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January 19, 2009

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #178

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon.

Last week's results. Rules and tips.

090126_contest_p465.jpg

First place
"Way I see it, drowning yer sorrows is like drowning yer kids -- gotta make sure there ain't no more bubbles before you start on the next one." — Jared S.

Second place
"Someone pushed my stool in." — K Siers Jr.

Third place
"I'll have a Sexual Assault on the Beach." —Francis

Honorable mention
"You don't have a web site? Jesus, I've got one and I'm a convicted pedophile. Get with times! By the way, is that a picture of your son?" —MAtt

"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Especially the rape victims."—Capt. Spaulding

"I'll bet that mustache is a clip-on............the Happy Hours here are
obscene.............it's good there aren't any black people here to see this..........are you listening to anything I say?"—Rob

"Hey, Jack, which way to Mecca?" —TG Gibbon

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"My bar stool fell through the floor, but I can fix it right now and get work-release credit."

"Loved the MGD 64. And for the boys I'll take a pitcher of Appletinis 64 to go."

Classic Comic Caption: "Say, buddy, which way's Mecca?"

I was behind bars and you're behind the bar. Ironic as shit, isn't it?

I'm a metaphore for a society that has gone down the wrong path and gotten locked into a bad situation but the highest goal we can imagine is just to get so drunk we forget how desperate we are and never actually improve our lot. Funny, isn't it?

YOu really ought to consider putting some seating in here.

"The hardest part was the digging."

Remember when we were robbing that bank? And we had masks on? And you yelled over to me "Hey, Bill, you should see this teller, he could be your twin!" Remember that?

"Do these stripes make me look like I'm fat? And like I've been sodomizing men?"

Classic Comic Caption Correction: "Hey, Jack, which way to Mecca?"

"I'll have a Shirley Temple."

Yer cuttin' me off? Why? Whad'I do?

"I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world."

"You know, most guys would've grown a Van Dyke to cover their weak chin, but you've decided to draw the eyes upward with the first toothbrush mustache since Adolf Hitler. Bravo on such bold move, sir!"

"The holes in prison were smaller, and darker. They were as rank and foul-smelling as this one, but you didn't mind. And there wasn't any digging involved - you started by using your fingers, slowly, and then just stuck it in there, hoping it would grow. Sounds a lot like planting flowers, don't it? HA! Yeah, that's what it was! Got you worried there for sec, didn't I?"

*sigh*

"Yeah...Jimmy and Pedro, best fuckin' flowers a guy could have."

"Just my luck. I dig my way on of prison on the morning after Halloween."

"Come on. Just one more beer. I promise I won't start smashing the floor again with my pick just because it's a pilsner."

"Fred, seriously, come on! Yes, it was funny that we happened to emerge in this bar after-hours, but enough playing around - someone's gonna catch us! Let's GO!!!"

"I guess you can probably smell it by now, but I should tell you - I just took a huge, huge crap right in the middle of your floor."

"Okay, so you hire me to put on this stupid prison costume, dig a hole in your floor, shtup your disgusting wife while she's tied in the basement, and now you won't even give me a drink? What kind of place is this, anyway?"

"Wait, wait, wait... so you were 'just kidding' and it's not a costume party? Or a party at all? Or even a room that has chairs?"

No, I don't have a gun, but I have a pickaxe, so give me all the fucking money in the till.

"Way I see it, drowning yer sorrows is like drowning yer kids -- gotta make sure there ain't no more bubbles."

that should be "Way I see it, drowning yer sorrows is like drowning yer kids -- gotta make sure there ain't no more bubbles before you start on the next one."

"You have a pretty mouth."

"You don't have a web site? Jesus, I've got one and I'm a convicted pedophile. Get with times! By the way, is that a picture of your son?"

"So my prison shrink says to me, 'You think you are worthless because you commit sex crimes.' And I was like, 'Oh yeah, well you can't spell 'Banal Therapist' without 'anal rapist.' Boo-Ya! So I raped him, broke out of prison, and here I am!"

