August 18, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #157

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

Results after the jump:


"What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you. Did you just scream?" — Alan Weld


"This is fucking terrible wine." — Trotman

"It's just stick-on wallpaper; you can get it anywhere." — stcoleridge

Honorable Mentions:

"Then we're agreed. The revised list of official planetary names shall now read: Mercutits, Penis, Earthgina, Farts, Poopiter, Assturn, Uranus, and Nepboobs. All in favor?" — Mr. Sad Head

"For a parallel universe it sure looks diagnol." — mort drucker

"I swear, when I look out on this I feel like God himself. Except for the fact, of course, that I actually exist." — Steve_O

Posted by Harry


Nice acid!

They're all there except Pluto. I fucking hate Pluto.

"Eleanor left me last week. She said she needed less space."

My decorator said edgy and I'm like, fuck edgy I'm paying you and he's like well I have a vision and I'm like, you pay for your own fucking vision and then we got into a major fist fight and I got knocked in the head and when I came to this was my living room it was like trading spaces on drugs you know that episode where the people start screaming "put everything back aaahh!" except I think I'll keep it so here we are, more wine?

"Why are you just sitting there? That crack on the floor is getting bigger by the month!"

"If you think the screen saver is cool, wait till I pop in this snuff film I just made! I mean bought."

Saturn looks like a hotdog in a hamburger bun because it IS one, and I know because I've been there. Anybody else want some more absinthe?

"The space mural makes this room seem very large."

Sure it's a lot of stairs, but I think the view is worth it.

he said Uranus

"This wallpaper really doesn't accurately represent the whole 'My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas' thing. But I guess, in hindsight, that doesn't work anymore with Pluto gone.

It's said in space they can't hear you scream. That's why I brought that cunt with the makeup caked on like a trollop up here and broke her fucking arm. Thinning hair my ass.

Funny story... it turns out I could hear her just fine.

Our interior designer says walls are so 2007.

"Channeling Carl Sagan, channeling Carl Sagan ! Do you read me, Carl ? ...Over!"

"Cable company sucked. So we went with satellite."

"This is fucking terrible wine."

"One day we were driving down the road behind Planet Earth and we thought, what the fuck, let's just move to Venus, leave everything behind except a couch and a couple of chairs, perhaps a non-functional lamp, and of course, some wine glasses and a case or two of Merlot."

"Boy, the universe background in this living room really makes the lamp next to me seem insignificant and pointless."

"Boy Ted, I gotta say; from an angle, your wife really bears a resemblance to a snowman."

"It helps me keep America's decline in perspective. I couldn't keep running to the Hubble website."

"Fran and I saw this great documentary on PBS and thought: why shouldn't we be the ones to colonize Titan?"

"It's starting to rain. We should probably go inside."

"I met Buzz Aldrin once. Nice guy."

yeah, it's a total bitch to clean.

"Z'rbtron? Please! Gl'rbnox is the most skilled anal prober!"

It was as diagonal as anything he'd ever seen. (H/T - Rubrick)

"We eliminated all our clutter. But in the process, we created a ton of space debris."

"Ow! It's raining planets!"

It seemed appropriate, my being a shoemaker named Levy and all.

"When we divorced, Number Six not only stole my DNA and copied every memory from my brain for some Cylon experiment. She also took the house."

"Gentlemen, as you can see, Mr. Bunyan has severe buttock acne."

"Sorry about the varnish fumes. If you're feeling nausous, don't worry. All vomit will be sucked discreetely into space!"

"The hours here are sidereal"

"My flat screen TV is so fucking huge I had to level half the solar system to install it properly. So enjoy."

Last night we saw two Martians fucking.

"...and never again did I see a hooker bleed like that. Nope. So, how long do we have to wait here in purgatory before we get the call from 'upstairs'?"

"Good luck breathing in about three minutes."

And then Hawking says, "Perhaps then they will have seen into the mind of your interior decorator". Funny guy, Hawking.

