December 8, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #173

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
"I never thought that line about my red wagon, laundry cart, and suitcase business being too big to fail would ever work, but boy howdy, did it ever!" —bunsen

Second place
"I love this synagogue!" —John Tabin

Third place
"I think I have enough for a latte." —JohnnyB

Honorable mention
"As the greedy corporate executives celebrated their stolen riches and prepared to exit the building, someone was waiting outside. Someone who had been sent to do a job - one which badly needed to be done. He lurked near the door, wearing dark sunglasses, a cold, calculating look upon his face. He had trained for years, and was focused and ready for what he was about to do. That someone was the limo driver, and he took them all home." —Damon

"See, this is why I became a taxidermist. To make piles and piles and piles of money." —Deborah

"Did you catch the shitty movie with Annie Hall, Queen Latifah and Tom Cruise's daughter?" —xjvpastor

"I'm haunted by the face value of my victims." —George

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"See, this is why I became a lawyer. To make piles and piles and piles of money."

"Ha! Can you believe someone was going to throw this out?"

"Okay, let's see which currency burns fastest. I'm betting on the euro."

"I'm going to write an anti-caption on each one of these expired coupons and send them in to Radosh."

Bail out my ass! Company can go to Hell, I'm going to Aruba!

Oh wow - Rentenmarks and Papiermarks! Tons of them! Who said we weren't getting a bonus this year...

"There's money spilling out of your suitcase. Maybe you should take the toddler out."

"I love crime."

"Only 699,999,999,999. Ha! I think we can sue."

Now that we've got the offices cleaned out, let's get that 'Pay Off Hillary's Campaign Debt" party started!

"You start rolling up the hundreds, and I'll go get the blow."

"Can you believe these New Yorker people made the bailout caption jokes so freaking obvious this week?"

"I think I have enough for a latte."

"The hourly rates here are obscene."

"Wow. This is a shitload of money."

"I know getting paid by electronic direct deposit would be easier, but I love pulling my little wagon full of crumpled one dollar bills."

"Titty bar, here we come!"

As the greedy corporate executives celebrated their stolen riches and prepared to exit the building, someone was waiting outside. Someone who had been sent to do a job - one which badly needed to be done. He lurked near the door, wearing dark sunglasses, a cold, calculating look upon his face. He had trained for years, and was focused and ready for what he was about to do. That someone was the limo driver, and he took them all home.

"I told you Christie's would let me auction young boys."

Now I have enough to buy TWO senators.

And they said mail-order couture to Alaska would never make money.

"With this much cash I can finally get that three-titted hooker to blow me."

"It's a good thing there were no blacks here to sack this."

Excellent. Now let's go back to Detroit and get cracking on that "City Semi Truck" idea you had for families. BJ and the Bear will do a promo spot. We can pay for the Bear's hookers with this money.

"Almost makes up for my shriveled, limp penis."

"See, this is why I became a taxidermist. To make piles and piles and piles of money."

"Boy, those councillors at that medieval castle sure were generous to throw down all this cash. Good thing we gathered ours before the king came out and put a stop to it."

"I know some people would say we have a pointless job, wheeling and carrying these enormous piles of money around and around and around the 14th floor of this building - but it still gives me a warm, happy feeling."

"Hey Frank, I'll give you $5,000 right now to blow me. Ha! Just kidding. I'll actually give you $500,000."

They are called "U.S. dollars." They're worthless, but it is fun to pretend that I'm still rich.

"Chronic diarrhea is epidemic in developing nations, kills more children than any other disease (and painfully too), and is completely preventable."

"Wow, how fortunate to stumble upon Mike Bloomberg with both a dead hooker AND a live boy!"

"Look at all the money we're saving on not buying rubber bands or bags."

"Some stupid king was dumping all this on peasants from a balcony."

"Why are you grinning like a pig in shit? If this were real money, don't you think at least ONE bill would have fallen on the carpet?"

"We are certainly well-dressed garbage men."

"....., a 'GRAND' for your thoughts ?!"

I hear Monroe in accounting found a dead hobo in his pile.

Ha, ha, ha! This money could have been used to repair infrastructure and to implement universal healthcare. Instead, it goes to our bank accounts in Dubai. What a funny, funny joke!

I can't believe he gave us all this just to fuck our wives! Especially since my wife's such a dumb slut, she'd have put out for free!

