The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #174
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
First place
The Worm: "Please, my little elven friend, stop gaping and get me out of this bird's mouth before it eats me!" —Ed
Second place
"Thanks, but I just had a giant omelet." —Steve_O
Third place
"The name's Magpie. Steve Magpie. I killed your hatchlings. Now feed me." — Francis
Honorable mention
"I curse the day legalized gay marriage led to legalized polygamy and legalized marriage to giant birds. You are a dreadful husband and you sicken me." — J.D. |
"You can't make me eat it. You're not my real mother." — JohnnyB
"Nice. But it's going to take a whole fucking lot more than that if you want this fucking Senate seat. Fuck." —Tim C.
"Aren't you going to chew it for me first? It's not as if I have a fucking knife and fork up here." — David
"They said that having sex with a giant bird would be a real feather in my cap, but somehow I don't think that's where it's going to end up." — therblig
"Well I say it's spinach and I say to hell with it!" —TG Gibbon
Comments
"The name's Magpie. Steve Magpie. I killed your hatchlings. Now feed me."
Posted by: Francis | December 15, 2008 11:51 AM
"Well-a well-a well-a everybody's talking about my bird a-well a bird bird bird, about my bird a-well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word a-well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word she's sleeping around, that's what I heard WEEEEEELLLL everybody knows that my bird is a whore bah bah bah bird bird bird, my cheating bird bah bah bah bird bird bird..."
Posted by: Damon | December 15, 2008 11:52 AM
I know we're in a recession, but this youth hostel SUX.
Posted by: LK | December 15, 2008 11:59 AM
“Go away or I’ll kill you.”
"Good day, Mistress Crow. How well you are looking today: how glossy your feathers; how bright your eye. I feel sure your voice must surpass that of other birds, just as your figure does; let me hear but one song from you that I may greet you as the Queen of Birds. (Pauses, gets no response.) LET ME HEAR BUT ONE SONG FROM YOU THAT I MAY GREET YOU AS QUEEN OF THE BIRDS. (Pauses again, gets no response.) Fuck it – just give me the worm.”
(sighs) “I’m sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. I’m sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. I’m sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. I’m sorry I stole the fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. . . . . “
Posted by: Deborah | December 15, 2008 12:00 PM
"What'd you do with the tequila?"
Posted by: Damon | December 15, 2008 12:06 PM
"Christ, what a cloaca."
Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2008 12:13 PM
"Hey, I only asked to have my appendix removed! That's like two whole feet of intestine! What the hell kind of hospital is this anyway?"
Posted by: Francis | December 15, 2008 12:15 PM
"Well I say it's spinach and I say to hell with it!"
"Talk is cheap."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | December 15, 2008 12:32 PM
"And speaking of the Diet of Worms, did you know that Protestant icon Martin Luther was a rabid antisemite? According to Wikipedia:
"His main works on the Jews were his 60,000-word treatise Von den Juden und Ihren Lügen (On the Jews and Their Lies), and Vom Schem Hamphoras und vom Geschlecht Christi (On the Holy Name and the Lineage of Christ) — reprinted five times within his lifetime — both written in 1543, three years before his death. He argued that the Jews were no longer the chosen people, but were "the devil's people." They were "base, whoring people, that is, no people of God, and their boast of lineage, circumcision, and law must be accounted as filth." The synagogue was a "defiled bride, yes, an incorrigible whore and an evil slut ..." and Jews were full of the "devil's feces ... which they wallow in like swine." He advocated setting synagogues on fire, destroying Jewish prayerbooks, forbidding rabbis from preaching, seizing Jews' property and money, smashing up their homes, and ensuring that these "poisonous envenomed worms" be forced into labor or expelled "for all time." He also seemed to sanction their murder, writing "We are at fault in not slaying them."
And while we are on the subject, here is another interesting Wikipedia quote from the entry on Martin Luther King, Jr.:
"King's father was born "Michael King", and Martin Luther King, Jr. was originally named "Michael King, Jr.", until the family traveled to Europe in 1934 and visited Germany. His father soon changed both of their names to Martin in honor of the German Protestant Martin Luther."
Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2008 12:33 PM
"You can't make me eat it. You're not my real maother."
Posted by: JohnnyB | December 15, 2008 12:36 PM
"mother" not "maother"
Posted by: JohnnyB | December 15, 2008 12:36 PM
I swear my life has more sledgehammer symbolism than a bad Ken Russell film.
Posted by: John L | December 15, 2008 12:37 PM
"I'm seeing lot of Turdus and not enough migratorius. So amscray!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | December 15, 2008 12:39 PM
"Aren't you going to chew it for me first? It's not as if I have a fucking knife and fork up here."
Posted by: David | December 15, 2008 12:48 PM
"As long as that worm?!? No wonder I can't compete."
Posted by: David | December 15, 2008 12:53 PM
So how do I get down off this tree? And if you say, "You get down off a duck," I'll take a dump in your nest.
Posted by: John L | December 15, 2008 12:55 PM
"Hope you like that worm; I stuffed it with rice. That's right, bitch. Enjoy your date with Uncle Ben."
