December 15, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #174

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
The Worm: "Please, my little elven friend, stop gaping and get me out of this bird's mouth before it eats me!" —Ed

Second place
"Thanks, but I just had a giant omelet." —Steve_O

Third place
"The name's Magpie. Steve Magpie. I killed your hatchlings. Now feed me." — Francis

Honorable mention
"I curse the day legalized gay marriage led to legalized polygamy and legalized marriage to giant birds. You are a dreadful husband and you sicken me." — J.D. |

"You can't make me eat it. You're not my real mother." — JohnnyB

"Nice. But it's going to take a whole fucking lot more than that if you want this fucking Senate seat. Fuck." —Tim C.

"Aren't you going to chew it for me first? It's not as if I have a fucking knife and fork up here." — David

"They said that having sex with a giant bird would be a real feather in my cap, but somehow I don't think that's where it's going to end up." — therblig

"Well I say it's spinach and I say to hell with it!" —TG Gibbon

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"The name's Magpie. Steve Magpie. I killed your hatchlings. Now feed me."

"Well-a well-a well-a everybody's talking about my bird a-well a bird bird bird, about my bird a-well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word a-well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word she's sleeping around, that's what I heard WEEEEEELLLL everybody knows that my bird is a whore bah bah bah bird bird bird, my cheating bird bah bah bah bird bird bird..."

I know we're in a recession, but this youth hostel SUX.

Go away or Ill kill you.

"Good day, Mistress Crow. How well you are looking today: how glossy your feathers; how bright your eye. I feel sure your voice must surpass that of other birds, just as your figure does; let me hear but one song from you that I may greet you as the Queen of Birds. (Pauses, gets no response.) LET ME HEAR BUT ONE SONG FROM YOU THAT I MAY GREET YOU AS QUEEN OF THE BIRDS. (Pauses again, gets no response.) Fuck it just give me the worm.

(sighs) Im sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. Im sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. Im sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. Im sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. . . . .

"What'd you do with the tequila?"

"Christ, what a cloaca."

"Hey, I only asked to have my appendix removed! That's like two whole feet of intestine! What the hell kind of hospital is this anyway?"

"Well I say it's spinach and I say to hell with it!"

"Talk is cheap."

"And speaking of the Diet of Worms, did you know that Protestant icon Martin Luther was a rabid antisemite? According to Wikipedia:

"His main works on the Jews were his 60,000-word treatise Von den Juden und Ihren Lgen (On the Jews and Their Lies), and Vom Schem Hamphoras und vom Geschlecht Christi (On the Holy Name and the Lineage of Christ) — reprinted five times within his lifetime — both written in 1543, three years before his death. He argued that the Jews were no longer the chosen people, but were "the devil's people." They were "base, whoring people, that is, no people of God, and their boast of lineage, circumcision, and law must be accounted as filth." The synagogue was a "defiled bride, yes, an incorrigible whore and an evil slut ..." and Jews were full of the "devil's feces ... which they wallow in like swine." He advocated setting synagogues on fire, destroying Jewish prayerbooks, forbidding rabbis from preaching, seizing Jews' property and money, smashing up their homes, and ensuring that these "poisonous envenomed worms" be forced into labor or expelled "for all time." He also seemed to sanction their murder, writing "We are at fault in not slaying them."

And while we are on the subject, here is another interesting Wikipedia quote from the entry on Martin Luther King, Jr.:

"King's father was born "Michael King", and Martin Luther King, Jr. was originally named "Michael King, Jr.", until the family traveled to Europe in 1934 and visited Germany. His father soon changed both of their names to Martin in honor of the German Protestant Martin Luther."

"You can't make me eat it. You're not my real maother."

"mother" not "maother"

I swear my life has more sledgehammer symbolism than a bad Ken Russell film.

"I'm seeing lot of Turdus and not enough migratorius. So amscray!"

"Aren't you going to chew it for me first? It's not as if I have a fucking knife and fork up here."

"As long as that worm?!? No wonder I can't compete."

So how do I get down off this tree? And if you say, "You get down off a duck," I'll take a dump in your nest.

"Hope you like that worm; I stuffed it with rice. That's right, bitch. Enjoy your date with Uncle Ben."

"O.J. is going to spend possibly the rest of his life in the slammer, so there was no need to tear off and mutiliate his celebrated large penis at this point. If you were going to emasculate the charming sociopath, you should have done it in his youth, as clearly the worship of his oversized member by both males and females led to his having a boundless ego and no knowledge that there are negative consequences to abhorrent actions. In short, absent mitigating factors, a really big dick kept The Juice from learning the difference between right and wrong."

