May 5, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #145

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Me like picture of jewish man! Me put it up on wall!" — Jimby

"Gloria, we just have to put the past behind us. We were too young to be parents; we were only kids! We can't let an abortion prey on us like this." — kejo

"And the best part is, her stupid, monster boyfriend has no idea!" —Charles

Honorable mention
"Yep. She's naked again." —Kathy H

"No, I don't know why Willem Dafoe is scaling my building. No, I don't think it's a movie shoot -- he's not wearing any make-up." —J.D.

"Hello, Feed the Children? Hey, I need some more - he's still hungry." —therblig

Posted by Daniel Radosh


“Ms. Arbus? Please come right away to 86th and Park. Yes, it’s an emergency.”

“Could you hold a minute please? I think my gargoyle wants to come inside.”

You know what the fortune in my cookie said? "You will be forcibly sodomized by a twelve-foot tall golem." Isn't that strange? I mean, it was a Nilla Wafer!

"Right. So, if I see something, I'll say something."

"Yep. She's naked again."

TURD-MONSTER: Yevgeny! Five years ago you flushed me down a toilet in Chernobyl. I have changed, Yevgeny. I have grown. I want to go home!

And the best part is, her stupid, monster boyfriend has no idea!

311? Does cabernet do anything to the savage beast? My iPod charger is missing and I'm in a bind here.

"Yes, it's about my neighbor in 15G again. Well, it's not the noise I object to so much as the nudity."

"Can you send up some more wine, please?"

"He seems to be upset because the brick are rather abrasive on his genitals."

"bricks" not "brick"

"Sorry...He just left."

"That is the most grotesque thing I have ever seen...red wine with fish?!?"

[sings] "Cooombin' my sideburns;
Nothin' much to do, just-a having some muuur-lot and (un hunh)
Combin' my sideburns
Nothin' to worry about, just-a
Combin' my sideburns
And thinkin' of your

Yeah it's awful, everyone down below is yelling "jump", "how much square footage?" and "who's your broker?"...but I'm trying to help it, you know. "You can refinance" I said...

No, this is CLoverfield 8-9416.

Gloria, we just have to put the past behind us. We were too young to be parents; we were only kids! We can't let an abortion prey on us like this.

"Nope, didn't work - he won't come in for burgundy either. What should I try next?"

It's strange - the thing has these fat fingers, so he doesn't really have a handhold on anything, there is no ledge and I don't see how something like that would have evolved setae. I'll bet if I poke it with a stick it falls right off. You have the camera running, right?

"Hello? Yes, uh, I'd like to report a lost dog. Breed? Well, actually, um, not so much a dog exactly... more of a horrific mutated Spiderman/Thing/TooMuchCoffeeMan hybrid. Yes, I'll hold."

"Y'know, I really expected nuclear winter to be worse than this. I mean, yeah, the sky is pitch black and all, but at least there's no horrific mutated humanoids roaming the planet, waiting to strike at the most ironic moment, y'know?"

"The Gumbies here are bah-ROO-tal!"

"The Hulk re-do is trying to get in viral marketing. No, it doesn't look any better than the last one."

"First of all, it's not a ghost, it's a humanoid sludge monster. Secondly, it won't be at my window for another three seconds now so I *haven't* seen it yet. Thirdly, we're on the phone, so you have no idea what I look like. And D, that line's a fucking cliche anyway."

"Hey, Cheese stripper agency? Your girl climbed out the window, and she's a little strong for my taste."

"Yeah, I thought he was gonna come right in my window, but I think he's climbing up to the one on the next floor, which for some inexplicable reason is much wider than mine."

"Hello, Sylvia Fay Casting? Send over a beauty to kill a beast."

"Atlas be shruggin'."

"Henry Mitchell here... No Dennis isn't here right now... he's playing with Bruce Banner's son next door."

"Honest, dear. I destroyed the creature. Now come on over and enjoy the fire I lit in the fireplace and some fine wine."

"Hey Bob...(God, I hate these answering machines but this is important.) Don't drink the radioactive wine I left at your apartment by mistake."

"My vote is to call him 'Logman'. 'Shit-man' is good but it will never be used in any articles in the Daily Planet."

"I'm sorry Clark. The Kryptonite was just a joke. Let me in, please!"

"Yeah, I woulda thought a whole snifter of LSD woulda done something by now, but...oh, hold on a second -- here it comes..."

"You know how monkeys are with their shit -- so, then King Kong just flung it right at my building."