Posted by: Damon | December 15, 2008 12:56 PM
"O.J. is going to spend possibly the rest of his life in the slammer, so there was no need to tear off and mutiliate his celebrated large penis at this point. If you were going to emasculate the charming sociopath, you should have done it in his youth, as clearly the worship of his oversized member by both males and females led to his having a boundless ego and no knowledge that there are negative consequences to abhorrent actions. In short, absent mitigating factors, a really big dick kept The Juice from learning the difference between right and wrong."
Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2008 12:58 PM
"The 'clears' here are obscene."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 15, 2008 12:58 PM
"Hey there, Enormous Bird. How's it hangin'?"
Posted by: Vance | December 15, 2008 12:58 PM
"Hey buddy - my eyes are over here."
Posted by: Vance | December 15, 2008 12:59 PM
"Home come I'm obviously drawn, but you look traced? Huh? Fuckin' traced bird. Tracey, tracey tracey!!! That's right, go ahead and look askew at it - you can't do anything else, you damn tracing."
Posted by: Vance | December 15, 2008 1:01 PM
"No, you're not - you're right on time. Why do you ask?"
Posted by: Vance | December 15, 2008 1:03 PM
"Goddamn Photoshop."
Posted by: J | December 15, 2008 1:05 PM
"I curse the day legalized gay marriage led to legalized polygamy and legalized marriage to giant birds. You are a dreadful husband and you sicken me."
Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2008 1:06 PM
Yeah, I know it's been a long time and yes, no doubt it's rancid but this is like a quest. I get back the dong of Long Dong Silver of Lilliput and get to be, I mean, marry the princess.
Posted by: j fyrste | December 15, 2008 1:07 PM
We'll split it. Clitellum for you, entrails for me.
Posted by: John L | December 15, 2008 1:09 PM
I think I'd rather you simply killed me.
Posted by: Charles | December 15, 2008 1:16 PM
"I'm a vegetarian, goddammit!"
Posted by: MAtt | December 15, 2008 1:28 PM
"No red red robin ever stopped anybody's sob sob sobbin'. And Al Jolson was so screwy he needed a blowjob from a chorus girl before every performance or his head would explode. FACT!"
Posted by: J.D. | December 15, 2008 1:30 PM
"On second thought, sex first, dinner later."
Posted by: MAtt | December 15, 2008 1:33 PM
"Gee ! The rare Gosh Hawk ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | December 15, 2008 1:47 PM
"Hi, there. I'm Bill, the new branch manager."
Posted by: gary | December 15, 2008 2:09 PM
Ok, but I refuse to wear a thong.
Posted by: therblig | December 15, 2008 2:18 PM
"Thanks, but I just had a giant omelet."
Posted by: Steve_O | December 15, 2008 2:29 PM
"Nuclear war between India and Pakistan could lead to armageddon."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | December 15, 2008 2:48 PM
"There is a little tiny guy with a BlackBerry about to steal your nest egg."
Posted by: Kosmicki | December 15, 2008 2:58 PM
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Posted by: Charles | December 15, 2008 3:00 PM
"I suppose I should be grateful that you're trying to feed me, but my sense of entitlement prevents me."
Posted by: Francis | December 15, 2008 3:03 PM
- Professor of Fine Arts, Jamie J. Audubon, particular connoisseur of Japanese rice-paper tapestry. His wife Robin sometimes complained of 'widowhood to migratorial exhibitions'. In fairness to his wife Robin, Professor Audubon was no very great practitioner of husbandly obligation.....In a moment, The Twilight Zone ! -
Posted by: Sam L. | December 15, 2008 3:10 PM
"Thanks a lot, eHarmony."
Posted by: Damon | December 15, 2008 3:15 PM
"Great! Rat's eyeballs and a worm chaser."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 15, 2008 3:16 PM
Honey, did you really have to get the trump l'oeil wallpaper?
Posted by: npm | December 15, 2008 4:07 PM
Yes, I'm in the catbird seat AND I'm a midget. Do you mind?
Posted by: therblig | December 15, 2008 4:20 PM
"I already told you, I'm not in to bukkake. Now if you want to piss in my ass, we can have a conversation."
Posted by: Cpt. Clown | December 15, 2008 4:37 PM
"And there's so many things you can do with worm."
Posted by: John | December 15, 2008 4:42 PM
"Okay, I'll let you put it in my mouth, but if even THINK about trying to shove the whole thing down my throat I swear to God I'll kill you."
Posted by: Jared | December 15, 2008 5:23 PM
that should be "if you even THINK...."
Posted by: Jared | December 15, 2008 5:23 PM
Thanks, but no. Don't I look like I keep kosher?
