The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #115
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
NOW WITH PRIZES! Bring your A-game, folks. The winner and finalists in this week's contest will receive autographed copies of THE COUP, Jamie Malanowski's new satirical novel. (To be eligible, you must provide a working e-mail address (only I will see it) and be prepared to provide a real name and address. If one or more of the winning entries are not eligible, the prize(s) will be rolled over to next week's contest.)
Winner
"Why, I just got out of a toxic relationship, and I could really use a drink! No, but seriously, there was a chemical spill over on 43rd and hundreds are dead. I'm surprised you haven't heard." —J
Finalists
"My wife left me for some guy that doesn't wear a radiation suit. How can I compete with that?" —Ed C
"Man, I am so wastered. I mean wasted. Well, back to work." —mypalmike
Honorable mention
"I just came from the big rally to keep 'Jericho' on the air, but suddenly I feel empty and ashamed, so I'm going to drink myself into oblivion. Thanks for asking." —gary
"They told me this bar was 'da bomb.' But it turns out 'da bomb' actually fell a mile from here. Hence my protective suit, and your impending agonizing death from radiation sickness. Cheers." —Jacob C
"So, we were chasing that alien and the kid down a cul-de-sac. We were sure we had them! But then - and you're not gonna believe this - the alien and the kid and the bicycle suddenly levitated in the air and they started flying! Geez-o-man, do I need a drink!" —kejo
"Is that CK One you're wearing? What a coincidence!" —Trout Almondine
"Radiation symbol? Goddamnit! I'm so totally killing my tailor. It was supposed to be a swastika! Oh how the hell am I gonna look at the big cross-burning tonight?!" —TG Gibbon
"yes, i am part of a word-of-mouth viral marketing "street" team doing a stunt for the latest hollywood virus-outbreak movie. but you have to wear a suit to work every day, so suck it, plastic ad man." —plastic ad man
"No negroes are allowed in here at all? You mean I wasted all that time and money getting suited up like this?" —Vance
"I prefer 'Bubble Man' actually." —Feige
"I CAN HAZMAT?" —The Confidence Man
Comments
"At least I have two eyes! Your face looks like someone giving birth to a crystal ball out their asshole. Asshole!"
"I'm from the health department, Mr. Carter. I'm afraid we may have to shut down the Waverly Inn. There's plutonium everywhere. At least there will be unless you sort your shit out and do something funny again soon."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 24, 2007 9:26 AM
"Hold on- let me remove this helmet. I just realized that I can't possibly drink with it on."
Posted by: Deborah | September 24, 2007 9:31 AM
Am I wearing a diaper?! Who the hell wants to know! Asshole!
Posted by: simsburybear | September 24, 2007 9:32 AM
"Actually it's good to drink when you're exposed to radiation; it helps you expel contamination from your system. But beer works best."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 24, 2007 9:33 AM
It's the astronauts who wear the diapers - not nuclear power plant guys! How many times do I have to explain that, huh? How many times!
Posted by: simsburybear | September 24, 2007 9:34 AM
"Radiation symbol? Goddamnit! I'm so totally killing my tailor. It was supposed to be a swastika! Oh how the hell am I gonna look at the big cross-burning tonight?!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 24, 2007 9:36 AM
"What an amazing coincidence - I'm wearing the exact same tie you are."
Posted by: jim M | September 24, 2007 9:46 AM
"In these perilous times it's good to know that we are still civilized enough to use coasters."
Posted by: Tim H | September 24, 2007 9:48 AM
"Don't look now, but there's a giant letter R on the loose. It just ran across the street behind you."
Posted by: Deborah | September 24, 2007 9:54 AM
"Nothing radiates with me."
Posted by: dwilk | September 24, 2007 9:56 AM
"What with the suit you ask? Well, I've heard that the girls at this strip club will do anything, but I don't want my wife to be able to smell it on my clothes when I get home. You know how it is"
Posted by: David | September 24, 2007 9:59 AM
"What's with the suit, you ask? Well, I've heard that the girls at this strip club will do anything, but I don't want my wife to be able to smell it on my clothes when I get home. You know how it is"
Posted by: David | September 24, 2007 9:59 AM
"No, no, no! The correct demitasse technique is pinky out!
Posted by: David | September 24, 2007 10:09 AM
I probably wouldn't be sterile if I ever remembered to wear the pants with this suit.
Posted by: David | September 24, 2007 10:10 AM
You know, you would think that if they can send a man to the moon, they can come up with an easier way to mix a Tom Collins.
Posted by: junior | September 24, 2007 10:13 AM
"No, I'm not a regular. I'm just killing some time here before my date with Marie Curie."
"I just came from the big rally to keep 'Jericho' on the air, but suddenly I feel empty and ashamed, so I'm going to drink myself into oblivion. Thanks for asking."
"You're new here? Well, you've got to try their Hazmat Cocktail."
