The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #161
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
Winner
"I'm sorry, we were looking for a more normal-sized lobster." —Francis
Finalists
"I'm very sorry, but you're overqualified -- we're looking for something more in the realm of plankton, or a Penn State grad." —LK
"Do you know anything about Gail in accounting getting hit in the back of the head with two gigantic rubber bands?" —Damon
Honorable mention
“Your cubicle is in the big black pot on top of the stove. Ha ha! Just kidding. Actually, you’ll be sitting with Accounting.” —Deborah
"All the ladies put your hands in the air!" —Mike Mariano
"Interesting. Thoughtful. Well argued. Still, we're going to boil and eat you." —Charles
"You and I have always had difficulty communicating. Let's try some role playing; I'll be you, and you can be me, ok? I'll start...ehem...`I'm a big, crybaby lobster who complains about the funny looks I get from co-workers, and I think it's my manager's fault that people follow me around with butter and little forks, and try to crack open my claws, and I think the workplace is an appropriate forum to discuss my family problems at home.' Okay - your turn." —Damon
"Congenital syndactylism my achin' ass. You're a giant fuckin' lobster! Get the fuck outta here!" —J.D.
"Truman Capote: I had lunch with Jimmy Baldwin the other day.
Lobster: How is he?
Truman Capote: He's lovely, he's a lovely man. And he told me the plot of his new book. And he said, 'I just wanted to make sure it's not one of those problem novels,' you know. And I said , 'Jimmy. Your book is about a Negro homosexual who's in love with a Jew. Wouldn't you call that a problem?'
[Lobster laughs]" —Trotman
"So ... umm ... since you already are a lobster, can we dispense with the expensive dinner and skip right to the sex?" — Jason Olshefsky
"I still don't quite follow you. You want me to refer to this old contract and incorporate the same ... what? Help me out here. One word. Sounds like ... pincers? 'Incorporate the 'pincers' from the old contract?' What does that even mean?" —Milan Starling
"A detail so obvious that most recipes don’t even bother to mention it is that each lobster is supposed to be alive when you put it in the kettle. This is part of lobster’s modern appeal: It’s the freshest food there is. There’s no decomposition between harvesting and eating. And not only do lobsters require no cleaning or dressing or plucking (though the mechanics of actually eating them are a different matter), but they’re relatively easy for vendors to keep alive. They come up alive in the traps, are placed in containers of seawater, and can, so long as the water’s aerated and the animals’ claws are pegged or banded to keep them from tearing one another up under the stresses of captivity,8 survive right up until they’re boiled. So then here is a question that’s all but unavoidable at the World’s Largest Lobster Cooker, and may arise in kitchens across the U.S.: Is it all right to boil a sentient creature alive just for our gustatory pleasure? A related set of concerns: Is the previous question irksomely PC or sentimental? What does 'all right' even mean in this context? Is it all just a matter of individual choice?" —simsburybear
"Lobster? I hardly even know'er!" —Harry
Comments
“Okay, I will consider the lobster. That sounds like a supposedly fun thing I’ll never do again.”
“So it says here you type 100 words per minute?”
“Lobstere. Is that French?”
“Your cubicle is in the big black pot on top of the stove. Ha ha! Just kidding. Actually, you’ll be sitting with Accounting.”
Posted by: Deborah | September 15, 2008 9:47 AM
A detail so obvious that most recipes don’t even bother to mention it is that each lobster is supposed to be alive when you put it in the kettle. This is part of lobster’s modern appeal: It’s the freshest food there is. There’s no decomposition between harvesting and eating. And not only do lobsters require no cleaning or dressing or plucking (though the mechanics of actually eating them are a different matter), but they’re relatively easy for vendors to keep alive. They come up alive in the traps, are placed in containers of seawater, and can, so long as the water’s aerated and the animals’ claws are pegged or banded to keep them from tearing one another up under the stresses of captivity,8 survive right up until they’re boiled.
So then here is a question that’s all but unavoidable at the World’s Largest Lobster Cooker, and may arise in kitchens across the U.S.: Is it all right to boil a sentient creature alive just for our gustatory pleasure? A related set of concerns: Is the previous question irksomely PC or sentimental? What does “all right” even mean in this context? Is it all just a matter of individual choice?
Posted by: simsburybear | September 15, 2008 9:50 AM
"You had how many shares in Lehman?"
Posted by: RichM | September 15, 2008 10:01 AM
All the ladies put your hands in the air!
Posted by: Mike Mariano | September 15, 2008 10:15 AM
"To be honest, I'm worried that your vocal support of the Pro-Under-the-Sea movement back in the late eighties might come back to haunt you."
Posted by: Hennie | September 15, 2008 10:24 AM
“Pincer me so I know I’m not dreaming.”
"Where the hell is the clitoris on this thing?" (Copied from Rubrick , #136)
[Thought bubble]
“I ordered crab.”
[Thought bubble]
“I must avoid hydroponic weed, the kind covered with red and purple hairs.”
