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August 25, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #158

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here for last week's results.

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Results after the jump:

Winner:

"I'd hate to be in your shoes! Oh, wait..." - T.G. Gibbon

Finalists:

"Have you been swimming in the ocean or are you just really, really not glad to see us?" - djack

"Now remember kid, they won't bail you out until you're in up to your neck...Now just relax and let the invisible hand of the free market do its work." - al in la

Best reference to HS English class poem:

"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair !" ? -- "Nothing beside remains!" ?! -- "The lone and level sands stretch far away." ? .... Hogwash ! OZYMANDIAS here ! The report of our deaths has been greatly exaggerated !" - Sam L.

Other Honorable Mentions:

"Ironically, we're bored serfs." - therblig

Norbert experienced constant teasing about his torticollis, even by the sand-busts of friends and family that he fashioned each day at the beach. But his pain was always replaced by sheer joy as the heads dissolved in the tide, their petulant voices silenced by the sea. - LV

"I hate performance art." - Dave

Posted by Deborah

Comments

No, actually, I dont want any head.

Am I anywhere near the ninth circle of hell, or did I just turn into a dumpy, half-naked David Byrne?

You know what you guys remind me of? That Ally McBeal episode where a guy kicks his wife in the head and then claims in court hes got that mental condition that Oliver Sacks wrote about and so he thought her head was a soccer ball lying on the beach. You remember that episode? Well, anyway, thats what you guys remind me of.

Im haunted by the faces of my victims.

I suppose you think that *this* will stop me from taking a piss on the beach if I feel like it.

Oh, it's sand-aerobics...a rigorous aerobic workout conducted on sand that provides resistance for maximum strength, stamina and balance. Only class ended a few days ago and now we're all about to die....so, a little help please?

"Get your toes away from my dick."

"They walk up to homeless guys and ask 'how would you like a free weekend at the beach?' and ..."

Jerome thought a trip to the beach would help with his whitehead problem.

"Hey... hey you... you look like a sissy, with your, your sissy Valentine's shorts. What? You're girlfriend got 'em for ya? Hah, sissy boy. Hey, everyone, look at the sissy boy with his sissy boy boxers. Ahahahack ackkkk hack grrlllkkkk hack... I got sand in my throat."

"I am haunted by the shoulders of my victims."
"I am haunted by the shores by my victims."
"I am haunted by the victims by my soles."

"I cried because I had no feet. Then I met some men who had no bodies and I was mildly intrigued. How did they get to the beach?"

Sorry but we're "sand-wizards", so you're still gonna be hungry.

"We told you it was fucking quicksand, shithead. You had to walk in here and check it out. Now who's going to get help, dumbass?"

"So then Jerry came to find out what happened to Me. Then Sam came to see where Jerry went. Then Irv came looking for Sam. Wally was searching for Irv. Mike finally came after Wally. Then you showed up. No wait, I think Sam came before Irv. Let me start over again."

click here to see last weeks results?

Bitten to death by sand fleas or scorched to death by the sun... you know, I'm pretty sure this is a textbook lose-lose situation.

You idiot, can't you tell this is a nude beach?

"Yeah, we get that all the time. 'Easter Island just doesn't have the grandeur I expected.' Well grandeur this pal - er, damn, well, you'll have to imagine you can see my finger."

"We've all got crabs."

"Just last week, we were Guest-Bloggers! Now look at us ..."

"I'm hunted by the faces of my victims."

"You think we got it bad - at least none of us has a pail for a head like poor ol' Pail-Head over there."

"Next time you assist old people with suicide, try to be less creative, you little fucker."

"They can bury me neck-deep in sand, but they can't make me not like young boys. Can I suck on your toes?"

"You call 'buried up to your ankles' living dangerously? Hell, one good wave could kill the six of us. Hey! don't give me that look. When I was your age I had respect for my elders. Now you bury yourself real deep right this minute!"

"Hey Tommy! Kevin won't be back for half an hour. Just dig out your feet and run and get help ok? You must so that we don't all die here! Helloooo! Tommy? Tommy, can you hear me?"

"Have you been swimming in the ocean or are you just really, really not glad to see us?"

"Yo, Harry! Is that your head in the sand?"

