November 3, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #168

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
"Remember when you said you couldn't decide between a nice meal out or going to the freak tent at the circus? Well, I've got a surprise for you... I'm fucking your sister." —Mork

Second place
"Here's our sushi. There's no escaping the long arm of the raw." —Damon

Third place
"This is the weirdest restaurant I've ever been in! What's next - a tiny flying saucer emerging from the kitchen trailing a plume of thick exhaust from its tailpipe?" —Vance

Honorable mention
"Don't freak out - the waiters here have extremely long arms." —Gary Goldsmith

Waiter Wily's

Wily limbs

Made them wait a while

In the sort of place

That favors

Carpet over tile

Both he and she

Sat slack-jawed

Staring into their laps

Not realizing
The waiter's plan;

Lure them into a trap!

(He ran a human meat stall
In a room around the back) —Donny

"I should be home picking last week's New Yorker cartoon anti-caption contest winners. As most of the entries are completely uninformed by the delicious and subtly delineated rules I carefully composed long ago, what started as a lark has become an onerous chore, sapping my strength, my hope and my will to live." —J.D.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Here's our sushi. There's no escaping the long arm of the raw."

"I like my eggs like I like my women--sunny side up on the floor."

The carpet is hot lava.

"She's still Elastogirl, but she waits tables now too. Pretty cool, huh?"

"This is my first time eating at Suess' here on Mulberry Street. I ordered the Ooblick."

So, anyway, did you here that the Fantastic Four were laid off from their superhero jobs" Wonder what they're doing now."

"No, they're not serving snake - the snakes are serving."

"The food is just average, but the service is interesting."

The head waiter is neither part of the front of house staff OR the back of house staff. It is a unique position as set forth in the union guidelines. That's what the headwaiter said when I asked him if he would tell me how they determined the price of the specials, anyway.

Little Orphan Annie's blind date didn't seem to notice but the wait staff was freaked out by her dead, empty eyes.

"I would not eat it in a trattoria. I would not eat it with Eva Longoria. --Not that you are she, of course. I'm just sayin'."

"They've gotten everything right so far. The Beef Wellington, the long-armed waiter, the shower daisies - just like my fantasy. Next, I fuck Little Orphan Annie underneath a picture of a house. If that's supposed to be you, get your sorry ass out of here. I didn't pay ten grand for someone who's legal."

"No, honey, I don't think your perfume's too strong. Not at all. I mean, it could hardly be strong enough to cover your overwhelming vaginal odor."

"This is the weirdest restaurant I've ever been in! What's next - a tiny flying saucer emerging from the kitchen trailing a plume of thick exhaust from its tailpipe?"

"The cow patties smushed into the floor are a nice touch. Hope they didn't put those to any other use. Heh heh. Heh. Get it? Other use? Like, say, foul-smelling hors d'oeuvres? Heh. Oh, man."

So I found this restaurant on *craigslist* - what's the problem? Do you forget how we met?

"Don't worry dear, it's prosthetic. Like Ann Jillian's breasts."

"Opps, sorry about...Oh God, not again...WOW! I am SO very sorry...Anyway, as I was saying, I am looking for women you can see past my persistent flatulence."

"Ever since I lost my lower jaw to cancer, people have a tough time having to come up and look me in the face."

"Yeah, well, you should see his penis!"

"The New York Times says the waiters here have the longest f#@%ing arms in town. But 'f#@%ing' is not used with a sexual connotation."

"The food here is AMAZING but the service takes way way way too LONG...oh never mind."

' 'The chores' here is unseen."

"Stop pissing on my leg, I think the waiter is noticing"

"Honey, do you think that's a real Renoir on the wall there?"

"No, definitely not, looking at that food DOES NOT make you look fat"

"So I go, Okay, that table right under the painting of the top half of a dollhouse -- I mean the one over in the far corner where there are plate sprockets set in the floor -- is worth every cent of a fifty-buck tip. But I have to ask you one thing. With arms twelve feet long and no elbows, how do you jerk off? And so he goes, You're not the first chinless short-dick ever ask me that question. -- Oh, look, here come our three little bowls of shit ..."