Posted by: Charles | December 15, 2008 5:25 PM
"All that's left of Sheila is a section of her large intestine, hanging from the giant bird's beak, as it decides whether to eat me next, as some followup morsel, or save me for a future meal when stones - nay, rocks! - which it must have to aid its fantastic process of digestion - OH! - if only Darwin himself could have imagined such a species! - I ... am ... bored, bored I say. Be done with me, I have seen huge pencils and giant coffee mugs, do NOT think you are unique, my friend, you ... just ... ARE. Will thou be enlightened merely by dining on my flesh and on Sheila, poor, poor Sheila, whose womb was never to hold a child, my child, now inside thy great breast as thine own in some perverse way?
Answer me, you coward!! or let me gently down from this G-dforsaken branch of this unholy tree that smells of no less than Lucifer himself!
Posted by: Glenn W | December 15, 2008 5:28 PM
"I hat fucking Craigslist!"
Posted by: Richard H | December 15, 2008 5:49 PM
"I hate fucking Craigslist!"
Posted by: Richard H | December 15, 2008 5:50 PM
"The name's Audubon, John James Audubon. I wonder if you could see your way to giving me that scrap of roadkill in you beak as I am quite famished from climbing this giant tree. I would happily repay you with a sketch by Friday at the latest."
Posted by: mort drucker | December 15, 2008 6:01 PM
"And that, my dear bird, is the story of evolution and why you should abandon your plan to rip my liver out like you did all the others."
Posted by: Mort drucker | December 15, 2008 6:04 PM
"Do you think for a moment that a giant bird is going to faze me. Every other fucking cartoon has some big ass object in it. You'd get more of a rise if your were normal sized. Now fuck off."
Posted by: Mort drucker | December 15, 2008 6:10 PM
" 'How many morns, slick from its dribbling feast, the treejay's wings (slopped) will rivet him, Shredding light strings of annull'd, building long, Over their slain gray tatters, Fertil'ty - Then, with inviolate nerve, forsake our skies, As evanescent as sails that toss Our hedge of figures to be whisked away Ere auditors nab us --for 'disarray' ?' "
Posted by: Sam L. | December 15, 2008 6:14 PM
"Er...It's a good thing there are no blacks here, treed thus ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | December 15, 2008 6:50 PM
He may be able to fly all through the night
But he can't rock a party through the early light
He can't satisfy you with his little worm
But I can bust you out with my super sperm
I go do it - I go do it - I go do it - do it - do it
Posted by: Walt | December 15, 2008 6:56 PM
- Better substitute "INvalid curve" for "inviolate nerve" in near above. -
Posted by: Sam L. | December 15, 2008 7:10 PM
Clarice, is it?
Posted by: therblig | December 15, 2008 7:12 PM
"Anyone ever tell you you've got a red breast?"
Posted by: Dave | December 15, 2008 7:17 PM
You got the wrong tree, you freak.
Posted by: JohnnyB | December 15, 2008 7:22 PM
"I don't need your pity. Asshole."
"How many times have I told you, Kevin -- I'm on South Beach. God, it's like you're not even listening to me anymore."
"Nice. But it's going to take a whole fucking lot more than that if you want this fucking Senate seat. Fuck."
Posted by: Tim C. | December 15, 2008 7:24 PM
"Look, it's no longer about bringing the pork back to your district. This is the new legislative branch."
"I think I'm having a bad acid trip, or maybe just some really weird dream."
Posted by: Rubrick | December 15, 2008 7:25 PM
"I'm talon on you."
Posted by: Dave | December 15, 2008 7:27 PM
"You're barking up the wrong tree, buddy... hey, wait, you're not a dog!"
Posted by: Dave | December 15, 2008 7:32 PM
"They're going to catch you someday -- my face is on milk cartons all over this land! And has been for the past 20 years!"
Posted by: Dave | December 15, 2008 7:34 PM
"I can see my house from here."
Posted by: Dex | December 15, 2008 9:47 PM
"Some days you're the bird, some days you're the worm and some days you're just a guy opening a new branch in a down economy."
Posted by: al in la | December 15, 2008 10:22 PM
"Oh, wow ! 'Lubricus terrestris' ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 15, 2008 10:29 PM
Whoa, this fuckin' Salvia's got me tripping BALLS !!!
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | December 15, 2008 11:20 PM
In Soviet Union, early bird gets YOU !!!
Posted by: Phil McCracken | December 15, 2008 11:22 PM
"Peep! peep! peep! peep! peep!"
Posted by: babs | December 15, 2008 11:30 PM
"I was here first!"
Posted by: Brian L | December 16, 2008 2:10 AM
"I promise not to rest till Jays have the right to marry."
Posted by: Brian L | December 16, 2008 2:14 AM
"That's right, mister. Take two of those and give me a bird call in the morning."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 16, 2008 3:03 AM
She likes worms and he likes fritatas,
She likes seeds and he likes tomatas.
She's a chick (in a major pigeon way),
He's a dwarf (and a tiny smidgen gay),
They're Steve and Claire,
The most unlikely pair,
To help you start your day
Good Morning...LA!!!!!
Posted by: TG Gibbon | December 16, 2008 4:37 AM
"OK, let me guess. Larry Bird? No. Jonathan Swift? No. Martin Sheen? No. Jay Leno? No. I got it- Robin Leach! Good one.
