The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #116
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
“Ha! That’s brilliant! Of course we’ll run it - thanks for submitting! Do you have any others?” —Deborah
Finalists
"Not another Muhammad cartoon!" —Mike Mariano
"He will die of hunger, either from lack of food or lack of mouth. Either way: funny!" —Arthur
Honorable mention
"What do you think this is, fucking Highlights?" —LK
"I know - let's have it say '93827bab30d9e66444b755dda2dcc6c0d1bac01b.' Great, we'll run on on Floonsday." —RichM
"This drawing just washed up in a bottle. My son is stranded on a deserted island and he sent this note asking for help. I don't have time for your stupid cartoon ideas now."—JohnnyB
"We're really looking for something more self-reflexive and meta. Maybe a New Glorker cartoon office on another planet?"—Dan McCoy
"I found this under your son's mattress, so, you're fired. We don't take kindly to gays."—Harry
"[Translated from the original Dryzglorian] So those are my vacation photos. By the way, do you have any idea what those strange alien symbols that someone put on my door mean?" —John Tabin
"So, Glarbfield here is a lazy, overweight ka'at who likes to eat lasagna. Where's the funny?" —mypalmike
"Klaatu barada nikto, Gort. I mean, with shit like this? Klaatu barada friggin' nikto." —kejo
"The splortnawk tree looks like it has greevitch. Fix it." —Ernest
"One cartoon on a stack of blank paper does not qualify as a weeks worth of work. You know, there was a reason why your race was enslaved." —Brian L
"Yeah ok we'll buy it. Now then, my dick ain't gonna suck itself ... " —J.D.
Editor: "This guy has no mouth, Jenkins. How does he taste?"?Jenkins: "Awful." —LR
Shortly before being vaporized for barging into Dictator Eonor's private office, Kodos realized the foolishness of assuming alien scripts are read serially from left to right. —A Silly Mus Musculus
"Zmorg, can let you in on a little secret? I secretly wish that this drawing was real and it was my wife there, dying slowly...*Long contemplation*...Zmorg, how you like to stop playing for space-peanuts and make some big anti-gravity bones?" —Grant
"I can't run something this funny next to the Funky Winkerbean where Lisa croaks. Back in the vault with it." —Chris
Comments
"GREAT!! Now we're making fun of Ring Bell For Service Heads!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 1, 2007 9:08 AM
"Your caption for this cartoon has insufficient humor-value, Glorxzz, so the only honorable recourse is to utilize it as part of the New Smorker Caption Contest and hope that your brethren may succeed where you have failed. Should no captions exceed the minimum humor-value threshold, of course, your life will be forfeit."
Posted by: Francis | October 1, 2007 9:13 AM
Oh yeah, I *get* it...he's a blogger. But maybe we should add a few things. Like, the eye isn't nearly bleary and bloodshot enough. Also, he isn't drooling (maybe because he has no mouth)...and there should be stacks of dirty socks and coffee cups next to him - add somethng like that, OK? Hey, is there any way you can visually depict crazed mumbling and an offernsive, unwashed smell? Oh, and give him a laptop, that would be a good touch...
Posted by: simsburybear | October 1, 2007 9:16 AM
“Ha! That’s brilliant! Of course we’ll run it - thanks for submitting! Do you have any others?”
“Well, you don’t have to get it – that’s why it’s funny. I have some other ideas, too: a couple in bed, an interspecies couple in bed, a room where everything is absurdly oversized . . . . and of course, a bar scene. That’s classic. You know what else would be funny? A movie theater scene. A person quiets another sitting next to them in the movie theater where a crazy action movie plays. Now that’s funny.”
Posted by: Deborah | October 1, 2007 9:20 AM
something about Tralfamador maybe...
Posted by: abe | October 1, 2007 9:26 AM
I printed this out from your blog, Kodos. In case it doesn't ring a bell, it's a photograph of you, wearing soiled diapers and sitting on a huge mound of your own feces. The blog is titled "Diary(a) of a Coprophile." Listen, Wilson. Here at the New Antarean, we don't look kindly on our cartoonists being involved in this kind of filth. May I suggest that you submit your work to The Harvard Business Review instead?
