The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #100
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"The shades aren't working. I can still see everyone we know perishing by flood." —gary
Finalists
"I've heard that the epic tale of the Great Flood cuts across many cultures and generations, with its roots reaching back to into the mists of ancient lore. I just didn't think it would cut across this week's vacation, that's all." —SK
"Uh-oh. I think I found the two crabs." — Abbie Normal
Honorable mention
"Only seven days in and already we lose moose and squirrel." —TG Gibbon
"All right, who brought the fucking ewoks?!" —Ogdred
"Did you remember to get the other tapeworm?" —Andrew
"Wow, that Rozhon woman was right; this really is like standing in a shower and ripping up hundred-dollar bills. Too bad she's choking on her last breath with all those other assholes on Fire Island." —99
"I don't know what it means either but he said he needed two A-holes and we got a free cruise so stop complaining." —FredSnertz
"It's all the drowned babies I keep thinking about." —Richard
"All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark." —Slide
"I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking ark!" —Dex
"I got dibs on the Dodo in the Death Pool." —Tim H
"Why is that parrot screaming 'fuck me with your big monkey dick before my husband wakes up'?" —Mssr Bouf la Tete
"Christopher Hitchens called and asked if we could swing by and pick him up. That fucking hypocrite." —al in la
Comments
The FEMA guy? Oh that's who that is...no just let him scream and struggle and then finally drown.
OK - whatever
Posted by: simsburybear | May 21, 2007 9:37 AM
"Just as Peter describes in 2 Peter, most of the world today scoffs at those who believe in Noah’s Flood and Noah’s Ark. The majority of scientists claim there never was a global Flood. Besides which, they claim, Noah couldn’t have fit all the animals on board—and that the boat would have sunk.
When children see the ‘bathtub ark’—what is it really saying to them? I suggest that, in a sense, it is reinforcing what the world is claiming: that Noah’s Ark was just a ‘story’ or ‘fairy tale,’ and that Noah couldn’t have accommodated all the animals on board—and certainly this kind of ark would not have survived a Flood. In the past, this issue may not have mattered as much, but in our present world, where the majority don’t want to believe they are sinners, under the judgment of a Holy God, they thus scoff at the event of Noah’s Flood.
I believe that, in a subtle but real way, the ‘bathtub arks’ help the world scoff at the account of Noah’s Ark and the Flood as given in the Bible. In fact, one of the accusations humanists make in their books and Web sites is that Noah could not have fit all the animals on board. The ‘bathtub ark’ certainly reinforces that." —Ken Ham, president, Answers in Genesis
Posted by: radosh | May 21, 2007 9:39 AM
"I'm having an affair."
Posted by: J | May 21, 2007 9:48 AM
I sure hope that guy from The Office can make this shit funny.
Posted by: Ogdred | May 21, 2007 9:57 AM
Let's see... a hastily-made ship filled with catatonic wildlife, plus weeks of heavy rain that shows no sign of letting up, equals: the last time I ever book a cruise through Travelocity!
Posted by: Ogdred | May 21, 2007 10:09 AM
See those dark sunglasses they're wearing? That's how you know it's a Noah's Ark gag with an edge.
Posted by: Ogdred | May 21, 2007 10:11 AM
"I really hope our last fertility treatment worked."
Posted by: Francis | May 21, 2007 10:32 AM
"The guy on Channel 4 said this rain could keep up all week."
"The shades aren't working. I can still see everyone we know perishing by flood."
"God, do I hate the smell of wet fur."
"Before you hear it from someone else: The male orangutan felt me up."
Posted by: gary | May 21, 2007 10:35 AM
Guess who just used the "would you sleep with me if I were the last two-headed giraffe on earth" line.
Posted by: Raison Detre | May 21, 2007 10:40 AM
"Those fucking giraffes told me they only paid half what we did."
Posted by: Richard | May 21, 2007 10:40 AM
You do I have to blow to get a bigger cabin around here?