"... -- But in fact the explanation was simple. His right arm turned out to be normal in length. So he pulls his other hand out of his pocket to show me and we shake hands on the deal but then it occurs to me, I'm shaking the hand he jerks off with. Guy just told me, basically, Here, loser, shake the hand I jerk off with! And I can tell he knows this is going through my mind because he just, you know, stands there grinning. And probably as a general rule you do shake hands with the hand people jerk off with and it doesn't especially bother you. But when a person has one arm as long as a barge pole and the other just normal, that really brings it home, so to speak."

"Oh yeah ! Hire out the forest all the time...jungle, too !"

Seriously, Pam, they have a painting of a roof! Not a house, a roof! I'm outta here! This place blows!

"Frigin' monsoon out there, babe ! I mean, right out freakin' Borneo or somethin' ! ...Whoa ! What th.! Sun back ?! Blue sky ?! Well, like it say, 'if you don't like the weather 'bout here...........'"

"Yes, the large hadron collider just came online. Why do you ask?"

"There's something weird about our waiter. I think he might be Belgian."

"I like this place but I find they're still a little skittish about serving a woman dressed in men's clothing."

"Did you notice an obscenity scribbed on the floor over there?"

With "gaudy decor", and an "odor of old people", the ambience at Busy Betty's is "not particularly pleasing." "Stay away" from the "overly salty chicken dishes" which were "cooked to death." You might want to "stick to the hamburgers." The homemade vanilla ice cream was "not too bad." Service was "quick enough", by "mysterious waiters" with "arms as long as fuck."

"You're looking in one direction, but that's not the direction I'm looking in."

" 'Tee-hee for two' ?! Back-page 'New Yorker'! ..That's 'rich', honey ! ..Wait, do I date myself ? ..Wait, that'd be 'hermaphrodite'- ha!,ha!,ha!,ha!,ha!,ha!"

"Come on, 'Nan', you gotta know this thing hasn't legs !"

"I've dated 'hotter' mummi.. er, I mean, mommies-- 'hotter' mommies !"

No, I distinctly said "Dinner at TGI Fried Eggs".

"Nice try at distracting our attention from the half-done painting. What a cheap joint this is."

"Seating before paintings so 'establishes' one, don't you feel, honey ? Well, us, anyhow ! And, well, not to get 'cheeky' or anything , but, frankly, you'd less need. ! ..'Bouffant'..'Bux..' "

"I will not eat them in a box. I will not eat them with a fox."

"Excuse me, honey, but I just got to ask you your stance on 'first-date sex'. See, it worked for this guy I saw, this was September 29, swank restaurant, too ! I mean, the guy looked to be getting somewhere with that one...couple of other types with had a shot there. Put him 'in the game', anyhow, so I been dying to try it on ! ..........Where's that ape-waiter of ours ?!"

"I TOLD you to douche before we left, but no, you said, it's fine, you said."

"No, a cigar is always a penis."

"Don't freak out - the waiters here have extremely long arms."

"You look very nice this evening. Is that a new dress?"

"This is where Robert Kennedy was shot."

"You've heard of 'the long arm of the law'? Well, this is the long arm of Nigel Fielding. He works here as a waiter, and he has a really long arm."

"I had a dream where I was hit by a car and woke up in 1973. The weirdly long arm? We'll have to find a way to incorporate it somehow."

"After all the years of revenge attempts by Dr. Doom and Galactus trying to devour the world, who would have guessed that a simple lawsuit would have reduced Reed Richards to a lowly waiter?"

The hors d' ouevres here are obscene.

"Except for the long-armed waiter, I am experiencing an incredible sense of déjà vu right now!"

Did you fart?

"To call the service here good is a bit of a stretch."