"...and that's the difference between 'deer nuts' and 'beer nuts.'"

Well that's how it goes and Joe, I know your gettin' pretty anxious to close

So, thanks for the cheer, I hope you didn't mind my bendin' your ear

This torch that I found must be drowned or it soon might explode

So, make it one for my baby and one more for the road

That long, long road

"I prefer to see this as a comment on the death of Patrick McGoohan."

The funny thing is: I was going to be released in one week. If they catch me, I'll go back to prison for years. But I am an alcoholic.

"You rubbed the magic glass, so here I am. Three wishes. And how I grant them is none of your business, capisce? May I suggest making bar stools and better body odor a priority?"

It's nice to have a Happy Hour that doesn't include half-price jizz.

"Gimme a J&B&E on the rocks."

"I'll bet that mustache is a clip-on............the Happy Hours here are
obscene.............it's good there aren't any black people here to see this..........are you listening to anything I say?"

I am not a number, I'm a free man.

Do you guys serve food here?

You know what I can't escape? The feeling that my compulsive drinking has kept me from leading a responsible and happy life.

Hey, bartender. Who do you have to anally rape to get a drink around here?

"So, where's the old gang? That lawyer with the women's shoes? Mr. Potato Head? It's funny who you miss most when you're in prison. Anyway, pour me another Tabasco and let's do some more ice fishing for Christ's sake."

"I just had to escape. Not one black guy would anally rape me in prison."

"The 'hors'* here are unseen." *(appetizers, that is)

" 'CULLUM'S', another hole down in the village. Chris', the 'trannies' in there...preening on their barstools, and so forth."

"It's a good thing there are no 'rats' in here to see this."

"I'd mix oranges, sugar and a few packettes of ketchup in a garbage bag. Let it all ferment a few days. Then store it in the toilet...How do you make your wine?"

"Please stop me at 5, would you - '.05', that is ? I don't want to take some risk of exceeding my limits or whatever- me, a '150+ time loser' and all !........Could put me away for good."

Excuse me, I ordered a Shirley Temple

My name is Muhammad Hussein Aljabaar. I've just been released from Guantanamo Bay for allegedly plotting a bring down the Sears Tower. I'm here to fix the floor.

"Oh, your 'customers' here just gonna 'dis' on my chin and mouth, some feature, you know, like kids, like some dumbass 'sophomore' will ! Even 'jailbirds' somehow more decent and feeling. Huh ! The 'worst elements' here on the outside ! Who knew ?!"

oops, correction:

"My name is Muhammad Hussein Aljabaar. I've just been released from Guantanamo Bay for allegedly plotting to bring down the Sears Tower. I'm here to fix the floor."

"Hi. Can I use your bathroom?"

"Have you seen 69? I really miss him/she/it/her/whatever"

"You really should do something about this flooring. It's definitely not up to code."

"So that's my idea for a prison reality hoax show. Every episode the warden and guards let a few inmates tunnel into a strange new setting and they hang out there and shoot the shit, menace people or just chill. See, I busted out because no agents would take my calls on account of the prison area code. So could I use your phone?"

"Actually, I tunneled up from hell. People think because of the stripes that I'm doing time. But in hell there is no time. Just the same, unchanging seeringingly painful eternal moment."

"I knew I should've taken a left turn at Albuquerque."

"What? You think I can't see that cell phone inside that bar rag? You think I can't see you punching 911? My own son! Turning in his dear papa! It's like something from a tale of yore. A tale of plans gone awry and placid chinless men!"

"I just escaped from a concentration camp."

"Whaddya mean Mad Men is on hiatus?"

"I just escaped from prison and boy is my anus tired."

It's called Drinkability. After a hard week of tunneling with my (fwip) shovel and (zzp) pickaxe . . .

"Before I head off to my job as a ref, I should warn you there's a serious safety hazard over here."

"Say, we don't get many escaped convicts in here."
"And at these prices, you won't get many more!"

"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Especially the rape victims."

"The lousy food and sadistic guards I could stand. I just got tired of being someone's bitch every night."

