The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #158
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.
Results after the jump:
Winner:
"I'd hate to be in your shoes! Oh, wait..." - T.G. Gibbon
Finalists:
"Have you been swimming in the ocean or are you just really, really not glad to see us?" - djack
"Now remember kid, they won't bail you out until you're in up to your neck...Now just relax and let the invisible hand of the free market do its work." - al in la
Best reference to HS English class poem:
"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair !" ? -- "Nothing beside remains!" ?! -- "The lone and level sands stretch far away." ? .... Hogwash ! OZYMANDIAS here ! The report of our deaths has been greatly exaggerated !" - Sam L.
Other Honorable Mentions:
"Ironically, we're bored serfs." - therblig
Norbert experienced constant teasing about his torticollis, even by the sand-busts of friends and family that he fashioned each day at the beach. But his pain was always replaced by sheer joy as the heads dissolved in the tide, their petulant voices silenced by the sea. - LV
"I hate performance art." - Dave
Comments
“No, actually, I don’t want any head.”
“Am I anywhere near the ninth circle of hell, or did I just turn into a dumpy, half-naked David Byrne?”
“You know what you guys remind me of? That Ally McBeal episode where a guy kicks his wife in the head and then claims in court he’s got that mental condition that Oliver Sacks wrote about and so he thought her head was a soccer ball lying on the beach. You remember that episode? Well, anyway, that’s what you guys remind me of.”
“I’m haunted by the faces of my victims.”
“I suppose you think that *this* will stop me from taking a piss on the beach if I feel like it.”
Posted by: Galoux | August 25, 2008 9:36 AM
Oh, it's sand-aerobics...a rigorous aerobic workout conducted on sand that provides resistance for maximum strength, stamina and balance. Only class ended a few days ago and now we're all about to die....so, a little help please?
Posted by: simsburybear | August 25, 2008 9:44 AM
"Get your toes away from my dick."
Posted by: Richard H | August 25, 2008 9:47 AM
"They walk up to homeless guys and ask 'how would you like a free weekend at the beach?' and ..."
Posted by: J.D. | August 25, 2008 10:01 AM
Jerome thought a trip to the beach would help with his whitehead problem.
Posted by: kilo | August 25, 2008 10:05 AM
"Hey... hey you... you look like a sissy, with your, your sissy Valentine's shorts. What? You're girlfriend got 'em for ya? Hah, sissy boy. Hey, everyone, look at the sissy boy with his sissy boy boxers. Ahahahack ackkkk hack grrlllkkkk hack... I got sand in my throat."
Posted by: TMo | August 25, 2008 10:22 AM
"I am haunted by the shoulders of my victims."
"I am haunted by the shores by my victims."
"I am haunted by the victims by my soles."
"I cried because I had no feet. Then I met some men who had no bodies and I was mildly intrigued. How did they get to the beach?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | August 25, 2008 10:23 AM
Sorry but we're "sand-wizards", so you're still gonna be hungry.
Posted by: therblig | August 25, 2008 10:24 AM
"We told you it was fucking quicksand, shithead. You had to walk in here and check it out. Now who's going to get help, dumbass?"
"So then Jerry came to find out what happened to Me. Then Sam came to see where Jerry went. Then Irv came looking for Sam. Wally was searching for Irv. Mike finally came after Wally. Then you showed up. No wait, I think Sam came before Irv. Let me start over again."
Posted by: JohnnyB | August 25, 2008 10:29 AM
click here to see last weeks results?
Posted by: Anonymous | August 25, 2008 10:30 AM
Bitten to death by sand fleas or scorched to death by the sun... you know, I'm pretty sure this is a textbook lose-lose situation.
Posted by: Tom | August 25, 2008 10:37 AM
You idiot, can't you tell this is a nude beach?
Posted by: LK | August 25, 2008 10:42 AM
"Yeah, we get that all the time. 'Easter Island just doesn't have the grandeur I expected.' Well grandeur this pal - er, damn, well, you'll have to imagine you can see my finger."
Posted by: Vance | August 25, 2008 10:44 AM
"We've all got crabs."
"Just last week, we were Guest-Bloggers! Now look at us ..."
Posted by: gary | August 25, 2008 10:45 AM
"I'm hunted by the faces of my victims."
Posted by: Vance | August 25, 2008 10:48 AM
"You think we got it bad - at least none of us has a pail for a head like poor ol' Pail-Head over there."
Posted by: Vance | August 25, 2008 10:52 AM
"Next time you assist old people with suicide, try to be less creative, you little fucker."
