The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #146
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"I can't tell you how many times I masturbated to that yellow caution sign showing you and your sister crossing the street. What ever happened to her?" —djack
Finalists
"Naturally you'll be paid a stick figure salary." —al in la
"Here's the plan: you and your fellow robots will pass unnoticed among the humans until you receive my command." —Arthur
Honorable mention
"So you spent the last six months as a back alley abortionist?" —Gary Goldsmith
"Sorry about the chemo. It's good to see you smiling again, though." —Deborah
"Do you have any disabilities that would prevent you from performing the duties of the job I just described?" —John
"So it says here that you're a vegan..." —Blake
"I like how you make me feel so big and complicated. Good job." —kosmicki
"You're hired! Good to see someone with the know-how to truly make our Web site 'sticky.'" —Vance
Should-win-the-real-contest bonus
"Looks like the jury might not hang you after all! In fact, if they guess 'L' you should be home free." —Brian L
Comments
"Can you tell me about a recent stressful experience you had at work and how did you handle the situation?
Posted by: simsburybear | May 12, 2008 9:39 AM
And what would you say was your greatest weakness? Besides..uh...the obvious fact that you are a shiny, happy stick cartoon figure?
Posted by: simsburybear | May 12, 2008 9:41 AM
Tell me about a conflict with a co-worker. How did you handle it? Oh...saying nothing and grinning like an idiot..excellent!
Posted by: simsburybear | May 12, 2008 9:46 AM
Oh no...we'll call *you*...
Posted by: simsburybear | May 12, 2008 9:46 AM
"That's the longest stick dick I've ever seen. Uh, why exactly is there a phone on the end of it?"
Posted by: djack | May 12, 2008 9:47 AM
Your experience as a topless dancer will actually help you at this company.
Posted by: LK | May 12, 2008 9:52 AM
"So you're going to be reading for the role of Karen in our Carpenter's biopic. "
Posted by: David | May 12, 2008 9:53 AM
"Well, let me tell you, Ms. Kate Moss! Your star has not dimmed one bit!!"
Posted by: Kathy H | May 12, 2008 9:53 AM
Randall Munroe! So nice to meet you!
Posted by: Eric Berlin | May 12, 2008 9:54 AM
"Listen. Look at the schnoz God gave to Jamie Farr. So, in the end, it all evens out."
Posted by: Tim H | May 12, 2008 9:56 AM
I have to be honest, lol, right now it's a toss-up between you, wink, and rolleyes.
Posted by: therblig | May 12, 2008 9:57 AM
"Mr. Hammond! I’d know you anywhere from little Billy’s portrait of you."
http://www.cartoonbank.com/product_details.asp?mscssid=J5VFUQCCK5738N924PBPN8LK6LPQ3GUC&sitetype=1&did=4&sid=35270&pid=&keyword=drawing§ion=cartoons&title=undefined&whichpage=2&sortBy=popular
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 12, 2008 10:17 AM
"Honestly, your resume is a little thin."
Posted by: gary | May 12, 2008 10:21 AM
"Do you have any disabilities that would prevent you from performing the duties of the job I just described?"
"Johnson, I told you not to show up naked ever again. You're fired."
"You have a tumor. Fortunately we can just erase your liver and redraw it."
"You entire family has been rubbed out. The wife, kids, dog, tree, box-shaped house with triangle roof...everything... erased."
Posted by: John | May 12, 2008 10:24 AM
"Your resume is a little thin."
Posted by: David | May 12, 2008 10:27 AM
"Sorry, Gary. I posted that without refreshing first"
Posted by: David | May 12, 2008 10:28 AM
"I think you'll be very happy here, Mr. Xkcd."
Posted by: Francis | May 12, 2008 10:41 AM
Here's the plan: you and your fellow robots will pass unnoticed among the humans until you receive my command.
Posted by: Arthur | May 12, 2008 10:53 AM
"Sorry about the chemo. It's good to see you smiling again, though."
Posted by: Deborah | May 12, 2008 10:56 AM
"So! Tell me what you don't like about yourself."
Posted by: Deborah | May 12, 2008 10:56 AM
"Welcome aboard! I hope you'll stick around a long time. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should just stick to the facts on your resume, which show a lot of stick-to-it-iveness. Hoooo hoo hee hee hee hee hee hee. Oh, I know, you must get that all the time."
