October 27, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #167

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


First place
"Wait...this isn't the Bowling Green Hilton...guys, where am I?"

"We must continue with the speech senator."

"What's going on? I feel strange..why are we here?"

"We must continue with the speech senator."

"Everything looks so different..where are the people...why aren't they clapping??"

"Nothing is wrong. The speech requires that you go on senator. We must continue with the speech."—simsburybear

Second place
"Hello, I've been assigned by the Interior Department to rid this forest of chimeras. That's right beagle-lope, pack your bags." —bad dad

Third place
"Not to go on all-fours; that is the Law. Are we not Men? Not to hump trees; that is the Law. I'm talking to YOU, Dog-with-antlers..." —firebus

Honorable mention
"I'm not going to `spread the wealth' around the forest. That's not fair to my friend Joe the Hybrid Deer / Dog Fuckedlegs here." —Damon

"I am officially withdrawing from the race for Mayor of the Enchanted Forest because I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer." —Urgh

"Kill them all except that one. Shave him and send him to my room." —J.D.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I told you that Disney donation would come back to haunt us."

"She isn't your friend, my friends. She wants to shoot you all from a helicopter."

(whispers)"I'm not sure, but I think we're in The Far Side."

Hello, I'm John McCain. I'm from Arizona and I'm here to take your water...

"I understand that the owls here are obscene."

"No, that 'TIMBER!' you just heard isn't my campaign falling down."

Hello, I've been assigned by the Interior Department to rid this forest of chimeras. That's right beagle-lope, pack your bags.

Wait...this isn't the Bowling Green Hilton...guys, where am I?

We must continue with the speech senator.

What's going on? I feel strange..why are we here?

We must continue with the speech senator.

Everything looks so different..where are the people...why aren't they clapping??

Nothing is wrong. The speech requires that you go on senator. We must continue with the speech.

"...and did I tell you, my friends, that I was a close personal chum with FOREST Tucker?...um...[sweat]...er, and I still keep in touch with FOREST Whitaker...er...Yeah, and that Marietta TREE was some gal, back in the day...[hoo-boy]...."

"And if you elect me as your leader, I promise to rid the forrest of radioactive spiders, so that you will no longer have to fear being bitten by them and turned into strange creatures that can walk up the sides of trees."

"You know, I don't care if you ARE cute little woodland creatures, it's just rude to take a piss behind a tree when someone is giving a speech."

"I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here today. Well, my friends, it's a little thing called a canned hunt."

I'll give a shit what you think when you grow opposable thumbs and can vote. Until then, I will assume that you want this forest to become high-rise condominiums.

"Not to go on all-fours; that is the Law. Are we not Men? Not to hump trees; that is the Law. I'm talking to YOU, Dog-with-antlers..."

"I'm not going to `spread the wealth' around the forest. That's not fair to my friend Joe the Hybrid Deer / Dog Fuckedlegs here."

"And here in Lota..er, Got'em, Goddam ..ah, shit, guys, where the hell you got me now ?!

That's right--GAY animals. I'm not naming names, but why don't you go ask Cornflake the squirrel about her missing ovaries? De-evolution or lifestyle choice, hmmn?

"Fellow citizens, friends, my friends, you may recall that at the time I announced my candidacy, I said I would go any place, do anything, campaign anywhere....A.C.O.R.N asked."

Macaca! I know you're out there somewhere!

"And in conclusion --this may be a bit off the subject, I realize --my 'environment man' wanted me to ask around out here and see whether a tree falling in the wilderness makes some sound ? ........Anyone ?"

"And no, I do not wear 'green eye-shades'! Hey, look, friend ! There's more to running country than charisma, eloquence, you little 'jerky' !"

"Give me your support, and I'll see to it that you are never blitzkrieged by that high-heeled helicopter huntress again."

"And so in conclusion, my friends, I re-affirm my commitment to 'the total orange ban', should you vote me in ! ...Yes, yes , I realize this pledge of mine to you may 'ruffle a few feathers' over at the N.R.A....."

"I'm here to talk about my friend, Joe the Moose."

"Damn it, those animals ate all my constituents."

"I'm Ralph Nader, and I'm running for president again."

"Hey, you over there ! I'm running on a 'family values' platform here, so quit humping or rutting that tree --or whatever the hell that is ! ..I mean, show a bit more decorum, alright? Next thing, we'll be yelling, 'Hang him' , and like that !"

Nothing unusual? How about the dog in the tree? When is the last time you saw a dog climb around in a fucking tree? Damnit! I am so going to get assassinated when we start campaigning to humans.

"My father was a proud Native American and my mother was a squirrel."

"We're from the government. We're here to help you."