"The passion's just not there any more. It seems like he's just going through the motions when he slams me against the cell wall and buttrapes me."

"I'm a little short of cash actually. Can you start a tab in the name of Bernie Madoff?"

"The US Constitution forbids cruel and unusual punishment. Repetitive anal gang rape is normal and not so bad I guess."

"Just my luck- I bust out to watch the inauguration and wind up in a joint with a 10-inch TV."

"My Prospector's Platter fell down but the 48 oz. sirloin looks OK. Can I just have some regular utensils?"

"I brought along a couple of widgets- do you mind?"

"Luckily, there weren't any black people there to see it."

"You wouldn't believe the size cake you need to smuggle in an ax and shovel like this."


Seriously, you realize how much shorter the Shawkshank Redemption would have been if they let Tim Robbins just have an axe instead of that little rock hammer?

"I'd like another beer please."

America inaugurates a black President. Who'da thunk it? Let's toast - Rocco, this shot's on me . . .

I doubt the structural integrity of your floor.

Where are all the chicks?

"Am I late? I'm supposed to meet a guy in a biohazard suit, a large potato and a business man wearing heels."

I think now I'll try a screwdriver.

Waddya mean it's not "creme de men"? Damn cellmates lied to me all those years.

Boy am I glad I'm not the only white man in China.

"It's clean enough."

"It's clean enough."

"Only two beers on tap, and one is a Coors Arctic Ice?! I'm going somewhere else ... ."

"People viewing this cartoon may have corrrectly deduced (from the cleanliness of my uniform) that I have NOT dug out of prison, but am actualy digging a hole in the floor of this bar, probably on some sort of work-release program, and am now taking a break. They're probably wondering when I am going to get back to work. OK if I have another beer, first?"

"I'll have a Sexual Assault on the Beach."

"Yeah, I look like a candy cane. So what?"

"A negro is President? Hah! So what's the Vice President, a fag? And I suppose a hooker is Secretary of State."

"So does any of the old Enron gang still hang out here?"

Hey, Kool Aid.

"Do I look like Billy D Fucking Williams? I was asking for a Colt .45 handgun!"

"See ya on the outside, prison bartender."

"huh, huh. Dig, dig, dig... No jail kin hold Melvin Mole!"

"Oh, crap! I left my hotplate on!"

Besides me, no one except McGinley is back from the original. And Bay farmed out the directing to his nephew Scooter . . .

"Gimme a scotch on the rocks, and I mean real rocks."

"I planned my escape for years, spent six months digging the tunnel, emerged right in the middle of my favorite bar. Somehow it's not quite living up to my expectations."

"I just had to get out in time for the Inauguration. What do you mean it was yesterday?"

"... and lights-out was at 10. And then on March 19, 2002, I woke up at 6 a.m., and we had lineup, then breakfast. It was scrambled eggs, a roll and coffee. And then ..."

"If you don't like it, why open a bar next to a prison?"

"I told ya -- there isn't a wine cellar in the world that can hold Joe Muncie."

"It's time to call a spade a spade. I'm a murderer. With a spade. I mean, shovel."

"In prison, we could only clean the glasses with spit. You know, that and an occasional drop of cactus juice."

"... but you're probably sick of listening to my problems."

Hey Cheney, who do I have to extraordinarily rendition to get a refill here?

Someone pushed my stool in...

"Where can a guy get a decent manicure around here?"

"All I hear from my prison bitch is 'nag nag nag.'"

"Who do I have to mouth rape to get a drink around here?"

(1) "Give me another drink right now, ya dig? Cuz I dig! Ha, get it? Oh man, I kill me! Well actually, I kill other people! HA! I'm on a roll!"

(2) "Is that tossed salad on your menu? Damn, it's just like being back in prison."

"I was known as 'Fagin' inside...which is a hell of a lot better than 'fag', let me tell you."

"I ordered a cat piss. This tastes like O'Douls."

"What do you mean my Governor of Illinois photo ID isn't acceptable ?"

