May 12, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #146

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"I can't tell you how many times I masturbated to that yellow caution sign showing you and your sister crossing the street. What ever happened to her?" —djack

"Naturally you'll be paid a stick figure salary." —al in la

"Here's the plan: you and your fellow robots will pass unnoticed among the humans until you receive my command." —Arthur

Honorable mention
"So you spent the last six months as a back alley abortionist?" —Gary Goldsmith

"Sorry about the chemo. It's good to see you smiling again, though." —Deborah

"Do you have any disabilities that would prevent you from performing the duties of the job I just described?" —John

"So it says here that you're a vegan..." —Blake

"I like how you make me feel so big and complicated. Good job." —kosmicki

"You're hired! Good to see someone with the know-how to truly make our Web site 'sticky.'" —Vance

Should-win-the-real-contest bonus
"Looks like the jury might not hang you after all! In fact, if they guess 'L' you should be home free." —Brian L

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Can you tell me about a recent stressful experience you had at work and how did you handle the situation?

And what would you say was your greatest weakness? Besides..uh...the obvious fact that you are a shiny, happy stick cartoon figure?

Tell me about a conflict with a co-worker. How did you handle it? Oh...saying nothing and grinning like an idiot..excellent!

Oh no...we'll call *you*...

"That's the longest stick dick I've ever seen. Uh, why exactly is there a phone on the end of it?"

Your experience as a topless dancer will actually help you at this company.

"So you're going to be reading for the role of Karen in our Carpenter's biopic. "

"Well, let me tell you, Ms. Kate Moss! Your star has not dimmed one bit!!"

Randall Munroe! So nice to meet you!

"Listen. Look at the schnoz God gave to Jamie Farr. So, in the end, it all evens out."

I have to be honest, lol, right now it's a toss-up between you, wink, and rolleyes.

"Mr. Hammond! I’d know you anywhere from little Billy’s portrait of you."

"Honestly, your resume is a little thin."

"Do you have any disabilities that would prevent you from performing the duties of the job I just described?"

"Johnson, I told you not to show up naked ever again. You're fired."

"You have a tumor. Fortunately we can just erase your liver and redraw it."

"You entire family has been rubbed out. The wife, kids, dog, tree, box-shaped house with triangle roof...everything... erased."

"Your resume is a little thin."

"Sorry, Gary. I posted that without refreshing first"

"I think you'll be very happy here, Mr. Xkcd."

Here's the plan: you and your fellow robots will pass unnoticed among the humans until you receive my command.

"Sorry about the chemo. It's good to see you smiling again, though."

"So! Tell me what you don't like about yourself."

"Welcome aboard! I hope you'll stick around a long time. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should just stick to the facts on your resume, which show a lot of stick-to-it-iveness. Hoooo hoo hee hee hee hee hee hee. Oh, I know, you must get that all the time."

"You're right - that's a great Todd Parr! Now do Botero."

“Tell your father he can’t draw worth shit.”

(1) "We are very impressed with your credentials and would like to offer you a position."

(2) "Your resume is impressive, but I'm afraid this job requires someone who has a nose and a pair of ears."

"You realize, of course, that if we hire you your first order of business will be to fire your predecessor, Mr. Smiley Face."

"Looks like the jury might not hang you after all! In fact, if they guess 'L' you should be home free."

"I like how you make me feel so big and complicated. Good job."

"You see those still lives of eggs and various breakfast meats behind you? Well this is a non-stick kind of place. Get it?"

"Mr Hertzfeldt I am afraid your spoon is just too big for our newspaper."

"Which one of the Olsen twins are you again?"

"I can't tell you how many times I masturbated to that yellow caution sign showing you and your sister crossing the street. What ever hapened to her?"

"I've been considering getting a computer. What do you think, stick person?"

"And for how long were you Rick James's coke spoon?"

"Johnson! Thank goodness! I locked my keys in my car! Would you give me a blowjob?"

"I'm glad to hear things are improving. However, I am going to reduce your Paxil dosage just a bit to try to curb those side effects."

"I see you're pleased with the gastric bypass surgery our hospital performed."

And that's your final payment. Congratulations, your student loan is fully repaid! Please stop at reception on the way out to reclaim your hair, internal organs and skin.

I'm so sorry, no... three points form a plane. Two only get you a line -- or in your case, a stick.

"Since you're lacking internal organs, I'm afraid you're uninsureable. But I'll be damned if you don't put a smile on my face!"