Posted by: Francis | May 12, 2008 10:57 AM
"You're right - that's a great Todd Parr! Now do Botero."
Posted by: Deborah | May 12, 2008 10:58 AM
“Tell your father he can’t draw worth shit.”
Posted by: dwilk | May 12, 2008 11:01 AM
(1) "We are very impressed with your credentials and would like to offer you a position."
(2) "Your resume is impressive, but I'm afraid this job requires someone who has a nose and a pair of ears."
Posted by: Jacob C | May 12, 2008 11:04 AM
"You realize, of course, that if we hire you your first order of business will be to fire your predecessor, Mr. Smiley Face."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 12, 2008 11:10 AM
"Looks like the jury might not hang you after all! In fact, if they guess 'L' you should be home free."
Posted by: Brian L | May 12, 2008 11:11 AM
"I like how you make me feel so big and complicated. Good job."
"You see those still lives of eggs and various breakfast meats behind you? Well this is a non-stick kind of place. Get it?"
Posted by: kosmicki | May 12, 2008 11:16 AM
"Mr Hertzfeldt I am afraid your spoon is just too big for our newspaper."
Posted by: Brian L | May 12, 2008 11:18 AM
"Which one of the Olsen twins are you again?"
Posted by: jim M | May 12, 2008 11:19 AM
"I can't tell you how many times I masturbated to that yellow caution sign showing you and your sister crossing the street. What ever hapened to her?"
Posted by: djack | May 12, 2008 11:20 AM
"I've been considering getting a computer. What do you think, stick person?"
Posted by: Francis | May 12, 2008 11:28 AM
"And for how long were you Rick James's coke spoon?"
Posted by: jim M | May 12, 2008 11:35 AM
"Johnson! Thank goodness! I locked my keys in my car! Would you give me a blowjob?"
Posted by: J | May 12, 2008 11:36 AM
"I'm glad to hear things are improving. However, I am going to reduce your Paxil dosage just a bit to try to curb those side effects."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 12, 2008 11:42 AM
"I see you're pleased with the gastric bypass surgery our hospital performed."
Posted by: David John | May 12, 2008 11:50 AM
And that's your final payment. Congratulations, your student loan is fully repaid! Please stop at reception on the way out to reclaim your hair, internal organs and skin.
Posted by: gary | May 12, 2008 11:55 AM
I'm so sorry, no... three points form a plane. Two only get you a line -- or in your case, a stick.
Posted by: Sean Steele | May 12, 2008 12:07 PM
"Since you're lacking internal organs, I'm afraid you're uninsureable. But I'll be damned if you don't put a smile on my face!"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 12, 2008 12:14 PM
"I see that you graduated with honors. But what exactly is magna cum doodle?"
Posted by: mypalmike | May 12, 2008 12:15 PM
"You're hired! Good to see someone with the know-how to truly make our Web site 'sticky.'"
Posted by: Vance | May 12, 2008 12:19 PM
"Here's a position that's almost perfect for you - slipping through keyholes and tiny crevices to retrieve valuable information! Neat, huh? Only reason I say 'almost' is that it will require cutting off your balloon-like head."
Posted by: Vance | May 12, 2008 12:21 PM
"Wow, who knew Karen Carpenter and that Jack In The Box guy had a kid?"
Posted by: David John | May 12, 2008 12:30 PM
"Quick! Say something funny. It's obvious Radosh only reads the 50 entries!"
Posted by: al in la | May 12, 2008 12:38 PM
"I'm sorry, but we're looking for a schtick
figure."Posted by: Tim H | May 12, 2008 12:49 PM
"Stick around!"
Posted by: mr. pickycapellit | May 12, 2008 12:57 PM
"I see here you're no stranger to prison, yet you've never finished a sentence- what's up with that?"
"You're more than qualified for CFO, but I really need you as a hanger for my jacket right now."
Posted by: LV | May 12, 2008 1:16 PM
I'm just throwing this out, but maybe you shouldn't have called him an illegal wetback.
Posted by: Melissa | May 12, 2008 1:36 PM
We lost our air hockey puck and were wondering if we could use your head?
Posted by: boneguy | May 12, 2008 1:41 PM
"Great!How soon can you climb up inside my ass?"
Posted by: Glenn | May 12, 2008 1:42 PM
Your qualifications are fine, I just don't think we reasonably accommodate your need for a happy meal every day.