Posted by: Horney Lemur | May 21, 2007 10:51 AM
"All of our friends and neighbors are dead."
"If the forecast is right, we'll have this for another 13 days and 13 nights."
Posted by: Deborah | May 21, 2007 10:52 AM
Me and the lions are talking mutiny. You in?
Posted by: Frankly Mydear | May 21, 2007 11:01 AM
I would love to but I am gay
Posted by: FD | May 21, 2007 11:01 AM
I know you fucked that minx but it's ok. I've been going at it with the stallion.
Posted by: Looie Looie | May 21, 2007 11:04 AM
Shouldn't we be inside, with the lightning and all
Posted by: FD | May 21, 2007 11:04 AM
I was pretty surprised when the Sopranos ended with Tony and Carmela making off with the entire population of Great Adventure's Wild Safari. That, I said to my daughter, is a show about goddamned New-Fucking-Jersey! Go Knights!
"Only seven days in and already we lose moose and squirrel."
"I think Ham and Shem are fighting on the Aloha Deck again."
"I told you the unicorns were just too gay."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 21, 2007 11:05 AM
Can you believe that the only two humans on the ark were blind?
Posted by: FD | May 21, 2007 11:08 AM
It's funny I don't miss the unicorns either
Posted by: FD | May 21, 2007 11:10 AM
Remember how I said I got 2 of everything, well before we repopulate the human race, there's something you should know about my testicles.
Posted by: Joe | May 21, 2007 11:11 AM
That's it? His signature looks like the waves? I don't care if it was billed as 'pet friendly' Rita, this tour sucks balls.
Posted by: the chief | May 21, 2007 11:14 AM
All right, who brought the fucking ewoks?!
Posted by: Ogdred | May 21, 2007 11:16 AM
"Don't look now, but I think the male lion is actually a lesbian lioness wearing a ruff."
Posted by: Richard | May 21, 2007 11:24 AM
"This was a clever concept for the top of a building, but now I wish they'd built it a little taller."
"Hey, I can see my house from here! Cool."
"In retrospect, maybe you shouldn't have rushed out and gotten that vasectomy."
Posted by: Vance | May 21, 2007 11:26 AM
“I said CARNIVAL! Not Carnivore!”
Posted by: dwilk | May 21, 2007 11:29 AM
Mr. Gore, do you really want this to be the first scene in your sequel "A Still Incovenient Truth"?
Posted by: Joe | May 21, 2007 11:30 AM
"it's awesome that the hampton jitney goes through brooklyn now."
Posted by: Anonymous | May 21, 2007 11:32 AM
Come on Harold, the giraffes are also waiting to do the "I'm flying" scene from Titanic.
Posted by: Joe | May 21, 2007 11:35 AM
"Yeah, you're 'KING OF THE WORLD' now, Noah, but all your subjects are dead."
"The showers here are obscene."
"Noah, you dolt, 40 day cruise is not a great deal if (a) you have to build the boat yourself and (b) we don't stop in Cabo."
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 21, 2007 11:35 AM
"God, I hope we don't hit that iceberg."
Posted by: Richard | May 21, 2007 11:51 AM
"If being blind is genetic, then the rest of humanity is screwed."
Posted by: Harry | May 21, 2007 12:02 PM
"What's a cubit?"
Posted by: Slide | May 21, 2007 12:02 PM
"Did you remember to get the other tapeworm?"
Posted by: Andrew | May 21, 2007 12:05 PM
"Dear, I think this cartoon depiction of us on Noah's Ark sends the wrong message to the kids: reinforcing the idea that the flood story is a big joke. Furthermore, that animatronic Abraham toy you bought them, that circumcizes itself and then tries to kill its son, is really freaking them out."
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 21, 2007 12:28 PM
"Yes, my husband was upset to hear I cheated on him, but he's probably more upset about the fact that we stole his boat and his priceless menagerie of nervous-looking clockwork animals."
Posted by: Francis | May 21, 2007 12:47 PM
"Goddamn it, the Joneses have three of every animal."