Posted by: kejo | October 1, 2007 9:33 AM
Not another Muhammad cartoon!
Posted by: Mike Mariano | October 1, 2007 9:56 AM
Ah, crud. I just realized that my above post (9:33 am) refers to the cartoonist as both "Kodos" and "Wilson". Make that "Kodos" both times.
Posted by: kejo | October 1, 2007 10:08 AM
"Look. It was either this or 'Evrolet Girl' again."
Posted by: Tim H | October 1, 2007 10:12 AM
"This is a professional office. Do you not own a tie?"
"This drawing just washed up in a bottle. My son is stranded on a deserted island and he sent this note asking for help. I don't have time for your stupid cartoon ideas now."
"We're never going to see eye to eye on this one."
"I'm the cartoon editor. The swimsuit edition editor is down the hall. Are you blind or just illiterate?"
"We are clearly from a different planet, yet we have language, business and clothing exactly like Earth. Do you find that humorous?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 1, 2007 10:17 AM
Kejo: I assumed his name was Kodos Wilson.
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 1, 2007 10:22 AM
"By Xenu, Zaxman, you do have an exceptional photo-realistic style! Have you ever thought of becoming a real artist?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 1, 2007 10:31 AM
"We're really looking for something more self-reflexive and meta. Maybe a New Glorker cartoon office on another planet?"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | October 1, 2007 10:38 AM
No, I do not find this picture of you in a swimsuit to be arousing in any way. I am old-fashioned enough to be attracted to only the normal three-out-of-five sexes. Now, kindly remove your pedipalp from my ovipositor!
Posted by: kejo | October 1, 2007 10:39 AM
"This is dedicated to the One-Eye Love."
Posted by: Tim H | October 1, 2007 10:48 AM
"Did you forget to caption this?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 1, 2007 11:12 AM
What do you think this is, fucking Highlights?
Posted by: LK | October 1, 2007 11:14 AM
"I'm sorry we don't publish Madeleine McCann jokes here."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 1, 2007 11:20 AM
Why is all your work so one dimensional?
Blitney Spheres just isn't funny anymore.
A couple of things: he's as big as the tree and there are no coconuts.
Posted by: Amy | October 1, 2007 11:24 AM
"Look. When I want 'derivative' I'll ask for it, OK?"
Posted by: Kathy H | October 1, 2007 12:51 PM
"This is second gear, Krapheltz. I want fifth gear!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 1, 2007 12:56 PM
"So what do you think? Some 'clever' caption about sunscreen or missing sun-monocle would jazz up this lame desert island cartoon?"
"You expect to get paid for this shit? I'm the fucking editor and my desk is a misshapen cardboard box! There's no budget for half-assed cartoons! By the way, your turtleneck looks like a foreskin."
Posted by: David | October 1, 2007 12:59 PM
Yes, I see that it's tentacle sex. Can't you throw in something original, like missionary?
Posted by: therblig | October 1, 2007 1:11 PM
"Maybe something about an 'Eye-land' likes he's stranded on an 'Eye-land' waiting for the 'Staten Eye-land Ferry'...Yeah that's it! I love this job. Lunch?"
Posted by: al in la | October 1, 2007 1:24 PM
"So, Glarbfield here is a lazy, overweight ka'at who likes to eat lasagna. Where's the funny?"
Posted by: mypalmike | October 1, 2007 1:35 PM
"Put a shirt on her. We can't print a cartoon featuring exposed neeblorgs."
"What we really want is something that resonates with our demographic: Jews."
"Now have him say something inappropriate, like how much he misses his cappuccino machine. Because on this planet, 'cappuccino machine' can also mean 'hooker.'" See?
Posted by: Trout Almondine | October 1, 2007 1:37 PM
"What do you mean a beehive fell on his head?"
Posted by: Ed C | October 1, 2007 1:39 PM
"Drawings like this! This is what I want. Like this."
Posted by: Matt | October 1, 2007 1:46 PM
"Is this some sort of joke!?"
Posted by: mypalmike | October 1, 2007 1:58 PM
"Don't get me wrong, Eeeelort, I think it's very humorous. But the earthlings may revolt if Mark Trail is eaten by an alien, even if it is only implied."