[Thought bubble above lobster]
"zzzz...zzz" [probably not conscious]
“Ten dollars for the fucking soup du jour? This is the last time I take you to a revolving restaurant, Doris!”
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 15, 2008 10:43 AM
"You caught a fish how long?"
Posted by: dwilk | September 15, 2008 10:52 AM
I understand your concern, but this is a documented side effect of your acne medication and is purely cosmetic, albeit permanent.
Posted by: Mark | September 15, 2008 10:54 AM
Is that claw movement some sort of mating display? Because I gotta tell you, I don't scuttle that way.
Posted by: therblig | September 15, 2008 10:57 AM
[Sometime in 2009]
"I thank my lucky stars that this is the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment, considering the size of this lobster."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 15, 2008 11:04 AM
Interesting. Thoughtful. Well argued. Still, we're going to boil and eat you.
Posted by: Charles | September 15, 2008 11:06 AM
Very well, we can accommodate your need for a saltwater cooler, but I'm afraid we can't let you pick your secretary out of a tank.
Posted by: therblig | September 15, 2008 11:07 AM
“Crushed Asians, dummy. With big tits.”
Posted by: dwilk | September 15, 2008 11:10 AM
"I've heard of a large cup of coffee, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" —
Posted by: Anonymous | September 15, 2008 11:16 AM
I am so sorry. You're the 5th one today. You see, there was a typo in the ad - we're casting for a movie version of "The Sopranos", and while you technically do "sleep with the fishes", you're just not what we're looking for.
Posted by: therblig | September 15, 2008 11:17 AM
I'm very sorry, but you're overqualified -- we're looking for something more in the realm of plankton, or a Penn State grad.
Posted by: LK | September 15, 2008 11:19 AM
"I don't see the need for any litigation, Jerome. I told you I could make you BIG in New York, and look at you. What's the problem?"
"Well, yes, 'David Foster Wallace and Me' is a nice provocative title for this tell-all, but it may lead the reader to expect that you... well, you know... ever met the man."
Posted by: Vance | September 15, 2008 11:19 AM
Look, try and distract me all you want, but I fully intend to continue staring at this picture of a young Jack Welch until I finish masterbating.
Posted by: JR | September 15, 2008 11:23 AM
"So I've always wondered: are lobsters red before you boil them, or only after? Since I'm color blind and, to me, everything looks gray, I am not able to tell by simple observation."
Posted by: Francis | September 15, 2008 11:28 AM
"And your typing speed is...three words a day. For a lobster, that's pretty good, honestly."
Posted by: Francis | September 15, 2008 11:30 AM
"Your resume is quite impressive, but what's more important here at Hinckley, Allen & Snyder is how fast you can move your tail."
Posted by: dwilk | September 15, 2008 11:36 AM
Naturally, I assumed your name was Mr. Lob and that it was just a nickname. Although why you'd put your nickname on a resume is beyond me. Sorry, we can't use you.
Posted by: Anonymous | September 15, 2008 11:39 AM
"Well if I had to pick somebody I'd say you're a Jennifer Love Hewitt."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 15, 2008 11:39 AM
"I'm sorry, we were looking for a more normal-sized lobster."
Posted by: Francis | September 15, 2008 11:41 AM
Welcome to CNN’s Best Political Team on Television. We're always happy to put another invertebrate on the air.
Posted by: therblig | September 15, 2008 11:42 AM
"I understand that you do killer castanets, but what makes you think you can possibly replace Don LaFontaine? Let's hear your 'In a world...'"
Posted by: NJtoTX | September 15, 2008 11:46 AM
" 'IKE' will carry you only so far with us in Houston, 'Crusty'. Your work has been going to pot for days."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 12:07 PM
[Man, scratching crotch] "I must end this affair, Denise. For one thing, I believe my wife is beginning to suspect us. But mostly it's because you gave me crabs."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 15, 2008 12:14 PM
"You certainly do have big claws. Run through your orgasm."
Posted by: dwilk | September 15, 2008 12:15 PM
"I'm sorry, Mr. Homarus, I'm afraid you just don't fit our needs here at Weathersby, Winters, and Witherspoon, but we're delighted you applied." [Thinking: Ethnics. Six years at Andover, seven at Harvard, and you still talk with your hands. Maybe there's an opening in the police force or Lehman Brothers.]
"I'm sorry, sir, but this is a kosher bank."
"15 years as a mohel, eh? I'm Presbyterian, what exactly does that entail?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 15, 2008 12:15 PM
"Absolutely not ! There's no 'safety net' for the likes of you, Potter. Quite to the contrary...."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 12:16 PM
"Oh I love Southwest Harbor!"
"How was I to know she was your daughter, Higgins? Anyway, she was delicious so you should be proud."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 15, 2008 12:23 PM
"We do have an opening in Yumm. ..er, I mean Yuma."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 12:25 PM
"You know what's the difference between the secretary I'm looking for and a juicy, succulent lobster? Lipstick. And the fishy smell is more isolated in one area."