"Ha ha. Apparently our waiter is hyper sensitive to sesame.
Ok, that's a lie. He actually viscerally dislikes us as a couple. Ok,ok....that's false too. It's you that he loathes Annie! You and your vacant, gold-digger eyes."

"And Vinny? Don't even get me started on that disease-ridden man-whore... he's right behind me, isn't he? God, I hate it when that happens."

"I like to surround myself with freaks so that my beta male vibe is less evident. Surely you read that in my profile?"

"I used to have a freakishly long arm but I had it amputated and the Chinese sold it to some chink waiter on the black market. Surely I mentioned that on my profile?"

"You kiddin' ?! This joint's jumpin'...I mean, comparison the last place ..Sept. 29, yeah ! Get this ! Me and this 'maitre' and the 50-something 'lonesomes', which he cut me out for. Yeah ! So anyways.... Heellloooo ! what's this 'thing for older babes', you figure ?! ..But, nah, this place's freakin' swingin', comparison, I'm speaking, Mrs. Robinson."

"It's called The Back Nine, and you can count on my putter to stand up."

"Whaddya think? Is he gonna spill eggs all over the carpet again?"

"Funny. Somehow, I get the sense people aren't really taking this election seriously, after all."

"See? It isn't 'No shirt, no feet, no service' after all!"

"Ah, that's a common mistake for newcomers to relativistic dining. He isn't expanding - instead, we're experiencing length contraction as we approach the speed of light. It all depends on your frame of reference, you see.

Still having trouble? It's OK. Becoming increasingly dense with increased velocity is another side effect of the process, so it's not really your fault.

Don't take it so hard. It was just a little physics humor. I know you're still attracted to me - after all, we ARE being agonizingly compressed into a point source. And by the time we get back, I'll be the last man on Earth, the human race having long since perished in our absence due to the phenomenon of subjective time. So my point is that I can wait. In the end, our union and frenzied sexual congress are as inevitable as entropic decay."

"It's the long arm of the slaw."

"If I were a reach man... yada dada dada dada dada dada dada dum..."

Waiter Wily's
Wily limbs
Made them wait a while

In the sort of place
That favors
Carpet over tile

Both he and she
Sat slack-jawed
Staring into their laps

Not realizing
The waiter's plan;
Lure them into a trap!
(He ran a human meat stall
In a room around the back)

Yeah the waiter has a long arm, so what? hey that picture looks like our home, excuse me broken home, you filthy whore.

"I must confess, I did have something of an ulterior motive in asking you out in a date tonight. You see, I'm affiliated with a company called Amway. Have you heard of us? Good, good!"

"I see how you're trying to be polite and not look at it. Go ahead and look, though. It don't bother me. Inside my head I don't call it the arm - I call it the Asset."

"Gee, I get so nervous first dates, Finlandia, you know. I mean, what do you talk about ? ..Yeah, so, O.K., I guess I'm not one these so called sophisticates...."

"Fundamental laws of engineering stress will snap his arm like a brittle twig if we send back the 9 oz strip stake and get the twelve pound haunch. So, you wanna?"

"His mother was Belgian, his father was part giraffe, and you're SUPPOSED to be liberal."

"With the 4" inseam, he's a laff riot."

"With the arc he can achieve, he will give a certain spiteful someone a saucy spanking over the appertife!"

"Look, bitch, I had to slip the maître de a buck to get this table."

Amazing, no? The left sautees the portobellos while the one foot wipes dry the dishes, and the busboy is rogered con brio!"

"Your depth perception has gone from bad to whimsical."

"....anyway, I'm glad we could finally get together. With the Tourette syndrome, dating is hard, as you can imagine, NICE TITS!, and to sit in a cozy corner table with a girl like you, I'D LIKE TO FUCK YOU IN THE EYES!, is just the perfect way to spend an evening. Wow, I just noticed the pattern on the carpet, it reminds me of those adhesive rubber things my parents put in our bathtub so we wouldn't slip, MY COCK IS THE FOURTH LEG OF THIS TABLE!, do you remember those? I can't wait for the appetizers. Oh, I love this song, "I've got you, under my skin," I JUST SHAT MYSELF!, "I've got you, deep in the heart of me." What are you looking at?

