The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #167
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
First place
"Wait...this isn't the Bowling Green Hilton...guys, where am I?"
"We must continue with the speech senator."
"What's going on? I feel strange..why are we here?"
"We must continue with the speech senator."
"Everything looks so different..where are the people...why aren't they clapping??"
"Nothing is wrong. The speech requires that you go on senator. We must continue with the speech."simsburybear
Second place
"Hello, I've been assigned by the Interior Department to rid this forest of chimeras. That's right beagle-lope, pack your bags." bad dad
Third place
"Not to go on all-fours; that is the Law. Are we not Men? Not to hump trees; that is the Law. I'm talking to YOU, Dog-with-antlers..." firebus
Honorable mention
"I'm not going to `spread the wealth' around the forest. That's not fair to my friend Joe the Hybrid Deer / Dog Fuckedlegs here." Damon
"I am officially withdrawing from the race for Mayor of the Enchanted Forest because I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer." Urgh
"Kill them all except that one. Shave him and send him to my room." J.D.
Comments
"I told you that Disney donation would come back to haunt us."
Posted by: Donny | October 27, 2008 9:49 AM
"She isn't your friend, my friends. She wants to shoot you all from a helicopter."
(whispers)"I'm not sure, but I think we're in The Far Side."
Posted by: Deborah | October 27, 2008 9:57 AM
Hello, I'm John McCain. I'm from Arizona and I'm here to take your water...
Posted by: simsburybear | October 27, 2008 10:00 AM
"I understand that the owls here are obscene."
Posted by: Tim H | October 27, 2008 10:01 AM
"No, that 'TIMBER!' you just heard isn't my campaign falling down."
Posted by: Kathy H | October 27, 2008 10:04 AM
Hello, I've been assigned by the Interior Department to rid this forest of chimeras. That's right beagle-lope, pack your bags.
Posted by: bad dad | October 27, 2008 10:05 AM
Wait...this isn't the Bowling Green Hilton...guys, where am I?
We must continue with the speech senator.
What's going on? I feel strange..why are we here?
We must continue with the speech senator.
Everything looks so different..where are the people...why aren't they clapping??
Nothing is wrong. The speech requires that you go on senator. We must continue with the speech.
Posted by: simsburybear | October 27, 2008 10:08 AM
"...and did I tell you, my friends, that I was a close personal chum with FOREST Tucker?...um...[sweat]...er, and I still keep in touch with FOREST Whitaker...er...Yeah, and that Marietta TREE was some gal, back in the day...[hoo-boy]...."
Posted by: Kathy H | October 27, 2008 10:17 AM
"And if you elect me as your leader, I promise to rid the forrest of radioactive spiders, so that you will no longer have to fear being bitten by them and turned into strange creatures that can walk up the sides of trees."
Posted by: Richard | October 27, 2008 10:47 AM
"You know, I don't care if you ARE cute little woodland creatures, it's just rude to take a piss behind a tree when someone is giving a speech."
Posted by: Galoux | October 27, 2008 10:52 AM
"I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here today. Well, my friends, it's a little thing called a canned hunt."
Posted by: Vance | October 27, 2008 11:07 AM
I'll give a shit what you think when you grow opposable thumbs and can vote. Until then, I will assume that you want this forest to become high-rise condominiums.
Posted by: Charles | October 27, 2008 11:23 AM
"Not to go on all-fours; that is the Law. Are we not Men? Not to hump trees; that is the Law. I'm talking to YOU, Dog-with-antlers..."
Posted by: firebus | October 27, 2008 11:31 AM
"I'm not going to `spread the wealth' around the forest. That's not fair to my friend Joe the Hybrid Deer / Dog Fuckedlegs here."
Posted by: Damon | October 27, 2008 11:32 AM
"And here in Lota..er, Got'em, Goddam ..ah, shit, guys, where the hell you got me now ?!
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 11:33 AM
That's right--GAY animals. I'm not naming names, but why don't you go ask Cornflake the squirrel about her missing ovaries? De-evolution or lifestyle choice, hmmn?
Posted by: LK | October 27, 2008 11:47 AM
"Fellow citizens, friends, my friends, you may recall that at the time I announced my candidacy, I said I would go any place, do anything, campaign anywhere....A.C.O.R.N asked."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 11:54 AM
Macaca! I know you're out there somewhere!
Posted by: Andrew L | October 27, 2008 11:57 AM
"And in conclusion --this may be a bit off the subject, I realize --my 'environment man' wanted me to ask around out here and see whether a tree falling in the wilderness makes some sound ? ........Anyone ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 12:18 PM
"And no, I do not wear 'green eye-shades'! Hey, look, friend ! There's more to running country than charisma, eloquence, you little 'jerky' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 12:39 PM
"Give me your support, and I'll see to it that you are never blitzkrieged by that high-heeled helicopter huntress again."
Posted by: gary | October 27, 2008 12:50 PM
"And so in conclusion, my friends, I re-affirm my commitment to 'the total orange ban', should you vote me in ! ...Yes, yes , I realize this pledge of mine to you may 'ruffle a few feathers' over at the N.R.A....."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 1:19 PM
"I'm here to talk about my friend, Joe the Moose."
Posted by: Deborah | October 27, 2008 1:28 PM
"Damn it, those animals ate all my constituents."
Posted by: DanMc | October 27, 2008 1:34 PM
"I'm Ralph Nader, and I'm running for president again."
Posted by: dwilk | October 27, 2008 1:39 PM
"Hey, you over there ! I'm running on a 'family values' platform here, so quit humping or rutting that tree --or whatever the hell that is ! ..I mean, show a bit more decorum, alright? Next thing, we'll be yelling, 'Hang him' , and like that !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 1:39 PM
Nothing unusual? How about the dog in the tree? When is the last time you saw a dog climb around in a fucking tree? Damnit! I am so going to get assassinated when we start campaigning to humans.