Posted by: Joshua | September 15, 2008 12:26 PM
Is it all right to boil a sentient creature alive just for our gustatory pleasure? This ethical conundrum once bothered me. I have recently resolved the issue, however. And yet, I have not come to an answer to the specifics of that question. The solution involves the application of a sharp, heavy knife to the brain of the aquatic insect, just prior to its cooking. By doing so, it is merely another slaughtered animal to be prepared and garnished in my kitchen. Indeed, by performing the final deed myself, I can be assured that the creature did not suffer a horrible fate at the hands of some mechanical knife which did not quite hit its target. How many chickens do you think I have eaten that have been the victims of poorly maintained industrial machinery? Or worse, the intentional negligence of a lazy or mean-spirited slaughterhouse worker?
Posted by: mypalmike | September 15, 2008 12:31 PM
"Very sad....So yeah ! We approve this 'class action' claim down to and including your second cousin, the crayfish. I mean, what the hey, the Iraquis sure got their's....some of them."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 12:41 PM
First, Joshua should win. Second,
"Tell me about a situation when you were confronted by an irate customer and how you dealt with it."
Posted by: TMo | September 15, 2008 12:41 PM
"We do have an opening in Yumm. ..er, I mean Yuma."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 12:42 PM
"Hand job? No thanks I'm good."
Posted by: J.D. | September 15, 2008 12:50 PM
"Very sad...so yeah, we approve your 'class action' claim down to and including your poor cousin, the crayfish. I mean, what the hey, as long as we're shelling it out to Iraquis, Blackwater, Halliburton....the frigin' Saudis !!"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 12:50 PM
"It says here you're theologically-trained. What the fuck does that mean?"
Posted by: Anonymous | September 15, 2008 12:53 PM
"Congenital syndactylism my achin' ass. You're a giant fuckin' lobster! Get the fuck outta here!"
Posted by: J.D. | September 15, 2008 1:11 PM
"If I'm understanding this, you claim your name is 'Edward' and that you were alive in 1990, substantially as you appear blah blah today, and that, therefore, you are presenting Misters Burton and Depp with this claim for royalties based upon the unlawful blah blah appropriation of said name. .............Lots of luck !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 1:16 PM
“You say you’re entitled to a Native American hiring set-aside because of your color?"
Posted by: J. Brown | September 15, 2008 1:27 PM
"Give us a few days. We'll pry you into a gimmicky anti-Obama ad some way. Houston can't be having that. Hunh ? Something about 'grasping'?"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 15, 2008 1:32 PM
"I see you've left the question about having a backbone blank. Any reason for that?"
Posted by: mort drucker | September 15, 2008 1:39 PM
Hey, I can see your hand under your pants, you fuckin perverted lawyer. Stop looking at my mom's picture in the menu. So do we have a case or not?
Posted by: Japonelio | September 15, 2008 1:41 PM
"As my personal assistant, one of your duties will be to tie my bowtie each morning. It says here you are nocturnal, so I'm a little concerned about that."
Posted by: mort drucker | September 15, 2008 1:42 PM
"The proximity of your giant claws to my person is a 'spine tingling' experience. Not that you would know anything about that."
Posted by: Mort drucker | September 15, 2008 1:46 PM
"Ok. I'm going to take a chance on you Mr. Crusty. But you pinch so much as a paperclip and you'll be in real hot water."
Posted by: mort drucker | September 15, 2008 1:49 PM
"You and I have always had difficulty communicating. Let's try some role playing; I'll be you, and you can be me, ok? I'll start...ehem...`I'm a big, crybaby lobster who complains about the funny looks I get from co-workers, and I think it's my manager's fault that people follow me around with butter and little forks, and try to crack open my claws, and I think the workplace is an appropriate forum to discuss my family problems at home.' Okay - your turn."
Posted by: Damon | September 15, 2008 2:02 PM
"Straight talk: You are a big fucking lobster."
Posted by: Richard H | September 15, 2008 2:19 PM
"I'm sorry. If you cannot articulate the Bush Doctrine, you are not qualified to appear on the menu at Le Bernadin."
Posted by: Richard H | September 15, 2008 2:21 PM
"I'm sorry. If you cannot articulate the Bush Doctrine, you are not qualified to appear on the menu at Le Bernardin."
Posted by: Richard H | September 15, 2008 2:22 PM
I'm sho shorry, but you're being shellfish doeshn't fit in here at the United Way.
Posted by: therblig | September 15, 2008 2:29 PM
"Well, I have always wanted to have a subordinate 'claws'".
Posted by: Rubrick | September 15, 2008 3:09 PM
"Did you get butter on your curriculum vitae?!"
Posted by: Mike F. | September 15, 2008 3:40 PM
Remember that old Get Smart gag - "Not craw, CRAW"? That was some funny shit. Well, I guess it would be if you didn't have craws, I mean claws, heh-heh.
Posted by: therblig | September 15, 2008 3:40 PM
“And what do you think of the Boulud Doctrine?”
Posted by: Richard H | September 15, 2008 3:41 PM
“Sorry for all the questions, but the head chef insists we thoroughly vet all the lobsters coming from Alaska.”