Posted by: Ed C | October 1, 2007 1:58 PM
"I ask for a "Britney and her pet beaver" cartoon and you bring me this shit?"
"If you think this is art you need an eye glass."
Posted by: MAtt | October 1, 2007 2:09 PM
Klaatu barada nikto, Gort. I mean, with shit like this? Klaatu barada friggin' nikto.
Posted by: kejo | October 1, 2007 2:27 PM
"Look, you're in a rut. It's no big deal, we all have 'em. Do you hear what I'm saying, Ag? I mean, your drawing technique is fine. It's just, well, take the caption you wrote for this one: 'The palm trees here are obscene.' It's a cliché, an inside joke, and well, lets face it, not funny at all. Listen, I'm going to help you out. We'll hide it inside some article about Christianity and pop culture by, who's that hack... Daniel something. Nobody will ever see it."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 1, 2007 2:40 PM
I don't get it.
Posted by: Dave G | October 1, 2007 2:42 PM
Well it's kind of a meta joke. See on this planet called Earth there's a city called New York and there's a magazine there called The New Yorker and each week they...
Posted by: Ben | October 1, 2007 3:09 PM
"Where's the water? It's not an island without any FUCKING WATER!!!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 1, 2007 3:42 PM
"Hmm, 'Desert island Vaj Eye-Nas?' I get it but reads more like some kind of global warming thing."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | October 1, 2007 4:07 PM
"No, no, no. It's just the old guy-on-a-desert-island gag. That's completely hackneyed. We would never run a cliche like that here at Cartoon Editor magazine."
Posted by: Vance | October 1, 2007 4:13 PM
Add a couple of blorglings and a caption like "I brought of couple of blorglings, do you mind?" and you might have something there. Our readership goes nuts for blorglings.
Posted by: therblig | October 1, 2007 4:17 PM
He will die of hunger, either from lack of food or lack of mouth. Either way: funny!
Posted by: Arthur | October 1, 2007 4:19 PM
"And this is my oldest son, Zachary."
"Can you run me off, say, twenty copies of this before this afternoon's meeting?"
Posted by: Rubrick | October 1, 2007 4:22 PM
"Uhuh, that's Jamie, fucking eye sucker. The COUP went Best Seller over the weekend and this is the thanks I get."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | October 1, 2007 4:26 PM
"I don't know. To me it was funnier when your dad was drunk, stuffing his face and heaving all over the carpet. He's just any other dickhead here, sweetie."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | October 1, 2007 4:37 PM
"What can you do for me? I'll tell you what you can do for me. Get me a rubber band sandwich, and make it snappy."
Posted by: Kathy H | October 1, 2007 4:55 PM
"Get me anything you can on this guy. I want names, dates-- everything. Grease some palms if you have to. Just remember I'm not the Sultan of Brunei. Oh, and on your way out, tell Stevens to get his ass in gear and repaint my door already. It's been two weeks since we moved into this office, for Christ's sake."
Posted by: Rubrick | October 1, 2007 4:57 PM
"No dice. Larson had a Far Side exactly like this, only with a cow."
Posted by: al in la | October 1, 2007 5:02 PM
The splortnawk tree looks like it has greevitch. Fix it.
Posted by: Ernest | October 1, 2007 5:35 PM
His package is distracting.
Posted by: Ernest | October 1, 2007 5:38 PM
Of course he's a criminal. That's why he keeps his crotch covered all the time. But someday I'll find out who he is behind those pants. Someday. Now get out of here, and erase that sign on my door. It's ruining this caption.
Posted by: Walt | October 1, 2007 5:46 PM
One cartoon on a stack of blank paper does not qualify as a weeks worth of work. You know, there was a reason why your race was enslaved.
Posted by: Brian L | October 1, 2007 6:15 PM
As my vulgar display of teeth makes clear, I find your latest work extremely sexually arousing.
Posted by: jay-ha | October 1, 2007 6:18 PM
"This is the agent I wish you to assassinate, 'Cartoonist' X-47. He can be easily identified by his pet whale, who follows him at all times, spouting water. Are you fully stocked with laser 'pens'? No? Then please see the 'managing editor' on your way out."