And on the 12th day God created Swedish furniture.

"When you wrote and said you'd 'met a chick', we didn't take you literally. ..Frankly, Horace, you're disgusting !"

"Captain's Log, Stardate: 08.18.2008. We've ---- run out --- of --- cheez-its."

The planets are aligned. Let's orgy.

"I don't give a damn what he said ! A straight line is still the shortest distance between two points ! Screw Einstein !"

"Well, gentleman, I say we end this miserable fucking experiment we call 'the universe' and hit the titty bar. The idiots on the third planet from the star in the center of this solar system are on the verge of accidentally discovering inter-dimensional travel, what with all that super-collider atom smashing they do, and I don't want one of them knuckle-draggers dating my daughter."

"I'm positive I've seen your new 'boyfriend' somewhere before, Dottie. Hmmm ? Sempe', was it ?"

"Saturn hell ! That's 'Munchies' ! Think I'm lying, check 'International Star Registry.com' !"

Funny story. Through circumstances I won't go into, I was granted one wish. So, I wished for the Mount Palomar experience. How could the genie have known that Palomar is my Mexican houseboy? I guess the joke's on me.

"Oh, that ! It's named BUSH...dimmest of the four thousand some-odd visible stars in our nighttime sky...nice twenty-twenty, by the way !"

"Interplanet Janet? No, we've never had her over."

"In space, nobody can hear you scream your secretary's name while you're tapping your wife's ass."

Do you feel poor yet? Because I can take you to the spaceport and fly you to one of those planets if you still think it isn't stupid to say "we're both rich."

Almost perfect. We're suing the contractor over the jagged crack in the floor.

"I use comets to keep my solar system tank sparkling clean."

Nope. No children. Turns out Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. And no, it's not because it's cold as hell - it's the lack of good schools.

"So I said, 'MILE High Club?!!!... Fuck that! I got one better!"

"....Okay... some people also call me Maurice."

"Dave?... Uh, Dave? Earth to Dave?!"

"...so I said, 'Move?! Are you out of your Vulcan mind?!"

"Boring frigin' diatoms nowadays. ..'Oceanic warming', no doubt."

"It made more sense with the baby velcroed to the wall, but then the neighbor called Children Services and let's just say they aren't big Kubrick fans over there."

"Boring frigin' diatoms nowadays. ..'Oceanic warming', no doubt."

"Actually it's strips of wallpaper! Now that you know, be honest: do you notice the edges?"

"The nearest urinal is one hundred billion light years away."

"All the World's a stage except for those that can't act like Keanu Reeves or Ashton Kutcher."

So you see, there is a hot dog at the center of the universe.

"And to think, if not for my Avodart prescription, I would never have gotten this finished in time for the gala."

"After a few more glasses of wine, I predict the next Big Bang will happen right there on the love seat."

"The neighborhood really declined when the black holes moved in. And the black ho's."

Great, a black dwarf star. There goes the neighborhood.

"Let's pretend it's the 1970s. I'll start. 'Say, have you been down to see those hideous World Trade towers yet? Looks like the boxes the Empire State and Chrysler Buildings came in. Seriously, somebody should blow that nasty shit up. Hahaha.'"

"When the moon is in the 7th House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars,
Then peace will guide the planets,
And a well-hung, cutie-pie bisexual will live in the White House. Oh grow up you know it's true."

"Yeah, the lamp is solar powered."

"Where did it come from? Well to be honest, we're not sure."

"Our last house was much closer to the Earth, but they Harriet got buyer's remorse."

Sorry - that should have said "but THEN Harriet got buyer's remorse."

I can explain the reference if anyone's interested. Go to my site, get my e-mail address, and e-mail me.

"Why yes, I suppose it does make one feel small and insignificant. And thanks for the buzz kill you pompous ass."

"Helen says it makes my dick look iddy biddy."

I love all the extra space. Plus no one can hear the screams of my victims.

Okay, you "aliens." Enough with the stargazing. Who wants the first anal probe?

