May 21, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #100

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"The shades aren't working. I can still see everyone we know perishing by flood." —gary

"I've heard that the epic tale of the Great Flood cuts across many cultures and generations, with its roots reaching back to into the mists of ancient lore. I just didn't think it would cut across this week's vacation, that's all." —SK

"Uh-oh. I think I found the two crabs." — Abbie Normal

Honorable mention
"Only seven days in and already we lose moose and squirrel." —TG Gibbon

"All right, who brought the fucking ewoks?!" —Ogdred

"Did you remember to get the other tapeworm?" —Andrew

"Wow, that Rozhon woman was right; this really is like standing in a shower and ripping up hundred-dollar bills. Too bad she's choking on her last breath with all those other assholes on Fire Island." —99

"I don't know what it means either but he said he needed two A-holes and we got a free cruise so stop complaining." —FredSnertz

"It's all the drowned babies I keep thinking about." —Richard

"All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark." —Slide

"I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking ark!" —Dex

"I got dibs on the Dodo in the Death Pool." —Tim H

"Why is that parrot screaming 'fuck me with your big monkey dick before my husband wakes up'?" —Mssr Bouf la Tete

"Christopher Hitchens called and asked if we could swing by and pick him up. That fucking hypocrite." —al in la

Posted by Daniel Radosh


The FEMA guy? Oh that's who that is...no just let him scream and struggle and then finally drown.

OK - whatever

"Just as Peter describes in 2 Peter, most of the world today scoffs at those who believe in Noah’s Flood and Noah’s Ark. The majority of scientists claim there never was a global Flood. Besides which, they claim, Noah couldn’t have fit all the animals on board—and that the boat would have sunk.

When children see the ‘bathtub ark’—what is it really saying to them? I suggest that, in a sense, it is reinforcing what the world is claiming: that Noah’s Ark was just a ‘story’ or ‘fairy tale,’ and that Noah couldn’t have accommodated all the animals on board—and certainly this kind of ark would not have survived a Flood. In the past, this issue may not have mattered as much, but in our present world, where the majority don’t want to believe they are sinners, under the judgment of a Holy God, they thus scoff at the event of Noah’s Flood.

I believe that, in a subtle but real way, the ‘bathtub arks’ help the world scoff at the account of Noah’s Ark and the Flood as given in the Bible. In fact, one of the accusations humanists make in their books and Web sites is that Noah could not have fit all the animals on board. The ‘bathtub ark’ certainly reinforces that." —Ken Ham, president, Answers in Genesis

"I'm having an affair."

I sure hope that guy from The Office can make this shit funny.

Let's see... a hastily-made ship filled with catatonic wildlife, plus weeks of heavy rain that shows no sign of letting up, equals: the last time I ever book a cruise through Travelocity!

See those dark sunglasses they're wearing? That's how you know it's a Noah's Ark gag with an edge.

"I really hope our last fertility treatment worked."

"The guy on Channel 4 said this rain could keep up all week."

"The shades aren't working. I can still see everyone we know perishing by flood."

"God, do I hate the smell of wet fur."

"Before you hear it from someone else: The male orangutan felt me up."

Guess who just used the "would you sleep with me if I were the last two-headed giraffe on earth" line.

"Those fucking giraffes told me they only paid half what we did."

You do I have to blow to get a bigger cabin around here?

"All of our friends and neighbors are dead."

"If the forecast is right, we'll have this for another 13 days and 13 nights."

Me and the lions are talking mutiny. You in?

I would love to but I am gay

I know you fucked that minx but it's ok. I've been going at it with the stallion.

Shouldn't we be inside, with the lightning and all

I was pretty surprised when the Sopranos ended with Tony and Carmela making off with the entire population of Great Adventure's Wild Safari. That, I said to my daughter, is a show about goddamned New-Fucking-Jersey! Go Knights!

"Only seven days in and already we lose moose and squirrel."

"I think Ham and Shem are fighting on the Aloha Deck again."

"I told you the unicorns were just too gay."

Can you believe that the only two humans on the ark were blind?

It's funny I don't miss the unicorns either

Remember how I said I got 2 of everything, well before we repopulate the human race, there's something you should know about my testicles.

That's it? His signature looks like the waves? I don't care if it was billed as 'pet friendly' Rita, this tour sucks balls.

