March 24, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #139

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


Results from guest judge Harry Effron

"I'm going to lick my balls now." —J. D.

"More like Doctors Without Flavors, I'd say." —Kevin Guilfoile

"Well, you can't have a divorce; we're lions." —Seth T.

Honorable mention
"Dunno what that dipshit thought he was doing, driving a convertible
through The Land of Incomparably Ginormous House-Sized Lions." —Vance

"And yet I feel ill." —TG Gibbon

"If he wasn't circumcised, is it still Kosher?" —Glime

"He said, 'You don't have to do this,' and I said, 'People always say
the same thing.'" —chigurrrrh

"Pretty good appetizer, but go press his OnStar and our main course
will be here in minutes." —LV

And for Harry's new idea, New Yorker Anti-caption Contest losers, which are
his favorite actual New Yorker Caption Contest Captions, mistakenly entered in the Anti-caption Contest.

"A doctor a day keeps the apple away." —mloclam

"He said he needed to have a look at my colon." —Anita Margarita.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Is there a doctor in my stomach? Ahhhhh heheh. I kill people."

"I just swallowed a scalpel, and am dying from internal bleeding."

"I keep forgetting. So, how many Kenyan Schillings equals one Euro?"

"I like them smashed taters, Bob and Marion style, mmm-hmmm."

"You were late so I started without you. But I saved you the parts I don't like."

"Y'know, you're right. I do need a haircut."

"I appreciate your "whole animal" cooking philosophy, Cora but, FYI, these are the parts that I shitted out."

"Androcles was such an asshole."

"Ferrari safari. Safari Ferrari. He went on safari in a Ferrari. In his Ferrari, he went on safari, and now he is sorry. [Freestyle break.]"

Yes, it WAS Patch Adams and no, he didn't taste funny.

"I loved that movie The Pawnbroker."

"CSI Serengeti, my ass!"

"So then, I sez, 'Dr. Livingstone, I presume.' - and then he sez..."

"...an HMO,- Why?"

"You're gonna have to round up a few more parts if you want this thing put back together."

"Ugh...that doctor was not only sans frontieres, he was also sans flavor."

"You have trouble reading, or something? The last name's Cullum."

Why would I share? I have no pride.

"Believe it or not, this is what's left of Paul McCartney's assets."

"Ugh. I was about to say, 'Doctor Livingstone, I consumed.' But that's something only a giant pussy would say. Get it? Giant pussy? I'm a lion? (sigh) Maybe the human I ate had AIDS. Eating humans with AIDS always puts me in a foul mood." THE END.

A doctor a day keeps the apple away.

"More like Doctors Without Flavors, I'd say."

"It's good. Tastes like Christian."

Kevin: would you now?

"He was about to take out my thorn, but if I'd let him, the mouse union would've had my ass."

"Scully, I'd have to guess that it was right here that Dr. Dolittle 'went native.'"

"Um. . . what doctor?"

"'Livingstone?' No, he said his name was Millmoss. Why?"



See for yourself: no veterinary license anywhere. "Free prostate exams" my ass! Literally!

"Seriously, who the fuck wears wing-tips to the Serengeti? It's like begging to be eaten."

"He was crying and screaming the whole time...AND he was delicious."

"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

"Now get me some desert."

"It had a medicinal aftertaste."

"The human male is typically the hunter, whereas you, a lioness, killed this one and brought it me, a male lion, depicted as reclining to suggest an entitled sort of sloth. I believe we are being used to make a comment about gender roles for the amusement of elite, East coast liberals who read this magazine."

"You don't have a spoonful of sugar by any chance, do you?"

"I have a calm physician in me."

FOOD: 17

"When I shit out his car keys you want to take a spin?"

"The shoe, the stethoscope and the spine."

"Correct, you are the next Dalai Lama."

Sorry Doris, I felt we had to get started without a second opinion.

"Yeah, so that happened. Hey, you ever seen baboons do it? It's hilarious."

"And yet I feel ill."

"Yeah, this is what I do to people who send in more than five entries to Radosh's New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest. Capiche?"

Fum kind of fopical anaefthesia in the focket.

No, but if you're hungry, there's a guy in a deep sea diver suit headed east.

"Help me out here, will ya? Is that a teeny car about two feet away or a regular-sized car way the hell back there?"

"It's a form of natural selection, if you think about it. This explains why so many people fuck sheep and so few fuck lions. Anymore."

Horatio, I didn't realize evidence took sides...

Well, it does...and it tastes like shit...

"Hmm. Tastes like chicken."

"Don't worry. I saved Nurse for you."

"He is now a post-doc."