"Not all that bad, discounting the occasional sodomizing....but that goes without saying, of course."

"You don't get many escaped convicts in here, do you?...At these prices I'm not surprised."

"I couldn't take it anymore. Every gangbanger in the joint wants to be president now."

"Gaza, hunh ?! Yeah ? They looking for 'tunnelers' ?"

"Let me go back and bring you a really nice stool sample."

"Enough, already. I can see your fucking face in the reflection."

"Freedom is great, but I'm still not sure it was worth smuggling that pick and shovel into prison in my rectum."

"....'sadist', nah, not especially, except, well, you know, the '64'- it's been 'mind-fucking' your crowd of pathetic, drunk 'losers' all week !...But, nah, nothing hard-core."

"...of course, while no one should ever assume they'll receive clemency, I've decided to be decidedly pro-active in my situation."

" I used to have trouble getting girlfriends, but now I have my pick."

...and then my cellmate said "Rectum? I hardly touched 'em!" It was probably funnier if you were there.

"..life isn't fair...I'm just standin' here havin' a drink, and you got me pegged as an ex-con already."

(Bartender)"Okay, now serving number 61... 61?...hmmm... Okay, serving number 62!... Number 62?"

"As a casual observer I'd suggest that you'd increase business if there were chairs, tables or bar-stools in here... but what do I know... I can't even find a decent crack house so I had to tunnel here!"

"Me? I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die... sorry, I thought I could pay with Cash!"

"If Obama does not dissolve the Federal Reserve private "banking" crime syndicate and its CIA death squad then it proves he is just another errand boy. If he does dissolve them like JFK tried, well, they'll blow his head off in broad daylight. They would then explain the assassination away with a ridiculous fairy tale about a lone nut gunman shooting magic bullets, as a warning and vexation to decent, intelligent people everywhere. Either way we're fucked."

Gotta run. Curfew's at 11:00.

Miller Lite? Fuck that, I'm going back - we make better tasting hooch than that in the cell toilet with a couple packs of sugar and some rotting fruit.

That's the last time I order Amontillado.

"It'll be great pub for your 'Hand Grenade'."

"Yeah, I'm a drunk. But a highly motivated, remarkably determined drunk...Give me that at least."

"Look, alls I'm sayin' is it took Bush four years to take the oath of office twice, but it only took Obama two days. Capiche?"

"So, tell me, is the usual escapee discount still in effect?"

Voices, out of frame: "NORM!!"

"Geez, do you have to keep playing Jailhouse Rock

?"

"No, it was more the 'Wazzup, Eight-Times-Eight ?' which inspired it....being ex of Citigroup like that."

"I don't enjoy being married anymore. It almost feels like I'm in prison."

"What a day! First, I'm already at my construction job when I realize the stupid tailor made my new zoot suit with horizontal stripes instead of vertical. Worse, the embarrassing $64 price tag is still on my back. And then I narrowly escape being killed when a meteor crashes through the roof. I need a drink."

"Next stop: IHOP"

"Next stop: IHOP."

Which way to Whoretown?

"Stripes are the new solids."

"So let me get this straight -- you're telling me this is not China."

"I came here for the cheap labor and lax environmental restrictions, not the booze."

"Name's Steve. How's tricks?"

" .... and lemme tell ya, it ain't easy tunneling out with just a pickaxe and a lawn edger."

"I think I have had enough. I don't like to drink and dig"

who farted?

"Oy, vat a headache I got from that hole. A dog shouldn't suffer as much. And I'm not jut kvetching, my friend. Give me a bissiner drink, vill you?"

"Put it on my tab"

That is the worst puppet show EVER. Oh, and by the way -- nice nose.

Fuck. This used to be a TGI Friday's.

I'm not finishing this trap door until I get my full payment.

"I wish there was a hole that I could climb into so I could shut out the world...oh good, there's a hole right behind me."

"....it's quarter to three, there's no one in the place, except you and me....so hold my hand Joe...."

"My ID? What, do I look like I just came from juvie?"