Posted by: Weller | May 12, 2008 2:27 PM
Please give my regards to Mrs. Fece and all the little Feces.
Posted by: boneguy | May 12, 2008 2:33 PM
Frankly, you're the only applicant who's been able to fit, what with the 6" clearance between the chair and the wall.
Posted by: therblig | May 12, 2008 2:40 PM
"And 'have a nice day' to you, too!"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | May 12, 2008 3:17 PM
"Oh my gosh! I've never seen anything like this! ... Oh, please excuse me for staring. ... It's just that I just now noticed that the doorknob over there is in the middle of the door!"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | May 12, 2008 3:20 PM
"I see from your résumé that you used to pose for L S Lowry."
"Fuck me, this acid is the BOMB!"
"From this report I'd never guess that you'd try hanging yourself Mr. H_NG__N"
"Can you start Monday?"
Posted by: Dave W | May 12, 2008 3:21 PM
"You are one skinny annoying fuck."
Posted by: J.D. | May 12, 2008 3:22 PM
“You’re always around young children. That’s a big red flag with me pal!”
Posted by: dwilk | May 12, 2008 3:27 PM
"Marcy? Can you come in here and clear away this stick figure I made? I've decided it's no substitute for a dead business partner of twenty-one years after all."
Posted by: David John | May 12, 2008 3:36 PM
"Congratulations. I think you'll be a perfect fit here at the Acme Pipe Cleaner Company."
Posted by: J.D. | May 12, 2008 3:36 PM
"It turns out Timmy's little drawing violated several copyrights which you will be entitled to."
Posted by: reid savid | May 12, 2008 3:39 PM
"Next time bring your brother -- I LOVE the idea of painless double penetration."
Posted by: J.D. | May 12, 2008 3:43 PM
"For a skinhead you are remarkably tolerant."
Posted by: J.D. | May 12, 2008 3:45 PM
"It says here Mr. Washington that you admire Michael Jackson, Star Jones and Andrew Carnegie. Can you explain?"
Posted by: J.D. | May 12, 2008 3:49 PM
"You can smile all you want, Mr. Jones -- I can see right through you!"
Posted by: Dave | May 12, 2008 3:50 PM
"I'm utterly amazed that your neck hasn't snapped!"
Posted by: Dave | May 12, 2008 3:52 PM
"Do you arrive naked to every job interview, Mr. Peters?"
Posted by: Dave | May 12, 2008 3:53 PM
"Well, I guess someone missed the 'Annoying Fucking Smiley-Faces Need Not Apply' sign"
Posted by: Crales | May 12, 2008 4:01 PM
"I'm afraid we can't hire you at this time. You see, we expect everyone here to help shoulder the work -- and since you have no shoulders..."
Posted by: Dave | May 12, 2008 4:03 PM
"(Hmmm... no nose, so he won't be nosey... no ears, so he can't eavesdrop...no clothes, so he can't pocket important secrets...) Mr. Stickly, I believe you're just the type of person we're looking for here at SleazeCorp."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 12, 2008 4:08 PM
“Really? You were born in Pencil...vania. That’s really funny, ASS...HOLE!”
Posted by: dwilk | May 12, 2008 4:11 PM
I suppose if the New Yorker would ever spring for color, I could say I don't blame you for your "jaundiced" view of the world. But that's not the case, so let me just say that the hours here are obscene.
Posted by: therblig | May 12, 2008 4:27 PM
We here at United Mortuary Services, are eager to move in an exciting new direction and we think you're just the man to take us there.
Posted by: therblig | May 12, 2008 4:35 PM
...and why do you believe you are ready for parole?
Posted by: seth | May 12, 2008 5:14 PM
"Well maybe you think you'd make a good pole dancer, but we need someone with bigger tits."
Posted by: GilbertBob | May 12, 2008 5:17 PM
"Just one more question: What's brown and stick-figurey?"
"The hours here are Auschwitzian."
"Mr. Stick, I must say, I envy you. Unlike me, you've never had to experience the unpleasantness of a sunburned nose."
Posted by: Rubrick | May 12, 2008 5:27 PM
"I have no doubt you're ready for the job. But the question remains: are you Rapture Ready?"
Posted by: Rubrick | May 12, 2008 5:31 PM
Your credentials are perfect, but I'm looking for a receptionist with bigger tits.
