The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #160
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
Winner
"The devil you can get rid of; it's cat piss that never goes away." — Weller
Finalists
"The worst part is that Jesus is hiding in the closet, masturbating." —louis lewis
"No, Hell on earth is not really a metaphor when it comes to mortgages and the banking system. With fractional reserve lending your bank only needs to have 10% of your mortgage loan on deposit. It creates the other 90% out of thin air. You on the other hand must pay back the entire principle plus interest with money that represents actual labor.
Worse yet, to meet fractional reserve requirements your bank borrows "money" from the Federal Reserve, which creates 100% of it out of thin air as it has no reserves whatsoever.
Even worse, the US government also borrows "money" from the Federal Reserve, which it pays back with interest from the proceeds of the personal income tax.
Worse still, the US Constitution states the government should simply create money on its own -- no mention of borrowing it at interest from some self-appointed private central bank. Lincoln tried that, as did Kennedy. I guess we know what happened to them. The people controlling the central banks own everything, including most world leaders." —J.D.
Honorable Mention
"Do you want to witness for Jehovah or not? Time to get your feet wet, people!" —Eusless Tilley
Comments
"On the plus side, if you're Mormon every so often his brother Jesus comes to visit. Um, are you Mormon?"
Posted by: J.D. | September 8, 2008 9:32 AM
“You’re in Suburban Hell, in case you haven’t figured that out already.”
“The current owners are panderers and seducers. Much cleaner than the flatterers. Never buy a flatterers’ home.” (shudder)
Posted by: Deborah | September 8, 2008 9:40 AM
"This 'No Negroes' thing is getting harder to do without making certain concessions."
Posted by: J.D. | September 8, 2008 9:40 AM
"For an extra $10k we can remove the flaming orgy before settlement. I can see you folks are broad-minded types, though."
Posted by: Pseudonym | September 8, 2008 9:44 AM
"A hundred years ago our company began when Arthur's Banker merged with Colbert's Coldwell. Hahaha. Ever play that game? Here's a couple classics: Vanessa's Redgrave and Peter's O'Toole. Hahaha. Now you try. Wait I got two more: Barack's Obama and John's McCain. Damn, don't get me started ..."
Posted by: J.D. | September 8, 2008 9:47 AM
Don't worry, the Palin's will be out by the end of the week.
Posted by: Matt D | September 8, 2008 9:52 AM
(Almost too obvious for the real contest)
"It's a hell of a deal"
Posted by: djack | September 8, 2008 9:55 AM
"This is what you get when you marry your twin. Have a nice afterlife."
Posted by: djack | September 8, 2008 10:04 AM
No, the current owner is CEO of *SOUL* Trader Joe's . . .
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | September 8, 2008 10:06 AM
"Except for my commission, I can sell you this repossessed baby for free."
Posted by: Swaption | September 8, 2008 10:08 AM
The sellers are very motivated...they have one of those sub sub sub *sub* prime loans...
Posted by: simsburybear | September 8, 2008 10:12 AM
They're moving to a bigger house. Why did you *think* they were selling?
Posted by: Tom | September 8, 2008 10:26 AM
Him? He's the seller's agent. I wouldn't recommend trying to get him to reduce his commission.
Posted by: Tom | September 8, 2008 10:27 AM
Yeah, it has no gutters, but really that's the only drawback *I" can think of. Fortunately, it never rains here in Hell.
Posted by: Tom | September 8, 2008 10:28 AM
edit:
Yeah, it has no gutters, but really that's the only drawback *I" can think of. And fortunately, it never rains here in Hell.
Posted by: Tom | September 8, 2008 10:29 AM
"Hell?? No, that's just graffiti. The entrance is round the corner you one-eyed goons!"
"Yes, the phallic steps are included."
Posted by: Donny | September 8, 2008 10:38 AM
It's the lowest price you'll find in this neighborhood, and we can close today if you're willing to kiss the anus of a goat.
Posted by: kejo | September 8, 2008 10:41 AM
"Sub-prime, reduced rate, no fees, blah blah blah...Ah, screw it. Just give me your souls and you can have it."
Posted by: mort drucker | September 8, 2008 10:46 AM
"No, Hell on earth is not really a metaphor when it comes to mortgages and the banking system. With fractional reserve lending your bank only needs to have 10% of your mortgage loan on deposit. It creates the other 90% out of thin air. You on the other hand must pay back the entire principle plus interest with money that represents actual labor.