"Gibbons serve, orangatangs cook, chimps wash, and Republicans pretend to love Christ while exploiting those lower on the food chain; you can't change nature."

"He's actually delivering from the resturant on the next block. Neat!"

"[Insert inane reference to the election results here]"

how about:

"It's the landslide pudding. I wouldn't know, because the only winners I've ever voted for were Bill Clinton and the guy, whose name I forget, who ran against David Duke for Senate in Louisiana in 1990. But I hear it's delicious."

So...is this your first time at Manute Bol's House Of Slaws 'N' Chintz?

"If it's thirty minutes late, the meal is on the house and the waiter spends twelve days and twelve nights on the Catherine Wheel."

"See those heretofor unexplained food splats on the floor? Well, watch THIS!"

"Thanks ! Lucky thing ! Some times The Good Lord will come back with 'macrophallicness'. It all evens out. ....So I guess we're an item, hunh ?!"

"Well SURE it would be infeasable if this were a gag where Euclidian laws held true Just for that, we're going dutch."

"Pommes de terre outre, ma chere?"

"It's the only IHOP in Grover's Corners."

--Florida : McCain 4,137,842 Obama 4,137,841-- [Inane Election Result Reference]

So now you've been caught erasing the bottom third of the painting, you're just going to give ol' monkey arms here the deer-in-the-headlights look?


"The waiters in this restaurant have unusually long arms."

"Yes, it is a horrible deformity, but that's what allows him to cook and serve at the same time."

"Because of the prosthesis, the chef's penis never actually touches the food."

" Since the crisis I can still afford to eat endangered sea life and pay for sex, but I don't care what a waiter does, he's not getting more than 10%."

The caption above was mine-oops.

"This is what I love about Chef Obama. He can arms-distance himself from the gay community, yet still give us exactly what we want."

"Oh great, another plate of crap. I guess I'm not coprophagous after all."

"Obama's grandmother just died on the eve of the election. I won't say something crass such as 'what awkward timing' as it must be a very sad event for the candidate and his family."

Hooonney, your halo is blocking the painting agaaaiiinn.

"No, not that. The doilies on the floor."

I know it's a little off-putting that the mutant waiters serve us while standing in the kitchen, but if we had to look at their facial growths we probably wouldn't be able to stomach the meal at all.

"Good thing there are no black people here to see this."

"Wow. Long arm, dude."

"I bet an oversized animal would have been funnier. It always is."

"I've got to plead ignorance here. I thought you bulimics at least went to the restroom to purge."

"I predict that after this course your self-control will be so good you'll never want to go back to a colostomy bag."

"Keep ordering, darling; you're bound to find something that agrees with you."

"That's his penis."

It's a scale-model of the ship used to deliver production material to the Nazi war effort via Sweden, one of the many owned by that unscrupulous war-profiteer Daddy Warbucks. You remember, don't you, Annie? The guy who deflowered you. That must be your flower right there. Mine is over there, stomped flat by Daddy fat, naked foot. Don't ask me where he got it or how, but the long malformed arm symbolizes our inability to escape and thus change who we are, the tortured husks of Daddy's sick whims.

"Please don't be all-armed, my dear."

"Relax! You can finish the painting after we eat."

"You have nothing to fear but fear itself. And him."

"He's a bit shy! He doesn't want to see the salad dressing."

"It's the Sarah Palin special: baked Alaska and borscht."

"I see this cartoon was drawn by Cheney. The old Veep always did have a sense of humor."

-- 'Sore Loser' in its negotiations with 'The World Brotherhood League' for a greater presence of African-American characters in its cartoons, The New Yorker continued with the most infantile of resorts to satisfy the new quota in the barest minimum.--

"No, I never really got a hundred percent, straight-on view of the road sign...but I'm pretty sure it said SIMI Valley. Why ?"