The realtor said this location would give me lots of space and...OH GOD! THERE'S NO OXYGEN! MY LUNGS ARE FILLING WITH BLOOD!!!

Planets aren't good feng shui? Well, he can feng shui my yin yang, I told 'em.

...and then shortly after I bought it, I realized I was agoraphobic.

"Boy I tell you what, I wouldn't mind having a crack at that Heidi Montag."

"....the landlord said he was just going to put a peephole in. Well, you can imagine how I gave him a piece of my mind when I saw this. He's said he'll have it taken off the rent."

"....howsa 'bout I show you MY UFO...Unidentified
FLY Object..."

"....after a while, vast blows."

"No offense, but I kind of thought heaven would be more exciting than this."

"We woke up this morning and all the world was a stage. Don't fall into the orchestra pit."

"Now, you shall witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle davenport!"

"I admit I enjoy the free booze, the shrimp puffs, rubbbing elbows with big shots...It's a great sky box, Chad...but I can't see the fucking game."

What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you. Did you just scream?

Twat? I cunt hear you.

"Yes, Nora, they are well hung."

"I can't see the TV from here."

"Sir, we can't just invade Saturn for fun and tell people we did it to spread Democracy throughout the universe."

"Eventually, Ground Control will stop trying to contact me and I can live in peace here in my 'tin can', far above the world."

"Remember when the dark side of the moon was affordable for artists? Those were the days."

If you think this window was expensive, wait until I tell you how much the curtains are gonna be!

"I'm haunted by the phases of Neptune."

"Steven, you are such a big silly, I said George has a really nice 'deck.' By the way, doesn't Saturn remind you of the time we had sex with a volleyball?"

"I hope you can all join me on Sunday night for a small Laser Floyd gathering."

"I don't know how you got the building inspector to sign off on this 100 foot high deck without a guardrail, but man, the view is spectacular! Now, where did our little Jessica go...?"

"Well, it's 9:30. Has anyone heard anything from God? That is so typical. Fine, fuck it, we're starting the orgy without Him."

"You promised us Peter Gabriel. Where the fuck is Peter Gabriel?!?!"

I asked my decorator for a sense of space.

Ironically, I used to have photos of my rabbi's naked ass while he prepared olives and cherries. But I got tired of staring at the moons of Jew pitter.

Did you know it was illegal to masturbate in a planetarium? Well, consider this is my big f-you to them!

"....and try to find a decent pizza!"

"How 'bout them 'THRUSTERS'!"

"So, what do you say we move to the bedroom?"

"Nemo & Family, I presume?"

"Jesus Christ, Ted....EVERYONE can see your vagina...cross your legs for god's sake."

"Great Idea, Newt....we charge those ignorant bastards a $150 just to tell them they are special and have a star named after them! HA! And we'll be the ones laughing all the way to the bank!"

"Over there. In the corner. Who the fuck would do that? Squiggle on my floor and just leave it there."

I lifted up mine eyes, and as at morn The oriental part of the horizon Surpasses that wherein the sun goes down, Thus, as if going with mine eyes from vale To mount, I saw a part in the remoteness Surpass in splendor all the other front........as best as I recall.

"...and the big planet up there is Jupiter. It was a real mess, but the maid FINALLY got the big red spot removed from its surface!"

"No, the lamp doesn't work! Do you see an outlet anywhere, Einstein?!??"

"So, THIS is heaven?! And the chairs don't even recline?!?"

"We like to kick back here and just stare at the cosmos. And then we drink them."

Host:"The Good Lord must really love whites because HE 's making so many of them."-- Guest 1):"Sexist!" Guest 2)"Godist ! "Guest 3)"Bigot-- Nice 'attention-surfeit array'(ASA), though."

"The space suits? All that zero-gravity bull shit? I realize now they're just a ruse to discourage black people from attempting space travel...More TANG anyone?"