Posted by: steven | May 12, 2008 5:37 PM
“We do hire pencil necked geeks, but not ones with your carbon footprint.”
Posted by: dwilk | May 12, 2008 5:49 PM
"Of course I'd recognize you anywhere! My daughter in kindergarten keeps a picture of you on our refrigerator!"
"I don't know if you are the right fit for us, or just drawn badly."
(Thinking to himself) "I can spot a sucker a mile away!"
"Mr. Smiley, I'm afraid we have to let you go... and I am glad you are taking it so well. On your way out tell 'Crudely Drawn Idea Lightbulb' to come in. He's being replaced by 'Crudely Drawn Spiral-topped Lightbulb'. Gosh, it's hard on us all trying to keep up with the times!"
Posted by: Johnny V | May 12, 2008 5:49 PM
“No, Dachau breath, we’re looking for sticktoitiveness.”
Posted by: dwilk | May 12, 2008 6:10 PM
Keep on tawkin, Mr. Bigtime. Keep on tawkin and I'll just keep on smilin. G'ahead. Tawk bout ya bigtime office and ya bigtime suit and ya bigtime super model goilfriend. Old Liney's got mesself m'own plans. Bigtime plans.
Posted by: seth | May 12, 2008 7:01 PM
"It turns out Timmy's little drawing may be considered libel."
Posted by: reid savid | May 12, 2008 7:31 PM
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
Posted by: Glime | May 12, 2008 7:50 PM
"God I wish they would fix the air conditioning. My back is sweating so much I'm going to have to ask for a new chair"
Posted by: dead_elvis | May 12, 2008 7:58 PM
"Your hired Mr.Earless! Audiology needs you right away. Pardon me. Do you wear glasses?"
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | May 12, 2008 8:08 PM
"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this... with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."
Posted by: Glime | May 12, 2008 9:32 PM
The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.
Posted by: therblig | May 12, 2008 9:36 PM
Don't worry, the headless figures on my left are just for motivating the team.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | May 12, 2008 9:52 PM
"I'm telling you Fred, if this guy can even remotely whistle far and wee then I am looking at our queer balloonman."
Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | May 12, 2008 10:22 PM
I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
Posted by: will | May 12, 2008 10:22 PM
"I, too, really enjoy a French farce, but I wouldn't necessarily have included it on my resume'."
Posted by: Greg | May 12, 2008 10:33 PM
"Hey..say you're "green" and you got the job."
Posted by: Greg | May 12, 2008 10:36 PM
"Mr. Hiresomeonewhocan'ttakeyourjob says, "You are all we've been looking for and then some."
Posted by: Greg | May 12, 2008 10:40 PM
"There are some downsides: These cloud shaped rooms do tend to feel a bit claustrophobic, and a disgruntled former employee carved his name into all the desks. Still interested?"
Posted by: Dainers | May 12, 2008 11:54 PM
"Trust me kid, you'll never get work in a New Yorker cartoon looking like that."
Posted by: al in la | May 12, 2008 11:55 PM
I'll be happy to represent you. You have an excellent case. Your likeness is being used without your consent all over the internet.
Posted by: Ace | May 13, 2008 12:53 AM
You've got the ultimate supermodel body. Now we just need to get your face out there.
Posted by: Ace | May 13, 2008 12:58 AM
"I appreciate that you'd be willing to work through lunch every day, but I really don't think that's necessary."
"No, frankly it's your bizarre, spidery fingers that are REALLY freaking me out."
"Hell, my KID coulda hired THAT..."
Posted by: Leppo Softboy | May 13, 2008 1:16 AM
No, it's just that this is the first time the agency has faxed over the applicant.
Posted by: B'nai tha K | May 13, 2008 1:54 AM
"Uh-oh... what are you doing with your leg... mhmmm..."
Posted by: telemaciek | May 13, 2008 6:15 AM
"Naturally you'll be paid a stick figure salary."
Posted by: al in la | May 13, 2008 6:29 AM
"...and you realize if we do hire you to be Mr. Met, you'll need to put on a few pounds and paint red stitches on your head."
Posted by: al in la | May 13, 2008 6:37 AM
"And what's more, I can tell you're definitely a stickler for details."
Posted by: Hennie | May 13, 2008 6:42 AM
"Spaghetti, you crazy bastard, how the hell are you?"
