The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #156
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"Well, you know the old saying: 'You masturbate into it, you bought it.'" —Mr. Sad Head
Finalists
"Granted it's a unique fetish: I dress like a woman trying to make senior partner." —al in la
"Just because I'm wearing women's shoes doesn't mean I'm gay. The fact that I love cock does, however." —Steve_O
Honorable Mention
"So then she said, 'you should walk a mile in my shoes'. So now I'm a mile away from that bitch, plus I've got her shoes! Jokes on her." —JohnnyB
"If you like these shoes, you should see my vagina." —Cue
"I'm undercompensating for my massive dick." — Joshua
"It's a Cosmo - but I drink it in a tumbler to seem more masculine" —Charles
"I'm forty-three, but I have the feet of a nineteen-year-old girl. My daughter, in fact. And the surgery was cheap!" —Rubrick
"Heh. See, the humor is that I look perfectly butch except for my shoes. And my tightly crossed legs. And my dainty hands. And my fussed-over hair. And the rouge on my face. And my lisp, of course. And the rising? Intonation? At the end of every clause? And the pink shirt I wear to all my reason.tv interviews. Other than that, I'm 100% hetero." —Vance
"I'm haunted by the soles of my victims." —LV
Comments
"I like to wear women's shoes. Does that bother you?"
Posted by: Deborah | August 4, 2008 9:59 AM
Sure baby, I drink Jack Daniels. Just not straight up...you gotta problem with that?
Posted by: simsburybear | August 4, 2008 9:59 AM
"Maybe I shouldn't have gone to a podiatrist for my sex change..."
Posted by: Abe | August 4, 2008 10:00 AM
“My left hand doesn’t know what my right foot is doing.”
Posted by: dwilk | August 4, 2008 10:09 AM
"I know you're stoned, but what am I?"
Posted by: djack | August 4, 2008 10:11 AM
"You're right, this acid is good. It feels like I'm three inches taller."
Posted by: Pseudonym | August 4, 2008 10:11 AM
"Fetishes? No, no fetishes. Why do you ask?"
"Looks like we closed the place."
"You know, I'd really like to see your lower torso."
"It places the lotion in the basket."
Posted by: gary | August 4, 2008 10:13 AM
"How 'bout them Mets?"
Posted by: Kathy H | August 4, 2008 10:16 AM
"I come here for the stools."
Posted by: Tim H | August 4, 2008 10:17 AM
"I know they don't match my outfit, but if I click them together three times I'm immediately transported home, which saves me a ton on cab fare."
"Given how thick the padding on these stools is, they're ridiculously uncomfortable."
Posted by: Jesse | August 4, 2008 10:19 AM
"Oh I'm sorry. Did I hear you say strap-on?"
Posted by: boneguy | August 4, 2008 10:21 AM
"They're my 'fuck-me' shoes."
Posted by: Richard H | August 4, 2008 10:25 AM
"I'm out celebrating. My agency just won the Ferragamo account."
Posted by: Richard H | August 4, 2008 10:30 AM
"So, I complained. I told him, `This deal with drawing ridiculous cheekbones on your characters isn't funny. It just looks weird. People think they're part of the eye - or the eye itself - and they're not even in the right place'. Did he listen? No. Fucker got mad, and put me in pumps."
Posted by: Damon | August 4, 2008 10:41 AM
“Oh that? I do it in case my wife calls.”
Posted by: dwilk | August 4, 2008 10:48 AM
These? I've been wearing them ever since my wife found them in my car.
Posted by: Fred M | August 4, 2008 11:04 AM
"Honestly, does this suit make me look mannish?"
"Oh, fiddlesticks, I got your blush all over my hand when I was slapping you up in the bathroom five minutes ago."
"The heels distract people from noticing that I don't have a chin. You should try it!"
Posted by: Ellie | August 4, 2008 11:04 AM
"So I said to her, I mean him, whatever, get you tranny mitts off those fuckme pumps. There mine, tee-hee."
Posted by: Mort Drucker | August 4, 2008 11:14 AM
"Blah blah blah blah metrosexual."
Posted by: Vance | August 4, 2008 11:16 AM
Singing : 1)Living in the whirl 2)Couldn't understand 3)Anything can happen 4)If you take a chance 5)I never believed in 6)What I didn't see 7)I never opened my heart,yeah! 8) To all the possibilities 9) I know something has happened 10) Never felt this way 11)And right here today 12)This could be the start 13)Of something new, yeah ! 14).....It feels so right !