"Swine, nomads, bountymen.. er, bounty-folk, listen up !"

"You're all just a bunch of fucking animals!"

We all know that man is a political animal, and your votes are important to the Fallacy Party.

"In addition, my campaign is so totally 'pissed' over these sports-talk jocks referring to clueless callers as 'squirrels'. I mean, what's up with THAT ?! It is a thing which must stop ! That, my friends, is one 'change we need', a new direction for country ! .......Thank you for coming."

"If it was good enough for Grant, it's good enough for me....you little 'jerky' !"

- I knew Grant, Grant was a friend of mine ! Believe me, that's no Grant ! - (The Old Campaigner)

Hey, bird. How are you doing? Say hello to your mother for me.

Who's idea was the bunting? I feel like I'm being mocked. Even more than the fact that only a snake and a frog appear willing to admit that they are listening to me, the bunting is the biggest kick in the pants of this whole "commune with nature" idea.

"Nah, nah, I'll answer 'that un' , Judd ! ...So, yeah, it 's true our campaign was up that ol' 'verbial creek, yeah ; but heah in me, my friends, you've livin' ev'dence there more 'n one ways to git back down , yeah ! So thought you'd 'preciate 'lil' persever.... er, grit, heah in 'lasky. ....Thank you folk for visitin' !"

"In the final days of this campaign, I'm asking you to make one final donation of feces which the National Republican Congressional Committee has promised to match."

"At this moment, we must decline to comment on The Bambi Incident, as the investigation is still underway. We will say, however, that our thoughts and prayers go out to their family."

I am officially withdrawing from the race for Mayor of the Enchanted Forest because I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Elect me and I will follow Ted Nugent to the Gates of Hell!

In keeping with my promise to keep my campaign metaphor-free, let me acknowledge that despite recent progress, we still have many dangerous problems left to resolve.

We've made a lot of progress, but we're not out of the w-- [large branch falls on their heads; animals then maul and consume helplessly trapped candidate and security guards].

The above post is two variations on a theme, or (I just noticed) can be read as a single caption. Three for the price of two.

"My friends..."

"'To him who in the love of Nature holds Communion with her visible forms, She speaks A varied lan....' -- What th. ! ... Yeah, alright, O.K., I know there's some as has been flinging 'plagiarist' about; but here, look, that is SO totally tripping a line ! ...Why, almost up to ..uh, 'to a nightingale' !" (pander ! pander !)

"Psst ! He's 'gone' as a mummy !" [Fox in far rear-guard]

I appreciate you all coming and allowing me to bask in continued popularity. The G.W. Bush presidential library is now open.

Ich bin ein Schwartzwalder!

"Whitman 'thought', I 'did' ! ..Man of action here ! Alright ,O.K., I realize not all of you may know Whitman..."

So then she says "If you had two inches more dick, you'd have new pussy right here!".

"Bah, Wilderness !"

"And so I say again to you, my friends: 'In wilderness is the preservation of the world' ! ..Quaint enough notion in these times, to be sure."

"Ask not what your pine tree can do for you. As what you can do for your pine tree."

(Dang typo. "Ask.")

"My friends, I present to you my vice presidential running mate, Little Red Riding Hood."

"My friends, I present to you my vice presidential running mate, Little Red Riding Hood."

"Good evening! I'm Ralph Nader, and I'm running for president, as well as going for the world's record for the number of speeches given in one day, and the world's longest extension cord."

"Hello, my fellow Alaskans, I'm Senator Ted Stevens and I'm hoping to God you haven't seen the news lately."

"Would you quit humping that tree? I'm trying to give a speech here."

If a candidate gives a speech in the forest and there's no one around to hear it, does it have an impact on the election? We may never know, on account of the Secret Service guys, the anthropomorphic wildlife, and the press corps out of frame to the left.

"Vote for me, my friends! I'm a maverick! I will BUCK the system and face down the WOLVES AT THE DOOR and turn around the BEAR MARKET and -- What the hell is that dog doing up on that tree trunk? Er, my friends..."

"Sir,I knew Tom Bombadil. Tom Bombadil was a friend of mine. You sir, are no Tom Bombadil."

"Do you have any grasp of Town Hall etiquette at all?"

"And now just a tiny bit...well, actually, two-thirds it, from your all-time favorite 'scary horror story', folk. O.K.(clears his throat): 'I placed a jar in Tennessee, And round it was, upon a hill. It made the slovenly wilderness Surround that hill. The wilderness rose up to it, And sprawled around, no longer wild. The jar was round upon the ground, And tall and of a port in air.' .... No, no, that's enough, now ! You'd be having nightmares ! ..Anyhow, thank you for coming, and ,hey, good luck !"

