September 1, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #159

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.


"So who wants abortions in their coffee? I know, I know, not Steve! Because [girly voice] 'Steve's not a monster anymore!' Hey, if he's not a monster anymore that musta been me raping my kids last night!" —TG Gibbon

"I knew I'd regret giving that Claes Oldenberg the secretary job...eh, but he gives good head." —LK

"I've heard of a large cup of coffee, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" —Trotman

Honorable mention
"Gentlemen, ladies, I ask you: Is there no uninteresting premise that can't be made funny with the addition of absurdly large household objects?" — Joshua

"Linda, (5th from head of table, clockwise) best of luck with that chicken-shaped bald spot. It's looking much better today. On a related note, Jim, (7th from head of table clockwise) I know you're remorseful about hitting that Seagull with your car, but did you really have to bring it to the meeting?" —djack

Posted by Deborah


Okay everyone, get out your giant pencils that I sharpened for you a couple weeks ago.

First on the agenda for the Columbian Coffee Cartel board meeting is.....wait, what the.... I smell tea. JOhnson - you're out.

Then I feed the coffee to my cats and pick the beans out of their shit myself. Then I roast it myself. So, everyone, come on, drink up. Whaat? I washed my hands!

This would explain last month's cafeteria bill. And why the Men's has been out of order since April.

Is that new secretary being a smartass, or is she just this fucking stupid?

Is that green tea? You pussy.

The first rule of giant coffee mug club is you do not talk about giant coffee mug club.

At 55 gallons, we're looking at about 450 pounds a mug. Good fucking luck lifting it.

I ordered a Coke.

All in favor of our new "One Beverage For Life" policy, fire a flare.

First on the agenda: pricing. Gentlemen, it is steeping.

Wanna survive as a Senior VP at JP Morgan Chase? First four of you to devour the boiled remains of their Bear Stearns counterpart win the prize: to keep your fucking job. Puke and you're out. I'm joining in just for the pleasure.


In Soviet Union, cup of coffee downs you !!!

"I love the smell of parrot stew in the morning. It smells like victory. Victory and leftovers."

A giant woman peered into our window and ordered them to go. Never mind that. The reason I've called this meeting is . . .

"Well, drink deep the steaming shame, McCain 2008 Vice Presidential Exploratory Committee."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I called this meeting because I have reason to believe one of you is an English spy."

"People, let's try and keep this in perspective."

"Whoa, talk about 'tea-bagging.' You know what, let's not even go there."

"Thank God for these giant mugs, otherwise I'd be faced with all-a your ugly mugs, and that's no way to start a meeting."

"Gentlemen, ladies, I ask you: Is there no uninteresting premise that can't be made funny with the addition of absurdly large household objects?"

"Okay, all the men, come over here and help me put some cream in my coffee."

"The hours suck, but at least the coffee mugs are obscenely big."

Last one who has to go to the restroom is elected Chairman.

"Does anyone need a bio break before we begin? Because I don't want to interrupt the meeting once we get started."

"And after 2pm, we'll be able to get refills for just $2 plus tax."

"So who wants abortions in their coffee? I know, I know, not Steve! Because [girly voice] 'Steve's not a monster anymore!' Hey, if he's not a monster anymore that musta been me raping my kids last night!"

"This Vice Presidential selection committee is now in session. No one wants Joe, Mitt or Tim. What was that gal's name again?"

"As soon as the freight elevator gets here, we can add some sugar and get started."

"Well, we are a bunch of big cunts after all."

"This 'Wake the Fuck Up' campaign is supposed to get us all to fight the authoritarian takeover of the US. Too late."

"So it's settled, the cups are not funny. And there is nothing we can say about them to make them funny. They suck. Suck worse than that burning desk marshmallow fete last month. Worse than that big ass pencil sharpener. They are less funny than if they were merely small. They are not funny, so very unfunny. Not funny at all."

"I've heard of a large cup of coffee, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

"So it appears the new coffee-jacuzzi line is a bust. What a shock. Well at least we still have McCain-Palin."

"One more negative word from you Jenkins and I lift this table and douse you in boiling joe! Go ahead, you anti-big-cup douchebag. Trust me, no court in this giant corporate land will convict me for such a noble act!"

'Look everyone, I'm blowing ripples across the surface of my drink. 'Looks like a storm's a brewing in coffee land! Brewing. Get it? Aww come on people. Are you dead? Hey look, now Jesus is coming across the stormy sea. Maybe he will save us. Maybe he'll quell the waves and raise the dead. Starting with you all. SERIOUSLY."

"If everyone has attached their supplemental bladders, we will begin."