Worse yet, to meet fractional reserve requirements your bank borrows "money" from the Federal Reserve, which creates 100% of it out of thin air as it has no reserves whatsoever.
Even worse, the US government also borrows "money" from the Federal Reserve, which it pays back with interest from the proceeds of the personal income tax.
Worse still, the US Constitution states the government should simply create money on its own -- no mention of borrowing it at interest from some self-appointed private central bank. Lincoln tried that, as did Kennedy. I guess we know what happened to them. The people controlling the central banks own everything, including most world leaders."
Posted by: Anonymous | September 8, 2008 10:47 AM
"...and you'll save a bundle on heating costs."
Posted by: mort drucker | September 8, 2008 10:48 AM
^long one mine. I always take credit when discussing psychotic trillionaires.
Posted by: J.D. | September 8, 2008 10:49 AM
Welcome to Dick Cheney's sketch pad. This page is titled, "Me In My Dream House."
Posted by: JR | September 8, 2008 10:49 AM
"Really? You're sure? Because, you know, it comes with giant meatballs."
"Yeah. Faaa-laming!"
"They're bronze medallists."
Posted by: Anonymous | September 8, 2008 10:58 AM
"Yes, the Judgment Day cast of the local First Baptist Church is included with the house."
Posted by: RD | September 8, 2008 11:00 AM
"Of course, it would be your option to remplace the colorful fresco on the front wall with a conventional picture window, but I remind you, it's an original Neiman!"
Posted by: Vance | September 8, 2008 11:09 AM
"Uh, whoops, did I say 'remplace'? All right, all right, I admit it! I'm actually French! This horrible scenario was just a pathetic attempt to distract from my shameful secret."
Posted by: Vance | September 8, 2008 11:10 AM
"This little 'Brimstone Bungalow' has a lot going for it. Notice the open door and the absence of Sloman's security stickers? And how the fire burns and burns but never leaves a mark? That's some damn good reasons to buy..er, I mean, what a lovely home, eh?
Posted by: mort drucker | September 8, 2008 11:11 AM
"No, it doesn't have seven levels. It's clearly a ranch-style house. I have no idea why you'd even ask that question."
Posted by: DanMc | September 8, 2008 11:17 AM
"We may only enter after having committed an unconfessed mortal sin. Let us commit sodomy now upon each other so as to expedite matters."
Posted by: J.D. | September 8, 2008 11:26 AM
People always notice the wallpaper first, but wait till you see the ceiling.
Posted by: Brian L | September 8, 2008 11:28 AM
"Seriously, despite all the fire, those buses are never consumed. And voices come from them. The former owner, assumed that was God."
"That's not stucco, it's brimstone. Good insulation."
Posted by: JohnnyB | September 8, 2008 11:28 AM
"From the back windows there's a glorious view of the River Styx."
"The current tenants have been there for some time -- seems like an eternity."
"They're asking for your soul, but I think I can talk them down to your ethics and family values."
Posted by: JohnnyB | September 8, 2008 11:33 AM
"This baby is priced to sell. And how many houses still come with a 'Sodomy' room?"
"I hate shrubs, too. Let's go look at some condos."
"...updated kitchen, family room, I fucked your wife, large backyard, in-ground pool, she begged for more, new roof, does she let you go 'ass-to-mouth' too?, and the appliances are included. Why don't you think it over while I pick up your daughter from school?"
"My master - uh, the seller is not asking for a cash down payment. He prefers virgins. Who is he kidding, right! Virgins? Not in this town. Just throw him a liquored-up homeless guy. They're like a screaming and dancing Molotov Cocktail!"
Posted by: MAtt | September 8, 2008 11:35 AM
"Those people are all going to burn alive."
Posted by: thecitydesk | September 8, 2008 11:38 AM
Looks like they're having an unscheduled open house - we can come back later if you like. And don't worry, very few offers are ever made at one of these.
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 8, 2008 12:05 PM
The Palins will be out by November.
Posted by: Richard H | September 8, 2008 12:12 PM
The house is currently being rented on a month-to-month basis by a Mr. K. Rove.
Posted by: Richard H | September 8, 2008 12:16 PM
According to the pastor at Governor Palin's church we are all going to burn in hell. The Ryan's just wanted to get a head start.