"That creepy bald guy may have taken my wife and kids, but I've found the strength to carry on, knowing you and I are now certain to win the blue ribbon for large-scale papier-mâché at next week's craft fair. Yep, no killing myself for me!"

"Joke's on us! We're on the 40th floor, and there are no elevators in this building!"

"Ah, you brought an extra suitcase. I should have thought of that."

"It's funny. One day you say 'If I had a dollar for every Jew that was slaughtered in the Holocaust....'"

Admit it. I was right when I said to hold off on selling that OJ memorabilia until after the trial. Wonder if he'll get raped in prison?

"Where do you think these doors lead?"

" Ford ?. ...Cerberus Capital Management ?"

"Dude! Didn't I tell you? With enough money, we can defy the laws of physics!"

"George Bush doesn't care about black people. But he 'sho nuff do care 'bout us rich white folk'! Amen, mufucker!"

"What are we gonna do with all these mousetraps?"

"Bit of 'carrying on' cabbage for you. Nice !"

"This might be the gold standard of toilet papers, but I like soft pink tongues best."

"In the long-run Germany got through hyper-inflation swimmingly. ..You're not Jewish, are you ?"

"Old Emerson's proceeding with his 'trundle down' approach."

"I never knew that we all have 20-30 pounds of currency in our colons until I saw Dr. Proctoski. He takes 15%, and it's a win-win all around!"

"Wow, golden parachute! And here we were, in the intermediate planning stages of pulling a Columbine on the place."

"Okay, so, one last time: when the judge says, `Put them here on my desk', we bring all these letters to Santa into the courtroom."


"And then?"

"Then we yell out, `Natalie! Don't go on that boat 34 years from now, or Christopher Walken will skull-fuck and drown you!'"

"Gotcha - wait, what?"

"The strong 'charm of the slaw', hey, Barry ?!"

[The entry at 1:14pm, Dec. 8th is not mine. Someone is using the J.D. moniker to accompany redundant entries. I wish they would not do that.]

"Genius, Sutton ! 'Under peoples' mattresses' ! Who knew ?!"

I never thought that line about my red wagon, laundry cart, and suitcase business being too big to fail would ever work, but boy howdy, did it ever!

" 'Squeaking cash', Maurice ! S-Q-U-E-A-K-I-N-G ! Did I say 'leaking' ?! Did anyone here say 'leaking' ?! Now for chris'sake, grease the damn wheels !"

"Oh shit, I forgot, that nuclear holocaust we had last month rendered all paper money worthless."

Despite our humble beginnings, we ended up doing quite well for ourselves. I hope this fact will make women think twice before they choose to have an abortion.

"When most people want to 'liquidate' their 'holdings', they have to go to a money bank. But then, most people aren't Peter North. Ha! Get it? Liquidity? As in, the famously prodigious quantity of my ejaculate? Which I sell to this sperm bank? For cartoonishly enormous profits? God, I love puns! It's like -- wait, wait, okay: When most people want to 'make' a 'deposit', they go to Wachovia..."

"Our heads are actually not that small. It's just bad luck coming close to Lorenz's."

"You said it, 'Federico' : It takes more than LATIN to impress a dame these days !"

"You know, Christine, I guess changing our minds about Bloomberg's third term wasn't so difficult after he explained it."

" 'Green, how I want you green ! Green...MINE ! Green...BUNCHES' !"

"I see your secret Santa gave you the same thing mine gave me."

"Nice of them to give us our severance packages in small, unmarked bills. I wonder where they got them?"

"Wasn't that swell of the boys in the mailroom to empty their pockets to help out the firm?"

"So right, Packwood ! I mean, if only one of them were capable of a 'Monstra mihi pecuniam', it'd be something --but nooooooo !"

"Did you catch the shitty movie with Annie Hall, Queen Latifah and Tom Cruise's daughter?"

"You know, when I sent my money out to be laundered, I thought it would come back nicely pressed and folded and wrapped in plastic. Not crumpled and dirty and smelling like Mexican food."

"I guess the drive back to Detroit will be slightly more fun."

"I took a shit in Louie's money cart."

"Lehman Brothers is the best place to work!"

(overheard July, 2007)

"Hey I got the coffee today-
did you read where bread is $60,000.00 a loaf?"

"No, I think you have more than me. The dead kid takes up a lot of room."

"I'm haunted by the face value of my victims."

"You paid for lunch last week. It's my turn, asshole!"

