December 1, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #172

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
"What the fuck are you smiling about? It's World AIDS Day, asshole!" —David F

Second place
Standup comedian, off-panel: "You see, black people carve statues like this, and white people carve statues like THIS!" —Francis

Third place
"As the team swam to shore, they encountered a pleasant fellow, treading water. They asked him if he knew how to dunk. He laughed, and said no. They then dunked his head under, holding him there until bubbles came to the surface. —Damon

Honorable mention
"Supreme Court rules that Easter Island must allow Pasover idols to be represented." —JohnnyB

Kill him. —Deborah

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"The Metrosexual Moai are easily distinguished by their turtleneck sweaters, and adoration of Ed Asner."

Why the long faces?

Kill him.

Ha! Thats a good one, Earl. Now get back to work.

I dont know when it was built, but judging from its expression it was before our famines, epidemics, civil war, slave raids, and the crash of our ecosystem.

"What the fuck are you smiling about? It's World AIDS Day, asshole!"

"In contrast, the white settlers carved an idol to commemorate one of their own successfully completing a fart."

Yeah, I told the tribal elders how stupid that was, despite the big donations. Build monuments to ancestral gods *and* assholes from New York with second homes here? How do you think that's gonna look in a couple thousand years? But did they listen...no!

Supreme Court rules that Easter Island must allow Pasover idols to be represented.

"I find this scene intriguing and disturbing. Not nearly so intriguing or disturbing, however, as the fact that I, the observer of the scene, am represented nowhere in it. Wouldn't you agree, Farnsworth?"

Moai meets Mo Levy.

"As the team swam to shore, they encountered a pleasant fellow, treading water. They asked him if he knew how to dunk. He laughed, and said no. They then dunked his head under, holding him there until bubbles came to the surface.

"Yo. Dipshit. The east is thataway."

Having been robbed, stripped naked and buried up to his neck by pirates, Harold was gratified to discover that, by maneuvering in the sand, he could achieve an orgasm before he died.

"And on the third day, he rose from the dead, and that's why they call it Easter Island."

Just 40 degrees south of latitude, you'll find the Easter Island Outlet.

"What, he quarried ?!"

And we belive that the sculptor of the "Happy Man" had a lucrative sideline growing pot.

[While the preponderance of archaeological evidence indicates that the original settlers of Easter Island feared waves of fresh immigration from nearly every direction, a not insignificant school, basing its claims on indications of Roggeveen during his exploration in 1722, holds that an uncertain proportion of the population must have 'hoped for better things' entirely from the south - that is, from the direction of the South Pole.]

"This is Obamahead land. No McCain heads allowed."

"Sure, he looks happy now, but that sandstone he's made of is going to erode like crazy. We'll see who's smiling in 5,000 years."

"Eight ball in the corner pocket."

"If I blow just a little harder, I bet I can roll him into the sea."

[ I met a traveler from an antique land, Who said, A mass, a 'clueless' egg of stone Stands in the desert ! Near it on the sand, Half sunk, four shuttered visages... Why ?' ]

these guys may looks stiff but they give the most amazing hand jobs underneath our sand coffins


" "

says the rotund one: "these guys may looks stiff but they give the most amazing hand jobs underneath these sand coffins"

Harvey Weinstein: "this might not make sense to you but being neck-high in a pool of KY jelly with some chiseled Ethiopians in nothing but turtle neck sweaters and some XXL condoms is exactly what I wanted for my first night of Hanukkah.

"It's weird, Roland, how you can only stand upright during the solstice."

"No no, bodiless is fine, it's the neckless thing that puts you beyond the pale."

"I admit you've brought a new approach to the whole staring-into-the-distance aesthetic."

Beats me. Maybe he's Rapa-ture ready.

Extreme close-up of vaginal warts taken from Madonna's last OBGYN visit.