"I see that you graduated with honors. But what exactly is magna cum doodle?"

"You're hired! Good to see someone with the know-how to truly make our Web site 'sticky.'"

"Here's a position that's almost perfect for you - slipping through keyholes and tiny crevices to retrieve valuable information! Neat, huh? Only reason I say 'almost' is that it will require cutting off your balloon-like head."

"Wow, who knew Karen Carpenter and that Jack In The Box guy had a kid?"

"Quick! Say something funny. It's obvious Radosh only reads the 50 entries!"

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for a schtick


"Stick around!"

"I see here you're no stranger to prison, yet you've never finished a sentence- what's up with that?"

"You're more than qualified for CFO, but I really need you as a hanger for my jacket right now."

I'm just throwing this out, but maybe you shouldn't have called him an illegal wetback.

We lost our air hockey puck and were wondering if we could use your head?

"Great!How soon can you climb up inside my ass?"

Your qualifications are fine, I just don't think we reasonably accommodate your need for a happy meal every day.

Please give my regards to Mrs. Fece and all the little Feces.

Frankly, you're the only applicant who's been able to fit, what with the 6" clearance between the chair and the wall.

"And 'have a nice day' to you, too!"

"Oh my gosh! I've never seen anything like this! ... Oh, please excuse me for staring. ... It's just that I just now noticed that the doorknob over there is in the middle of the door!"

"I see from your résumé that you used to pose for L S Lowry."

"Fuck me, this acid is the BOMB!"

"From this report I'd never guess that you'd try hanging yourself Mr. H_NG__N"

"Can you start Monday?"

"You are one skinny annoying fuck."

“You’re always around young children. That’s a big red flag with me pal!”

"Marcy? Can you come in here and clear away this stick figure I made? I've decided it's no substitute for a dead business partner of twenty-one years after all."

"Congratulations. I think you'll be a perfect fit here at the Acme Pipe Cleaner Company."

"It turns out Timmy's little drawing violated several copyrights which you will be entitled to."

"Next time bring your brother -- I LOVE the idea of painless double penetration."

"For a skinhead you are remarkably tolerant."

"It says here Mr. Washington that you admire Michael Jackson, Star Jones and Andrew Carnegie. Can you explain?"

"You can smile all you want, Mr. Jones -- I can see right through you!"

"I'm utterly amazed that your neck hasn't snapped!"

"Do you arrive naked to every job interview, Mr. Peters?"

"Well, I guess someone missed the 'Annoying Fucking Smiley-Faces Need Not Apply' sign"

"I'm afraid we can't hire you at this time. You see, we expect everyone here to help shoulder the work -- and since you have no shoulders..."

"(Hmmm... no nose, so he won't be nosey... no ears, so he can't eavesdrop...no clothes, so he can't pocket important secrets...) Mr. Stickly, I believe you're just the type of person we're looking for here at SleazeCorp."

“Really? You were born in Pencil...vania. That’s really funny, ASS...HOLE!”

I suppose if the New Yorker would ever spring for color, I could say I don't blame you for your "jaundiced" view of the world. But that's not the case, so let me just say that the hours here are obscene.

We here at United Mortuary Services, are eager to move in an exciting new direction and we think you're just the man to take us there.

...and why do you believe you are ready for parole?

"Well maybe you think you'd make a good pole dancer, but we need someone with bigger tits."

"Just one more question: What's brown and stick-figurey?"

"The hours here are Auschwitzian."

"Mr. Stick, I must say, I envy you. Unlike me, you've never had to experience the unpleasantness of a sunburned nose."

"I have no doubt you're ready for the job. But the question remains: are you Rapture Ready?"

Your credentials are perfect, but I'm looking for a receptionist with bigger tits.

“We do hire pencil necked geeks, but not ones with your carbon footprint.”

"Of course I'd recognize you anywhere! My daughter in kindergarten keeps a picture of you on our refrigerator!"

"I don't know if you are the right fit for us, or just drawn badly."

(Thinking to himself) "I can spot a sucker a mile away!"

"Mr. Smiley, I'm afraid we have to let you go... and I am glad you are taking it so well. On your way out tell 'Crudely Drawn Idea Lightbulb' to come in. He's being replaced by 'Crudely Drawn Spiral-topped Lightbulb'. Gosh, it's hard on us all trying to keep up with the times!"

“No, Dachau breath, we’re looking for sticktoitiveness.”