Posted by: Sam L. | August 4, 2008 11:24 AM
isn't it ironic that in our lesbian relationship I'm not the butch one?
Posted by: martin | August 4, 2008 11:26 AM
"And I say it's The East Side."
Posted by: Sam L. | August 4, 2008 11:34 AM
"Would you like to see my other stool studies?”
Posted by: dwilk | August 4, 2008 11:41 AM
"Hi, there ! I'm 'manny' being 'tranny'. And you ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 4, 2008 11:58 AM
"I'm transitioning, but just a little at a time."
Posted by: Francis | August 4, 2008 12:03 PM
"I don't know how 'anyone' gets in here with the bar that close to the door."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | August 4, 2008 12:23 PM
"You should see the urinals in this place!"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | August 4, 2008 12:25 PM
"...and my wife said, 'For what you spent on Judy Garland's ruby slippers, you're damned well going to wear them!'"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | August 4, 2008 12:28 PM
"Baby, if I weren't a flaming homo, I'd totally try to get you drunk and take you home with me!"
Posted by: Jacob C | August 4, 2008 12:30 PM
"That's nothing. In the rush to get out of the therapist's office, my wife go the tin man's axe."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | August 4, 2008 12:32 PM
"I think its so last year to match the shoes and tie."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | August 4, 2008 12:34 PM
"What good is Happy Hour if you can't do something that makes you feel happy?"
Posted by: Richard H | August 4, 2008 12:35 PM
"Pumps are the new wingtips."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | August 4, 2008 12:35 PM
"Yeah, but don't forget, if I win the other bet, you have to wear my smegma all over that pretty face."
Posted by: Herman | August 4, 2008 12:40 PM
"Ever have the feeling you forgot to take something off?"
Posted by: Richard H | August 4, 2008 12:46 PM
"Hey, I coulda sworn there was a bar right in front of me."
"Look, when I swivel around, I can get both my eyes on one side of my nose."
"So then she said, 'you should walk a mile in my shoes'. So now I'm a mile away from that bitch, plus I've got her shoes! Jokes on her."
Posted by: JohnnyB | August 4, 2008 1:03 PM
"They are tap shoes. Creates a clearer signal to the guy in the next stall."
Posted by: JohnnyB | August 4, 2008 1:05 PM
1)'Moaner Leo', 'Moaner Leo', men defamed me 2)I'm too nearly 'dandy' when I 'style' ! 3)Is it mainly cause I'm wom'nly men have so shamed me 4)For the 'Moaner Leo' lameness when I smile ? ....Karaoke later. You sticking ?
Posted by: Sam L. | August 4, 2008 1:10 PM
You could be right. Maybe I don't understand what "'fuck-me' pumps" means. Now that we've cleared that up, how about fucking me?
Posted by: Charles | August 4, 2008 1:17 PM
It's a Cosmo - but I drink it in a tumbler to seem more masculine.
Posted by: Charles | August 4, 2008 1:18 PM
"Haven't I not seen you in CULLUM'S WORLD before ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 4, 2008 1:34 PM
"I'm forty-three, but I have the feet of a nineteen-year-old girl. My daughter, in fact. And the surgery was cheap!"
Posted by: Rubrick | August 4, 2008 1:44 PM
"Heh. See, the humor is that I look perfectly butch except for my shoes. And my tightly crossed legs. And my dainty hands. And my fussed-over hair. And the rouge on my face. And my lisp, of course. And the rising? Intonation? At the end of every clause? And the pink shirt I wear to all my reason.tv interviews. Other than that, I'm 100% hetero."
Posted by: Vance | August 4, 2008 1:51 PM
"These? Funny story. I'm a therapist and I had a young girl in my office last week with lots of issues--but no money. She did, however, have these fabulous shoes..."
Posted by: al in la | August 4, 2008 2:02 PM
"Josephine. But you can call me Joe."
Posted by: Dave | August 4, 2008 2:03 PM
"I get no kick from cocaine. Wearing women's shoes -- now that's another story."
Posted by: Dave | August 4, 2008 2:04 PM
"Katy Perry, you are scandalous. I mean, you're clearly not gay -- in fact, I'd say your own views of sexuality seem downright narrowminded and frankly a little boring. But this tame stunt is just risque enough to inspire another #1 pop hit, plus I can tell all my friends I fucked that girl who sang the 'Kissed a Girl' song."