"They can bury me neck-deep in sand, but they can't make me not like young boys. Can I suck on your toes?"
"You call 'buried up to your ankles' living dangerously? Hell, one good wave could kill the six of us. Hey! don't give me that look. When I was your age I had respect for my elders. Now you bury yourself real deep right this minute!"
Posted by: MAtt | August 25, 2008 11:04 AM
"Hey Tommy! Kevin won't be back for half an hour. Just dig out your feet and run and get help ok? You must so that we don't all die here! Helloooo! Tommy? Tommy, can you hear me?"
Posted by: Brian L | August 25, 2008 11:12 AM
"Have you been swimming in the ocean or are you just really, really not glad to see us?"
Posted by: djack | August 25, 2008 11:20 AM
"Yo, Harry! Is that your head in the sand?"
Posted by: Anonymous | August 25, 2008 11:22 AM
"I hope I don't have to share the black guy's ants."
Posted by: Francis | August 25, 2008 11:43 AM
"Move it, asshole--you're blocking my sun."
Posted by: Tom M. | August 25, 2008 12:11 PM
" Et tu, 'Two Shoes'?"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 25, 2008 12:12 PM
"You've heard of quicksand? This is slowsand, but you're just as fucked."
Posted by: jim M | August 25, 2008 12:14 PM
"I want to tell you my secret now. I see head people."
Posted by: JohnnyB | August 25, 2008 12:15 PM
It's really not so bad, except when the grunion come. And I do mean "come".
Posted by: therblig | August 25, 2008 12:21 PM
"Bad move, Singapore."
Posted by: Sam L. | August 25, 2008 12:26 PM
"Who knew ?! 'Il Societa' Lombroso' is still active in the area."
Posted by: Sam L. | August 25, 2008 12:36 PM
"If you're just going in up to your feet, you're not really in the meeting with the rest of us. That's sorta like being on speakerphone."
"If this was `Whack-A-Mole', YOU'D be the one in a bad spot right now, kid. Think about that while Frank bites your toes off. Fuckin' wiseguy."
Posted by: Damon | August 25, 2008 12:37 PM
"Whatever you hear, stay away! Beach Pail's got the upper hand!"
-- from Andrew Kevin Walker's rejected early draft for "Se7en"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 25, 2008 12:39 PM
"Wow, is it 8'o'clock already? The sun is setting earlier now. I guess summer really is ending.*sigh*"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 25, 2008 12:45 PM
"This is exactly why I hate Photoshop."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | August 25, 2008 12:45 PM
Ok, the human sundial thing just isn't working. For one thing, this guy is too chunky to be an effective gnomon. Yeah, that's right "gnomon" - that's what it's called. Jeez, read a fucking book sometime. Also, there are only 6 of us and we're not in a circle.
Posted by: therblig | August 25, 2008 12:45 PM
"Don't worry, kid, you'll soon be 'taunted by the soles' of every ectomorph out here-- that's 'Skinny-on-the-Beach' to you !"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 25, 2008 12:50 PM
All My Perverted Uncles on FOX this fall, following the Simpsons.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | August 25, 2008 1:00 PM
"Charles Addams ain't got squat on Kanin !"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 25, 2008 1:08 PM
"Help! Leslie Nielsen did this to all of us!"
Posted by: Trotman | August 25, 2008 1:14 PM
"HEY! Do you mind? We're trying to breathe down here."
Posted by: Joshua | August 25, 2008 1:26 PM
"This meeting of the Illuminati is now in session."
Posted by: J.D. | August 25, 2008 1:31 PM
"The ocean? Tjhat's beyond the pail."
Posted by: arthur | August 25, 2008 1:44 PM
We're like that Steinberg cover, except, instead of streets, we're the various residents of New York - the guy with the beard is from Greenwich Village, the black guy is from Harlem, the guy with the cap is either Yankee or Shea stadium. After that, it's hard to say. It's just not that clever an idea.
Posted by: therblig | August 25, 2008 1:45 PM
Nice package Mary.
Posted by: Mary | August 25, 2008 1:58 PM
"Be damned! Hey, 'Beard', get a load of our Kenny 'Boy' Jennings now ! Doing his, what you say, like 'my Aristophanes-Aristosthenes'.. whatever! Frigin' brain ! I mean, if'n we'd of studied..."
Posted by: .N.O. it all ! | August 25, 2008 2:05 PM
"So where did you read about this Soft Beach Diet, The Sand Paper? By next week we might not be fat, but we'll still be idiots."