"And for my last wish, go leave a huge deposit on a new Beemer for me."
Posted by: LV | December 16, 2008 7:31 AM
Jesus Christ, it's a giant bird!
Posted by: Vlad | December 16, 2008 7:54 AM
I know, I know. All the writers nowadays are jumping their series into the future to give them new creative direction. I still don't think it works for "Jurassic Park".
Posted by: Vlad | December 16, 2008 8:05 AM
So why is it that you're drawn in a hyper-realistic style, when I lack basic necessities like nostrils and ear holes? Is it meant to be part of the joke?
Posted by: Vlad | December 16, 2008 8:08 AM
Before we're killed by the raging tsunami, I'd like to tell you that I'm not your real son and I've never loved you.
Posted by: Bronson Radish | December 16, 2008 8:55 AM
"You're early."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | December 16, 2008 8:57 AM
"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | December 16, 2008 8:57 AM
"I decided to climb up here and kill myself after I waited 8 days to find out the results of last week's anti-caption...what? Yeah, I saw the repeat of the 6th Annual Young Comedians' Show last night too. Yeah, I totally agree. 27 years later and Howie Mandel is still a complete douchebag."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 16, 2008 9:24 AM
"I decided to climb up here and kill myself after I waited 8 days to find out the results of last week's anti-caption...what? Yeah, I saw the repeat of the 6th Annual Young Comedians' Show last night too. Yeah, I totally agree. 27 years later and Howie Mandel is still a complete douchebag."
Posted by: Dirt Dog | December 16, 2008 9:26 AM
"I bought this creme that was supposed to make my 'Johnson' bigger but I accidentally confused it with my body lotion one morning and now my whole body is the size that my penis used to be. What? The bottle said 'Made In Iran'. Why am I up here? Well, why the hell are YOU up here?"
Posted by: Dirt Dog | December 16, 2008 9:32 AM
"Treat me like my birthday
I want it this way
I want it that way
Tell me you don't want me to stop
Tell me it would break your heart
But you love me and all my dirty
You wanna roll with me
You wanna to hold with me
You want to make fires and get norwegian wood with me
I just love to hear you say it
It makes a man feel good baby"
Posted by: Dirt Dog | December 16, 2008 9:44 AM
"O.K., so that kinda does explain why I never been PISSED on out here."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 16, 2008 11:36 AM
Don't ever say nest egg. In fact, you can never use the words nest or egg. If you see a bird land in a nest, say, he landed in a bunch of twigs. And a chicken lays little round things we eat...Jesus Christ, it's Albert Brooks from "Lost in America". Have you even BEEN to the movies since Hitchcock died?
Posted by: therblig | December 16, 2008 12:08 PM
I don't know, honey. Your photo wallpaper is nice and all, but... pinning the cow gut there was a little silly, I think. It smells bad, too.
Posted by: gnorisma | December 16, 2008 12:16 PM
"No, and never will be blacks here to ski this, if a New Yorker has anything to do with it."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 16, 2008 12:17 PM
No, I'm Roger Tory Peterson and no, I don't have a Society.
Posted by: therblig | December 16, 2008 12:24 PM
"The ad said you were a bird, but I had no idea you were a BLACK bird."
Posted by: Mork | December 16, 2008 12:37 PM
"Y'know, if you're gonna remake King Kong, you should really remake King fucking Kong."
Posted by: J.D. | December 16, 2008 12:38 PM
"We always go to your place. What do you have against my condo?"
Posted by: Steve_O | December 16, 2008 12:39 PM
"Gee, the Vail(CO) of Swallows ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | December 16, 2008 12:45 PM
"I sure it’s delicious. But you know what? There's a Wendy’s right down the block. What do you say? I buy, you fly?"
Posted by: al in la | December 16, 2008 1:06 PM
"Maybe I shouldn't have wished for huge wood/pecker."
Posted by: LR | December 16, 2008 1:54 PM
- Preliminary sketch for a scene in "Talk to the Animals", a picture which was to have starred singer Bobby Darin, who so popularized an earlier song version. The project was later abandoned as unfeasible due to Mr. Darin's health, as well as to the primitive 'special effects' of that day. -
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 16, 2008 2:09 PM
For the last time, it's Atticus Finche, with an "e".
Posted by: therblig | December 16, 2008 2:25 PM
"I'm just not that hungry, but don't think I don't appreciate how early you had to get up."
Posted by: mikey | December 16, 2008 2:55 PM
"As you fly South, do me a favor and squeeze out a wet one over Crawford, Texas."
"I'll show you what you can do with that swollen multipurpose hole of yours."
Posted by: Kosmicki | December 16, 2008 3:00 PM
"I'm Robin Williams; I'm waiting for Cheryl Crow."
Posted by: stcoleridge | December 16, 2008 3:01 PM
"Oh shit, a giant bird!"
Posted by: John Tabin | December 16, 2008 3:12 PM
"You probably already know that earthworms are hermaphroditic. What you don't know is that I am too. So when someone tells me to go fuck myself, I love to let them watch."