Posted by: Richard H | September 8, 2008 12:18 PM
With a hot property like this we don't need to conduct a fire sale. In fact, you're getting a hell of a deal. Ha ha. Excuse me. Not everyone finds 'broker humor' funny.
Posted by: Richard H | September 8, 2008 12:20 PM
No chimney? I'm sure you could add a chimney.
Posted by: Richard H | September 8, 2008 12:20 PM
“The rest of the neighborhood is quiet. Those are the rest of the neighbors.”
Posted by: dwilk | September 8, 2008 12:53 PM
Oh, no, the Lawrences aren't bad people. Just very bad housekeepers with phenomenally poor judgment.
Posted by: Mark | September 8, 2008 1:02 PM
I don't get this one - it's just a drawing of an empty house, with a big picture window, and an open door. I can't see anything going on inside. Can you?
Posted by: Damon | September 8, 2008 1:08 PM
Anon 10:58 am is me
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 8, 2008 1:15 PM
"I understand your concerns with the front lawn, but with a little hard work I think that this garden could really look nice."
Posted by: Trotman | September 8, 2008 1:49 PM
"Apparently the previous owner complained of heating problems."
Posted by: Trotman | September 8, 2008 1:50 PM
"Well this is a Jewish neighborhood."
Posted by: Trotman | September 8, 2008 1:51 PM
"I'm sorry, did you say you wanted a 'lakeside view'? I thought you said 'lake-of-fire room'. My mistake."
Posted by: Francis | September 8, 2008 2:01 PM
"Or did you mean the neighborhood Hell's Kitchen?"
Posted by: Francis | September 8, 2008 2:03 PM
"Actually, the house is free. The $17 million is for the Bosch."
Posted by: Joshua | September 8, 2008 2:11 PM
"Actually, yes, this house was originally a Pizza Hut. You're very astute."
Posted by: wildcat | September 8, 2008 2:22 PM
"Ah, good, I'll be able to introduce you to both Fannie and Freddie."
Posted by: RichM | September 8, 2008 2:24 PM
"I know what you're thinking - but those are the GUEST bloggers."
Posted by: RichM | September 8, 2008 2:28 PM
"I'm terribly sorry. I thought this house was available for a walk-through at this time, but it looks like there's some sort of wild sex party going on. There must have been a scheduling mixup. Again, I apologize."
"If it's okay with you, I'm going to wait out here. This shit freaks me out."
Posted by: Rubrick | September 8, 2008 2:32 PM
Well sir, unfortunately your second-cousin's baby daddy did not put you on the list. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave before you make a scene.
Posted by: Teddy | September 8, 2008 2:56 PM
I can see the concern on your faces and I think I understand. There's not much privacy when you have a huge picture window with a short front lawn... Am I right?!
Posted by: Stoo | September 8, 2008 3:24 PM
"So, are you Rapture Ready?"
"Not to worry, the tenants are being evicted as we speak."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 8, 2008 3:46 PM
And the refrigerator has a built in ice maker. ...Just kidding.
Posted by: Urgh | September 8, 2008 3:50 PM
"The houses here are aflame."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 8, 2008 3:53 PM
"I'm sorry to be blunt, but this is the best you can afford."
Posted by: David | September 8, 2008 4:22 PM
"Funnily enough the lack of a number on this house has never caused anyone a problem. Must be one lucky place!"
Posted by: Donny | September 8, 2008 4:27 PM
"So you thought your cross-dressing ways could fool me? Nu-uh pussy cats; yous a-gonna BUUURRRNN!!!"
Posted by: Donny | September 8, 2008 4:31 PM
"More of a 'starter home', perhaps, than anything that might be considered an 'ender'. In its favor is the sturdy and virtually fire-proof construction....we all know what insurance has become."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 8, 2008 4:34 PM
"Boy, is this awkward."
Posted by: Astrid | September 8, 2008 4:48 PM
"...but it does have granite countertops.."
Posted by: Greg | September 8, 2008 5:07 PM
"....as you can see, "Owner Motivated to Hell" was not a typo....."
Posted by: Greg | September 8, 2008 5:10 PM
"This one's small, but it does have a full basement."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 8, 2008 5:11 PM
" The previous owner was Hieronymus bosch....Why do you ask? "
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | September 8, 2008 5:31 PM
Yes it's still preferable to a condo.