Posted by: gary | September 24, 2007 10:18 AM
"This whole 'Cuban Missile Crisis thing obviously has me freaked out. Thank God there are still 'Whites Only' bars where we can come unwind."
Posted by: David | September 24, 2007 10:24 AM
It's Three-Mile Island Ice Tea!
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 10:28 AM
I got hooked on these barium enemas at Johns Hopkins!
[by the way, I versioned & submitted my "3 Mile Island ice tea" gag for the real NYer contest - wish me luck!]
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 10:39 AM
"Cheers."
"Your face or mine?"
"I still haven't figured out business casual."
Posted by: Tiberius | September 24, 2007 10:40 AM
My wife doesn't understand mesons.
Posted by: therblig | September 24, 2007 10:56 AM
So, we were chasing that alien and the kid down a cul-de-sac. We were sure we had them! But then - and you're not gonna believe this - the alien and the kid and the bicycle suddenly levitated in the air and they started flying! Geez-o-man, do I need a drink!
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 10:58 AM
I ordered a Safe Sex on the Beach!
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 11:01 AM
"Hazmat - will travel."
Posted by: Richard | September 24, 2007 11:15 AM
"A bad day at work? Yeah, I screwed up big time today at the nuclear power plant. If I were you, I'd move. Not to another barstool - to another country. NOW!"
"This bar is NON-smoking now? Since when?"
"I'm wearing it until they outlaw trans fats here in Jersey."
Posted by: JohnnyB | September 24, 2007 11:16 AM
Good morningk! You are investigatif reporter for Moscow Independent newspaper, da? I hope to you allow me to buy you drink. Glow from pimento means fresh! A toast! To Vladimir Putin!
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 11:28 AM
"It's called dress casualty, pal!"
Posted by: dwilk | September 24, 2007 11:34 AM
"Yes, I just dropped a radioactive ingot into your martini. So what?"
"A guy walks into a bar with a haz-mat suit on. The bartender says, 'Why the long face?' And the guy says, 'The radiation is melting my skin off.' Get it?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | September 24, 2007 11:35 AM
“What kind of a fucking outfit do you call that!?”
Posted by: dwilk | September 24, 2007 11:38 AM
"I said, have they signaled the all-clear yet!!? Shit, you can't hear me from inside this helmet can you?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 24, 2007 11:40 AM
So I says "blue alert, green alert, red alert -- I don't give a shit. I gave you my eight solid and I'm going home." But to answer your question, yes, we are all going to die.
Posted by: jay-ha | September 24, 2007 11:49 AM
"I completely misunderstood my sex partner's request that i wear protection."
"I am comically overstating one or more of the many hazards of living in the city and/or being in a bar."
Posted by: JohnnyB | September 24, 2007 11:49 AM
The whiskey sours here are obscene.
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 12:18 PM
"Y'know, back in 2007 I wouldn't have imagined that in just five years you could 'drink yourself to death' by sitting at a bar without a hazmat suit. But hey, you know, if that's what you want... cheers."
"First I was rocketing through a psychedelic void. Then I was eating soup. Then I was in bed. Now I'm in a bar with you. I'm hoping eventually this is going to make sense."
Posted by: Vance | September 24, 2007 12:19 PM
"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."
Posted by: jim M | September 24, 2007 12:20 PM
"Can I have that olive if you're not gonna eat it?"
Posted by: jim M | September 24, 2007 12:25 PM
Don't believe the tabloids! Britney's still toxic!
Posted by: Mike Mariano | September 24, 2007 12:30 PM
Is it windy out there today? It's hard to tell in the suit. Which way is it blowing? Not towards the city, I hope. Of course it doesn't really matter...
Posted by: jake | September 24, 2007 12:35 PM
I can quit drinking Mountain Dew any time I want. I don't want to.
Posted by: Scraps | September 24, 2007 12:46 PM
yes, i am part of a word-of-mouth viral marketing "street" team doing a stunt for the latest hollywood virus-outbreak movie. but you have to wear a suit to work every day, so suck it, plastic ad man.
Posted by: plastic ad man | September 24, 2007 12:55 PM
"Why, I just got out of a toxic relationship, and I could really use a drink! No, but seriously, there was a chemical spill over on 43rd and hundreds are dead. I'm surprised you haven't heard."
Posted by: J | September 24, 2007 1:01 PM
"Really? Me too! What exit?"
Posted by: J | September 24, 2007 1:01 PM
Excuse me, I do believe your drink is empty. May I buy you another?
Posted by: 99 | September 24, 2007 1:19 PM
"How 'bout them Mets?"
Posted by: Tim H | September 24, 2007 1:26 PM
Really? My breath stinks? That bad huh? Geez....
Posted by: simsburybear | September 24, 2007 1:38 PM
My nose doesn't fit in the helmet? No wonder I keep getting cancer!
Posted by: rottytooth | September 24, 2007 2:01 PM
Pardon me, but you smell just like pancakes...I eat the fuck out of pancakes.
