November 24, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #171

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
"I don't know, lady. I just fucking work here. Do you want one or not" — JohnnyB

Second place
"I can't weigh them- They're not to scale." —Archie Tect

Third place
"So after I killed my wife, I hacked her into eight pieces. But then, each piece turned into a miniature version of my wife and started dancing around. So please, for the love of God, buy them all before I go INSANE!" —MisterHippity

Honorable mention
"So you want one...singular...shank section?" — therblig

"Why, there was a time when the kinetoscope brought all the benefits of enlightenment and culture to the smallest village and the farthest frontier, but of course now it's used mainly for porn." — Joshua

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"It's your lost youth. Nobody's buying it."

“Of course they’re free-range - what kind of monster do you think I am? We also have a special on giant fried eggs.”

"We're firing the one on the left this afternoon. We've warned her and warned her about mugging at the customers."

(whispering) "The scale behind me has become sentient and is holding me hostage. Please call the police."

"Sure we sell just a leg! What do you think the saw's for?"

We also have grouper doing the can-can but they're wearing pants.

"If you want something saucier, come back for the 11 p.m. show. Let's just say the sausage links behind me could tell a tale that would curl your hair."

"I carved them out of ham because I'm so lonely. God, I'm so crushingly alone. Please hold me, miss."

You have hooves...like a horse.

"Why, you're right! Customer would be able to see the meat I have for sale if I removed the picture of those dancing girls from the front!"

Gah. Customers, rather.

Glad you like the keyboard. I can play any Elton John song. Go ahead...make a request.

Sure they look good - but you don't want to watch how they're made...

"No, they're not kosher. They're shiksas."

"Well, then, could I interest you in the Jean Arp painting hanging on the rack behind me?"

"They're cornish Rockettes. They taste just like chicken."

"You should really try a fillet. Each one is handcut by my brother Sweeney."

No, ma'am: I stand by that sign. Rockettes have indeed been ate here. Your confusion is that you think "Rockettes" represents the subject when it is in fact the object. Perhaps it's a gender issue -- I've noticed that it's far more common for women to make that very same error than it is for men. See, as a heterosexual male, I correctly gravitate toward the notion of The Rockettes as objects. Speaking of which, I'm beginning to find your narrow-minded view of the world to be quite offensive and I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

"You wanna leg or a breast?

New York-style cheesecake.

"Me? I'd put them in the freezer. That way they stay in the goddamn kitchen."

"It's the economic downturn, ma'am. These extra Rockettes have been reduced to doing their show inside my meat case. Get it? Reduced?"

"29! NUMBER 29!!"

"I'm guessing your husband 's been missing 'his leg'."

"Why, 3 3/4' - 2 7/8' - 3 3/4', give or take ! You're the first female to ask."

"'What's the hacksaw for?' Ma'am, you are not kinky enough to be in my sex shop. Please leave."

"To be perfectly truthful, lady, we've had a few complaints about the weiners lately."

"Yes, you did see them in court about 4 months ago."

"Those'll cost you an arm and a leg. Quite fitting, isn't it?"

"I don't know, lady. I just fucking work here. Do you want one or not"

"Fresh? Sure. One of 'em just asked me to go up to her place. I'll say they're fresh!"

"Yes, I treat most women like a piece of meat. But, you, Alice - I would worship you."

...but I had chorus girl for lunch.

We're filming-Honey I shrunk the Rockettes.

They're like chicken wings or squab-negative calories-more work than nutritional value.

Yes, They're microwaveable.

It smells like fish but it tastes like steak.

The ones in Buffalo sauce have more of a kick.

I usually singe the hair off before broiling them.

The weiners are a bit larger this week...

Their outfits do fit like sausage wrappers you cloven hoofed woman.

Well it's been slow... so I converted my meat case into a burlesque puppet theater.

I can control 8 chorus girls with two hands and my penis.

"At 125 degrees, they think they're in a sauna. ..It's not fast food."

"As a white southern male, I don't like to serve blacks..but I have to."

"Yes, they're trophies. I always keep trophies. From my wife's dance class. What kind of trophy did you think they were?"

They are not kosher! What do I look like-a Rockette Zionist!

Honey, you said you didn't care if I did model Rockettes!

They are not free range-just in case.

All the male customers call it a heads up display.

"OK, one can can of pork. Anything else?"

Their dance 10, your looks 3.