Posted by: F Fosdick | September 8, 2008 5:57 PM
"Looks like Rosemary's baby is all grown up and living in West Nyack. But not for long, apparently."
Posted by: Dave | September 8, 2008 6:24 PM
The devil you can get rid of; it's cat piss that never goes away.
Posted by: Weller | September 8, 2008 6:28 PM
"Sheer phantasmagoria, folks! Nothing solid there. Leased for months by an insidious cell of the worst possible cartoon caption writers. Familiar with the French saying, 'It's worse than a crime, it's beastliness'? ..My translation, to be sure."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 8, 2008 6:39 PM
"As an inducement to purchase, 'Morgan' will throw in full year's coverage on your electric bill...but remember, psychologists have determined that all 'heat stroke' to date here is as the result of psychosomatic factors."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 8, 2008 6:55 PM
They throw a hell of a party.
Posted by: therblig | September 8, 2008 6:55 PM
"The premises has seen almost unbroken occupancy by a series of anomalously appearing parties of the opposite sex. ..Your son, Mrs. Gomoreau ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 8, 2008 7:13 PM
Do either of you smoke?
Posted by: F Fosdick | September 8, 2008 7:18 PM
We'll have them credit you for new gutters.
Posted by: F Fosdick | September 8, 2008 7:21 PM
"It's 'ambiance' the neighborhood-association very much discountenances. The previous owners had stopped at roasting wieners, marshmallows, and s'mores indoors, over burning pieces of furniture."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 8, 2008 7:30 PM
"What th--"
Posted by: Dave | September 8, 2008 7:32 PM
"Plenty of Old World charm"
Posted by: Dave | September 8, 2008 7:33 PM
"It's not everyone's cup of brimstone."
Posted by: Dave | September 8, 2008 7:35 PM
"Looks like someone let Uncle Beelzebub out of the basement again. Heh-heh."
Posted by: Dave | September 8, 2008 7:37 PM
"There's only one story, But it's a hell of a story."
Posted by: Dave | September 8, 2008 7:40 PM
College town.
Posted by: LK | September 8, 2008 7:55 PM
Ellen's thought caption:
"The front steps are so not up to code. They must must be at least a foot high each. You could kill yourself falling off those."
Jim's thought caption:
"The roof looks nice. Really nice."
Posted by: djack | September 8, 2008 8:50 PM
It might seem unpleasant when he flays your skin, gouges your eyes, and then skullfucks you. But just remember that the school district is really good.
Posted by: Steve_O | September 8, 2008 9:10 PM
I should probably also tell you that both neighbors are registered sex offenders.
Posted by: Steve_O | September 8, 2008 9:11 PM
To be honest, this neighborhood has gone to hell since the Mexicans moved in.
Posted by: Steve_O | September 8, 2008 9:12 PM
The neighborhood S&M club spares no expense here in Hollywood.
Posted by: Steve_O | September 8, 2008 9:12 PM
Neewollah Orrazib
Posted by: David F | September 8, 2008 9:15 PM
"I think the joke was supposed to be that Satan is responsible for the housing crisis, but we got a little sidetracked trying to sneak in a nipple."
Posted by: Dave | September 8, 2008 9:26 PM
"Close the door! Air conditioning isn't free, you know!
I'm sorry, you were saying?"
Posted by: Vlad | September 8, 2008 9:29 PM
"Did you catch that? A gentle whiff, a touch of autumn in the air?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:01 PM
"They're asking for your eternal soul upfront, but I'm confident we can drive them down to an extended stay in purgatory."
"Ah, split-devil living."
Posted by: mkc | September 8, 2008 10:16 PM
"Ba'al Azeamut, Lord of Psymoners is a crackerjack handyman, and Mrs. Azeamut are pretty darn houseproud--this baby is in terrific shape!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:18 PM
"He pinky-swore to me he'd be out by Tuesday."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:19 PM
"The neighborhood grade-school teaches Creationism, bans J.K. Rowling...so you get this. It's kind of a package deal."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:23 PM
"My own Weeguns conceal cloven hooves--nobody's perfect."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:25 PM
"After He was placed in the tomb of Nicodemus, Christ pulled up to the curb here, got busy with the weed whacker and the grout, got the lawn looking tip-top and was the first on the block to have vynal siding. Since that First Easter, though, property values have taken a little dip."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:28 PM
"I hope you don't mind waiting. A Mr. Dante will be along shortly to guide you though the open house."
