August 4, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #156

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Well, you know the old saying: 'You masturbate into it, you bought it.'" —Mr. Sad Head

"Granted it's a unique fetish: I dress like a woman trying to make senior partner." —al in la

"Just because I'm wearing women's shoes doesn't mean I'm gay. The fact that I love cock does, however." —Steve_O

Honorable Mention
"So then she said, 'you should walk a mile in my shoes'. So now I'm a mile away from that bitch, plus I've got her shoes! Jokes on her." —JohnnyB

"If you like these shoes, you should see my vagina." —Cue

"I'm undercompensating for my massive dick." — Joshua

"It's a Cosmo - but I drink it in a tumbler to seem more masculine" —Charles

"I'm forty-three, but I have the feet of a nineteen-year-old girl. My daughter, in fact. And the surgery was cheap!" —Rubrick

"Heh. See, the humor is that I look perfectly butch except for my shoes. And my tightly crossed legs. And my dainty hands. And my fussed-over hair. And the rouge on my face. And my lisp, of course. And the rising? Intonation? At the end of every clause? And the pink shirt I wear to all my reason.tv interviews. Other than that, I'm 100% hetero." —Vance

"I'm haunted by the soles of my victims." —LV

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I like to wear women's shoes. Does that bother you?"

Sure baby, I drink Jack Daniels. Just not straight up...you gotta problem with that?

"Maybe I shouldn't have gone to a podiatrist for my sex change..."

“My left hand doesn’t know what my right foot is doing.”

"I know you're stoned, but what am I?"

"You're right, this acid is good. It feels like I'm three inches taller."

"Fetishes? No, no fetishes. Why do you ask?"

"Looks like we closed the place."

"You know, I'd really like to see your lower torso."

"It places the lotion in the basket."

"How 'bout them Mets?"

"I come here for the stools."

"I know they don't match my outfit, but if I click them together three times I'm immediately transported home, which saves me a ton on cab fare."

"Given how thick the padding on these stools is, they're ridiculously uncomfortable."

"Oh I'm sorry. Did I hear you say strap-on?"

"They're my 'fuck-me' shoes."

"I'm out celebrating. My agency just won the Ferragamo account."

"So, I complained. I told him, `This deal with drawing ridiculous cheekbones on your characters isn't funny. It just looks weird. People think they're part of the eye - or the eye itself - and they're not even in the right place'. Did he listen? No. Fucker got mad, and put me in pumps."

“Oh that? I do it in case my wife calls.”

These? I've been wearing them ever since my wife found them in my car.

"Honestly, does this suit make me look mannish?"

"Oh, fiddlesticks, I got your blush all over my hand when I was slapping you up in the bathroom five minutes ago."

"The heels distract people from noticing that I don't have a chin. You should try it!"

"So I said to her, I mean him, whatever, get you tranny mitts off those fuckme pumps. There mine, tee-hee."

"Blah blah blah blah metrosexual."

Singing : 1)Living in the whirl 2)Couldn't understand 3)Anything can happen 4)If you take a chance 5)I never believed in 6)What I didn't see 7)I never opened my heart,yeah! 8) To all the possibilities 9) I know something has happened 10) Never felt this way 11)And right here today 12)This could be the start 13)Of something new, yeah ! 14).....It feels so right !

isn't it ironic that in our lesbian relationship I'm not the butch one?

"And I say it's The East Side."

"Would you like to see my other stool studies?”

"Hi, there ! I'm 'manny' being 'tranny'. And you ?"

"I'm transitioning, but just a little at a time."

"I don't know how 'anyone' gets in here with the bar that close to the door."

"You should see the urinals in this place!"

"...and my wife said, 'For what you spent on Judy Garland's ruby slippers, you're damned well going to wear them!'"

"Baby, if I weren't a flaming homo, I'd totally try to get you drunk and take you home with me!"

"That's nothing. In the rush to get out of the therapist's office, my wife go the tin man's axe."

"I think its so last year to match the shoes and tie."

"What good is Happy Hour if you can't do something that makes you feel happy?"