Posted by: Dave | August 4, 2008 2:05 PM
I was raised by rather traditional Chinese foster parents, who apparently wanted a girl.
Posted by: therblig | August 4, 2008 2:07 PM
"The last time we got drunk together you told me you only fucked men who wore heels... Now you tell me you actually said 'all the men you fucked WERE heels'. I'd feel really stupid right now, except I really like the way these things make me feel."
Posted by: Richard H | August 4, 2008 2:12 PM
My boss thinks I'm at a barre.
Posted by: therblig | August 4, 2008 2:14 PM
"Wouldn't life be dull without the flair and imagination of queer fashion designers and interior decorators?"
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | August 4, 2008 2:20 PM
"They match my hideous tie."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | August 4, 2008 2:25 PM
"Ever fuck a man in heels?"
Posted by: Ted | August 4, 2008 2:41 PM
I'm pregnant. Call Oprah while I enjoy one last drink.
Posted by: Mike | August 4, 2008 2:47 PM
" 'Fanny' being lonely, meet Manny being 'tranny' - or did I introduce myself earlier ?"
Posted by: Von Go | August 4, 2008 2:59 PM
"I hear Jimmy chews."
Posted by: jim M | August 4, 2008 3:02 PM
"OK, I'm bored. Let's switch our bottoms back."
Posted by: jim M | August 4, 2008 3:04 PM
"Yes, I suppose you might say my tie is a bit 'indecisive'. ..You're new to this block, aren't you ?!"
Posted by: Von Go | August 4, 2008 3:16 PM
"Yes, I suppose you might say my tie is rather 'indecisive'. ..You're new to this block, aren't you ?!"
Posted by: Von Go | August 4, 2008 3:21 PM
Did you say "scissor?"
Posted by: TMo | August 4, 2008 3:24 PM
I guess this means you've got a penis, eh?
Posted by: TMo | August 4, 2008 3:24 PM
" 'Dreadlocks' -- 'Maiden decollete' ?! Good God !"
Posted by: Von Go | August 4, 2008 3:30 PM
"It's YOUR 'go cup', if you catch my drift."
Posted by: Von Go | August 4, 2008 3:54 PM
"And can I suggest cucumber slices for those nasty bags under your eyes?"
Posted by: jim M | August 4, 2008 4:00 PM
"Betcha never thought you'd meet Fran Lebowitz in this bar."
Posted by: jim M | August 4, 2008 4:01 PM
"Wellllll, one global nuclear holocaust later... now who's saying she won't fuck me if I'm the Last Man on Earth, hmmmmmmmmm?"
Posted by: Vance | August 4, 2008 4:09 PM
"... yeah, Cheney got lethal injection. But my lawyer proved my father had been hypnotizing me since 1978, and besides, I was coked out of my mind every day, and ..."
Posted by: J.D. | August 4, 2008 4:30 PM
"Psst! You're 'mullato', aren't you? ...To explain, I'm working 'undercover' for the 'Blacks in Magazine Cartoons, Equal Opportunity Commission'. ...Yeah, we don't appreciate 'gay bashers', either."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 4, 2008 4:44 PM
"In the original version of that cover I was snorting a line off Obama's turgid endowment."
Posted by: J.D. | August 4, 2008 5:01 PM
"...and this is an expensive French wig; and Laura knew this plastic surgeon; and no Texan in history, as far as I know--yuck! yuck !--ever sat like this; and I 'cold-turkeyed' work-outs, laid-on 15 pounds; and got off the wagon, what no one'd ever suspect--yuck! yuck! (Oops, got to watch that !); and improved my diction--thanks, Laura ! ...Chablis or Cabernet Sauvignon, madame ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 4, 2008 5:13 PM
So ummm...I guess this is one of those bars where you bring your own drinks? Because a there is clearly no bartender in this area. I'll go ask the manager what's going on."
Posted by: Trotman | August 4, 2008 5:20 PM
Hey...I know you!! You were in Corpse Bride! Man, you got fat!
Posted by: Trotman | August 4, 2008 5:24 PM
"Yes I am a Red Sox fan. Season ticket holder, as a matter of fact. Why do you ask?"
Posted by: NAMBY | August 4, 2008 6:04 PM
"What goes on in Delaware, stays in Delaware."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | August 4, 2008 6:07 PM
"I like the location of this bar, it's so close to my office. But, I hate that they only serve drinks of different brands hot sauce instead of liquor."