Posted by: LR | December 16, 2008 3:18 PM
Tony Hawk
Edie Falcone
Larry Bird
Goose Gossage
Peter Finch
Mike Gosling
Lynn Swann
Henny Youngman
Debra Winger
Donald 'Duck' Dunn
Leonard Feather
Alan Partridge
Jonathan Swift ....
anyone? .... anyone?
Posted by: stcoleridge | December 16, 2008 3:40 PM
"When my British friend offered to introduce me to a really big bird, I thought it was in the context of my fat fetish, not my career in ornithology."
Posted by: Richard H | December 16, 2008 4:25 PM
-- 'Feather' Mills....no, no...'Kiwi' Ree....no ! Oh, Stephen Crane...or Hart Crane ! I'm out ! --
Posted by: Anonymous | December 16, 2008 4:44 PM
- Avis Dolphin...Walter Pidgeon.........George Seagull ? -
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 16, 2008 5:08 PM
Big Bird
Charlie Parker
Birdman of Alcatraz
Danny Partridge
Posted by: Dave | December 16, 2008 6:23 PM
"You ain't no partridge, and this ain't no pear tree, so what the hell am I doing here?
Posted by: Dave | December 16, 2008 6:24 PM
"Where's Tippi? What did you do with her? I demand to know!"
Posted by: Dave | December 16, 2008 6:33 PM
Halfway up the beanstalk, Jack takes a breather.
Posted by: Abbott | December 16, 2008 7:28 PM
"Damn that Genie! I said I wanted a big 'Jay' so I could get high... and this is what he gives me?!?"
"That spot's taken... Scram!"
"You are supposed to mate for life... Not once every spring for like... 3 minutes!"
"Well, that would explain why the worms are so big around here!"
Posted by: Johnny V | December 16, 2008 7:53 PM
" 'My heart [flags], and a drowsy numbness pains - My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk, - Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains.... ' "
Posted by: 'John Keats' | December 16, 2008 8:08 PM
"Damn it, stop treating me like a baby."
Posted by: Alex | December 16, 2008 8:21 PM
I came up here to think. My wife and son were killed by a drunk driver last weekend.
Posted by: Urgh | December 16, 2008 9:00 PM
"Fucking Karen Carpenter!"
Posted by: John | December 16, 2008 9:04 PM
"No thanks, I'm stuffed. I had a huge peyote breakfast."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | December 16, 2008 9:15 PM
"Hey, I was masturbating with that!"
Posted by: Swaption | December 17, 2008 1:16 AM
"OK. Your worm wins."
Posted by: Richard H | December 17, 2008 10:35 AM
"Huh ! O.K. ! ...Aves: Neornithes: Neognathae: Neoaves: Passeriformes: Passeri.............Fuck it ! This must be a friging 'Bliss' !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 17, 2008 11:31 AM
"Spare me the details."
Posted by: Bou | December 17, 2008 11:35 AM
"Crikey ! New 'Lubricus' here, mate ! Look, I'll 'whack off' up here, tease her a bit...maybe it'll go for mine , drop the rare 'Lubricus' ! ..Crikey !"
Posted by: Anonymous | December 17, 2008 12:29 PM
'Lubricus irwins' ?!
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 17, 2008 12:39 PM
Join the army they said, see the world they said
Posted by: grant | December 17, 2008 12:53 PM
"I don't care what Safire said, people did not start eating giant worms in 2008."
Posted by: Matt | December 17, 2008 1:17 PM
[Yes, "It is the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision to which the nature of the subject admits, and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible" ! - Aristotle]
Posted by: A Pedant | December 17, 2008 2:16 PM
- True, but you have to admit 'precision' helps to ward off the symptoms of 'Alzheimer's' - or of 'Dementia senilis', at least ! -
Posted by: Anonymous | December 17, 2008 2:33 PM
- 'LUBRICIOUS' Irwin ? -
Posted by: Von Go | December 17, 2008 2:42 PM
Ludicrous 'Irwin' !!
Posted by: Anonymous | December 17, 2008 2:48 PM
"My name is Tony Roberts. I used to be in all the Woody Allen movies. Now, who the fuck are you"
Posted by: MikeD | December 17, 2008 3:36 PM
Is this situation Kafkaesque or Freudian?
Posted by: Drew | December 17, 2008 5:05 PM
Jonathan Livingston Seagull, I presume.
Posted by: Drew | December 17, 2008 5:07 PM
They said that having sex with a giant bird would be a real feather in my cap, but somehow I don't think that's where it's going to end up.
Posted by: therblig | December 17, 2008 5:39 PM
"If you need me, I'll be at Frozen Tundra 69290."
Posted by: Bou the Obscure | December 17, 2008 5:57 PM
Are you mocking me?
Posted by: Atticus | December 17, 2008 6:00 PM
Ok! I'll take assistant branch manager.
I'm the new Mascot for Birds Eye Frozen Foods.
I used to be Little Green Sprout for Green Giant.
Posted by: VPofsomething | December 17, 2008 6:03 PM
Bullfinch!