Posted by: Kosmicki | August 25, 2008 2:06 PM
"Y'know, it's rude to stare at people's busts."
Posted by: Rubrick | August 25, 2008 2:14 PM
Yes, it certainly is a sunni day. Because we've been beheaded. By Muslims. Sunni Muslims.
Posted by: therblig | August 25, 2008 2:15 PM
"Him ? That's 'Socrates'. What's it to you ?"
Posted by: N.O it all ! | August 25, 2008 2:15 PM
Yes, it certainly is a sunni day. Because we've been beheaded. By Muslims. Sunni Muslims.
Posted by: therblig | August 25, 2008 2:17 PM
"Yes its true son, a lazy cartoonist can get you killed!...Now, for the love of God, go get a fountain pen and some ink...and hurry!...The tide's coming in!"
Posted by: al in la | August 25, 2008 2:26 PM
"Yeah, mebbe, but I know it war'n no damn Iroquois come up with no 'anthill torture'! Fuck, Flathead 'll tell you ! ...'Flat', hey 'Flat' ! Apache, war'n it ?"
Posted by: N.O it all ! | August 25, 2008 2:33 PM
"Can you give me a hand?"
Posted by: bricklayer | August 25, 2008 2:37 PM
"Once more, Jennings ! 'Jefferson'...'Socrates'...'Aldo,Aldo Ray'...'Fag', a.k.a. 'Fagin', ...'Flathead', naturally.....me,I'm 'Brando'."
Posted by: N.O it all ! | August 25, 2008 3:02 PM
Fuck Matt Yglesias.
Posted by: minderbender | August 25, 2008 3:03 PM
"Good Lord, you've gotten fat, Gilligan! Now dig us out and help us shave off Ginger's beard."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 25, 2008 3:20 PM
“No fair standing on your son’s shoulders.”
Posted by: dwilk | August 25, 2008 3:21 PM
"Is that your shadow, or urine? Because it doesn't taste like a shadow."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 25, 2008 3:26 PM
I like black girls. Who here is with me?
Posted by: cgb | August 25, 2008 3:27 PM
"No, this is the Santa Monica Upskirt Society. You want the Southern California Downblouse Federation, over by the the lifeguard's chair."
Posted by: louis lewis | August 25, 2008 3:48 PM
So, did that Phelps kid win all eight gold medals?
Posted by: Urgh | August 25, 2008 4:00 PM
Can this be the end for Fat Old Justice League? Topless Wonder Woman, you're our only hope!
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 25, 2008 4:01 PM
I don't like this "no-ethnic-profiling" Jack Bauer at all.
Posted by: Charles | August 25, 2008 4:18 PM
"You know, the guy to your right looks an awful lot like Torgo from 'Manos The Hands Of Fate'."
Posted by: Trotman | August 25, 2008 6:27 PM
"Listen up, gang ! 'Jennings' here and 'Socrates' have been woiking on dis theory. So dis here's a cartoon, okay ? 'Status Quo' as hell, okay ? Capiche ? ..You havin' a problem, 'Flathead'? 'No brainer', right ? ..Okay, follow me 'here: cartoon's fiction, 'greed ? Dis is 'Soc' & 'Jennings', see ! Alright, so we all know from 'Socrates'..mebbe 'Aristotal', actual, how no single element thru' any leastways 'half ass' dramatic structure in its entire, may go 'sui generis'; i.e., dumbing down fo' 'Flat' now --'GO OFF ON ITS OWN'! Capiche ? So, okay, 'Soc' has it dis here's Fire Island. So who's to argue, or complain ?! Follow me here: so Fire Island-New York-New Yorker. 'Class', right ? 'Crust'? You here, 'Flat' ? 'Ergo'(that there's from 'Socrates'!), every element here about us now--until the 'horizon', so to speak--must relate in some important way (follow us- yes,us !-here), in some significant way, we claim, to the predic....., ur, to the cartoon as an entire, and that's pretty much 'Soc', that last. - So, okay, to 'finish off', if that's the right words--and I'll be going over all this again with you, 'Flat', later on, by the way, if you wish, in line with 'Soc's' paedogo..... , pedogogi... ur, pedant principles.--But to 'polish off'-- and this is pretty much 'Soc' & 'Jennings', see--we're fingering them birds ! Capiche ? Yeah, them 'boids'! 'Oil tree o' dem' ! What else dey dere ? Pretty ? Nah ! ..Forget de pail, 'Flathead'!... 'Jennings'? Nah, 'Soc' 'vouchs' dere, good kid an' so fort' ! 'Cerebelum type'! Ya see ?! What leavs dem boids ! Follow ? What ain't th'foist time with boids ! ...... I mean, 'less dis here's PLAYBOY ? Forget dat ! Dey puts 'crap' ! ....Anyways, dis 's to where 'Soc'& 'Jennings' come ! Dey 'brains' ! .........I'm 'Brando'."