Posted by: Francis | May 21, 2007 12:48 PM
"I wonder if he brought two of the norovirus?"
Posted by: Jim M | May 21, 2007 1:24 PM
"Look, a very tiny island with two unicorns looking wistfully at us."
Posted by: Jim M | May 21, 2007 1:25 PM
Wow, that Rozhon woman was right; this really is like standing in a shower and ripping up hundred-dollar bills.
Too bad she's choking on her last breath with all those other assholes on Fire Island.
Posted by: 99 | May 21, 2007 1:33 PM
Oh, and that was intended as a single entry.
Posted by: 99 | May 21, 2007 1:34 PM
"Quick, change direction! We're about to hit that jagged thing sticking out of that cloud!"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 21, 2007 1:45 PM
"Didja ever notice that representations of the Noah's Ark story tend to focus on large African animals?"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 21, 2007 1:48 PM
"What's the point of this lifeboat drill if the Ark has no lifeboats?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 21, 2007 2:00 PM
"A bit extreme, but if this is what it takes to get rid of those pop culture fucktards at VH-1, I'm all for it."
Posted by: J | May 21, 2007 3:05 PM
Substitute this for my previous one:
"Pretty ironic, dontcha think, that we're having a lifeboat drill when the Ark itself is the ultimate lifeboat."
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 21, 2007 3:20 PM
"I just hope the vinyl siding holds up."
Posted by: Jim M | May 21, 2007 3:34 PM
"Honey, why is that cat wearing a Tudor ruff?"
Posted by: Jim M | May 21, 2007 3:38 PM
"A Noah's-Ark cartoon. Gee, thanks, Morty. What, were all the cocktail-party and boss's-office gags filled?"
Posted by: Scraps | May 21, 2007 3:42 PM
"I still think one-if-by-land would have been a lot less work."
Posted by: Scraps | May 21, 2007 3:43 PM
"One more 'Riiiiiiiiight' out of you and I'm inventing keelhauling."
Posted by: Scraps | May 21, 2007 4:02 PM
I don't know what it means either but he said he needed two A-holes and we got a free cruise so stop complaining.
Posted by: FredSnertz | May 21, 2007 4:04 PM
"Let's look at the bright side. If you fart, nobody will know the difference."
Posted by: The Mullet | May 21, 2007 5:01 PM
"Next time you want to book us on a low-cost, tropical cruise, please read the fine print!"
Posted by: The Mullet | May 21, 2007 5:03 PM
"I don't know if it's the animal sounds, the pungent mix of smells or the rocking of the boat, but I got a sudden hankering to drop down right here and do it doggy style."
Posted by: The Mullet | May 21, 2007 5:05 PM
“All it’s done so far, Maury, is rain the entire ti..., Shit! I just broke a heel. FUCK!! Now what do I do? Anyway, all it’s done so far is rain.....”
Posted by: dwilk | May 21, 2007 5:06 PM
"Everything is gone. It's all destroyed. There's no hope. We're doomed!....Wait, I see a Walmart."
Posted by: The Mullet | May 21, 2007 5:10 PM
I could really go for a cheeseburger right now.
Posted by: Johnny V | May 21, 2007 5:23 PM
"A floating zoo," you said..."People will love it"... I want a divorce.
Posted by: Johnny V | May 21, 2007 5:28 PM
"God has broken the Covenant of the Rainbow made in Genesis 9:11. Somehow, this is connected to 9/11."
Posted by: John Tabin | May 21, 2007 5:53 PM
"When you go a Christian college 'homecoming float' has a whole new meaning."
Posted by: al in la | May 21, 2007 6:24 PM
Uh 0h - sounds like the engine died. Damn Evinrudes.
Posted by: LW | May 21, 2007 6:38 PM
"You know, tonight, we're eating at the captain's table."
Posted by: Greg | May 21, 2007 7:17 PM
"Disney's Lion King cruise sets off from Orlando and ends up in a hurricane."
