"
Posted by: Moishe | January 22, 2009 11:00 PM
"Put it on my tab"
Posted by: BB | January 22, 2009 11:25 PM
That is the worst puppet show EVER. Oh, and by the way -- nice nose.
Posted by: Frankie Bones | January 23, 2009 1:19 AM
Fuck. This used to be a TGI Friday's.
Posted by: LOD | January 23, 2009 8:26 AM
I'm not finishing this trap door until I get my full payment.
Posted by: Tron | January 23, 2009 2:43 PM
"I wish there was a hole that I could climb into so I could shut out the world...oh good, there's a hole right behind me."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | January 23, 2009 4:53 PM
"....it's quarter to three, there's no one in the place, except you and me....so hold my hand Joe...."
Posted by: Greg | January 23, 2009 6:17 PM
"My ID? What, do I look like I just came from juvie?"
Posted by: Vince | January 23, 2009 8:30 PM
"The minute I finish this beer, I'll go back and help Number Six! (Pause) Actually...this beer is so good I think I'll have another one. What's the rush, you know? He can wait."
"As soon as I was assigned this number, I got old and started losing my hair. How is that possible?"
Posted by: David F | January 23, 2009 11:00 PM
I'll tell you what the toughest part of being a child molester is - getting the blood off your clown suit.
(not my joke, but a fitting a-cap)
Posted by: ashamed to tell | January 23, 2009 11:49 PM
You know any good gay bars?
Posted by: Shawn | January 23, 2009 11:51 PM
"Don't be alarmed. Regular readers of the Daily News will know this is just Bill Gallo's way of saying the Knicks are no longer in last place."
Posted by: al in la | January 24, 2009 1:04 AM
"That's right, the money goes in the bag. And after that, I need your clothes. No, wait, do the clothes first."
Posted by: Joshua | January 24, 2009 1:54 AM
If my warden calls, tell him I'm not here.
Posted by: mdoyle | January 24, 2009 9:12 AM
"My bitch doesn't understand me."
Posted by: Mdoyle | January 24, 2009 9:13 AM
"Yes, prison rape IS hilarious -- until it happens to someone you love. Like my cellmate."
Posted by: mdoyle | January 24, 2009 9:32 AM
"That's it ? Retro baseball cap, novelty beard & whiskers ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 24, 2009 12:15 PM
I told them--give me any prisoner number you want as long as it's an exponent of two.
Posted by: skibum | January 24, 2009 6:27 PM
"Yes, I'm Dick Hertz and I believe that call is for me. But who knows that I'm here?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 24, 2009 6:36 PM
"Did anybody ever tell you that curtains are supposed to be hung ABOVE the window?"
Posted by: Captain Assclown | January 25, 2009 12:58 AM
"Are we going back to f...... Prohibition here ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 25, 2009 9:34 AM
- In the last years of The Republic, narrow mercantile interest or utter hedonistic self-absorption had become so endemic in the population of 'pleasure's proprietors' that desperate prisoners often needed to tunnel through no more than several hundred yards of bedrock to make good their escapes, as though before glazed eyes. -
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 25, 2009 10:24 AM
"Now you mention 'long arm', my boy got on over at the local 'training restaurant'...poor kid."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | January 25, 2009 11:56 AM
"What is that vest, like a 44? A 46? You wouldn't have an extra one lying around? I don't even know my size anymore. I'm so buff from fighting off the Skinheads and Crips and Bloods, not to mention the 8 hours of digging every night. Do you work out? You're arms look pretty wimpy but maybe you're small boned. I had a brother who was small boned. He's dead now. Killed for walking down the street. Helluva world. Hey, you wouldn't happen to have an alternate tunnel out of here? I think I hear the swat team coming and mine's flooded. Trouble follows me around but I regret nothing."
Posted by: mort drucker | January 25, 2009 9:11 PM
"Well, you could have opted for "treat," but nooooo, and now you've got a big hole in your floor. Happy fuckin' Halloween, bub."
Posted by: Bou | January 25, 2009 11:18 PM
"The irony is, I got thrown into jail in the first place for tearing up a bar with a pick and a shovel."
Posted by: Steve_O | January 25, 2009 11:40 PM
"Zima is history? That's it. I'm heading back."
Posted by: Matthew Hutson | January 25, 2009 11:48 PM
"Well, I've got a shadow. I guess my sentence has another six weeks on it."
Posted by: Matthew Hutson | January 25, 2009 11:50 PM
Did you see My bloody valentine? Ok, good. I'll have a drink and a used tampon, if you've got any.
Posted by: Brian L | January 26, 2009 1:14 AM
Lessee: three bottles, two taps, one customer, none waiting...I got into Yale on the strength of yust my test scores...series progressions, you know? I can get this...
Posted by: bob cleary | January 26, 2009 2:47 AM
I'd love to claim the unofficial prize for "last entry before contest closing."
Posted by: Bob Dernier | January 26, 2009 4:30 AM
"I don't want to tell you how to run your bar, but you'd probably do better business if you weren't located behind a maximum-security prison."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 26, 2009 9:24 AM
"The total lack of seating is at least part of why this place is so popular with the recently sodomized."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 26, 2009 9:27 AM
"My former cellmate claimed there'd be something important buried there, but it turns out just to be a coupon for one free Reuben, redeemable at any Shawshank's Deli."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 26, 2009 9:30 AM
"My former cellmate claimed there'd be something important buried there, but I guess that wife-murdering asshole was just fucking with me. Anyway, I'm off to the handgun store, to buy a pocketwatch."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 26, 2009 9:33 AM
"I'm inmate #64. It's an intimate, Montessori-style prison."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | January 26, 2009 9:38 AM
May I have a beer, please.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | January 26, 2009 4:42 PM
"Joe, make it one for my baby, and one more for the highly unlikely escape tunnel."
Posted by: Galoux | January 27, 2009 9:28 AM
That's quite the rubber armband you have there. How long have you been shooting Heroin? I know, I know, long enough that you thought going shirtless with a black vest and bow tie was a good idea. When you're done stuffing celery stalks into that Magnum Condom how bout you slip over here into this Den of Iniquity I just made. My chest isn't the only thing that looks bigger behind horizontal stripes.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 27, 2009 1:49 PM
That's quite the rubber armband you have there. How long have you been shooting Heroin? I know, I know, long enough that you thought going shirtless with a black vest and bow tie was a good idea. When you're done stuffing celery stalks into that Magnum Condom how bout you slip over here into this Den of Iniquity I just made. My chest isn't the only thing that looks bigger behind horizontal stripes.
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | January 27, 2009 1:50 PM