"I'm here today to stump for my candidacy. I'm going to stump in every neck of the woods to spread my message. In other words, I want to turn this forest into a bunch of stumps."

"Beat it you tree hugging jerk."

"No, no, no. I will not have that! We're running a civil campaign here! My opponent may be a skunk but he is no Arab. (Oh fuck! What happened? Did I just lose the Arab AND skunk vote?")

"No, we're here to protect the Thongbird. Now who knows where and when it's likely to show that sweet little ass?"

"Psst ! The hubris here WAS pristine." [Fox, or whatever, to right rear]

"I'm debating you. Go to your podium, bitch!"

"I'm afraid Caribou Barbie will not be participating in tonight's debate"

"Please keep the questions short this last round. ..O.K, from the 'dwarf elk': Did I ever see a 'purple cow' ? Great question...fit the parameter, anyway. ..But 'no', the answer is 'no' ....Any others ? ..No ? ....Well, good-bye, then."

Vote for me and I promise to make Yogi my running mate. He is, after all, smarter than the average bear.

"The Bush Administration is pleased to announce that as part of our Clean Forests initiative we will be bulldozing this entire area."

"And remember, my friends, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. That and perhaps the occasional shotgun."

"Given the recent reduction in Governor Palin's clothing budget, we're looking for volunteers who would like to join the campaign as either a hat, a stole or some decorative trim."

"I did not have sex with that squirrel."

"No, no, Froggie's warm there ! The job of all this folderol has been, in part (I stress, 'in part'), 'to RECREATE unreal frogs for un-realer wardens' --if that is even possible ! ..So no more petty quibbles, O.K. ? ...Comes courtesy 'Dis & Games' again, 'people' ! ..Enjoy !"

"Attention everyone, especially you squirrels: we're from ACORN and if you want real change and better nesting conditions, we'll register you."

"...and that's how clear-cutting (or a nice controlled burn) allows everyone to find a new, better home in a less crowded forest. All opposed say, 'Nih' and bring me a shrubbery!"

"No, we haven't see a bear shit in the woods. We did, however, see the Pope shit in the woods."

"Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech Ha-Olam, asher chonein l'adam da'at l'havin v'livchor."

"Watch out or I'll have my guys kick your asp."

"One very important question on a lot of minds as I travel, flocks, is to the existence, or extinction (sadly), of your Ivory Billed Woodpecker. ...Now..now I just want to say, look, that would be a real shame..an honest-to- goodness 'merican trag... ..Uh..er, wait, flocks, I'm maybe a bit mixed-up now. .. Huh ! This maybe no Ark.-La. Cypress-Tupelo Gum bottomland ?! ..Huh ! ..Dang ! No way ! ..You know, I gotta maybe talk to Axelrod now ! ..Had me in 'Looz'ana', people ! Now..now that's kinda funny, flocks ! ..Huh ! ..See, we give McCain 'Looz'ana', now ! Yeah, give him 'that un' ! ..Dang !..Hey, look, folks, give me a break here ! FOX not exactly 'fair and balanced' now. ..You kidding ?!..Build this up !"

Look, I've come to apologize. I did not realize that it was ONLY bears who can shit in the woods. It won't happen again.

"Polit'cally savvy bunch of folk here, I gather ! Yeah, that dern drunk opponent of mine ! Yeah, get this ! Ran into that young whip'snapper down Houston recent --fancy restaurant, putting on something 'Parisian', don't you know ! Look, not but one obvious dowager the whole place ! Now, me and 'that un' pandering the whole ev'ning to that one dern dowager ! Her own 'lil' problem, see ! Imagine ! Turn my stomach, recalling ! Yeah, that there Sept. 29 ev'ning ! Never forgit 'that un' ! Me ! 'Ole Hick'ry' ! ........Yes, you ! A question ?"

"... and based on the nature of Ms. Riding-Hood's injuries, we believe she was attacked by an Obama supporter."

And I promise to focus ONLY the issues important to woodland creatures- putting a stop to invasive species, protecting your right to bare claws, and, of course, banning gay marriage.

"I did not have sex with that raccoon...!"

"So anyway, the judge says to Baby Bear, "Do you want to live with your papa?"

"No," says Baby Bear, "he beats me!"

"How about your Mama?", asked the judge.

"No, she beats me too," came the reply.

"Then who do you want to live with?"

"The Chicago Bears," said the youngster. "They don't beat anybody!"

Hello, is this thing on? What is this, an audience or a petrified forest?