Posted by: Brian L | May 21, 2007 8:03 PM
"It's okay-- the hull of the boat will act as a Faraday cage."
"To be honest, I'd say we jumped the shark around when Vicki had her first kiss."
"So, the next time you talk to God, I'd like him to settle something once and for all: Is it pronounced BESTiality or BEASTiality?"
"Noah, I have a confession to make. I'm actually haplodiploid."
Posted by: Rubrick | May 21, 2007 8:06 PM
"We're fucked."
Posted by: Dashiell | May 21, 2007 8:20 PM
"There's no evidence that the warming was anthropogenic."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 21, 2007 8:38 PM
So will I fuck our daughter, or will our son?
Posted by: Sam L. | May 21, 2007 8:39 PM
"Let's settle in Jersey."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 21, 2007 8:40 PM
So, dear, what if we end up only having daughters? ... no matter what, our race must live on, right? right?
Posted by: Joe Terranova | May 21, 2007 8:54 PM
Alright, kids, there's enough actual stuff in the Bible to make fun of that we might as well nip this meme in the bud: Noah's sons wives were on board with the family. No incest necessary in this particular story.
Now let's move on to the Darren Aronofsky jokes.
Posted by: radosh | May 21, 2007 9:04 PM
"Well, the good news is Radosh has explained it all for us. The bad news is the kids want to go water-skiing."
Posted by: al in la | May 21, 2007 10:13 PM
I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking ark!
Any thoughts on how we are supposed to start making Chinese people?
Posted by: Dex | May 21, 2007 11:57 PM
"Not to nag, dear, but the front of your ark is terribly crooked."
Posted by: Brian L | May 22, 2007 4:09 AM
“So, these are all the other couples that met at eHarmony.com?”
Posted by: dwilk | May 22, 2007 7:18 AM
"To think we could have adopted some African kids if Bradgelina and Madonna hadn't gotten there first."
"I'm telling you we were picked for a reason, my dear Mr. bin Laden."
Posted by: LV | May 22, 2007 9:00 AM
Uh-oh. I think I found the two crabs.
Posted by: Abbie Normal | May 22, 2007 9:33 AM
Apparently God prefers whites.
Posted by: Laissez Faire | May 22, 2007 9:34 AM
Goodness. Those Mexicans sure can swim!
Posted by: Astro Turf | May 22, 2007 9:36 AM
You know that movie about people who are only sexually excited by car crashes? Yeah. Um. This is gonna be tricky. I'm dry as a bone.
Posted by: Monkey Doo | May 22, 2007 9:40 AM
One of the pandas just gave birth. The baby is so adorable! Just like in pictures. But there can be only two so... we're going to kill it.
Posted by: Mortimer Snerd | May 22, 2007 9:44 AM
And that's when Jumbo the elephant first thought of riding the lightning bolt.
So we put Marvin Gaye on as soon as it quits raining, right?
Any day now it is going to be a total fuckfest.
Honey, I've got some bad news... remember that conversation about interspecies relationships? Well watch out for the girafaman running around, it looks pissed.
Posted by: mobuck | May 22, 2007 9:45 AM
Eatin's not cheatin'!
Posted by: Nabob | May 22, 2007 9:48 AM
Why is that parrot screaming "fuck me with your big monkey dick before my husband wakes up"?
Posted by: Mssr Bouf la Tete | May 22, 2007 9:53 AM
I spy with my little eye...something wet.
Posted by: DJ Crispy C | May 22, 2007 10:00 AM
Just hang it over the side! Who gives a damn if the sheep watch you pee!!
Posted by: A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. | May 22, 2007 10:03 AM
"Um, Ham said he saw you naked?"
Posted by: Deborah | May 22, 2007 11:36 AM
Honey, fetch me our copy of "Noah's Ark: A Feasibility Study" by John Woodmorappe. It's an in-depth study that provides detailed answers to the major criticisms of Noah’s Ark. How could Noah and his family have cared for 16,000 animals? How did they all survive for a year on the Ark? And especially, what did the carnivorous animals eat during and after the Flood? 'Cause those lions are looking at us and lickin' their chops. This book provides answers!