Posted by: mort drucker | September 8, 2008 10:28 PM
Obviously there's an under current of fear but I think you'll like suburban life.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 8, 2008 10:29 PM
"Do you want to witness for Jehovah or not? Time to get your feet wet, people!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:29 PM
"It is Burl Ives. He took up horns and whipping after he died."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:32 PM
"Jiffy Pop pops corn in minutes!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:34 PM
"When the Goldbergs owned it, it was just a 2BR,1 1/2 BA, ranch w. full base and a shoal to which listless souls clung like wind blown rags on a barbed fence."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 10:37 PM
"666 Six Hundred Sixty Sixth Street--yep, this is the place."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | September 8, 2008 10:50 PM
"Life takes Visa. For everything else there's Mastercard!"
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 8, 2008 10:51 PM
"Zoning laws are very loose here. Loose, as in 'Luc-i-fer.'
Ha ha. That's killer stuff! And I'm already dead. Now get in there you stiffs!"
Posted by: mort drucker | September 8, 2008 10:52 PM
"Where's the appreciation ?! I thought and judged it for your best You followed me and I would be your guide And lead you hence through the eternal place, Where you should hear the desperate lamentations, Should see the ancient spirits disconsolate, Who cried out each one for the second death. ...I mean, come on !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 8, 2008 10:52 PM
"Frigin' refs ! Don't you know 'blown calls' cost the SAINTS more than one game last year ? ..Yeah, go on, go on--BUURRRNNNN !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 8, 2008 11:14 PM
"This house was more subtle when Edward Gorey drew it."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | September 8, 2008 11:26 PM
"They believe that drinking giant mugs of coffee can help to prevent liver disease."
[true]
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 8, 2008 11:29 PM
"Think location, location, location."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 8, 2008 11:57 PM
"HOLY SHIT! CALL 911!"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 9, 2008 12:35 AM
Perhaps, potential closers, I might win you over now with a joke most apropos about the housing market! Aha! Aha! Ha!
Posted by: Al Capp | September 9, 2008 12:55 AM
Okay, well last time I was here it had bay windows, so I'm sorry if I misled you as far as lighting was concerned.
Posted by: Al Capp | September 9, 2008 12:57 AM
What? What did you ask me? Did you ask me something? Did you have a question about the house? Were there questions you were going to ask? Were you concerned about the school district? Because we're in a great school district. Is that what you asked?
Posted by: Al Capp | September 9, 2008 1:02 AM
I don't want to come off as too liberal or pc, but thus far the complaints you two have expressed about the state of the property in the course of the open house fall mainly into the category of prejudice and racism, and frankly, I don't know that you're the kind of people Century One HIllsdale MI wishes to do business with.
Posted by: Al Capp | September 9, 2008 1:11 AM
What, did you want there to be nudity?
Posted by: Al Capp | September 9, 2008 1:12 AM
"Y'know, what with all the fire and the screaming and the brimstone and the agony and the nakedness and the running around like naked idiots on fire, you gotta wonder... does he really need the whip?"
Posted by: Vance | September 9, 2008 1:48 AM
"We do not torment. What you're seeing are enhanced damnation techniques."
Posted by: Joshua | September 9, 2008 3:28 AM
"You must have been misinformed. God actually hates straights."
Posted by: Joshua | September 9, 2008 3:38 AM
"And number 4 on my property listing is simply described as 'Abu Creampuff.'"
Posted by: RichM | September 9, 2008 9:52 AM
"Raises an interesting metaphysical question, doesn't it ? Kid at the door, can't be more than eleven, can he ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 9, 2008 11:19 AM
"Stephen King ain't got squat on Cheney !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 9, 2008 11:48 AM
"No, the anal rapings only occur 9 or 10 times a day, but as I said, the selling price has already been knocked down to reflect that"
"I don't think the lack of closet space should deter you from buying it"
Posted by: Captain A. Clown | September 9, 2008 12:01 PM
"Ah Hell..."
Posted by: JungleCat | September 9, 2008 12:09 PM
"It's a little overpriced, sure, but I bet I can use the power of Christ to compel him to lower it."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 9, 2008 12:11 PM
"Oh, we're in luck. I just realized we're actually here to look at 261 Landers, that house next door."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | September 9, 2008 12:15 PM
I just realized that the anti-caption has been around long enough to have it's own, "Jeez, what an asshole." It's either:
"It's least there's no black people here to see this."
or
"Tonight, we dine in HELL!"