Posted by: PeterK | September 24, 2007 2:28 PM
"First they closed down Moe's and told me to hang out at this frou-frou bar, and then they thought it'd be funnier if I wore my hazmat suit all the time instead of taking it off during the credits. This show has totally jumped the shark, if you ask me."
"The helmet may seem offputting, but believe me, it's better than if I removed it and you saw that the top and back of my gigantic head have been sliced off."
"I'm a recovering alcoholic, you see. I needed some strategy to prevent me from drinking alcohol. So I always just order cranberry juice instead. Oh, fuck, I left my hazmat suit on!"
Posted by: Rubrick | September 24, 2007 2:36 PM
Uh, buddy? I think your right eye just fell into your glass. Sorry, it must be this strontium daiquiri I'm drinking.
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 2:41 PM
"I was supposed to be Homer Simpson, but Cullum can't do Groening."
Posted by: jim M | September 24, 2007 3:23 PM
Sorry, Richard, but I have to rip you off:
"I CAN HAZMAT?"
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 24, 2007 3:26 PM
"Beryllium, you crazy bastard!"
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 24, 2007 3:36 PM
"I've had to wear this ever since my wife went to that beach where they staged the H-bomb tests on a massive tower right next to the lifeguard."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 24, 2007 3:38 PM
"I said 'A DYSLEXIC WALKS INTO A BRA...'. Jeez, I hate this hazmat suit!"
Posted by: Tim H | September 24, 2007 4:13 PM
"The suit is actually for your protection, because my balls are made of plutonium. That's right: fucking radioactive balls!"
Posted by: Mishael | September 24, 2007 4:27 PM
"So I'm in my hazmat suit, in this area where the radiation is completely off the scale - insane levels, when the glas plate in the front of my helmet falls right out - just falls right out of the helmet - and I get a lethal dose. Which is why I'm now in this bar drinking."
Posted by: Richard | September 24, 2007 4:27 PM
I don't know, some guys pushed me inside and told me to tell you a joke.
Posted by: LK | September 24, 2007 4:40 PM
"Haz matt? No, got milk."
Posted by: Squidocto | September 24, 2007 4:40 PM
"The chili is really good here. And by really good I mean bad. And by chili I mean blow job. And by here I mean your girlfriend's studio apartment on the lower east side."
"I'm naked from the waist down."
(muffled fart, followed by deep breathing) "Mexican."
Posted by: Mo Buck | September 24, 2007 5:06 PM
"Sure, I may look silly. But if you're parents had worn anti-radiation suits, maybe your forearms wouldn't be a mere five inches long. Something to think about."
Posted by: Rubrick | September 24, 2007 5:13 PM
Oh dear god. "your", not "you're". Sheesh.
Posted by: Rubrick | September 24, 2007 5:14 PM
You look like you're lost in space, buddy.
Posted by: Matt | September 24, 2007 5:19 PM
"They kicked me out once for excessive flatulence, so I sued...I guess you could say the judge was sympathedic to both sides."
Posted by: al in la | September 24, 2007 5:29 PM
Let me get this straight. You were under the impression that I was active in radio, and I was led to believe that your name was Al and you were something of a workaholic? Well, that's the last time I waste thirty bucks on gaydatefinder-dot-com!
Posted by: kejo | September 24, 2007 5:47 PM
"My wife had another meltdown."
Posted by: dwilk | September 24, 2007 6:13 PM
"I was on my way to a meeting of the Radioactive Decay Club. How I ended up here at Radioactive, the gay club, is a complete mystery to me. Can I buy you another martini?"
Posted by: mypalmike | September 24, 2007 6:54 PM
"I brought a couple of curies - do you mind?"
Posted by: mypalmike | September 24, 2007 7:01 PM
"Frankly, you want a hazmat suit at a bar so crappy that it only has two beers on draft and they come out of the same tap. You think this guy who drew us has ever even been to a bar?"
Posted by: JD | September 24, 2007 7:14 PM
"This is a deadly ebola virus lab, you moron. If you don't suit up and stop drinking the specimens you're gonna get fired."
Posted by: LV | September 24, 2007 7:24 PM
"First time here, eh? I'd advise you to stay clear of the men's room."
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 24, 2007 7:33 PM
"What should I do? Skip the antioxidant goodness of this pomegranate juice or expose myself to the deadly radiation?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 24, 2007 7:39 PM
"I don't like the atmosphere in here."
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 24, 2007 7:40 PM
I prefer "Bubble Man" actually.
Posted by: Feige | September 24, 2007 7:47 PM
"I get an hour for lunch.
Where's the broads?"
Posted by: Greg | September 24, 2007 7:59 PM
"You're not aware that this place is home to "The Erupting Urinal?"
Posted by: Greg | September 24, 2007 8:03 PM
"In ten minutes...men's room...urinal cake fight."