Keep on tawkin, Mr. Bigtime. Keep on tawkin and I'll just keep on smilin. G'ahead. Tawk bout ya bigtime office and ya bigtime suit and ya bigtime super model goilfriend. Old Liney's got mesself m'own plans. Bigtime plans.

"It turns out Timmy's little drawing may be considered libel."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"God I wish they would fix the air conditioning. My back is sweating so much I'm going to have to ask for a new chair"

"Your hired Mr.Earless! Audiology needs you right away. Pardon me. Do you wear glasses?"

"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this... with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.

Don't worry, the headless figures on my left are just for motivating the team.

"I'm telling you Fred, if this guy can even remotely whistle far and wee then I am looking at our queer balloonman."

I'm sorry, the position has been filled.

"I, too, really enjoy a French farce, but I wouldn't necessarily have included it on my resume'."

"Hey..say you're "green" and you got the job."

"Mr. Hiresomeonewhocan'ttakeyourjob says, "You are all we've been looking for and then some."

"There are some downsides: These cloud shaped rooms do tend to feel a bit claustrophobic, and a disgruntled former employee carved his name into all the desks. Still interested?"

"Trust me kid, you'll never get work in a New Yorker cartoon looking like that."

I'll be happy to represent you. You have an excellent case. Your likeness is being used without your consent all over the internet.

You've got the ultimate supermodel body. Now we just need to get your face out there.

"I appreciate that you'd be willing to work through lunch every day, but I really don't think that's necessary."

"No, frankly it's your bizarre, spidery fingers that are REALLY freaking me out."

"Hell, my KID coulda hired THAT..."

No, it's just that this is the first time the agency has faxed over the applicant.

"Uh-oh... what are you doing with your leg... mhmmm..."

"Naturally you'll be paid a stick figure salary."

"...and you realize if we do hire you to be Mr. Met, you'll need to put on a few pounds and paint red stitches on your head."

"And what's more, I can tell you're definitely a stickler for details."

"Spaghetti, you crazy bastard, how the hell are you?"

"Sure! Business casual is fine around here."

"Who does your hair?"

"Your resume says you have a nose for news."

"...and as my assistant, it will be important that you don't try to overshadow me."

"Wow, they said you wouldn't be able to launch a new career in wind energy after all that time in electrical, but I gotta say, the makeover is perfect!"

"You're not wearing pants, are you?"

"Wire you here today?"

"Boy am I relieved to find out you're not black."

"I don't care about the DNA evidence. What I care about is what they jury will say, and I'd bet anything on not guilty."

"This is how a laptop works. You open the top, and it has a screen built-in!"

"So, this is what it's like to be in a storyboard for 'The Office.' Let me guess-- you must be the secretary? How can I tell? It's that subtle and secretive wry smile you're sharing directly with the camera that gives you away."

"So, I have the results of your personality compatibility quiz from our dating service. And it says here that you would make a excellent match.... and that's it."

"Sure, you're all smiles now. But I bet your wife would love to see the happy moves you're puttin' on this lady right here in this flipbook."

(I'll use up my fifth to edit my last one ...)

"Sure, you're all smiles now. But I bet your wife won't be smilin' when she sees the happy moves you're puttin' on your lady friend in this flipbook."

"I've called you in to let you know - and I'm surprised you haven't figured this out yourself - you've been downsized."

" One might say you came out of Jacks wife's box! How do you feel about that? "

"With a face like that, I'll bet you just bowl the women over!"

"I'll pencil you in for next Thursday at 9:30."

"I've decided not to hire you. Know why? Because you make me feel FAT!"

"I believe we could use you here at Walmart. Do you have any acting experience?"

"I warned you not to let all this fame go to your head."

"For a person with your physique that's quite a grip you've got on the table, Chief."

"So, what is that? SPF 300?

"So far, so good. Now, one last task: Let's see if you can play that lyre at the end of my desk."

The posting clearly said "no fatties!"

So you spent the last six months as a back alley abortionist?

"Wow! When you start a task you really stick to it. How did you figure it out?"

"You're fully qualified for the position, but the secretary is a recovering anorexic and you make her self-conscious."

"Dammit, you've got AIDS! Think you can stop smiling for just one freakin' minute?"

For some strange reason I suspect that you aren't wearing any pants.

Lastly, do you have any skeletons in your closet that could be seen with the naked eye?