"I'm telling you I don't see anything yet. C'mon, I think if there were a 9-foot-tall walking shit in my neighborhood, I'd be able to see SOMETHING by now..."

"Honey? I'm afraid I won't be able to make it over for dinner tonight. I'm pretty sure a big monster is about to eat me, and that I'm going to die."

"All right, Grolk, if we can't be interspecies lovers then I'm going to jump, and you can't stop me! ... Oh, that's right, I forgot."

"Actually, Prague has been a something of a disappointment."

"Monster Sushi? You left something out of my delivery again."

"... and then writes 'Bliss' on the side of the building and then scowls for a minute and goes to the next building. ... No, I wouldn't worry either. Just wanted to let you know."

"So anyway, I pulled my arm out of the monster's mouth and his dentures came with it! I'm keeping them in a jar by my bed. Trust me, that's the last time we'll be seeing that toothless fucker."

"I can't believe I left my keys and mobile phone in the flat again. Dan will be so pissed. I bet he's been calling me all day. I'm nearly there anyway."

"I really think your little fish problem can wait until our next session."

I already asked him if he was an ironic metaphor for some aspect of urban life, but all he said was "aaaaaargh!". Hmmm, a metaphor for software and mp3 piracy? Hold on, let me ask him.

"Hello, 911? The vice president has gotten out again."

"Sweetie, I know it's hard to talk when the monster's squeezing you so hard, but you'll have to speak up."

"How 'bout them Mets?!"

"Hello? Crisis Line? Longtime listener, first-time caller..."

"You say terror I say terroir.You say flee I say Cote de Nuits"

"Hi, I just checked into the Glory Hole Hotel. What did you say was so special about this place?"

"Hello, Paul Reiser speaking."


"Hey, Al-- remember that comment I made that that air vent on the side of the building looked kind of like a giant pussy...?"

Me like picture of jewish man! Me put it up on wall!

"I love my new window. I hope the outside of it doesn't get smeared by a giant handprint."

Silence. Golems can't talk, and we can't hear the man behind the glass.

"I think the smartest thing our co-op board ever did was to remove the ledges on the outside of the building, to keep monsters from climbing on it."

"I distinctly said I did NOT want the invisible ledge. Next thing you know some monster will use it to leave his apartment!"

"You think I am 'shit-faced'?!?.. look out your window and check out what's on my building!"

"This is Bob in 411... There's a weird scratching noise coming from one of my walls... I may have a rodent. infestation-

"Hey, Mary, wanna see a superdelegate close up?"

"Yes, Police department?!? I know who spray painted the word 'BLISS' on the outside of my highrise."

"For the last time Rabbi Lowenstein, circumcision is a brutal, superstitious ritual and there's nothing you could do to change our minds."

"If I weren't so drunk I'd make a joke about my imminent death by an escaped Macy's parade balloon. As it is I'm just going to suggest such a joke could be made. Aaaargh."

"Currants, cherry, oak and strangely a hint of clay."

"I'm just going to yell 'Who needs a hug?' and let the chips fall where they may."

Hello, escort service? I thought I made it clear I wanted a "curvy blond girl," not a "Kirby monster."

"You got it nearly right - flat head to set my glass on, check - no teeth, check - but you made it so tall that it needs to bend down to..."

"No, I'm positive its stretcher bond, not Flemish bond."

"I can't believe it either! Four fingers and a thumb, but only three toes?!?"

"Bas relief, my ass!"

"Don't worry, it's his developmentally challenged brother, Tard Kong. He just likes to hump the air conditioning units."

"I told him my motto. When life gives you architraves, make lintel soup."

Hello, Disney? Are you filming a sequel to Monsters Inc in New York right now? Because if you're not, I'm totally fucked.

"Wait!, Bruce! I just saw the biggest dick go by the window and I absolutely have to suck it!"

Hello, Gary? Remember when you were at the apartment and you noticed what you thought was a huge, sausage-like fungus growing through the dryer vent? And remember how you said it was like the punching bag at the gym, and how you stared pummeling it furiously? Well, I found this wonderful wine called "Furious Pummeling Fungus"! It's from Australia. Barossa Valley, I believe.

Hello? Hello? Hello? Fucking cell phones.

Hello, Dr. Farnsworth? Yes, I think I'll be ready to talk about my shy bladder problem in group tonight. See ya then. Goodbye, doctor.

"Big shit, I have no eyes and it has no mouth... yeah...it probably does have a big shit."

"All in all it's justa
nother brick in the wall"

"Hello, Wine Enthusiast? Yes, what kind of wine goes with horrifying, painful, sadistic death?"