Posted by: Drew | October 27, 2008 1:45 PM
"My father was a proud Native American and my mother was a squirrel."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | October 27, 2008 1:46 PM
"We're from the government. We're here to help you."
Posted by: RC | October 27, 2008 1:50 PM
"Swine, nomads, bountymen.. er, bounty-folk, listen up !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 1:53 PM
"You're all just a bunch of fucking animals!"
Posted by: Ronnie the Fondler | October 27, 2008 1:58 PM
We all know that man is a political animal, and your votes are important to the Fallacy Party.
Posted by: Drew | October 27, 2008 2:04 PM
"In addition, my campaign is so totally 'pissed' over these sports-talk jocks referring to clueless callers as 'squirrels'. I mean, what's up with THAT ?! It is a thing which must stop ! That, my friends, is one 'change we need', a new direction for country ! .......Thank you for coming."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 2:13 PM
"If it was good enough for Grant, it's good enough for me....you little 'jerky' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 2:24 PM
- I knew Grant, Grant was a friend of mine ! Believe me, that's no Grant ! - (The Old Campaigner)
Posted by: Anonymous | October 27, 2008 2:43 PM
Hey, bird. How are you doing? Say hello to your mother for me.
Posted by: Charles | October 27, 2008 2:54 PM
Who's idea was the bunting? I feel like I'm being mocked. Even more than the fact that only a snake and a frog appear willing to admit that they are listening to me, the bunting is the biggest kick in the pants of this whole "commune with nature" idea.
Posted by: Charles | October 27, 2008 2:56 PM
"Nah, nah, I'll answer 'that un' , Judd ! ...So, yeah, it 's true our campaign was up that ol' 'verbial creek, yeah ; but heah in me, my friends, you've livin' ev'dence there more 'n one ways to git back down , yeah ! So thought you'd 'preciate 'lil' persever.... er, grit, heah in 'lasky. ....Thank you folk for visitin' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 3:13 PM
"In the final days of this campaign, I'm asking you to make one final donation of feces which the National Republican Congressional Committee has promised to match."
Posted by: Richard H | October 27, 2008 3:25 PM
"At this moment, we must decline to comment on The Bambi Incident, as the investigation is still underway. We will say, however, that our thoughts and prayers go out to their family."
Posted by: Joseph Payo | October 27, 2008 3:31 PM
I am officially withdrawing from the race for Mayor of the Enchanted Forest because I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
Posted by: Urgh | October 27, 2008 3:42 PM
Elect me and I will follow Ted Nugent to the Gates of Hell!
Posted by: Drew | October 27, 2008 3:42 PM
In keeping with my promise to keep my campaign metaphor-free, let me acknowledge that despite recent progress, we still have many dangerous problems left to resolve.
We've made a lot of progress, but we're not out of the w-- [large branch falls on their heads; animals then maul and consume helplessly trapped candidate and security guards].
Posted by: Walt | October 27, 2008 3:44 PM
The above post is two variations on a theme, or (I just noticed) can be read as a single caption. Three for the price of two.
Posted by: Walt | October 27, 2008 3:46 PM
"My friends..."
Posted by: Richard H | October 27, 2008 4:18 PM
"'To him who in the love of Nature holds Communion with her visible forms, She speaks A varied lan....' -- What th. ! ... Yeah, alright, O.K., I know there's some as has been flinging 'plagiarist' about; but here, look, that is SO totally tripping a line ! ...Why, almost up to ..uh, 'to a nightingale' !" (pander ! pander !)
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 4:19 PM
"Psst ! He's 'gone' as a mummy !" [Fox in far rear-guard]
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 4:42 PM
I appreciate you all coming and allowing me to bask in continued popularity. The G.W. Bush presidential library is now open.
Posted by: pessimist | October 27, 2008 4:50 PM
Ich bin ein Schwartzwalder!
Posted by: pessimist | October 27, 2008 4:53 PM
"Whitman 'thought', I 'did' ! ..Man of action here ! Alright ,O.K., I realize not all of you may know Whitman..."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 5:05 PM
So then she says "If you had two inches more dick, you'd have new pussy right here!".
Posted by: Weller | October 27, 2008 5:14 PM
"Bah, Wilderness !"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 27, 2008 5:17 PM
"And so I say again to you, my friends: 'In wilderness is the preservation of the world' ! ..Quaint enough notion in these times, to be sure."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 5:25 PM
"Ask not what your pine tree can do for you. As what you can do for your pine tree."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 27, 2008 5:39 PM
(Dang typo. "Ask.")
Posted by: mypalmike | October 27, 2008 5:41 PM
"My friends, I present to you my vice presidential running mate, Little Red Riding Hood."
Posted by: Dave | October 27, 2008 5:52 PM
"My friends, I present to you my vice presidential running mate, Little Red Riding Hood."
Posted by: Dave | October 27, 2008 5:53 PM
"Good evening! I'm Ralph Nader, and I'm running for president, as well as going for the world's record for the number of speeches given in one day, and the world's longest extension cord."
Posted by: Dave | October 27, 2008 5:56 PM
"Hello, my fellow Alaskans, I'm Senator Ted Stevens and I'm hoping to God you haven't seen the news lately."
Posted by: Dave | October 27, 2008 6:00 PM
"Would you quit humping that tree? I'm trying to give a speech here."
Posted by: Rubrick | October 27, 2008 6:05 PM
If a candidate gives a speech in the forest and there's no one around to hear it, does it have an impact on the election? We may never know, on account of the Secret Service guys, the anthropomorphic wildlife, and the press corps out of frame to the left.
Posted by: Rubrick | October 27, 2008 6:08 PM
"Vote for me, my friends! I'm a maverick! I will BUCK the system and face down the WOLVES AT THE DOOR and turn around the BEAR MARKET and -- What the hell is that dog doing up on that tree trunk? Er, my friends..."
Posted by: Dave | October 27, 2008 6:09 PM
"Sir,I knew Tom Bombadil. Tom Bombadil was a friend of mine. You sir, are no Tom Bombadil."