The audiences were shrinking at the Music Hall so they downsized.

"By the ounce, actually. Look around you, m'am."

I'm not much for all this new fangled cloning, but, er, waste not, want not.

Tits or ass?

"Bonjour mademoiselle. Voulez-vous la cage aux folles?"

Thinking: "Why, Annabelle Lecher ! ..Gotta hand it to the lieutenant !"

If they don't meet the height requirement, they get cut.

Personally, I like them thin shaved.

Kosher? No, but one was orally blessed by a Jewish guy.

A little snack for the Doctor, Clarice?

They go on special during the Holidays.

They're Fosseville Brats.

"I like to put a handful down my pants and let them get busy."

"Shame, really ! People thought they wanted to bring down the expense of child-rearing. ...Remember when 'exotic pets' sold below $4./lb ?"

They perform a "cunning array of stunts" and then you eat them.

No ma'am-you can't beat our meat.

They're the young Russian chorus line from "Dancing with the Tsars."

"I just can't bring myself to kill them. Unless you really want to buy one."

"My C-O-S-H, cosh ! Duh ! ..Hanging to the left, madame ! Some of this 'meat' puts up a fight."

So you want one...singular...shank section?

You should see their bump and grind. I bump them on the head and then grind them into sausage.

"It's a long story. Suffice it to say that I also have a twelve-inch pianist."

"No. But we'll be getting a re-supply out of Africa any time now."

"How can I help you?"

"Make up your mind already! This isn't Rockette science!"

"Please don't order one of the miniature women! Those tiny, pathetic screams— I just can't bear to hear them anymore. And this saw hasn't been sharpened in weeks."

I can't weigh them- They're not to scale.

Won't regret-Can't forget.
What I did for stove...

Actually, they're the June Taylor Ham dancers.

Sorry we don't have any on tap.

Serving suggestion?- Boil in tap water.

Gam and Cheese on Rye-coming right up!

"You WISH, 'cut-outs' !"

We call them spamettes

Hot Pockettes!

O grams tranny fat!

Little practice, little practice...

Donut Holes are to donuts as sausages are to _______?

"Oh.., you must be thinking of my nephew, 'The Butcher Of Lyon,' or my cousin, 'The Butcher Of Rostov,' or my mother, 'The Butcher Of Abbeville.'"

Yes lady, if you tickle them, they laugh; if you prick them, they bleed; if you deep fry them, they scream. Now, do you want your pound of flesh or not?

Why is my apron wiggling? Er, that's just the exhaust from the walk-ins.

"It's a good thing there are no blacks in here to seed these."

I can't remember. I have butcher's block.

The butcher paper dolls just didn't cut it for me.

I'll throw in the bulimic one for free if you buy the others.
Pets or meat?

Everyone needs to visit the shrink now and then...

They make a nice can a pee.

Whore d'oeuvres? I have just the thing.

It gives new meaning to the term finger food.

"Women say I look like Rutger Hauer. Is that good ?"

No, I don't have any Chinese micromidget acrobats. You eat those and you're hungry for more in 20 minutes. Although it does make for a more well balanced diet.

If you order them moony side up, they taste a bit like anchovies.

No, we're not accepting applications Ms. Bobbitt!

I see one hog in a jacket, but we're out of pigs in a blanket.

"We just started selling tuna."

They're from the Vienna City Music Hall...

Trust me. They're bone-in.

If you want the trim, they become New York Strip.

"You've heard of the Carnegie Deli? This is the Radio City Deli! No, I don't know what that fried egg-like thing on the wall behind me is, either."

Buenos diaz, señora. I see you admire my little chorizo line.

(Whoops. Carnegie/Radio City thing above was me.)

“Pay no attention to the man behind the counter.”

Hello, Mrs. Cleaver. How's the beaver? I've got a big sausage just for you. If you and your hubby do it twice-is it a reward? Have you ever eaten a Fish Crockette? That little Wally has one after school everyday. Nice fleshtone shoes.

"It's a very, very ..very long story involving African, Presbyterian missionaries, rain-forest hanky-panky, 'in situ' orphanages, Congolese pygmies --and the trade in 'bush meat'. ...Seems Conrad was doing picnics."

"Why yes, they are 100% grass fed."

And now she's in me, always with me, tiny dancer in my hand...
Can you recommend a proctologist?

"Quite right, Mrs. Xlotl. To Serve Woman, as well !"