"I hope I don't have to share the black guy's ants."

"Move it, asshole--you're blocking my sun."

" Et tu, 'Two Shoes'?"

"You've heard of quicksand? This is slowsand, but you're just as fucked."

"I want to tell you my secret now. I see head people."

It's really not so bad, except when the grunion come. And I do mean "come".

"Bad move, Singapore."

"Who knew ?! 'Il Societa' Lombroso' is still active in the area."

"If you're just going in up to your feet, you're not really in the meeting with the rest of us. That's sorta like being on speakerphone."

"If this was `Whack-A-Mole', YOU'D be the one in a bad spot right now, kid. Think about that while Frank bites your toes off. Fuckin' wiseguy."

"Whatever you hear, stay away! Beach Pail's got the upper hand!"
-- from Andrew Kevin Walker's rejected early draft for "Se7en"

"Wow, is it 8'o'clock already? The sun is setting earlier now. I guess summer really is ending.*sigh*"

"This is exactly why I hate Photoshop."

Ok, the human sundial thing just isn't working. For one thing, this guy is too chunky to be an effective gnomon. Yeah, that's right "gnomon" - that's what it's called. Jeez, read a fucking book sometime. Also, there are only 6 of us and we're not in a circle.

"Don't worry, kid, you'll soon be 'taunted by the soles' of every ectomorph out here-- that's 'Skinny-on-the-Beach' to you !"

All My Perverted Uncles on FOX this fall, following the Simpsons.

"Charles Addams ain't got squat on Kanin !"

"Help! Leslie Nielsen did this to all of us!"

"HEY! Do you mind? We're trying to breathe down here."

"This meeting of the Illuminati is now in session."

"The ocean? Tjhat's beyond the pail."

We're like that Steinberg cover, except, instead of streets, we're the various residents of New York - the guy with the beard is from Greenwich Village, the black guy is from Harlem, the guy with the cap is either Yankee or Shea stadium. After that, it's hard to say. It's just not that clever an idea.

Nice package Mary.

"Be damned! Hey, 'Beard', get a load of our Kenny 'Boy' Jennings now ! Doing his, what you say, like 'my Aristophanes-Aristosthenes'.. whatever! Frigin' brain ! I mean, if'n we'd of studied..."

"So where did you read about this Soft Beach Diet, The Sand Paper? By next week we might not be fat, but we'll still be idiots."

"Y'know, it's rude to stare at people's busts."

Yes, it certainly is a sunni day. Because we've been beheaded. By Muslims. Sunni Muslims.

"Him ? That's 'Socrates'. What's it to you ?"

Yes, it certainly is a sunni day. Because we've been beheaded. By Muslims. Sunni Muslims.

"Yes its true son, a lazy cartoonist can get you killed!...Now, for the love of God, go get a fountain pen and some ink...and hurry!...The tide's coming in!"

"Yeah, mebbe, but I know it war'n no damn Iroquois come up with no 'anthill torture'! Fuck, Flathead 'll tell you ! ...'Flat', hey 'Flat' ! Apache, war'n it ?"

"Can you give me a hand?"

"Once more, Jennings ! 'Jefferson'...'Socrates'...'Aldo,Aldo Ray'...'Fag', a.k.a. 'Fagin', ...'Flathead', naturally.....me,I'm 'Brando'."

Fuck Matt Yglesias.

"Good Lord, you've gotten fat, Gilligan! Now dig us out and help us shave off Ginger's beard."

No fair standing on your sons shoulders.

"Is that your shadow, or urine? Because it doesn't taste like a shadow."

I like black girls. Who here is with me?

"No, this is the Santa Monica Upskirt Society. You want the Southern California Downblouse Federation, over by the the lifeguard's chair."

So, did that Phelps kid win all eight gold medals?

Can this be the end for Fat Old Justice League? Topless Wonder Woman, you're our only hope!

I don't like this "no-ethnic-profiling" Jack Bauer at all.

"You know, the guy to your right looks an awful lot like Torgo from 'Manos The Hands Of Fate'."