"I'm sorry, I can't hire a secretary who doesn't have any tits. I'm not paying you to stare at your that stick you call a chest all day."

damn typos. that last one should have read:

"I'm sorry, I can't hire a secretary who doesn't have any tits. I'm not paying you to stare at that stick you call a chest all day."

"I guess we can skip the question about why you think you'd be a good Holocaust reenactor."

"Your hands are remarkably thick for a stick figure. Do you masturbate a lot?"

The dummy in place, Mr. Jeffries's Ferris Bueller fantasy was close to fruition. All he needed now was a teenaged girl and a developmentally-disabled best friend, and he knew just which correctional facility to kidnap them from.

"Well, you've got absolutely no tits and, I'm guessing, no ass. I mean none. Remarkable. But I just can't argue with 15 years of experience."

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."

"I know, Jerry, that you are as human as the rest of us, if not more so."

I admit it, this is a convincing plan to get this gigantic desk out of my office so that I can leave without climbing over it. You have an excellent sense of two-dimensional space.

"I can help but notice that for a thin guy, you have monstrously large knuckles."

Hubba hubba!

So it says here that you're a vegan...

Why yes, my desk size is a status symbol.

It seems that on your application form, you left your gender blank... would you mind standing up again, please?

"I'm really excited about this 'Personal Search' method you've patented. So you're just gonna dive right into this manuscript and find the word defenestrate, right?"

"So for the past ten years you've been a nude model for an elementary school art class?"

"My last assistant quit because I farted so much, so the fact that you don't have a nose is a big plus. Pull my finger.... (lengthy pause). Still smiling blankly? That's great! Can you start tomorrow?"

"Mr. Stick? Figures."

"Somehow I thought that my imaginary friend would be...I dunno...meatier."

"To be frank, Frank, we're looking for someone with a little more substance."

"By the way, don't cross your legs; we have a very strict Fire Code around here."

"You've got it all: the short hair cut, small chest, pre-pubescent face. But our modeling agency does have weight policies. Could you lose 10 or so from your head?"

"I'm sorry. You don't have an outtie bellybutton. If you were black, we could hire you."

"Is your head lemon flavored?"

"You are correct. This isn't the first time someone has called me a fat ass."

"Feel free to run your fingers over the surface of my desk. It's very shiny."

"'Close Encounters' is one of my favorite movies. Tell me, what's Richard Dreyfuss really like?"

"Miss Welsch! Of course I am interested! Boom Stick-a Wah Wah... Stick-a Wah Wah!"

This reference says you're a dirty, rotten whore. Your hired!

This reference says you're a dirty, rotten whore. And we're always looking for fresh talent here at the Dirty Rotten Whore Group.

"...and I put down your turnoffs are 'helmet laws and mean people.' Okay Sheri--or should I say 'Miss July'?--let's get you down to make-up."

You got the job, buddy! You got the job!

I used to draw you as a kid. Of course your genetalia was much larger. Much much much much much much much larger.

I've handled a similar client. Are you familiar with Ms. Flockhart's work? What? 1997 wants its joke back?

Let me just say upfront, Mr. Snow, that I loved your work at the White House.

"You'll start in the mail room, but as you acquire more experience, internal organs, a face, you'll be considered for promotion."

"I see a lot of myself in you, kid. A rough outline, anyway."

"Yes sir, I have my resume right here."

"Honestly, you aren't the best-qualified applicant, but you are the only one who fits in the interview chair."

(Oops, didn't see similar entry above.)

Yeah my hair is real, but your circle looks like it was drawn by a retard.

If you think my eye is bulging, wait till I show you what I have between my hairy thighs.

The artist that drew me is being sued by the creator of the Simpsons, how about you?

If I drew two dots and a mouth on that door knob and hit it with a hammer, I could become an abortion doctor.

"When you freed that beautiful Genie from the bottle and she offered to grand you any wish, why did you ask to be her 'steady stick?' You should have just wished for 'a little head.'"

It's funny, but if I squint my eyes you look like an asshole with two dots and a mouth.

You know that doorknob to your left is actually the shrunken head of your uncle Bob, I just removed his eyes and mouth with my eraser penis.

So you're telling me that Charlie Brown's your Dad and Lucy's your Mom?
I think she was whoring with that bitch Snoopy, thats what I think.

"I note, Mr. Tidy, that you have entered charges of $1,455.OO to cover meals while on the road in the past quarter ?"

You have Asperger's syndrome? I have Asperger's syndrome!

The last guy was a paperclip. He'd spout the most useless information, then wink at you and slip away into the darkness. Creepy, very creepy.