" And when he said the space probe was near my....err...Uranus, I fucking lost it! "

"Don't ever hire a decorator wearing a hearing aid. I told the son of a bitch I wanted plants all over the place!"

"So, Carl , tell us again -- how many stars, planets and galxies are there?"

"One million five hundred fifty-three thousand two hundred and ten... One million five hundred fifty-three thousand two hundred and eleven... Hey, don't interrupt me, I'm counting the stars! Aw, SHIT! (Sigh) One...two...

"I can't draw and I can't write captions. What else did you expect?"

"Come to think, I'd better check see if those 'idiots' drove my acquarial sheet-piling below the sand-stratum. ....We don't need no 'New Orleans' around 'heah'."

"BILLions and BILLLLLions ! ...Cut it ,von Braun ! You know that was Carson."

"They used to call me 'dinky loft', but I showed 'em!"

"Bob, Bob, Bob. Bob, where'd a guy like you get such a fine looking snowman, Bob? Heh, heh, heh, heh. Bob, no offence intended, I think you're a swell guy. Yes, I do!"

"Actually, the Planet of the Apes is at the restoration studio just now. Planet of the Gaboon Vipers is just a loaner."

"Fine, I stole a paring knife last time I was here. You had what, four paring knives? And I didn't have any? I thought we were friends."

"Bacon bits? Bacon bits! You watch out, I can eat a whole can at once! Bring it on, tough guy!"

Listen, Dale. You didn't invent IMAX, okay? I read an article about it, and you just didn't. Greg knows it, I know it, the lamp knows it. I think this has all gone a bit too far.

Yeah, after each planet was demoted we erased it from the wall.

It took a while to get used to, but now I can't get to sleep without watching the silent blistering implosion of dying stars. Also, some Sudafed PM helps.

"Some see celestial bodies suspended in the heavens and glory in the numinous wonder of existence. I see God's diarrhea."

"Did I mention Uranus?... Not the planet, sweety!"

Ok, now that we're all in agreement, we've got to get ourselves back to the garden.

"Forty two billion star systems, and there's never anything worth watching!"

We specialize in planatarium foreclosures.

One look at this view and I gave up wearing women's shoes.

If you like free screen-savers it is OK, however the pop-up ads every two minutes get tedious, and although this ad for Wienerschnitzel is iffy, the ad for Preparation H is digusting, I mean what's to like about a giant,glowing Uranus? glowing

(corrected copy) If you like free screen-savers it is OK, however the pop-up ads every two minutes get tedious, and although this ad for Wienerschnitzel is iffy, the ad for Preparation H is digusting, I mean what's to like about a giant, glowing Uranus?

You would think with windows this large, the bathrooms would be bigger.

"McCain ! McCAIN ?? ..Darn ! O.K., CAIN - 2011 ! Do I have to spell EVERYTHING out for you idiots ?! ('CAIN' & ABEL) -('CAIN'- enable)! ...'END OF TIMES'? Duh ! Darn nincompoops ! ... ..........So what brings you here ?"

"Then we're agreed. The revised list of official planetary names shall now read: Mercutits, Penis, Earthgina, Farts, Poopiter, Assturn, Uranus, and Nepboobs. All in favor?"

"....so, he said, we'll go at night! hahahahaha."

My God, it's full of stars!

"Indoor rock climbing sure takes up a lot of wall space."

You can gripe about these armchairs all you want, Hank, but do you really have any idea how hard it is to match suedes? Do you?

I swear, when I look out on this I feel like God himself. Except for the fact, of course, that I actually exist.

Yes, yes, you've told us. You did it in six days. And frankly, if you ask me, it looks rushed.

Whoa! Just look at it coming down! I would say it's raining cats and dogs outside but, actually, I guess it's more like pie plates and hot dogs. Shit, I think my windows are down. Wait, I don't even own a car. I had to sell it, along with the walls and roof of my house, to pay for this snow shovel. Took me a while to balance it like that, so don't move around a lot, OK?