"Pumps are the new wingtips."

"Yeah, but don't forget, if I win the other bet, you have to wear my smegma all over that pretty face."

"Ever have the feeling you forgot to take something off?"

"Hey, I coulda sworn there was a bar right in front of me."

"Look, when I swivel around, I can get both my eyes on one side of my nose."

"So then she said, 'you should walk a mile in my shoes'. So now I'm a mile away from that bitch, plus I've got her shoes! Jokes on her."

"They are tap shoes. Creates a clearer signal to the guy in the next stall."

1)'Moaner Leo', 'Moaner Leo', men defamed me 2)I'm too nearly 'dandy' when I 'style' ! 3)Is it mainly cause I'm wom'nly men have so shamed me 4)For the 'Moaner Leo' lameness when I smile ? ....Karaoke later. You sticking ?

You could be right. Maybe I don't understand what "'fuck-me' pumps" means. Now that we've cleared that up, how about fucking me?

It's a Cosmo - but I drink it in a tumbler to seem more masculine.

"Haven't I not seen you in CULLUM'S WORLD before ?"

"I'm forty-three, but I have the feet of a nineteen-year-old girl. My daughter, in fact. And the surgery was cheap!"

"Heh. See, the humor is that I look perfectly butch except for my shoes. And my tightly crossed legs. And my dainty hands. And my fussed-over hair. And the rouge on my face. And my lisp, of course. And the rising? Intonation? At the end of every clause? And the pink shirt I wear to all my reason.tv interviews. Other than that, I'm 100% hetero."

"These? Funny story. I'm a therapist and I had a young girl in my office last week with lots of issues--but no money. She did, however, have these fabulous shoes..."

"Josephine. But you can call me Joe."

"I get no kick from cocaine. Wearing women's shoes -- now that's another story."

"Katy Perry, you are scandalous. I mean, you're clearly not gay -- in fact, I'd say your own views of sexuality seem downright narrowminded and frankly a little boring. But this tame stunt is just risque enough to inspire another #1 pop hit, plus I can tell all my friends I fucked that girl who sang the 'Kissed a Girl' song."

I was raised by rather traditional Chinese foster parents, who apparently wanted a girl.

"The last time we got drunk together you told me you only fucked men who wore heels... Now you tell me you actually said 'all the men you fucked WERE heels'. I'd feel really stupid right now, except I really like the way these things make me feel."

My boss thinks I'm at a barre.

"Wouldn't life be dull without the flair and imagination of queer fashion designers and interior decorators?"

"They match my hideous tie."

"Ever fuck a man in heels?"

I'm pregnant. Call Oprah while I enjoy one last drink.

" 'Fanny' being lonely, meet Manny being 'tranny' - or did I introduce myself earlier ?"

"I hear Jimmy chews."

"OK, I'm bored. Let's switch our bottoms back."

"Yes, I suppose you might say my tie is a bit 'indecisive'. ..You're new to this block, aren't you ?!"

"Yes, I suppose you might say my tie is rather 'indecisive'. ..You're new to this block, aren't you ?!"

Did you say "scissor?"

I guess this means you've got a penis, eh?

" 'Dreadlocks' -- 'Maiden decollete' ?! Good God !"

"It's YOUR 'go cup', if you catch my drift."

"And can I suggest cucumber slices for those nasty bags under your eyes?"

"Betcha never thought you'd meet Fran Lebowitz in this bar."

"Wellllll, one global nuclear holocaust later... now who's saying she won't fuck me if I'm the Last Man on Earth, hmmmmmmmmm?"

"... yeah, Cheney got lethal injection. But my lawyer proved my father had been hypnotizing me since 1978, and besides, I was coked out of my mind every day, and ..."

"Psst! You're 'mullato', aren't you? ...To explain, I'm working 'undercover' for the 'Blacks in Magazine Cartoons, Equal Opportunity Commission'. ...Yeah, we don't appreciate 'gay bashers', either."

"In the original version of that cover I was snorting a line off Obama's turgid endowment."