"Thanks, honey ! That Orphan Annie 'eye-shadow' effect of yours will keep people from staring and even making rude personal remarks about my Congenital Microcephaly. The disposition of people to hold others, especially females, to a narrow physical norm is so shallow, don't you feel ?"

"That one-eyed trouser snake has two eyes!"

"They say he needs an arm that long just to hold his dick."

"I come here for the hand jobs, but the blow jobs are also very good."

"Gee, Betty, nice to see you again after, what, fifteen years ? Sad about Old Weatherbee. Nursing home...yeah ! 'Cookie crumbles' kinda thing. ..Hey, gosh, anything from Veronica ?.. Now there was 'ripe tomatoes' -ha!ha! Ate my heart out ! ..Gosh ! .. ..'Jughead', hear he opened a place ! Go figure...good old Jughead ! ...Well, we all grow up. ..Hey, you, any action from Biff ? ...................Gee, great to see you again, Betty ! Wearing the years well. ..Yeah, me,I keep in shape. ...Hey,now, 'Juggy' ? Who knew ?!"

"I told you they served lesbian couples here - as long as one of them dresses like a man."

"Eat. Poop. Eat. Poop. Eat. Poop. I'm gettin' bored. Whadd'ya say we skip dinner?"

"We chinless must stick together in this chinful world."

"The waiter is a black man, thus the extraordinary means The New Yorker takes to keep his face out of this cartoon."

"As my new agent, I'd like to offer you a sampling of our current menu. I think it's all the proof you'll need that my new book, 'Medieval Torture Devices for the Modern Workplace' will get the results managers crave. Hey, maybe we should add some recipes."

"Notice everythin', yeah ! Always have ! Don't ask why ! ..But, now, you take 'fats and them' cross there, think they seen my fingers edge the table heah..just the tips ! Hell, no ! Whatcha think ?! But, nah, 'blind' 'll get you dead. 'raq, deep woods, tusk'd boar come crashin' out ..So yeah, I cult'vate sight...vision mebbe more even than earing. ....Say, I SEEN YOU some'eres."

"What I say is, this day, November 4, 2008, is a day that will truly separate 'the men from the boys'. Just leave it at that, except if anyone's maybe taking more than a quick lunch break..like us here, they're nothing but some dern no-account helots, or ought to be ! Writing their damn long-winded novels and such ! Poetry ! ...Frigin' jokes ! ...I mean, what, we just today rung at maybe a hundred doors, 'Nan'?"

That waiter has a long arm. I bet his penis is quite long too...don't you imagine so dear? Oh wait, that is his penis! Honey, look. Our waiter is balancing a plate of food on his penis...a sleeved penis. Perhaps it is just an arm. I've never heard of a penis sleeve...well I guess a condom is like sleeve. Nevermind, I'm just thinking out loud. Would you like to say grace?

Psyche! Zinger!

"...you see, his Siamese Twin is working the grill!"

"Penis on a platter? I thought you said platter on a penis."

I heard the owner is a Republican. Do you think they'll serve us Obama maniacs?

"I call this one 'Mumm... ..er, 'Yummies', or alternatively, 'Zombies'...or just simply, 'Addiction'[Clears his throat]: 'It is the flan, it is the flan endures. Rar'st cuisine goody ! - yearned as always new ! Moist of 'Myron's' reminded me of yours ! - What later splurge from this deep 'diction cures ?! What one wine more 'd some new dessert allow ?! It is the flan, it is the flan endures !' .........So what do you think ?"

"I just love these anima. ..uh, anomalous places, don't you ?"

I've longed for something with long grained rice for a long, long time. Anyway, a horse walks into a bistro. The waiter asks, "Why the long face?" Oh, shit.

"I just hope it doesn't pet us so much this time. I mean it must be hard for it to find ways to interact with others, but that can't be the best one."