All right, who brought the fucking ewoks?!

"Don't look now, but I think the male lion is actually a lesbian lioness wearing a ruff."

"This was a clever concept for the top of a building, but now I wish they'd built it a little taller."

"Hey, I can see my house from here! Cool."

"In retrospect, maybe you shouldn't have rushed out and gotten that vasectomy."

“I said CARNIVAL! Not Carnivore!”

Mr. Gore, do you really want this to be the first scene in your sequel "A Still Incovenient Truth"?

"it's awesome that the hampton jitney goes through brooklyn now."

Come on Harold, the giraffes are also waiting to do the "I'm flying" scene from Titanic.

"Yeah, you're 'KING OF THE WORLD' now, Noah, but all your subjects are dead."

"The showers here are obscene."

"Noah, you dolt, 40 day cruise is not a great deal if (a) you have to build the boat yourself and (b) we don't stop in Cabo."

"God, I hope we don't hit that iceberg."

"If being blind is genetic, then the rest of humanity is screwed."

"What's a cubit?"

"Did you remember to get the other tapeworm?"

"Dear, I think this cartoon depiction of us on Noah's Ark sends the wrong message to the kids: reinforcing the idea that the flood story is a big joke. Furthermore, that animatronic Abraham toy you bought them, that circumcizes itself and then tries to kill its son, is really freaking them out."

"Yes, my husband was upset to hear I cheated on him, but he's probably more upset about the fact that we stole his boat and his priceless menagerie of nervous-looking clockwork animals."

"Goddamn it, the Joneses have three of every animal."

"I wonder if he brought two of the norovirus?"

"Look, a very tiny island with two unicorns looking wistfully at us."

Wow, that Rozhon woman was right; this really is like standing in a shower and ripping up hundred-dollar bills.

Too bad she's choking on her last breath with all those other assholes on Fire Island.

Oh, and that was intended as a single entry.

"Quick, change direction! We're about to hit that jagged thing sticking out of that cloud!"

"Didja ever notice that representations of the Noah's Ark story tend to focus on large African animals?"

"What's the point of this lifeboat drill if the Ark has no lifeboats?"

"A bit extreme, but if this is what it takes to get rid of those pop culture fucktards at VH-1, I'm all for it."

Substitute this for my previous one:
"Pretty ironic, dontcha think, that we're having a lifeboat drill when the Ark itself is the ultimate lifeboat."

"I just hope the vinyl siding holds up."

"Honey, why is that cat wearing a Tudor ruff?"

"A Noah's-Ark cartoon. Gee, thanks, Morty. What, were all the cocktail-party and boss's-office gags filled?"

"I still think one-if-by-land would have been a lot less work."

"One more 'Riiiiiiiiight' out of you and I'm inventing keelhauling."

I don't know what it means either but he said he needed two A-holes and we got a free cruise so stop complaining.

"Let's look at the bright side. If you fart, nobody will know the difference."

"Next time you want to book us on a low-cost, tropical cruise, please read the fine print!"

"I don't know if it's the animal sounds, the pungent mix of smells or the rocking of the boat, but I got a sudden hankering to drop down right here and do it doggy style."

“All it’s done so far, Maury, is rain the entire ti..., Shit! I just broke a heel. FUCK!! Now what do I do? Anyway, all it’s done so far is rain.....”

"Everything is gone. It's all destroyed. There's no hope. We're doomed!....Wait, I see a Walmart."

I could really go for a cheeseburger right now.

"A floating zoo," you said..."People will love it"... I want a divorce.

"God has broken the Covenant of the Rainbow made in Genesis 9:11. Somehow, this is connected to 9/11."

"When you go a Christian college 'homecoming float' has a whole new meaning."

Uh 0h - sounds like the engine died. Damn Evinrudes.

"You know, tonight, we're eating at the captain's table."

"Disney's Lion King cruise sets off from Orlando and ends up in a hurricane."

"It's okay-- the hull of the boat will act as a Faraday cage."

"To be honest, I'd say we jumped the shark around when Vicki had her first kiss."

"So, the next time you talk to God, I'd like him to settle something once and for all: Is it pronounced BESTiality or BEASTiality?"

"Noah, I have a confession to make. I'm actually haplodiploid."