Posted by: N.O it all ! | August 25, 2008 6:59 PM
The tide is relentless
Posted by: martin | August 25, 2008 8:52 PM
And over here I have a potato that looks like Jerry Garcia.
Posted by: maxwell hammer | August 25, 2008 9:35 PM
Name's Lawrence. Mr. Lawrence. Merry F'ing Christmas.
Posted by: Dex | August 25, 2008 10:23 PM
"Ye it behooves to take another road", Responded he, when he beheld us weeping, "If from this savage place ye would escape." ....Yeah ! So were we having ? NOOOOOOO !!
Posted by: Sam L. | August 25, 2008 10:58 PM
The worst is at night when the sand crabs try to feast on your eyes... Oh God! Please just kill me now!
Posted by: Steve_O | August 25, 2008 11:30 PM
Well, at least we can piss without embarrassing ourselves.
Posted by: Steve_O | August 25, 2008 11:31 PM
I swear to god I would blow you for just a tiny sip of water.
Posted by: Mork | August 25, 2008 11:32 PM
"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."
Posted by: Squidocto | August 26, 2008 12:52 AM
"The worst part is the forecast only called for 1 to 3 inches."
Posted by: dwilk | August 26, 2008 12:56 AM
I changed my mind, I'm collecting Hummel figurines instead. Unfortunately, I can't set you guys free, because I too am also partially buried.
Posted by: chloe | August 26, 2008 1:15 AM
"No wonder Gore Vidal took his name off this piece of shit."
Posted by: J.D. | August 26, 2008 3:23 AM
"We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!"
Posted by: RichM | August 26, 2008 6:24 AM
Oh god...the sand...it's pressing in on my lungs. Can't breathe...tell my family I love them and I'm sorry. (Coughs feebly and dies.)
Posted by: Steve_O | August 26, 2008 7:13 AM
Dennis Hopper Jr. performing with Coppola by the Sea.
Posted by: dwilk | August 26, 2008 7:29 AM
"Seize him!"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 26, 2008 9:06 AM
"This is pretty rough treatment, but nothing compared to what Senator John McCain endured. The guy was a POW at the Hanoi Hilton, for crying out loud. Did you know that?"
Posted by: Ted | August 26, 2008 9:24 AM
"Huh. Guess they're still working out the bugs on this genetically-modified cabbage."
"Honestly, I'm not sure a minimalist production is the right choice for a work like 'Bluebeard'. I favor a more traditional approach."
Posted by: Vlad | August 26, 2008 9:36 AM
"Google goggle!
Google goggle!
We accept you!
We accept you!
One of us!
One of us!"
Posted by: Vlad | August 26, 2008 9:53 AM
"I'd hate to be in your shoes! Oh, wait..."
"Help? Nah, we're just doing this for our resumes. I want to be a band manager and Steve wants to be a bank manager and Larry wants his own chain of car washes and, well, anyway, we figured if five years in the Hanoi Hilton qualified you for president then an afternoon of this should be enough to get us where we want to go."
"Watch out for Chester A. Arthur's head; he bites."
"Gary Glitter is going to get you for this, sugartits."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | August 26, 2008 10:11 AM
Norbert experienced constant teasing about his torticollis, even by the sand-busts of friends and family that he fashioned each day at the beach. But his pain was always replaced by sheer joy as the heads dissolved in the tide, their petulant voices silenced by the sea.
Posted by: LV | August 26, 2008 10:16 AM
"We ought to be aware of 'ragged claws Scuttling across the floor of silent seas'."
Posted by: Von Go | August 26, 2008 10:46 AM
Excuse me, a little privacy please!
Posted by: JT | August 26, 2008 11:09 AM
"Quick, use that bucket and pail to trap a seagull for us. They're our only source of food."
Posted by: Trotman | August 26, 2008 12:11 PM
Exceedingly trying, young man. Yes, indeed. I keep hearing, "HAPPY DAYS is here again"-- which isn't even the proper English, don't you know ! ..Alright, I appreciate that that may be rather, shall we say, 'old school' on my part--and yet, as one may often hear it said in France--I shall translate here-- "Each to his own taste".
