March 31, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #140

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"They're called Conestoga wagons because--uh-oh, air raid." —TGGibbon

"Well, look a-yonder! Seems the ingins got em'selves an event planner." —al in la

"We could've made the Def Leppard concert up ahead, if you hadn't slowed us down with all your 'proper burial' bullshit." —David John

Honorable mention
"Yee-ha! Them there's the lights of Los Angeles, porn capital of the world. It's just like Horace Greeley said: 'Go west, hung man!' Or was it 'Go breast, hung man'? That seems like the kind of crappy pun that Horace would make." —Francis

"How the hell are we supposed to film our Wild West movie, which takes place in the 1800s, when the spotlights from various Hollywood parties are clearly visible in the background?" —John Tabin

"There's Goldwyn. In them thar hills." —Walt

Posted by Daniel Radosh



"Hey, Ma, you asked me to wake you up when we got to Sodom!!"

Hey, nice place for a whorehouse...

Chuckie Goes West

So far this is going well. I guess Donner knows what he's doing.

Looks like giants having a spirited conversation out of frame.

We'll be able to get materials for our cabin at the new Ikea that just opened up there over the ridge.

“Hooo-doggies! We made it in time for the Grand Opening!”

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquariuuuuus! Aquarrrriuuuuus! Aquarrrriuuuuuus.

We're not going to make it through those giant chopsticks. Wake the kids and tell them that we love them.

"Welcome to Ugly-town. Population: Us."

"Ghost Riders in the Sky... hey, that's us!"

"What I love about heaven is that you can live out any fantasy you want for the rest of eternity... except, of course, that it has to take place on clouds."

"Uh oh... we thought those flaming arrows from the Sioux were bad... looks like the Zunis have those new super-powered wide-beam lasers. Dang it."

"Oooh! Let's hope it's a car dealership!"

"Oh no! Spotlights! The American West must have already been settled!"

"Vegas, baby, Vegas! Get it? Like in that movie? Nevermind."

"How the hell are we supposed to film our Wild West movie, which takes place in the 1800s, when the spotlights from various Hollywood parties are clearly visible in the background?"

"Oh no, the three stagecoaches in front of us have clearly come unhitched from their horses! Odd, then, that they would still be so evenly spaced."

"They said I'd never amount to anymore than a stupid rodeo clown. Well, now look at me!"

"Check it out! I can the Smithum woman gettin' it on with a cucumber in the back the wagon. Mmm mmm, I'm having me some of that salad to-night!"

"This here must be Colon Pass, yonder are the fiber optics."

"Maybe if we follow those lights, we'll find the clitoris!"

"Holly Wooooood!"

"I don't know how my acting instructor got it wrong... I just said, 'Put me on the Stage, Coach!'"

"Yeee-Doggies! White skies at night... Too much peyote, all right!"

"Get a move on, you ol' nag.... What?... No, why would I talk to the horses?!? So... are you gonna get a move on?"

"Git out yer banjo, Pa, and play the five tones."

Ding-dang, I'll be dipped in dog shit! If it aitn't the Big City over yonder hills. Boy, I can't wait to get myself a crack whore pimp our wagon.

"Jared's people are signalling that he's off his diet, and conveying his shipments of giant pork chops is gonna make us rich, Ellie."

"Yee-ha! Them there's the lights of Los Angeles, porn capital of the world. It's just like Horace Greeley said: 'Go west, hung man!' Or was it 'Go breast, hung man'? That seems like the kind of crappy pun that Horace would make."

"Enjoy it now, my friends, for when we get to Utah, acid will be off-limits."

Well, this is anachronistic as hell.

"Goddammit! I knew Gabby Hayes was trying to tell us somethin'!

"I dunno. That little shack back in Monument Valley is starting look mighty nice just about now."

"Let's get a move on! We're almost late for the "Anachronistic Film Festival !!"

"They're called Conestoga wagons because--uh-oh, air raid."