"I was gonna go with NONE DARE CALL IT TREASON until I learned Stormer had already used that title."

"Haha. Turns out 'To Serve Man' was indeed a cookbook, but a cookbook full of savory dishes for man to eat, not a cookbook using man as an ingredient as some hysterical anti-alien bigots would have us believe."

"The waiters here at the Fox News Cafe are still adjusting to the new menu. They're used to serving only bull shit."

"So he named this place the Ladderless Bistro because he started it with the money he'd made painting houses."

I hate sitting next to the restroom.

"Nuh uh ! That isn't 'snow on the roof'. It's bare canvas showing through."

"It's the latest thing in 'dining experience': bare-hands eating. Same deal my last meal out. (Yeah, Sept 29 !)."

"Actually, many of the birth defects we see coming out of Iraq can be turned to fantastic advantage."

Got here late, searched for "slaw" -- too late. You win this time, Dave.

"First course here is obscene."

"Obscene is hard to define but I know it when I see it, and the motion........involved in this case is not that."

"Nuh uh ! ONE percent's 'chump tip', TWO percent's 'chimp tip' !!"

"That would be Sam L. serving up yet another one of his lame captions. Nineteen so far this week---and it's only Thursday!"

It's called the Elephant Diet, and I learned about it when I was living on the ashram. I just take Gita with me wherever I go, and she waits until I'm distracted by your low-cut dress, or a painting of a floating house, and removes all the carbs from the table. I've lost over 50 pounds so far!

"A half dozen 'tramp l'oeuf ' ! Ha! Ha! Gosh, that's funny, Jeanne, considering they do kinda resemble 'trampled eggs'...except the scalloped edges, of course. 'Cordon Bleu' place, sure ! ..There's so many benefits to taking that 'year abroad', it seems. ...Huh ! Scalloped egg-edges ?!"

-- All the 'Anonymous Captions' are probably yours, 'whoever'. --

"They also serve, who only stand to wait...something like that."

"I've known 'paddies', 'paddies' are a blend of mine ! Believe me, there're no 'paddies' !"

--This 'squabble' between 'Sam L.' and 'Anonymous', come on, if there're not but 60-70 entrants in the whole country, what's the difference ?. It is a shame there're not more wits, lame or otherwise, taking part. Sometimes with 'Sam L.' you can at least learn a French word or two. What's wrong with that ?--

When he gives a reach-around, he reaches ALL the way around!

"No,the artist didn't sign it ! Let me ask you, would you take that 'slop' home ? Hell, I don't even want to be here because that 'botcher' is part owner--did decor ! Handles kitchen, whatever ! ..Wimp to get drawn here, woman !"

"Last time we were here I had the rosemary chicken."

"Well, I had the rosemary chicken. You had the special with the peppers."

"I don't even like peppers, why would I order the special?"

"You said it sounded good, but then you didn't like it, and that's why you kept eating my rosemary chicken."

"GOOD LORD, we're being served by a gibbon."

Did you notice your waiter's arms? What's up with that!

He got his food service training at the Wendy's drive-through.

Remember when you said you couldn't decide between a nice meal out or going to the freak tent at the circus? Well, I've got a surprise for you...I'm fucking your sister.

--I call the "'The chores' here is unseen " by 'Sam L.' pretty damn good: plays on 'The Horus here is unseen' of several weeks back which was terrifically witty. More than one person thought it should have won. Laconic wit at its best !--

TImes are hard, even for X-Men.

Yes I appreciate the fact that our waiter is half-caste, just like our new President-elect. But that doesn't alleviate my discomfort over having even a partially black person being here to see this!

"Oh, bullshit. Stop changing the subject. You promised me that one day you'd let me cum on your face and you lied."