Posted by: mort drucker | October 27, 2008 6:14 PM
"Do you have any grasp of Town Hall etiquette at all?"
Posted by: mort drucker | October 27, 2008 6:16 PM
"And now just a tiny bit...well, actually, two-thirds it, from your all-time favorite 'scary horror story', folk. O.K.(clears his throat): 'I placed a jar in Tennessee, And round it was, upon a hill. It made the slovenly wilderness Surround that hill. The wilderness rose up to it, And sprawled around, no longer wild. The jar was round upon the ground, And tall and of a port in air.' .... No, no, that's enough, now ! You'd be having nightmares ! ..Anyhow, thank you for coming, and ,hey, good luck !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 27, 2008 6:18 PM
"I'm here today to stump for my candidacy. I'm going to stump in every neck of the woods to spread my message. In other words, I want to turn this forest into a bunch of stumps."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 27, 2008 6:24 PM
"Beat it you tree hugging jerk."
Posted by: mort drucker | October 27, 2008 6:26 PM
"No, no, no. I will not have that! We're running a civil campaign here! My opponent may be a skunk but he is no Arab. (Oh fuck! What happened? Did I just lose the Arab AND skunk vote?")
Posted by: Mort drucker | October 27, 2008 6:33 PM
"No, we're here to protect the Thongbird. Now who knows where and when it's likely to show that sweet little ass?"
Posted by: LV | October 27, 2008 6:43 PM
"Psst ! The hubris here WAS pristine." [Fox, or whatever, to right rear]
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 27, 2008 7:33 PM
"I'm debating you. Go to your podium, bitch!"
Posted by: njtotx | October 27, 2008 7:43 PM
"I'm afraid Caribou Barbie will not be participating in tonight's debate"
Posted by: Glenn W | October 27, 2008 7:47 PM
"Please keep the questions short this last round. ..O.K, from the 'dwarf elk': Did I ever see a 'purple cow' ? Great question...fit the parameter, anyway. ..But 'no', the answer is 'no' ....Any others ? ..No ? ....Well, good-bye, then."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 27, 2008 7:58 PM
Vote for me and I promise to make Yogi my running mate. He is, after all, smarter than the average bear.
Posted by: Johnboy | October 27, 2008 8:00 PM
"The Bush Administration is pleased to announce that as part of our Clean Forests initiative we will be bulldozing this entire area."
Posted by: Richard H | October 27, 2008 8:53 PM
"And remember, my friends, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. That and perhaps the occasional shotgun."
Posted by: Dave | October 27, 2008 8:55 PM
"Given the recent reduction in Governor Palin's clothing budget, we're looking for volunteers who would like to join the campaign as either a hat, a stole or some decorative trim."
Posted by: Richard H | October 27, 2008 8:55 PM
"I did not have sex with that squirrel."
Posted by: Richard H | October 27, 2008 8:57 PM
"No, no, Froggie's warm there ! The job of all this folderol has been, in part (I stress, 'in part'), 'to RECREATE unreal frogs for un-realer wardens' --if that is even possible ! ..So no more petty quibbles, O.K. ? ...Comes courtesy 'Dis & Games' again, 'people' ! ..Enjoy !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 27, 2008 9:00 PM
"Attention everyone, especially you squirrels: we're from ACORN and if you want real change and better nesting conditions, we'll register you."
Posted by: LV | October 27, 2008 9:01 PM
"...and that's how clear-cutting (or a nice controlled burn) allows everyone to find a new, better home in a less crowded forest. All opposed say, 'Nih' and bring me a shrubbery!"
Posted by: LV | October 27, 2008 9:23 PM
"No, we haven't see a bear shit in the woods. We did, however, see the Pope shit in the woods."
Posted by: John Paul | October 27, 2008 9:36 PM
"Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech Ha-Olam, asher chonein l'adam da'at l'havin v'livchor."
Posted by: Shlomo | October 27, 2008 9:55 PM
"Watch out or I'll have my guys kick your asp."
Posted by: Gergen | October 27, 2008 9:57 PM
"One very important question on a lot of minds as I travel, flocks, is to the existence, or extinction (sadly), of your Ivory Billed Woodpecker. ...Now..now I just want to say, look, that would be a real shame..an honest-to- goodness 'merican trag... ..Uh..er, wait, flocks, I'm maybe a bit mixed-up now. .. Huh ! This maybe no Ark.-La. Cypress-Tupelo Gum bottomland ?! ..Huh ! ..Dang ! No way ! ..You know, I gotta maybe talk to Axelrod now ! ..Had me in 'Looz'ana', people ! Now..now that's kinda funny, flocks ! ..Huh ! ..See, we give McCain 'Looz'ana', now ! Yeah, give him 'that un' ! ..Dang !..Hey, look, folks, give me a break here ! FOX not exactly 'fair and balanced' now. ..You kidding ?!..Build this up !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 27, 2008 10:22 PM
Look, I've come to apologize. I did not realize that it was ONLY bears who can shit in the woods. It won't happen again.
Posted by: JR | October 27, 2008 10:40 PM
"Polit'cally savvy bunch of folk here, I gather ! Yeah, that dern drunk opponent of mine ! Yeah, get this ! Ran into that young whip'snapper down Houston recent --fancy restaurant, putting on something 'Parisian', don't you know ! Look, not but one obvious dowager the whole place ! Now, me and 'that un' pandering the whole ev'ning to that one dern dowager ! Her own 'lil' problem, see ! Imagine ! Turn my stomach, recalling ! Yeah, that there Sept. 29 ev'ning ! Never forgit 'that un' ! Me ! 'Ole Hick'ry' ! ........Yes, you ! A question ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 12:15 AM
"... and based on the nature of Ms. Riding-Hood's injuries, we believe she was attacked by an Obama supporter."
Posted by: al in la | October 28, 2008 1:06 AM
And I promise to focus ONLY the issues important to woodland creatures- putting a stop to invasive species, protecting your right to bare claws, and, of course, banning gay marriage.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 28, 2008 1:24 AM
"I did not have sex with that raccoon...!"