Posted by: John | May 13, 2008 8:31 AM
"Sure! Business casual is fine around here."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | May 13, 2008 10:44 AM
"Who does your hair?"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | May 13, 2008 10:45 AM
"Your resume says you have a nose for news."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | May 13, 2008 10:47 AM
"...and as my assistant, it will be important that you don't try to overshadow me."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | May 13, 2008 10:49 AM
"Wow, they said you wouldn't be able to launch a new career in wind energy after all that time in electrical, but I gotta say, the makeover is perfect!"
Posted by: Vance | May 13, 2008 10:50 AM
"You're not wearing pants, are you?"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | May 13, 2008 10:50 AM
"Wire you here today?"
Posted by: LR | May 13, 2008 11:46 AM
"Boy am I relieved to find out you're not black."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | May 13, 2008 12:28 PM
"I don't care about the DNA evidence. What I care about is what they jury will say, and I'd bet anything on not guilty."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | May 13, 2008 12:32 PM
"This is how a laptop works. You open the top, and it has a screen built-in!"
Posted by: Jimby | May 13, 2008 1:12 PM
"So, this is what it's like to be in a storyboard for 'The Office.' Let me guess-- you must be the secretary? How can I tell? It's that subtle and secretive wry smile you're sharing directly with the camera that gives you away."
Posted by: Jimby | May 13, 2008 2:34 PM
"So, I have the results of your personality compatibility quiz from our dating service. And it says here that you would make a excellent match.... and that's it."
Posted by: Jimby | May 13, 2008 2:35 PM
"Sure, you're all smiles now. But I bet your wife would love to see the happy moves you're puttin' on this lady right here in this flipbook."
Posted by: Jimby | May 13, 2008 2:36 PM
(I'll use up my fifth to edit my last one ...)
"Sure, you're all smiles now. But I bet your wife won't be smilin' when she sees the happy moves you're puttin' on your lady friend in this flipbook."
Posted by: Jimby | May 13, 2008 2:49 PM
"I've called you in to let you know - and I'm surprised you haven't figured this out yourself - you've been downsized."
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 13, 2008 2:49 PM
" One might say you came out of Jacks wife's box! How do you feel about that? "
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | May 13, 2008 3:10 PM
"With a face like that, I'll bet you just bowl the women over!"
Posted by: Dave | May 13, 2008 3:11 PM
"I'll pencil you in for next Thursday at 9:30."
Posted by: Dave | May 13, 2008 3:12 PM
"I've decided not to hire you. Know why? Because you make me feel FAT!"
Posted by: Dave | May 13, 2008 3:14 PM
"I believe we could use you here at Walmart. Do you have any acting experience?"
Posted by: Dave | May 13, 2008 3:18 PM
"I warned you not to let all this fame go to your head."
Posted by: Dave | May 13, 2008 3:22 PM
"For a person with your physique that's quite a grip you've got on the table, Chief."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 13, 2008 4:10 PM
"So, what is that? SPF 300?
Posted by: Tim H | May 13, 2008 4:16 PM
"So far, so good. Now, one last task: Let's see if you can play that lyre at the end of my desk."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 13, 2008 4:21 PM
The posting clearly said "no fatties!"
Posted by: PLW | May 13, 2008 4:39 PM
So you spent the last six months as a back alley abortionist?
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | May 13, 2008 5:26 PM
"Wow! When you start a task you really stick to it. How did you figure it out?"
"You're fully qualified for the position, but the secretary is a recovering anorexic and you make her self-conscious."
"Dammit, you've got AIDS! Think you can stop smiling for just one freakin' minute?"
Posted by: MAtt | May 13, 2008 5:27 PM
For some strange reason I suspect that you aren't wearing any pants.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | May 13, 2008 5:29 PM
Lastly, do you have any skeletons in your closet that could be seen with the naked eye?
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | May 13, 2008 5:34 PM
"I'm sorry, I can't hire a secretary who doesn't have any tits. I'm not paying you to stare at your that stick you call a chest all day."
Posted by: sody pop | May 13, 2008 6:08 PM
damn typos. that last one should have read:
"I'm sorry, I can't hire a secretary who doesn't have any tits. I'm not paying you to stare at that stick you call a chest all day."
Posted by: sody pop | May 13, 2008 6:09 PM
"I guess we can skip the question about why you think you'd be a good Holocaust reenactor."