Posted by: LR | May 22, 2007 12:23 PM
"Christopher Hitchens called and asked if we could swing by and pick him up. That fucking hypocrite."
Posted by: al in la | May 22, 2007 12:51 PM
Coming soon to Holy Land Disney...
Posted by: Diann | May 22, 2007 12:58 PM
"Look on the bright side -- this pretty much solves the mess in Iraq."
Posted by: Dave | May 22, 2007 1:02 PM
"I guess Al Gore was right. Too bad he missed the boat."
Posted by: hedenstrom@mindspring.com | May 22, 2007 1:02 PM
"I miss my iPod."
Posted by: Dave | May 22, 2007 1:04 PM
"If you hum one more bar of 'Singin' in the Rain,' the lemurs are going overboard."
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 22, 2007 1:09 PM
"That makes three thousand, seven hundred and forty-two of us."
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 22, 2007 1:27 PM
"You manage to herd a male and female from every species known to man, and yet you fail to bring just TWO golf umbrellas?! What a schmuck."
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 22, 2007 1:38 PM
>>No incest necessary in this particular story.
The best things in life never are.
Necessary. Not incestuous. Or particular.
Posted by: J | May 22, 2007 2:05 PM
"I wanted us to have our own private island- you didn't have to bring your whole posse, Dr. Moreau."
"FYI, I'm going to bang Jeff Probst, make an alliance with the lions and then vote them off, and keep a mosquito around to face in the final vote so I can grab the million."
Posted by: LR | May 22, 2007 2:27 PM
It's a good thing we have these sunglasses to protect us from those evil Hypno-Whales over there. The elephants are toast.
Posted by: Joe Terranova | May 22, 2007 2:54 PM
"Are you sure this is the wife-swap cruise?"
Posted by: gray nixon | May 22, 2007 3:09 PM
"Not I see a rat, I see Ararat. Never mind. This was a crummy idea for a reality show anyway."
Posted by: gray nixon | May 22, 2007 3:11 PM
"Yet another anchronism."
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 22, 2007 4:05 PM
"I don't know. It just that, well... I was thinking that for the 100th cartoon they wouldn't do something quite so depressing, you know? IT'S THE HUNDREDTH ONE! And this is what they give us! I mean with the rain and the flood and everyone else drowning, and all the animals looking so God damned depressed. It just makes you want to slit your wrists, you know?"
Posted by: Richard | May 22, 2007 9:05 PM
"It's suppose to rain for forty days and forty nights and you can't even remember to bring an umbrella."
Posted by: Aaron | May 22, 2007 10:45 PM
The map to Dryland is tattooed on my ass. The bad news is, anyone who looks at it shall be cursed to be a slave of slaves.
Posted by: Walt | May 22, 2007 11:15 PM
I was resigned to another summer of predictable big-budget sequels from Hollywood, but I expected more originality from God.
Posted by: Walt | May 22, 2007 11:28 PM
But what about the plants?
Posted by: Walt | May 22, 2007 11:29 PM
The waterskiing squirrel just got eaten by a shark.
Posted by: Skidmark | May 23, 2007 9:11 AM
FUCK! We're stuck on a fucking boat! You dick! And you, you fucking elephant! YOU SUCK!! This fucking sucks! Where am I supposed to take a shit?! FUUUCK!! ARRRGGHH SHIIIIIIIIIT!!! I'm on a fucking BOAT!! This SUUUUUUUUCKS!!
Posted by: Manfred Man | May 23, 2007 9:14 AM
"If we land in China, we can adopt a little girl."
Posted by: Jim M | May 23, 2007 9:31 AM
"'Will Boris and Natasha report to the Captain's cabin immediately?!' Those damned mooses and squirrels must have ratted us out!"