"Nuh uh, 'When you become a man, you put away childish things' ! They kidding ?"

"Seven-figure bonus! My old man worked his whole life as a janitor to put me through business school. I wish he could be here with us to see this day. He's at home though."

"Sometimes it just seems hilarious to me, how we destroyed the world economy with our greed and hubris, and now they have to give us even more money just to save their own asses. Then I think about how the government will likely recoup their investment over time, and how the repercussions for us include massive regulatory reforms the effects of which will be felt for generations, and suddenly it doesn't seem quite so hilarious. But it's still pretty funny how we haul the money around in these Radio Flyers."

A trolley AND a briefcase! Thank god there ain't no-one here greedier than you Greg!

“They’re demanding a million dollars in one dollar bills plus bullets for their guns.”

"Fuck the taxpayers!"

"Since we're in Zimbabwe, all of this buys us one loaf of bread."

"Attaboy, Moroni ! The BERLIN Flyer was a tad outre', don't you know !"

"I am daunted by the species of my rictus. ..But, hey, it's nothing to Smedley's ! What's up with that ?!"

" 'Le cours' ici est obscene."

"I should be jealous that you get paid more, but really, at the end of the day, I'm just happy to not be blind."

" Coito, C-O-I-T-O, ergo 'sums', hey, what ?!"

"Take this year's bonus money and distribute it to the less fortunate! Brilliant suggestion, Wilkinson! You've really taught us all a lesson about Christmas!"

"I like my money like I like my women: a lot."

Guess where I hid some more?

Despite the flea in the carpet it was a great idea to lay off the cleaner lady.

Frank hasn't yet found out I crapped in his pile.

"Boy, I am so glad we work for Goldman & Freddy Fannie's Big 3 Autos."

"Why, yes... I DO love money!"

"I told you that printer was a great investment!"

"I'm sure glad I refresh Craigslist every two minutes."

Since someone beat me to "glad there are no black people here to see this," I'll go with"

"Tonight we dine in hell!" Only in this joke Hell is the name of the new Daniel Boulud. We only wish they were dining in hell.

"It ain't heavy, it's my money."

"And Gonzalez goes, where are you taking it? And I say, to the ghetto to buy Christmas presents? And he says, I'll help. And then I said, Good, pull this cart behind us. Ha! Ha! It's like he just got a job in corporate America yesterday. Jeez I hope I can fit this all in my Jag. I hate making the help drive all the way in from Greenwich."

"I disagree. The open wagons will be fine since our business plan never calls for us to go outside where it might be windy."

"What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so many Trojan wrappers in him?"

"Dunno, Jorge'. The 'Vuitton' makes you look awfully grown-up."

"Strictly considered, this mostly skirts these new 'cash on hand' limits."

"Right. Grabs the Porsche first thing the A.M. Sticks me with this. ..You talking 'tuition' ? Look, November 3, day before election, come to find my slack-jawed son 's wining and dining this cutesy Obama staffer over at some weird ethnic Indian restaurant. ...She 's putting on this 'Orphan Annie' look for him, don't you know ! So's inevitable he's looking at Harvard now. ...Oh, yeah !"

"That's right. Called boss a 'skinflint'. Has him up for 'loss of support'...or worse !"

"As God is my witness, I shall never be hungry again !"

"Do you think we'll win the senate seat? I've always wanted a senate seat."

"I cannot bring these girls around, Although I match you as I can. I string a wife along, that's sly -All weirdly 'tranced'. ...What's not to scan !"

"Mine? I'm buyin' me Obama's old Illinois senate seat- but I can't seem to reach Governor Blagojevich."

"Exact words : 'Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam !"

"What a bunch of morons? I can't believe we tricked all those chicanos into thinking De La Hoya even had a chance."

"You know, I don't feel so bad about stealing 2 million dollars from the Salvation Army. It's just that I keep seeing that little girls face when I ripped this little red wagon from her hands and punched her in the nose. The blood started pouring down her face. And she just stared at me. No crying, just looking at me with that river of blood rolling down her spongebob dress."

"I'm so glad we work for a bank and not for some literary publication whose only form of escapism is to combat their upper-middle class guilt with blaming it all on the richest of the rich and make snooty little cartoons about greed and its excessiveness."

"Trickle-down, is clogged up."

I KNEW when they nominated Paulson I should have gotten a bigger wagon.

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world

"Working for Parker Brothers is fun. Let go get the hotels and we can start assembling the game sets."