"Hey, what's up with our fingers? Ever noticed how it looks like a cross between the Vulcan peace sign and a 'rockin' demon' hand gesture?"
"In America it's a barbituate. In Russia it's a 'bar bitch I ate'!"
"Tell me... does it look like my eyes are closed mostly and I am looking at my hands... or is it just the way I am drawn?"
"You have the whitest skin I think I'd likely 'come' across!"
"Look behind me. Sure they got my 'burger and fries' order done speedily... but for God's sake...there's no plate to eat off!"
Posted by: Johnny V | August 4, 2008 6:58 PM
"Wouldn't it be hilarious if you had like big mud caked construction boots on? And if a preist and a rabbi walked in, like in bunny suits or leather or something."
"Ha ha ha. Isn't absinthe wonderful?"
Posted by: Mort Drucker | August 4, 2008 8:04 PM
"Yeah, yeah, but just suppose you're on Don't Forget the Lyrics . O.K., 1)You know you are my lover 2)You got me twisted over you 3)I know I got what you neeeeed 4)So what you wanna do 5)Baby, baby I know 6)Baby I love you so 7)But you don't feel like I do 8)Tell me what can I do 9)But I gotta be strong 10) You di_ __ _____ ! O.K.,O.K. ? ....You give up?! ..Man, that show has done more for my karaoke !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 4, 2008 8:05 PM
"I say, maybe it's this hormone riddled drink or the tightness of my heels, but, my dear, you look mah-velous."
Posted by: Mort Drucker | August 4, 2008 8:15 PM
Actually, I don't think Mueller is doing a very good job. Do you want to know who my favorite FBI Director was?
Posted by: Urgh | August 4, 2008 8:19 PM
"Ahh, screw em. I hate bees anyhow."
Posted by: mypalmike | August 4, 2008 8:24 PM
"Sorry, but I'm waiting for a priest, a minister and a rabbi."
Posted by: Dex | August 4, 2008 9:40 PM
"...and my heart beat fast when I came in the door, for 1)In my Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it 2)I'll be the plainest 'dandy' in the Easter Parade. 3)You'll be 'in the clover', but though they look you over 4) I'll be the 'loudest' swell--O,in the Easter Parade ! 5)On the Avenue, Eighth Avenue 6)Papparazzi will trap us 7)And we'll find ourselves 8)In th_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ? O.K., 'smarty'."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 4, 2008 9:43 PM
"Do you like them? I bought them off of the third girl from the left in Caption Contest #153."
Posted by: RichM | August 4, 2008 10:00 PM
"They're reversable Weeguns."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 4, 2008 10:25 PM
"Christ rose from the tomb, greeted his apostles and then descended to Hell. He tore asunder the gates of Pandemoneum and cowed Lucifer himself. He then brought the word of salvation to all the damned that lived before His time, ascended to Paradise, and all I got were these goofy shoes."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 4, 2008 10:27 PM
"It is better to regret something you have done than something you haven't."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 4, 2008 10:29 PM
"Dan'l Boone kilt a bar in these shoes. Bar was also reading Cosmo and smokin' Virginia Slims; but still..."
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 4, 2008 10:31 PM
"They're made from Pork, the Other White Meat!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 4, 2008 10:32 PM
So you've got the lady parts upstairs and the man parts downstairs? I'm pretty sure that means we can still make this work...
Posted by: dstein | August 4, 2008 10:36 PM
They belonged to my grandmother - just like my teeth.
Posted by: Shawn | August 4, 2008 10:38 PM
I see you've discovered the powers of my hypnotic tie. Now... you will OBEYYyyyyy!
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 4, 2008 11:09 PM
I want you to put your phone number right there, right on the coaster.
Posted by: Cay | August 5, 2008 12:21 AM
"They're from Manolo Blahnik's new men's line."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 5, 2008 12:24 AM
"Everyone thinks that just because I had my eyes scooped out in a drive-by scooping, I can't do normal things, like dress myself."
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 5, 2008 12:29 AM
"Well, you know the old saying: 'You masturbate into it, you bought it.'"
Posted by: Mr. Sad Head | August 5, 2008 12:37 AM
Just because I'm wearing women's shoes doesn't mean I'm gay. The fact that I love cock does, however.