"My friends, we've all heard what people say about animals. They say animals don't worry. They say they don't need money. They think they know what's best. They're making a fool of us. They ought to be more careful. They're setting a bad example. Well, my friends, I'm here today to tell you, you can't just believe what all the talking heads tell you."

"You neither? Well is anyone here eligible to vote?"

"And I still say, the government that governs best is the government that governs least. They can call me a do-little governor, ... [chuckle] ... get it, a Dolittle governor? Oh man, if I wasn't speaking into two corndogs on a cardboard box, that would be all over tonight's news."

Do not imagine, comrades, that leadership is a pleasure. On the contrary, it is a deep and heavy responsibility. No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?

"Hey, dogelope, I fucked your wife!"

"I love coming here to the real magic forest, the most patriotic, Baal-worshipping, hard-working part of Never-Never Land. Go Devil Rays!"

"I smell Ewok. Steve, get the hibachi."

“If a campaign falls flat in the middle of the forest does it make a sound?"

"It's a good thing there are no black people here to see this."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to REAL Real America, bitches."

Dang, it smells like 10 different species of shit in here...damn it! Johnson, pretend the snake is assassinating me. Rogers, I'll meet you at the campaign van for a change of pants. Guess I'll have to borrow yours again. Oh crap, is this thing on? Fuck it, let's get out of here. I hate 31st century politics.

Psst...Johnson! Wake up, dammit! You're making me look bad in front of the assembled forest animals. Rogers, spread some more birdseed over there.

"Uuuuu , a 'procyanid'?! Wha., wh.., wha., what 'procyanid' ? Whe.., where ?!"

(1) [possibly more of a real caption than an anti-caption]
"Yes, I know you have nothing to eat and you're losing your forest dwellings. But listen, we're going to give seven hundred billion dollars to the lions and tigers, and it'll make everything better, OK?"

(2) "What? You want to impeach me? Have you no compassion at all? WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF ANIMALS?"

(3) "I'm just like you, a regular Joe. I, too, humped my own mother and then ate the offspring."

"Well, there one last 'lil' thing I ain't brought in. Seems been goats missing down by my opponent. Since Oct.6, 2008, this was. Now look, O.K., she likely 'wears[ or did wear] combat boots', sorta upp'ty type. Yeah, actual maybe took down few of you folk off season, frigin' moose or two ! Bu. , bu. ,but look here, some you maybe bit overboard on 'that un' ! ..Huh !.. But, hey, look, don't be get me wrong, don't be thinking I'm blaming ever'body, 'cause I ain't, I not. ..No way, no how, as my grammar sa. ..er, as my grandma say. ..O.K., look ! ...What th. , hey, you ov' there, 'dwarf reindeer', what the de'il you looking you stole somethin' ?! ..Maybe you got lil 'information'..."

"You have met the enemy. ..Oh, yeah !"

"...For 'when I was a child, I thought as a child, I understood as a child (I went to Disneyland), I spoke as a child, but when I became a man, I put awa. ..uh, chil..uh, put away childish things.' ...Or meb.. uh, mebbe not so much ! Uh, Rudy, Rudy, look alive there ! Put me Axelrod on....A.S.A.P.,A.S.A.P., man !"

'Sotto Voce' : "Ah, shit. Maybe 'philosopher-king' was the way to go."

"What the fu.. ! Hey, I heard that ! 'Pogo-ing the sticks', am I ?! O' all th. ! Do this look like some, like some dern 'kid venue', you , you dern identity-challenged...'whatever' ! ..Yeah, remind me McCain !...Nah,nah, 'people', don't be callin' him, or her, no 'jerky', incite vi'lence...."

"Little fucker's challenging me, folks ! Says I 'don't know my woodcraft'! I mean, now if there one thing.. ! Alright, buddy ! This here behind's 'Betula papyrifera'--that's 'Paper Birch' to you, bitch..and some you others ! ..Well, so now, where were we ? ..Yeah, right, O.K. ! The 'state of my campaign' now ! "

-- What's with the New Yorker and this 25-word limit on captions,anyway ? I mean, 'brevity' may be the 'soul of wit' and all; it didn't say 'humor' ! Sure, O.K., you don't want a book (like some its fiction); but the place is your 'Sunday newspaper' for throw-away ad, and ''tached scription card' ! --No, I not 'mad as hell' ! -- [a self-educating countryman]

--Well, I think the answer is they have two or three readers to read what two-three million 'suckers' send them. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it !--

"I am Generalissimo Todd Palin of the Alaska Liberation Front. You must support the Revolution or we send the helicopters after you!"

"You have nothing to fear but fear itself! And me."

"Pssst... remind me, are we in Red Pennsylvania or Blue Pennsylvania?"

Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride, Uh-huh,
Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride, Uh-huh,
Frog went a-courtin', and he did ride.
With a sword and a pistol by his side, Uh-huh.

"And if elected, my friends, I promise to support the NRA and every nutcase who wants to own a dozen assault rifles and leave them laying around for the kids to play with -- aw, SHIT, this is TOMORROW's speech!"

"Anyone...anyone? ...Yes ?! On the left ! 'Is that your Secretary Bird ?' ..Nah, nah ! Perfectly reasonable, folks ! Not a particularly worldly question, perhaps, but reas...... But no, to answer the question..now, now, folks !..no, this here's Robin Red-Breast -thank you for attending, sir - not the..huh! huh! - not the so called 'Secretary Bird': what dad used to call 'Sagittarius serpentarius', by the way ! ...Any others ?"

"As our campaign crisscrosses this great land of ours, I never feel more welcome than in the great state of NORTH VIRGINIA!!"

"No, sir ! Ontogeny recapitulates PHYLOGENY !"

"You species would not be endangered if you stopped fucking the trees and started fucking each other."

Would someone, anyone, explain to me how in Sam's hell that weinter dog is climbing that damn tree!

"My friends, my appearing here before you as though you were constituents of mine, whose interests I need to take into consideration and pander to, illustrates the absurdity of attempting to categorize animals as beings with legal rights, when there are such fundamental differences between our relationships with animals and those with each other; but at the same time it must be observed that you animals -- other than you, imaginary jackelope -- are indeed sentient beings with interests that deserve to be protected by a moral code at the very least and ham-fisted governmental excess at its worst. I'm sorry, did I say 'ham-fisted'? I apologize."

"Well yes it IS called the 'Clean Forest Act', but we're Republicans, so that means we're blacktopping it over."

"And if you elect me I promise, No more circle of life!"

"And with your help, in the next five days, I should be able to find my way back to the main road."

"Let the word go out to friend and doe alike..."

"I'm Saint Francic of Asissi and I approve this message."

"Let's just say that he isn't the first young black man I've seen who wanted change. I worked near Harlem.. and they ALL wanted my change!... but seriously folks."

"And I speak for 'Joe the Ranger' when I say..."

"Forest? I don't see the forest... cause of all these trees!"

"I'm Ralph Nader. You may recall me.....wait, let me reword that."

"Bull Moose Party, my ass."

"And so, we begin hunting in five minutes...oh, crap, is this microphone on?"

Holy shit! I think that bear is fucking a tree. Wait I think all the animals are fucking trees. What kind of forest is this?

Who am I? Why am I here?

"'Ecce homo'! Wait.....where's FOX ?! They might 'unbalance' that !"

"I am not prepared to wait for your question until hell freezes over !"

--Midway within the flurry of campaign, I found myself inside a lurid joke, For my strategist's guidance had been lost. Oh, what frighted wretch 'twas that day -Whereof the every draft renews the fear !! -- [The spontaneous overflow of a powerful (pol's) feeling...recalled in tranquility]

"I propose to fight it out with such lines if it takes all 'tober !"

"If elected I will lower or raise taxes, make social security work somehow, and do other stuff that isn't necessarily bad for your overall situation. Thank you."

"I stand firmly against all bestiality laws. Soft, furry, hug-able forest creatures need love too, and I am just the candidate to see that you will all get fucked like you deserve it."

"The Green Party looks forward to your support at the polls in November. That is, if you are not hibernating."

"Hey, dogelope, Russell Brand fucked your granddaughter."

"What are you people, chicken-shit?!"

"You. Behind the tree. Yeah, you. Are you voting for the nigger?"

"Check this out, 'Verns' ! (Clears his throat): 'Hey, what kind of times are these, when A speech about trees is almost a crime Because it suggests 'clueless' about so many mamma.. er, animals ?! That fawn(?)there dully hoofing that tree Has perhaps 'taken leave', beyond the niche of its friends Who took heed ! -- You who will survive 'the dude' To whom we have gone under Remember, When you speak of his failings, the 'eminence grise' Whom you have escaped !! For you went, changing counties oft'ner than your does (or whatever), Before the 'scores' of his blasters--retreated, When there was slaughter only....' - [sotto voce]yeah, easy to speak to this bunch of animals, 'Verns' ! ...oh, yeah !"

"People have got to know whether or not their president is a taxidermist. Well, I'm not a taxidermist, but I do mount animals."

-- Midway within the flurry of campaign I found myself inside a horrid copse For the consultant's guidance had been lost ! O, me ! what frighted wretch 'twas that day Therein that copse 'blazened, rough, and ferned -Whereof the every draft renews the fear ! -- [Not that th'improvement will 'save' me !]