"For then ye saw through a glass, darkly, but now face to face: then ye knew in part, but now shall ye know even as also I am 'KNOW-IT-ALL'. ....More 'Sang de JESUS', anyone ?"

"You upon the left now from her removed That father was by whose audacious taste The human species so much bitter tastes ! --Incest: bad !!!! Upon her right we have that ancient Father Of Holy Church, into whose keeping 'chris' The keys committed of this lovely flower. --Way to go, 'Baldy' !"

Whoa ! "Marvelous gorilla" ! 'God's country', too ! According to every calculation, it was totally, absolutely impossible that any ma. ...uh,that is, person...telling such a joke, could later ever be elected president ! Go fig... uh, re-figure, PETER !

"And the last shall be first; and the worst shall be best !"

"...and none of these teetotalers, either, Peter ! Frigin' 'turbanheads' !"

"...proving one thing, of course: that 'Gorilla gorilla gorilla' is far more nearly related to 'Homo sapiens' than some people feel it 'respectable' to suppose--nothing McCain would ever let out....except maybe before a 'fund raiser'-- frankly !-- of idiotic 'republic' males !"

"my realtor said 'I found you an apartment with lots and lots of lines, like you wanted, but how do you feel about planets?'"

"Seems a little empty without the giant toaster, and other assorted oversized appliances."

"Dick, Lynne, Laura, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of four little people don't amount to a hill of Iraqi children with their limbs blown off in this crazy world ..."

"Wow, great! This Mile High Resort 's smashing ! To go by the approach, O.K., sure, anyone 'd think this was, what, some suburban Levittown dump-- the frump in curlers that way, greeting new arrivals in her bathrobe. Go figure ! Later, not so much ! ..So yeah, I've been here since June 2. ..You ?"

"For a parallel universe it sure looks diagnol."

"Pass the pignolle nuts and could you change the channel to that Grand Gignol documentary -- EEK, a capagnol!

You mean campagnol, right?

"Maybe one day scientists will invent a decent sugar substitute, but probably not."

Did I say "Pass the planets?" I meant, "Pass the peanuts"!

"No, it's a mural, Karen, and these aren't real planets just like those aren't real breasts."

"In the vacuum of space, Sally's blowjobs are out of this world."

"Is that the Universe in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

"It's just stick-on wallpaper; you can get it anywhere."

"No, I don't know how many houses I own. ...In my wife's portfolio there are ma.. ur, quite a few mansions. ..So why don't you just go $&#$ off, you little jerk ?!"

"So you showed me Uranus. I'm still not showing you my penis."

George Lucas ain't got shit on this!

George Lucas ain't got shit on this!

"Divine blah blah divine blah blah divine blah! It's the 'commedia', stupid!"

"Divine blah blah divine blah blah divine blah! It's 'the commedia', stupids !"

"Good, now tell me, did you see Pluto more interestingly with the absinthe, or perhaps a little bitt.. uh, I mean, better, with that peyote...with the peyote or with the absinthe? .....Boy, good man, that Huxley !"

"Enjoy yourselves and drink freely. Just don't pass out without a drink buddy, because if you're still here in the morning you'll be burnt to a crisp. The furniture, meanwhile, is flame retardant."

"2001...2011. He was pretty fucking close."

"And then I asked our decorator if he could give us an open concept and the fucker moved us to Mars."

"Thank you. Yes, these ARE the most comfortable chairs. But what I'd really like is a nice coffee table."

"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption."

"The original concept was early bowling alley. And that's what we got. Minus the pins, and the setter, and the ball returns, of course. Oh, and well, yeah, the whole solar system seems to be converging on the north wall. But basically the concept is still early bowling alley."

"My moon is in Saturn. Wanna see?"

"Fuck the homeless."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah--we're already familiar with the anus joke."

"I would remind you that extremism in offense of 'globulism' is no vice ! And let me also remind you that moderation in offense of fussiness is no virtue ! .....And they call Obama eloquent ?!"