"We're fucked."

"There's no evidence that the warming was anthropogenic."

So will I fuck our daughter, or will our son?

"Let's settle in Jersey."

So, dear, what if we end up only having daughters? ... no matter what, our race must live on, right? right?

Alright, kids, there's enough actual stuff in the Bible to make fun of that we might as well nip this meme in the bud: Noah's sons wives were on board with the family. No incest necessary in this particular story.

Now let's move on to the Darren Aronofsky jokes.

"Well, the good news is Radosh has explained it all for us. The bad news is the kids want to go water-skiing."

I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking ark!

Any thoughts on how we are supposed to start making Chinese people?

"Not to nag, dear, but the front of your ark is terribly crooked."

“So, these are all the other couples that met at eHarmony.com?”

"To think we could have adopted some African kids if Bradgelina and Madonna hadn't gotten there first."

"I'm telling you we were picked for a reason, my dear Mr. bin Laden."

Uh-oh. I think I found the two crabs.

Apparently God prefers whites.

Goodness. Those Mexicans sure can swim!

You know that movie about people who are only sexually excited by car crashes? Yeah. Um. This is gonna be tricky. I'm dry as a bone.

One of the pandas just gave birth. The baby is so adorable! Just like in pictures. But there can be only two so... we're going to kill it.

And that's when Jumbo the elephant first thought of riding the lightning bolt.

So we put Marvin Gaye on as soon as it quits raining, right?

Any day now it is going to be a total fuckfest.

Honey, I've got some bad news... remember that conversation about interspecies relationships? Well watch out for the girafaman running around, it looks pissed.

Eatin's not cheatin'!

Why is that parrot screaming "fuck me with your big monkey dick before my husband wakes up"?

I spy with my little eye...something wet.

Just hang it over the side! Who gives a damn if the sheep watch you pee!!

"Um, Ham said he saw you naked?"

Honey, fetch me our copy of "Noah's Ark: A Feasibility Study" by John Woodmorappe. It's an in-depth study that provides detailed answers to the major criticisms of Noah’s Ark. How could Noah and his family have cared for 16,000 animals? How did they all survive for a year on the Ark? And especially, what did the carnivorous animals eat during and after the Flood? 'Cause those lions are looking at us and lickin' their chops. This book provides answers!

"Christopher Hitchens called and asked if we could swing by and pick him up. That fucking hypocrite."

Coming soon to Holy Land Disney...

"Look on the bright side -- this pretty much solves the mess in Iraq."

"I guess Al Gore was right. Too bad he missed the boat."

"I miss my iPod."

"If you hum one more bar of 'Singin' in the Rain,' the lemurs are going overboard."

"That makes three thousand, seven hundred and forty-two of us."

"You manage to herd a male and female from every species known to man, and yet you fail to bring just TWO golf umbrellas?! What a schmuck."

>>No incest necessary in this particular story.

The best things in life never are.

Necessary. Not incestuous. Or particular.

"I wanted us to have our own private island- you didn't have to bring your whole posse, Dr. Moreau."

"FYI, I'm going to bang Jeff Probst, make an alliance with the lions and then vote them off, and keep a mosquito around to face in the final vote so I can grab the million."

It's a good thing we have these sunglasses to protect us from those evil Hypno-Whales over there. The elephants are toast.

"Are you sure this is the wife-swap cruise?"

"Not I see a rat, I see Ararat. Never mind. This was a crummy idea for a reality show anyway."

"Yet another anchronism."

"I don't know. It just that, well... I was thinking that for the 100th cartoon they wouldn't do something quite so depressing, you know? IT'S THE HUNDREDTH ONE! And this is what they give us! I mean with the rain and the flood and everyone else drowning, and all the animals looking so God damned depressed. It just makes you want to slit your wrists, you know?"

"It's suppose to rain for forty days and forty nights and you can't even remember to bring an umbrella."

The map to Dryland is tattooed on my ass. The bad news is, anyone who looks at it shall be cursed to be a slave of slaves.

I was resigned to another summer of predictable big-budget sequels from Hollywood, but I expected more originality from God.

But what about the plants?

The waterskiing squirrel just got eaten by a shark.