Posted by: Richard H | September 15, 2008 3:41 PM
'HLP! WITCH HS TRUNED ME NTO LBSTER' ...I'm terribly sorry, but I don't understand this note you've just handed me.
Posted by: Urgh | September 15, 2008 4:09 PM
"Exactly what was needed, Feeley : spies on the shore in Russia."
Posted by: Von Go | September 15, 2008 4:12 PM
"I lied to you. We're actually going to boil you alive."
Posted by: Richard H | September 15, 2008 4:15 PM
"Excellent, excellent ! ..Yes, you see, 'dropping the left' is the one big mistake all you 'rock ..er, I mean rookies, make."
Posted by: Von Go | September 15, 2008 4:28 PM
Are you, by chance, any relation to Todd Thermidor in Accounts Payable?
Posted by: kejo | September 15, 2008 4:33 PM
I'm not sure this film role is quite right for you. To be honest, I had expected Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. But you're not "The Rock." You're a rock...LOBSTER! Duh doot doot doot doot doo-doo-doo-doot!
Posted by: kejo | September 15, 2008 4:37 PM
"1)I should have been a pair of ragged claws 2)Scuttling across the floors of silent seas ! ....Chris'sake, Potter ! Why all the self-loathing ?!"
Posted by: Von Go | September 15, 2008 4:46 PM
"Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?"
Posted by: Tim H | September 15, 2008 4:58 PM
"Your left claw or my left claw?"
Posted by: dwilk | September 15, 2008 4:59 PM
"I don't mind telling you, you're one hot tamale."
Posted by: Kathy H | September 15, 2008 5:01 PM
"Yes, I entirely agree, Mr. Carapace. At this point formaldehy.. uh, that is to say FORMAL proceedings, need to be initiated."
Posted by: Von Go | September 15, 2008 5:02 PM
"Do you know anything about Gail in accounting getting hit in the back of the head with two gigantic rubber bands?"
Posted by: Damon | September 15, 2008 5:48 PM
" Over 700 "gooey-duck" circumcisions just last year! Really! How does hemorrhoid clinic sound to you? "
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | September 15, 2008 6:11 PM
Okay, I'm sure you have some very droll comment about being a giant lobster, but it's just going to have to wait till I finish masturbating.
Posted by: Mork | September 15, 2008 6:14 PM
"This might be a personal question, but if you start to get a little tubby around the holidays, does your exoskeleton get tight? I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but does it?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 15, 2008 7:02 PM
"This? This is just my office. The handicapped toilets are on the third and fifth floor. Goodbye and Godspeed!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 15, 2008 7:04 PM
"Your urine test came through with flying colors, the best I've ever seen. Mine shows maybe seven or eight pounds of military grade hallucinogens. Wheee, ha, ha, haaaa!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 15, 2008 7:07 PM
"O.K., O.K., you and your 'poetry' ! Huuum, let's see: 1)I should have been a pair of ragged claws 2)Scuttling across the floors of silent seas...? ..Hey, look ! One out of two ain't bad. ....Bitch !"
Posted by: Von Go | September 15, 2008 7:09 PM
"It's a sad truth, but I don't think Randy and Paula would work nearly as well without the contrapuntal element of Simon's acerbic wit. Anyway, you say you're Jewish?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 15, 2008 7:15 PM
"That to my right? Rye bread and no, you may not have it."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 15, 2008 7:18 PM
"I will concede that your massive erection is quite impressive, given the usual standards of your phylum; but I am seeing some gaps on your resume."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 15, 2008 7:20 PM
" 'Take me to your leader!' ? Is that it ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 15, 2008 7:28 PM
"Frankly, if it weren't for affirmative action, I wouldn't even think of hiring you as proctologist. But I guess you'll do. Meet me in the examination room in 5 minutes."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 15, 2008 7:37 PM
"You know, in your Match.com photo, you had more hair. And fewer legs. Oh, and fingers."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 15, 2008 7:49 PM
"Wow! I totally didn't think you'd be able to tie my bow tie."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 15, 2008 7:55 PM
(Whispers--inaudibly, 'natch'): "Where's a steaming hot barrel of coffee when you need it?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 15, 2008 8:07 PM
"Look, we here at 'The Chronicle' take the news seriously, so let's see if I get this story straight: you're claiming you were at 'Brennan's of Houston' the night of the storm --whereupon, suddenly, you write, 'all hell broke loose' ? Is that what you wish us to publish ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 15, 2008 8:43 PM
"It's funny, but your left claw looks more like a lobster cracker than a lobster claw."
"By the way, where's the end of your tail...........oooh, you poor sick son of a bitch."
Posted by: djack | September 15, 2008 8:45 PM
"So, you're saying that all people in New York can think about is pencils and desks, and the beverages on those desks, and job interviews and/or therapy sessions, and things that appear much larger than they should appear, and the sky, always that ominous, threatening sky. Well, no shit."
Posted by: djack | September 15, 2008 9:00 PM
Listen, this is hard for anyone to hear, I'm sure, but you're just not moving with the company anymore. You seem complacent as of late, and the decision has been made to let you go. I know, I know, Fenton, it's too bad, but I don't think we'll go boating this weekend anymore, either.