Posted by: Francis | October 1, 2007 6:21 PM
Well that was my grandson Timmy last summer - adorable, right! Wait! I have more vacation pictures! I'll get to your fucking cartoons in a minute...you want to sell shit to me you have to learn how to kiss butt! And now, here's the baby..isn't he cute?
Posted by: simsburybear | October 1, 2007 6:46 PM
This picture is backwards moron!
You don't know your ass from your elbow! Neither do I! Our asses *are* elbows! Wait, what did I just say...
Posted by: simsburybear | October 1, 2007 6:50 PM
"By God,Gweefet, I think we've found our next Heeegilx!"
"I've been in this business for 50 glerbs...and let me be honest...don't give up your day job."
"And so we have reason to believe, after all these years, that YOU not only posed for this picture, but, YOU are the Chosen Slurm!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 1, 2007 6:50 PM
"The tenticles here are obscene!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 1, 2007 6:51 PM
Oop...should read:
"The tentacles here are obscene!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 1, 2007 6:52 PM
"[Translated from the original Dryzglorian] So those are my vacation photos. By the way, do you have any idea what those strange alien symbols that someone put on my door mean?"
Posted by: John Tabin | October 1, 2007 7:18 PM
I too am tired of the way we've been portrayed in the media - cartoonists have been particularly vicious. Someday there will be equality and justice for asshole-americans...
Posted by: simsburybear | October 1, 2007 7:44 PM
A picture of your baby? Seriously? You come in here and give me a picture of your freaky-ass baby? Ge the hell out of my sight.
Posted by: EmilyC | October 1, 2007 8:59 PM
Could you take it back and color in the background or something? It looks like the islands just floating in mid-air. You know what I mean?
Posted by: EmilyC | October 1, 2007 9:00 PM
"GORKSHRED STREGNECREDECTONG BLORGENOPHILOPAN. PORKENO!"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 1, 2007 11:25 PM
The office printer is not to be used for printing out porn.
Posted by: Erin Snyder | October 2, 2007 12:23 AM
"Good job, Collins. Now I want you to get a picture of Vince we can run alongside this and we'll be set."
Posted by: RichM | October 2, 2007 6:58 AM
"Yeah ok we'll buy it. Now then, my dick ain't gonna suck itself ... "
Posted by: J.D. | October 2, 2007 7:01 AM
"I think we'll run that 'chimp at a typewriter' one instead. Seriously."
Posted by: RichM | October 2, 2007 7:07 AM
"I know - let's have it say '93827bab30d9e66444b755dda2dcc6c0d1bac01b.' Great, we'll run on on Floonsday."
Posted by: RichM | October 2, 2007 7:46 AM
"I found a just lovely boy through NAMBLA- how do you like him?"
Posted by: LV | October 2, 2007 8:12 AM
"Your drawing lacks perspective. In fact, this whole office lacks perspective! Wait a minute, I only have one eye. What the hell is perspective?"
Posted by: MAtt | October 2, 2007 11:03 AM
"Say 'hello' to my little friend."
Posted by: Adam G | October 2, 2007 11:46 AM
"Babies with Down's Syndrome on desert islands is so five minutes ago."
Posted by: J.D. | October 2, 2007 11:56 AM
"I bet you're wondering why a one-eyed monster has 'CARTOON EDITOR' written on his door in English?"
"It'd be funnier if he was wearing shoes."
Posted by: David | October 2, 2007 12:17 PM
"Gahan, my man! Hey, have you sampled any of this 'alien paradise' acid yet? Gahan?"
Posted by: mypalmike | October 2, 2007 12:39 PM
"I found this under your son's mattress, so, you're fired. We don't take kindly to gays."
"i have a better idea for a caption: 'I suck at drawing cartoons.' Dumb ass."
"See, what you're missing here is an office, and a clock with random symbols on it. Now that would make for one hilarious cartoon, with a myriad of possible hilarious captions. Like, something about time zones."
Posted by: Harry | October 2, 2007 12:48 PM
"My twin brother Radosh had the same problem. No one gave a flying fuck about his blog so he stated running drawings like this and asking for witty captions. People still don't give a shit about his blog, but at least he gets more hits this way. Try it. You'll see."
Posted by: al in la | October 2, 2007 1:02 PM
Veni vidi funnyfunnystuff-o-leevio!