Welcome to the Muybridge Deli. Can I get you a pioneering series of motion-capture photographs?

Way before U2, there was Sam Cooke. Your hair has that Hullabaloo look. Don't you know you're uncool. Cause you're preoccupied with- 1955.
2 lbs of Archer Dancer Loaf it is.

He recalled her in her younger, more petite, flexible days, when she was a Rockette... He still had the trophy condom she tied a knot in hanging proudly overhead. She was his muse, the inspiration for Tiny Dancer Meat Puppets and the side order

"No, m'am. I carry no 'briefs' for those, except just what they got on."

“They weigh 2 to 3 pounds each--maybe more if they’re ovulating.”

"No, that is not an egg. That is a bed-pan in case one of them has to 'tinkle'. ..By the way, know where a 'child-size' might be ?"

"Some people even eat the head."

" 'Boned-up on the law' ?! More like 'boned-up by the law', lady ! ..Goes back five, six months, seems."

Yes, they're alive. Yes, you cook and eat them. Yes, it's creepy. Lady, what part of "Gahan Wilson Signature Series Meat Case" don't you get?

"Yes , very much the friendliest, not to say, most flirtatious, mizzus. Seems she's taken a shine to you, too. ..Grab her off next go-round ?"

"They stomp on the maggots."

"That's correct ma'am, the high kickers are a little stringier and best used for stews and such."

Take it from me, when one of these gals climbs out of your turducken and dances over to the cranberry sauce, that will be a Thanksgiving to remember.

It's my favorite-the can can from "Orifice"

What We Talk About When We Talk About Meat-Raymond Carver

It's an Elton John Tribute-Tiny Dancer Rockette Man

"So the governer will be by to pardon one soon? And they want to film her with me slaughtering the rest in the background? That won't be a problem. Thanks for the 'heads up'!"

It's the Broadway location - all we have are hams.

"The hers here are protein."

Could you post a link- I'll order them ONLINE!

The loins look particularly fresh today!

Silence of the Gams.

Cleave only unto me-baby!

I'm playing my meat pipe organ. It has 9 new keys.

No one seemed to be saying anything. The Butcher speechless from his tallywhacker caught in the grinder. She pondered the fresh meat mutely. A small cry from the case- I hope to be a waitress some day!

"No 'Alice' --but we got freakin' 'Dorothy', at last."

Garbo orders.

Are these Rockefeller Center Cut?

Those legs start at their toes and go all the way up to make a perfect ass of themselves.

"What the?! How the hell did he get out of the freezer? SOMEONE STOP THAT DOG!!"

"The fun part is chopping them up!"

Serge no longer served espresso with a twist of lemon at fancy art galleries. He cut meat. Brigitte slyly ignored the fresh cuts and thought wistfully of Flave's meth encrusted tube steak.

"May I interest you in one of our fat ugly miniature women?"

[ 'Lar' ! - a butcher, who had nine wives, And, fearing this 'menage' might seem grotesque, Persuaded eight of them to sport their wiles 'Locked an arm', for 's public mask !'.]

"Break a leg ?"

"I know. I know. It's smells like a seafood place in here...I get that all the time."

It's $5 per arm, $10 per leg, and $20 for the rump. . . . And no returns on that last one. We've had issues.

It's our "William Tell Overture Platter"...rump titty rump titty rump rump rump.

"Yes, those are chicken rockettes."

"Love death, hate living...........mmmm woman,.....friend good........she hate me.........just like others...."

"Oh, hi Mom."

"I'm telling you ... don't play staredown with them!"

No, this is better:

"Please, I'm telling you ... don't look in their eyes!"

"Come back tomorrow, thigh of Bea Arthur will be 1/2 off."

"Lady, if you're concerned about my display case then you're really not going to be happy about the hacksaw, toilet seat and used elephant condom hanging on the wall behind me."

"Look, m'am, I make no apologies. After all, I am a butcher."

"I'm sorry Mrs Kramden. I haven't seen Ralph. But if I know Ralph, he's probably hanging out at the Raccoon Lodge or bowling."

Came in this morning and the drawings were there, missus. From the inside. It's not the first time the live lobsters have resorted to hieroglyphics as a plea for help.

Yeah, they won't fuck me either.

"No one seems to want to buy my meats since I put that picture of the women up in the glass. Go figure."

They're only good until January 20th.