"I think someone doctored my food."

"Don't look at me like that. He was an Obama supporter."

"Sorry, I couldn't wait; but his kid is still back there in the car."

I can't BELIEVE we have to hold these poses when there's dead doctor carcass around here somewhere.

"No, I didn't say I was a vegetarian... I said I eat veterinarians!"

"Because I'm sick of these Hollywood types. What kind of name is Shiloh anyway?"

"I didn't know palm trees were indigenous to the area. They really spruce up the joint."

"Well, he said there was a bit left in there from when the mouse operated, and that it would likely be called a pre-existing condition, and that my insurance woudn't cover it, and I would have to pay in advance. So I ate him. So now I have indigestion, and my paw still hurts."

Cough! Cough! KAFF! Hack! Hack! Hack! RETTTTCHHHH!!!

I tried to show some restraint, but when he started in with the "a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh," I couldn't hold back anymore.

[burrrrrrrrrp] "There, did that sound like the alphabet?"

"What? I'm old enough to eat a driver."

"He gave me a clean bill of health."

"Zoinks! OK, now you say, 'Ruh row, Raggy'"

Look, the vultures are already circling and the hyenas will probably be here any minute. If we hurry and wipe down our prints, we may just get away with it.

Nice work Nigel...first a lawyer and now a doctor! That leaves you just a politician short of a hat trick.

"I just couldn't turn my head... and cough... not when I am hungry."

"What?!.... Seriously, WHAT!"

"Dude... you look so stoned! Do I look stoned?, because I feel stoned. In fact, I...uh... whoa! I forgot what I was about to say!"

"Okay, we'll call it even when you pay me a skull."

"Ate him?? I was trying to save him! But by the time I managed to chase off the gazelles, this was all that was left."

Yeah, survival of the fittest, definitely. Each of his friends had equally sized feet and could run much faster.

"Got milk?"

The stethoscope was nothing -- watch this! (retches up buttplug)

Elsa, why didn't you tell me these were the same Adamsons that raised you from a cub? I'd have eaten them slower.

"The asshole called me cowardly."

"I'm gonna auction this stuff on eBay and make a killing."

He was a big pill for what ails me

"What're you lookin' at, two-legger?"

[Apologies to Johnny V:]
"Yes, I said I wanted to eat vegetarian tonight - and I meant exact that. This was Dr. Michael Greger."

Sorry, you'll need a referral before you can see the doctor come out of my ass.

Surely any comedic sentiment that might arise from this situation would be tainted with the questionable ethics of portraying lions devouring humans as "humorous". One wonders if these monsters, our quill-equipped creators, drew wry illustrations for Nero as he laughed uproariously at the beasts in the arena tearing innocent Christians apart.

I don't know whether or not its called doggy style, but isn't it difficult for you to hold an erection with all these human remains scattered about?

" He was a neurologist named Von Recklinghausen.His tuning fork is still stuck in my ass.Would you like to hear my rendition of HELLO,DOLLY?"

"I ate a doctor and now I have a tree growing out of my butt."

"So, tell me again how wearing this doctor costume is supposed to improve our sex life..."

Tasted like chicken!

Wake me up when Werner Herzog calls.

I STILL can't find his damn car keys!

"Dunno what that dipshit thought he was doing, driving a convertible through The Land of Incomparably Ginormous House-Sized Lions."

In Soviet-aligned Transvaal, pussy eats you!

On a scale of one to ten, how cruelly ironic would it be right now if there were a soundtrack to this event and it started playing "The Circle of Life"?

No more planting mature palm trees in the middle of the savannah for THIS quack. I mean, what the fuck? Palm trees.

"You know, I saw myself in his head reflector, and this goatee kinda makes me look like a douche"

"I find it really depressing to think of all the lives he would have saved"

He said he needed to have a look at my colon.

"Well, you told me to eat a healthier diet."

HMO?... I thought someone said, "Hold the Mayo!". And actually Mayo is a name of a very large clinic...Okay, sorry I ate your doctor.

“If there is no God then what the fuck did I just eat?”

"This is the most satisfying ending ever to an episode of 'House'... and yes, he tasted like asshole."

"What is it? Do I have something in my teeth?"

Ich habe einen Doktor gegessen. Ich fühle beschämt.

I ate a doctor. Now, ask me 'which doctor?' C'mon, ask me! I've been waiting for years for a chance to devour a Western allopath just so I can make that joke. C'mon, just ask me. Please? Oh, let me guess: Ms. "alpha female tertiary predator" is too high and mighty to deliver a straight line now and then. Well, screw you.