"Listen up, gang ! 'Jennings' here and 'Socrates' have been woiking on dis theory. So dis here's a cartoon, okay ? 'Status Quo' as hell, okay ? Capiche ? ..You havin' a problem, 'Flathead'? 'No brainer', right ? ..Okay, follow me 'here: cartoon's fiction, 'greed ? Dis is 'Soc' & 'Jennings', see ! Alright, so we all know from 'Socrates'..mebbe 'Aristotal', actual, how no single element thru' any leastways 'half ass' dramatic structure in its entire, may go 'sui generis'; i.e., dumbing down fo' 'Flat' now --'GO OFF ON ITS OWN'! Capiche ? So, okay, 'Soc' has it dis here's Fire Island. So who's to argue, or complain ?! Follow me here: so Fire Island-New York-New Yorker. 'Class', right ? 'Crust'? You here, 'Flat' ? 'Ergo'(that there's from 'Socrates'!), every element here about us now--until the 'horizon', so to speak--must relate in some important way (follow us- yes,us !-here), in some significant way, we claim, to the predic....., ur, to the cartoon as an entire, and that's pretty much 'Soc', that last. - So, okay, to 'finish off', if that's the right words--and I'll be going over all this again with you, 'Flat', later on, by the way, if you wish, in line with 'Soc's' paedogo..... , pedogogi... ur, pedant principles.--But to 'polish off'-- and this is pretty much 'Soc' & 'Jennings', see--we're fingering them birds ! Capiche ? Yeah, them 'boids'! 'Oil tree o' dem' ! What else dey dere ? Pretty ? Nah ! ..Forget de pail, 'Flathead'!... 'Jennings'? Nah, 'Soc' 'vouchs' dere, good kid an' so fort' ! 'Cerebelum type'! Ya see ?! What leavs dem boids ! Follow ? What ain't th'foist time with boids ! ...... I mean, 'less dis here's PLAYBOY ? Forget dat ! Dey puts 'crap' ! ....Anyways, dis 's to where 'Soc'& 'Jennings' come ! Dey 'brains' ! .........I'm 'Brando'."

The tide is relentless

And over here I have a potato that looks like Jerry Garcia.

Name's Lawrence. Mr. Lawrence. Merry F'ing Christmas.

"Ye it behooves to take another road", Responded he, when he beheld us weeping, "If from this savage place ye would escape." ....Yeah ! So were we having ? NOOOOOOO !!

The worst is at night when the sand crabs try to feast on your eyes... Oh God! Please just kill me now!

Well, at least we can piss without embarrassing ourselves.

I swear to god I would blow you for just a tiny sip of water.

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."

"The worst part is the forecast only called for 1 to 3 inches."

I changed my mind, I'm collecting Hummel figurines instead. Unfortunately, I can't set you guys free, because I too am also partially buried.

"No wonder Gore Vidal took his name off this piece of shit."

"We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!"

Oh god...the sand...it's pressing in on my lungs. Can't breathe...tell my family I love them and I'm sorry. (Coughs feebly and dies.)

Dennis Hopper Jr. performing with Coppola by the Sea.

"Seize him!"

"This is pretty rough treatment, but nothing compared to what Senator John McCain endured. The guy was a POW at the Hanoi Hilton, for crying out loud. Did you know that?"

"Huh. Guess they're still working out the bugs on this genetically-modified cabbage."

"Honestly, I'm not sure a minimalist production is the right choice for a work like 'Bluebeard'. I favor a more traditional approach."

"Google goggle!
Google goggle!
We accept you!
We accept you!
One of us!
One of us!"

"I'd hate to be in your shoes! Oh, wait..."

"Help? Nah, we're just doing this for our resumes. I want to be a band manager and Steve wants to be a bank manager and Larry wants his own chain of car washes and, well, anyway, we figured if five years in the Hanoi Hilton qualified you for president then an afternoon of this should be enough to get us where we want to go."

"Watch out for Chester A. Arthur's head; he bites."

"Gary Glitter is going to get you for this, sugartits."

Norbert experienced constant teasing about his torticollis, even by the sand-busts of friends and family that he fashioned each day at the beach. But his pain was always replaced by sheer joy as the heads dissolved in the tide, their petulant voices silenced by the sea.

"We ought to be aware of 'ragged claws Scuttling across the floor of silent seas'."

Excuse me, a little privacy please!