"The 'clears' here are obscene."

"Hey there, Enormous Bird. How's it hangin'?"

"Hey buddy - my eyes are over here."

"Home come I'm obviously drawn, but you look traced? Huh? Fuckin' traced bird. Tracey, tracey tracey!!! That's right, go ahead and look askew at it - you can't do anything else, you damn tracing."

"No, you're not - you're right on time. Why do you ask?"

"Goddamn Photoshop."

"I curse the day legalized gay marriage led to legalized polygamy and legalized marriage to giant birds. You are a dreadful husband and you sicken me."

Yeah, I know it's been a long time and yes, no doubt it's rancid but this is like a quest. I get back the dong of Long Dong Silver of Lilliput and get to be, I mean, marry the princess.

We'll split it. Clitellum for you, entrails for me.

I think I'd rather you simply killed me.

"I'm a vegetarian, goddammit!"

"No red red robin ever stopped anybody's sob sob sobbin'. And Al Jolson was so screwy he needed a blowjob from a chorus girl before every performance or his head would explode. FACT!"

"On second thought, sex first, dinner later."

"Gee ! The rare Gosh Hawk ?"

"Hi, there. I'm Bill, the new branch manager."

Ok, but I refuse to wear a thong.

"Thanks, but I just had a giant omelet."

"Nuclear war between India and Pakistan could lead to armageddon."

"There is a little tiny guy with a BlackBerry about to steal your nest egg."


"I suppose I should be grateful that you're trying to feed me, but my sense of entitlement prevents me."

- Professor of Fine Arts, Jamie J. Audubon, particular connoisseur of Japanese rice-paper tapestry. His wife Robin sometimes complained of 'widowhood to migratorial exhibitions'. In fairness to his wife Robin, Professor Audubon was no very great practitioner of husbandly obligation.....In a moment, The Twilight Zone ! -

"Thanks a lot, eHarmony."

"Great! Rat's eyeballs and a worm chaser."

Honey, did you really have to get the trump l'oeil wallpaper?

Yes, I'm in the catbird seat AND I'm a midget. Do you mind?

"I already told you, I'm not in to bukkake. Now if you want to piss in my ass, we can have a conversation."

"And there's so many things you can do with worm."

"Okay, I'll let you put it in my mouth, but if even THINK about trying to shove the whole thing down my throat I swear to God I'll kill you."

that should be "if you even THINK...."

Thanks, but no. Don't I look like I keep kosher?

"All that's left of Sheila is a section of her large intestine, hanging from the giant bird's beak, as it decides whether to eat me next, as some followup morsel, or save me for a future meal when stones - nay, rocks! - which it must have to aid its fantastic process of digestion - OH! - if only Darwin himself could have imagined such a species! - I ... am ... bored, bored I say. Be done with me, I have seen huge pencils and giant coffee mugs, do NOT think you are unique, my friend, you ... just ... ARE. Will thou be enlightened merely by dining on my flesh and on Sheila, poor, poor Sheila, whose womb was never to hold a child, my child, now inside thy great breast as thine own in some perverse way?

Answer me, you coward!! or let me gently down from this G-dforsaken branch of this unholy tree that smells of no less than Lucifer himself!

"I hat fucking Craigslist!"

"I hate fucking Craigslist!"

"The name's Audubon, John James Audubon. I wonder if you could see your way to giving me that scrap of roadkill in you beak as I am quite famished from climbing this giant tree. I would happily repay you with a sketch by Friday at the latest."

"And that, my dear bird, is the story of evolution and why you should abandon your plan to rip my liver out like you did all the others."

"Do you think for a moment that a giant bird is going to faze me. Every other fucking cartoon has some big ass object in it. You'd get more of a rise if your were normal sized. Now fuck off."

" 'How many morns, slick from its dribbling feast, the treejay's wings (slopped) will rivet him, Shredding light strings of annull'd, building long, Over their slain gray tatters, Fertil'ty - Then, with inviolate nerve, forsake our skies, As evanescent as sails that toss Our hedge of figures to be whisked away Ere auditors nab us --for 'disarray' ?' "

"Er...It's a good thing there are no blacks here, treed thus ?"

He may be able to fly all through the night
But he can't rock a party through the early light
He can't satisfy you with his little worm
But I can bust you out with my super sperm
I go do it - I go do it - I go do it - do it - do it

- Better substitute "INvalid curve" for "inviolate nerve" in near above. -

Clarice, is it?