Posted by: sody pop | May 13, 2008 6:11 PM
"Your hands are remarkably thick for a stick figure. Do you masturbate a lot?"
Posted by: sody pop | May 13, 2008 6:12 PM
The dummy in place, Mr. Jeffries's Ferris Bueller fantasy was close to fruition. All he needed now was a teenaged girl and a developmentally-disabled best friend, and he knew just which correctional facility to kidnap them from.
Posted by: sody pop | May 13, 2008 6:17 PM
"Well, you've got absolutely no tits and, I'm guessing, no ass. I mean none. Remarkable. But I just can't argue with 15 years of experience."
Posted by: Dave | May 13, 2008 6:35 PM
"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."
Posted by: Glime | May 13, 2008 7:04 PM
"I know, Jerry, that you are as human as the rest of us, if not more so."
Posted by: Glime | May 13, 2008 7:08 PM
I admit it, this is a convincing plan to get this gigantic desk out of my office so that I can leave without climbing over it. You have an excellent sense of two-dimensional space.
Posted by: Charles | May 13, 2008 7:46 PM
"I can help but notice that for a thin guy, you have monstrously large knuckles."
Posted by: David | May 13, 2008 10:47 PM
Hubba hubba!
Posted by: Blake | May 14, 2008 12:59 AM
So it says here that you're a vegan...
Posted by: Blake | May 14, 2008 1:02 AM
Why yes, my desk size is a status symbol.
Posted by: Blake | May 14, 2008 1:05 AM
It seems that on your application form, you left your gender blank... would you mind standing up again, please?
Posted by: Blake | May 14, 2008 1:07 AM
"I'm really excited about this 'Personal Search' method you've patented. So you're just gonna dive right into this manuscript and find the word defenestrate, right?"
Posted by: Vance | May 14, 2008 2:06 AM
"So for the past ten years you've been a nude model for an elementary school art class?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | May 14, 2008 9:10 AM
"My last assistant quit because I farted so much, so the fact that you don't have a nose is a big plus. Pull my finger.... (lengthy pause). Still smiling blankly? That's great! Can you start tomorrow?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | May 14, 2008 9:14 AM
"Mr. Stick? Figures."
Posted by: Tiberius | May 14, 2008 10:30 AM
"Somehow I thought that my imaginary friend would be...I dunno...meatier."
Posted by: Tim H | May 14, 2008 1:28 PM
"To be frank, Frank, we're looking for someone with a little more substance."
Posted by: Dave | May 14, 2008 1:37 PM
"By the way, don't cross your legs; we have a very strict Fire Code around here."
Posted by: Kathy H | May 14, 2008 1:50 PM
"You've got it all: the short hair cut, small chest, pre-pubescent face. But our modeling agency does have weight policies. Could you lose 10 or so from your head?"
Posted by: Brian | May 14, 2008 2:23 PM
"I'm sorry. You don't have an outtie bellybutton. If you were black, we could hire you."
Posted by: Brian | May 14, 2008 2:27 PM
"Is your head lemon flavored?"
Posted by: Cynthia | May 14, 2008 2:49 PM
"You are correct. This isn't the first time someone has called me a fat ass."
Posted by: Tim H | May 14, 2008 3:13 PM
"Feel free to run your fingers over the surface of my desk. It's very shiny."
Posted by: Rubrick | May 14, 2008 4:16 PM
"'Close Encounters' is one of my favorite movies. Tell me, what's Richard Dreyfuss really like?"
Posted by: R.K. | May 14, 2008 4:16 PM
"Miss Welsch! Of course I am interested! Boom Stick-a Wah Wah... Stick-a Wah Wah!"
Posted by: Johnny V | May 14, 2008 6:56 PM
This reference says you're a dirty, rotten whore. Your hired!
Posted by: J. Brown | May 14, 2008 8:27 PM
This reference says you're a dirty, rotten whore. And we're always looking for fresh talent here at the Dirty Rotten Whore Group.
Posted by: J. Brown | May 14, 2008 8:38 PM
"...and I put down your turnoffs are 'helmet laws and mean people.' Okay Sheri--or should I say 'Miss July'?--let's get you down to make-up."
Posted by: al in la | May 14, 2008 8:47 PM
You got the job, buddy! You got the job!