Posted by: Greg | September 24, 2007 8:04 PM
"Car wash, space, undersea,
....and it's remarkably roomy."
Posted by: Greg | September 24, 2007 8:15 PM
"I used to be an existentialist, but now the damn zipper's broke."
Posted by: Greg | September 24, 2007 8:19 PM
"Man, I am so wastered. I mean wasted. Well, back to work."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 24, 2007 9:01 PM
"Did you ever really need a drink - but your wife had burned all your clothes because she didn't want you to go to the bar - but she didn't know about your hazmat suit? That ever happen to you?"
Posted by: Richard | September 24, 2007 9:15 PM
"Hey, have you read The Coup, that amazing new novel by Jamie Malanowski?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 24, 2007 9:26 PM
"It's hard to enjoy Happy Hour with all that radioactive dust killing everyone out there."
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 24, 2007 9:28 PM
"Don't worry, you're probably safe unless your eyes start bulging out. Hey why do we change the subject? How about them Mets?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 24, 2007 9:30 PM
"Don't worry, you're probably safe unless your eyes start bulging out. Hey why don't we change the subject? How about them Mets?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 24, 2007 9:30 PM
Hey Pal -- I'll give you a free copy of THE COUP for each decent nuclear/bar joke you come up with.
Posted by: Arthur | September 24, 2007 9:34 PM
Doctor, I'm having another psychotic episode which is manifesting itself in a mode of abduction by alien creatures, so I put on this anti-radiation suit while waiting for my UFO ride in the event your diagnosis of psychiatric alienation is a complete distortion of reality.
Posted by: jeena | September 24, 2007 9:41 PM
"You may not want to drink that"
"Theres a hole at the top of the suit, just pour it right in"
"A business man and a guy in a hazmat suit walk into a bar, has a nice ring."
"I'm on my break"
"Personally, I find the olive annoying"
Posted by: Matias | September 24, 2007 9:45 PM
"You're damn right I need a drink, I've been drilling at the Crandall Canyon site for 15 hours."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 24, 2007 9:56 PM
The disaster response training went fine, but no matter what we do a nuclear device detonated in the city would be the greatest one-day human tragedy this country has ever seen.
Posted by: Sam L. | September 24, 2007 10:03 PM
"And the guy in the Hazmat suit says 'You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!?!' Get it?! 12 inch pianist..."
Posted by: Sam L. | September 24, 2007 10:06 PM
"Boat lonely. Boat want friend. Moon not count as friend."
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | September 24, 2007 10:40 PM
They told me this bar was 'da bomb.' But it turns out 'da bomb' actually fell a mile from here. Hence my protective suit, and your impending agonizing death from radiation sickness. Cheers.
Posted by: Jacob C | September 24, 2007 10:56 PM
"I figured the best way to get the bar waitress to touch my cock was to stick it through this beer tube. Shhh.. here she comes"
Posted by: /\lex | September 24, 2007 11:19 PM
"A priest, rabbi, and minister walk into a bar. Priests emit alpha radiation, rabbis emit beta radiation, and ministers emit gamma radiation. That's why I'm wearing this protective suit."
Posted by: Harry | September 25, 2007 1:06 AM
"This drink tastes like you, only sweeter! Heh-heh, get it? Because people call me 'Fallout Boy.' That's just two words, whereas the band is three words -- 'Fall,' 'Out,' 'Boy' -- but I still like to play off it."
Posted by: John Tabin | September 25, 2007 1:25 AM
"I'm sorry, I have to ask...Are, uh...Are you wearing rouge?"
Posted by: Eyeclops | September 25, 2007 1:43 AM
"How many phalluses can you find in this cartoon?"
Posted by: PO w/da BO | September 25, 2007 7:23 AM
"The Islamic Republic of Iran possesses a nuclear program solely for the purpose of producing electricity for her people and has no intentions of using any fissile material to construct weapons of war."
Posted by: RichM | September 25, 2007 7:25 AM
"Sorry friend. Was that your foot?... I'm a raw sewage technician. What do you think about that?"
Posted by: PO w/da BO | September 25, 2007 7:37 AM
"Me? I'm from the Future. It's a hell of a commute but you can't beat the rent. That's right, in the future rent is cheaper. Praise Space-Allah!"
"Jesus, Steve, that's the worst Leto Atreides I've ever seen. You look more like Duncan Idaho's hedge fund manager. I walk into a room people say 'Sardaukar' and it's all good. You? People see you they wonder how the dollar's doing against the Euro. The Euro, Steve, that's what you make people think of."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 25, 2007 8:00 AM
e-mail address for September 24,2007 7:24 PM
"Hey buddy, tell the bartender my drink needs more ice-otope."
"I told my wife I went fission, but if I'm home late she goes ballistic."
Posted by: LV | September 25, 2007 8:51 AM
I mean what would you do? My wife said either you paint the garage or go find that fucking yellowcake you think you left in a bar.