"Quick, use that bucket and pail to trap a seagull for us. They're our only source of food."

Exceedingly trying, young man. Yes, indeed. I keep hearing, "HAPPY DAYS is here again"-- which isn't even the proper English, don't you know ! ..Alright, I appreciate that that may be rather, shall we say, 'old school' on my part--and yet, as one may often hear it said in France--I shall translate here-- "Each to his own taste".

"All I'm saying is, I wouldn't be smiling if I was 40 pounds overweight."

"I realize that I'm not exactly God's gift to women, but at least I don't look like that guy over there who's head closely resembles a bucket."

"I've cause to regret, here at this age, young fellow, my peroration (fine, not rea... ur, not actually mine, really); the peroration I delivered ''pun' this very le. ..ur, shore, these thirty year now flown by : ....Great God ! I'd rather be A Pagan suckled in a creed outworn; So might I, standing [Sic!] on this pleasant lea, Have glimpses that would make me less forlorn; Have sight of Proteus rising from the sea; Or hear old Triton blow his wreath'ed horn. --It would appear Wordsworth was more 'the rage'....'back in the day'. .......And yet you, young man, how come you here ?"

"You can call him 'Flathead'; you can call him 'Mohandas'.

Delirious Man:(Sings) 1)Mr. 'Sunman', bring me a dream....2)Make him the cutest that I've ever seen....3)Give him two lips like roses and cream....4)Then tell him that his lonely nights are over ! 5)'Sunman', I'm so alone 6)Don't have nobody to call my own 7)Please turn on your magic beam 8) Mr. 'Sunman', bring me a dream....9) Mr. 'Sunman', bring me a dream 10) Make him the cutest that I've ever seen 10)Give him the word that I'm not a rover.... Young Man: Hi !

"Exit strategy?...Sounds to me like you hate our freedom!"

Yeah, we're still waiting for our flood insurance to come through. Say would you mind getting us some Jack in da Crack?

Now whip it out and piss on our heads while at the same time twisting violently. That's the only way to do the human sprinkler!

Welcome to your future Frank. This is the way the government deals with putter asses now. I hope you like sand crabs and itchy assholes, buddy!

"The hourglasses here are obscene." [A nod to Squidocto

.]

Digger, please!

If you saw how unimpressive your bulge is, you'd start digging a deeper hole, too.

"First one to slim down enough gets the part of Yorrick!"

"The chile-cheese dog recipe is sacred to our tribe, not to be shared with outsiders. Brash youth! Who sent you?"

"I'm 1' 3" and that's pretty darn impressive, but
you! You really take the cake, mister!"

"When Jesus returns, we'll be given eternal life, necks, torsos, weiners, the whoooooole shebang!"

"On the other hand, my inner life is rich and fulfilling beyond conventional standards."

"Come back at high tide, and you'll see what really happens to the victims of our faces."

I have to say, gents, you're taking book club too seriously.

I have to say, gents, you're taking book club too seriously.

Yeah, I didn't drink the Kool-aid, either, guys. I had my fingers crossed when I took that oath, and me and my mass wedding wife are moving to Reno. You're a bunch of saps and you make me sick.

"Just wait."

"Can you get that black guy out of here? I mean really."

"You're a 'pail imitation' of us... har har har."

"I hate performance art."

"True grit."

"Life's a beach."

"Hey fellas, get a load of this sap -- he's only two feet under."

Pussy.

The Palm Springs mafia is sure getting lazy.

"What's to wonder ? Ha' ye n'er read Melville, boy ?! 'Moby'-Chapter 1, Paragraph 3: 'Circumnavigate the city of a dreamy Sabbath afternoon.......Posted like silent sentinels all around the town [sic!], stand thousands and thousands of mortal men fixed in ocean reveries. Some leaning against the spiles; some seated upon the pier-heads'-- and so on. ...All 'salt' here, pining for the antipodes ! Yer'll no go wrong, boy !"

"Now remember kid, they won't bail you out until you're in up to your neck...Now just relax and let the invisible hand of the free market do its work."

The beaches of Thailand after the tsunami were littered with ugly men, but Joey just continued his search for shells.

"This is Hell, and we were gay men in life. Turns out it was a cardinal sin to be unattractive."