Posted by: StDaedalus | May 15, 2008 1:01 AM
I used to draw you as a kid. Of course your genetalia was much larger. Much much much much much much much larger.
I've handled a similar client. Are you familiar with Ms. Flockhart's work? What? 1997 wants its joke back?
Posted by: Mo Buck | May 15, 2008 9:53 AM
Let me just say upfront, Mr. Snow, that I loved your work at the White House.
Posted by: therblig | May 15, 2008 10:10 AM
"You'll start in the mail room, but as you acquire more experience, internal organs, a face, you'll be considered for promotion."
"I see a lot of myself in you, kid. A rough outline, anyway."
Posted by: R.K. | May 15, 2008 1:29 PM
"Yes sir, I have my resume right here."
Posted by: Joshua | May 15, 2008 3:13 PM
"Honestly, you aren't the best-qualified applicant, but you are the only one who fits in the interview chair."
Posted by: Joshua | May 15, 2008 3:15 PM
(Oops, didn't see similar entry above.)
Posted by: Joshua | May 15, 2008 3:15 PM
Yeah my hair is real, but your circle looks like it was drawn by a retard.
Posted by: Ron Lopez | May 15, 2008 3:27 PM
If you think my eye is bulging, wait till I show you what I have between my hairy thighs.
Posted by: Ron Lopez | May 15, 2008 3:47 PM
The artist that drew me is being sued by the creator of the Simpsons, how about you?
Posted by: Mopar195 | May 15, 2008 4:31 PM
If I drew two dots and a mouth on that door knob and hit it with a hammer, I could become an abortion doctor.
Posted by: Mopar195 | May 15, 2008 4:38 PM
"When you freed that beautiful Genie from the bottle and she offered to grand you any wish, why did you ask to be her 'steady stick?' You should have just wished for 'a little head.'"
Posted by: al in la | May 15, 2008 6:08 PM
It's funny, but if I squint my eyes you look like an asshole with two dots and a mouth.
You know that doorknob to your left is actually the shrunken head of your uncle Bob, I just removed his eyes and mouth with my eraser penis.
So you're telling me that Charlie Brown's your Dad and Lucy's your Mom?
I think she was whoring with that bitch Snoopy, thats what I think.
Posted by: Mopar195 | May 15, 2008 10:35 PM
"I note, Mr. Tidy, that you have entered charges of $1,455.OO to cover meals while on the road in the past quarter ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | May 15, 2008 10:53 PM
You have Asperger's syndrome? I have Asperger's syndrome!
Posted by: Shawn | May 15, 2008 11:17 PM
The last guy was a paperclip. He'd spout the most useless information, then wink at you and slip away into the darkness. Creepy, very creepy.
Posted by: Shawn | May 15, 2008 11:25 PM
"And we'll give your recommendations their due weight, Stringfellow-- just as we always have."
Posted by: Von Go | May 15, 2008 11:29 PM
So all you know how to do is to whistle and lower prices? To be honest, we're really looking for someone with more practical skills -- typing, computer experience, short-order cooking -- that sort of thing.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | May 16, 2008 9:23 AM
"I see you've done a lot of day and evening wear modeling. What makes you think you'd be good for swimsuits?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | May 16, 2008 9:43 AM
Oh yes, do I have the perfect match for you. She's flat and thin just like you and her vagina smells like magic marker.
Posted by: Kings | May 16, 2008 10:29 AM
Yes mister Gray, the good new is we did find your natural birth parents. The bad news is they are both deceased and just small shavings of wood along with your brother and sister in my electric pencil sharpener.
Posted by: Kings | May 16, 2008 10:45 AM
"Regrettably, Mr. Noodle, while it is true that we mens' reach ought exceed our grasp, the hiring office has concluded that, with respect to any responsibility you might undertake with the firm, your reach must almost inevitably TOO far exceed any grasp you might reasonably be expected to have. ..... Thank you and good day."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2008 12:19 PM
"You seem to have a white face, but a black stick-body. I'm going to need to know more about your ethnic background before I can make my hiring decision, because I'm a racist."
Posted by: John Tabin | May 16, 2008 12:52 PM
"Frankly, Mr. Circum, we like our secretaries here to be 'mean, UNLEAN typing machines', if you catch my insinuation."
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | May 16, 2008 1:51 PM
How in the world did this balloon grow two arms? Note to self: Stop doing drugs around the children!