Posted by: Johnboy | October 28, 2008 1:33 AM
"So anyway, the judge says to Baby Bear, "Do you want to live with your papa?"
"No," says Baby Bear, "he beats me!"
"How about your Mama?", asked the judge.
"No, she beats me too," came the reply.
"Then who do you want to live with?"
"The Chicago Bears," said the youngster. "They don't beat anybody!"
Hello, is this thing on? What is this, an audience or a petrified forest?
Posted by: Johnboy | October 28, 2008 1:41 AM
"My friends, we've all heard what people say about animals. They say animals don't worry. They say they don't need money. They think they know what's best. They're making a fool of us. They ought to be more careful. They're setting a bad example. Well, my friends, I'm here today to tell you, you can't just believe what all the talking heads tell you."
Posted by: Vance | October 28, 2008 2:14 AM
"You neither? Well is anyone here eligible to vote?"
"And I still say, the government that governs best is the government that governs least. They can call me a do-little governor, ... [chuckle] ... get it, a Dolittle governor? Oh man, if I wasn't speaking into two corndogs on a cardboard box, that would be all over tonight's news."
Posted by: Vince | October 28, 2008 3:01 AM
Do not imagine, comrades, that leadership is a pleasure. On the contrary, it is a deep and heavy responsibility. No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?
Posted by: Alan Weld | October 28, 2008 5:56 AM
"Hey, dogelope, I fucked your wife!"
"I love coming here to the real magic forest, the most patriotic, Baal-worshipping, hard-working part of Never-Never Land. Go Devil Rays!"
"I smell Ewok. Steve, get the hibachi."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 28, 2008 7:04 AM
“If a campaign falls flat in the middle of the forest does it make a sound?"
Posted by: dwilk | October 28, 2008 7:09 AM
"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 28, 2008 9:12 AM
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to REAL Real America, bitches."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 28, 2008 9:13 AM
Dang, it smells like 10 different species of shit in here...damn it! Johnson, pretend the snake is assassinating me. Rogers, I'll meet you at the campaign van for a change of pants. Guess I'll have to borrow yours again. Oh crap, is this thing on? Fuck it, let's get out of here. I hate 31st century politics.
Posted by: Torrance Doucheton | October 28, 2008 9:45 AM
Psst...Johnson! Wake up, dammit! You're making me look bad in front of the assembled forest animals. Rogers, spread some more birdseed over there.
Posted by: Torrance Doucheton | October 28, 2008 9:51 AM
"Uuuuu , a 'procyanid'?! Wha., wh.., wha., what 'procyanid' ? Whe.., where ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 12:27 PM
(1) [possibly more of a real caption than an anti-caption]
"Yes, I know you have nothing to eat and you're losing your forest dwellings. But listen, we're going to give seven hundred billion dollars to the lions and tigers, and it'll make everything better, OK?"
(2) "What? You want to impeach me? Have you no compassion at all? WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF ANIMALS?"
(3) "I'm just like you, a regular Joe. I, too, humped my own mother and then ate the offspring."
Posted by: Jacob C | October 28, 2008 1:16 PM
"Well, there one last 'lil' thing I ain't brought in. Seems been goats missing down by my opponent. Since Oct.6, 2008, this was. Now look, O.K., she likely 'wears[ or did wear] combat boots', sorta upp'ty type. Yeah, actual maybe took down few of you folk off season, frigin' moose or two ! Bu. , bu. ,but look here, some you maybe bit overboard on 'that un' ! ..Huh !.. But, hey, look, don't be get me wrong, don't be thinking I'm blaming ever'body, 'cause I ain't, I not. ..No way, no how, as my grammar sa. ..er, as my grandma say. ..O.K., look ! ...What th. , hey, you ov' there, 'dwarf reindeer', what the de'il you looking you stole somethin' ?! ..Maybe you got lil 'information'..."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 1:20 PM
"You have met the enemy. ..Oh, yeah !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 1:32 PM
"...For 'when I was a child, I thought as a child, I understood as a child (I went to Disneyland), I spoke as a child, but when I became a man, I put awa. ..uh, chil..uh, put away childish things.' ...Or meb.. uh, mebbe not so much ! Uh, Rudy, Rudy, look alive there ! Put me Axelrod on....A.S.A.P.,A.S.A.P., man !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 2:14 PM
'Sotto Voce' : "Ah, shit. Maybe 'philosopher-king' was the way to go."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 2:53 PM
"What the fu.. ! Hey, I heard that ! 'Pogo-ing the sticks', am I ?! O' all th. ! Do this look like some, like some dern 'kid venue', you , you dern identity-challenged...'whatever' ! ..Yeah, remind me McCain !...Nah,nah, 'people', don't be callin' him, or her, no 'jerky', incite vi'lence...."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 3:30 PM
"Little fucker's challenging me, folks ! Says I 'don't know my woodcraft'! I mean, now if there one thing.. ! Alright, buddy ! This here behind's 'Betula papyrifera'--that's 'Paper Birch' to you, bitch..and some you others ! ..Well, so now, where were we ? ..Yeah, right, O.K. ! The 'state of my campaign' now ! "
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 4:04 PM
-- What's with the New Yorker and this 25-word limit on captions,anyway ? I mean, 'brevity' may be the 'soul of wit' and all; it didn't say 'humor' ! Sure, O.K., you don't want a book (like some its fiction); but the place is your 'Sunday newspaper' for throw-away ad, and ''tached scription card' ! --No, I not 'mad as hell' ! -- [a self-educating countryman]
Posted by: Anonymous | October 28, 2008 5:54 PM
--Well, I think the answer is they have two or three readers to read what two-three million 'suckers' send them. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it !--
Posted by: Anonymous | October 28, 2008 6:13 PM
"I am Generalissimo Todd Palin of the Alaska Liberation Front. You must support the Revolution or we send the helicopters after you!"