"How about that VP pick, huh? I think the dumb old bastard really shot himself in the fetus with that one. Pass the cream?"

"This table is so low it's useless even to us tiny people. After coffee let's burn it and roast the buzzard on skewers."

"I couldn't sleep a wink last night. Anyone else have that problem?"

"Gentlemen, I am alarmed at the cost the company spends on 'Half and Half'. I must encourage you to switch to 'Creamora' or Tea, like Smythe here!"

"It's amazing how much De-caffe one must drink to still get the buzz we need in the morning!"

"Okay... except for Williamson, we all agree: We like coffee!"

"They don't make coffee stirs this big, Cosgrove. Do what I do--use your dick!"

"I see we all like it tall, black and smokin' hot...Yes, we are indeed Obama people."

I call this meeting of the Society of Absurd Liability Lawsuits to order.

"Let no one attempt to mock or ridicule our huge cups, because as you all know, every one of us was a POW, and we didn't havea single cup of coffee the whole time!!! ...Or, yes, Fred... or tea!"

"Shut up, Bob, everyone knows your tea bag's a clip-on."

"I had some dreams. They were clouds in my coffee. Clouds in my coffee. I wanted bigger dreams, so I got bigger coffee. I don't see how that makes me vain."

"Folks, you're all aware that we use giant mugs to compensate for our small penises. This leads me to wonder what's up with Marge and Stephanie there."

"Okay, get ready to dump these in your laps and scream!"

"Welcome to the focus group. Our client is going to want to know your opinions about the hot beverages and serving... Oh, my God! What happened to that woman's head!!!! Call 911! Call 911!"

"The bigger the boobs, the bigger the cups, right Justice Scalia?"

"White people are crazy."

I wouldn't have joined the Society of Creative Anachronism if I knew the first meeting was going to be a celebration of Tycho Brade.

(Brahe, obvs)

As members of the Starbucks board, we need approval on the new size - cassonetto.

Screw the boss and his "one coffee break per day" policy.

I knew I'd regret giving that Claes Oldenberg the secretary job...eh, but he gives good head.

Half and Half? Half and Half, Stephenson? Do you know how many vegans walk the the planet now? And don't tell me it's a phase, because what isn't. We've stopped burning witches, haven't we, but that was big for a while, so shut your hazelnut trap, Stephenson, and find another job.

MUGS! Think of how little paper we're wasting! Except Thompson there, that's a big tea bag. I would expect there to be about ninety little teabags in there but he found a big tea bag.

Is everyone ready to pretend like we're the guys in those comcast commericals? Plus this giant coffee gag. Boy, Chris Guest is sure to 'consider' us now, what with this gaff, eh, what what? I call Ed Begley Jr.!

"I know its tempting, but this is neither the time nor the place for a pissing contest.

"Gordon, let's begin with your report on market liquidity."

"I could really go for a cigarette right now."

Listen, new guy, every one of us thinks these mugs are weird but Mr. McAllister likes them so you'd best go along with it. Of course, once I'm chairman we'll be drinking blood out of human skulls.

"Goddamit. I told them to leave room for cream."

"Twenty bucks says we still fall asleep during Cosgrove's presentation."

"OK, meeting adjourned- and get your ugly mugs out of here."

"Praise God! Praise His Holy Name! His shoes are as big as Winnegagos and His underpants are a whole acre! Praise Him! His Cup o' Noodles must needs be done in Vats and His sandwiches must needs have Whole Beeves, yay and I tell you, Two Pigs! Praise Him! Praise His Big Name!"

"Richards, don't think I didn't see you slip in that nine gallons of Kahlua."

"Do mine own eyes deceive me or hath my cup been filled with the drippings of mutton? Boo to a goose!"

"First, I'm going to freshen up. When I come back, the whacky hijinks and zany boffo's continue with scones! And not just any size scones either! But first, the bathroom."

"Meat...doo doo...mums...live, trussed up pidgeons; what else would float in these?"

"Lemuel Gulliver got some 'splainin' to do."

"The best way to deal with the hours here is caffeine."

What's the point? In six weeks I'll just feel tired again.

"These mugs? Oh no reason. AND in completely unrelated news Dita Von Teese is stopping by today."

"Feel that rumbling? Yeah, the donut is going to be here any second!"

"So you all saved your diarrhea in these 55-gallon drums for the past month like I asked you to? Good. Now, first one to drink theirs down gets the Glengarry leads."

Before we get started, I'd like to call dibs on the men's room after the meeting for, oh, about two to three hours.