"...and this is an expensive French wig; and Laura knew this plastic surgeon; and no Texan in history, as far as I know--yuck! yuck !--ever sat like this; and I 'cold-turkeyed' work-outs, laid-on 15 pounds; and got off the wagon, what no one'd ever suspect--yuck! yuck! (Oops, got to watch that !); and improved my diction--thanks, Laura ! ...Chablis or Cabernet Sauvignon, madame ?"

So ummm...I guess this is one of those bars where you bring your own drinks? Because a there is clearly no bartender in this area. I'll go ask the manager what's going on."

Hey...I know you!! You were in Corpse Bride! Man, you got fat!

"Yes I am a Red Sox fan. Season ticket holder, as a matter of fact. Why do you ask?"

"What goes on in Delaware, stays in Delaware."

"I like the location of this bar, it's so close to my office. But, I hate that they only serve drinks of different brands hot sauce instead of liquor."

"Hey, what's up with our fingers? Ever noticed how it looks like a cross between the Vulcan peace sign and a 'rockin' demon' hand gesture?"

"In America it's a barbituate. In Russia it's a 'bar bitch I ate'!"

"Tell me... does it look like my eyes are closed mostly and I am looking at my hands... or is it just the way I am drawn?"

"You have the whitest skin I think I'd likely 'come' across!"

"Look behind me. Sure they got my 'burger and fries' order done speedily... but for God's sake...there's no plate to eat off!"

"Wouldn't it be hilarious if you had like big mud caked construction boots on? And if a preist and a rabbi walked in, like in bunny suits or leather or something."

"Ha ha ha. Isn't absinthe wonderful?"

"Yeah, yeah, but just suppose you're on Don't Forget the Lyrics . O.K., 1)You know you are my lover 2)You got me twisted over you 3)I know I got what you neeeeed 4)So what you wanna do 5)Baby, baby I know 6)Baby I love you so 7)But you don't feel like I do 8)Tell me what can I do 9)But I gotta be strong 10) You di_ __ _____ ! O.K.,O.K. ? ....You give up?! ..Man, that show has done more for my karaoke !"

"I say, maybe it's this hormone riddled drink or the tightness of my heels, but, my dear, you look mah-velous."

Actually, I don't think Mueller is doing a very good job. Do you want to know who my favorite FBI Director was?

"Ahh, screw em. I hate bees anyhow."

"Sorry, but I'm waiting for a priest, a minister and a rabbi."

"...and my heart beat fast when I came in the door, for 1)In my Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it 2)I'll be the plainest 'dandy' in the Easter Parade. 3)You'll be 'in the clover', but though they look you over 4) I'll be the 'loudest' swell--O,in the Easter Parade ! 5)On the Avenue, Eighth Avenue 6)Papparazzi will trap us 7)And we'll find ourselves 8)In th_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ? O.K., 'smarty'."

"Do you like them? I bought them off of the third girl from the left in Caption Contest #153."

"They're reversable Weeguns."

"Christ rose from the tomb, greeted his apostles and then descended to Hell. He tore asunder the gates of Pandemoneum and cowed Lucifer himself. He then brought the word of salvation to all the damned that lived before His time, ascended to Paradise, and all I got were these goofy shoes."

"It is better to regret something you have done than something you haven't."

"Dan'l Boone kilt a bar in these shoes. Bar was also reading Cosmo and smokin' Virginia Slims; but still..."

"They're made from Pork, the Other White Meat!"

So you've got the lady parts upstairs and the man parts downstairs? I'm pretty sure that means we can still make this work...

They belonged to my grandmother - just like my teeth.

I see you've discovered the powers of my hypnotic tie. Now... you will OBEYYyyyyy!

I want you to put your phone number right there, right on the coaster.

"They're from Manolo Blahnik's new men's line."

"Everyone thinks that just because I had my eyes scooped out in a drive-by scooping, I can't do normal things, like dress myself."

"Well, you know the old saying: 'You masturbate into it, you bought it.'"

Just because I'm wearing women's shoes doesn't mean I'm gay. The fact that I love cock does, however.