Posted by: Steve_O | August 5, 2008 1:21 AM
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm the Wicked Bitch of the Upper West Side, honey, so why don't you just hobble back to Jersey like a good girl and forget all about your scary adventure in the big city."
"Well, well, well, isn't this a likely scenario! I'm wearing Canadian shoes and you're from Alpha Centauri. Is there nothing the New Yorker won't laugh at?"
"Seriously, I'm the best there is. Don't let the shoes fool you, I found brides for Grover Norquist, RUpert Murdoch, and Mitch McConnell, so when I say Governor Crist would like to see you in the bathroom I really mean it. Just don't ask about Lindsay Graham...that was a heartbreaker."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | August 5, 2008 5:33 AM
"You're reall nice and all but I'm just not into lampposts who wear wigs. I like human women who wear sandals who like lampposts who wear combat boots."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | August 5, 2008 5:37 AM
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Posted by: dwilk | August 5, 2008 7:24 AM
Sure, I took a lot of teasing from the other members of my National Guard Unit, but right now they're dodging IEDs in Fallouja and I'm having a whiskey sour in the middle of the afternoon. So, I'd say I had the last laugh.
Posted by: BlackGuardian | August 5, 2008 7:31 AM
"So I say to the bartender, 'Yeah, just put it on my bill. Classic!'"
Posted by: Vlad | August 5, 2008 8:58 AM
"Having small, narrow feet really expands my choices of footwear."
"Did you hear about the single woman from the bar who was found dead with her feet hacked off, naked and face-down under the bed? What- too much information?"
"I'm haunted by the soles of my victims."
Posted by: LV | August 5, 2008 9:12 AM
"Surprisingly, they aren't nearly as uncomfortable as the thong."
"Once you go Blahnik, you never go back."
Posted by: Vlad | August 5, 2008 9:29 AM
"Say what you will about 'Ingénue,' writing country songs for dykes doesn't keep the bourbon flowing."
Posted by: Klaus | August 5, 2008 9:50 AM
"I'll have you know I'm the newest hybrid model."
Posted by: Dave | August 5, 2008 10:17 AM
"Why not come home to my place, honey, and help me pry my two middle fingers apart? And then I've got a big surprise for you."
Posted by: Dave | August 5, 2008 10:20 AM
"I decided on foot binding to celebrate the Beijing Olympics."
Posted by: Dave | August 5, 2008 10:23 AM
"Have you heard about the latest men's fashion? Suit and tie on top, shorts on the bottom -- puhleeez!"
Posted by: Dave | August 5, 2008 10:26 AM
"They make me so much taller . . . except on the stool, of course."
Posted by: jim M | August 5, 2008 11:10 AM
"People can be so mean and hurtful. I usually cut myself, but tonight I'm trying alcohol first."
Posted by: Brian L | August 5, 2008 11:32 AM
"I know what you mean... You never know what to expect on a blind date like this. I, for one, didn't expect to meet some snotty bitch who would sit halfway across the room and repeatedly call me 'effeminate.'"
Posted by: mypalmike | August 5, 2008 12:09 PM
If you think these shoes are feminine, just wait till you see my underwear!
Posted by: CountLubinstein | August 5, 2008 12:39 PM
"The inexcusable stereotypes here are epicene."
Posted by: J.D. | August 5, 2008 1:33 PM
"Yes, I had a squid transplanted where my right hand used to be. Makes me smell more like real fish."
Posted by: J.D. | August 5, 2008 1:37 PM
"I had to literally squeeze out of the closet after the 1994 Northridge Earthquake."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | August 5, 2008 1:46 PM
"Think whatever you want, but they actually alleviate corns and calluses."
"So I said, I said, 'Red's my color, bitch,' and he just walked out. Worst day of my life. And believe me, there are plenty more where that came from, honey."
Posted by: WillM | August 5, 2008 2:05 PM
"No, wait! You stay here, I'll go to the men's room, and when I come back, I'll be wearing SNOWSHOES! AH, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"
Posted by: Eusless Tilley | August 5, 2008 2:27 PM
" 'Flush Enough ?'--you may remember: (singing) 1)Well, since my 'maybe' left me 2)I found new digs to chill 3)It down at the heels,pure non-elite 4) At Housewreck Motel ! -5)See, although it now'days 'skidded' 6)It'll sometimes make jus' room '7)For broken-hearted 'bedded' 8)To lay away their 'fumes' ! 9)'What the hell,cops !' Tears be comin' 10)Our day-clerk arrest'd--'crack' ! 11)Why,we so low, we non-elite, 12)We ain't 'Flush Enough' to shack ! -- 13)You make me so manly, baby 14)You ____ __ __ _____ 15) I might try ! .... O.K.,O.K, any ideas, any ideas at all ? Take your time,take your time ! ..Man, Wayne Brady ! ......Another drink ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 5, 2008 3:03 PM
No, I'm pretty sure my craigslist ad said "Rockette Science".