Posted by: kh | September 25, 2007 10:33 AM
"Veni vidi shlurp-o-leevio."
Posted by: Chris | September 25, 2007 10:48 AM
"Whoooooaaaa... that is one hell of a drink... I feel like I'm floating in space... with an astronaut suit on... I probably shouldn't have mistaken that spigot for a cute 2-umbrella drink, you know, especially since it's the toxic gas spigot."
Posted by: Vance | September 25, 2007 11:06 AM
"I am curie-ous - yellow."
Posted by: jim M | September 25, 2007 11:07 AM
"You wouldn't be the first blind date to consider my total commitment to safe sex a 'red flag,' but you have no idea how hot and exciting some of the healthy alternatives can be."
"I can't help but notice that you're my state representative. I didn't vote for you."
"So yeah, we've been pulling out the bodies as we find them, but what no one will tell you is that when hundreds of tons of Earth and rock collapse on you, you're pretty much a smear of shit and blood, mashed together with your feloow minors, as indistinct from each other as individual spuds in a bowl of mashed potatoes. So yes, I think I deserve a goddamned drink or two, okay pal?"
"Is that CK One you're wearing? What a coincidence!"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | September 25, 2007 11:18 AM
Ugh. "Fellow miners."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | September 25, 2007 11:28 AM
"I would've done anything for that woman. I even bought this suit to act out her fantasy of the nuclear plant worker and the EPA inspector. But I come home to find her in bed with our neighbor Roy! FOr Christ's sake, the guy's a pool salesman! So I shot 'em both."
"I appreciate your concern, but it's perfectly safe. All the hazardous materials are on the outside of the suit."
"I hate my job sometimes. That's why I blow off work, put on a haz mat suit, and cruise bars."
Posted by: MRW | September 25, 2007 11:35 AM
"The bartender's specialty is the Atomic Bomb."
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 25, 2007 11:47 AM
I'm in charge of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's luggage, not much of a tipper, that guy.
Posted by: the_incident | September 25, 2007 11:55 AM
"The things you have to do to find a parking space in this city."
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 25, 2007 12:03 PM
"Relax, you've got nothing to worry about. It's way too late for that."
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 25, 2007 12:05 PM
"Is it melting in here, or is it me?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 25, 2007 12:06 PM
"My face shield is completely reflective. The viewers of this cartoon see a reflection of the bartender's face in my helmet. And you have been basically hitting on yourself for the last hour."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 25, 2007 12:26 PM
"I left for work this morning without my pants, underwear, or shirt. So now here I am."
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 25, 2007 12:35 PM
"Wow, the Saints are playing like shit today!"
Posted by: Ellie | September 25, 2007 12:49 PM
"I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up -- I can't hear too well in this thing. 'Why am I wary of asthma too'? What?"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | September 25, 2007 1:14 PM
"No I'm not gay, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
Posted by: N-R-2 | September 25, 2007 2:14 PM
"Well, gotta go. I have a date with the Michelin woman."
Posted by: jim M | September 25, 2007 3:27 PM
"It's a fetish thing. The suit isn't actually any protection against contamination, because there's no glass faceplate and it's crotchless."
Posted by: Francis | September 25, 2007 3:55 PM
If you'll excuse me, I have to refine some urinium.
No, I meant the pattern on your tie - those things look like nuts! You know, like "nuts and bolts"! I just meant I like your tie!
The suit? Well, this being Chernobyl, the background radiation is still pretty bad. I hear that without benefit of protection, it leads to brachymelia, or shortness of limbs, to use layman's terms. Specifically, shortness the forearms. I guess if I had abnormally shortened forearms I'd be terribly frustrated in my attempts to masturbate. I'd probably end up sitting in bars and getting drunk and glowering balefully at anyone with the sense to wear a hazmat suit, who can go home afterwards and wack off to his heart's content. Wait a minute...Is it "wack off", or is it "whack off"? You know, with an "h"?
Posted by: kejo | September 25, 2007 4:20 PM
"'It's a turn-around jump shot, it's everybody jump start, it's every generation throws a hero up the pop charts. Medicine is magical and magical is art; you've got the boy in the bubble and the baby with the baboon heart.' Yeah, I guess you could call that my theme song. Partly because I must remain hermetically sealed from the outside world due to my damaged immune system, and partly because I am Adrian Belew, and my guitar contributions on that song constitute some of my best-known work."
Posted by: Francis | September 25, 2007 4:27 PM
"Face it Chuck, it's 15 minutes before the party and the costume shops are all closed. Just say this halloween you're a Jew lawyer."
"Why the fuck does everyone ask me if I've seen Bubble Boy within 30 seconds of meeting me?"
Posted by: Chris | September 25, 2007 6:02 PM
"It's part of a guerrilla ad campaign for Giuliani. The idea is to scare the shit out of people so they can look past his history as a narcissistic, duplicitous scumbag... But be honest. Does it make me look fat?”