You know, this doctor was a sensible, pretty good tasting meal but I really prefer the crunchy texture of chiropractors.

Mmmm...it taste about halfway between chicken and osteopath.

"No, he just spontaneously combusted. Er, sorry, I've been reading MAD magazine again -- no, there's no more flesh left."

"Just my luck, no syringe. I need to get high, you got any used needles?"

"I presumed Dr. Livingston would taste a little better."

"Who drives a convertible into a wildife preserve, anyhow?

Why the suspicious looks? I am sure your vet will be along any minute.

It was a case of road rage gone bad. I told him that there was no parking under the palm trees. He said I might be the king of the jungle but in his book I was nothing but a big pussy... so I ate him.

"That reflex thing always gives me the munchies..."

"Look. He used that pun about 'it gives one paws' one too many times. So, I ate him."

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak. Now, you say 'Control Freak who?...' "

I don't know why everyone complains about hospital food.

"Asshole said I looked like Richard Lewis."

"I love a vet who makes house calls."

"Pretty good appetizer, but go press his OnStar and our main course will be here in minutes."

"You never clean up this place anymore- now go get me another snack."

"I'll take this in a hyena bag."

"He couldn't tell me why all this greenery was growing out of my ass."

Your gynecologist...?! Jeez, I'm gonna puke...

Well, you can't have a divorce; we're lions.

"I suppose the politically safe thing would be to move on from this episode and just hope that it fades into the woodwork."

“Love those meals on wheels.”

"Dude? What? Huh... Wait, that why I told you I always opposed medicinal marijuana. Wait, what?"

Happy Meals toys blow, of late.

"Tried to charge me $150 just to renew my Ambien prescription. Crook."

"I've always loved Jew food."

"I'm going to lick my balls now."

"Hey, you know what 'Audi' stands for? Another Unsuspecting Doctor Ingested."

"That settles it. The Jaguar is faster than the lion, but the lion doesn't run out of gas after 100 miles."

“He fell for that crap about the lion sleeps tonight.”

"Bruce, you look fabulous in drag."

I'm Guy Fieri and today we're chowing down on Doctor tartar on "Guy's Big Bite."

"It was a little human kid playing doctor, hence the toy car. You'll recall I killed all your young when I took over this pride, so why the accusatory look?"

"I'd like to take the rest to go, please.....and you could get over here a little quicker with the coffee refills....and I do have a free dessert coupon.....and I'd like to get my parking ticket validated......"

"I just kept the green disk on my table, and they kept bringing me doctors."

"I'm not a beast, I'm just drawn that way--remarkably enough by a guy named 'Leo.'"

". . . and then I removed his appendix, and then I removed his gall bladder, and then I removed . . ."

Doctor who?

"Shoes? Spine? Head-mirror thing?"

"The strangest thing about my last victim was that Matchbox car. I wouldn't put that thing too close to your snout--it came out of his ass."

"It was over pretty quick. He went straight from talking about something called a 'pushme-pullyou' and a giant pink snail to begging for his life."

"Last thing he said was, 'Oh my God! You can talk!' I get so sick of that."

"I wonder if that 'In Love With Obama' girl is dead yet? Doesn't that seem to be, like, from a decade ago?"

"Can you drive a stick"?

"Dammit Jim! I'm a medical doctor not a veterinarian. Jim, why are running away?"

"Dammit Jim! I'm a medical doctor not a veterinarian. Jim, why are you running away?"

"Don't give me those eyes... Come on! Whaaat!? Stop, with the judgmental looks. Why you gotta be like that?"

He answered the riddle okay but I'm not a sphinx, just a sphincter.

"We're going to need to elect a new Primary Care Physician."

"What? How do expect me to recommend a doctor without trying him first?"

He wasn't a real doctor, he was an actor filming a docudrama. Stop glaring at me.

Let's play my favorite game: Roman soldiers shooting dice to see who gets Jesus' loincloth. Or in this case, pelvis.

"Good protein, but a little gamy."

"A little gamy. Probably a Jew."

"'Without borders' my ass!"

“Tastes like God.”

"I ate his penis, chewed his scrotum, munched his ass. With enthusiasm. Does that make me gay? Burp."

"Doctors I Like to Eat, Mothers I Like to Fuck."

You want to play doctor? Lie down and I'll eat you out until you scream for mercy. GRRRRR.

"U.S. imperialism sickens me."

"Joke about how proctologists taste, but you really miss them when their remains give you an itchy asshole."

"We are sooooooo gonna get blamed for this!"

"Yeah, it was Livingstone. He tasted like haggis."