Posted by: therblig | August 5, 2008 3:05 PM
"I don't think you are ready for this jelly. It's homemade. I use locally grown berries to help pump up the jam, pump it up, a pump it up yo pump it..."
Posted by: Mo Buck | August 5, 2008 3:29 PM
"Yes, those shoes do make your ass look fat."
Posted by: The Baroness | August 5, 2008 4:07 PM
Terry often tries to talk the Invisible Man into threesomes with wine swilling hobos.
Posted by: James Corliss | August 5, 2008 4:21 PM
"Granted it's a unique fetish: I dress like a woman trying to make senior partner."
Posted by: al in la | August 5, 2008 5:54 PM
I know! I keep telling the bartender they could quadruple their seating capacity just by turning these stools upside down.
Posted by: Weller | August 5, 2008 6:21 PM
"O.K.-now for $100,000 !:(singing) 1)It's quarter to three, there's no one in the place 2)Except you and me 3)So set 'em up, 'ho', I got a little song 4)I think you gotta know 5)We're drinking --my 'spend' !-- to the end 6)Of a 'quickie' episode 7)Make it one for you,lady, 8)And one ____ ___ ___ ____ ..Whoa ! Karaoke !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 5, 2008 6:42 PM
"If you like these shoes, you should see my vagina."
Posted by: Cue | August 5, 2008 8:38 PM
"...and so the prince went around to everyone in the village to see who the slipper fit. And—would you believe it—they fit Cinderella! I can't believe you've never heard that story."
Posted by: Rubrick | August 5, 2008 8:42 PM
"Why, yes, I do come here often. Thanks for asking."
Posted by: Dave | August 5, 2008 11:57 PM
"The tie makes me look tougher on foreign policy. I only wish my people had focus-grouped it before the February primaries."
Posted by: Joshua | August 6, 2008 12:14 AM
"I'm undercompensating for my massive dick."
Posted by: Joshua | August 6, 2008 12:21 AM
"Please Ralph, don't judge me. If I had your schedule I'd be just as passable as you."
Posted by: al in la | August 6, 2008 4:28 AM
"No, thigh highs. Are you insane?"
Posted by: Greg | August 6, 2008 8:42 AM
(Flashback) "You know, I once shot a bar slut wearing pink pumps.... How I found myself wearing pink pumps still remains a mystery!"
Posted by: Johnny V | August 6, 2008 10:02 AM
"Is it just me or are those four bottles on the counter looking for trouble? How dare they line up like bowling pins inviting a mini bowling ball or fashionable shoe to be hurled at them! And I thought this was a 'Smart' bar!"
Posted by: mort drucker | August 6, 2008 10:24 AM
"I don't know how all those fags drink cosmos and mai tais! Scotch and soda? That's a man's drink. Now if only there were some fags here I could get some ass in my favorite bathroom stall..."
"It's so weird that you have a penis, because I don't."
"Cursed monkey paw my ass! I haven't been able to slip into a size 2 since college."
"I'm a hermaphrodite, and these sexy pumps were way cheaper than surgery."
Posted by: MAtt | August 6, 2008 10:38 AM
i'm not even gonna try -- i can't top abe's podiatrist sex change joke
Posted by: jason | August 6, 2008 10:40 AM
See, that's the trouble with homonyms, because all these years I've been trying to make sense of "sexual heeling". Thanks for setting me straight. So to speak.
Posted by: therblig | August 6, 2008 11:05 AM
So not that I HAVE walked a mile in your shoes, let's get back to your bitchy attitude about your job here.
Posted by: Greg Urbaitis | August 6, 2008 11:24 AM
"What's a 'curator of Daumier prints' doing in a space like this ? ..Enough inadequacies, already ! ....Bitch."
Posted by: Von Go | August 6, 2008 11:36 AM
"NORM!"
Posted by: Anonymous | August 6, 2008 12:06 PM
The shoes? So what I do is, I sneak into women's apartments at night, have sex with them and walk out wearing their shoes. What? These are *your* shoes? Oh my, what are the odds?