Posted by: al in la | September 25, 2007 6:30 PM
"Mother Fuhhhh... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
We are fumigating this place, Buddy!"
Posted by: Johnny V | September 25, 2007 7:37 PM
"Yeah, the Heroes party was really great. "
Posted by: Brian L | September 25, 2007 7:54 PM
Obviously it's a rogue "R" that stands for radiation of some sort. I ain't touchin' it, so I ducked in here for a little courage.
My wife has breast cancer.
I work for Britney.
You look absolutely radiant.
Posted by: Amy | September 25, 2007 8:07 PM
"Remember back on October 31, 2005 when I showed up at your dinner party in a deep-sea diver suit? Yeah, I'm still an asshole."
Posted by: Dex | September 25, 2007 9:59 PM
Damn It! Your inane babbling about the nuclear catastrophe so distracted me that when the bartender asked, I ordered a drink I can't possibly enjoy without dooming myself to a lingering painful death such as the one you are going to experience. And I'm out 10 bucks!
Posted by: Will H. | September 25, 2007 10:02 PM
It's 80's night? I thought it was late 70's night! Now I look like a fool!
Posted by: Will H. | September 25, 2007 10:07 PM
The guys down at the plant spiked my coffee with Viagra at the beginning of my shift - little something they call "locked and loaded". Do you have a pen knife on you by chance?
Posted by: Shawn | September 25, 2007 11:54 PM
"I just Dutch-ovened myself."
Posted by: DamndestMimzy | September 26, 2007 1:01 AM
The worst part about radioactive tuesdays is having to wear a thong, but i would just die if any of my co-works saw my panty-line.
Posted by: Srixon | September 26, 2007 1:17 AM
"I've been in a bunker since 1967, are you telling me New Jersey didn't suffer a nuclear strike?"
Posted by: Timothy | September 26, 2007 10:13 AM
Because the last time I flew to L.A. I had to sit next to a fucking 6 foot bacterium.
Posted by: therblig | September 26, 2007 1:14 PM
"So Radosh says 'If one or more of the winning entries are not eligible, the prize(s) will be rolled over to next week's contest.' Parsing that out, if any winner isn't eligible to win this week, NONE of the winners will receive a copy of Malanowsi. Or, in more construced language, If there exists any W that does not meet condition E, therefore no Ws will be deemed to have met condition E.
There are some interesting game theory ramifications. There is, for example, a collective action hypothetical available, under which we all agree to not share our addresses unless the top three winners are ratified by a simple majority vote. Then, Radosh has to start the whole process over, until he capitulates and agrees to democratic rule. He has a further disincentive in that his colleague's book fails to be distributed and gain readership. Obviously, though, the Nash equilibrium negates the likely effectiveness of the approach.
Any, way the reasoning powers here are obscene. And let's fuck. "
Posted by: Dan | September 26, 2007 1:28 PM
No, no, I asked if you wanted to meet a nuclear pianist!
Posted by: Timothy | September 26, 2007 2:02 PM
Actually, when I'm done with my day job I'm part of the entertainment at this place. I'm a maniac, maaaaaniac on the floor.
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | September 26, 2007 2:41 PM
"I'll bet you a blow job that you'll never guess in which Reservoir I've been burying barrels of nuclear waste today. . ."
Posted by: Dr. Flute | September 26, 2007 4:01 PM
"Motherfucker, I want more iced tea!"
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 26, 2007 4:49 PM
"I think the question is 'Why aren't you wearing one?'."
Posted by: David | September 26, 2007 4:52 PM
"I work in a white-collar job in a sector of the information industry that is sterotypically regarded as fairly anodyne, yet is also widely acknowledged by my colleagues and key media thought leaders to be full of duplicitous persons who engage in behaviors that are, at best, not conducive to the production of quality work, and, at worst, actively undermine both the productivity and self-esteem of others."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 26, 2007 4:55 PM
I'm looking to join that new band "Fallout Boy."
Posted by: Timothy | September 26, 2007 5:14 PM
"No, really, I am a eunuch. Wanna see?"
"Hey pal, turn around slowly and see if that Russian letter is still standing across the street. I think it followed me here from the toy store."
"...and that's the last time I'll ever have sex with a crack whore without a condom!"
Posted by: MAtt | September 26, 2007 5:20 PM
"My story? Well, before the Plant, I made neon signs for a living. Lost my ass when I pulled the 'SuperCunts' prank."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | September 26, 2007 8:05 PM
I could have sworn the weatherman said "sixty percent chance of mushroom clouds with 300 mph winds."
Posted by: Amy | September 26, 2007 11:03 PM
"Are you telling me you don't see the pile of pubic hairs down at the end of the bar? That's why I'm wearing the damn suit, pal."
Posted by: JD | September 26, 2007 11:25 PM
"I'm having a scotch and heavy water."