Posted by: Al Capp | September 15, 2008 9:02 PM
Are you alright, Dewitt? You haven't touched your glass of water.
Posted by: Al Capp | September 15, 2008 9:03 PM
"Ah, Miss Langostien- funny, you don't look Jewish. Now loosen my tie, you ruddy wench."
"Of course, I'm sorry. I should have made yours a salt water."
To self: "Why didn't I just get a normal stapler?"
Posted by: LV | September 15, 2008 9:10 PM
"That's a great costume, Denise, but when I said, 'I want to fuck you like an animal,' I was thinking more along the lines of something with nipples."
Posted by: louis lewis | September 15, 2008 10:10 PM
"Your comparison is not apt. When we hired Bree Walker she was a total hottie with a few fused fingers. You on the other hand are a hideously deformed monster wth actual claws."
Posted by: J.D. | September 15, 2008 10:23 PM
"Halves ! Halves on that 'submarine', you frigin' moron !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 15, 2008 10:23 PM
"I only wish the cartoonist had drawn some butter."
Posted by: al in la | September 15, 2008 10:57 PM
"Okay, your turn... two words... sounds like... misgusting biant crobster?"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 15, 2008 10:59 PM
This is a great screenplay! I would just like to change "crustacean" to "teenage girl," "Atlantic Ocean" to "summer camp," and "split alive and thrown into boiling water" to...oh, Hell. We'll keep that part!
Posted by: Steve_O | September 15, 2008 11:16 PM
"As your agent, I have to be honest with you. I know you don't want to be type cast, but... I let you audition for lead in Stuart Little, Ratatouille, and American Tale, but really. You just look like a two-bit lobster with a cheap rug. There's no shame in being what you are."
Posted by: Glime | September 15, 2008 11:38 PM
As my resume indicates, I majored in accounting, with a minor in art history.
Posted by: EmilyMil | September 16, 2008 12:28 AM
"I have to hand it to you, this may be the finest Lobster memoir I've ever read. I'll set up the book tour at once. What's that? Oprah? Alright, alright. Stop waving those claws. We'll get you on. Of course we'll have to do a fact check first. Say, where are you scuttling off to?"
Posted by: mort drucker | September 16, 2008 12:30 AM
"I don't care if you are 200 years old and know everything that has happened in this country. Nobody cares about the silly facts,"
Posted by: Kosmicki | September 16, 2008 1:32 AM
" Who ever had fond feelings for a PINK lobster? Immodestly genuflect all you like, you gay Commie whore!"
Posted by: Anonymous | September 16, 2008 1:37 AM
Paper Shredder.
Posted by: Brian L | September 16, 2008 1:56 AM
"The only difference between a bearded clam,a pit bull and beaver is not lipstick, it's the natural habitat."
Posted by: Kosmicki | September 16, 2008 2:29 AM
"OK, I've reworked your will, but I suggest you keep the clause about your Aunt Annie."
Posted by: LV | September 16, 2008 6:47 AM
"EEOC my ass. We only hire spiny lobsters. Get the fuck out, you clawed freak!"
Posted by: MAtt | September 16, 2008 9:36 AM
"I clear stated in our phone interview you were to bring a sufficient amount of clarified butter for me to dip you in. But since you couldn't handle that simple request it looks like you are headed for the afterlife in a cheap, mayonnaise-heavy seafood salad. You'll probably be served on store brand white bread. Such a waste. Next supplicant!"
Posted by: MAtt | September 16, 2008 9:47 AM
"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. . . . And now this."
Posted by: Galoux | September 16, 2008 9:49 AM
"Well, you can go for the human with drawn butter if you want, but I don't care what those scientists said . . . I think we feel pain when you drop us into boiling water."
Posted by: Galoux | September 16, 2008 9:52 AM
"Claude, I told you once already. Quit showing off. Nobody can see your wonderful biceps under all that exoskeleton."
Posted by: Galoux | September 16, 2008 10:03 AM
"Well, Geico has its gecko; and Lehman Bros was going to go with a lobster .... but now .... ."
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 16, 2008 10:21 AM
"It's least there's no black people here to see this."
or
"Tonight, we dine in HELL!"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | September 16, 2008 10:46 AM
"Yes, yes I can see that your depilatory is very effective, Miss Wentworth. That's nice. But don't ever show up to a business lunch naked again."
Posted by: Bou | September 16, 2008 11:30 AM
(Whispering): "Wouldn't you know ! No matches, no lighter just when 'good eating' shows up ! Shove marshmallows,wieners, and s'mores ! ...Frigin' office retards!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 16, 2008 11:55 AM
Reads: " 'As G..... S.... awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a monstrous insect.' -- For chris'sake, Caca, enough of your autobiographies ! ...Get out !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 16, 2008 12:42 PM
"You profile says you're bisque adverse."
Posted by: al in la | September 16, 2008 3:48 PM
I meant "Your profile...YOUR profile...