Posted by: spinachdip | August 6, 2008 12:50 PM
...from Kansas actually. But to answer your question, I got 'em from a Tin Man. honest. Anyway, you come to this part of Oz often?
Posted by: Ben Gillis | August 6, 2008 2:38 PM
"Capricorn. That's very nice, honey. But I asked 'What's your size?"
Posted by: NAMBY | August 6, 2008 2:48 PM
"O,'darlin', LOOK where you STUCK ! 'Fritz' Cullum 'jam' you in there ?! ...Dear me ! Have I said a 'naughtaay'?! O, shut my mouth ! Gracious! My bad, risque' man ! .. Frilly man, me !"
Posted by: Von Go | August 6, 2008 5:23 PM
"We're having such a good time, I almost forget the Federal Reserve has owned this country since 1913, and through the Council on Foreign Relations has controlled the media since 1917."
Posted by: J.D. | August 6, 2008 7:43 PM
You know what they say about a man with small feet...
Posted by: Shawn | August 6, 2008 7:45 PM
I once heard a funny joke:What do you call an avid gardener-- Herb. Ill show you funny. What's red and not there? -- no tomatoes
Posted by: YVB | August 6, 2008 7:51 PM
They're a women's size 5 . . . but my cock is huge!
Posted by: JR | August 7, 2008 1:03 AM
If you think these are cute, you should see my panties.
Posted by: Thrillhouse | August 7, 2008 1:07 AM
Anyway, like I was sayin'. I like it up the ass.....hard.
Posted by: Big Buddy | August 7, 2008 1:52 AM
"Well you know what they say about a man with big feet crammed into tiny women's pumps."
"I told you I could fit in them. Now you've got take to off your shirt."
"Yes, I know I'm a walking joke. But what's your excuse? Now get me another drink and make it snappy snappy."
Posted by: The J Man | August 7, 2008 1:30 PM
Lebowitz...Fran Lebowitz. And you?
Posted by: Owen | August 7, 2008 2:22 PM
"How about them cubs?"
"This drink isn't the only Bloody Mary in the room."
"I'll tell you why....some fucking cartoonist for the New Yorker put them there!"
"
Posted by: JungleCat | August 7, 2008 5:40 PM
[Thought bubble above woman's head]
"What an asshole."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | August 7, 2008 5:49 PM
[Thought bubble above the man's head]
"My shoes certainly set me apart from the crowd. Maybe I can get her to have sex with me."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | August 7, 2008 5:55 PM
"They make my ass look wonderful!"
Posted by: Greg | August 7, 2008 5:56 PM
"Oh goodness, are you allergic to legumes too? I have one bar peanut and I get all sped-faced."
Posted by: The Baroness | August 7, 2008 7:05 PM
“Really? Well I’m not wearing any socks.”
Posted by: dwilk | August 7, 2008 9:44 PM
"If it's any consequence, my mother wears army boots."
Posted by: NAMBY | August 8, 2008 1:55 AM
"Pssst! Don't look, but that guy in the corner is Leo Cullum, and I think he's sketching us! If I'm not mistaken, we could be the first lesbians in a New Yorker caption contest cartoon! I wonder what the winning caption would be."
Posted by: David F | August 8, 2008 9:35 AM
"Yes, I've stumbled through life doing more harm than good. Yes, I may have killed more Americans than Vietnamese during the war and violated more Codes of Conduct than I can count. Yes I wear the shroud of War Hero but could care less about the families of POW/MIA. Yes, I am a bitter, nasty vindictive old man. At least I don't plaster the makeup on like a trollop."
Posted by: djack | August 8, 2008 10:56 AM
"How about those Jets ? ..How about that Favre ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 8, 2008 11:17 AM
"...and yet these were fatal to my candidacy ! You see, they're all so very 'style-conscious' over at NBC : Brian Williams...Whozis ? Oh,Chris Matthews! Yeah, Matthews ! Russert! Wait, he's dead ! Recall the job that bunch did on Gore ? Not that Schieffer, remember, didn't 'play the ass' over at CBS !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 8, 2008 12:45 PM
"I just found them in the bathroom on this woman's feet."
'Actually, I am going through a mid-life crisis. How'd you know?"
If these are wrong, then I don't want to be right."
Posted by: B Nolan | August 8, 2008 2:35 PM
"This barstool is incredibly uncomfortable."