Guess I'll leave my trouser snake inside my pants.
I'm not enjoying Poultry Plant manager Hell!
Posted by: Roaster | December 17, 2008 6:07 PM
"I don't care how tasty a worm that is; I'm not coming down until you apologize."
Posted by: Dave | December 17, 2008 7:22 PM
"I'm confused. Are you a giant bird or am I a little prick?"
Posted by: Dave | December 17, 2008 7:24 PM
Headline- Maxim Magazine-The burly nerd got the tapeworm and was reduced to a mere shadow of his former self.
Branch out!
Posted by: Reader's Indigestible | December 17, 2008 10:31 PM
I may be going out on a limb here...
I climbed the tree even though it clearly stated not to scale.
I feel like a Rockette in a butcher shop.
Posted by: Vuja De | December 17, 2008 10:36 PM
How did I get up here? Fuck you! How'd you get up here?
Posted by: Jimby | December 17, 2008 10:36 PM
"....yeah, but at the end of the day, I'm looking pretty good with my human brain and all..."
Posted by: Greg | December 17, 2008 10:46 PM
I just left the shrink's office-He said "When you're late, the worms will get you!
I need to move to a more upscale location!
Posted by: The Late Mr. Psyche! | December 17, 2008 10:56 PM
I know a good plastic surgeon who does Robin Red Breast reductions...
I got sucked into the worm hole and popped out into a perpendicular universe. It's 90 degrees out!
Posted by: Pie Thagoras of Beverly Hills | December 17, 2008 11:05 PM
Richard Hatch is getting a lot of big worms too.
I must be late!
Dr. of Ornithology Timothy Leary
This just won't fly.
Posted by: Avery Importantdate | December 17, 2008 11:12 PM
"Every time you fart, I fall off the fucking branch! I'm sick of it!"
Posted by: George | December 17, 2008 11:37 PM
"Look, America just elected a black president; scientists are bringing back the woolly mammoth; doctors are sewing dead people's faces onto other people's heads; Wolf Blitzer is interviewing holograms; I'm carrying several hundred hours of hardcore porn on a thumbnail drive in my pocket; Axl Rose successfully released Chinese Democracy; and you're an enormous sparrow talking to a tiny man crouched alone on a branch hundreds of feet in the air dressed in khakis and a cardigan. Don't expect me to explain any of that. It's the future, man, just fucking go with it.
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | December 18, 2008 12:09 AM
Yes, I'm God and yes, I have my eye on you. Some great fucking theology, right?
Posted by: therblig | December 18, 2008 9:25 AM
My drug counsellor told me that if I ever I think I am talking to a giant bird, I have probably hit bottom.
Posted by: boneguy | December 18, 2008 11:39 AM
"I like my worms from the bottom of Tequila bottles"
"Baby, do your feet hurt cause you've been running through my mind all day"
"Don't discriminate. I'm up here with my new Prada loafers and Gap sweater and you're up here with no baby daddy having to do all the work by your lonesome. How 'bout you let me unruffle those feathers and show you what a real worm looks like"
"You look a lot different from your profile photo. That's alright sweetheart. We're all black when the lights go out."
Posted by: Dirk McGirk | December 18, 2008 1:31 PM
"Freakin' Nightingale ! How many times I got to explain you 'poetaster', P-O-E-T-A-S-T-E-R, not no 'poet taster', P-O-E-T T-A-S-T-E-R ?! Freakin' bird ! Ain't no frigin' F.D.A. out here for you !"
Posted by: Sam L. | December 18, 2008 2:42 PM
- As shown by an early 'artist's sketch', Hitchcock at one point conceived the frightening aspect of his 'The Birds' to arise more as the result of his 'antagonists' ' sizes than as a consequence of their unified numbers. -
Posted by: Sam L. | December 18, 2008 3:27 PM
"Contest #161: giant lobster, not funny.
Contest #159: giant coffee mugs, not funny.
Contest #151: giant deskset, not funny.
Shall I go on? Because I have nothing but time, you know."
Posted by: RichM | December 18, 2008 3:46 PM
"I'll pass, thanks: not kosher. Especially since you've been eating Jews."
"Whatsa matter? Can't remember where you put your nest?"
Posted by: MShaw | December 18, 2008 8:02 PM
Ignorance is BLISS...
Posted by: El Paso's Misnomer | December 18, 2008 8:49 PM
"I alight. It is as the last time. The intruder speaks the sounds of tumbling river stones. I stare too long. The thing, though helpless as a chick, is fierce and ceaseless. My attention is misplaced from my task. I am only to deliver the meal. To interact further with the prisoner is treason but the form attempting a perch commands my vision. If they kill him, there will never be anything like him again."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 19, 2008 12:11 AM
"Why am I here? Well, why aren't YOU in Capistrano?"