FUCK! We're stuck on a fucking boat! You dick! And you, you fucking elephant! YOU SUCK!! This fucking sucks! Where am I supposed to take a shit?! FUUUCK!! ARRRGGHH SHIIIIIIIIIT!!! I'm on a fucking BOAT!! This SUUUUUUUUCKS!!

"If we land in China, we can adopt a little girl."

"'Will Boris and Natasha report to the Captain's cabin immediately?!' Those damned mooses and squirrels must have ratted us out!"

"Damn! I thought YOU were packing the fifty-foot oars!?"

"Wherever we land, I just hope they're a little lax with their 'pooper-scooper' laws."

"That Joey Fatone STILL has a big ass."

And how will the flood waters destroy all but two fish? So much for the "two of every creature" scenario. And what about the whales? They're actually mamamals. They'll all be just fine, while you and I are will probably catch pneumonia from standing in this downpour, since we obviously don't have enough sense to come in out of the rain. I guess Darwin was right, after all.

Yep, two of everything. So the Vegas acts are Manilow in the Starfish Lounge tonight and Tony Bennett in the Cove Cafe tomorrow.

I've heard that the epic tale of the Great Flood cuts across many cultures and generations, with its roots reaching back to into the mists of ancient lore. I just didn't think it would cut across this week's vacation, that's all.

I was definitely suicidal before I signed on to this cruise, but I believe the weather has just about nailed it.

"If we have a boy, let's call him 'Boy'; but if we have a girl, let's call her 'Rayne'".

Since James Cameron couldn't pull off a feasible sequel, he's now in pre-production on "Titanic: The Prequel"

"I'm glad the animals went on by twosies twosies. Especially those elephants and kangaroosies roosies. But when the rain stops, I bet they'll leave by threesies threesies. Birds and beesies beesies, you know."

"I have a feeling we're not be in Kansas anymore...but this little stunt may just get you a seat on their school board."

"I'm hungry. I guess I'll eat some of that leftover grilled mastodon."

"The showers here are tiger."

Are we there yet?

I guess this is a bad time to tell you that I am actually a drag queen.

So you made this out of shittum wood? It certainly smells like shittum.

"...back in college. and then i decided the responsible thing to do would be to get a vasectomy."

"i remembered my sunglasses, so you'd think i could have packed an umbrella."

"are those hatch-marks on the clouds also part of God's retrubution? cause i think they're nice."

"we'll have to settle in Utah, for the sake of our children."

"If this cruise is so literal, I'm not looking forward to the kindergarten Easter pageant."

"Nobody believed me, Noah, not even you! But from now on, everyone will know of the famous Naamah's Ark. And your name will become a mere footnote in biblical history."

Sally: "I can't swim" Noah: "That's why I built this f@#$n arc Sally!"

"Bad news, honey. I have two of every type of pubic louse."

"So, what's to eat around here?"

"I'm flying, Jack! I'm flying!"

"This is why I hate taking the last boat to Oak Bluffs."

"I got dibs on the Dodo in the 'Death Pool'."

“You’ve screwed up before, Harry, but this time it’s a screw-up of biblical proportion."

"I don't think your 'rally cap' is working, clyde."

I think he put us through this just to draw the waves. He always was jealous of Hirschfeld.

The giraffes are looking green Harold. I'd suggest you get some Dramamine down their throats pronto or we'll be knee deep in Noah's Barf.

"All right, have it your way - you heard a seal bark."

"Somebody forgot to take His prozac..."

I hear they're taping the final "Graven Idol" in the ballroom tonight.

Noah, you confuse me. You are religious enough to build an ark "Because God told you to"; but you fill 90% of it with unclean animals and you name our eldest son 'Ham'.

"Isn't it funny, how we're all in the same boat?"

Love...exciting a new.

In case this thing goes down, remember: shit floats.

Honey, the monkey has his hand on my butt—again!

"Can't this tub go any faster? Michael Jackson found out we stole his animals and is right behind us, in that sort of rocket-train-boat thingy from the 'Leave Me Alone' video."