"Anyone ever tell you you've got a red breast?"

You got the wrong tree, you freak.

"I don't need your pity. Asshole."

"How many times have I told you, Kevin -- I'm on South Beach. God, it's like you're not even listening to me anymore."

"Nice. But it's going to take a whole fucking lot more than that if you want this fucking Senate seat. Fuck."

"Look, it's no longer about bringing the pork back to your district. This is the new legislative branch."

"I think I'm having a bad acid trip, or maybe just some really weird dream."

"I'm talon on you."

"You're barking up the wrong tree, buddy... hey, wait, you're not a dog!"

"They're going to catch you someday -- my face is on milk cartons all over this land! And has been for the past 20 years!"

"I can see my house from here."

"Some days you're the bird, some days you're the worm and some days you're just a guy opening a new branch in a down economy."

"Oh, wow ! 'Lubricus terrestris' ?"

Whoa, this fuckin' Salvia's got me tripping BALLS !!!

In Soviet Union, early bird gets YOU !!!

"Peep! peep! peep! peep! peep!"

"I was here first!"

"I promise not to rest till Jays have the right to marry."

"That's right, mister. Take two of those and give me a bird call in the morning."

She likes worms and he likes fritatas,
She likes seeds and he likes tomatas.
She's a chick (in a major pigeon way),
He's a dwarf (and a tiny smidgen gay),
They're Steve and Claire,
The most unlikely pair,
To help you start your day
Good Morning...LA!!!!!

"OK, let me guess. Larry Bird? No. Jonathan Swift? No. Martin Sheen? No. Jay Leno? No. I got it- Robin Leach! Good one.

"And for my last wish, go leave a huge deposit on a new Beemer for me."

Jesus Christ, it's a giant bird!

I know, I know. All the writers nowadays are jumping their series into the future to give them new creative direction. I still don't think it works for "Jurassic Park".

So why is it that you're drawn in a hyper-realistic style, when I lack basic necessities like nostrils and ear holes? Is it meant to be part of the joke?

Before we're killed by the raging tsunami, I'd like to tell you that I'm not your real son and I've never loved you.

"You're early."

"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this."

"I decided to climb up here and kill myself after I waited 8 days to find out the results of last week's anti-caption...what? Yeah, I saw the repeat of the 6th Annual Young Comedians' Show last night too. Yeah, I totally agree. 27 years later and Howie Mandel is still a complete douchebag."

"I decided to climb up here and kill myself after I waited 8 days to find out the results of last week's anti-caption...what? Yeah, I saw the repeat of the 6th Annual Young Comedians' Show last night too. Yeah, I totally agree. 27 years later and Howie Mandel is still a complete douchebag."

"I bought this creme that was supposed to make my 'Johnson' bigger but I accidentally confused it with my body lotion one morning and now my whole body is the size that my penis used to be. What? The bottle said 'Made In Iran'. Why am I up here? Well, why the hell are YOU up here?"

"Treat me like my birthday
I want it this way
I want it that way
Tell me you don't want me to stop
Tell me it would break your heart
But you love me and all my dirty
You wanna roll with me
You wanna to hold with me
You want to make fires and get norwegian wood with me
I just love to hear you say it
It makes a man feel good baby"

"O.K., so that kinda does explain why I never been PISSED on out here."

Don't ever say nest egg. In fact, you can never use the words nest or egg. If you see a bird land in a nest, say, he landed in a bunch of twigs. And a chicken lays little round things we eat...Jesus Christ, it's Albert Brooks from "Lost in America". Have you even BEEN to the movies since Hitchcock died?

I don't know, honey. Your photo wallpaper is nice and all, but... pinning the cow gut there was a little silly, I think. It smells bad, too.

"No, and never will be blacks here to ski this, if a New Yorker has anything to do with it."

No, I'm Roger Tory Peterson and no, I don't have a Society.

"The ad said you were a bird, but I had no idea you were a BLACK bird."

"Y'know, if you're gonna remake King Kong, you should really remake King fucking Kong."

"We always go to your place. What do you have against my condo?"

"Gee, the Vail(CO) of Swallows ?"

"I sure its delicious. But you know what? There's a Wendys right down the block. What do you say? I buy, you fly?"

"Maybe I shouldn't have wished for huge wood/pecker."

- Preliminary sketch for a scene in "Talk to the Animals", a picture which was to have starred singer Bobby Darin, who so popularized an earlier song version. The project was later abandoned as unfeasible due to Mr. Darin's health, as well as to the primitive 'special effects' of that day. -

For the last time, it's Atticus Finche, with an "e".