"I'm Country/Western Tony Blair, motherfuckers!"

"Hey, Ma! Hand me up my sarsaparilla. I ain't never seen the Aurora Borealis before!"

You're sure I'm getting paid for drawing this? Man, I'm a jackass!

"...the COLOURS!!!"

"Well, dern, Sadie ! Tell -- whatzis, Brigham ? -- tell Brigham you 's busted it riding Dobbin a piece !"

"Well, I'll be. They're startin' my LASIK surgery wit'out me!"

"[Man, singing to self] When my get up and go has got up and went, I hanker for a hunk of cheese. Do you believe this traffic, Martha?"

"Get the wax out your ears, Ellen ! I said 'DONOR PARTY' , not no 'Donner Party' ! .... Not exactly donating, tho' ! 'Morms' paying us good for you bitchs ! ..... Wow, is that anxious, or what ?!"

"warning: artist on crack."

"remember when you hit me on the head with a 2x4? Deja Vu."

Filthy Hollywood COCKSUCKAAAS!

"Even the damned carpool lane is backed up."

“If you didn’t have to have sex every half hour, Clara, we mighta got here a little SOONER!”

"Well, danged if I ain't an insane looking marionette being controlled by a blonde in a polka dot dress riding in a wagon train pulled by blind horses inside the mouth of a giant beast with very crooked fangs."

"Fetch my shotgun, ma. The dang horse has gone lame!"

"I am dressed like this because it's my 'Howdy' duty!"

"Ma... is it the peyote or do thes mountains look like
lasagna noodles?!?"

"DANG... the deer and the antelopes are playing with the spotlights again!"

“...not to be confused with grande opening, a geological formation, or your vaginal opening, which, of course, is grand.”

"We took a wrong turn back at Kansas City and ended up at London during the Blitz."

"Oh, Susannah, don't you cry... I come from Alabama... and this ain't no banjo and that ain't my knee!"

"Appaloosa-halloosa-nation...Dang, peyo-tee-yip-e yi-yay!

“On, Vomit! On, Stupid! On, Goner and Shits-on!”

I told ya, this is a covered REO Speedwagon. Don't rightly know what the difference is, but I reckon it explains the hallucinations.

"Since Heath Ledger died, Hollywood's got to be looking for someone new to play the Joker, and I've got the perfect face for it."

Huh, I guess those Indians killed all of us after all.

There's Goldwyn. In them thar hills.

How's about a little trail head?

We lost the race, but you'll win for biggest bonnet.

Did you know that Tom Cruise is gay?

We FINALY get to see Star Wars Episode 3!!

I'm so excited! I think I have a boner!!

"I don't know where the CAMERA and the ACTION are. But I think I just found the LIGHTS!"

“I told you New York City was in the other fucking direction!”

I am thrilled my enormous white triangles! I knew it was worth enduring all those cases of tuberculosis!

"We're fucking late again."

"Well, look a-yonder! Seems the ingins got em'selves an event planner."

There must be gays in them there hills. HELLO FRISCO!

[Note to Gary G.: It's "dem thar" hills, you cultural imperialist.]

California here I come right back where I started from...hey that makes no sense at all.

Finally a land where I can take a comfortable shit. HI-YO SILVER!

[Note to Gary G.: It's a comfortable "bowel movement," you cultural slimebag.]

"Hollywood! Sasheen Littlefeather, here we come!"

Finally a land where I can take a comfortable bowel movement. HI-YO SILVER!

"As they rounded the final hill Bobo was frightened to see the bright lights of a circus. With the road back cut off, all he could do was hope news had not yet reached of the revenge massacre."

We are trying to go straight ahead.

Death Valley ain't been the same since the Chamber of Commerce installed them lighthouses.

Thank God, it's a brand new Wal-Mart!

"Those lights up ahead must be the Mormons signaling that they're welcoming us to Mountain Meadows."

Say what you will about the graphics, but nothing beats the original Oregon Trail.