Posted by: Anonymous | September 16, 2008 3:50 PM
I never thought I would miss the day when I had a case of crabs.
Posted by: boneguy | September 16, 2008 3:54 PM
I need to cast a fly for "The Fly'. No amount of makeup is going to change that.
Posted by: boneguy | September 16, 2008 3:58 PM
"I don't mind telling you, Mr. Lobster, but you're one hard shell."
Posted by: Tim H | September 16, 2008 5:00 PM
"So, tell me, how is it living, y'know...down there?"
Posted by: Kathy H | September 16, 2008 5:01 PM
"And if I don't read this message on the 6 o'clock bulletin you'll do WHAT to my family?"
"Talk about a fish out of water!!!!!!!1!!"
"You lob stairs? Hmm.. may I have the name of your chiropractor?"
"So you'd prefer to be painted in water colors? I don't blame you; you're crustacean-ing up!"
"Deal- your wife's body for my toupee. You haven't killed it have you?"
Posted by: Donny | September 16, 2008 5:31 PM
The damn thing was unzipped all morning?
Posted by: F Fosdick | September 16, 2008 6:40 PM
The damn thing was unzipped all morning?
Posted by: F Fosdick | September 16, 2008 6:41 PM
Do I detect a Minnesota accent?
Posted by: F Fosdick | September 16, 2008 6:56 PM
"...and your nicknames are:
Lobster, Lobmeister, Lobstereeeno...?! So... 'lobster' IS a nickname... hmmmmm. Interesting..."
"And it says here that you have a fear of Buddah? OH... 'BUTTER!"
Posted by: Johnny V | September 16, 2008 7:00 PM
H-1 visa eh. That does present a problem.
Posted by: F Fosdick | September 16, 2008 7:07 PM
"I see you are applying for the 'Larger or Weirder than what you Normally See in an Office' spot on a New Yorker Caption Contest.' OH... you've put the Everolet Girl as a referrence. The last guy who interviewed tried to claim the 'The Incredibly Small Cavemen' as a referrence NOT KNOWING that Grog is my brother-in-law!"
Posted by: Johnny V | September 16, 2008 7:11 PM
"...your ad is being rejected because of the fact you've mentioned in the singles ad that you are 'looking for someone who will always be remembered because of their sweet tail.' Mr. Jones (if THAT is your REAL name!) That sounds TOO sextist for our publication!"
Posted by: Johnny V | September 16, 2008 7:16 PM
"Where in hell did you come from? And who the fuck is 'Brundleshrimp'?"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 16, 2008 7:52 PM
"Interesting! I'm a bottom-feeder myself!"
Posted by: Joshua | September 16, 2008 8:17 PM
"This word here–is that crustacean or castration?"
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | September 16, 2008 10:06 PM
"I'm sorry, you don't have a case against Woody Allen. Annie Hall was 30 years ago. Video evidence or not, the statute of lobstertations has run out.
Posted by: Alvy | September 16, 2008 10:22 PM
"Oh, Miss Hathaway! Could you please bring me a nutcracker and a bib?"
Posted by: Glenn | September 16, 2008 11:00 PM
Your entire family has disappeared one by one since you moved into an roomy new tank in an upscale restaurant? I'll get right on it!
Posted by: Mork | September 16, 2008 11:01 PM
"Listen, I'm your doctor. You keep gaining weight and you'll find yourself in hot water."
Posted by: al in la | September 17, 2008 5:02 AM
“How did you get past security without rubber bands?”
Posted by: dwilk | September 17, 2008 7:27 AM
"....yeah, but if you buy that one, you're going to be paying too much for toner...."
Posted by: Greg | September 17, 2008 8:23 AM
"......that's right.....and he does it constantly in the cubicle next to mine!"
Posted by: Greg | September 17, 2008 8:25 AM
".....listen....I just need more goddamned help down there!"
Posted by: Greg | September 17, 2008 8:28 AM
Cockroach? No, not really. Mr. Samsa, you appear to be a lobster.
Posted by: Alan Weld | September 17, 2008 10:41 AM
"You and your frigin' 'manuscripts' ! O.K., THE LIFE OF LOBSTERS --I'll bite: (Reads)'No tarts; no titties; no variety; and which is dir'st of all, continual fear, and threat of imm'nent death; and this life in 'lowers' solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short'. -- Chris'sake, Krusty, between you and Caca !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 17, 2008 1:22 PM
You might want to avoid touching the sides of my desk. My son just finished coloring it with an enormous Magic Marker.