So it seems that our waiter was born to a single mom who gave him up for adoption, whereupon he was reared by a well-to-do family in Omaha. As a child, he showed a keen interest in sports and electronics. He was valedictorian of his high-school class and was awarded a full scholarship to MIT, where he was Editor-in-Chief of The Tech and graduated summa cum laude with a degree in engineering. He earned his PhD from Princeton and went on to become head of design technology for NASA. He married a former Miss Universe, fathered three adorable children, and owns estates in Martha's Vineyard, West Palm Beach, and Nassau. A cantankerous-but-lovable type, with a razor-sharp dry wit, he eventually tired of his high-pressure life and settled down to a quiet and humble existence as a waiter. Whassat? His arm? How the fuck should I know? What am I, a fucking expert on our fucking waiter?

"Grow a heart, Felicity ! The guy came out of Mother Teresa's with highest marks! - 'Tough! A Survivor!' "

" 'The uniform 'e wore Was nothin' much before, An' rather less than 'arf o' that be'ind, For a twisty piece o' rag An' a goatskin water-bag Was all the [wait]-equipment 'e could find'."

"I ordered banana splits, is that O.K., Mrs. Robinson ?"

Due to his height and extremely long limbs, Manute Bol was one of the NBA's most imposing players, blocking shots at an unprecedented rate. Now, ironically enough, he's a short order cook."

"Fine --but it is less 'drag on the parquet' !"

" ' The Mo' men' hate these types."

"Fools dish up where 'Muggles' fears to tread."

"It's Ann Coulter's place. They're serving Sarah Palin's brains on a platter."

"Is knife so rare, or placement 'sleeved' as to banish as the price of gain at savories ?! I know not what courses others may strike, but as for me give me knife, or spare me whiff !"

"It's ironic that his arm is so long, see, because we have no legs!"

"Another ethnic restaurant, another illegal alien."

"I can't believe that asshole successfully sued Mister Fantastic for $40 million. What do you think he's doing now?"

"Take therefore no thought for our order: for our order shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto our lay is the evil thereof !"

I hear a recent immigration raid left them short-handed

"Oh good, here comes our dinner."

"I hear that the waiter has a white mother and a black father from one of those tribes in Kenya where they stretch things."

"Did you notice our waiter had unusually long arms?"

"And this is just the start of our Fantastic Four-Course Meal!"

Now that Barack has won, all things are possible!

"I'd rather have somebody like him as president than a nig- well, you know what I mean."

"I happen to like eating in Siberia."

"Don't get any ideas: arms are no indication of penis size."

"They know me here."

"I'm going to get up to use the restroom, thereby scattering our appetizers hither and yon in the process."

"I wanted the night I proposed to really be something special. But since tonight's not gonna be that night, I figured Circus Freak Bistro would do."

"But, I'll bet he can't masturbate in a telephone booth."

"Do you have a problem eatin' handouts? 'Cause if you think that's shockin', try Alex Gregory's Japanese restaurant, where the sushi chef is a squid, and see how that grabs ya!"

"Please, try not to stare."

"Good thing his arms are so long. His head is too large to fit through the doorway."

"And the next sound you will hear is that of a man's reach exceeding his grasp."

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to try an Armenian restaurant."

"OK, help me scoot this table over toward the door and under the platter. Then, after dinner, we'll finish their painting. Cooperation is the key here at Comrades in Arms."

"What is it about levitating that makes waiters so nervous?"

Please note that the new arrival calling him-/herself JD is not me. I am having and will continue to have my periods.

I vote Mork, November 6 10:09pm.

"When they post the new cartoon, I'm going to make a silly 'hat in the Kat" joke."

"Don't look know, but there's a bandito with a briefcase at the maitre d' station."

"I should be home picking last week's New Yorker cartoon anti-caption contest winners. As most of the entries are completely uninformed by the delicious and subtly delineated rules I carefully composed long ago, what started as a lark has become an onerous chore, sapping my strength, my hope and my will to live."

"Well you know what they say about guys with long arms?" *Silence, turns and then muffled to self "Stupid! Stupid!"


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