"Well, obviously I didn't do it alone. I created a holding corporation, Noah's Arks, LLC. I rented out a warehouse so FedEx would have somewhere to ship the animals. I got some seed money from Abraham and Sons, that big VC firm. A writeup in Wheel 2.0 Magazine... The hype all led to a big IPO, etcetera etcetera. At one point, we were bigger than International Salt Corp. Well, you know, not in revenues, but market cap anyhow. We outsourced the hull design to some guys in Bangalore, and hired some Egyptians to bang it out. We had so much money left over, we got goddamn Herman Miller Aeron monkey cages. I took a huge hit when the ark sector plummeted back on Abysmal Wednesday. But then the rain started on Thursday, we were afloat on Friday, and well, I'd love to sell off some of that stock even now, but my broker isn't returning my calls. I might still be in a blackout period anyhow... What a ride though."

"We jaded, ironical New Yorkers are pretty hard to impress."

So 700 tons of shit and all the smelly wet fur is a test of faith?

Shut-up with the “Aboard the good ship Venus” ‘cos I’m not being the figurehead.

God… all this shit isn't funny!

Water, Water, everywhere and I need to pee.

"It's all the drowned babies I keep thinking about."

That outta take care of the in-laws.

"As per your request, Maury, I'm not wearing any underwear."

...and I do not like furries in the rain, et-seuss-fucking-cetera.

Go on, lick my trunk with your little, rough pussy tongue.

Man, that koolaid was strong. The giraffes are peaking already.

Damn, I really thought a unicorn could take a shark. Though he had been swimming for a couple days. A fully rested unicorn - now that could take a shark.

They all pretended not hear the screams of the unicorns coming from the wheelhouse, they were glad just to be alive and would sacrifice anything, even their peace of mind, to stay that way.

"Look, Stanley, I know you're some world-renowned blind engineer and everything, but, well, how do I put this gently?...aww, fuck it, here goes: what good is a tiny, one-doored, no-windowed, half-the-size-of-our-no-chinned-bodies shack going to do with all these beasts here?"

"And I thought I'd seen sunny days I thought would never end."

"I thought you said this was a three-hour tour?"

"I thought you said this was a three-hour tour?"

"I thought you said this was a three-hour tour?"

"Come out to South Fork for Memorial Day, you say. We'll cruise out on a yacht with some totally cool friends of mine, you say. Well, I know you can't control the weather but this is NOT a yacht and, I'm sorry, but your friends are a bunch of animals. Next time I'm taking the jitney."

No, don't take the Circle Line, you said, the Circle Line is for tourists, you said.

did i forget to mention i'm infertile?

did i forget to mention i'm infertile?

So Moses' wife called, and apparently, that friend of yours God promised He'd protect their ark from the Nazis with face-melting prejudice. Not for nothing, Noah, but this "rainbow" you negotiated better have face-melting capacities, or you end up looking like a serious faggot.

"Two of _everything_? Even Weinsteins?"

"What did the time travel agent say about this trip again? Pushing even one person off the ark would have trivial or very grave consequences?"

"It's true what they say, you don't realize how much you love animals until all but two of every kind are dead."

I should let you know my gender reassignment sugery was scheduled for next Thursay and I have about 40 days worth of hormone pills. After that, I might start looking less like Barb and more like Bob... again.

"There it is! I saw it! It was a green flash just after it went below the water."

"Did you turn off the gas?"

"Last night was incredible. That elephant trumpety thingee you did really turned me on."

"Shhh... Don't look back there now but Snoopy will devour Hoops and Yoyo sometime before sun up."

"Rick, I threw out your guitar collection and the 'Live at Buddakan' masters to make space for cocaine and my tearsheets."

"Sheesh. All I'm saying is that you didn't have to make it look like a penis."

"I told you they wouldn't get your 'How many beavers' joke."

"All this stress, government cheese and lack of privacy has my piles on fire. Can we stop for a stool softener and some cream?"

"Ummm, I know my MySpace says I'm into anal and all but I haven't really done it. Did you say you like Linkin Park? Oh, I could totally go for a triple Venti right now!"

"Please tell me you had them swallow the uppers in plastic baggies."

"The T. rex would like some more coconuts."

One bunny in the back to the other bunny in the back: "Do you think that if we survive this that those two humans will eventually skin us for our soft, velvety fur and then eat us, too? If that's the case, then this hardly seems worth the effort."

correction to my entry about 51 entries above:
mamamals = mammals, unless, of course, you think the cutline is more effective if the woman stutters, then you can read it as it is.

Perhaps you meant manimal?

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