"Oh yeah? Well, I'm the Wicked Bitch of the Upper West Side, honey, so why don't you just hobble back to Jersey like a good girl and forget all about your scary adventure in the big city."

"Well, well, well, isn't this a likely scenario! I'm wearing Canadian shoes and you're from Alpha Centauri. Is there nothing the New Yorker won't laugh at?"

"Seriously, I'm the best there is. Don't let the shoes fool you, I found brides for Grover Norquist, RUpert Murdoch, and Mitch McConnell, so when I say Governor Crist would like to see you in the bathroom I really mean it. Just don't ask about Lindsay Graham...that was a heartbreaker."

"You're reall nice and all but I'm just not into lampposts who wear wigs. I like human women who wear sandals who like lampposts who wear combat boots."

"My wife doesn't understand me."

Sure, I took a lot of teasing from the other members of my National Guard Unit, but right now they're dodging IEDs in Fallouja and I'm having a whiskey sour in the middle of the afternoon. So, I'd say I had the last laugh.

"So I say to the bartender, 'Yeah, just put it on my bill. Classic!'"

"Having small, narrow feet really expands my choices of footwear."

"Did you hear about the single woman from the bar who was found dead with her feet hacked off, naked and face-down under the bed? What- too much information?"

"I'm haunted by the soles of my victims."

"Surprisingly, they aren't nearly as uncomfortable as the thong."

"Once you go Blahnik, you never go back."

"Say what you will about 'Ingénue,' writing country songs for dykes doesn't keep the bourbon flowing."

"I'll have you know I'm the newest hybrid model."

"Why not come home to my place, honey, and help me pry my two middle fingers apart? And then I've got a big surprise for you."

"I decided on foot binding to celebrate the Beijing Olympics."

"Have you heard about the latest men's fashion? Suit and tie on top, shorts on the bottom -- puhleeez!"

"They make me so much taller . . . except on the stool, of course."

"People can be so mean and hurtful. I usually cut myself, but tonight I'm trying alcohol first."

"I know what you mean... You never know what to expect on a blind date like this. I, for one, didn't expect to meet some snotty bitch who would sit halfway across the room and repeatedly call me 'effeminate.'"

If you think these shoes are feminine, just wait till you see my underwear!

"The inexcusable stereotypes here are epicene."

"Yes, I had a squid transplanted where my right hand used to be. Makes me smell more like real fish."

"I had to literally squeeze out of the closet after the 1994 Northridge Earthquake."

"Think whatever you want, but they actually alleviate corns and calluses."

"So I said, I said, 'Red's my color, bitch,' and he just walked out. Worst day of my life. And believe me, there are plenty more where that came from, honey."

"No, wait! You stay here, I'll go to the men's room, and when I come back, I'll be wearing SNOWSHOES! AH, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!"

" 'Flush Enough ?'--you may remember: (singing) 1)Well, since my 'maybe' left me 2)I found new digs to chill 3)It down at the heels,pure non-elite 4) At Housewreck Motel ! -5)See, although it now'days 'skidded' 6)It'll sometimes make jus' room '7)For broken-hearted 'bedded' 8)To lay away their 'fumes' ! 9)'What the hell,cops !' Tears be comin' 10)Our day-clerk arrest'd--'crack' ! 11)Why,we so low, we non-elite, 12)We ain't 'Flush Enough' to shack ! -- 13)You make me so manly, baby 14)You ____ __ __ _____ 15) I might try ! .... O.K.,O.K, any ideas, any ideas at all ? Take your time,take your time ! ..Man, Wayne Brady ! ......Another drink ?"

No, I'm pretty sure my craigslist ad said "Rockette Science".

"I don't think you are ready for this jelly. It's homemade. I use locally grown berries to help pump up the jam, pump it up, a pump it up yo pump it..."

"Yes, those shoes do make your ass look fat."

Terry often tries to talk the Invisible Man into threesomes with wine swilling hobos.

"Granted it's a unique fetish: I dress like a woman trying to make senior partner."

I know! I keep telling the bartender they could quadruple their seating capacity just by turning these stools upside down.