It's not so bad when you consider that our counterparts in China have their feet sticking out.

"It's not a comb-over. The tide just plasters it that way."

"Timmy! Find Lassie! Tell her 'trouble at the beach.' Yes, those are my instructions...now move it you slack jawed little cretin."

"The ebb ain't bad. Its the effing flow."

"Don't just stand there, build a sand mausoleum around us worthy of the ages! Or are you not the one, the beachcomber child the oracle spoke of?"

"Actually, we do quite well on sporadic seaweed and the kindness of strangers."


"All together now! 'I-I-I-I-I-I ain't got no body.

'"

"He's the New Yorker's token 'black cartoon character'! Court orders ! ...Don't you know the 'sombitchs' would be begrudging about it !"

Ironically, we're bored serfs.

The first rule of quicksand club is you do not talk about quicksand club.

Well if you won't bring back food, will you at least crap in my mouth? SHUT UP, I ASKED HIM FIRST!

Delirious Raving: "O'er many beaches bord'ring many seas, You have come, 'Neddy', to these melancholy rites, To show this final honour to our heads, And speak (to what purpose ?) o'er our violate faces ; Yet now fate takes you, even you, alas ! Oh, 'Neddy', 'clipped' here from us so cruelly, Now at last take my last 'sayings', blessed By the tradition of our parents, gifts 'to this head': Accept, by custom, what a brother's tears drown, And for eternity, 'Neddy', 'Hail and Farewell'."

Well, it's a long story. We were at a party. His ear lobe fell in the deep. Someone reached in and grabbed it. It was a rock lobster. We were at the beach. Everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock. And there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster.

Dude. Your balls. Shave.

"Who's talking 'pisces', kid ?! Did any body here--yeah, go on and snicker, go on--mention anything about 'pisces' ?! 'Hook', you mention any 'pisces' ?! I said...I said: Feces , F-E-C-E-S ; or, alternatively, Faeces, F-A-E-C-E-S ! Got it ! That there's Long Island Sound...so we're 'haunted by the feces (F-E-C-E-S) of our victims' ! 'Jeeze' ! Kids today !"

"With gas prices at an all time high, this really cuts down on the cost of sunscreen."

"Did any of you happen to catch who was kicked off Project Runway last night?"

"Duck, Duck, Goose....anyone?"

"Damnit, i lose the staring contest again...Ok, ok, ok....best 59 out of 117...i got all day....i'm not going anywhere."

"Head, Shoulders, Knees, and.....um....knees....and...SHITTTTTT!!!!!!!

"What's up with 'Gustav'?

"Plane overhead. 'Fakir' hears 'em first. All his 'five and seven senses', you see....., or maybe not."

"Keep in mind, fellows :'A man is rich in proportion to the things he can let alone'!"

So that leaves McCain poor, right ? Figuratively speaking, I mean !

"The undertow and the jellyfish may be keeping people out of the surf today, but it's the sand that's giving me a real pain in the ass!"

"Oh, and best of all, because of some stupid 'Go topless' movement we were able to put up video of chicks parading around with their tits out. Well, anyway, just thought we'd pop in with an update. Thanks again for letting us guest blog and enjoy the rest of your vacation, Daniel."

Thompson, I'm beginning to question your commitment to NAMSCLA*. (National Man-Sand Crab Love Association)

'Delirious tremendous', recites: 1)It is the plane, it is the plane endures. 2)Your comic null'ty roiled my blankness through. 3)Dross of such 'bland' determined me off bores. 4)What further verse from this 'creep' 'mersion cures ? 5)What wryness now could 'the old valve' renew ? 6)It is the plane , it is the plane endures ! Young Bather: Shakspear ?

"Just our luck sailors! Survive a shipwreck only to be washed up on quicksand and then be rescued by a retarded man-child. Where's my rum when I need it?"

"I got to quit drinking tequila."

"I told you guys. That stripper was just too cheap to be legit."


"Way to go Larry, lamest bachelor party ever!"

"For the love of God, smother us quickly and end our nightmare existence. We have been the subjects of an unthinkable experiment."