"OK, we've all had a good laugh at these ridiculous cups of coffee. Now, I have photographic evidence that someone is tea-bagging my wife. Try to guess who it is..."

"I'd like to thank everyone here at Sleepaholics Anonymous for their continued support."

"Does coffee make anyone else poop? It sure does a number on me! Hey Neil - How's that herbal tea? You ready to start sucking dick yet?"

(1) "As we all know from Freudian psychology, these coffee mugs represent vaginas, and the stirring spoon represents a penis. Hey, anyone notice anything? That's right, we don't HAVE any stirring spoons! That's because this company has become a punch of pussies who are getting fucked by our competitors! You're all fired!"

(2) "Woo! Yeah! Man am I buzzed! I love coffee! Any else love coffee?"

(3) "Alright people, I know it's hard to stay awake during these meetings, but these giant coffee mugs are really inconvenient. We're going back to the crack pipes next week."

That's "anyone else" in #2 above, sorry.

"I call this executive board meeting of 'Midgets, Do You Mind?', Inc. to order."

"Yes it was nice of him to make us coffee, but as emperor of the Lilliputians I say we go negative on this guy. Let's put him on the defensive with a few ads that attack him for being so big. Then maybe a mailer to our people that suggests hes actually giant Muslim..."

"After it cools we can begin the enemas."

It sucks being a descendent of Juan Valdez... sorry, James... AND Earl Grey!"

"Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for participating in our product testing study. The original topic, 'Delicious Flavored Coffees' has been replaced by 'Absorbency of Adult Diapers'."

"OK, now I need three volunteers to come next door and roast some marshmallows."

"And, before we commence with our meeting this morning, let us have a moment of silence for the midgets who made these gigantic cups out of clay, then fell inside them, then peed themselves because they were trapped and frightened, thus filling the cups and causing them to drown in pee. We owe them our gratitude, and we remember them today."

"Despite the overwhleming aroma of massive quantities of freshly brewed coffee I can still smell your feet, Ms. Hastings. And I like it."

"We landed the HUMMER account."

First one to shit loses.

I suppose my entry should be in quotes.

"Jones, in case you didn't notice, we're all coffee drinkers here. I never took you for a teabagger."

"I've called you here today to discuss a matter of vital importance to our national security: Sarah Palin's daughter is pregnant."

"Coffee has so much caffeine in it."

Please be sure to sterilize your feeding tube couplers before I commence the stimulant transfer process. There's a nasty strain of MRSA making its way around the office and we can't be too cautious.

"I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you here today to sit behind gigantic coffee cups while I stand behind mine as though my head is coming out of the cup. And... damned if I can remember. I'm sorry, I really have no idea."

".and to show voters that the Senator's staff also feels the pinch of rising coffee prices, our intern Trevor has agreed to switch to tea...Thanks, Trev."

"Use the microwave if they're not hot enough, but take my mother out first."

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Wilkins, but some of us can't see you over the giant coffee cups."

"I need cream in my coffee. Are either of you ladies lactating?"

"Okay, you assholes. I warned you the execs were fed up with your complaints about your cubicles. Now you get to spend fifty hours a week working in scalding hot coffee baths."

"The mugs didn't get big. The people got small."

"Oh yeah? Well for five and a half years in the Hanoi Hilton there was no coffee ..."

"Tea drinkers will never be able to hide from the Spanish Inquisition!"

"'Why are we remaking Land of the Giants>? It's 2008! We can do it better! And Rodriguez, tell them who won the Super Bowl in 2008."

Which of these, in quantities relative to their weights, caused rectal cancer in rats? Correct! The TEA!

"Linda, (5th from head of table, clockwise) best of luck with that chicken-shaped bald spot. It's looking much better today."

"On a related note, Jim, (7th from head of table clockwise) I know you're remorseful about hitting that Seagull with your car, but did you really have to bring it to the meeting?"

He who has dipped his hand in the mug with me, will betray me. Take him out boys and decaffeinate him."

Accounting has just supplied me with the latest figures on expenses and it seems the office as whole is pouring out roughly 25,000 gallons of coffee every day. Anyone want to try to explain this to me?

Okay, who's that with the faggy Lipton's? ...Johnson! You're fired.

"OK, by my count, we have four cups of hot coffee, four lukewarm, and one lukewarm tea. This is not the consensus I was hoping for."

"Whose turn was it to bring the cow?"


"That was a fine presentation. Now if you ladies and gentlemen will excuse me...I really need to go sissy."

"Because you all complained about not having enough time with your families, the company has liquidated them. Literally. You can bawl about it, or you can drink up. Either way, you've got 8 minutes left on break."