Posted by: Jim M | May 23, 2007 9:33 AM
"Damn! I thought YOU were packing the fifty-foot oars!?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 23, 2007 10:26 AM
"Wherever we land, I just hope they're a little lax with their 'pooper-scooper' laws."
Posted by: Tim H | May 23, 2007 10:28 AM
"That Joey Fatone STILL has a big ass."
Posted by: Tim H | May 23, 2007 10:29 AM
And how will the flood waters destroy all but two fish? So much for the "two of every creature" scenario. And what about the whales? They're actually mamamals. They'll all be just fine, while you and I are will probably catch pneumonia from standing in this downpour, since we obviously don't have enough sense to come in out of the rain. I guess Darwin was right, after all.
Posted by: SK | May 23, 2007 11:46 AM
Yep, two of everything. So the Vegas acts are Manilow in the Starfish Lounge tonight and Tony Bennett in the Cove Cafe tomorrow.
Posted by: SK | May 23, 2007 12:00 PM
I've heard that the epic tale of the Great Flood cuts across many cultures and generations, with its roots reaching back to into the mists of ancient lore. I just didn't think it would cut across this week's vacation, that's all.
Posted by: SK | May 23, 2007 12:06 PM
I was definitely suicidal before I signed on to this cruise, but I believe the weather has just about nailed it.
Posted by: SK | May 23, 2007 12:08 PM
"If we have a boy, let's call him 'Boy'; but if we have a girl, let's call her 'Rayne'".
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 23, 2007 12:25 PM
Since James Cameron couldn't pull off a feasible sequel, he's now in pre-production on "Titanic: The Prequel"
Posted by: Stimy | May 23, 2007 1:00 PM
"I'm glad the animals went on by twosies twosies. Especially those elephants and kangaroosies roosies. But when the rain stops, I bet they'll leave by threesies threesies. Birds and beesies beesies, you know."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 23, 2007 3:01 PM
"I have a feeling we're not be in Kansas anymore...but this little stunt may just get you a seat on their school board."
Posted by: al in la | May 23, 2007 3:32 PM
"I'm hungry. I guess I'll eat some of that leftover grilled mastodon."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 23, 2007 4:11 PM
"The showers here are tiger."
Posted by: Eric | May 23, 2007 4:14 PM
Are we there yet?
I guess this is a bad time to tell you that I am actually a drag queen.
So you made this out of shittum wood? It certainly smells like shittum.
Posted by: Johnny V | May 23, 2007 5:05 PM
"...back in college. and then i decided the responsible thing to do would be to get a vasectomy."
"i remembered my sunglasses, so you'd think i could have packed an umbrella."
"are those hatch-marks on the clouds also part of God's retrubution? cause i think they're nice."
"we'll have to settle in Utah, for the sake of our children."
Posted by: alexandra | May 23, 2007 5:09 PM
"If this cruise is so literal, I'm not looking forward to the kindergarten Easter pageant."
Posted by: Adam | May 23, 2007 5:16 PM
"Nobody believed me, Noah, not even you! But from now on, everyone will know of the famous Naamah's Ark. And your name will become a mere footnote in biblical history."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 23, 2007 5:21 PM
Sally: "I can't swim" Noah: "That's why I built this f@#$n arc Sally!"
Posted by: Joe | May 23, 2007 5:28 PM
"Bad news, honey. I have two of every type of pubic louse."
"So, what's to eat around here?"
"I'm flying, Jack! I'm flying!"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | May 23, 2007 6:11 PM
"This is why I hate taking the last boat to Oak Bluffs."
Posted by: Tim H | May 23, 2007 6:33 PM
"I got dibs on the Dodo in the 'Death Pool'."
Posted by: Tim H | May 23, 2007 6:39 PM
“You’ve screwed up before, Harry, but this time it’s a screw-up of biblical proportion."
Posted by: dwilk | May 23, 2007 6:57 PM
"I don't think your 'rally cap' is working, clyde."
Posted by: danny nutter | May 23, 2007 7:46 PM
I think he put us through this just to draw the waves. He always was jealous of Hirschfeld.