"Say, coming over you'll never guess who we bumped into. ...Yeah, Clarke's boy! Baby, really. ..Slimy little bastard!"

"Can you direct me to your bathroom, my good man?"

"Damn if Shakespear wasn't right! All the world IS a stage... and we are actors on a very deserved break!"

"Very impressive Preston, but I'll trade you my hemorrhoids for your asteroids anytime!

"Precisely! 'A drama-queen'! But now it's all mine. ...THE STRONGER, anyone ? Hortense's favorite, ironically....by Strindberg. More champagne?"

"So yeah, This play is called 'The Feast of Crispian'! He that outlives this play, and goes safe home, Will stand to a Cosmo when our play's recalled, And rouse him (he!he!) at the thought of Crispian ! --We few, we happy few, we banned of brothers! ; For he today that shares his 'goods' with me, Shall be my brother,be he n'er so vile!"

"Call yourselves 'dramatis personae'?! Botched lines, total non-verisimilitude of vocal expression all night . Face it,the only 'star stuff' we got going here we share with pigs ! ....So I ask you, are we just some frigin' chemicals, some these frigin' 'strings' whatever , or are we artists ?! ....Sherlock ?"

"I strolled into a 7-11 in Cleveland.(I was in the mood for a slurpee). The clerk criticized my mid-western accent and kicked me out of the store."

"Clearly the Universe loves us. At least until we splat up against it."

"Uh, excuse me, would you, Walker ? Just a moment, please. ........Uh, 'Barb', wasn't little 'Georgie' to be wearing a 'rebreather' (CCUBA) ? ..Unless that's a dirty word...."

I don't know where we'll move to when the kids piss off these neighbors!

"You know what they say, 'Less manna, more manner!'"

"Big load off my mind, 'Precious'! Huge load ! Let me tell you, my worst 'thought-cloud' has been your dragging home someone by Koren ! Sempe', Mordillo, fine."

'Yes, Kara Zor-el, we are indeed fortunate that when the planet Krypton exploded, a fragment of the planet containing Argo City remained intact, and we had the foresight to build a giant dome to contain the amtosphere we breathe. But we are unfortunately that the dirt beneath our feet turned to deadly kryptonite, we have had to cover it with these planks of lead, which makes if awfully difficult to grow any plants to freshen the atmosphere and provide us with food to eat."

"Apophis: A-P-O-P-H-I-S, dummy, not Atropis ! Okay, I knew the switch to Greek would be too much for you nitwits ! Horus, see if you and Aten maybe together can grow enough brain to put A-P-O-P-H-I-S back where I, Re, had it ! .. I mean, yeah, the mills of the gods grind slowly, but come on, 3642 A.D ?! And one more thing ! Ditch the damn Greek ! 'Apep', A-P-E-P, from now on ! Got it, 'Apep'!"

"Fixes him ! Yeah, I'd like to see that 'cabbie' get up The Club now ! You remember-- except you, 'Hill', new open policy and all, since April (ha! ha!)..yeah, day before taxes, one these Mex ..us exclusive, too..I mean Mex, like that !"

The critics called us mad when we restructured to focus on our adhesive-backed, glow-in-the-dark solar system applique unit. But thanks to global warming, the night sky has been all but obliterated, and we my friends are going to be very, very rich. To us!

"Great closing ceremony, huh guys?...And how about being invited to see it from a bamboo platform on top of the largest human pyramid ever assembled?...I must say the Chinese know how to treat their marketing partners."

"Ye it behooves to take another road", Responded he, when he beheld us weeping, "If from this savage place ye would escape." ....Yeah! ..Were we having ? NOOOOOOOOOO !!"

Is that supposed to be a signature

Is that suppossed to be a signature? Cuz it looks like an indigenous drawing of an anal shark orgy!

I absolutely adore this large futuristic space port windows. But fuck lamps, I mean c'mon its stardate 3002. And look at these fucking chairs, they're still just microfiber. I mean, I expect some fucking ass cheek levitation devices or some shit. Fucking Chinese!

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