So, considered them submitted for this and all future contests.
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | September 9, 2008 12:17 PM
"Here's the last one you wanted to see- the one-story brimstone."
"Well, it may contain a touch of asbestos, but just look at that flame resistance!"
"This is where Sen. McCain wanted to follow Obama and Biden, I mean, Osama bin Laden: his forgotten house in a nice gated community."
Posted by: LV | September 9, 2008 12:46 PM
"So, would you like to buy this house?"
Posted by: Ted | September 9, 2008 1:09 PM
"Beelzie, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you expecting me to sell this place?"
Posted by: LV | September 9, 2008 1:32 PM
“Keep in mind the price is negotiable.”
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 9, 2008 2:14 PM
"This house was once owned by a little old lady from Pasadena. She was a whore."
Posted by: Anonymous | September 9, 2008 2:43 PM
"Yes, I noticed. Kid can't be more than thirteen tops...Buck teeth...Almost cute ! ..But hey, it's not a far cry, is it, from Justice Scalia's position toward minors to Satan's ? ....But getting back, we could refer you to an excellent exorcist...for half fee."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 9, 2008 5:49 PM
"Cheney ain't got squat on Cheney --think about it."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 9, 2008 6:01 PM
"That's Century 21 BC."
Posted by: dwilk | September 9, 2008 7:49 PM
"It's been like this since Santorum was voted out."
Posted by: Ben M | September 9, 2008 8:31 PM
Of course I mentioned that Satan lives here. And whips people.
Posted by: Ostrich Heaven | September 9, 2008 8:58 PM
"What the fuck? I can't even see what's going on in there."
Posted by: Anonymous | September 9, 2008 9:08 PM
"Who knew ?! Falwell was onto something !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 9, 2008 9:12 PM
"I call this piece 'The Amerikkkan Dream, 2008'.
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 9, 2008 11:25 PM
"Don't worry about it."
"Whoops, sorry, this is my house."
"It's warm."
Posted by: Lynne P | September 9, 2008 11:58 PM
Before you ask, yes, you are dead. And I know this wasn't exactly what you expected.
Posted by: Kevin E. | September 10, 2008 12:32 AM
"Yeah, I know it's a buyer's market, but you've got to see the bathroom--it's tiled entirely in human teeth and bone!"
Posted by: Kevin E. | September 10, 2008 12:38 AM
"Jesus Christ! That's him, see? Across the street. What a great guy. He would literally die for you. I shit you not."
Posted by: Kiki | September 10, 2008 12:45 AM
"I see the furnace guy is here early."
Posted by: Mo Buck | September 10, 2008 10:06 AM
"Now that's what I call curb appeal!"
Posted by: xjvpastor | September 10, 2008 10:37 AM
(1) "As you can see, this is the Jewish neighborhood."
(2) "You think THIS is Hell? Try growing up in the projects like I did!"
Posted by: Jacob C | September 10, 2008 11:16 AM
"They shot a few scenes for 'The Bad Seed' here in the '50s. Spielberg came back three decades later and did some 'Poltergeist' here....all which raises the valuation, you understand. I mean, just suppose (I know it's a bit far-fetched) Polanski had brought 'Rosemary's Baby' here...You're talking a tour 'must-see' !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | September 10, 2008 12:02 PM
"My friends, you may be upset about this tableau, but listen: I spent five years in a place where I had no kitchen table, no kitchen, no house, and I was tortured repeatedly. Although admittedly, there were no flames or a guy in a devil's outfit whipping everybody into a frenzy, so I guess it evens out."
Posted by: Vance | September 10, 2008 12:54 PM
"They say de Kooning once lived across the street...which raises the asking price, as well."
Posted by: Von Go | September 10, 2008 1:36 PM
"We to the place have come, where I have told you You should behold the people dolorous Who have foregone the good of intellect--doodling, caption-writing, you name it !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 10, 2008 1:54 PM
"It's hot in the summer, but it's also hot in the winter. Oh so hot! Oh so hot!! Praise Jeezus!"