"I could throw another shrimp on them Barbies, or throw another Barbie on them shrimp--it makes no difference to me, ma'am."

"In America, chorus girl eats you!"


"Yo, Little Lulu, you still got it, girl. I bet you still wild as any Zulu too, ain't you?"

"How do they smell? With their noses, that's how. Ha ha! Also with their vaginas."

"Just as you ordered, Alice: chicken cutlets genetically engineered to look like Mrs. Brady. Now as promised Mr. Brady gives you that raise and you give me that blumpkin! Woo-hoo!"

"What? You think a bleating veal calf ripped from its mother and trapped in a tiny crate all its short life before being horribly slaughtered feels less pain and terror that any of these miniature happy hookers who dance and laugh until a quick surprise chop to the neck?"

"I saw her first."

"They audition, they rehearse, but they never make it out of your butthole, and they burn their own calories."

"It's not that weird. So what if we're giants who run a butcher shop with dancing girls for entertainment?"

"If you run past it fast it looks like they're moving. Anyway, look, I was just about to hang myself so if you don't want anything..."

"Lady, you disgust me! You and the appalling state of America's infrastructure. You, the appalling state of America's infrastructure, and those shows where people eat balls. You, America's decayed infrastructure, those shows where people eat balls, and the kids with their sexy outfits. You, bad infrasctructure, ball-eating tv, sexy teens, and Chinese Democracy, available now at Tower Records, Strawberry's, and Sam Goody's."

"Strawberry Frogurt? Yeah, the thoid one from the left is Strawberry Frogurt. She also grants wishes and sings like an angel. But she drinks so she's a nightmare to work with."

"So how's it going Mrs. Petersen? You hear about them pirates? Pretty crazy stuff, ya know? Hey, but it takes all kinds, right? You like that? Those're foetuses. I put little outfits on them so the monsignor don't get upset."

The Broadway Barbie display, assembled with careful, loving attention, seemed like such a good idea only moments ago but fear gripped Kenneth as he realised some patrons would doubt his manhood.

"Yes, I agree. The translucent casings around them are exquisite. You don't see that kind of work anymore. The Venice Biennial is interested. Do you date butchers?"

"One step further and she will line up with the reducer ray. Then my chorus line will be complete!"

"Lady, this is a New Yorker cartoon. We only carry white meat."

"Sorry, we're looking for smaller, younger and less frumpy DANCERS! Thank you. NEXT!"

"The one on the left seems to like you. She'd love you to take her home before I cut her other hand off."

"I had animal sex with your sister last night.

"I know you have the law and the facts on your side, but I'm going with the dancing girls on this one."

"It all started with the lamb chop panties . . . "

I don't know who they are, they just came with the Gahan Wilson signature collection icebox, but their tiny little screams of despair are starting to drive me crazy.

Since the day after Clive Barnes called them "just offal."

Ma'am, I couldn't stay in business here on Anti-Caption Ave. if I had a problem with . . . people's eyes. Last week some jerkoff with a wandering eye, pardon my French, tried to return a turkey he bought somewhere else. The week before that, this Jew in a poncho with exophthalmos came in asking for chorizo. So lady, I could care less about your albinism or whatever; I'm looking straight into your rheumy eye and saying, "Can I sell you some meat today?"

"They're so cute, I just don't have the heart to butcher them."

"No, I haven't seen the winner of last week's caption contest either. Here, why don't you chew on a little dancing-girl flesh while you're looking?"

"No, I haven't seen the winner of last week's caption contest either. Here, why don't you chew on a little dancing-girl flesh while you're looking?"

"No, I haven't seen the winner of last week's caption contest either. Here, why don't you chew on a little dancing-girl flesh while you're looking?"

"In an effort to curb malicious comment posting by abusive users, I've enabled a feature that requires a weblog commenter to wait a short amount of time before being able to post again. Please try to post your comment again in a short while. Thanks for your patience."

"I'm sure glad there are no black people here to see this."

Though this would better fit my alternate anti-caption catch-all: "Tonight, we dine in hell!"

"So then the little bastard steals my goose, that golden egg bitch, you know. I never find him, but I took a bunch of gals from his village, put in a new bean stalk, and bingo-bango, I'm a butcher now. Cept I only got Englishmen meat. Fee-Fi what fuck ever, right?"

"Their coming through Fear Factor like that should have been a warning to me."

"Usually in a bun with horseradish and mayo."