I really wanted to try riding the horse even though it ain't got no saddle or nothin' but the woman said that won't work what with my testicles possibly gettin' ruptured and kids supposed to be in our future. Tell ya the truth, that's why I got the idea in the first place. Golly, I hate the rascals.

Charlie! That's right, you, the white horse with the irregularly shaped grayish spots! I done told you again that the only creatures that hold their leg like that are pointer dogs and homosexuals, and last time I checked you haven't pointed at much lately.

Worst case scenario, we run into that stage robber. And then I'm gonna say, "Shit."

"Fuck PETA."

"We finally made it, Ginny - Easter Island! Look, there are four of those mysteriously carved heads in blackest ebony! Neat!"

"I figure, when they start usein' TWO pairs of tweezers to pluck ya out it's time to move on to another patch of pubes."

"According to the map, we been through Area 49, we're in Area 50, and that there up ahead is . . ."

"Them lights in the sky? I gotta tell ya, the aurora bores me, Alice."

"We've gotta get to town early for a good seat at tomorrow's lynchin'."

"I can't believe that someone greenlighted a wild west Speed Racer prequel."

How New Yorkers see the rest of the country

The Indians are sending up strange smoke signals. Let's slaughter them and take over their land. 150 years from now our decendants can pay reparations by losing money at Indian casinos. But right now, cook me up a mess of beans and bacon, woman.

"Now, I know that there's a broken heart for every light on Broadway. But what the hell do you make of this ?!"

"Hey, Ma, put on the Emerson, Lake & Palmer 'cause up yonder is the show that never ends!!"

"Man alive! Those daguerreotypes jes' don't do this place justice!"

"Traffic is a bitch since them Indians got casinos."

"Ma, I'm thinkin' about startin' me a band. Gonna call it the Insane Clown Posse. Catchy, huh?"

When we first thought about leaving Russia and emigrating to Israel it seemed so wonderful. Now... not so much.

God, does this trail never end??? It's so dark and depressing. And my 'rhoids are acting up. It's like some crazy, badly lit dream.

"I'm having an out-of-body experience with Ward Bond."

Maggie: You can drop me off just past those white spaces in the drawing up ahead.
Fergus: I'll miss having the company of your fine conversation and the delight of your gourmet cuisine, Maggie.
Maggie: I'll be better off leaving this cartoon to someone else, some other girl who can stand Mr. Wilson's skewed view of reality. But I do wish you the best, Fergus.
[soft whimperings of regret and loss from Fergus' side of the Conestoga]

Well, I'll be an April Fool! "X" really does mark the spot! The spot of what, who the hell knows! But there it is! It's really marking a spot!

Virgil, do you think we done fell into one of them "Black Holes" that Stephen Hawkin' is always squawkin' about? Jes' look at all that light bein' swallowed up ahaid. I tell ya, I don't feel the least bit a good about this at all. Not one lil' bit.

On the 2nd to the last lap of the Conestoga 500, Cletus finally makes an aggressive move to the inside...



"I hope we're almost there. I'm starting to hallucinate and I can't feel my legs."

"You can't annihilate humanity on an empty stomach...That's why I'm proud to ride with the four chuck wagons of the apocalypse."

You want change? Me too! We can do it together... Yes, we can. I'm Barrack Obama and I approve this message.

"You know Shamus, I thought that this Roswell place we are colonizing is uninhabited?"

"Vhile ze stupid British scan ze skies for Luftwaffe, ve sneak attack vid our Panzerponies!"

"Soon we, too, will travel across the eighth dimension!"

"Ain't those lights romantic, Sally? They shore do put me in the mood. Almost as much as the fac' that we're cousins."

"It's the Rapture, and we're ready, having purchased the book."

"Let's get the hell out of here before we end up on a Nebraska state quarter!"

"Woohoo! By this time tomorrow we'll be in the studio audience for Hollywood Squares."

"What did I tell you back in Kansas Louise? Gahan Wilson is just mailing it in these days."