Posted by: Chris | October 2, 2007 1:16 PM
"No sczporg is an island."
Posted by: jim M | October 2, 2007 1:43 PM
"So, why doesn't the angel behind the guy have a head?"
Posted by: jim M | October 2, 2007 1:45 PM
This cartoon is good, but not good enough for a caption. Now let's both look towards the reader and widen our one eye.
"This is the last time I saw my wife. Last I heard she was glorping Zeeblax in accounting."
"Let's play a word association game. What is the first word that comes to your mind when viewing this cartoon? And don't say 'Cartoon.'"
Posted by: Mo Buck | October 2, 2007 3:45 PM
Editor: "This guy has no mouth, Jenkins. How does he taste?"
Jenkins: "Awful."
Posted by: LR | October 2, 2007 4:07 PM
"I agree - these editorial sessions do go better on LSD."
Posted by: stcoleridge | October 2, 2007 5:17 PM
"Cartoon, schmartoon! This, my dear Melvoid, is the next hitting sensation of the New York Mets!!"
Posted by: Tim H | October 2, 2007 5:28 PM
"When I said I wanted some one-eyed love machine for our erotica issue, I meant some fucking hard-dick stud action, you fucking moron—not your fucking wife!"
Posted by: Dr. Flute | October 2, 2007 5:34 PM
"You'll be somewhat satisfied to know that we've accepted your cartoon for publication. But you'll find yourself reading it...on this very island."
Posted by: Michael in la | October 2, 2007 5:49 PM
It's quite a bizarre coincidence, isn't it, Glork? We invade the planet Earth, annihilate its inhabitants - I personally devour the creature known as "Bob Mankoff" and don his peculiar earth-clothes - and, wouldn't you know it? here on his desk is a cartoon depicting a creature which looks uncannily like one of us! A One-Eyed Tentaculoid from the northern hemisphere of Omicron Vulpecula 3! It really makes you think, doesn't it, Glork? Really makes you think....
Posted by: kejo | October 2, 2007 6:11 PM
The Dwarf Elephant Times wanted to run a cartoon indicative of the HUMAN obesity epidemic, not the lard asses from our species!
Posted by: jeena | October 2, 2007 7:03 PM
"No..No, I DO get the joke. But, the caption: 'I am just 8 Glygorfs away from a 'menage a nuef'... Isn't that what you wrote in the 'About Me' section of your resume?"
"Jenkins... you must NOT continue sending me topless photos of yourself! You had me with "Hello"."
"I get it.. Some homely Cyclopazoid is STILL waiting a week after mating season. It's just that it looks like Thomas from Accounting. Oh?! It IS Thomas from Accounting.. then pin it on the breakroom bulletin board!"
"Harris, how many time have I told you that we can't print racially stereotypical cartoons?! Now erase a tentacle and have it back on my desk by 5"
"I can't print this. Think of our readers... It's STILL too soon!"
Posted by: Anonymous | October 2, 2007 7:07 PM
"Cy Clops, Deserted Island Private Eye" ? ......you know..it's just crazy enough to perhaps be a consideration for us to look at it down the road and revisit this maybe in the future and see if it fits our needs at that time, not that we don't wish you luck elsewhere.
Posted by: Greg | October 2, 2007 8:27 PM
"Take two of these and call me in the morning."
Posted by: Brian L | October 2, 2007 8:46 PM
"Thank you for your submission. However we feel it does not meet our needs at this time." ..can be said in so many different ways...and you've likely heard them..
Posted by: Greg | October 2, 2007 8:51 PM
"You can't call him Zorro!"
Posted by: Greg | October 2, 2007 8:53 PM
"Romantic storyline?...why he's all by himself!...hey, wait one minute here!"
Posted by: Greg | October 2, 2007 8:56 PM
What the hell is this? Our species longs for solitude and they are petrified of water. If our readers want irony, they can pick up a copy of the New Yorker. We're more a laughter-is-the-best-kind-of-medicine sort of humor. Get back to work and give me something like that piece you did last month where the daddy sporg accidentally expresses his offspring's anal gland into his wife's eye. Now that was funny!
Posted by: Shawn | October 3, 2007 1:29 AM
"It needs more rape. Can you, uh, 'rape it up'?"