> "Oh yeah? Well for five and a half years in the Hanoi Hilton there was no coffee ..."


"Now remember, even though we've been in charge for eight years we're not responsible for anything that happened and we alone can repair the damage we've done...Now drink the Kool-Aid people. It will help."

If "Two Girls, One Cup" was a huge YouTube hit, I can only imagine how our "Two Girls, Six Guys, and Eight Massive Cups" is going to do.

"What's this? There's a dead pigeon in my giant mug of coffee! How disgusting! Did anyone else get the dead pigeon? No? Wow, what luck! Out of eight giant mugs of coffee, I get the one with the dead pigeon in it! Ha ha ha!"

"...as you can see, I've ordered ahead for us."

"...who knew "venti" meant
ass load of coffeer?"

(minor correction)
"...who knew "venti" meant
ass load of coffee?"

Tea?!? You must be an East coast liberal from New York City

"&%^$ you, Alfredo ! Roasted OR dunked, s'mores can't be beat !"

"So now, as to this infernal watch-watching--and I think I hardly need name names.."

" Breaks, b**** ! Your uncanny resemblance to Sarah Palin 's responsible for the demotion in favor of Ms. Aniston to the right hand. .. Frigin' 'Kawasaki's' !"

"Anomalous--and all that good stuff--hell ! It's the way 'D diddly' draws....so don't be giving yourselves no airs here !"

I'm filling in for Jenkins, who was crushed to death by an absurdly large pastry.

This is more cost effective to make your erection last more than four hours

"Drink as quickly as you can--the first person to reach the boiled moose balls at the bottom will become the next Fear Factor Apprentice Survivor Running Mate of John McCain. And that will put an end to our thorough selection process!"

"This may be just what we need to turn things around here at Starbucks...Say hello to El Grande Mucho Venti."

"Only 4 out of 9 vats of feces are still steaming. That's the worst ratio yet."

I understand some of you complained about being bored shitless during last year's mandatory sexual harrassment training.

"I asked for my coffee black, not with alien tentacles reaching out to implant their eggs into my pancreas. Someone call SYSCO."

"Gripe-gripe-gripe ! Frigging b**** ! You got one of you on the whole goddamn Supreme Court of the U.S. of A.,and you frigin' griping ?! Like Sarah 'Kazuo Kawasaki' Palin gonna raise your numbers, b**** ?! Looks like maybe one of you morons could wake up and smell the coffee...etc. !"

"As per the last board meeting on July 21, we'll have 'eye-openers' first before following through on the 'marshmallow-roast-on-the-flaming-corner-of-a table' bit....because, face it, a quorum of us here are either pirates, perverts, pyromaniacs, 'mafiosi'--with an unhealthy slice of political 'dirty tricksters' of the Karl Rove stripe thrown in! .... Welcome, 'Barricuda' Palin !"

Mid-morning meeting of The New York Times editorial board: "Let's see, seven regular coffees (exactly to our specified degrees of temperature, naturally !); one Lipton's 'Ceylonese Premium'(watch that steeping, Brooks!); ....and one 'Amaretto Almond' for Ms. Dowd. ..Watch that don't tip, Maureen."

(Oh,ho! Maureen Dowd of 'all the miaows that's fit to print'. I recognized her instantly....French silk-stockings...)

"Screw Dernavich ! I'll make a fine point anyhow ! Bltht...Blthtf...Blthtffff.......O ,forget it !" `

"Many of you will not recognize Felony Criminal Court Judge Lance Ito, conversant with so many 'whacked-out' cases in years past. Judge Ito, the floor !"

"...the nine 'CASK OF AMONTILLADO'...check ! Nice camoflage, Carlos ! Bush'll rationalize a bit of Amontillado--Condoleeza, you know ! Always was a 'slider'."

"Anyone else want a cup of Joe? That is, the liquified corpse of a guy named 'Joe'? Okay, then this meeting of serial killers with invariable patterns will come to order. Is there any new business to conduct, keeping in mind that I am compelled by the voice of the devil to slit the throat of anyone that speaks first at corporate meetings?"

"Look, guys, I devised this solution so no one would try to suggest we break for coffee, so we can stay here as long as necessary until we finally figure out why so many staff are dying from accelerated heartbeats!"

"We thank you for raising your idea, but we just don't think there's a market for a once-a-month maintenance colostomy device."

"Nope--even when I stand up, I still can't see your faces. Perhaps we need some kind of table with cupholder depressions?"

"I like my presidents like I like my coffee: intelligent, compassionate and articulate. That is why I'm voting for Barack Obama. Let us eat our oversized cups of miso soup now."

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