...and in this clearing we have a frog, a snake, a bipedal deer, a bird, a house cat, a tree climbing weiner dog, a werewolf, an actual wolf, and a bear. There's also a podium with two microphones, on which hangs Captain America's shield. This concludes our tour. I'd like to thank the Professional Society of Blind & Hearing Impaired Businessmen for joining me this afternoon. Now, will one of you please sign my community service form? I need it for court.

Don't worry! Cheney stayed in the limo.

And if elected...hell, I'm a Republican. I'm really here just to find an empty stump to live in.

"You know, when Senator Obama ended up his conversation with Joe the lemur -- we need to spread the acorns around. In other words, we're going to take Joe's acorns, give it to Senator Obama, and let him spread the acorns around.

I want Joe the lemur to spread those acorns around. You told him you wanted to spread the acorns around."

"and let me assure our valued animal friends that the transition from forest to shopping mall will a smooth one."

"Yeah..., well that's like asking how many pines could a porcupine pork if a porcupine could pork pines."

Politician to bodyguards: "My campaign is a dog-gone stag-nating cat-astrophe. At this stage it's so un-bear-ably bad it wouldn't even be worthwhile to toad-y to Fox."

Politician to bodyguards, in a whisper: "Are any of them wearing top hats?"

Politician to animals: "My running mate will be arriving shortly, in a helicopter."

Politican to animals: "So, which patriot among you is ready for a tour of duty in Iraq?"

Politician to animals: "For eight years, this administration has proudly employed animals without opposable thumbs: reptiles, toads, and capitalist pigs. Our primate president has even employed representatives of the other kingdoms: plants and slime molds and bacteria. But, if the evolution elitists take over, you and I will no longer be represented in Washington! So I urge you to raise your voices, donate your money, cast your votes, and give us . . . Four More Years!"

"Frigin' DeLay, man ! I mean, he's fuckin' gerrymandered me into the goddamn 'Big Thicket' !"

"Think globally, act locally...very locally." [to himself]

"Remember me the vegan candidate? Well, now I'm running- running for Canada. These plastic shoes hurt, but you are so cute."

"You otter know I'm not a moose-limb, and I'm against ill eagle immigration. But seriously, I invented the blackberry."

"Whooooey ! Man 'live, I sure as hell trick'd that dumbass 'Lib'tarian' ! Listen, see, 'Thicket', now, it not big 'nuff fo' the two on us, 'Green' AND 'tarian'. So now, crafty 's me, I 'sartin' he jus' eying this place to hole in, just a-hankering after it, look. Now I eying in here once'd place to recruit , he come tripping along mo' eying this left here 'n to the right, 'most drooling ! What you think, Isis some dumbbunny, I sez this 'tarian', I sez "crim'ny, that in there look like crap, that in there all flagged-up orange ,yeah ! be 'rollers' jus' swarmin' 'bout in there, now boots, don't be gettin' itch'd, go on,leave outta here--and you welcome t'it, ''tarian' !" -- Whoooey, hey, that boy jus' dash off the 'fus' street right, like 'twas some scar't rabbit, see, right midst o' GREEN ACRES --all them latest 'burbs ! ..Well, now ain't that a story to beat all, flocks ?! Shoot, that 'tarian'! ... O' course, GREEN ACRES kinda hit 'lil' snag o' late."

McCain spends the remainder of his advertising budget to air a prime time infomercial on Wasilla Public Access Cable.

"And now I'd like to thank a few friends. To my far right, I'd like to thank my mentor and just an all-around great guy... Let's give it up for... Fozzy Bear!"

"Great question ! Well, you see, The mole elects its own variety, As though 'twere at war. Of its condign minority Inquire no more ! ...Any others ?"

"I would now like to discuss my position on the the second amendment."

"And in conclusion, my friends of the forest, I'd like to end on a note of hope: DRILL, BABY, DRILL!"

"'anyone lived in a costly how town - with then so boring many wells down- may june 'tember 'vember- we sung our didn't we dunced our did !' ...Right ! Welcome NO NOTHING PARTY 'ventioneers ! So, any mebbe stray 'publicans' 'attendionce' ? ..'The same you need' 's our motto ! ...Yes, you, the 'whatever' ! Could you come forward ? ...Once'd again please, all join in !"

"Order, order ! Watch out, frog."

"And last but not least, I promise that frog...uh, I promise the frog wings !"

"Duh, fellow ! Man takes lovin' where he can get it...pols, anyhow."