"Look...if God didn't want us to eat people...he wouldn't have made them out of meat!"

"[Growling noise]"

It is a common misunderstanding that "carnivore" is French for "eats cars." Obviously, it means "eats meat." See? The car is still here. Meat Man, however, est fini. (belch)

Gee, I'm sorry. Was he a friend of yours? l don't know what got into me. Let me buy you a drink and we'll forget all about this little fuck-up.

"I just ate a gastroenterologist and now I need one."

"I've lost all sense of prospective. Have you lost all sense of prospective?"

or would "all sense of promportion" have been better?

"Hey look! One of those lines is sleeping standing up, and other one is orgasming over eating a doctor!" (Guy in car)

"Hey look! One of those lions is sleeping standing up, and other one is orgasming over eating a doctor!" (Guy in car)

"I'll be glad to check that for you. Put your paws in the stirrups while I warm up my speculum."

"I got here as fast as I could. Where's the patient?"

Ummmm... Medicine Man... him chewy-good... me no like like crunchy parts. You like crunchy parts? Me sell you crunchy parts for piece of hot pussy-ass.

Mais Oui, ma cherie! I am zee Franche Leeon! I eet zee Nahtzee docteur! Almost all of heem! Zee Franche leon, he faces zee Nahtzee and he eetzim! Zee Franche Leeon iz brafe and feerless, unlike zee Franche Fourun Legeeun! Do not be afrade, ma cherie, zee veldt of Afreeka with zee newlee planted Pahm Treez is safe frume zee Nahtzee Meniss! (Directors voice off-camera: "Cut! OK, Maurice, you can take a break now, just lay off the booze, your accent is getting a little thick.")

"He said, 'You don't have to do this', and I said, 'People always say the same thing.'"

"His last words were that he was Dr. Kevorki-something and that he had chosen to rent the convertible. What do you suppose he meant by that?"

The good news is, your results came back negative ...

On the veldt, nobody knows your tax bracket.

What damn doctor? It's cause I'm a lion, right? That shit's messed up, yo.

Food pyramid, meet food chain.

The Peace Corps? Fuckinay.

"Looks like another land mine tragedy"

"Got a seltzer?"

I've never appreciated chiropractors masquerading as doctors.

"What do you care what his name was? Dr. Scrumptious. That was his fuckin' name."

"I don't care if you're the C.E.O. of WLWN, help me put this thing back together. Nice car, by the way."

"Veni vidi heads-or-tails-friend-o-leevio!"

"Anyone ask, I took my med."

"Strange, I'm receiving a 'rush'."

"What do you mean you brought along a couple of midgets?!?... I'm FULL!"

"So next, when I came to, he went to repeating, 'We'll split the settlement from Ace Sedatives'. Go figure !"

"Walked right up.....all the confidence in the world.....said he was Furball, Dr. Furball........like it gave him some claim."

"Had me due for a 'cats' scam'. I wasn't going to take that."

"You were right, there isn't any place good to eat on the Upper East Side. Next time let's try Spanish Harlem."

"I spilled all of the parts for our board games again. Now I've got Monopoly and Operation all mixed up."

"If he wasn't circumcised, is it still Kosher?"

"Oh - those things untie? Now you tell me. I had a heck of a time getting this guy's foot out of there."

"This was the one in five that thought it was safe to smoke cigarettes."

"It really takes a twisted individual to find the death and ingestion of a fellow sentient being humorous."

"Well...It seemed to me the best place for a gynecologist is inside a pussy."

[al in la: i thought we had squeezed every last bit of humor out of this cartoon, but you've bested all of us!]

"Schweitzer? I hardly knew her!"

I don't see your human around here. Do you see a human around here? Now get lost, pork face.

Use a fork, get a napkin, clean up this mess, bitch, bitch, bitch.

"I'm playing 'Operation! The goofy game for dopey doctors'!"

(PS: Oh, darn you, Glime! Well, I'm submitting this one anyway.)

"I swallowed his cell phone, so for now the 'lion' is busy."

"Did you ever notice how clouds can look like things? That one over there looks like the state of Virginia, another one looks like Kentucky."

We're going to get blamed for this shit, I guarantee it.

"Damned 'glitterato' ! If he had only done like the Watusi."

"Bwana.....couldn't jump."

"Pygmies ! Put out an A.P.B. ! One them idiots dropped his hatchet !"

"Come shortcutting through here without his Nike's : what was he thinking ?!"

"O.K., sure, Dr. Jomi Burkoo ran that 27 min: 18 sec. 10K at Athens, but one must consider that Burkoo announced his retirement--what, 3 months ago ?"

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