Posted by: Steve_O | December 19, 2008 2:16 AM
- Contest #128: giant dog -not funny ; Contest #145: giant 'whatever' -not funny ; Contest #173: giant songbird -not funny.....other nominees ?........anyone ? -
Posted by: Anonymous | December 19, 2008 12:07 PM
Contest #61 (July 31, 2006): Giant Patient's Hand at doctor's office - that was not funny, either.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 19, 2008 1:13 PM
Why so chirpy? Oh, let me guess: news of that face transplant filled you with hope.
Posted by: Roger Kaputnirk | December 19, 2008 1:46 PM
The Worm: "Please, my little elven friend, stop gaping and get me out of this bird's mouth before it eats me!"
"I asked for it to be regurgitated, not raw, asshole."
"Pardon me, Mr. Bird, but you do realize that you're not actually gripping the branch with your claws at all, and are therefore about to fall off?"
Posted by: Ed | December 19, 2008 3:30 PM
Fuck off dad. I hate fishing.
Posted by: Drew | December 19, 2008 3:49 PM
"What would Shatner do?"
Posted by: Victor | December 19, 2008 5:27 PM
New Yorker Caption Contest winners-not funny. Anti-Caption Contest Winners-less funny.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 19, 2008 6:46 PM
New York Giant shoots self in leg-funny! I shot hundreds of evil looking songbirds with a Red Ryder BB gun. Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Winona Red Ryder | December 19, 2008 8:34 PM
"Thanks for always pecking my tormentors to death."
Posted by: David John | December 20, 2008 1:01 AM
...freaking Woodstock flashbacks...
Posted by: D. Dean | December 20, 2008 11:12 AM
"Good morning to you too, and no, I most certainly am not your daughter. I'm from the energy company. I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your daughter flew into one of our power lines just after dawn this morning. She died almost instantly. I'm so sorry for your loss."
Posted by: David John | December 20, 2008 7:46 PM
Beam me back to the ship Spock- this planet is inhabited by pissed off bird!
Posted by: Doc | December 21, 2008 12:49 AM
"A bird in the bush is worth two in the hands."
Posted by: John | December 21, 2008 9:34 AM
"Go ahead and PECK me to death, starting with my balls! That would still be nothing compared to what that ganef Bernie Madoff did to me."
Posted by: David F | December 21, 2008 11:47 AM
"Of course we have things in common"! "For instance we both have huge peckers"!
Posted by: Anthony Sinni | December 21, 2008 11:49 AM
Man:
"Hey, you, fuck my ass."
Bird:
"Bkkaawww!??!!"
Posted by: djack | December 21, 2008 8:20 PM
"Happy Holidays, meant with no sense of irony at all, to a bunch of incorrect,( but generally too kind and politically fair and clever to be called smug,) humor-ists in a welcome, all-things-considered, do-it-yourself kind of forum. And thanks to the host.
Wait, did I say that, or just think it? Or is this a dream?
Doesn't matter, I'm about to get blown by a giant Gray Catbird."
Posted by: djack | December 21, 2008 9:00 PM
got worms?
Posted by: Shawn | December 21, 2008 11:24 PM
After discovering that velociraptors and other dinosaurs probably had feathers, Steven Spielberg redid the first three Jurassic Park films using updated special effects. He plans to make three more Jurassic Park films as a prequel to the plot of the original, starting with "Jurassic Park: War of the Dinosaurs In the Beginning"
Posted by: ben caro | December 22, 2008 12:16 AM
I was hoping that, after dinner, we could cuddle.
Posted by: JR | December 22, 2008 12:08 PM
Just chilling on a branch. What's up with you?
Posted by: JR | December 22, 2008 12:09 PM
Sorry to bother you at dinner, but could I interest you in our new low-cost calling plan, at only $49.99 a month for unlimited long distance?
Posted by: Greg Urbaitis | December 22, 2008 12:14 PM
yes, those blue things in the penny slots of my penny loafers are Viagras. thank you for noticing.
Posted by: Anonymous | December 22, 2008 1:01 PM
Tom Kite
Ricky Jay
Gil Scott-Heron
Rita Dove
Andrea Jaeger
Elvin Bishop
Fritz Weaver
Christopher Wren
Dan Quayle
Eddie Raven
anyone?
Posted by: stcoleridge | December 22, 2008 3:41 PM
Richard E. Byrd (Rear Adm. USN) ; James Pelican (actor)
Posted by: Anonymous | December 22, 2008 5:19 PM
"No, I don't care for any regurgitated worm."
Posted by: al in la | December 22, 2008 5:56 PM
"The 28th? You mean I have to sit here another fucking week?"
Posted by: Noah | December 22, 2008 10:22 PM
"If you must know, my name is Peter, and you pecked my pickled pecker. Would you like to know how many peckers I have pickled?"
Posted by: Greenie Stickem Caps | December 22, 2008 10:59 PM
"No offense. I'm just out here scouting for CAMPBELL'S new division."
Posted by: Anonymous | December 23, 2008 11:43 AM
'Sandpiper' Laurie ! - although what this has to do with the present contest is not too clear ? (Even film buffs are surprised to learn that Miss Laurie was once hailed as 'Sandpiper', that is, by a newspaper critic of notorious asperity while in attendance at the annual Academy Awards in Hollywood.)