"Police? There's a cartoon character here with 5 fingers on each hand. No, it's not a Simpsons joke, it's for real this time."

Hello, is this GIANT TURDS THAT SOMEHOW SCALE LEDGELESS BUILDINGS 'R US? It is? Well one of your stock is doing his thing right outside my window. Either get over here and remove it or I'm calling the Police!

"I did what any New Yorker would do, I slammmed the window down on his fingers and poured myself a glass of wine...I'm sure he's miles away by now."

"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. The number of the Beast is 666."

"No, I don't know why Willem Dafoe is scaling my building. No, I don't think it's a movie shoot -- he's not wearing any make-up."

"God has been kind to me...oh wait...what's that...ARRRRRRGH."

"Hold on just a sec, I can't hear you--something's outside going 'RAHRRRRRRRRRRR'."

Well, I didn't realize how literal-minded genies are. So yes, the Cubs finally got their shit together. And I now have an 18-inch rooster that I'm able to suck.

I'm gonna need the biggest plunger you've got . . . No, that's too big . . .

Don't worry about me. This prescient sense of doom will pass although I can practically smell it and taste it.

Golum Heights, the cartoon.

"Hello, this is Thomas Andrew Winchler speaking. Oh, hi T.A. Sorry, I just needed to have a drink after that brutal meeting with corporate. I'll be back in the office in an hour. I promise."

Golem Heights, the cartoon

(pretending to talk on cell phone) ...Yes, of course...Well, in the meeting yesterday, the point was advanced that... (to monster outside of window) Alicia! It's okay! My wife just walked out the door!

Hello, "Feed the Children"? Hey, I need some more - he's still hungry.

“Anyway, I come home early and find Pamela naked and perspiring, annnnd I check under the bed plus the closet. Nothing!”

"Hello, Ghostbusters? Stay Puft's back and this time he's really naked."

“I’d like to report a brick shithouse climbing up the side of a brick shithouse.”

Mother, you sound like a crazy person. God is not going to punish me because I am gay.

Ooh, I'm so scared, there's a giant monster outside my bedroom window! All I can say is thank god I upgraded to one-way glass. I can't tell you how many times I've polished the old bayonet with my curtains wide open.

And I'm telling you, Young Frankenstein is OFF-Broadway!

I'm NOT a magician, I'm a mentalist.

"Sure, never's good for me. I'm about to die anyway."

"I said he had a sperm whale-like head. What did you think I said?"

"9-11? No, my building is being attacked by terrorists today."

"He snagged himself pretty badly on the tuckpointing. He may be mortarly wounded."

"she's realy pissed i wont let her give me a blow job but i'm not that well endowed".

“I tried spraying it with Raid, but that shit never really works unless you douse the motherfucker.”

"Hi, does Carlos have any openings tomorrow? I've gone all cartoonish and I need a full body rendering and shading to match my surroundings...yeah--the works."

"Who is Peter Boyle?"

"Wait, are we playing "Dead or Gay," "Good News, Bad News," or "Jeopardy" ? What'd you say? All three? I don't get it."

"Christ, now that horrible thing's in my apartment drinking my wine!"

"Really, a national monster registry? I had no idea. Wait, in my building?"

I'm pretty sure the forecast was for cooler weather with only a 30 percent chance of mutants.

"Of course I know there's the monster's coming. He's on Twitter."

"Can you hear me now?"

"Hey, Marvel? It's Stan Lee. I've got another idea I'm not gonna give Jack Kirby any credit for."

"It's some promotion for that new Pixar movie. Yeah, I saw him in the elevator about ten minutes ago, costume and all. Base jumping... Man, that takes some cojones. From what I've heard, if you don't clear the building by at least 10 feet, you are
destined to be sidewalk-splatter."

And monster HUNG too! But my wife spooked him when she walked in the door.

"Police? Some fucking cartoonist sprayed his name on the bricks above my window."

"Hello, Oenophilic Monthly

? Hold the cover!"

"Hello, Big 'n' Tall Shop? Do you have a Massive 'n' Ugly Department?"

"Hey! Get off the fucking phone and open the window! I'm losin' my grip here!"

"The gargoyle on the northwest roof corner? It may look impressive from the ground, but when you get up close it's terribly disproportionate and ugly. And down there in the groin?- think thimble.

"Yeah, he just butt fucked evrolet girl and he's humping my building."

"I hear Ang Lee's new movie is about gay troglodytes."

"He says he was working a crane at the construction site across the street and somehow ended up here."