"Oh, you know -- can't kick."

"Sorry, full price until Friday. If any are still here I'll give you 20% off."

"No I don't think any of them are named Chuck."

"And then I thought to myself -- 'You know, I really could use something to brighten the place up.'"

Wait 'til you see the Beenie Weenie show.

I'm standing here teetering over the edge of an endless abyss where the floor of my butcher shop disappeared and you're worried about the price? Lady, if you haven't bought a new coat since 1940, you can't afford these babies. Throw me sausage link rope.

"Chorus Girls"! The other white meat!

Meat Shop Chess-
Pawnshop coat wearing frumpy bitch to Dancing Queen's Butcher-3.
and Mate!

"Little Chops of Horror"

"...Aluminum foil over the breasts will keep tender, but don't try to use their cavities for the stuffing. They're dancers, remember. You don't have a lot of room to work with."

Sam's widow Alice couldn't not be cheered even by the miniature dancing girls since she sold the butcher shop to Achmed and the Brady Kids were all grown now. The revelation that Mike was really gay and Greg was doing his Mom and sisters was not groovy either. Sam used to give her the best salchicha.

"I like to place five or six around a Supreme Dish and serve them with cocktail sauce"!

We do have some salmon-
"The Other Pink Meat"

Graham was Brian, Carl and Dennis' brother who couldn't harmonize. He founded Beverage Air and wrote Broadway tunes.

Craig's List:
Refrigerated Straight Front Food Display Case
77" wide x 48" high x 34-5/8"" deep, Anodized aluminum frame, Insulated front glass Insulated glass top & ends- Framed, sliding, insulated, tempered glass doors
Top light & shelf lights with lamps 1 white wire shelf Pan capacity 16 - 18" x 26" ETL Sanitation Listed (NSF STD-7)
Self-contained air-cooling unit 120 Volt - 60 Cycle - Single Phase
1/3 HP - 12 Amps
10' cord, plug & switch U.L. listed
Automatic, energy saving, condensate evaporator
Heavy duty white HPL laminate interior deck
Heavy duty steel base - Black finish-$9000 (Rockette Dancing Girls additional $250,000)

"I decline service to any wearer of animal fur and must ask you to leave the store. This is my undeviating policy since October 27, when I joined the Sierra Club following an inspirational speech by one of its Green Party candidates."

She could have been the perfect woman-her head was flat enough to rest a beer on. However, the lack of a chin to rest the nads upon detracted from the bonus points for near stiletto goat feet.

Ma'am- The butcher shop is next door. This is the Petite Dancing "Spinner" & S&M Emporium. If you want to return with your husband we can arrange something.

"People...Who eat people...Are the luckiest people.....In the world...They're filling..."

"And for a cut above 'whore's meat', I can show you these...."

The butcher, customer and Rockettes all appeared speechless.

The dark haired ones make a nice brunette en brochette.

I have a tiny plastic surgeon who can devein them for you.

"Look Who's Not Talking"-Not starring John Travolta
Theme Song by John Cage
"It's a Mumfest with Kick-"
the late Marcel Marceau (in ASL of course).
Winner of the Gallaudet Film Festival

We're sold out of Boston Butt and skirt steak, I can special cut these into your choice of heel of round, rump roast, eye of round, New York Strip or leotard.

The lifelong con disguised as a grandmother is quietly casing the sausages.

After the SEC investigation insider trading fines, Mark Cuban
opened McCain's Maverick Meat Market & Miniature Mavs Dancers.

"Right ! Fifth from the left ? ..Go figure ! She's got her neck out of joint over SOMETHING."

Did you see what I sawed?

The groupies all went for the bandsaw operator.

I do not like them in the Sprockets. I do not like Miniature Rockettes. I do not like them Ma'am I Am.
I do not like large eggs and gams.

He was, hands down, the best butcher in NY.

As the humidity drops, they become more jerky.

He wouldn't give her the bare bones of the story.


("That's odd - she doesn't look like a lesbian")

Would you like to dine in or eat them out?

Do I have reservations? Only about eating your undersized sweet meats.

I won't cut the legs off-that's lame!

This is the worst show since Meg Ryan's "In the Coldcut"

--"Neck out of joint" ? Show Girls ? I think we all know what that's about !"==

You want free meat, that's like so commanist!

Twat would you like to order?

Camel Toed Kick-N-Strips are on special today, Mrs. Fernwood.