Posted by: Larry Hastings | October 3, 2007 2:42 AM
"Maybe something like an eye patch and a treasure chest sticking out of the sand. Look Larry, I can't keep helping with this stuff."
Posted by: BA | October 3, 2007 7:29 AM
"I might actually start to see the inklings of a cartoon on this blank piece of paper should a brand new bottle of Courvoisier magically appear on my desk."
Posted by: BA | October 3, 2007 7:40 AM
"Everyone knows he actually has the ability to extend his eyecoil to reach the next nearest island. Great irony in this one Zark!"
Posted by: BA | October 3, 2007 10:56 AM
Seriously, I can't publish this. His eye looks totally like a penis. What were you thinking?
Posted by: Ben | October 3, 2007 11:41 AM
Sir, I don't take kindly to blackmail, but I do know when I've been bested. Destroy the negatives, and I'll make sure your, your ... sigh ... teenage drama comic strip ... finds its way into one of our publications.
Posted by: JP | October 3, 2007 11:46 AM
"Buuuurrrrrrrrpp!"
Posted by: JP | October 3, 2007 11:47 AM
"Fred, the next time you submit your work on flypaper, you're fired. I've wasted 10 valuable minutes this morning--every time I try to get it off my tentacle, it sticks to another tentacle! This is not funny! This is not my idea of a funny practical joke! And I consider myself a pretty easy-going guy. Now get out of my office. And re-do this panel ON NORMAL PAPER!"
Posted by: JP | October 3, 2007 11:50 AM
"Yes, but I'm not really the cartoon editor, I'm just an account manager. Some jackass scrawled that on my door yesterday afternoon after I said I liked 'For Better or For Worse'."
Posted by: JP | October 3, 2007 11:55 AM
"Wait a minute, what is that on my door?
You mean I'm the Cartoon Editor? All this
time I thought I was the Nootrac Rotide!"
Posted by: N-R-2 | October 3, 2007 2:20 PM
"If I really needed to see another piece of shit all I'd have to do is look up my own asshole."
Posted by: N-R-2 | October 3, 2007 2:58 PM
"Do you have any idea how much trouble this cartoon of Mohammed can get us in?"
Posted by: jim M | October 3, 2007 4:54 PM
Well, its not for us but if you put huge tits on it I'm sure that they'll run it in Playgrax.
Posted by: Charles | October 3, 2007 5:07 PM
[What are people's thoughts on props-giving on these Anti-Caption threads? Sometimes, when a caption makes me laugh out loud -- like both of Deborah's on this thread -- I want to post a shout-out. But nobody else seems to be doing it here; is it declasse?
In any event: mad props to Deborah -- especially for the first one (“Ha! That’s brilliant! Of course we’ll run it - thanks for submitting! Do you have any others?”)]
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | October 3, 2007 5:26 PM
[In retrospect, that was perhaps a hair too much ironic youthspeak.]
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | October 3, 2007 5:28 PM
"I don't understand why the tree doesn't have testicles."
Posted by: Francis | October 3, 2007 5:29 PM
"This desert island gag is obviously cliched -- although, in fairness, that's never stopped us from publishing a cartoon before. Perhaps -- I'm just thinking out loud --you could tweak the cartoon so that it offered a postmodern commentary on our magazine's willingness to publish hackneyed cartoons?"
"Terrific. As I said in yesterday's meeting, the stale gags are a nod to our magazine's tradition -- much like the superfluous umlauts on words like 'reelection' and 'reevaluate.' Somebody says to me yesterday -- this is beside the point, but -- he says, 'Those umlauts -- aren't they a little archaic?' And I says to him, '"Archaic?" Was there ever a time when people used an umlaut in the word "reelect?"' Because as far as I know, nobody's ever used an umlaut in that way except in this magazine. But it's a tradition. The unfunny cartoons -- same thing. In fact, there's a subtext to cartoons like this. Their very badness -- their lack of imagination -- is the running joke. You see a cartoon like this, you smack your forehead, it's like, "Oh, no! Not another desert island gag!" But you're laughing as you say it. You know? So -- good work."