Posted by: Mike F. | September 10, 2008 4:30 PM
"You did say you wanted to move to a neighborhood where you could leave your door unlocked."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 10, 2008 5:44 PM
"I know buying a house is a very stressful experience, and here I am showing you the worst place possible -- yes, that is THE Satan whipping and burning a bunch of innocent people. Crazy bastard. But, I still have to ask... are you two mother and son? Because, if not, your wife is old, dude. I mean, cobwebs in her cooter old."
Posted by: JR | September 10, 2008 6:36 PM
We'll take it!
Posted by: EmilyMil | September 10, 2008 7:04 PM
"...and here we have a ranch-style two bed...oh my god satan is in there whipping a handful of naked people and the house is on fire...let's get out of here."
Posted by: simms | September 10, 2008 8:25 PM
"...and here we have a ranch-style two bed...oh my god Satan is in there whipping a handful of naked people and the house is on fire...this is so very unexpected, let's go ahead and move to the next house I was planning on showing you today."
Posted by: simms | September 10, 2008 8:27 PM
"Wow, great Van Halen video on their giant screen TV!"
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | September 10, 2008 9:19 PM
"Ouch! That indoor weenie roast must really hurt."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | September 10, 2008 9:21 PM
"I grew up here. My parents were atheists. Hi Mom and Dad!"
Posted by: Swaption | September 10, 2008 9:39 PM
"The owner's name? Helen."
Posted by: Swaption | September 10, 2008 10:07 PM
"Jesus Christ, people, it's Halloween. Are you interested or not?"
Posted by: Glenn | September 10, 2008 10:32 PM
"They forgot to give the Devil his due on the first day of the month. In Hell, there are no grace periods."
Posted by: Swaption | September 10, 2008 10:33 PM
"Yes, it is haunted. By the souls of my victims - ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Posted by: njtotx | September 10, 2008 10:38 PM
"Heck of a deal."
Posted by: Harry | September 11, 2008 12:59 AM
"HOA just wants to make sure we keep the neighborhood family friendly."
Posted by: Brian L | September 11, 2008 1:07 AM
Or, I should say:
"It's a heck of a deal."
Yeah, that'll be my official entry, ignore the other one.
Posted by: Harry | September 11, 2008 1:13 AM
"You said you wanted to live in Suffern."
Posted by: al in la | September 11, 2008 2:57 AM
"This one has a scourge pending."
Posted by: dwilk | September 11, 2008 7:33 AM
"It all started when Goldie Locks moved in with three bare naked ladies."
Posted by: Swaption | September 11, 2008 11:35 AM
"The worst part is that Jesus is hiding in the closet, masturbating."
Posted by: louis lewis | September 11, 2008 1:18 PM
"Whoa: 'Caveat emptor'! That's dry, son. Ever think of writing cartoon captions ? ..THE NEW YORKER could use the help....frigin' vitiated 'windbags'!"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 11, 2008 9:38 PM
"...and John and Cindy McCain live within three blocks of this listing (I know that may seem a bit far-fetched); but they never seem to stay long, them with all those other properties ! What ? Seven ? Eight ? Nine ? Frigin' press never gets anything straight ! I mean, take that 'crock' about Palin quashing that 'nowhere bridge'! You think Brian 'slickie' Williams gonna say anything ? Russe.. uh, wait, he's dead ! ...So where was I ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 11, 2008 10:06 PM
"I register people who have sex that offends me. The two of you, for example."
Posted by: Subjunctive | September 11, 2008 10:21 PM
"They came in a helicopter."
Posted by: Subjunctive | September 11, 2008 10:26 PM
"Until it sells, the owners are renting it out for the filming of _Swingtown--with Balls._
Posted by: Galoux | September 11, 2008 11:34 PM
"I'm not supposed to tell you this, but that's the owners' Verizon network in there."
Posted by: Galoux | September 11, 2008 11:40 PM
"You can fill a bland split level with a hot orgy, but it's still a bland split level. Hahaha, that was a joke about your wife's pussy, get it? Hahaha."
Posted by: J.D. | September 12, 2008 4:05 AM
"It's $318,254 as is. Sticker shock, I know. If we were to clean out all the fun and excitement, that would knock it down to $277,184, but you'd likely be outbid by all the Satanists who are retiring."
Posted by: Mike F. | September 12, 2008 10:54 AM
"Apparently Alan Ball is turning it into an HBO series."
Posted by: gray | September 12, 2008 11:07 AM
It's a dream house for the s&m couple.