Posted by: Dave | October 28, 2008 7:48 PM
"You have nothing to fear but fear itself! And me."
Posted by: Dave | October 28, 2008 7:53 PM
"Pssst... remind me, are we in Red Pennsylvania or Blue Pennsylvania?"
Posted by: Dave | October 28, 2008 8:05 PM
Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride, Uh-huh,
Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride, Uh-huh,
Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride.
With a sword and a pistol by his side, Uh-huh.
Posted by: Dave | October 28, 2008 8:08 PM
"And if elected, my friends, I promise to support the NRA and every nutcase who wants to own a dozen assault rifles and leave them laying around for the kids to play with -- aw, SHIT, this is TOMORROW's speech!"
Posted by: Dave | October 28, 2008 8:12 PM
"Anyone...anyone? ...Yes ?! On the left ! 'Is that your Secretary Bird ?' ..Nah, nah ! Perfectly reasonable, folks ! Not a particularly worldly question, perhaps, but reas...... But no, to answer the question..now, now, folks !..no, this here's Robin Red-Breast -thank you for attending, sir - not the..huh! huh! - not the so called 'Secretary Bird': what dad used to call 'Sagittarius serpentarius', by the way ! ...Any others ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 28, 2008 9:26 PM
"As our campaign crisscrosses this great land of ours, I never feel more welcome than in the great state of NORTH VIRGINIA!!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 28, 2008 9:32 PM
"No, sir ! Ontogeny recapitulates PHYLOGENY !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 28, 2008 9:56 PM
"You species would not be endangered if you stopped fucking the trees and started fucking each other."
Posted by: J.D. | October 28, 2008 10:04 PM
Would someone, anyone, explain to me how in Sam's hell that weinter dog is climbing that damn tree!
Posted by: Deutsche | October 29, 2008 12:12 AM
"My friends, my appearing here before you as though you were constituents of mine, whose interests I need to take into consideration and pander to, illustrates the absurdity of attempting to categorize animals as beings with legal rights, when there are such fundamental differences between our relationships with animals and those with each other; but at the same time it must be observed that you animals -- other than you, imaginary jackelope -- are indeed sentient beings with interests that deserve to be protected by a moral code at the very least and ham-fisted governmental excess at its worst. I'm sorry, did I say 'ham-fisted'? I apologize."
Posted by: Vance | October 29, 2008 1:12 AM
"Well yes it IS called the 'Clean Forest Act', but we're Republicans, so that means we're blacktopping it over."
Posted by: Cpt A Clown | October 29, 2008 1:50 AM
"And if you elect me I promise, No more circle of life!"
Posted by: Cpt A Clown | October 29, 2008 1:53 AM
"And with your help, in the next five days, I should be able to find my way back to the main road."
Posted by: dwilk | October 29, 2008 2:00 AM
"Let the word go out to friend and doe alike..."
Posted by: al in la | October 29, 2008 2:19 AM
"I'm Saint Francic of Asissi and I approve this message."
"Let's just say that he isn't the first young black man I've seen who wanted change. I worked near Harlem.. and they ALL wanted my change!... but seriously folks."
"And I speak for 'Joe the Ranger' when I say..."
"Forest? I don't see the forest... cause of all these trees!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 29, 2008 5:48 AM
"I'm Ralph Nader. You may recall me.....wait, let me reword that."
Posted by: dwilk | October 29, 2008 7:35 AM
"Bull Moose Party, my ass."
Posted by: mdoyle | October 29, 2008 8:36 AM
"And so, we begin hunting in five minutes...oh, crap, is this microphone on?"
Posted by: mdoyle | October 29, 2008 8:39 AM
Holy shit! I think that bear is fucking a tree. Wait I think all the animals are fucking trees. What kind of forest is this?
Posted by: Ben | October 29, 2008 11:00 AM
Who am I? Why am I here?
Posted by: npm | October 29, 2008 11:10 AM
"'Ecce homo'! Wait.....where's FOX ?! They might 'unbalance' that !"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 29, 2008 1:25 PM
"I am not prepared to wait for your question until hell freezes over !"
Posted by: Von Go | October 29, 2008 1:40 PM
--Midway within the flurry of campaign, I found myself inside a lurid joke, For my strategist's guidance had been lost. Oh, what frighted wretch 'twas that day -Whereof the every draft renews the fear !! -- [The spontaneous overflow of a powerful (pol's) feeling...recalled in tranquility]
Posted by: Sam L. | October 29, 2008 2:51 PM
"I propose to fight it out with such lines if it takes all 'tober !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 29, 2008 3:17 PM
"If elected I will lower or raise taxes, make social security work somehow, and do other stuff that isn't necessarily bad for your overall situation. Thank you."
"I stand firmly against all bestiality laws. Soft, furry, hug-able forest creatures need love too, and I am just the candidate to see that you will all get fucked like you deserve it."
"The Green Party looks forward to your support at the polls in November. That is, if you are not hibernating."
Posted by: MAtt | October 29, 2008 4:14 PM
"Hey, dogelope, Russell Brand fucked your granddaughter."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 29, 2008 4:27 PM
"What are you people, chicken-shit?!"
Posted by: Mike F. | October 29, 2008 4:54 PM
"You. Behind the tree. Yeah, you. Are you voting for the nigger?"
Posted by: Whitey | October 29, 2008 7:08 PM
"Check this out, 'Verns' ! (Clears his throat): 'Hey, what kind of times are these, when A speech about trees is almost a crime Because it suggests 'clueless' about so many mamma.. er, animals ?! That fawn(?)there dully hoofing that tree Has perhaps 'taken leave', beyond the niche of its friends Who took heed ! -- You who will survive 'the dude' To whom we have gone under Remember, When you speak of his failings, the 'eminence grise' Whom you have escaped !! For you went, changing counties oft'ner than your does (or whatever), Before the 'scores' of his blasters--retreated, When there was slaughter only....' - [sotto voce]yeah, easy to speak to this bunch of animals, 'Verns' ! ...oh, yeah !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 29, 2008 8:49 PM
"People have got to know whether or not their president is a taxidermist. Well, I'm not a taxidermist, but I do mount animals."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | October 29, 2008 10:45 PM
-- Midway within the flurry of campaign I found myself inside a horrid copse For the consultant's guidance had been lost ! O, me ! what frighted wretch 'twas that day Therein that copse 'blazened, rough, and ferned -Whereof the every draft renews the fear ! -- [Not that th'improvement will 'save' me !]