Posted by: Dex | September 26, 2007 11:34 PM
"I know I shouldn't wear this here, but when I get mistaken for an astronaut, it's the only time I get laid."
Posted by: C@L Mike | September 26, 2007 11:47 PM
"It's for ties like yours."
Posted by: Greg | September 27, 2007 3:05 AM
"Um, Hi there Mr. Radosh. I'm a big fan of your work... and of HALO... eh hem. My kid and I would love to have the Halo 3 Legendary Edition but they sold out last night. I know it's kind of weird and all catching you on your lunch break from jury duty but can I buy you another appletini or whatever it is your drinking? Maybe I can...you know, work something out with you."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | September 27, 2007 3:33 AM
"Ay, don't tell anybody. I'm pumpin' right now. Been doin' it 24/7 and gettin' huge results. It's the only way I can hide it and still act like, normal. Know what I'm sayin'? Sellin' pumpers too. Sold one to Gary. Says he pumps while makin' drinks. Bet it's behind the bar here somewheres. You interested?"
Posted by: PO w/da BO | September 27, 2007 4:01 AM
"The guy in the gorilla suit on Tuesday? Yeah, that was me."
Posted by: dwilk | September 27, 2007 7:55 AM
"Yes, I'm the U.S. Senator from Vermont, I have worn this suit to work everyday since the anthrax scare."
Posted by: jeena | September 27, 2007 8:54 AM
"It's ironic, I can protect my body from external environmental toxins, but I can't find even one damn loaf of bread or chocolate bar that doesn't contain highly toxic genetically modified soy derivatives!"
Posted by: jeena | September 27, 2007 9:18 AM
I'm wearing this because you said we'd be exploring Uranus. What? Not funny enough? How about if I also call you "Senator"?
Posted by: Walt | September 27, 2007 9:34 AM
I'd never admit this if I weren't drunk and attracted to you, and I would prefer waiting until Hillary's in the White House, but what the hell. It actually is pronounced "nukular".
I have atomic piles.
Posted by: therblig | September 27, 2007 9:46 AM
"No negroes are allowed in here at all? You mean I wasted all that time and money getting suited up like this?"
Posted by: Vance | September 27, 2007 10:36 AM
"Being a walking radioactive bomb isn't so bad, really. The hours are great, no one cuts me off in line, and I've been growing extra penises in the most unusual places."
Posted by: dhex | September 27, 2007 10:51 AM
You don't know shit about decay, pal.
Posted by: al | September 27, 2007 12:16 PM
"The happy hours here can rupture your spleen."
Posted by: al in la | September 27, 2007 12:54 PM
(Although implied above, has to be said outright): "The happy hours here are obscene."
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 27, 2007 1:46 PM
"No, I'm just in town for a welder's convention."
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 27, 2007 1:53 PM
Look out! The letter R is across the street and he's coming this way... he doesn't look happy.
Posted by: Chloe | September 27, 2007 2:37 PM
"It's a radiation suit. It protects me from radiation."
Posted by: Ed C | September 27, 2007 7:00 PM
"...and then he was gunned down by the Libyans!"
Posted by: Ed C | September 27, 2007 7:05 PM
"No, I don't work at a nuclear power plant. Not any more."
Posted by: Ed C | September 27, 2007 7:08 PM
"My wife left me for some guy that doesn't wear a radiation suit. How can I compete with that?"
Posted by: Ed C | September 27, 2007 7:20 PM
"This is the first time I've left my house in two and a half years."
Posted by: Ed C | September 27, 2007 7:43 PM
Those eyes, that nose...there's no doubt, you're my father! Well it's me you son-of-a-bitch, your boy - your boy named Sue.
Posted by: Shawn | September 27, 2007 8:27 PM
"Mfffph mmmph muph."
Posted by: james | September 27, 2007 8:37 PM
You think academic politics are petty? Heh, I've been using this symbol on my plate mail for two seasons now and everything's been fine. But you unhorse one member of the heraldry committee, and bam! You're in a bar drinking instead of competing in the general melee semi-finals. They let Cooper keep his skull and crossbones, too. Assholes.
Posted by: A Silly Mus Musculus | September 27, 2007 9:14 PM
"So, thanks for the cheer, I hope you didn't mind my bendin' your ear. / This torch that I found must be drowned or it soon might EXPLODE!!!!!! / So, make it one for my baby and one more for the road."
-- (Johnny Mercer)
Posted by: Richard | September 27, 2007 10:55 PM
"I work across the street at Nukes я Us."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 27, 2007 11:22 PM
"How the fuck did you get a martini at a soda fountain?"
Posted by: Richard | September 28, 2007 12:16 AM
"Have you HAD the limoncello here??"
Posted by: Michael in LA | September 28, 2007 1:21 AM
"Did you listen to what Ahmadinejad said?!! The man can't be trusted!! And I got it straight from the horse's mouth, not from a 'translator.' How's that? Because I speak Persian, that's how. How long have I studied the language? Six years overall: junior year abroad, plus five more years after journalism school. I covered the gay, lesbian and bi- community. Though there wasn't much of a bi- community to speak of."