- Hereby, adding to the credit it won from 'The World Brotherhood League' by its publication of a 'black' cartoon figure in its Nov. 17 issue, The New Yorker would stake claim to further recognition from that worthy organization with these four, further instances, however stylized and abbreviated, of 'the black man in cartoons'. -

Far less known was an island some miles to the North called, "Happy Easter Island".

Although the locals were horrified, the tsunami had a calming effect on Saul.

"There was too much pressure on Fire Island. Now nobody can see his hairy back and small private parts."

"The humus here in unsound."

This had better be a dream. I'm pretty sure it is. I mean, those are huge stone faces and my head doesn't really look like that. Yeah, probably a dream. I have to wake up at 6:30 for work. Damn.

Who's the cracker?

Yo howly boy, if you can't cope with the kind, then get the fuck off the beach!

- It is little appreciated in the present day to what point Adlai Stevenson was venerated by Easter Islanders at the middle of the last century, such that stone sculptures of him were abundantly hewed from out their ancient quarries in token of esteem, and, by some crafty, as yet indeterminable means, moved overland by them, to remain even still, in one or two cases, amidst a panoply of their former deities. -

"It's a good thing it's a 'whacked' guy to see this."

Which head does not belong?

"The humus here IS unsound." [Correction to above. This puts me a few 'over five', so it won't do me any good -- and oughtn't.]

"That'll be 20 bucks."

Find the visitor from Christmas Island.

"The Buddha ?"

I give it six months before we are called "up and coming" in the New York Times Real Estate section.

[About suffering they were never wrong, The Old Masters; how well they understood Its human position; how it takes place While someone else is farting, or smiling a-seaward - or 'lip-syncing' dully a tune.]

Brought to you by Exxon Mobil Corporation.

"Fucking Americans!"

Goofy Fucker Photoshop strikes again...

The MIT senior class trip had been rather mundane until they stumbled on some chisles and a bag of weed.

Wow look at that ...I must be like so totally stoned...

"Not here, not now, Dad. We're still on tour. Don't embarrass me."

Please refer to me as Dwayne Johnson, or I'll have to ask you to leave the hot tub.

"Looks like somebody got laid last night!"

"Happy easter."

"Who erected YOU?"

"There goes the neighborhood."

Technically, it was a jar of milk. [pause] Not a carton.

"We're all iconic in our own way. And I'm not being ironic."

Bob was not concerned with the others erectile dysfuntion-he merely whistled.

Who's stoned?????

Welcome to Matt Dillon Island!

The genie said one wish-"I'd like to stranded on an island surrounded by big busts."

"This is blasphemous on so many levels. Number one, that's my uncle, Sid Drucker and I know he despised and feared the Moai. Number two...ah fuck it....one is enough!"

Moai meets MAOI on Happy Easter Island.

Christ, what an asshole!

The Moais here are a mob scene.

A look back at catch phrases presents 2000 AD:
"We're voting you off the island."
"Is that your final answer?"
"I don't see the difference between Bush and Gore."
"Someone's sure livin' La Vida Loca."
"We rock harder than you will ever roll, little man."

"The moai here have a sheen."

"Yo, yo, let me aks you: wha' choo be doin' here on our Rapa island?"

"Sorry, dude- you want Fester Island."

"White man all complacent and self-satisfied no mattah what."

"For God's sakes, Bob, stop masturbating!"

"You know that famous Post headline, 'Headless Body in Topless Bar'? That was me! Well, that was the rest of me. My head washed up on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. Gilligan will soon find me."

"Wee few, wee happy few, this brand of brother ! Yet he today that sheds his mood for me Shall be my brother, be his 'wares' ..e'er so mild !"

"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this."

"They'll never find me here."

"This moai here is alien."

"The hurry here is high-octane."

"They're 'baaaaaaccckk' !"

"So, I take it your date with the Evrolet woman went well?"

"According to the most recent understandings in evolutionary science, these radical changes in morthology, although rare, are hardly unprecedented."