"I'm just not that hungry, but don't think I don't appreciate how early you had to get up."

"As you fly South, do me a favor and squeeze out a wet one over Crawford, Texas."

"I'll show you what you can do with that swollen multipurpose hole of yours."

"I'm Robin Williams; I'm waiting for Cheryl Crow."

"Oh shit, a giant bird!"

"You probably already know that earthworms are hermaphroditic. What you don't know is that I am too. So when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I love to let them watch."

Tony Hawk
Edie Falcone
Larry Bird
Goose Gossage
Peter Finch
Mike Gosling
Lynn Swann
Henny Youngman
Debra Winger
Donald 'Duck' Dunn
Leonard Feather
Alan Partridge
Jonathan Swift ....
anyone? .... anyone?

"When my British friend offered to introduce me to a really big bird, I thought it was in the context of my fat fetish, not my career in ornithology."

-- 'Feather' Mills....no, no...'Kiwi' Ree....no ! Oh, Stephen Crane...or Hart Crane ! I'm out ! --

- Avis Dolphin...Walter Pidgeon.........George Seagull ? -

Big Bird
Charlie Parker
Birdman of Alcatraz
Danny Partridge

"You ain't no partridge, and this ain't no pear tree, so what the hell am I doing here?

"Where's Tippi? What did you do with her? I demand to know!"

Halfway up the beanstalk, Jack takes a breather.

"Damn that Genie! I said I wanted a big 'Jay' so I could get high... and this is what he gives me?!?"

"That spot's taken... Scram!"

"You are supposed to mate for life... Not once every spring for like... 3 minutes!"

"Well, that would explain why the worms are so big around here!"

" 'My heart [flags], and a drowsy numbness pains - My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk, - Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains.... ' "

"Damn it, stop treating me like a baby."

I came up here to think. My wife and son were killed by a drunk driver last weekend.

"Fucking Karen Carpenter!"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed. I had a huge peyote breakfast."

"Hey, I was masturbating with that!"

"OK. Your worm wins."

"Huh ! O.K. ! ...Aves: Neornithes: Neognathae: Neoaves: Passeriformes: Passeri.............Fuck it ! This must be a friging 'Bliss' !"

"Spare me the details."

"Crikey ! New 'Lubricus' here, mate ! Look, I'll 'whack off' up here, tease her a bit...maybe it'll go for mine , drop the rare 'Lubricus' ! ..Crikey !"

'Lubricus irwins' ?!

Join the army they said, see the world they said

"I don't care what Safire said, people did not start eating giant worms in 2008."

[Yes, "It is the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision to which the nature of the subject admits, and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible" ! - Aristotle]

- True, but you have to admit 'precision' helps to ward off the symptoms of 'Alzheimer's' - or of 'Dementia senilis', at least ! -

- 'LUBRICIOUS' Irwin ? -

Ludicrous 'Irwin' !!

"My name is Tony Roberts. I used to be in all the Woody Allen movies. Now, who the fuck are you"

Is this situation Kafkaesque or Freudian?

Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I presume.

They said that having sex with a giant bird would be a real feather in my cap, but somehow I don't think that's where it's going to end up.

"If you need me, I'll be at Frozen Tundra 69290."

Are you mocking me?

Ok! I'll take assistant branch manager.

I'm the new Mascot for Birds Eye Frozen Foods.
I used to be Little Green Sprout for Green Giant.


Guess I'll leave my trouser snake inside my pants.

I'm not enjoying Poultry Plant manager Hell!

"I don't care how tasty a worm that is; I'm not coming down until you apologize."

"I'm confused. Are you a giant bird or am I a little prick?"

Headline- Maxim Magazine-The burly nerd got the tapeworm and was reduced to a mere shadow of his former self.

Branch out!

I may be going out on a limb here...

I climbed the tree even though it clearly stated not to scale.

I feel like a Rockette in a butcher shop.

How did I get up here? Fuck you! How'd you get up here?

"....yeah, but at the end of the day, I'm looking pretty good with my human brain and all..."

I just left the shrink's office-He said "When you're late, the worms will get you!

I need to move to a more upscale location!

I know a good plastic surgeon who does Robin Red Breast reductions...

I got sucked into the worm hole and popped out into a perpendicular universe. It's 90 degrees out!

Richard Hatch is getting a lot of big worms too.

I must be late!