Posted by: Sam L. | October 29, 2008 11:07 PM
...and in this clearing we have a frog, a snake, a bipedal deer, a bird, a house cat, a tree climbing weiner dog, a werewolf, an actual wolf, and a bear. There's also a podium with two microphones, on which hangs Captain America's shield. This concludes our tour. I'd like to thank the Professional Society of Blind & Hearing Impaired Businessmen for joining me this afternoon. Now, will one of you please sign my community service form? I need it for court.
Posted by: Peter K | October 29, 2008 11:47 PM
Don't worry! Cheney stayed in the limo.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 29, 2008 11:50 PM
And if elected...hell, I'm a Republican. I'm really here just to find an empty stump to live in.
Posted by: Steve_O | October 29, 2008 11:55 PM
"You know, when Senator Obama ended up his conversation with Joe the lemur -- we need to spread the acorns around. In other words, we're going to take Joe's acorns, give it to Senator Obama, and let him spread the acorns around.
I want Joe the lemur to spread those acorns around. You told him you wanted to spread the acorns around."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 30, 2008 1:12 AM
"and let me assure our valued animal friends that the transition from forest to shopping mall will a smooth one."
Posted by: al in la | October 30, 2008 2:13 AM
"Yeah..., well that's like asking how many pines could a porcupine pork if a porcupine could pork pines."
Posted by: dwilk | October 30, 2008 7:02 AM
Politician to bodyguards: "My campaign is a dog-gone stag-nating cat-astrophe. At this stage it's so un-bear-ably bad it wouldn't even be worthwhile to toad-y to Fox."
Politician to bodyguards, in a whisper: "Are any of them wearing top hats?"
Politician to animals: "My running mate will be arriving shortly, in a helicopter."
Politican to animals: "So, which patriot among you is ready for a tour of duty in Iraq?"
Politician to animals: "For eight years, this administration has proudly employed animals without opposable thumbs: reptiles, toads, and capitalist pigs. Our primate president has even employed representatives of the other kingdoms: plants and slime molds and bacteria. But, if the evolution elitists take over, you and I will no longer be represented in Washington! So I urge you to raise your voices, donate your money, cast your votes, and give us . . . Four More Years!"
Posted by: Thide | October 30, 2008 8:58 AM
"Frigin' DeLay, man ! I mean, he's fuckin' gerrymandered me into the goddamn 'Big Thicket' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 30, 2008 11:51 AM
"Think globally, act locally...very locally." [to himself]
Posted by: Anonymous | October 30, 2008 12:11 PM
"Remember me the vegan candidate? Well, now I'm running- running for Canada. These plastic shoes hurt, but you are so cute."
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 30, 2008 12:40 PM
"You otter know I'm not a moose-limb, and I'm against ill eagle immigration. But seriously, I invented the blackberry."
Posted by: Kosmicki | October 30, 2008 1:18 PM
"Whooooey ! Man 'live, I sure as hell trick'd that dumbass 'Lib'tarian' ! Listen, see, 'Thicket', now, it not big 'nuff fo' the two on us, 'Green' AND 'tarian'. So now, crafty 's me, I 'sartin' he jus' eying this place to hole in, just a-hankering after it, look. Now I eying in here once'd place to recruit , he come tripping along mo' eying this left here 'n to the right, 'most drooling ! What you think, Isis some dumbbunny, I sez this 'tarian', I sez "crim'ny, that in there look like crap, that in there all flagged-up orange ,yeah ! be 'rollers' jus' swarmin' 'bout in there, now boots, don't be gettin' itch'd, go on,leave outta here--and you welcome t'it, ''tarian' !" -- Whoooey, hey, that boy jus' dash off the 'fus' street right, like 'twas some scar't rabbit, see, right midst o' GREEN ACRES --all them latest 'burbs ! ..Well, now ain't that a story to beat all, flocks ?! Shoot, that 'tarian'! ... O' course, GREEN ACRES kinda hit 'lil' snag o' late."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 30, 2008 1:38 PM
McCain spends the remainder of his advertising budget to air a prime time infomercial on Wasilla Public Access Cable.
Posted by: mypalmike | October 30, 2008 1:49 PM
"And now I'd like to thank a few friends. To my far right, I'd like to thank my mentor and just an all-around great guy... Let's give it up for... Fozzy Bear!"
Posted by: mypalmike | October 30, 2008 1:54 PM
"Great question ! Well, you see, The mole elects its own variety, As though 'twere at war. Of its condign minority Inquire no more ! ...Any others ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 30, 2008 2:59 PM
"I would now like to discuss my position on the the second amendment."
Posted by: stcoleridge | October 30, 2008 3:02 PM
"And in conclusion, my friends of the forest, I'd like to end on a note of hope: DRILL, BABY, DRILL!"