"They say 'You can't take it with you.' Well, fuck 'em -- I'm takin' it with me!"

Wilbur took great satisfaction in knowing he was hauling more greenbacks than Dick and Peter combined.

"This much cold hard cash sure buys a lot of hot soft pussy, eh Eliot?

"And all we had to do was carpool to Washington."

"Why are we smiling? Nobody takes cash anymore. Fucking retro company."

"If the girls won't gag on our dicks, we'll make them choke on our money, honey!"

"My guilt is mitigated by the fact that we are all sinners before God. Especially you Fienstein."

"This brazen embezzlement is like stimuli on top of stimuli. And the crazy strippers still await!"

"Man, it's great being an elder of Zion!"

"Ha ha ha. Halliburton is hemouraging profits again. And look, the cartoonist is even named Cheney! It wouldn't surprise me if it were the real Cheney. They say his powers are near infinite and that he has a special lair miles below the earth's surface where he broods and schemes all matter of darkness and evil."

"So I'm thinking since we're already like 99 % evil, let's murder old Tompkins, take his cut and build a giantic offshore meth lab and get everyone addicted. It's a win win. Of course we'll need more suitcases and wagons for the cash. And a glass hulled boat would be good too."

"I fart money."

"This "Bring A Friend To Work Day" is a great idea!"

"DON'T turn around and give him the satisfaction..I can GUARANTEE you that there are all singles underneath that top overflowing pile..."

"Gotta get here early to get the big cart."

"Biggie was wrong. More money equals fewer problems."

"Fuck anyone who says politics in Illinois isn't fun!"

“Our new human energy vehicles seat $15 billion comfortably.”

"Blah blah blah blah corporate bailouts! Ha-ha-ha!"

"I love this synagogue!"

"Yee haw ! Whoa here !...How you like your new 'Cerberus', my man ?"

"Load off the old mind, now the Pope's signed off on this....Of course he'll need his cut."

"Thank the Good Lord that Mayor Bloomberg has continued the racist Giuliani policy of denying young black and hispanic men their Fourth Amendment rights. Now we whiny little white guys can convey to our homes the huge sums of cash we've gouged from the masses in such a remarkably open way and perceive that it is safe to do so. And while it smacks of corporate fascism, I am thrilled that Mayor Mike has used his $20 billion media empire fortune to buy a third term and defeat the twice-expressed will of the electorate to maintain term limits."

"There's many a grip between some yucks...and Europe."

Yeah, buddy, but it's worth it to get to stay in Fred Thompson's place during the inauguration.

I know it's a lot of money, but seeing that guy with the giant laundry cart make out with five times as much has left me feeling a little hollow inside. So, to answer your question, yes, once we drop off our stupid little red wagons in our offices, we must murder him.

"To each according to his habilment, to each according to his 'threads', hey Ricco ?!"

" 'Wannas'...'Wannas' who 'Move paper'...Are the pluckiest people...In the world...We're handsome..Really....handsome.."

"Grip, hell ! There's many a GRIFT between a yuck...and Islip !!"

"New car, caviar, four star daydream. Think I'll buy me a football team...You?"

"I grant you --but there's many a PAGE between 'alleged' and umbrage...some consolation !"

"People...People who 'bleed' people...Are the pluckiest people...In the world...We're 'Skillings'.."

"I'm wearing adult Depends in case I crap myself from happiness."

"Yeah ! Good ! 'Pockets' Shelby 's playing hard to buy."

Mo money, mo problems, right Hustla?

"Mine died of AIDS. What did yours die of?"

"Can you spare some change? I need bus fare."

"Ain't no life like a pimp's life, fool"

[In a parallel universe]

"And after we give back these millions in unjustifiable bonuses to the investors, we'll apologize for running the company into the ground. Being honest and having integrity makes me so much happier than all this ill-gotten money."

I can finally afford to go to The Men's Warehouse and you can finally afford a shampoo with your crop top at SuperCuts.

"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard"

just think of it, a few of these bills could have helped thousands upon thousands of cholera victims in Zimbabwe. funny things is, i'm taking my stack to the tranny bar where a lady boy is going to hook up an enema bag full of liquid Xanax right to my rectum.

Lawyers in Love: "Well, this will all come in handy on our honeymoon, won't it, Jerry? Man, it's like I always say: The only thing those Mormons are more than stupid and backward is rich."