Dr. of Ornithology Timothy Leary

This just won't fly.

"Every time you fart, I fall off the fucking branch! I'm sick of it!"

"Look, America just elected a black president; scientists are bringing back the woolly mammoth; doctors are sewing dead people's faces onto other people's heads; Wolf Blitzer is interviewing holograms; I'm carrying several hundred hours of hardcore porn on a thumbnail drive in my pocket; Axl Rose successfully released Chinese Democracy; and you're an enormous sparrow talking to a tiny man crouched alone on a branch hundreds of feet in the air dressed in khakis and a cardigan. Don't expect me to explain any of that. It's the future, man, just fucking go with it.

Yes, I'm God and yes, I have my eye on you. Some great fucking theology, right?

My drug counsellor told me that if I ever I think I am talking to a giant bird, I have probably hit bottom.

"I like my worms from the bottom of Tequila bottles"

"Baby, do your feet hurt cause you've been running through my mind all day"

"Don't discriminate. I'm up here with my new Prada loafers and Gap sweater and you're up here with no baby daddy having to do all the work by your lonesome. How 'bout you let me unruffle those feathers and show you what a real worm looks like"

"You look a lot different from your profile photo. That's alright sweetheart. We're all black when the lights go out."

"Freakin' Nightingale ! How many times I got to explain you 'poetaster', P-O-E-T-A-S-T-E-R, not no 'poet taster', P-O-E-T T-A-S-T-E-R ?! Freakin' bird ! Ain't no frigin' F.D.A. out here for you !"

- As shown by an early 'artist's sketch', Hitchcock at one point conceived the frightening aspect of his 'The Birds' to arise more as the result of his 'antagonists' ' sizes than as a consequence of their unified numbers. -

"Contest #161: giant lobster, not funny.
Contest #159: giant coffee mugs, not funny.
Contest #151: giant deskset, not funny.
Shall I go on? Because I have nothing but time, you know."

"I'll pass, thanks: not kosher. Especially since you've been eating Jews."

"Whatsa matter? Can't remember where you put your nest?"

Ignorance is BLISS...

"I alight. It is as the last time. The intruder speaks the sounds of tumbling river stones. I stare too long. The thing, though helpless as a chick, is fierce and ceaseless. My attention is misplaced from my task. I am only to deliver the meal. To interact further with the prisoner is treason but the form attempting a perch commands my vision. If they kill him, there will never be anything like him again."

"Why am I here? Well, why aren't YOU in Capistrano?"

- Contest #128: giant dog -not funny ; Contest #145: giant 'whatever' -not funny ; Contest #173: giant songbird -not funny.....other nominees ?........anyone ? -

Contest #61 (July 31, 2006): Giant Patient's Hand at doctor's office - that was not funny, either.

Why so chirpy? Oh, let me guess: news of that face transplant filled you with hope.

The Worm: "Please, my little elven friend, stop gaping and get me out of this bird's mouth before it eats me!"

"I asked for it to be regurgitated, not raw, asshole."

"Pardon me, Mr. Bird, but you do realize that you're not actually gripping the branch with your claws at all, and are therefore about to fall off?"

Fuck off dad. I hate fishing.

"What would Shatner do?"

New Yorker Caption Contest winners-not funny. Anti-Caption Contest Winners-less funny.

New York Giant shoots self in leg-funny! I shot hundreds of evil looking songbirds with a Red Ryder BB gun. Merry Christmas!

"Thanks for always pecking my tormentors to death."

...freaking Woodstock flashbacks...

"Good morning to you too, and no, I most certainly am not your daughter. I'm from the energy company. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your daughter flew into one of our power lines just after dawn this morning. She died almost instantly. I'm so sorry for your loss."

Beam me back to the ship Spock- this planet is inhabited by pissed off bird!

"A bird in the bush is worth two in the hands."

"Go ahead and PECK me to death, starting with my balls! That would still be nothing compared to what that ganef Bernie Madoff did to me."

"Of course we have things in common"! "For instance we both have huge peckers"!

"Hey, you, fuck my ass."


"Happy Holidays, meant with no sense of irony at all, to a bunch of incorrect,( but generally too kind and politically fair and clever to be called smug,) humor-ists in a welcome, all-things-considered, do-it-yourself kind of forum. And thanks to the host.

Wait, did I say that, or just think it? Or is this a dream?

Doesn't matter, I'm about to get blown by a giant Gray Catbird."

got worms?