"Look at 'em, 'Jakes' ! 'Intellectual Disgrace' if there ever was ! I dunno, mebbe worth a shot, 'lil uplift couldn't hurt' kinda thing. ...So O.K.[clears his throat] Now listen up, folk ! 'I - a wit in a 'deer-stand': Plot Fifty-Second, 'cant'- Near livid, near to fit, As the 'cleaver' hopes endure Of a low, disastrous decade ! Wisps of anger - p'rhaps more -All graduate in the polite, Too mod'rate minds of our thicket-- Reproving too friv'lous lives ! A movable odor, at stealth, Offends the sylvan night ! - Accurate 'Psychiatry' might Describe the whole disgrace From 'Senior' until now, That has riddled our culture. -'Rad' ?! Hey, what happened at 'Ghraib' ?! What 'larger psychos' made Militant 'DeSade' ? Why, you --even yon deer(?) -- know, What most all 'sproutlings' learn : Those to whom evil is done, Do evil in return ! ' - [aside] Hang it, 'Jakes', they ain' getting it..better go with more 'cessible 'horror stories'. ...[aloud] Hey, look, folk, 'Jakes' gonna read some yo' real fav'rites now ! --I'm out !"

"Not now deer, I'm busy."

"Anybody who loves his cunt tree that much has a wood pecker."

"I smell a rat. I mean, a Muslim."

"Thank you, frog. That's new- growth 'Yucca aloifolia'. An extremely hardy plant. ..Yes, to frog's right !"

"Monmouth County Coroner's Inquiry as to tragic aftermath of Mr. Steve Fossett's higher elevation plane crash declared officially open ! We would appreciate all of your cooperation here--sharing whatever knowledge you might have about 'the disappearance'. Understand that no one here is suspected as having had a hand in the crash itself. I might say that some of you may be looked upon as 'parties of greater interest than others' as regards the unfortunate events successive to Mr. Fossett's very sad last flight of some fourteen months ago. ...Very well --and frog, I think you for one may be immediately dismissed..as entirely ignorant..."

"And to you ,deer --and to others of your kind, if any - I can at least promise to require 'dimmed headlights' throughout the forest area."

"In closing your local area's 'No Wild Left Behind' annual gathering, I should like to say how much I have appreciated what I think I may with justice term an nearly unprecedented 'intellectual curiosity' on your parts , a 'thirst for knowledge' beyond that of any other in my own experience, at least ! ..Special thanks go out to 'frog' and to 'deer' for their inquiries ! Keep it up, fellows --and with any luck we may all see each other here a year from now. ...Well, good-bye !"

"I'm proud to be running in this historic race against the first major candidate who happens to be a black bear. But he's an elitist who eats arugula. And your children."

Damn it, Gene! I told you that cologne of yours smells like tiger piss. Now these animals are scared shitless, and we've lost our audience. How is that going to look on TV? Did you ever consider that, Gene?!

"Yet I say unto you , 'Be not afraid' , for inasmuch as Our Lord, Jesus Christ, hath enjoined us all: 'turn the other to him as well' - 'twas merely to that 'mote' within me I spoke when I did lately so heedlessly aver 'controlled burn' unto you. For, aye, 'tis a bitter thing ,indeed, to have been passed over year after successive year for Forest Service Press Secretary ! ..And why ?! Do I not enunciate ? ..Do I not prioritize ? ..Do I not know my trees ? ..But hold ! I say no more, in accordance with the injunction laid upon each of us in Matthew: 'Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer, for I believe God, that it shall be as it was told me'!"

"And last but not least, Father Gotham, we render unto YOU humble gratitude for the great gift of cognitive dissonance(CD) which YOU have allowed to come to pass within the minds of so many near and far, - gift that has oftentimes made more interesting and enjoyable, if not especially more moral, our small existences ! Amen !"

"Either this is the Island of Dr. Moreau or I'm in a very poorly drawn cartoon."

"Odd that I should be announcing my candidacy in a radioactive forest with my twin uncles Vito and Tony and you, my animal friends."

"Yew's hoyd 'Deus ex machina' ? Isis 'Duce della macchina', 'whozzis' ! Git youst !"

"Duce della macchina CINESE, 'wazzis' !"

"'I have sworn upon the Altar of God eternal hostility against every...[these kinds of men]' ! ..What the hell ! Hey, someone's been screwing with my statement !"

--The outward and visible signs of an outward but 'virtual' lice--

"Psst ! Next stop 'Peaceable Kingdom' ! Kiss them 'mothers' good-bye !" [Fox in the thicket]

"Ye 'd even ask ? -'What is it the settlement wishes, what would it have?' Why, 'is strife so dear, or fleece so great, as to furnish at the price of pens an. ..and 'Vichy 'ry' ?! Doggone it ! Have tidy woods! I know not what cows y'loafers might rack, but as for me, give me 'dairy' or...or give me SPAM !' ...Well, get back to us on this. Look, we're 'prepared to wait for our answer until hell freezes over' !"