Velma had to position herself awkardly in front of the meat counter after nailing the 2x4 to her right kneecap.

I don't know how they get those damn ships in a bottle!

Drove downtown for some brains nine-thirty on a tuesday night,
Just to check out the late-night butcher shop.
Call it repulsive, call it convulsive, call it inane,
But when Im surrounded by mini-rockettes I just cant stop.
Its a matter of end stinks, its a matter of refrigerated air conditioning,
Its a matter of tap.
You can call me pavlovs slob.
Ring a bell and Ill cut a steak. Would you like fat?
Dr. Phil tells me youre not just a pedophile,
Cause right now im
Drawing in bed just like Graham Wilson did
Well Im drawing in bed just like Graham wilson did.
So Im drawing here, just starting at the checkered tiles.
And Im doodling about what to doodle about.
Just sketching and resketching to stylish style,
And Im wondering if cartooning is some kind of creative job
Because I am Drawing in bed just like Graham Wilson did
And if you want to find me Ill be out with a lightbox,
Wondering where the hell all the ink has gone.
Graying my background and building meathooks in the air,
And erasing with gum, gum, gum..
Somebody help me, I couldnt see the background tiles
Somebody help me because im
Drawing in bed just like Graham Wilson did.

Apologies to Gahan-looked like Graham.

"They're a bit stale. They're left over from '71 - remember Elton John, 'Tiny Dancer'?"

"Why, if it ain't Little Orphan Annie, all growed up!"

"Don't even ask."

"It all depends."

"I'm sorry -- would you repeat that?"

It's a mini Asstrail Projection Theater.

I'm catering the Tablevision contract negotiations with the Miniature Guild of Variety Artists-It's a small network.

Tard's Butcher Shop-
Leo and Rhee, Proprietors

They really butchered that last number.

The new meat cutter, Victor, prayed they would spoil.

The only daughter of Hot Lips & the late Major Frank "Chinless Chipmunk" Burns had looked everywhere for small meat paper dolls that resembled her mother. Eureka! She had found them...

Balinkoff's Theater is Doing Last Tango on Gilligan's Peninsula starring some Mutton as Lobster and the Moreau Playhouse is doing "A Chorus Line" Val Kilmer has the Cassie role and Marlon Brando is Sheila.
The role of Zach is played by Ground Chuck. Superman is cutting flank steak at the Bizarro Butcher Shop.

It was a dark and stormy night outside the butcher shop, but inside it seemed as if some unseen but limp wristed gahan was slicing the meats into perfect little dancing girls. The customer often wore Lu'Air du Temps, but not tonight. She could smell the chorus girls but, alas, I could not. A slight reflux of lox stirred in my gastric column, dimming my olfactory acumen. The imminent emanation of fava beans hung over the room tensely. How could the New Yorker reject my submissions for the 1000th time?

@Mr. Know-it-all:

Tonight, we dine in heels!!

Go back to the four decade old Rockette outlet store!

If two people and a country ham were an eternity, two people and nine micro-rockettes were from here to eternity.

The thigh high transparent go-go boots by Rocketteport were exhilarating.
"Rocketteport Makes You Feel Like Highkicking"

Buy this magazine or we'll shoot these dames.

"'Take Your Daughters To Work Day' comes but once a year, but 'Keep Your Daughters At Work' can last forever and ever and ever!"

"Vegans, Peta Workers and Tofu Mamas, dead and damned to eternity in my fridge. Bad for business, I must say..."

"The inhumanity aspect rankles, but then again, we're forty, fifty feet tall and we can fe fi fo fum eat who we goddam well wanna eat."

"I eat'm feet first, that way the hair makes a jim dandy floss."

'My esquadrille of trained pelicans scoop them up off the beach over by Lilliput.'

"How'd they get here? Practice, practice, practice."

"So sorry, but 'Back Off, Boogaloo' is the only song they'll dance to. Really, you don't know how sorry..."

"You wanna get smalllll? . . . I mean, really, really small."

This is some funny stuff. The real New Yorker's 3 top captions can't begin to touch this site. I'll bet they have meat organ pianist envy.

"Vegas, with a spume of mono-colored 'ass', Scripts the light variance to maternity."

"What grays in Vegas fades from Vegas."

Don't be so sad Nomi Malone! Some of us have a hankering for the dry aged meat even with the fungal growth. These wet prime loins don't have the same flavor. Close that tacky coat-I see you have a SAG membership!