Posted by: Harry | August 8, 2008 4:48 PM
"Thanks ! It's a 'Giorgio'. But,hey, check this out ! I'm over on HARDBALL last week. It's all, 'It's about the SHOES, stupid !' with Matthews. O.K., and here's Fineman, you know, Howard Fineman: 'It's about the SHOES, 'stuuup''! Can you imagine ?! Same shoes, same tie ! ..Frigin' HARDBALL!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 8, 2008 7:53 PM
What the hell happened to your hair?
Posted by: bdbd | August 9, 2008 7:17 AM
"Step 1 was admitting we were powerless over Nordstrom shoes — that our wardrobes had become unmanageable."
Posted by: Glenn | August 9, 2008 8:00 AM
HELP! I'M TRANSFORMING INTO A LADY!
Posted by: Bill Denver | August 9, 2008 9:35 AM
"Yes, it is a miracle that we get served considering that there's no room behind the bar for a bartender."
Posted by: Dave | August 9, 2008 4:27 PM
"These and a jockstrap make one helluva slingshot."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | August 9, 2008 9:44 PM
"I'm wearing these because I lost a bet. My buddy, Bob, over there, bet that you smelled as much like a scallion as you look."
Posted by: mypalmike | August 9, 2008 10:08 PM
"Yes, they do accentuate my ass, and I admit I like the attention...but you know what, girlfriend? I still switch to sneakers for the commute home."
Posted by: al in la | August 10, 2008 4:16 AM
Just because I love women's shoes doesn't mean I'm gay. The fact that I love cock does, however.
Posted by: Steve_O | August 10, 2008 10:38 AM
"I'm an amputee. They work better than the guys legs, for some reason."
Posted by: Cutty | August 10, 2008 10:39 AM
"Quick, lets steal the four unguarded bottles of alcohol behind us."
Posted by: Trotman | August 10, 2008 11:18 AM
"So then I said, 'I simply MUST slip out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini!' *Laughter* No but seriously, I'm a transsexual prostitute. My rate's 20 bucks an hour."
Posted by: Trotman | August 10, 2008 11:21 AM
"Did you hear that Bernie Mac died? It was such a shock, I absolutely loved him on Kings of Comedy. His show on Fox wasn't bad either. Alright I should probably go, I have other delightfully quirky places to be while wearing high heels."
Posted by: Trotman | August 10, 2008 11:24 AM
"That has got to be the most absolutely, totally useless latch that's ever been....factoring in this is Harlem, that is !"
Posted by: Von Go | August 10, 2008 1:54 PM
"Ooh- that was below the belt, girlfriend!"
"I'm in a transition phase: I'm a former Geisha girl, and a future asshole."
Posted by: Mike F. | August 10, 2008 3:21 PM
"Let's see, you put your right foot in; you put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about. You do The Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around....this goes back a few, of course."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | August 10, 2008 9:34 PM
"The first rule of the women's shoes club is we do not talk about women's shoes."
Posted by: stcoleridge | August 12, 2008 10:26 AM
"Hey, how about our Olympic synchronized swimmers ?!"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 12, 2008 12:31 PM
"Nunh uh ! I never called you a totally useless bitch. I SAID that is a totally useless LATCH....so get the wax out of your ears, why 'doncha' !"
Posted by: Von Go | August 12, 2008 1:12 PM
" 'Lifestyle' trumps 'tax considerations', so Obama !"
Posted by: Von Go | August 12, 2008 4:35 PM
" 'Worst Possible Clothes Contest' later this evening. Yeah, I could dress worse, but, strangely enough, 'worst' never really wins these things anymore. ..You sticking ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 12, 2008 6:47 PM
"No, no, last week's was supposed to be contest #155 but they numbered it #156. This week, we're the actual #156, but they didn't change last week's, so there's two contests numbered 156! Ha, ha, ha! are you as horny as I am? Oh, I am so fuckable right now!"
Posted by: Glenn W | August 14, 2008 10:10 PM
"Ha! Ha! You hear McCain's latest ? Yeah, wasn't that 'the kicks' ? When this woman's recovering from rape in the hospital, she sighs contentedly and whispers, 'Where is that marvelous ape?'. Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! ...I mean, is he gonna put Comedy Central out of business, or what ?....Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! I mean, you just know he slings a mean 'pick-up line' ! ....Have to !!"
Posted by: Sam L. | August 15, 2008 5:30 PM