Posted by: wildcat | September 17, 2008 7:33 PM
"You know Mary Ellen in the actuarials department? Yes, well it has been reported that you touched her in an inappropriate manner."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 17, 2008 7:34 PM
"Is the triune godhead an actual physical entity? Hmm? I'm speaking of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost, of course. Does the Entity exist in space and time (or out of the continuum) or is it to be viewed as a metaphor, a means by which the common person might grasp the concept of the Omnipotent? I'll grant that they two notions are not mutually exclusive but can the question be answered? To quote Pascal, 'We do not have truth, we have only perception.' yet still the question clings in a fashion most demanding. Forgive me for burdening you with this, but as the God of Lobsters, could you make some phone calls and get back to me? Yes, no?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 17, 2008 7:38 PM
"The next step up from Lobster Suit is Big Weinie Suit. But the Big Weinie job goes only to the man who is on fire for the job, the man who is obsessed with the job. What about you, Watson? Are you on fire?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 17, 2008 7:43 PM
"Great news! A new temp opportunity just opened up for a position terrifying and torturing naked people. Here's the address. There's a man inside with horns and a whip who will tell you what to do next."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 17, 2008 10:52 PM
Of course they're blurry, you moron, I took them from inside a lobster tank Now look, you said if I brought you a picture of your wife with another man you'd pay me 1000 clams. Now pay up or I'll cut your nuts off and drop them in drawn butter.
Posted by: Shawn | September 17, 2008 11:24 PM
"Lobster Neuberger Berman, I presume? HA HA! Ha. Uh ... I guess as a crustacean seeking a new position in the financial services industry, you've heard that one a lot this week? Sorry. MISS HATHAWAY!"
Posted by: Milan Starling | September 18, 2008 1:17 AM
"I still don't quite follow you. You want me to refer to this old contract and incorporate the same ... what? Help me out here. One word. Sounds like ... pincers? 'Incorporate the 'pincers' from the old contract?' What does that even mean?"
Posted by: Milan Starling | September 18, 2008 1:33 AM
"I will say this is a very original proposal but ... Oh my, how time flies when you take a meeting with a lobster! Just look over your left claw at the clock on the wall, will you? It's nearly &%$*%!"
Posted by: Milan Starling | September 18, 2008 1:42 AM
"BLAHBLAHBLAH..HAHA..BLAHBLAH..HAHAHA..BLAH..HAHAHAHA BLAH-HA BLAH-HA BLAH-HAAAA!!!"
Posted by: Anonymous | September 18, 2008 7:36 AM
"Just don't crap on my chair."
Posted by: Daniel | September 18, 2008 1:29 PM
"And exactly what do you think you can bring to Shell Oil, besides drawn butter?"
Posted by: Chef | September 18, 2008 1:33 PM
"It says here your name is Arthur O'Pod. Are you Irish? My family is Irish. Well, on my mother's side. My dad was a mollusk."
[Or, same as above but with "Nazi" for "mollusk". I can't decide.]
Posted by: Rubrick | September 18, 2008 1:39 PM
"Could you help get this pen out of my mouth? I bit down on it weird and it lodged vertically in my left cheek."
"A hundred copies of this invitation, please. I'm having you, your friends and family over for dinner."
Posted by: LR | September 18, 2008 2:58 PM
"Well, as big and meaty as you do appear, honestly we're looking for a little less 'surf' and little more 'turf.' Godspeed, though."
Posted by: Mike F. | September 18, 2008 7:39 PM
"Well, let's see here... It says you graduated first in your class at Sea World, that you did your post graduate studies at the University of Red Lobster specializing in melted butter, and that I seem to have forgotten my medication once again. Excellent."
Posted by: Ed C | September 18, 2008 8:19 PM
You seem pretty crabby for a lobster, pardon the expression.
Posted by: Ben c | September 18, 2008 9:06 PM
"You were living in Guantanamo Bay for how long?"
Posted by: Swaption | September 18, 2008 11:23 PM
"I'm not saying that at all. I just think you might be more comfortable at, um, Brandeis. Or BU. With your own kind."
Posted by: Joshua | September 18, 2008 11:59 PM
"Look, you got caught. Our only hope is say it was entrapment."
Posted by: al in la | September 19, 2008 12:26 AM
Yes, I probably WOULD scream if I was thrown in boiling water, but how is that relevant?
Posted by: Cpt. Clown | September 19, 2008 2:33 AM
"Very impressive, Governor, but what about your shorthand?"
Posted by: Swaption | September 19, 2008 11:51 AM
"If you think working for this company is tough, look out for our Japanese competitors. They will eat you alive!"
"Now that you've clawed your way to the top, you seem to be completely out of your element."
Posted by: David F | September 19, 2008 12:21 PM
" 'Arthropomorphism' at its most vulgar, Desney ! I assure such tentacles on Ms. Sullivan are in no way amusing."
Posted by: Von Go | September 19, 2008 1:21 PM
" 'Arthropomorphism' at its worst, Desney ! I assure you claws growing from a lady's ears will not amuse. ....Yikes !"
Posted by: Von Go | September 19, 2008 1:28 PM
It's not that it isn't clever, I just don't think America is ready for a "Got Milt?" ad campaign.
Posted by: therblig | September 19, 2008 3:18 PM
"Frankly, you're overqualified for this position. But thank you for coming in."
Posted by: maristeph | September 19, 2008 4:23 PM
"You're upset that I gave you crabs?!"
Posted by: maristeph | September 19, 2008 4:41 PM
Yes, these reports do look troubling.
Posted by: David | September 19, 2008 5:07 PM
"Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes? That's old news. What else you got?"