"The minute I finish this beer, I'll go back and help Number Six! (Pause) Actually...this beer is so good I think I'll have another one. What's the rush, you know? He can wait."

"As soon as I was assigned this number, I got old and started losing my hair. How is that possible?"

I'll tell you what the toughest part of being a child molester is - getting the blood off your clown suit.

(not my joke, but a fitting a-cap)

You know any good gay bars?

"Don't be alarmed. Regular readers of the Daily News will know this is just Bill Gallo's way of saying the Knicks are no longer in last place."

"That's right, the money goes in the bag. And after that, I need your clothes. No, wait, do the clothes first."

If my warden calls, tell him I'm not here.

"My bitch doesn't understand me."

"Yes, prison rape IS hilarious -- until it happens to someone you love. Like my cellmate."

"That's it ? Retro baseball cap, novelty beard & whiskers ?!"

I told them--give me any prisoner number you want as long as it's an exponent of two.

"Yes, I'm Dick Hertz and I believe that call is for me. But who knows that I'm here?"

"Did anybody ever tell you that curtains are supposed to be hung ABOVE the window?"

"Are we going back to f...... Prohibition here ?!"

- In the last years of The Republic, narrow mercantile interest or utter hedonistic self-absorption had become so endemic in the population of 'pleasure's proprietors' that desperate prisoners often needed to tunnel through no more than several hundred yards of bedrock to make good their escapes, as though before glazed eyes. -

"Now you mention 'long arm', my boy got on over at the local 'training restaurant'...poor kid."

"What is that vest, like a 44? A 46? You wouldn't have an extra one lying around? I don't even know my size anymore. I'm so buff from fighting off the Skinheads and Crips and Bloods, not to mention the 8 hours of digging every night. Do you work out? You're arms look pretty wimpy but maybe you're small boned. I had a brother who was small boned. He's dead now. Killed for walking down the street. Helluva world. Hey, you wouldn't happen to have an alternate tunnel out of here? I think I hear the swat team coming and mine's flooded. Trouble follows me around but I regret nothing."

"Well, you could have opted for "treat," but nooooo, and now you've got a big hole in your floor. Happy fuckin' Halloween, bub."

"The irony is, I got thrown into jail in the first place for tearing up a bar with a pick and a shovel."

"Zima is history? That's it. I'm heading back."

"Well, I've got a shadow. I guess my sentence has another six weeks on it."

Did you see My bloody valentine? Ok, good. I'll have a drink and a used tampon, if you've got any.

Lessee: three bottles, two taps, one customer, none waiting...I got into Yale on the strength of yust my test scores...series progressions, you know? I can get this...

I'd love to claim the unofficial prize for "last entry before contest closing."

"I don't want to tell you how to run your bar, but you'd probably do better business if you weren't located behind a maximum-security prison."

"The total lack of seating is at least part of why this place is so popular with the recently sodomized."

"My former cellmate claimed there'd be something important buried there, but it turns out just to be a coupon for one free Reuben, redeemable at any Shawshank's Deli."

"My former cellmate claimed there'd be something important buried there, but I guess that wife-murdering asshole was just fucking with me. Anyway, I'm off to the handgun store, to buy a pocketwatch."

"I'm inmate #64. It's an intimate, Montessori-style prison."

May I have a beer, please.

"Joe, make it one for my baby, and one more for the highly unlikely escape tunnel."

That's quite the rubber armband you have there. How long have you been shooting Heroin? I know, I know, long enough that you thought going shirtless with a black vest and bow tie was a good idea. When you're done stuffing celery stalks into that Magnum Condom how bout you slip over here into this Den of Iniquity I just made. My chest isn't the only thing that looks bigger behind horizontal stripes.

That's quite the rubber armband you have there. How long have you been shooting Heroin? I know, I know, long enough that you thought going shirtless with a black vest and bow tie was a good idea. When you're done stuffing celery stalks into that Magnum Condom how bout you slip over here into this Den of Iniquity I just made. My chest isn't the only thing that looks bigger behind horizontal stripes.

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