A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Retired Rockettes of Radio City from Being a Burden to Their Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public... whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled, in a fricassee, or a ragout.
Swift Meat Packing-Greely Colorado

Ma'am, this shop doesn't open till 10 Am. As you can clearly see beneath you-it's only 9:55.

The black linoleum was clearly beneath her. She was used to well marbled floors and well marbled steaks. Without them she had lost her marbles. No one played Granny Hole these days anyway.

-- This 'stuffing' towards the bottom (except for its occasional reference in classical literature) is going from bad to worse, so look for your winner right along in here. --

Name's Ralph, but people call me Ray. Beware of the hidden and not so hidden bombs. The dancing girls may be booby trapped. The Jerries like to hide surprises in the musical instruments, so be wary of the skin flute. This movie seems like it goes on forever, but then, I'm impatient. Would you like to buy a half pound of flesh, slightly burned?

No, I really don't like football so much. Why?

Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

Running with the bulls. What about you, what weird and different thing everyone says they've always really wanted to try but probably never will are you going to actually do next summer, God help you?

Yeah, so we didn't tell you we used your picture. We didn't tell you what's in the sausages either.

Lady, I wouldn't mind personally but my boss says if you want to keep staring at the counter mesmerizedly, you need to buy something.

It was 3 pm and not a single customer had showed up in Ralph's "Saw, Fried Eggs, Sausage and Mannequin Shop".

I serve them with sliced Radoshes.

If there were more dots, I've have you check me for hernias with a Mankoff. For now, would you like a sample of Kick In the Teeth Pickled Feet.

"How much per pound? I forget. How much did it say up on the marquee?"

"Of course, Ms. Desmond. You're still big- it's the productions that got small."

"Looks like someone left a door unlocked on the Alzheimer's ward again, mother. Now don't move from the black square 'til that nice orderly comes for you."

Waiting for Columbus.

Duchovny the Butcher read the meat prices aloud, missing his little doggie
that had been ran over by a streetcar named Lack of Desire. Invisble Shoe Diaries- "Stellllaaaa!"

Greatest _hit_. Sir, your S fell off the meatshop marquee and I'm not sure of the placement.

I like my women slightly battered.

I've had battered women all my life, the really young ones I like to eat plain.

That's what happens when Rockettes do USO shows on the Spindrift and someone plays too close to the wormholes. NY is the land of the Giants

"WHITE paper bag, that'll work !"

"We're experiencing an infestation of middle-aged men --in raincoats, no less ! -- this week. At first there I thought you might be one, ma'm. ..Sorry."

"For 'suspicion', that's what ! This is a sting !"

" 'New Yorker' born and bred, ma'm. It's not like we don't try to draw blacks in here."

[Somebody must have traduced 'K-Mart', for, without having done anything..terribly wrong, it was infested one fine week.]

" 'Whosoever strives upward, him alone can we [rave]' ? Come again, lady."

"Raggedy Ann ?!"

"Oh Golly Gee...Sir, I, uh, I'll have a pound of the Rockettes."

"What's that mam?"

"Young man, please excuse me, but I'm tripping my balls off right now. Now, please, just measure them out and put them in my bag."

"So, call me a cynic ! From left to right that's $23.99, $21.99, $22.99,$20.99,$18.98,$22.99,$19.99, and $21.98 ...lady."

"But, of course, if you're having guests, you might take a chance over at Brobding Ham."

"Number ten!"

"They're the sexiest meat items I'm allowed to display up front. Now, in the back room, we have General C. Salami coming through the rye, if you know what I mean."

"We call them Cutlettes."

"We warned them when they first came here: 'You want fame? Well, fame costs. And right here's where you start paying -- at $3.99 a pound.' "

"That's why front row tickets here are only three bucks."

"I've got a Rockette in my pocket."

Yeah, the one on the end keeps mugging and breaking the fourth wall. Bitch.

"You can call them 'Cutlettes', you can call 'Coquettes'-- you might even call them 'Culottes'- deriving from the French 'cul', meaning 'backside'. ...They are generally hailed by one 'C' word or another."

So you are saying I could have the other half of that sausage link, a fried egg that can hang from a wall or a thigh and a drumstick from one of the rockettes?! Goodness.. thats a lot to take in.. I guess I'll take a thigh from the third one from the left? no fourth! My, I'm confused..