"On the left, now. ..Yes, the little....damn, who made THEE ?!"

"What the f... ! Hey, Tony ! You ever thought there was maybe more to this Sasquatch stuff..."

"Right ! Well, then 'peach me 'gainst 'The First', mate, I know it's cutting fine, but I just gotta go out with this bit of Kipling ! ..So, O.K [clears his throat] : 'But each for the joy of the working, and each in his separate star, Shall draw the Thing as he sees It for the God of Things as They Ar. ' ...Crykie, mate ! Would ya get a peep o' this ?! ...CRYKIE ! ..Nah !... ....CRYKIE !!"

Are non-human species even eligible to to vote? If not, my time would be better spent elsewhere.

"Please don't be frightened. McCain's people thought this would be the best place for Mr. Cheney's endorsement."

--'Lampropeltus getulus nigra'(Black Kingsnake) inserted within a New Yorker cartoon for purposes which can only be known by its editors--

--Lampro[pelt]is [get]ula [nigra],the Black Kingsnake, inserted within a New Yorker cartoon for purposes which can only be known to its editors--

There's a dachshund on that tree, another dog with antlers, a giant mouse, some kind of a muppet ... you guys can go, I'm not worried about security. I'll tell you what I am worried about: my speech tonight at the Society of Evolutionary Biologists Annual Gala. How the fuck am I going to explain these species? And why am I practicing in the woods? Also, can you ask that guy in front if he has any Honey Snacks?

"What I'm sayin', my friends, is that Sarah Palin is lookin' out for you, Joe the Snake, and you, Joe the Bird, and you, Joe the Bear, and you, Joe the Wolf, and you, Joe the Other Wolf, and you, Joe the Bird, and you, Joe the Feline, and you, Joe the Frog, and you, Joe the Tree-Climbing Dog, and even you, Joe the Young Moose...."

"Frickin' Comedy Central ! I mean, what's the tie: 19th century pop lit--21st century high-crust art-drawing ?! ..Riiiggghht ! Anyways, one their clowns went through 'Cold Case' ! Get this, 'noses' ! They got me on a kid 'disappearance', what, hundred twenty, thirty years back ! Quite a stir in the day ! Dad big celebrity ! We got 'barefoot', 'loose-knit', ' shaggy-ass blackhair', 'denim overalls', 'eleben, mebbe twelve', 'freckles' (lotta luck on that). Oh, yeah, 'last seen with corncob pipe' ! ...I mean, it's not like you 'noses' ain't done good work before !"

"The name's Paul. Ron Paul."

"The name's Barr. Bob Barr."

"And I believe you all deserve a chance- every single one of you. That's why I will be outlawing all fire arms. Arrows, on the other hand..."

"Thank you for your very creditable concern, 'Lithobates sylvaticus'. But no, your neighbor 'Lampropeltis getula nigra' has not been placed upon the 'Endangered Species List' as a result of the increasing popularity of his genus as 'leash snakes'. And we do not expect this to happen. We do not anticipate your neighbor 'Lampropeltis' ever to face that risk on account of he is just too short, hardly ever attaining a length of more than 60" inches. So put your worries at rest. Thank you for your generous concern, however."

"Know then thy selves, presume not Man to delve. The proper study of Elf is Elves !"

ZZ Top: "We got old. So kill us."

" 'Anthropo' delenda est !"

"Oh deer, the cunt tree's fucked!"

" 'Farm boys wild to couple With anything....with soft-wooded trees With mounds of earth........will keep themselves off Animals by legends of their own.' -- Farm DOGS no such reservations ! ...So, would anyone like to comment ? ...Anyone ? ...Hey, was anybody actually listening ?"

Speaker: I see that the giant gerbils wish to voice their disapproval. Please escort them to the podium!

Security Guard 1: I have no feet.

[In the Twelfth Hour]
"My opponent is a fag."

...and YOU Mr. Deer, if I hear another word from you, I'll take down all those deer crossing signs we put up for you, and THEN where would you cross the road?

"Kill them all except that one. Shave him and send him to my room."

"Whoa ! TODD Palin ! Well, we naturally assumed your complaint was against the GOVERNOR. .. Yes, I certainly see that ! Some you needing your sleep, little winter rest...these frigin' noisemakers..."

"We are the grange you have been looking for !"

"The hares here are unseen, not extinct. I repeat, NOT extinct !"

"McCain-Palin ?! 'The Grinch' you dread...plainest terms. Forty appearances today, folk ! Gotta run !"

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