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | May 16, 2008 3:29 PM
[Homer Simpson voice]
Mmmm...innocent face on crudely drawn line.
Posted by: J. Brown | May 16, 2008 3:46 PM
"For the last time, Ms. Mansfield ! 'Teleporting' your individualized 'employee-logo' from The Hamptons like this hardly satisfies the company's requirement that you actually come downtown to the office at least once a week. ....You're fired !"
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2008 4:35 PM
"I like that your head is so lickable. You're going to go far here."
Posted by: Mike | May 16, 2008 7:39 PM
"Anorexia or bulemia?"
"So, have you ever seen that show 'Nip/Tuck?' Just wondering..."
Posted by: Mike | May 16, 2008 7:54 PM
"The family-mindedness which provokes you to request 'leave of absence' in support of your sister's 'breast-enhancement procedure' is very admirable, I am sure. Unfortunately, under the most recent Labor Law Codicil, such leaves may only be granted for that procedure in the case of female spouses or daughters living under the same roof. ....Request denied ! Get back to work !"
Posted by: Sam L. | May 16, 2008 8:37 PM
"The documents simply state that you're happy with your stay here at Camp X-Ray, you weren't tortured or brainwashed, and you weighed 21 pounds when you arrived here. Just write, 'Life to America,' on the dotted line, and we'll have you back in Karbala within 24 hours."
Posted by: Joshua | May 16, 2008 11:58 PM
"When I speak of 'reps', Mr. Lolly, I refer to 'cred'--more specifically, to 'street cred', and not to the number of consecutive bar-bell lifts you may, or may not, be capable of making ! Afterall, we will be expecting any new hires to take on some pretty tough routes at first."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 17, 2008 12:02 AM
"That would be me. I'm the guy you have to blow to get a job around here."
Posted by: Joshua | May 17, 2008 12:04 AM
Mr. Figure,..about this company dress code policy..
Posted by: Luis | May 17, 2008 12:50 AM
“Let’s see how happy you are when your heart gives out from anorexia.”
Posted by: Bou Galoux | May 17, 2008 9:19 AM
"We're looking for someone who will stick stick stick stick, par par pardon my stut stut stutter, with us for at least two two years."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 17, 2008 6:56 PM
"I'm sorry, but I won't be able to do plastic surgery on you."
Posted by: Brian L | May 17, 2008 8:25 PM
"Actually, I'm the one who's nervous. I know you can't see it, but I have sweat running all down my back, past my ass and my thighs. It's actually pretty disgusting."
"So right before the beach bully kicks sand into your face, you say 'I used to be a two dimensional weakling'. Later it shows you holding up the enhancement supplements--wait, no, that's when you get replaced by Jose Canseco."
"Come back when you lose some weight. We don't let just any fatty anchor Entertainment Tonight."
"If the unbecoming crimson hue of my nose didn't tip you off, I'm just gonna come out and say I'm pretty fucking hammered right now."
Posted by: NecroDew | May 17, 2008 9:13 PM
Initial interview with original "Smiley" model, c. 1963 (Ball Archives)
Posted by: David F | May 18, 2008 12:59 AM
Am I supposed to be impressed that you were drawn by the "Van Gogh" of the retarted class at your High School?
Because if you think I should be, I'm actually really not.
Posted by: Kings | May 18, 2008 6:30 AM
"Those.. ohh... long legs and .... ohhmm ... feet will come ... mmmm ... in really hhh handy working for me."
Posted by: NJtoTX | May 18, 2008 8:47 AM
"Is THIS anyway we can propose to denote calorie-conscious items for the American consumer ?! This..this.. "Thin'ma'bob', N'er Pants" ? Really ! Next laser-projection, P-U-L-E-E-Z-E !"
Posted by: Von Go | May 18, 2008 5:51 PM
Gram. Correction -- "Is THIS any way we can propose to denote calorie-conscious items for the American consumer ?! This..this..'Thin'ma'bob, N'er Pants' ? Really ! Next laser-projection, P-U-L-E-E-Z-E !"
Posted by: Von Go | May 18, 2008 6:21 PM
"Don't worry Mr. Stick, they'll never choose this caption. The editors here can barely read, let alone get to the bottom of the submissions pile!"
Posted by: Glenn W | May 19, 2008 6:21 AM
3===つ O-:
Posted by: Ernest | May 19, 2008 6:49 AM