I would just recommend you boil them with some of those heavy duty head phones on.. those tiny screams will just break your heart and ruin your dinner.

"No, sorry, I'm fresh out of croquettes. How about a nice Rockette instead?"

"I don't care what you smell. I told you, I don't have any tuna."

"God, I hate 'Bring Your Lilliputians To Work Day'!"

"So after I killed my wife, I hacked her into eight pieces. But then, each piece turned into a miniature version of my wife and started dancing around. So please, for the love of God, buy them all before I go INSANE!"

"Since the downturn in the economy, I've been renting out the butcher shop to Off-Broadway productions. Tonight, it's the premier of, A Really Small Fucking Chorus Line."


(no more captioning under the influence for me)

"Dogs love them, plus we've added a breath freshener."

"So lady, you come in here and call me the Broadway Meat Nazi? NO TROUPE FOR YOU! COME BACK ONE YEAR!"

(apologies: since we're doing a butcher/deli cartoon, my number of entries is "a little over".)

About four small links or one and half big ones. It really depends on the size of the girl and how much filler you use.

"No, 'The Three Pigs' perform later this afternoon. I am casting my girls, before swine."

"What's 'stats' to Vegas stays in Vegas. 3 7/8" - 2 3/4" - 3 7/8" doesn't cut it !"

"A butcher? Oh no no no I'm a Rockettte man
Rockette man burning out his fuse up here alone."

I may have used too much shortening...

Wilson's a master at slowing cooking the fat out of them-this is an artist's rendering.

"Uuuuh ! ' I cannot think well of any man who sports with a woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of '. Touchy, touchy !"

"Well, I have a buddy who's a gender-reassignent surgeon. I hung up a poster from a patient reunion as a favor.

Did I mention our special on hot dogs?"

"They're shaved, not sliced."

"If I were a carpenter

and you were a lady

would you marinate anyway

would you have my rabies?"

"Why, there was a time when the kinetoscope brought all the benefits of enlightenment and culture to the smallest village and the farthest frontier, but of course now it's used mainly for porn."

"Yes, their very existence is an affront against God and man, but just taste them! The meat falls right off the bone!"

"Room for one more."

"Homunculi-R-Us, how can I help you?"

"If you don't think the world is fucked up, just take a look at the numbers of each of these anti-caption contests.

"This one is 171, the one before it is 247, the one before that is 170, and the one before that is 168!

"It reminds me of when the contest went from 141 to 143 to 143, but it's worse this time around.

"Anyway, what'll it be?"

"It depends. What's today's special?"


"Of course. Then I'll have those."

"I'm sure you already do, my lovely. I'm sure you already do."

"Oh dear!"

"Pleased to meat you!"

If you don't eat meat then what the fuck are you doing here?

It's actually a very sad story. They were raised from birth by a kindly old choreographer and have spent their lives delighting children around the world. He came to me in tears this morning with the girls still asleep in their little beds. Apparently, he'd run into some very serious financial trouble and this was his only option. He left here sobbing.

The taste? Oh, I'd describe it as essentially veal. But with more of a "kick". Ha ha ha ha. But, seriously, be careful not to overcook them or the arms and calves will really dry out.

"What can I say? I'm obsessed with gams."

"Come here often?"

"So I says to him, 'who doesn't like a good pork butt now and then?'

And he says, 'How would I know, I'm a Jew!'

And so I says, 'What the hell does that have do with it?'

And so he says, 'You idiot, don't you know that Jews don't eat--'

And I says 'Who said anything about eating??!"

My sign is vital, my hands are cold, and I’m on my knees looking for the answer. Are we human or are we dancer?

The next show is a Footloose revival-306 Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

"I'm the chief butcher and choreographer."

It's an original Gahan Wilson.

"Yes, lady, meat is murder. Now do you want a chick filet or not?"

"It's my chopped liver salute to Peter Gennaro."

"You eat people all the time. Soylent Green? People."

My English not so good. Could you repeat question?

I'm thinking of calling it the "Standing Ovation." An egg so hearty you can hang it from a hook.

I've been reading a lot of Brecht recently.

"Baste not, taste WHAT ?!"

Yes, that's it! Just a slight inclination of the head and shoulders is the bow you should use when greeting a butcher in Japan. Enjoy your trip!

Christ. I spray and spray and they just keep coming back!

Something like chicken... but perkier.

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