'Delirious', conceiving himself at a Karaoke Bar: 1)'Ditto Leo, 'Ditto Leo', many named you. 2)You're unlike 'Tom Dandy', with 's idyllic style. 3) Is it only 'cause you're roofless they disdained you ? 4) For the 'Ditto Leo' feckless in your smile ? 5)Do you smile to tempt a 'mover', 'Ditto Leo'? 6)Or is this your way to bleed a broken heart ? 7)Many dreams have been blown on this beachhead. 8)They just tread here, ere they 'bed' here. 9)Are you worn, are you real, 'Ditto Leo'? 10)Or just a vapid, vaporous, empty piece apart ? --'Ditto Leo': "Jeezum !"

"We wouldn't mind if you brought a couple of midets."

or "midgets" for that matter

"Okay, Billy... Break's over. Back under the sand!"

"I was afraid you'd eat me whole! But, you CAN eat me hole! Argh!"

"We have to sleep with the fishes... why do YOU get to sleep with the gulls?"

"I got a job! And fortunately
it was a head job"

Renovation and repair of nearby caption involving 'Ditto Leo': In line 3, change 'roofless' to 'rootless'. In line, beginning 'Are you worn, are you real', change 'are you real' to 'do you peel'-- not that it's gonna do me any good-ha! ha! .

"Koren ain't got squat on Kanin....Poe neither !"

"It seemed that out of battle I escaped Down some profound dull tunnel, long since scooped Through granites which titanic wars had groined. Yet also there encumbered sleepers groaned Too fast in thought or death to be bestirred." --- Man- Child: "O...Wen ?"

"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair !" ? -- "Nothing beside remains!" ?! -- "The lone and level sands stretch far away." ? .... Hogwash ! OZYMANDIAS here ! The report of our deaths has been greatly exaggerated !

"Your extraordinarily long legs have saved you from certain death. Now, you must pull yourself free and swim!...Swim like you've never swam before!!"
[Michael Phelps, the early years]

Are you from the nursing home?

"We're littorally up to our necks."

GreenieStickemCaps :
I love your use of homonyms. That was just a quick props before I give this a shot in the next entry.

Somehow, this is always how I pictured hell.

Get outta my sun!

"Didja hear who that crazy fucker McCain picked as his running mate?"

"All this, and you didn't even get a lousy t-shirt."

"Jesus goes to the Jersey shore."

"Mervin finally felt that he truly was head and shoulders above the rest."

"No one wanted to bury their head in the sand, especially Mervin."

"Are you a land luber? Me and the boys use K-Y jelly fish. The sting drives seamen crazy."

"Bean there, doone that!"

"Big Easy--Bay of Fundy ? Whaddya expect ? ....O, Canada, Our home and native land.."

"Big Easy--Bay of Fundy ? Whaddya expect ? ....O, Canada, Our home and native land.."

"Where d'you raise your kids: Celebration, Florida?"

"Bend over and give me a little shade, willya Einstein?"

"Ever heard of Nautilus? No, not the shell, the bar-centric weight training machine."

Some say the world will end in fire...

"Fred, please don't bury yourself here. We heard that you have AIDS and you might infect the lot of us."

Fred, please resign yourself from this gathering. You did't defecate into the pail first.

"I counted thirty eels now" answered Reinhart. "This will be a successful trip. If you can stand still now, a hundred will go into the pail."

Fred, please resign yourself from this gathering. You did not defecate into the pail first.

"Credo, ergo sum."

Sorry: "Cogito, ergo sum." --following Descartes. Hey, it's 4 in the morning ! I'm out.

So you want me to tell beach patrol that a 7-year-old in a pink bathing suit and green crocs got you to let her bury you in the sand and then ran off with all your money and stuff? And, you think they can lift her fingerprints off the pail. Okay. Just stay put and I’ll go get help.

So you want me to tell beach patrol that a 7-year-old in a pink bathing suit and green crocs got you to let her bury you in the sand and then ran off with all your money and stuff? And, you think they can lift her fingerprints off the pail. Okay. Just stay put and I’ll go get help.

"What did you join? The French Local Legion?"

"How disgusting, Fred! Those are semen stains on your trunks. I am now most certain that Commisioner Abernathy will surely vote "NO" of proposition 185."

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