"Bruce, it looks like if he makes it over to my window sill, I can suck his gigantic green cock."

"Don't jump. You have so much to live for."

Wow, Karl Rove has really let himself go! But it seems he's finally decided to do the honorable thing and become a shit stain on the sidewalk rather than a shit stain on the national consciousness.

"Oh yeah, Banner? I bet I wouldn't like you even if you didn't get angry!... and if you got a problem with me you know where I live!... hello... HELLO? The wussy hung up!"

"Marco..." "POEWOE..." "Marcooo..." "POEWOE..."

"I know, I know. I mean 800k for a two bedroom on the upper East Side? I'm still, like, 'What's the catch?'"

“Guess what bonds to brick with a little Gorilla Glue?”

"Yes, my refrigerator is running. Why do you as—HOLY SHIT A MONSTER!"

"This party blows. I bet nothing could make it worse."

"When I get too drunk, I like to hold my hand to my ear and talk to myself. Sometimes start hallucinating. How about you, eraser man?"

"There's Adam Clymer -- major league asshole."

That mouth reminds me of my enormous cock.

Yes honey, I'm sure he misses you too. What? No, he's out on the invisible balcony. Hold on a sec I'll put him on.

"I dunno. Suction cups, ya think?"

"Hello, Silly Putty Corporation? Can I order another couple of tons? Tonight I just thought up a hilarious new hobby!"

"YAAARG! No toeholds or fingerholds! Urgo sliding down side of building, sliding down side of building, sliding down side of building -- oh, look, wine!"

"He says he's a monster but I say he's a mons pubis if he still drinks that Merlot crap."

"Yes, three-toed, that's right....and stocky-- put that."

"OK, false alarm. He was looking for Kavalier and Clay's place. So you were saying ... ?"

" 'Sexual Offender Hotline' ? .... You don't say ?!.. Why, of course, we'll be careful, miss. Thanks !....Oh, hey, and look, you too, O.K. ?"

"Oh, come on, honey ! It's in the new DAKOTA TOWERS that we're leasing.... See you Saturday ?"

"...o.k, look, if I just have to say, he kind of put me in mind of Barry Bonds, Officer Cletus.... Now do that give you any leads, Officer C-L-E-T-U-S ?"

"A less hysterical tone would be helpful, for starters, 'au pair' Du Bois ! .... Now, did you say KONG, or did you say HUNG, perhaps; KONG or HUNG ? ....Ssshhhh, ssshhhh, calm yourself, child ! Calmez-vous ! 'Peut-etre' some of theeees fruity Pinot Noir, child ?"

"Look here, Trump ! It's been up there since last Macy's Parade-- and I'm getting damned sick and tired of these excuses of yours ! $10,OOO per month--and here our poor little Petunia nightmares every night !"

"Debra, yes I can see your new curtains. What? You see a huge muscley monster? Is my fly down again?"

"Yes Colonel, I understand that this thing is a public danger but my orchids are under stress so could you do me a huge favor and aim your depleted uranium munitions towards my neighbour's window."

"I mean to tell you ! Hey, look!--this new kid they brought in is a linebacker from Hell ! .... Eli will positively STAY on the field !"

"All these captions people wrote about us really suck. What's the weather like there?"

“Then I asked her if it had two feet and she said, 'At least.’”

"Where's it all headed, Barry ? Yankee Stadium ? Going ! Isiah ? Going ! Spitzer ? Gone !.... It's 'bad Karma' somewhere, I tell you !"

"If your son didn't want to get eaten by monsters, why was he even working as a window washer?"

"Yes, yes, of course, Commissioner ! I am fully aware of the fact that Poe once boarded on this site ! I realize, too, that the condition of my poor wife's eviscerated and decapitated remains strongly resembles that of the victims of his 'Rue Morgue' ! Nevertheless, I will tell you now that this particular atrocity could not possibly have been perpetrated by an intruder, as in Poe's 'confection', our recent installation here of 'Seal-O-Fast Thermal Windowing' entirely precluding all chance of that !.... So, well !.. Perhaps a glass or two of my 'red' may induce, Commissioner ? Parisian, to be sure !.... Oh, and Commissioner, your 'salts', if you will."

"Are you delivering during the apocalypse? Great. Can we get the General Tao's chicken and some moo goo gai pan?"

"She shaved her head again, and now she's out on the ledge. For Christ's sake, if Britney doesn't get her shit together, she'll never get her kids back!"

"No wonder it's so cheap to live in Monster Heights."

Mr. Bliss, you omitted my eyeballs again.