Posted by: Charles | May 23, 2007 9:23 PM
The giraffes are looking green Harold. I'd suggest you get some Dramamine down their throats pronto or we'll be knee deep in Noah's Barf.
Posted by: Shawn | May 23, 2007 11:38 PM
"All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark."
Posted by: Slide | May 24, 2007 4:19 AM
"Somebody forgot to take His prozac..."
Posted by: A Silly Mus Musculus | May 24, 2007 8:59 AM
I hear they're taping the final "Graven Idol" in the ballroom tonight.
Posted by: therblig | May 24, 2007 10:42 AM
Noah, you confuse me. You are religious enough to build an ark "Because God told you to"; but you fill 90% of it with unclean animals and you name our eldest son 'Ham'.
Posted by: Johnny V | May 24, 2007 10:44 AM
"Isn't it funny, how we're all in the same boat?"
Posted by: David F | May 24, 2007 10:58 AM
Love...exciting a new.
In case this thing goes down, remember: shit floats.
Posted by: Amy | May 24, 2007 11:29 AM
Honey, the monkey has his hand on my butt—again!
Posted by: Brett Topel | May 24, 2007 1:56 PM
"Can't this tub go any faster? Michael Jackson found out we stole his animals and is right behind us, in that sort of rocket-train-boat thingy from the 'Leave Me Alone' video."
Posted by: Francis | May 24, 2007 6:22 PM
"Well, obviously I didn't do it alone. I created a holding corporation, Noah's Arks, LLC. I rented out a warehouse so FedEx would have somewhere to ship the animals. I got some seed money from Abraham and Sons, that big VC firm. A writeup in Wheel 2.0 Magazine... The hype all led to a big IPO, etcetera etcetera. At one point, we were bigger than International Salt Corp. Well, you know, not in revenues, but market cap anyhow. We outsourced the hull design to some guys in Bangalore, and hired some Egyptians to bang it out. We had so much money left over, we got goddamn Herman Miller Aeron monkey cages. I took a huge hit when the ark sector plummeted back on Abysmal Wednesday. But then the rain started on Thursday, we were afloat on Friday, and well, I'd love to sell off some of that stock even now, but my broker isn't returning my calls. I might still be in a blackout period anyhow... What a ride though."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 24, 2007 7:27 PM
"We jaded, ironical New Yorkers are pretty hard to impress."
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | May 24, 2007 7:33 PM
So 700 tons of shit and all the smelly wet fur is a test of faith?
Shut-up with the “Aboard the good ship Venus” ‘cos I’m not being the figurehead.
God… all this shit isn't funny!
Water, Water, everywhere and I need to pee.
Posted by: Les | May 24, 2007 8:52 PM
"It's all the drowned babies I keep thinking about."
Posted by: Richard | May 24, 2007 9:38 PM
That outta take care of the in-laws.
Posted by: Brian L | May 25, 2007 2:44 AM
"As per your request, Maury, I'm not wearing any underwear."
Posted by: dwilk | May 25, 2007 7:10 AM
...and I do not like furries in the rain, et-seuss-fucking-cetera.
Go on, lick my trunk with your little, rough pussy tongue.
Man, that koolaid was strong. The giraffes are peaking already.
Damn, I really thought a unicorn could take a shark. Though he had been swimming for a couple days. A fully rested unicorn - now that could take a shark.
They all pretended not hear the screams of the unicorns coming from the wheelhouse, they were glad just to be alive and would sacrifice anything, even their peace of mind, to stay that way.
Posted by: scranchy | May 25, 2007 8:36 AM
"Look, Stanley, I know you're some world-renowned blind engineer and everything, but, well, how do I put this gently?...aww, fuck it, here goes: what good is a tiny, one-doored, no-windowed, half-the-size-of-our-no-chinned-bodies shack going to do with all these beasts here?"
Posted by: THOMAS | May 25, 2007 8:54 AM
"And I thought I'd seen sunny days I thought would never end."