"In the alternate universe we inhabit, the model pictured in this swimwear advertisement is considered highly attractive, while somebody like Jessica Alba or Brad Pitt would be considered hideously ugly. Just goes to show how subjective this whole idea of beauty is."
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | October 3, 2007 5:46 PM
"As I explained to you last week, the use of dieresis is only allowed in the articles, not in the cartoon captions.
Let me reëxplain."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 3, 2007 7:27 PM
"Look, drawing a freaky alien tree in the background doesn't make it any less of a cliche."
Posted by: R. | October 3, 2007 10:04 PM
"Yes, I'm the cartoon editor. But that doesn't mean I'm edit cartoons. It means I'm an editor who happens to BE a cartoon. The same way YOU are a cartoon. The came way this drawing is a cartoon of a cartoon. Haven't you noticed we only exist in a cartoon?"
Posted by: Richard | October 3, 2007 10:19 PM
Whaddya, stupid? It's the goddamn swimsuit issue! It's gotta have way more T and way less A, GOT IT????
Posted by: Peter Lorber | October 3, 2007 10:34 PM
"This drawing would be much more interesting if you had him on that little island talking to a basketball. Maybe you could name the ball Kodos Wilson."
Posted by: Dex | October 3, 2007 10:39 PM
"I called you in here because we're out of the
rejection form letter.
By the way, would you have an old one with you that I could make copies of?"
Posted by: Greg | October 4, 2007 12:56 AM
"If I ran this I'd look like a dick."
Posted by: al in la | October 4, 2007 1:37 AM
"The worms in my belly are revolting."
(Thanks to Milan Starling.)
Posted by: abe | October 4, 2007 8:41 AM
"Who do I look like, Larry Flynt?! Oh, right, I kinda do, don't I."
Posted by: jim M | October 4, 2007 11:41 AM
"What say we have a little tête-à-tête over drinks at P.J. Clarke's?"
Posted by: Tim H | October 4, 2007 12:48 PM
"Uh-huh. You seriously thought I'd believe you drew this?"
Posted by: Lorinne | October 4, 2007 3:06 PM
"What if maybe, say, a coconut fell from this 'tree,' and landed right on his eyeball. Now THAT would be funny!"
Posted by: Michael in LA | October 4, 2007 3:46 PM
"Yes it's funny. Not funny 'haha'; more funny 'weird'. Maybe if a schlorp's fin was circling the island?! Or maybe a fleeshu took a shit on his head?! THAT would be funny 'haha'!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 4, 2007 4:57 PM
Don't be confused by my dilating pupil. I hate this and you.
It isn't polite to stare.
Posted by: Amy | October 4, 2007 7:07 PM
More T. Less A. It's the swimsuit issue! Who gives a shit if it's funny?
Posted by: Pee Low | October 4, 2007 8:54 PM
We found this porn on your computer.
Posted by: Pee Low | October 4, 2007 9:18 PM
I'm drawing a blank. Hey wait a second….
Let's have a Caption Contest!!!!
Posted by: Pee Low | October 4, 2007 9:40 PM
"Ha ha ha. That was so clever how you just spelled Mississippi with one eye. Now go back and bring me some more of that kooky kind of crazy for this week's caption."
Posted by: N-R-2 | October 4, 2007 11:07 PM
"What if, instead of being alone on a deserted island, he were in my office, enduring mundane conversation about his unfunny cartooning work? OMFG that would be like totally meta."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | October 5, 2007 3:54 AM
"This makes no sense as a cartoon, but give him a volleyball to talk to and we might be able to squeeze out a two-and-a-half-hour film."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | October 5, 2007 4:09 AM
It was a rock lobster? What?
Posted by: A Silly Mus Musculus | October 5, 2007 5:14 AM
Shortly before being vaporized for barging into Dictator Eonor's private office, Kodos realized the foolishness of assuming alien scripts are read serially from left to right.
Posted by: A Silly Mus Musculus | October 5, 2007 5:33 AM
"You left out his jaw and mouth stick-shift head!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 5, 2007 7:19 AM
"Ah, the final stage of our master plan to take over this planet is coming to fruition. Once I publish a few more of your idiotic cartoons, the last remaining shreds of the Earthlings' intelligence will be destroyed, and then we shall enslave their race forever! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"As one glyrxx to another, let me be honest with you. This cartoon is terrible. You'll never be a cartoonist. Get your head out of the clouds and get a real job."