Posted by: Von Go | August 26, 2008 12:12 PM
"All I'm saying is, I wouldn't be smiling if I was 40 pounds overweight."
Posted by: Trotman | August 26, 2008 12:15 PM
"I realize that I'm not exactly God's gift to women, but at least I don't look like that guy over there who's head closely resembles a bucket."
Posted by: Trotman | August 26, 2008 12:27 PM
"I've cause to regret, here at this age, young fellow, my peroration (fine, not rea... ur, not actually mine, really); the peroration I delivered ''pun' this very le. ..ur, shore, these thirty year now flown by : ....Great God ! I'd rather be A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn; So might I, standing [Sic!] on this pleasant lea, Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn; Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea; Or hear old Triton blow his wreath'ed horn. --It would appear Wordsworth was more 'the rage'....'back in the day'. .......And yet you, young man, how come you here ?"
Posted by: Von Go | August 26, 2008 1:54 PM
"You can call him 'Flathead'; you can call him 'Mohandas'.
Posted by: Von Go | August 26, 2008 2:01 PM
Delirious Man:(Sings) 1)Mr. 'Sunman', bring me a dream....2)Make him the cutest that I've ever seen....3)Give him two lips like roses and cream....4)Then tell him that his lonely nights are over ! 5)'Sunman', I'm so alone 6)Don't have nobody to call my own 7)Please turn on your magic beam 8) Mr. 'Sunman', bring me a dream....9) Mr. 'Sunman', bring me a dream 10) Make him the cutest that I've ever seen 10)Give him the word that I'm not a rover.... Young Man: Hi !
Posted by: Von Go | August 26, 2008 2:53 PM
"Exit strategy?...Sounds to me like you hate our freedom!"
Posted by: al in la | August 26, 2008 3:19 PM
Yeah, we're still waiting for our flood insurance to come through. Say would you mind getting us some Jack in da Crack?
Posted by: Alexander | August 26, 2008 3:38 PM
Now whip it out and piss on our heads while at the same time twisting violently. That's the only way to do the human sprinkler!
Posted by: Cryogenically Frozen Head | August 26, 2008 3:47 PM
Welcome to your future Frank. This is the way the government deals with putter asses now. I hope you like sand crabs and itchy assholes, buddy!
Posted by: Taint Jackson | August 26, 2008 3:51 PM
"The hourglasses here are obscene." [A nod to Squidocto
.]Posted by: Tim H | August 26, 2008 4:50 PM
Digger, please!
Posted by: mypalmike | August 26, 2008 4:54 PM
If you saw how unimpressive your bulge is, you'd start digging a deeper hole, too.
Posted by: JR | August 26, 2008 5:16 PM
"First one to slim down enough gets the part of Yorrick!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 26, 2008 8:16 PM
"The chile-cheese dog recipe is sacred to our tribe, not to be shared with outsiders. Brash youth! Who sent you?"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 26, 2008 8:19 PM
"I'm 1' 3" and that's pretty darn impressive, but
you! You really take the cake, mister!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 26, 2008 8:22 PM
"When Jesus returns, we'll be given eternal life, necks, torsos, weiners, the whoooooole shebang!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 26, 2008 8:24 PM
"On the other hand, my inner life is rich and fulfilling beyond conventional standards."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 26, 2008 8:27 PM
"Come back at high tide, and you'll see what really happens to the victims of our faces."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | August 26, 2008 9:36 PM
I have to say, gents, you're taking book club too seriously.
Posted by: Al Capp | August 26, 2008 10:37 PM
I have to say, gents, you're taking book club too seriously.
Posted by: Al Capp | August 26, 2008 10:37 PM
Yeah, I didn't drink the Kool-aid, either, guys. I had my fingers crossed when I took that oath, and me and my mass wedding wife are moving to Reno. You're a bunch of saps and you make me sick.
Posted by: Al Capp | August 26, 2008 10:39 PM
"Just wait."
Posted by: Dave | August 26, 2008 11:19 PM
"Can you get that black guy out of here? I mean really."
Posted by: ben c | August 26, 2008 11:20 PM
"You're a 'pail imitation' of us... har har har."
Posted by: Dave | August 26, 2008 11:24 PM
"I hate performance art."
Posted by: Dave | August 26, 2008 11:25 PM
"True grit."
Posted by: Dave | August 26, 2008 11:26 PM
"Life's a beach."
Posted by: Dave | August 26, 2008 11:34 PM
"Hey fellas, get a load of this sap -- he's only two feet under."
Posted by: Dave | August 26, 2008 11:36 PM
Pussy.