Posted by: Michael in LA | September 28, 2007 1:32 AM
I thought the bar was stainless, too. But it's depleted uranium. What kind of sick fuck would install something like that?
Because I want to keep both my eyes, Jenkins.
The airborne anthrax here is obscene.
Ask yourself, why do they call it a dirty martini when it tastes more like radioactive hospital waste than olives.
Posted by: Ernest | September 28, 2007 4:47 AM
Well I've been royally screwed too, so here's a drink to both of us. I used to claim a distinction, if dubious: I was in the cast of what was until today the most preposterous network sitcom ever, "Homeboys in Outer Space." It was on the UPN back in '96. I played square white crewmate "Stan." Who'd we lose the title to? Would you believe that they made a series about the cavemen from the Geico commercials? "CAVEMEN." Coming this fall on ABC. Tuesdays at 8pm Eastern. Premieres October 2.
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | September 28, 2007 10:10 AM
"I gotta warn you. My zipper's broke and I'm seconds away from becoming a walking colostomy bag."
Posted by: Mo Buck | September 28, 2007 4:08 PM
I know, it's the damndest thing. I come in here expecting to find a meeting of the germaphobe support group, and discover a thyroid disorder support group that I didn't even know existed. Shit though, if this is also your regular meeting time, I'm going to have to make a choice. Or what the hell, I can go to one one week and the other the next. Come to think of it, if the bar I was looking for is two doors down like you said, I can go back and forth - catch half of each meeting. It's a bonus any way you look at it, since either one is still right after my AA meeting across the street. Fuck yeah! So anyway, tell me more about this softball team you've got. That name is awesome, by the way: Buggin' Out. You guys are all right, man.
Posted by: B'nai tha K | September 28, 2007 10:58 PM
"Enrich your anium?"
Posted by: N-R-2 | September 28, 2007 11:21 PM
The concept of an all-encompassing "thyroid disorder support group" is fantastical. The "Hypers" -- wiry, eyes bulging - really can't stand the company of the "Hypos" - pathetically obese. And vice-versa.
Posted by: Iceberg, Greenberg, Greenspan | September 29, 2007 2:19 AM
"Females always whizgiggled at me and even fellows did in the civil toilets! Well, now I whizgiggle at them because I took MegaDIK for 7 months and now my tool is greatly best than world."
Posted by: MAtt | September 29, 2007 8:23 AM
"Sure, it's hard for ME to take a drink. But YOU are going to die from radiation poisoning. Unless you die from something else first. So yes: I should have taken a decontamination shower before coming here, but I didn't want to miss JAMIE MALANOWSKI reading from his fantastic new satirical novel, THE COUP. But of course, as you know, this guerilla-marketing event was cancelled because poor Malanowski got hit full force by the explosion. Only ashes remain of the blasted bugger now. So, you see, you and I are both shit out of luck. The world is an absurd place, isn't it? It's times like these when I wish we had something we could actually laugh about. Hey, wait a minute. Shouldn't there have been a face mask on this thing?"
"For the hundredth time: I don't know why nobody told us about the Halloween party. Good thing our clothing is the same size. Hah--now everyone will mistake you for me and me for you! If anybody ever shows up, that is. It wouldn't be much of a party if we were the only ones here, would it now? Hey...wait a minute...I think we might've been played for fools!"
"The olives here are obscene...but the peanuts send me into anaphylactic shock! And this suit would work a lot better if the bartender hadn't used the face mask as a condiment tray. Or was it a condom tray?"
"I wear this because the New York Mets have been stinking it up so badly."
Posted by: David F | September 29, 2007 11:26 AM
"Go ahead: fart away."
Posted by: Michael in LA | September 29, 2007 6:36 PM
"Yeah, people started copying my crazy tie fashion, so I decided to take things a step further."
Posted by: Brian L | September 30, 2007 12:43 PM
"Why, yes. As a matter of fact I was at Shea Stadium today.*"
*Written on Sept. 30th 2007, the blackest day in N.Y. Mets history. (Second place now is December 10, 1971, the day they traded Nolan Ryan to the California Angels for Jim Fregosi.)
Posted by: al in dismay | September 30, 2007 6:08 PM
I can hazmat?? really??
Posted by: Anonymous | October 2, 2007 12:40 PM
My wife thinks I'm having a half-life crisis.
Posted by: Julie S | October 6, 2007 8:08 PM
"Martinis, are they worth it, bub ?! That olive's 'plumb-full' of pesticide-- come to think, plums too !"
Posted by: Sam L. | October 9, 2007 10:24 PM
"Glass like that, when it's half full, it's empty ! .... Of course, I see stuff like that."
Posted by: Sam L. | October 9, 2007 10:34 PM