Posted by: Padma | September 12, 2008 1:39 PM
And I'll throw in the moans of agony for free.
Posted by: Padma | September 12, 2008 1:45 PM
Damn it all to hell! I told them to mow the lawn!
Posted by: Padma | September 12, 2008 1:48 PM
Of course you'll have to evict the tennants yourself.
Posted by: Padma | September 12, 2008 2:12 PM
"He's selling because the lawn keeps him up at night whispering 'Cheney'."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 12, 2008 3:42 PM
God damn it. I told them to clean the bird shit off the front walk. I'm trying to make a sale here.
Posted by: JR | September 12, 2008 5:23 PM
This only happens on Fridays. And if you think this is disturbing, come back tomorrow. Saturdays, two midget clowns hide in those bushes and rub one out as you come out to get the morning paper. Then they sneak inside, lock you out, and tag-team your wife until nightfall. It's wild.
Posted by: JR | September 12, 2008 5:29 PM
Would you believe that this is a "Heaven & Hell" party and that there are free blowjobs up in the attic? No? Then I've got nothing.
Posted by: JR | September 12, 2008 5:34 PM
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac go house hunting in hell.
Posted by: Dave | September 12, 2008 7:34 PM
Satan may BE a cock sucking douche bag, but he's OUR cock scucking douche bag.
Posted by: boneguy | September 12, 2008 9:50 PM
Frankly, the neighbourhood has gone south since Hugo Chavez moved in.
Posted by: boneguy | September 12, 2008 9:52 PM
Look folks, we have have things we regret. But don't let not buying this house be one of them.
Posted by: Shawn | September 12, 2008 10:08 PM
"The souls do not convey."
Posted by: Shawn | September 12, 2008 10:09 PM
That should be:
"Look folks, we all have things we regret doing. But don't let not buying this house be one of them.
(too much wine)
Posted by: Shawn | September 12, 2008 10:36 PM
"Okay Mr & Mrs Taxpayer, get in there and bail them out."
Posted by: al in la | September 13, 2008 1:51 AM
Either it's a PTSD clinic or everyone who comes here gets PTSD. Let me check my notes and I'll get back to you on that one.
Posted by: boneguy | September 13, 2008 9:25 AM
"Do those shrubs stay green year round?"
"Whoever planted those shrubs should burn in Hell!"
Posted by: xjvpastor | September 13, 2008 10:51 AM
"So what are you waiting for? Take off your clothes and get in there!"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 13, 2008 12:15 PM
You thought we were raping you with the interest rate, just wait til you literally get sodomized by that guy with the whip!
Posted by: Ed C | September 13, 2008 4:54 PM
"...so the schools here are excellent, if you're planning a family, they really are the best in the city. It's only three blocks to- say, neither of you have turned your back on Christ, have you?"
Posted by: Ed C | September 13, 2008 4:57 PM
"God's will has provided natural gas to fuel the Devil's playground. Ironic, clean, and cheaper than electric, isn't it?"
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | September 13, 2008 5:11 PM
"It's Halloween. It's Detroit. It's yours."
Posted by: dwilk | September 13, 2008 9:39 PM
"The flames obscure Satan's boner, but I see they don't obscure yours, sir. Or apparently yours, either, madam."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | September 14, 2008 1:38 AM
"It was built above an old Indian burial ground- do you have a problem with that?"
Posted by: Mike F. | September 14, 2008 11:18 AM
"Smart ! Now she's going to open the back door and the draft will take the whole place out !"
Posted by: Sam L. | September 14, 2008 12:50 PM
"Come out with your hands up."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 14, 2008 12:57 PM
"Them ? What we call 'teflon Bushes'. Never 'buurrrnnn', not in the hottest Texas summers ! ....No chance."
Posted by: Von Go | September 14, 2008 1:22 PM
"There's only so much water 'Aridzona' can rightly drain off the Colorado, so yeah, to answer your question, it's 'astroturf'. ..Big installation over at McCain's, incidentally."
Posted by: Von Go | September 14, 2008 1:41 PM
"So kiss this one good-bye. Some're calling it the 'laissez-flare' doctrine (he!he!),going back to Reagan, you know: 'Government IS the problem'."
Posted by: Von Go | September 14, 2008 2:13 PM
"You kidding ?! '666' trumps '911' any day !"
Posted by: Von Go | September 14, 2008 2:17 PM