Posted by: Steve_O | August 27, 2008 12:12 AM
The Palm Springs mafia is sure getting lazy.
Posted by: Steve_O | August 27, 2008 12:16 AM
"What's to wonder ? Ha' ye n'er read Melville, boy ?! 'Moby'-Chapter 1, Paragraph 3: 'Circumnavigate the city of a dreamy Sabbath afternoon.......Posted like silent sentinels all around the town [sic!], stand thousands and thousands of mortal men fixed in ocean reveries. Some leaning against the spiles; some seated upon the pier-heads'-- and so on. ...All 'salt' here, pining for the antipodes ! Yer'll no go wrong, boy !"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 27, 2008 12:46 AM
"Now remember kid, they won't bail you out until you're in up to your neck...Now just relax and let the invisible hand of the free market do its work."
Posted by: al in la | August 27, 2008 1:08 AM
The beaches of Thailand after the tsunami were littered with ugly men, but Joey just continued his search for shells.
Posted by: Glenn | August 27, 2008 6:43 AM
"This is Hell, and we were gay men in life. Turns out it was a cardinal sin to be unattractive."
Posted by: J.D. | August 27, 2008 6:51 AM
It's not so bad when you consider that our counterparts in China have their feet sticking out.
Posted by: therblig | August 27, 2008 10:07 AM
"It's not a comb-over. The tide just plasters it that way."
Posted by: mort drucker | August 27, 2008 10:32 AM
"Timmy! Find Lassie! Tell her 'trouble at the beach.' Yes, those are my instructions...now move it you slack jawed little cretin."
Posted by: mort drucker | August 27, 2008 10:35 AM
"The ebb ain't bad. Its the effing flow."
Posted by: mort drucker | August 27, 2008 10:40 AM
"Don't just stand there, build a sand mausoleum around us worthy of the ages! Or are you not the one, the beachcomber child the oracle spoke of?"
Posted by: mort drucker | August 27, 2008 10:47 AM
"Actually, we do quite well on sporadic seaweed and the kindness of strangers."
Posted by: mort drucker | August 27, 2008 10:54 AM
"All together now! 'I-I-I-I-I-I ain't got no body.
'"Posted by: jim M | August 27, 2008 12:09 PM
"He's the New Yorker's token 'black cartoon character'! Court orders ! ...Don't you know the 'sombitchs' would be begrudging about it !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 27, 2008 12:21 PM
"A little something to tide you over?"
Posted by: J.D. | August 27, 2008 12:37 PM
Ironically, we're bored serfs.
Posted by: therblig | August 27, 2008 12:41 PM
The first rule of quicksand club is you do not talk about quicksand club.
Posted by: boneguy | August 27, 2008 12:50 PM
Well if you won't bring back food, will you at least crap in my mouth? SHUT UP, I ASKED HIM FIRST!
Posted by: T.A. Jones | August 27, 2008 1:34 PM
Delirious Raving: "O'er many beaches bord'ring many seas, You have come, 'Neddy', to these melancholy rites, To show this final honour to our heads, And speak (to what purpose ?) o'er our violate faces ; Yet now fate takes you, even you, alas ! Oh, 'Neddy', 'clipped' here from us so cruelly, Now at last take my last 'sayings', blessed By the tradition of our parents, gifts 'to this head': Accept, by custom, what a brother's tears drown, And for eternity, 'Neddy', 'Hail and Farewell'."
Posted by: Sam L. | August 27, 2008 1:40 PM
Well, it's a long story. We were at a party. His ear lobe fell in the deep. Someone reached in and grabbed it. It was a rock lobster. We were at the beach. Everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock. And there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster.
Posted by: therblig | August 27, 2008 2:38 PM
Dude. Your balls. Shave.
Posted by: Petter | August 27, 2008 2:59 PM
"Who's talking 'pisces', kid ?! Did any body here--yeah, go on and snicker, go on--mention anything about 'pisces' ?! 'Hook', you mention any 'pisces' ?! I said...I said: Feces , F-E-C-E-S ; or, alternatively, Faeces, F-A-E-C-E-S ! Got it ! That there's Long Island Sound...so we're 'haunted by the feces (F-E-C-E-S) of our victims' ! 'Jeeze' ! Kids today !"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 27, 2008 3:27 PM
"With gas prices at an all time high, this really cuts down on the cost of sunscreen."
Posted by: JungleCat | August 27, 2008 3:32 PM
"Did any of you happen to catch who was kicked off Project Runway last night?"