REALLY?! A mud golem on MY building, say you? Well, I'll believe that when I...HOLY SHIT, I HAVE NO EYES!!!!

"...Not yet. I'm still waiting for the rufie to kick in...What? No, I don't know what 'horror movie-style retribution' looks like."

"No, he's not trying to be angry or hurtful. He's just, uh, uh, a typical monster."

"I'm voting for Hilary...No, I'm not saying that because she's lurking outside my window."

that last one was me.

"I mean to tell you ! Man, oh man ! This new guy the Giants brought in is one HELLACIOUS linebacker. Eli gonna positively camp OUT out there !" -(Worser than previous wording )

"Really, hon. You just put your wine glass under the hole in the wall and it comes right out."

God you people are pathetically unfunny. Have you no shame?

No doctor, it's the smell of burnt marshmallows alright, but there's something ominous about it, like all the sins of my childhood boy-scout campfires were about to return and demand retribution!

So, according to the AP, Senator Obama's support among working, hard-working Monsters, white or greyish Monster-Americans, is weakening again, and Monsters in both states who had not completed college were supporting Hillary? Hey! You out there. What do you think? And before you answer, this is for Zogby.

"Yeah, you right ! One simply can't begin to know how ugly your every day OLMEC must have been, Professor Hudnutt , to have sculpturally represented his gods so hideously ! For the love of Jesus, those--like--frigin' football helmets they wore !....Bronco Nagurski era, to be sure. Ha! Ha! Ha! "

“I know what I saw, but Nora isn’t swallowing a three inch long penis.”

"After humping the bricks for a couple minutes, the penis busted through the building...and...and...it's searching for me! It's 30 feet long and serpentine...it's adjustable and telescopic. Jesus, I was planning my coming out to be a much more quiet, measured affair."

("Thank you for casting your vote for... David Archuleta")

"Hello?...What's that?...You say a hideous mutant is trying to find me? Good luck! Others have tried...and remember I don't even wear that stupid striped hat anymore."

"I just had the craziest white zinfandel induced dream."

"Don't ask me why but I'm greenlighting Shitman."

"Calm down, you're going to be fine. I'm opening the window now."

"Say, honey, remember last week when we were making fun of that retarded kid eating radioactive monkey shit at the zoo? Yeah, well, what was the name of that wine store we stopped at after...I've got to get another bottle of this fabulous cab."

" 'Superglue' ?! 'Superglue' ?! You know what, you frigin' TIMES snobs can carry that simpering motto : '...fit to print' , way too far sometimes ! 'Som'bitch' is humping side of the building out there ! Yeah ! Not but ONE thing holding it up, buddy ! O.K.,O.K., if you prissy snobs down there so hoity-toity and fine you got to cover-up and 'spin' every last thing it was a prom-- claim 'SUPERGLUE'-- hell wit' you ! DAILY NEWS will be happy to run .....yeah, well you know where you can shove it, 'pansy' ! Fuck off !"

Oh god, it's my bitch ex-wife. I knew she would hit the skids after I dumped her ass.

"I'd say 85% chance of rain, 35% chance I'll get blown by the Michelin guy's sister..."

"Oh my god, there's a giant woman terrorizing factories over there!"

"I have good feeling about this..."

Must remeber to take one step back the next time Zorg asks for volunteers for planatary exploration.

"You Art Bell types are so paranoid"

"You have got to try colonic irrigation! You won't believe what came out of me!"

I'm just a non-animated cartoon. No one cares if I live or die.

I've been lucky all my life. To wit, I have a beautiful wife and kids and an amazing job. I live in most expensive condominium in the city and drink the finest wine. And to top it off, I'm good friends with the monster outside my window.

While you were away in Africa filming for the Discovery Channel I met someone else.

"Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Oh, fuck—this is so annoying!"

Unconcerned with the constraints of gravity, the great and mighty Neferton-III goes out to adjust his collection of representational outdoor paintings, which weren't hanging straight. There, that's lovely.

"There's something crawling on the building that definitely isn't Clayface, a registered trademark of DC Comics. We need a superhero that The New Yorker owns the rights to -- do you think the dog from 'On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog' would be credible as a crimefighter?"

"Maybe the dingo took our baby!"

"So I ask her why she has all this orange cream all over her face, and she just starts crying hysterically, runs into the bathroom, and locks the door. Geez, you'd think she got raped by an alien or something."

Then I called her Marshmallow Head and she walked out on the ledge but there is no ledge and I'm almost out of Merlot. When you send the ambulance, could you bring some Merlot?

I heard Banksy was in town.

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