"And we'll give your recommendations their due weight, Stringfellow-- just as we always have."

So all you know how to do is to whistle and lower prices? To be honest, we're really looking for someone with more practical skills -- typing, computer experience, short-order cooking -- that sort of thing.

"I see you've done a lot of day and evening wear modeling. What makes you think you'd be good for swimsuits?"

Oh yes, do I have the perfect match for you. She's flat and thin just like you and her vagina smells like magic marker.

Yes mister Gray, the good new is we did find your natural birth parents. The bad news is they are both deceased and just small shavings of wood along with your brother and sister in my electric pencil sharpener.

"Regrettably, Mr. Noodle, while it is true that we mens' reach ought exceed our grasp, the hiring office has concluded that, with respect to any responsibility you might undertake with the firm, your reach must almost inevitably TOO far exceed any grasp you might reasonably be expected to have. ..... Thank you and good day."

"You seem to have a white face, but a black stick-body. I'm going to need to know more about your ethnic background before I can make my hiring decision, because I'm a racist."

"Frankly, Mr. Circum, we like our secretaries here to be 'mean, UNLEAN typing machines', if you catch my insinuation."

How in the world did this balloon grow two arms? Note to self: Stop doing drugs around the children!

[Homer Simpson voice]
Mmmm...innocent face on crudely drawn line.

"For the last time, Ms. Mansfield ! 'Teleporting' your individualized 'employee-logo' from The Hamptons like this hardly satisfies the company's requirement that you actually come downtown to the office at least once a week. ....You're fired !"

"I like that your head is so lickable. You're going to go far here."

"Anorexia or bulemia?"

"So, have you ever seen that show 'Nip/Tuck?' Just wondering..."

"The family-mindedness which provokes you to request 'leave of absence' in support of your sister's 'breast-enhancement procedure' is very admirable, I am sure. Unfortunately, under the most recent Labor Law Codicil, such leaves may only be granted for that procedure in the case of female spouses or daughters living under the same roof. ....Request denied ! Get back to work !"

"The documents simply state that you're happy with your stay here at Camp X-Ray, you weren't tortured or brainwashed, and you weighed 21 pounds when you arrived here. Just write, 'Life to America,' on the dotted line, and we'll have you back in Karbala within 24 hours."

"When I speak of 'reps', Mr. Lolly, I refer to 'cred'--more specifically, to 'street cred', and not to the number of consecutive bar-bell lifts you may, or may not, be capable of making ! Afterall, we will be expecting any new hires to take on some pretty tough routes at first."

"That would be me. I'm the guy you have to blow to get a job around here."

Mr. Figure,..about this company dress code policy..

“Let’s see how happy you are when your heart gives out from anorexia.”

"We're looking for someone who will stick stick stick stick, par par pardon my stut stut stutter, with us for at least two two years."

"I'm sorry, but I won't be able to do plastic surgery on you."

"Actually, I'm the one who's nervous. I know you can't see it, but I have sweat running all down my back, past my ass and my thighs. It's actually pretty disgusting."

"So right before the beach bully kicks sand into your face, you say 'I used to be a two dimensional weakling'. Later it shows you holding up the enhancement supplements--wait, no, that's when you get replaced by Jose Canseco."

"Come back when you lose some weight. We don't let just any fatty anchor Entertainment Tonight."

"If the unbecoming crimson hue of my nose didn't tip you off, I'm just gonna come out and say I'm pretty fucking hammered right now."

Initial interview with original "Smiley" model, c. 1963 (Ball Archives)

Am I supposed to be impressed that you were drawn by the "Van Gogh" of the retarted class at your High School?

Because if you think I should be, I'm actually really not.

"Those.. ohh... long legs and .... ohhmm ... feet will come ... mmmm ... in really hhh handy working for me."

"Is THIS anyway we can propose to denote calorie-conscious items for the American consumer ?! This..this.. "Thin'ma'bob', N'er Pants" ? Really ! Next laser-projection, P-U-L-E-E-Z-E !"

Gram. Correction -- "Is THIS any way we can propose to denote calorie-conscious items for the American consumer ?! This..this..'Thin'ma'bob, N'er Pants' ? Really ! Next laser-projection, P-U-L-E-E-Z-E !"

"Don't worry Mr. Stick, they'll never choose this caption. The editors here can barely read, let alone get to the bottom of the submissions pile!"

3===つ O-:

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