Posted by: Anonymous | December 23, 2008 12:07 PM
What the shit ?! Postponed to the 28 th ?! ..What's a guy to do over Christmas ?
Posted by: Another Caption-Writing Geek | December 23, 2008 12:58 PM
Me!
Posted by: Another Caption-Writing Geek's Bitch | December 23, 2008 1:05 PM
- The Robin Williams Memorial Park, wherein, through an incarnation suggested by the departed himself, the comedian has been able to win one last winc. ..,er, that is, one last guffaw. -
Posted by: The Natural Conservancy | December 23, 2008 2:16 PM
"I'm going to be charitable and assume that wedgie you just performed on me was part of an instinctual search for good nesting materials. Should that not be the case and you begin chittering at me in a mocking way, I am going to be very very hurt. Hurt and dissapointed, my feathery friend."
Posted by: mort drucker | December 23, 2008 2:33 PM
"I'll have you know, we mini-men are an endangered species."
Posted by: mort drucker | December 23, 2008 2:35 PM
[What's responsible for this outrageous postponement ? Bowl games ?...Hanukkah ?......Christmas ?!]
Posted by: Just Now Learning About It ! | December 23, 2008 3:57 PM
Lots of luck, CAMPBELL'S, with your new 'Bird's Nest Soup' division ! I mean, who's gonna afford that now, outside the few frigin' 'conservative' millionaires left after prison-sentences, mob-violence......and suicides ?
Posted by: Anonymous | December 23, 2008 7:06 PM
"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, pork tenderloin--my favorite!"
Posted by: John | December 23, 2008 8:24 PM
"I now have 1 winning caption and 2 honorable mentions. So eat me!"
Posted by: njtotx aka george aka globie | December 23, 2008 8:46 PM
- Diogenes pauses for a restorative break in nature during his quest for an honest man. -
Posted by: Anonymous | December 23, 2008 9:59 PM
i saw a tampon commercial once where a mom was telling her daughter about "the change" and there were trees everywhere and an acoustic guitar playing in the background. i just got my first erection and was hoping someone would explain the sticky situation going on in my pants.
Posted by: ponzi victim #154 | December 23, 2008 10:09 PM
"Oooh baby I like it raw. Yeah baby I like it rawwwwww."
Posted by: ODB | December 23, 2008 11:47 PM
"My hemorrhoids are acting up, so I'm wondering if I've lost my sense o proportion."
Posted by: Kosmicki | December 24, 2008 12:41 AM
Robin E. Roberts (286 career wins ; Hall of Fame pitcher since 1976)-Duh !
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | December 24, 2008 5:20 PM
"I thought we agreed no presents this year. What's that? You ripped out Santa's colon? You are giving me the actual entrails of Santa Claus? SOB...this is the best Christmas ever!"
Posted by: mort drucker | December 25, 2008 11:32 AM
- With an opportunistic play on the current economic 'downturn', Stephen Spielberg revives the old Yule-tide, Jimmy Stewart classic under the title, IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE. Above we see a sketch in which an artist attempts to express the parlous psychological state of the George Bailey character in the immediate aftermath of his auto-loan company's bankruptcy and the resulting break-up of his marriage. -
Posted by: Sam L. | December 26, 2008 4:16 PM
"I just flew in from Chicago, where I fucked your sister. Boy are my arms tired."
Posted by: djack | December 27, 2008 12:06 PM
"Chew with your mouth closed."
Posted by: Glenn | December 27, 2008 1:07 PM
"Yes, but fiber's important too."
Posted by: rob | December 27, 2008 11:48 PM
"Two weeks. You've been staring at me with that worm in your beak for TWO FUCKING WEEKS!!"
Posted by: Anonymous | December 29, 2008 10:42 AM
"When you said, 'What are you doing up there?' and I said, 'Nothing!' I meant 'Nothing.' And I don't CARE that my dinner is getting cold. Women!"
Posted by: Galoux | December 29, 2008 10:45 AM
"Nah, the mummies thing wasn't doing it for me, but this giant-bird-mommy thing isn't either. Maybe we should just go back to vanilla for awhile."
Posted by: Bou | December 29, 2008 10:49 AM
- "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time." -
Posted by: Anonymous | December 29, 2008 3:03 PM
- 'Mouth' after 'mouth' after 'mouth' Quips in this petty place from week to week, Til the worst 'risibles' of recorded time ! -
Posted by: Sam L. | December 29, 2008 3:19 PM
"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you why. As a Jew, I often feel diminished and a bit marginalized around Christmas. So I come up here...Now, will you please give me back my scarf? If my mother sees me without it, she'll freak!"
Posted by: al in la (Happy New Year fellow anti-cappers) | December 29, 2008 5:11 PM
"Sparrow, and swallow...and 'buteo' Yclipped in this vasty space from day to day, Til the last edibles of 'organed' kind !!....................Too bad about Fossett, though !"
Posted by: Sam L. | December 30, 2008 3:50 PM