Posted by: Dave | October 30, 2008 3:03 PM
"'anyone lived in a costly how town - with then so boring many wells down- may june 'tember 'vember- we sung our didn't we dunced our did !' ...Right ! Welcome NO NOTHING PARTY 'ventioneers ! So, any mebbe stray 'publicans' 'attendionce' ? ..'The same you need' 's our motto ! ...Yes, you, the 'whatever' ! Could you come forward ? ...Once'd again please, all join in !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 30, 2008 5:21 PM
"Order, order ! Watch out, frog."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 30, 2008 6:00 PM
"And last but not least, I promise that frog...uh, I promise the frog wings !"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 30, 2008 6:10 PM
"Duh, fellow ! Man takes lovin' where he can get it...pols, anyhow."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 30, 2008 6:21 PM
"Look at 'em, 'Jakes' ! 'Intellectual Disgrace' if there ever was ! I dunno, mebbe worth a shot, 'lil uplift couldn't hurt' kinda thing. ...So O.K.[clears his throat] Now listen up, folk ! 'I - a wit in a 'deer-stand': Plot Fifty-Second, 'cant'- Near livid, near to fit, As the 'cleaver' hopes endure Of a low, disastrous decade ! Wisps of anger - p'rhaps more -All graduate in the polite, Too mod'rate minds of our thicket-- Reproving too friv'lous lives ! A movable odor, at stealth, Offends the sylvan night ! - Accurate 'Psychiatry' might Describe the whole disgrace From 'Senior' until now, That has riddled our culture. -'Rad' ?! Hey, what happened at 'Ghraib' ?! What 'larger psychos' made Militant 'DeSade' ? Why, you --even yon deer(?) -- know, What most all 'sproutlings' learn : Those to whom evil is done, Do evil in return ! ' - [aside] Hang it, 'Jakes', they ain' getting it..better go with more 'cessible 'horror stories'. ...[aloud] Hey, look, folk, 'Jakes' gonna read some yo' real fav'rites now ! --I'm out !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 30, 2008 10:36 PM
"Not now deer, I'm busy."
Posted by: Swaption | October 31, 2008 1:43 AM
"Anybody who loves his cunt tree that much has a wood pecker."
Posted by: Swaption | October 31, 2008 2:05 AM
"I smell a rat. I mean, a Muslim."
Posted by: Jared | October 31, 2008 10:13 AM
"Thank you, frog. That's new- growth 'Yucca aloifolia'. An extremely hardy plant. ..Yes, to frog's right !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 31, 2008 11:51 AM
"Monmouth County Coroner's Inquiry as to tragic aftermath of Mr. Steve Fossett's higher elevation plane crash declared officially open ! We would appreciate all of your cooperation here--sharing whatever knowledge you might have about 'the disappearance'. Understand that no one here is suspected as having had a hand in the crash itself. I might say that some of you may be looked upon as 'parties of greater interest than others' as regards the unfortunate events successive to Mr. Fossett's very sad last flight of some fourteen months ago. ...Very well --and frog, I think you for one may be immediately dismissed..as entirely ignorant..."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | October 31, 2008 12:43 PM
"And to you ,deer --and to others of your kind, if any - I can at least promise to require 'dimmed headlights' throughout the forest area."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 31, 2008 2:22 PM
"In closing your local area's 'No Wild Left Behind' annual gathering, I should like to say how much I have appreciated what I think I may with justice term an nearly unprecedented 'intellectual curiosity' on your parts , a 'thirst for knowledge' beyond that of any other in my own experience, at least ! ..Special thanks go out to 'frog' and to 'deer' for their inquiries ! Keep it up, fellows --and with any luck we may all see each other here a year from now. ...Well, good-bye !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 31, 2008 3:11 PM
"I'm proud to be running in this historic race against the first major candidate who happens to be a black bear. But he's an elitist who eats arugula. And your children."
Posted by: Adam B | October 31, 2008 3:33 PM
Damn it, Gene! I told you that cologne of yours smells like tiger piss. Now these animals are scared shitless, and we've lost our audience. How is that going to look on TV? Did you ever consider that, Gene?!
Posted by: JR | October 31, 2008 4:37 PM
"Yet I say unto you , 'Be not afraid' , for inasmuch as Our Lord, Jesus Christ, hath enjoined us all: 'turn the other to him as well' - 'twas merely to that 'mote' within me I spoke when I did lately so heedlessly aver 'controlled burn' unto you. For, aye, 'tis a bitter thing ,indeed, to have been passed over year after successive year for Forest Service Press Secretary ! ..And why ?! Do I not enunciate ? ..Do I not prioritize ? ..Do I not know my trees ? ..But hold ! I say no more, in accordance with the injunction laid upon each of us in Matthew: 'Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer, for I believe God, that it shall be as it was told me'!"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 31, 2008 5:57 PM
"And last but not least, Father Gotham, we render unto YOU humble gratitude for the great gift of cognitive dissonance(CD) which YOU have allowed to come to pass within the minds of so many near and far, - gift that has oftentimes made more interesting and enjoyable, if not especially more moral, our small existences ! Amen !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 31, 2008 6:58 PM
"Either this is the Island of Dr. Moreau or I'm in a very poorly drawn cartoon."
Posted by: mort drucker | October 31, 2008 10:28 PM
"Odd that I should be announcing my candidacy in a radioactive forest with my twin uncles Vito and Tony and you, my animal friends."
Posted by: mort drucker | October 31, 2008 10:32 PM
"Yew's hoyd 'Deus ex machina' ? Isis 'Duce della macchina', 'whozzis' ! Git youst !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | November 1, 2008 12:50 AM
"Duce della macchina CINESE, 'wazzis' !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | November 1, 2008 1:50 AM
"'I have sworn upon the Altar of God eternal hostility against every...[these kinds of men]' ! ..What the hell ! Hey, someone's been screwing with my statement !"
Posted by: Sam L. | November 1, 2008 2:17 AM
--The outward and visible signs of an outward but 'virtual' lice--
Posted by: Anonymous | November 1, 2008 11:15 AM
"Psst ! Next stop 'Peaceable Kingdom' ! Kiss them 'mothers' good-bye !" [Fox in the thicket]
Posted by: Sam L. | November 1, 2008 11:56 AM
"Ye 'd even ask ? -'What is it the settlement wishes, what would it have?' Why, 'is strife so dear, or fleece so great, as to furnish at the price of pens an. ..and 'Vichy 'ry' ?! Doggone it ! Have tidy woods! I know not what cows y'loafers might rack, but as for me, give me 'dairy' or...or give me SPAM !' ...Well, get back to us on this. Look, we're 'prepared to wait for our answer until hell freezes over' !"