"With all this gentrification I guess they'll soon be moving all us black folks to the moon."

To demonstrate she no longer harbored hard feelings, Sarah Palin shot and killed several members of the Inupiat tribe of Alaska and planted them on the White House lawn, each signed in red lipstick, "Withe Lovees, Sarahs Palin". Further investigation also revealed one of the heads as that of a farm-hand responsible for decapitating live turkeys.

"The talus here is unseen."

"The audience here IS 'niggardly'!"

- Don't it depen' on whot the meanin' of 'is' is ? - 'Dodo' Byrd

"The Maori, M-A-O-R-I, are unclean !"

-The salient here is obs'lete. - Gen. H. Norman Schwartzkopf, Jr.

Mr. Potatohead! Welcome to our nudist colony! Do you need some spudblock?

We're all going to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show!

Sadly all the Rockettes were miniaturized and removed from the island by an itinerant butcher.

Oh, no. I know that look. God damn it, you farted!

I'm sorry. but we don't roll that way.

Mr. Sedimentary found all the Igneouses very unsettling. Perhaps over time they would metamorph.

I was once attached to the penis rock in far left background. We're separated now.

Get out of here, No Neck!

The standard of guests here is certainly eroding.

I'm going to rock your world!

If I Had A Hammer!

So you haven't seen such a well chiseled group of men since Rock Hudson passed!

Welcome to the compound! I think you're out of your element.

I predict a sudden, tumultuous,rocky relationship!

I'd like to get you between a rock and a hard place!

Me and Stoney's relationship is on the rocks.

Meet me in the bedrock at midnight!

No one likes your abrasive personality, Mr. Pumice!

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom!


Welcome to Rapanui, Mr. Nui!

This is a Necked Only Beach.

We play Rock, Paper, Scissors all day, but we always tie.

Your mouth and chin look like our island flag!

Older fit rock hard Moai seeks well rounded companion for sunsets at the beach, sunbathing, surf watching, getting stoned by moonlight, stargazing, etc. Look younger than actual age. Possible long term relationship.

My grandfather is the Rock of Gilbraltar. He works in advertising for Prudential.

Shall I carve?

I may be gneiss, but don't take me for granite.

"Fuckin' Lord of the Hebrews droppin' shit outta his chariot again."

"This hill here is ' 'lympean' !"

"Of all the 'igneous' !!"

"......to December 7, 2008, a week that shall live in igneous. ..What th...!"

"I knew Wooly Willy. Wooly Willy was a friend of mine, and you're no Wooly Willy."

"When I asked for a little head, this is not exactly what I meant."

"I bought it as a souvenir of my visit to The Island of Men Hooked on Nitrous Oxide."

"Great--here's another one who drank the Kool-Aid."

"Anako te ariga oona! A! A!" [Rapanui-to-English translation: His face is ugly! Ouch! Ouch!]

"He's an FBI or CIA undercover. That they still don't recruit many noncaucasians is not due to the fact that they are idiots, but because this worldwide terrorist shit is a giant hoax, as is organized crime. The perpetrators they pretend to pursue are their own agents for the most part. The bad guys won a long time ago."

"Wikipedia says our faces 'bear proud but enigmatic expressions'...It just takes one asshole to fuck up that kind of review, you realize."

"Anyone know why that douchebag Hank Paulson is smiling all the time?"

Gosh, Batman, it seems like the Joker's still one step ahead of us. Where in the world do you think he'll strike next?

"What's the schist-eatin' grin about?"

[With apologies to John Hamm]

(Translated from the Spanish) - "No, 'Raphus cucullatus' is thinking to be become extinctioned ca. 1680 A.D. When character by the large hook'ed beak to front, 'cucullatus' is say to be come..and disappearing, with him bushy plumed of tail feathering. ...So,senores, do not permitting yourselves him 'vestigious' ear-like wings...him clueless facial feature deceiving you ! ....Que tal, beak'ed guy ?"