"Wel, at least it's not a blank page like your other submissions."
Posted by: Jacob C | October 5, 2007 10:39 AM
"I like your idea for a drain stopper, but this is 'Cartoons' not 'Product Development.' "
Posted by: Tim H | October 5, 2007 12:26 PM
"After all these years you still haven't learned how to draw hands, have you Wilson?"
Posted by: al in la | October 5, 2007 2:22 PM
This is pretty good, I guess, but I am an otolaryngologist, and not a cartoon editor. Some punk kids must reärranged the sign on my door that's supposed to say DOCTOR TRAINE.
Posted by: kejo | October 5, 2007 3:45 PM
I know you're myopic. Here, let me hold it closer so you can see it.
I get it. The poor lonely bastard's gonna starve to death, then maybe some gulls will eat his rotting carcus. Fucking hilarious!
Posted by: dl | October 5, 2007 3:55 PM
"CHENNUX WILL BE FURIOUS."
Posted by: InfoMofo | October 5, 2007 4:29 PM
"Such an eye for detail."
"These recent cartoons -- is this where you've been calling them in from?"
"I swear if I see one more hackneyed, recycled, refrigerator-quality drawing -- I'm going to put my eye out."
Posted by: C@L Mike | October 5, 2007 4:52 PM
"I'm not laughing."
Posted by: dwilk | October 5, 2007 8:03 PM
You did way too much coke when you were on Earth. Everything you've done since you came back has an 80's reference in it.
Posted by: Shawn | October 5, 2007 10:02 PM
"I can't run something this funny next to the Funky Winkerbean where Lisa croaks. Back in the vault with it."
Posted by: Chris | October 5, 2007 11:09 PM
"I don't care what Mr. Shawn would think. You're fired! And by the way, where did you get your turtle neck? I'm starving!"
"I know I'm new at this, but don't you think a caveman would be funnier?"
"Looks like you had a great vacation! So why the big frown?"
Posted by: David F | October 6, 2007 11:28 AM
"This can only be attributed to humor error."
Posted by: dwilk | October 6, 2007 7:56 PM
"Go and find this guy. Maybe he knows what the caption should be."
Posted by: BA | October 7, 2007 5:28 AM
"No eye is a manland? What the fuck's funny about that?"
Posted by: BA | October 7, 2007 5:38 AM
"It's five forty two on a Sunday morning.
Don't you have anything better to do?"
Posted by: BA | October 7, 2007 5:42 AM
"Nicely drawn, Franklin. But I'm afraid this one's going to need a caption."
Posted by: Michael in LA | October 7, 2007 11:53 AM
"So the joke is that he got so hungry that he ate his own mouth?"
Posted by: Richard | October 7, 2007 12:48 PM
"Add a monocle, a butterfly, and a top hat and you've got yourself the cover!"
"This would be really funny if you had a submarine periscope sticking out of the water in the background, you know, with a magnified eye looking back."
Posted by: zenveg | October 7, 2007 5:09 PM
"The Boss wants you to give this to Joe Torre. He'll understand."
Posted by: al in la | October 7, 2007 9:13 PM
"It has your eye."
Posted by: LOD | October 8, 2007 12:09 AM
My muffler doesn't even HAVE a hole in it, but I still had an apple for breakfast.
Posted by: David | October 8, 2007 2:58 AM
"Great job rookie. But, how about next time you draw yourself drawing something actually worth a damn. Get out of my office. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to do real alien cartoon editor work."
"A one-eyed alien on a deserted island. Brilliant!"
"Zmorg, can let you in on a little secret? I secretly wish that this drawing was real and it was my wife there, dying slowly...*Long contemplation*...Zmorg, how you like to stop playing for space-peanuts and make some big anti-gravity bones?"
Posted by: Grant | October 8, 2007 9:48 AM
"No MR-N is half an island....!"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 9, 2007 9:54 PM
Good work, Phloxxxi ! I've got her(?) on grounds of galactical estrangement ! (I could have used feeler-prints, though.)
Posted by: Sam L. | October 9, 2007 10:07 PM