Posted by: JungleCat | August 27, 2008 3:32 PM
"Duck, Duck, Goose....anyone?"
Posted by: JungleCat | August 27, 2008 3:33 PM
"Damnit, i lose the staring contest again...Ok, ok, ok....best 59 out of 117...i got all day....i'm not going anywhere."
Posted by: Anonymous | August 27, 2008 3:35 PM
"Head, Shoulders, Knees, and.....um....knees....and...SHITTTTTT!!!!!!!
Posted by: JungleCat | August 27, 2008 3:36 PM
"What's up with 'Gustav'?
Posted by: Sam L. | August 27, 2008 4:56 PM
"Plane overhead. 'Fakir' hears 'em first. All his 'five and seven senses', you see....., or maybe not."
Posted by: Sam L. | August 27, 2008 5:27 PM
"Keep in mind, fellows :'A man is rich in proportion to the things he can let alone'!"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 27, 2008 5:49 PM
So that leaves McCain poor, right ? Figuratively speaking, I mean !
Posted by: Von Go | August 27, 2008 5:58 PM
"The undertow and the jellyfish may be keeping people out of the surf today, but it's the sand that's giving me a real pain in the ass!"
Posted by: David F | August 27, 2008 7:30 PM
"Oh, and best of all, because of some stupid 'Go topless' movement we were able to put up video of chicks parading around with their tits out. Well, anyway, just thought we'd pop in with an update. Thanks again for letting us guest blog and enjoy the rest of your vacation, Daniel."
Posted by: Anonymous | August 28, 2008 12:47 AM
Thompson, I'm beginning to question your commitment to NAMSCLA*. (National Man-Sand Crab Love Association)
Posted by: Steve_O | August 28, 2008 2:29 AM
'Delirious tremendous', recites: 1)It is the plane, it is the plane endures. 2)Your comic null'ty roiled my blankness through. 3)Dross of such 'bland' determined me off bores. 4)What further verse from this 'creep' 'mersion cures ? 5)What wryness now could 'the old valve' renew ? 6)It is the plane , it is the plane endures ! Young Bather: Shakspear ?
Posted by: Sam L. | August 28, 2008 9:54 AM
"Just our luck sailors! Survive a shipwreck only to be washed up on quicksand and then be rescued by a retarded man-child. Where's my rum when I need it?"
Posted by: Bobby the Blue | August 28, 2008 12:05 PM
"I got to quit drinking tequila."
Posted by: The J Man | August 28, 2008 12:06 PM
"I told you guys. That stripper was just too cheap to be legit."
Posted by: The J Man | August 28, 2008 12:08 PM
"Way to go Larry, lamest bachelor party ever!"
Posted by: Brownchickenbrowncow | August 28, 2008 12:25 PM
"For the love of God, smother us quickly and end our nightmare existence. We have been the subjects of an unthinkable experiment."
Posted by: J.D. | August 28, 2008 2:00 PM
'Delirious', conceiving himself at a Karaoke Bar: 1)'Ditto Leo, 'Ditto Leo', many named you. 2)You're unlike 'Tom Dandy', with 's idyllic style. 3) Is it only 'cause you're roofless they disdained you ? 4) For the 'Ditto Leo' feckless in your smile ? 5)Do you smile to tempt a 'mover', 'Ditto Leo'? 6)Or is this your way to bleed a broken heart ? 7)Many dreams have been blown on this beachhead. 8)They just tread here, ere they 'bed' here. 9)Are you worn, are you real, 'Ditto Leo'? 10)Or just a vapid, vaporous, empty piece apart ? --'Ditto Leo': "Jeezum !"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 28, 2008 3:08 PM
"We wouldn't mind if you brought a couple of midets."
Posted by: NAMBY | August 28, 2008 3:44 PM
or "midgets" for that matter
Posted by: NAMBY | August 28, 2008 3:45 PM
"Okay, Billy... Break's over. Back under the sand!"
"I was afraid you'd eat me whole! But, you CAN eat me hole! Argh!"
"We have to sleep with the fishes... why do YOU get to sleep with the gulls?"
"I got a job! And fortunately
it was a head job"
Posted by: Johnny V | August 28, 2008 8:41 PM
Renovation and repair of nearby caption involving 'Ditto Leo': In line 3, change 'roofless' to 'rootless'. In line, beginning 'Are you worn, are you real', change 'are you real' to 'do you peel'-- not that it's gonna do me any good-ha! ha! .