"Robbing Peter AND Paul! Why didn't I think of it before?"

"You kidding me ?! New Orluns snowfall ?! We lookin' at 50 cent snowball souvenirs here -- 'creased over time !....Be the making of us !"

"The only difference between a man and a boy is the size of his 'toy'....except in your case, 'shriveled, limp penis'!"

"I fucking love 'Steal-The-Interns-Lunch-Money' Fridays..."

"Uh, well, I ,too, hate to call on good folks in this way, in view of, well, today's economic situation - but, well, gosh, so many of our 'Ronald Reagan Memorial Sites' are somehow facing, you see, well, these 'increasing threat-levels'....It's a shame...........Poor 'Ronnie'."

['De mortuis nil nisi bonum dicendum est'. - A True-Blue Reagonite]


"I believe the govonor is expecting us, Michael...or should I say 'Senator Corleone?'"

"No, McConnell's offices are down here to the right, SHELBY is to the left.....spatially, that is."

"Riffed, fired, laid off... who the fuck cares? How much health care do you think we can get with $1200 dollar bills each?"

"Amazing score! But we gotta pinky swear, next time, more than 3 out of 10 of us make it out alive."

"Fuck Shelby and McConnell ! We'll go back through Vitter and try to break through that way........Whores aren't cheap, you know."

"No, we're still doing the federal bailout cartoon up here in the conference room, but now Simmons is going to the 48th floor to do the Blagojevich cartoon. We can still get it done, but everyone has to step up and take on a little more of the funny."

"...and when he says 'I hate the fucking Yankees! I'd never play for them!' we pop in. A few seconds later Jenkins back there follows us. Then watch what happens."

"Soooey, pig !-- Pig ! Pig ! Pig ! --Soooey, pig ! ---Eaahah, pig, pig, pig ! -- Soooey, pig ! .........Fuckin' pigs !"

"The scores here are C 's green."

"When we walk past the security guard on the way out, just act nonchalant. If you seem nervous, he might suspect something."

[Unable to be seen within the office of Rep. 'Dollar Bill' Jefferson(La.)due to the continued censorship of The New Yorker magazine, one of the more shameless Washington lobbying operations is doomed to haunt forever the hallways of The House Office Building.]

My wife is having a baby. We're naming him Jim, after you. Because you've always been there.


I only wish this weren't monopoly money.


Man, woking in Zimbabwe is a drag.

Now that we've got our bailouts, let's go bust us some unions! Ye-haw!

It is easier for a rich man to pull a wagon full of money through the eye of a needle, than for said rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Notwithstanding wait time attributed to abnormally large camels.

Oh my god! You had sex with him? You silly bitch, you are sooo gay!

"Why is everyone smiling? It's World Tiny Cranium Pickle Schnozed Ponzi Scheming Douchebag Day yet again and forever!"

"I never thought being bailed out would be so much fun!" (Apologies to Carolita Johnson!)

"It's not worth the paper it's printed on - well, actually it's not worth the 75% paper and 25% cloth it's printed on. Recycling center, here we come!"

"Huh ?! Well, that 'slope' replacing Representative Jefferson sure moves quick ! Damn ! You'd never guess to see it now, my man, what a 'seat of power' once held sway there, behind those very doors...uh, door ! Ah, 'mais ou sont les neiges d'antan ?', as the French have it ?"

"Michael Bloomberg is so stupid he accepts the absurd fairytale that two massive steel structures were pulverized and collapsed on their own footprints due to a low-temperature fire, and the third building, well, it just sort of had a spontaneous controlled demolition. Petite motherfucker's $5 billion turned into $20 billion since 9/11 though, just like Giuliani's net worth went from zero to $40 million. Haha -- like they say, comedy really is tragedy that happens to other people!"

J.D.(above)is the obvious winner !

"As my old man always said: 'Why borrow when you can embezzle?'"

"Hank is a kick-ass secret Santa."

Just cleaning up the trimmings and skimmings from my hedge funds.

"No, you can not borrow my wagon. I'm using it."

"Higgins has no idea that he's a cartoon character and that all his money is worthless."

"So, how's the wife and kids?"

"Did you hear about poor old Higgins? Apparently he was paid in U.S. currency."

"Didn't some fucking frog once say, 'It's not easy being green?'"

Look at how much money we got from the new reparations rebate pretending to be 1/16 black.

Can you believe management gave in to John Corbett's asking price for another Applebess voice over?

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