"Tufa or not tufa ?"

" 'Hasbro' here is obscene !"

"The webcam here is unseen."

"The hicks here are 'umpteen' !"

"Is that a chin on his face or is he just happy to see me?"

"Fucking Banksy!"

"Apparently the hipsters are running out of neighborhoods to ruin."

"Now that is some Koyaanisqatsi bullshit."

My sediments exactly!

(Apologies to Bou)

"Ha! Ha! That's 'rich', Farnsworth ! "Solo content-ere" ? 'Nolo contendere' "solo content-ere" ! ....Oh, wow !"

"Smile and the world smiles with you. Except for us."

"That fucking roundy is behind 'The Secret.' Let's glare at him until we get our money back."

Mr. Egg loses yet another round of "Honey I Love You But I Just Can't Smile."

"Well if it ain't Mr. Easter Egghead. You look like you dyed and went to heaven!"

"Ha! Ha! Sir Tumous Talus, I presume ?! Ha! Ha!"

I wish we hadn't sunk into the ground. With our arms free we could prod that jerk and drown him in the ocean.

"You are not Moai. You are not Eymoai."

Forget glory holes - burying yourself in the sand naked next to a bunch of hung guys is totally the way to go!

"It's the smugness of the hedge fund managers they've started commemorating that bothers me most."

"Wipe that silly grin off your face! Er... never mind. No hands."

"Shit! Just when you think it's safe to stare at the water along comes 'Eggs' Benedict."

"I thought it would make the cartoon funnier, but it really hasn't. Can we try a penguin? . . . Did you hear me? . . . Are you there?"

You know, it's kinda funny but here on Easter Island, we hate egg heads. Are you listening, humpty?

"At least it's not one of those brown bastards."

Who's got six thumbs and a big smile!

Today's cartoon courtesy the estates of Edward R. Murrow and Crazy Guggenheim.

-- It is proposed that 'The Great Annual Easter Egg Hunt' be conducted each year on Easter Island, using Ostrich eggs whenever feasible. (Chilean authorities are even now being approached.) Here is a preliminary sketch of ours showing how a portion of the island might appear during the annual celebration. Keep in mind that needy children from as far away as Israel, Iran, and Syria would be encouraged to attend in a spirit of harmonious endeavor. --

"Power hungry multibillionaire media fascist Michael Bloomberg appoints CIA death squad fourth in command David Cohen to dictate policy for the notoriously thuggish and psychotically racist NYPD and, apart from a chatty puff piece in the New Yorker a while back, the shadowy Cohen has his way and escapes any substantive local media scrutiny. Fuck."

"What? We've been facing the wrong way all this time? Crap!"

- Until the time of Heyerdahl's further finds during the 1955-56 expedition, it was scarcely conceivable that monoliths of such gravitas might have been the product of ocean-faring immigrants from the dope-ridden coasts of South America. -

"No...but is is obTUSE."

"Looks like we're shy one horse."

"I know the egg is broken and I have the experience to fix it."

"Now we know the egg came first."

"I think it's a 'I have no fucking clue what time it is' dial, and it's clearly on the metric system."

Yes I'm turnin' to stone
Caus you ain't comin' home,
Why ain't you comin' home
If I'm turnin' to stone,
You've been gone for so long
And I can't carry on...

Pedophiles will go to great lengths to escape capture...

I'm looking for a statuesque blonde...

Gary Glitter in "South Pacific"

Where Jimmy Hoffa's torso is buried!

"Forget it, Jake. It's a statue of limitations."

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this island!"

Standup comedian, off-panel: "You see, black people carve statues like this, and white people carve statues like THIS!"

"You remind me of Herb: he too was a self-delusional god before being publicly chastised for his miscalculations, only to re-emerge as a low-level bureaucrat with a cushy state or federal job."

You like me the best, the rest of them are just jealous. Now get that stupid grin off your face and give me a kiss.

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