"O.K.-now for $100,000 !:(singing) 1)It's quarter to three, there's no one in the place 2)Except you and me 3)So set 'em up, 'ho', I got a little song 4)I think you gotta know 5)We're drinking --my 'spend' !-- to the end 6)Of a 'quickie' episode 7)Make it one for you,lady, 8)And one ____ ___ ___ ____ ..Whoa ! Karaoke !"

"If you like these shoes, you should see my vagina."

"...and so the prince went around to everyone in the village to see who the slipper fit. And—would you believe it—they fit Cinderella! I can't believe you've never heard that story."

"Why, yes, I do come here often. Thanks for asking."

"The tie makes me look tougher on foreign policy. I only wish my people had focus-grouped it before the February primaries."

"I'm undercompensating for my massive dick."

"Please Ralph, don't judge me. If I had your schedule I'd be just as passable as you."

"No, thigh highs. Are you insane?"

(Flashback) "You know, I once shot a bar slut wearing pink pumps.... How I found myself wearing pink pumps still remains a mystery!"

"Is it just me or are those four bottles on the counter looking for trouble? How dare they line up like bowling pins inviting a mini bowling ball or fashionable shoe to be hurled at them! And I thought this was a 'Smart' bar!"

"I don't know how all those fags drink cosmos and mai tais! Scotch and soda? That's a man's drink. Now if only there were some fags here I could get some ass in my favorite bathroom stall..."

"It's so weird that you have a penis, because I don't."

"Cursed monkey paw my ass! I haven't been able to slip into a size 2 since college."

"I'm a hermaphrodite, and these sexy pumps were way cheaper than surgery."

i'm not even gonna try -- i can't top abe's podiatrist sex change joke

See, that's the trouble with homonyms, because all these years I've been trying to make sense of "sexual heeling". Thanks for setting me straight. So to speak.

So not that I HAVE walked a mile in your shoes, let's get back to your bitchy attitude about your job here.

"What's a 'curator of Daumier prints' doing in a space like this ? ..Enough inadequacies, already ! ....Bitch."


The shoes? So what I do is, I sneak into women's apartments at night, have sex with them and walk out wearing their shoes. What? These are *your* shoes? Oh my, what are the odds?

...from Kansas actually. But to answer your question, I got 'em from a Tin Man. honest. Anyway, you come to this part of Oz often?

"Capricorn. That's very nice, honey. But I asked 'What's your size?"

"O,'darlin', LOOK where you STUCK ! 'Fritz' Cullum 'jam' you in there ?! ...Dear me ! Have I said a 'naughtaay'?! O, shut my mouth ! Gracious! My bad, risque' man ! .. Frilly man, me !"

"We're having such a good time, I almost forget the Federal Reserve has owned this country since 1913, and through the Council on Foreign Relations has controlled the media since 1917."

You know what they say about a man with small feet...

I once heard a funny joke:What do you call an avid gardener-- Herb. Ill show you funny. What's red and not there? -- no tomatoes

They're a women's size 5 . . . but my cock is huge!

If you think these are cute, you should see my panties.

Anyway, like I was sayin'. I like it up the ass.....hard.

"Well you know what they say about a man with big feet crammed into tiny women's pumps."

"I told you I could fit in them. Now you've got take to off your shirt."

"Yes, I know I'm a walking joke. But what's your excuse? Now get me another drink and make it snappy snappy."

Lebowitz...Fran Lebowitz. And you?

"How about them cubs?"

"This drink isn't the only Bloody Mary in the room."

"I'll tell you why....some fucking cartoonist for the New Yorker put them there!"


[Thought bubble above woman's head]
"What an asshole."

[Thought bubble above the man's head]
"My shoes certainly set me apart from the crowd. Maybe I can get her to have sex with me."

"They make my ass look wonderful!"

"Oh goodness, are you allergic to legumes too? I have one bar peanut and I get all sped-faced."

“Really? Well I’m not wearing any socks.”

"If it's any consequence, my mother wears army boots."