Posted by: Sam L. | November 1, 2008 1:00 PM
"On the left, now. ..Yes, the little....damn, who made THEE ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | November 1, 2008 2:43 PM
"What the f... ! Hey, Tony ! You ever thought there was maybe more to this Sasquatch stuff..."
Posted by: Sam L. | November 1, 2008 3:16 PM
"Right ! Well, then 'peach me 'gainst 'The First', mate, I know it's cutting fine, but I just gotta go out with this bit of Kipling ! ..So, O.K [clears his throat] : 'But each for the joy of the working, and each in his separate star, Shall draw the Thing as he sees It for the God of Things as They Ar. ' ...Crykie, mate ! Would ya get a peep o' this ?! ...CRYKIE ! ..Nah !... ....CRYKIE !!"
Posted by: Sam L. | November 1, 2008 4:17 PM
Are non-human species even eligible to to vote? If not, my time would be better spent elsewhere.
Posted by: Steve_O | November 1, 2008 4:37 PM
"Please don't be frightened. McCain's people thought this would be the best place for Mr. Cheney's endorsement."
Posted by: al in la | November 1, 2008 8:35 PM
--'Lampropeltus getulus nigra'(Black Kingsnake) inserted within a New Yorker cartoon for purposes which can only be known by its editors--
Posted by: Anonymous | November 1, 2008 10:18 PM
--Lampro[pelt]is [get]ula [nigra],the Black Kingsnake, inserted within a New Yorker cartoon for purposes which can only be known to its editors--
Posted by: Anonymous | November 2, 2008 12:16 AM
There's a dachshund on that tree, another dog with antlers, a giant mouse, some kind of a muppet ... you guys can go, I'm not worried about security. I'll tell you what I am worried about: my speech tonight at the Society of Evolutionary Biologists Annual Gala. How the fuck am I going to explain these species? And why am I practicing in the woods? Also, can you ask that guy in front if he has any Honey Snacks?
Posted by: mars | November 2, 2008 2:29 AM
"What I'm sayin', my friends, is that Sarah Palin is lookin' out for you, Joe the Snake, and you, Joe the Bird, and you, Joe the Bear, and you, Joe the Wolf, and you, Joe the Other Wolf, and you, Joe the Bird, and you, Joe the Feline, and you, Joe the Frog, and you, Joe the Tree-Climbing Dog, and even you, Joe the Young Moose...."
Posted by: David F | November 2, 2008 11:30 AM
"Frickin' Comedy Central ! I mean, what's the tie: 19th century pop lit--21st century high-crust art-drawing ?! ..Riiiggghht ! Anyways, one their clowns went through 'Cold Case' ! Get this, 'noses' ! They got me on a kid 'disappearance', what, hundred twenty, thirty years back ! Quite a stir in the day ! Dad big celebrity ! We got 'barefoot', 'loose-knit', ' shaggy-ass blackhair', 'denim overalls', 'eleben, mebbe twelve', 'freckles' (lotta luck on that). Oh, yeah, 'last seen with corncob pipe' ! ...I mean, it's not like you 'noses' ain't done good work before !"
Posted by: Sam L. | November 2, 2008 12:50 PM
"The name's Paul. Ron Paul."
"The name's Barr. Bob Barr."
"And I believe you all deserve a chance- every single one of you. That's why I will be outlawing all fire arms. Arrows, on the other hand..."
Posted by: Mike F. | November 2, 2008 1:15 PM
"Thank you for your very creditable concern, 'Lithobates sylvaticus'. But no, your neighbor 'Lampropeltis getula nigra' has not been placed upon the 'Endangered Species List' as a result of the increasing popularity of his genus as 'leash snakes'. And we do not expect this to happen. We do not anticipate your neighbor 'Lampropeltis' ever to face that risk on account of he is just too short, hardly ever attaining a length of more than 60" inches. So put your worries at rest. Thank you for your generous concern, however."
Posted by: Anonymous | November 2, 2008 1:46 PM
"Know then thy selves, presume not Man to delve. The proper study of Elf is Elves !"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 2, 2008 4:45 PM
ZZ Top: "We got old. So kill us."
Posted by: noah | November 2, 2008 5:53 PM
" 'Anthropo' delenda est !"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 2, 2008 6:13 PM
"Oh deer, the cunt tree's fucked!"
Posted by: Swaption | November 2, 2008 8:41 PM
" 'Farm boys wild to couple With anything....with soft-wooded trees With mounds of earth........will keep themselves off Animals by legends of their own.' -- Farm DOGS no such reservations ! ...So, would anyone like to comment ? ...Anyone ? ...Hey, was anybody actually listening ?"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 2, 2008 9:35 PM
Speaker: I see that the giant gerbils wish to voice their disapproval. Please escort them to the podium!
Security Guard 1: I have no feet.
Posted by: Mars | November 2, 2008 9:45 PM
[In the Twelfth Hour]
"My opponent is a fag."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | November 3, 2008 12:06 AM
...and YOU Mr. Deer, if I hear another word from you, I'll take down all those deer crossing signs we put up for you, and THEN where would you cross the road?
Posted by: EKR | November 3, 2008 1:33 AM
"Kill them all except that one. Shave him and send him to my room."
Posted by: J.D. | November 3, 2008 10:03 AM
"Whoa ! TODD Palin ! Well, we naturally assumed your complaint was against the GOVERNOR. .. Yes, I certainly see that ! Some you needing your sleep, little winter rest...these frigin' noisemakers..."
Posted by: Sam L. | November 3, 2008 10:20 AM
"We are the grange you have been looking for !"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 3, 2008 11:35 AM
"The hares here are unseen, not extinct. I repeat, NOT extinct !"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 3, 2008 2:20 PM
"McCain-Palin ?! 'The Grinch' you dread...plainest terms. Forty appearances today, folk ! Gotta run !"
Posted by: Anonymous | November 3, 2008 2:31 PM