Posted by: Sam L. | August 29, 2008 10:57 AM
"Koren ain't got squat on Kanin....Poe neither !"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 29, 2008 1:14 PM
"It seemed that out of battle I escaped Down some profound dull tunnel, long since scooped Through granites which titanic wars had groined. Yet also there encumbered sleepers groaned Too fast in thought or death to be bestirred." --- Man- Child: "O...Wen ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 29, 2008 1:48 PM
"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair !" ? -- "Nothing beside remains!" ?! -- "The lone and level sands stretch far away." ? .... Hogwash ! OZYMANDIAS here ! The report of our deaths has been greatly exaggerated !
Posted by: Sam L. | August 29, 2008 5:05 PM
"Your extraordinarily long legs have saved you from certain death. Now, you must pull yourself free and swim!...Swim like you've never swam before!!"
[Michael Phelps, the early years]
Posted by: al in la | August 29, 2008 6:52 PM
Are you from the nursing home?
Posted by: Shawn | August 29, 2008 10:54 PM
"We're littorally up to our necks."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | August 29, 2008 11:50 PM
GreenieStickemCaps :
I love your use of homonyms. That was just a quick props before I give this a shot in the next entry.
Posted by: The Baroness | August 30, 2008 8:42 AM
Somehow, this is always how I pictured hell.
Posted by: The Baroness | August 30, 2008 11:00 AM
Get outta my sun!
Posted by: Greg Urbaitis | August 30, 2008 12:34 PM
"Didja hear who that crazy fucker McCain picked as his running mate?"
Posted by: Dave | August 30, 2008 1:42 PM
"All this, and you didn't even get a lousy t-shirt."
Posted by: Dave | August 30, 2008 1:45 PM
"Jesus goes to the Jersey shore."
"Mervin finally felt that he truly was head and shoulders above the rest."
"No one wanted to bury their head in the sand, especially Mervin."
Posted by: Garex | August 30, 2008 2:00 PM
"Are you a land luber? Me and the boys use K-Y jelly fish. The sting drives seamen crazy."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | August 30, 2008 3:52 PM
"Bean there, doone that!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 30, 2008 5:02 PM
"Big Easy--Bay of Fundy ? Whaddya expect ? ....O, Canada, Our home and native land.."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 30, 2008 5:23 PM
"Big Easy--Bay of Fundy ? Whaddya expect ? ....O, Canada, Our home and native land.."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 30, 2008 5:26 PM
"Where d'you raise your kids: Celebration, Florida?"
"Bend over and give me a little shade, willya Einstein?"
"Ever heard of Nautilus? No, not the shell, the bar-centric weight training machine."
Posted by: Mike F. | August 30, 2008 7:41 PM
Some say the world will end in fire...
Posted by: Sharon W. | August 31, 2008 1:09 AM
"Fred, please don't bury yourself here. We heard that you have AIDS and you might infect the lot of us."
Posted by: fred turd | August 31, 2008 1:16 AM
Fred, please resign yourself from this gathering. You did't defecate into the pail first.
Posted by: fred turd | August 31, 2008 1:22 AM
"I counted thirty eels now" answered Reinhart. "This will be a successful trip. If you can stand still now, a hundred will go into the pail."
Posted by: fred turd | August 31, 2008 1:32 AM
Fred, please resign yourself from this gathering. You did not defecate into the pail first.
Posted by: fred turd | August 31, 2008 1:33 AM
"Credo, ergo sum."
Posted by: Sam L. | August 31, 2008 5:14 AM
Sorry: "Cogito, ergo sum." --following Descartes. Hey, it's 4 in the morning ! I'm out.
Posted by: Sam L. | August 31, 2008 5:26 AM
So you want me to tell beach patrol that a 7-year-old in a pink bathing suit and green crocs got you to let her bury you in the sand and then ran off with all your money and stuff? And, you think they can lift her fingerprints off the pail. Okay. Just stay put and I’ll go get help.
Posted by: Sharon W. | August 31, 2008 12:54 PM
So you want me to tell beach patrol that a 7-year-old in a pink bathing suit and green crocs got you to let her bury you in the sand and then ran off with all your money and stuff? And, you think they can lift her fingerprints off the pail. Okay. Just stay put and I’ll go get help.
Posted by: Sharon W. | August 31, 2008 12:55 PM
"What did you join? The French Local Legion?"
Posted by: Douglas Harrison | August 31, 2008 6:22 PM
"How disgusting, Fred! Those are semen stains on your trunks. I am now most certain that Commisioner Abernathy will surely vote "NO" of proposition 185."
Posted by: fred turd | August 31, 2008 9:44 PM