Posted by: al in la | September 19, 2008 5:56 PM
"Directions: lob, stir."
Posted by: Dave | September 19, 2008 6:43 PM
"What is it boy? Timmy... something happened to Timmy! Timmy smelled the bell? Timmy fell on Danielle? Timmy ... Timmy fell down the well!
Good work, boy! Let's go! Something else, boy? What else? There's something down in the well with Timmy? There's... a compliant lid? ... Kobe Bryant's kid? .... speak up, boy... a giant squid!! There's a giant squid in the well with Timmy!!
Come on, boy! Wait. Who in the fuck is Timmy?"
Posted by: Tommy | September 19, 2008 8:19 PM
"Change it to read: 'What the fuck happened to the hand with which I masturbate?' That makes it grammatically correct."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | September 19, 2008 11:26 PM
"Now I see the problem. I meant to type 'two blondes in cheerleader costumes' but I seem to have accidentally typed 'giant talking lobster.'"
Posted by: Joshua | September 20, 2008 5:55 PM
"The aquarium is down the street; this is a a paper manufacturing company."
Posted by: Trotman | September 20, 2008 6:10 PM
"You know, just from watching South Park episodes, I always thought that crab people were fictional characters. But I guess I was wrong. Indeed, crab people are very much real."
Posted by: Trotman | September 20, 2008 6:12 PM
Do you really mean to tell me you know nothing of why you are in here today?
Let me review the reports, then, one more time.
Complainant alleged that on February 10, 2008, at 9:15AM, a "crustacean" "bentic" and "invertebrate" member of our staff made a comment towards her to the effect of, "I would do anything to feed on that bottom" and then made a gesture with one of his "uropods" indicating that the complainant ought to raise her skirt.
On February 24, 2008, at 12:44 PM, above complainant did allege that she was at the copier when a large, red "specialized claw" did graze her left breast such as to make her feel as though the action was both intentional and premeditated.
On March 4, 2008, at 8:30 AM, said complainant did allege that said subject of report did attempt to place an "antennae" such that he could more easily view her undergarments.
I assure you, Mr. Loebstare, that we take sexual harassment in the work place very seriously and would hate to think that any of our employees would not be utterly forthcoming with us.
Posted by: Festrous | September 20, 2008 6:17 PM
" 'I am taunted by the 'blazays' of my victims.' ..Is that it ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 20, 2008 6:50 PM
" 'Taunted by the 'blazays' of your victims', are you ? ..Yes, you and a million other 'clowns' !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 20, 2008 7:32 PM
Truman Capote: I had lunch with Jimmy Baldwin the other day.
Lobster: How is he?
Truman Capote: He's lovely, he's a lovely man. And he told me the plot of his new book. And he said, "I just wanted to make sure it's not one of those problem novels," you know. And I said , "Jimmy. Your book is about a Negro homosexual who's in love with a Jew. Wouldn't you call that a problem?"
[Lobster laughs]
Posted by: Trotman | September 20, 2008 8:19 PM
"Why, of all the executive secretaries ever, Miss Klapper ! I'm reading here you're hoarse and feeling 'A.I.G. y' this morning ! For crying out loud, get out ! Go home !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 20, 2008 10:10 PM
So ... umm ... since you already are a lobster, can we dispense with the expensive dinner and skip right to the sex?
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | September 21, 2008 1:58 AM
"Dear Boss,
Lobsters are red, and crabs are so blue, put your hand in my claw, and I'll dismember you too."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | September 21, 2008 4:18 PM
"How did you manage to work at Goldman Sachs for two years?
A pair of Groucho glasses? Ha- that's clever. We may have a place for you here after all."
Posted by: Mike F. | September 21, 2008 4:22 PM
"And then the rabbi says: 'How the hell can a lobster act as a mohel?'"
Posted by: Dave | September 21, 2008 9:33 PM
"At that price, I'm not surprised you don't get that many lobsters."
Posted by: Dave | September 21, 2008 9:35 PM
"Sure, I'll have the lobster."
Posted by: Dave | September 21, 2008 9:36 PM
"I know you don't want to hear this, but I really don't think you can use ADA to sue the Van Cliburn Competition."
Posted by: Galoux | September 21, 2008 11:53 PM
"Is that a cigarette lying there near the edge of the table? You can't smoke in here! Are you INSANE?! This is NEW YORK!"
Posted by: Bou | September 21, 2008 11:58 PM
"This is the first time that I've ever gotten a LobsterGram."
Posted by: John Tabin | September 22, 2008 1:44 AM
"This is most awkward. I'd always heard that what happens in Cape Cod stays in Cape Cod."
Posted by: J.D. | September 22, 2008 3:58 AM
"Lobster? I hardly even know'er!"
Posted by: Harry | September 22, 2008 3:56 PM
"Do you know anything about Gail in accounting getting hit in the back of the head with two gigantic rubber bands?"
Posted by: Damon | September 15, 2008 05:48 PM
This is the winner.
Posted by: Etheline Berenbaum | September 23, 2008 2:22 PM