Posted by: danny | May 25, 2007 9:32 AM
"I thought you said this was a three-hour tour?"
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 25, 2007 11:38 AM
"I thought you said this was a three-hour tour?"
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 25, 2007 11:38 AM
"I thought you said this was a three-hour tour?"
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 25, 2007 11:39 AM
"Come out to South Fork for Memorial Day, you say. We'll cruise out on a yacht with some totally cool friends of mine, you say. Well, I know you can't control the weather but this is NOT a yacht and, I'm sorry, but your friends are a bunch of animals. Next time I'm taking the jitney."
Posted by: al in la | May 25, 2007 1:04 PM
No, don't take the Circle Line, you said, the Circle Line is for tourists, you said.
Posted by: therblig | May 25, 2007 1:39 PM
did i forget to mention i'm infertile?
Posted by: jj | May 25, 2007 2:20 PM
did i forget to mention i'm infertile?
Posted by: jj | May 25, 2007 2:20 PM
So Moses' wife called, and apparently, that friend of yours God promised He'd protect their ark from the Nazis with face-melting prejudice. Not for nothing, Noah, but this "rainbow" you negotiated better have face-melting capacities, or you end up looking like a serious faggot.
Posted by: dean | May 25, 2007 3:48 PM
"Two of _everything_? Even Weinsteins?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 25, 2007 4:51 PM
"What did the time travel agent say about this trip again? Pushing even one person off the ark would have trivial or very grave consequences?"
Posted by: abe | May 25, 2007 9:34 PM
"It's true what they say, you don't realize how much you love animals until all but two of every kind are dead."
Posted by: David John | May 26, 2007 4:08 AM
I should let you know my gender reassignment sugery was scheduled for next Thursay and I have about 40 days worth of hormone pills. After that, I might start looking less like Barb and more like Bob... again.
Posted by: PO_w/da_BO | May 27, 2007 2:31 AM
"There it is! I saw it! It was a green flash just after it went below the water."
"Did you turn off the gas?"
"Last night was incredible. That elephant trumpety thingee you did really turned me on."
Posted by: PO_w/da_BO | May 27, 2007 2:42 AM
"Shhh... Don't look back there now but Snoopy will devour Hoops and Yoyo sometime before sun up."
Posted by: PO_w/da_BO | May 27, 2007 3:01 AM
"Rick, I threw out your guitar collection and the 'Live at Buddakan' masters to make space for cocaine and my tearsheets."
Posted by: PO_w/da_BO | May 27, 2007 3:22 AM
"Sheesh. All I'm saying is that you didn't have to make it look like a penis."
Posted by: Gupta Nuteeng Mutch | May 27, 2007 3:32 AM
"I told you they wouldn't get your 'How many beavers' joke."
Posted by: SchlepCar | May 27, 2007 3:45 AM
"All this stress, government cheese and lack of privacy has my piles on fire. Can we stop for a stool softener and some cream?"
Posted by: Ms. Terry Meat | May 27, 2007 4:00 AM
"Ummm, I know my MySpace says I'm into anal and all but I haven't really done it. Did you say you like Linkin Park? Oh, I could totally go for a triple Venti right now!"
Posted by: Chepe | May 27, 2007 5:27 AM
"Please tell me you had them swallow the uppers in plastic baggies."
Posted by: Chepe | May 27, 2007 5:35 AM
"The T. rex would like some more coconuts."
Posted by: Deborah | May 27, 2007 11:01 AM
One bunny in the back to the other bunny in the back: "Do you think that if we survive this that those two humans will eventually skin us for our soft, velvety fur and then eat us, too? If that's the case, then this hardly seems worth the effort."
Posted by: SK | May 27, 2007 11:51 AM
correction to my entry about 51 entries above:
mamamals = mammals, unless, of course, you think the cutline is more effective if the woman stutters, then you can read it as it is.
Posted by: SK | May 27, 2007 11:58 AM
Perhaps you meant manimal?
Posted by: mypalmike | May 28, 2007 5:58 AM