"Pssst! Don't look, but that guy in the corner is Leo Cullum, and I think he's sketching us! If I'm not mistaken, we could be the first lesbians in a New Yorker caption contest cartoon! I wonder what the winning caption would be."

"Yes, I've stumbled through life doing more harm than good. Yes, I may have killed more Americans than Vietnamese during the war and violated more Codes of Conduct than I can count. Yes I wear the shroud of War Hero but could care less about the families of POW/MIA. Yes, I am a bitter, nasty vindictive old man. At least I don't plaster the makeup on like a trollop."

"How about those Jets ? ..How about that Favre ?!"

"...and yet these were fatal to my candidacy ! You see, they're all so very 'style-conscious' over at NBC : Brian Williams...Whozis ? Oh,Chris Matthews! Yeah, Matthews ! Russert! Wait, he's dead ! Recall the job that bunch did on Gore ? Not that Schieffer, remember, didn't 'play the ass' over at CBS !"

"I just found them in the bathroom on this woman's feet."

'Actually, I am going through a mid-life crisis. How'd you know?"

If these are wrong, then I don't want to be right."

"This barstool is incredibly uncomfortable."

"Thanks ! It's a 'Giorgio'. But,hey, check this out ! I'm over on HARDBALL last week. It's all, 'It's about the SHOES, stupid !' with Matthews. O.K., and here's Fineman, you know, Howard Fineman: 'It's about the SHOES, 'stuuup''! Can you imagine ?! Same shoes, same tie ! ..Frigin' HARDBALL!"

What the hell happened to your hair?

"Step 1 was admitting we were powerless over Nordstrom shoes — that our wardrobes had become unmanageable."


"Yes, it is a miracle that we get served considering that there's no room behind the bar for a bartender."

"These and a jockstrap make one helluva slingshot."

"I'm wearing these because I lost a bet. My buddy, Bob, over there, bet that you smelled as much like a scallion as you look."

"Yes, they do accentuate my ass, and I admit I like the attention...but you know what, girlfriend? I still switch to sneakers for the commute home."

Just because I love women's shoes doesn't mean I'm gay. The fact that I love cock does, however.

"I'm an amputee. They work better than the guys legs, for some reason."

"Quick, lets steal the four unguarded bottles of alcohol behind us."

"So then I said, 'I simply MUST slip out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini!' *Laughter* No but seriously, I'm a transsexual prostitute. My rate's 20 bucks an hour."

"Did you hear that Bernie Mac died? It was such a shock, I absolutely loved him on Kings of Comedy. His show on Fox wasn't bad either. Alright I should probably go, I have other delightfully quirky places to be while wearing high heels."

"That has got to be the most absolutely, totally useless latch that's ever been....factoring in this is Harlem, that is !"

"Ooh- that was below the belt, girlfriend!"

"I'm in a transition phase: I'm a former Geisha girl, and a future asshole."

"Let's see, you put your right foot in; you put your right foot out. You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about. You do The Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around....this goes back a few, of course."

"The first rule of the women's shoes club is we do not talk about women's shoes."

"Hey, how about our Olympic synchronized swimmers ?!"

"Nunh uh ! I never called you a totally useless bitch. I SAID that is a totally useless LATCH....so get the wax out of your ears, why 'doncha' !"

" 'Lifestyle' trumps 'tax considerations', so Obama !"

" 'Worst Possible Clothes Contest' later this evening. Yeah, I could dress worse, but, strangely enough, 'worst' never really wins these things anymore. ..You sticking ?"

"No, no, last week's was supposed to be contest #155 but they numbered it #156. This week, we're the actual #156, but they didn't change last week's, so there's two contests numbered 156! Ha, ha, ha! are you as horny as I am? Oh, I am so fuckable right now!"

"Ha! Ha! You hear McCain's latest ? Yeah, wasn't that 'the kicks' ? When this woman's recovering from rape in the hospital, she sighs contentedly and whispers, 'Where is that marvelous ape?'. Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! ...I mean, is he gonna put Comedy Central out of business, or what ?....Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! I mean, you just know he slings a mean 'pick-up line' ! ....Have to !!"

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