Did you remember to turn the stove off?


I think we probably should have put our stuff in these wagons before leaving Tulsa.

"Hoorah! We've found our way out of this giant vagina!"

"We're approaching the speed of light, which is why we're starting to see reflections of our future selves. And why it's so dark."

"I think I left the iron on."

"Hang on, Gladys. I reckon we's in Lloyd Webber country."

"Don't worry, this is just the third stage. Next comes paranoia, and then, of course, I have to eat you."

Just when you think your safe! The trapeze artists will never survive now!

shit - you're

"I feel like stickin' my MONUMENT in your VALLEY."

"Going to the Circuit City grand opening in this plaid shirt is a disgrace to our Amish heritage -- but fuck it!"

We could've made the Def Leppard concert up ahead, if you hadn't slowed us down with all your 'proper burial' bullshit."

"Why do I have this ol' shit-eatin' grin? 'Cause for once we ain't behin' the manure wagon!"

"Why do I have this ol' shit-eatin' grin? 'Cause for once we ain't behin' the manure wagon--we're behin' the orgy wagon!"

What good is more horsepower in traffic like this?

"Well, 'howdy do' ! Kind of gets a fellow to feeling puppet. ! .... uh, 'uppity' (Sorry about that, sis !).... Get a move on, 'Woody' !"

"What is this, Germantown??"

"Tail-hating ? .... Tail-hating ?! Hell no, I ain't tail-hating, mom ! ..... No more than dad ! .... Oh...."

Whew! That is the nasiest fart I done smelled in a long time, girl. I guess them beans is still cookin' in yer belly. Hey look, it's the big city lights!

"Horses sure are hung."

"Shake 't ! For the suns who tattered--til less bright--the stars before them in the shield of night, drive night along with them from evening, and strike the for'ard wagons with their beams of light.....or something like that !...... Wait, that's odd ! We are heading west, right ?"

Predicted intended caption and ultimate winning New Yorker caption: "At last, we've reached the Rio Grande opening!" Apologies to dwilk.

No, no -- RICHARD Donner...y'know, the guy who directed "Superman"? It's HIS party...

Think I can catch that smaller wagon before it catches the littler wagon ahead of it before that one catches up to the itty bitty wagon up in front? Can't wait 'til our big horses squish their teeny ones like bugs!

"The Indians never attack anyone who's made up as a homicidal clown. Of course, that doesn't mean they won't attack you."

"Bright lights, big Oklahoma City."

"This is the best danged lesbian dude ranch vacation bar none!"

"We're just startin' out and we're already in fourth place?...Man, it sucks to be a Cubs fan."

"It's hours from here, but it can be easily seen."

"Looks like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are both getting out of limousines at the same time!"

See I told ya Moses had a twin.

A box office bomb, the knock-off movie “Jimbo Billy Bob-Hur” and its thrilling climax - the Conestoga wagon race.

"Jimbo Billy Bob-Hur? I hardly KNEW Hur!"

"The Lord moves in mysterious rays....hiyah, hiyah there !"

" 'Engine Territory' ! Them fools is headed into trouble !"

" 'Conestoga'? Be damned ! I reckon I'll jus' miss the cut at this here 'ARE YOU SMARTER THAN THE SCHOOL-HOUSE ?' showdown."

"Gotta be MANIFEST DESTINATION ! Check the chart, 'hon' !"

"Boy, howdy ! You ever seen 'sich' (sic!) symmetric storm-clouds ? It fixing to rain, wife !"

"Youth or Consequences, Youth or Consequences, Utah, bitch ! 'spect you know what that means ? ..... Yeah, me, Curley, and the bunch is heading back fo' more soon's some 'shuteye'......We got us a gig !!"

"Thou hypocrite, slut ! First cast out the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy lovers' eyes....or something like that ! S'pect thou writ ahead !.....Matthew 7:5, by the way."

al in la ftw

MAtt's about the cucumber was the funniest by far.

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