After discovering that velociraptors and other dinosaurs probably had feathers, Steven Spielberg redid the first three Jurassic Park films using updated special effects. He plans to make three more Jurassic Park films as a prequel to the plot of the original, starting with "Jurassic Park: War of the Dinosaurs In the Beginning"

I was hoping that, after dinner, we could cuddle.

Just chilling on a branch. What's up with you?

Sorry to bother you at dinner, but could I interest you in our new low-cost calling plan, at only $49.99 a month for unlimited long distance?

yes, those blue things in the penny slots of my penny loafers are Viagras. thank you for noticing.

Tom Kite
Ricky Jay
Gil Scott-Heron
Rita Dove
Andrea Jaeger
Elvin Bishop
Fritz Weaver
Christopher Wren
Dan Quayle
Eddie Raven

Richard E. Byrd (Rear Adm. USN) ; James Pelican (actor)

"No, I don't care for any regurgitated worm."

"The 28th? You mean I have to sit here another fucking week?"

"If you must know, my name is Peter, and you pecked my pickled pecker. Would you like to know how many peckers I have pickled?"

"No offense. I'm just out here scouting for CAMPBELL'S new division."

'Sandpiper' Laurie ! - although what this has to do with the present contest is not too clear ? (Even film buffs are surprised to learn that Miss Laurie was once hailed as 'Sandpiper', that is, by a newspaper critic of notorious asperity while in attendance at the annual Academy Awards in Hollywood.)

What the shit ?! Postponed to the 28 th ?! ..What's a guy to do over Christmas ?


- The Robin Williams Memorial Park, wherein, through an incarnation suggested by the departed himself, the comedian has been able to win one last winc. ..,er, that is, one last guffaw. -

"I'm going to be charitable and assume that wedgie you just performed on me was part of an instinctual search for good nesting materials. Should that not be the case and you begin chittering at me in a mocking way, I am going to be very very hurt. Hurt and dissapointed, my feathery friend."

"I'll have you know, we mini-men are an endangered species."

[What's responsible for this outrageous postponement ? Bowl games ?...Hanukkah ?......Christmas ?!]

Lots of luck, CAMPBELL'S, with your new 'Bird's Nest Soup' division ! I mean, who's gonna afford that now, outside the few frigin' 'conservative' millionaires left after prison-sentences, mob-violence......and suicides ?

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, pork tenderloin--my favorite!"

"I now have 1 winning caption and 2 honorable mentions. So eat me!"

- Diogenes pauses for a restorative break in nature during his quest for an honest man. -

i saw a tampon commercial once where a mom was telling her daughter about "the change" and there were trees everywhere and an acoustic guitar playing in the background. i just got my first erection and was hoping someone would explain the sticky situation going on in my pants.

"Oooh baby I like it raw. Yeah baby I like it rawwwwww."

"My hemorrhoids are acting up, so I'm wondering if I've lost my sense o proportion."

Robin E. Roberts (286 career wins ; Hall of Fame pitcher since 1976)-Duh !

"I thought we agreed no presents this year. What's that? You ripped out Santa's colon? You are giving me the actual entrails of Santa Claus? SOB...this is the best Christmas ever!"

- With an opportunistic play on the current economic 'downturn', Stephen Spielberg revives the old Yule-tide, Jimmy Stewart classic under the title, IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE. Above we see a sketch in which an artist attempts to express the parlous psychological state of the George Bailey character in the immediate aftermath of his auto-loan company's bankruptcy and the resulting break-up of his marriage. -

"I just flew in from Chicago, where I fucked your sister. Boy are my arms tired."

"Chew with your mouth closed."

"Yes, but fiber's important too."

"Two weeks. You've been staring at me with that worm in your beak for TWO FUCKING WEEKS!!"

"When you said, 'What are you doing up there?' and I said, 'Nothing!' I meant 'Nothing.' And I don't CARE that my dinner is getting cold. Women!"

"Nah, the mummies thing wasn't doing it for me, but this giant-bird-mommy thing isn't either. Maybe we should just go back to vanilla for awhile."

- "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time." -

- 'Mouth' after 'mouth' after 'mouth' Quips in this petty place from week to week, Til the worst 'risibles' of recorded time ! -

"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you why. As a Jew, I often feel diminished and a bit marginalized around Christmas. So I come up here...Now, will you please give me back my scarf? If my mother sees me without it, she'll freak!"

"Sparrow, and swallow...and 'buteo' Yclipped in this vasty space from day to day, Til the last edibles of 'organed' kind !!....................Too bad about Fossett, though !"

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