The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #99
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winnner
"Do you have shooting pains? Haha... sorry, doctor joke. You're going to die." Pyn
Finalists
"You're going to be fine! That's what I'd be telling you, if you weren't fatally wounded by five arrows." Walt
"I'm going to prescribe Lunestra, because they gave me a free mouse pad." t.a.m.s.y.
Honorable Mention
"I'm sorry to say, it looks like your insurance only covers the slings of outrageous fortune." Shawn
“Your cholesterol and PSA levels are normal, but if that arrow count gets any higher we'll have to carpet bomb the reservation.” dwilk
"We've found the problem Mr. Porter. You trusted an indian." Mssr. Bouf la Tete
"By any chance, did you get that vest at Target?" Jim M
"It's called 'acupuncture'. I studied it in China." JohnnyB
"For a symbol of individualism your existence is pretty heavily subsidized by the state. What with the land grants and state genocides and railroad subsidies and all. Do you realize the land grants alone constitute the largest federal welfare program in the history of the universe? And you come in and complain your kid shot you with toy arrows? Please, I've got things to do. The army's not paying me to not give these blankets smallpox." TG Gibbon
"Your wife and two young daughters were killed in the attack. I'm truly sorry." Sam L.
"Somebooody robbed a casiiiinooo." Nabob
"Hi, I'm Dr. House. First, you're an asshole. Second, your chest is full of arrows. Third, I can't believe people are still watching me do this after three years." Tim C
"Bandages? We ain't got no bandages. You don't need no bandages. I don't have to give you any stinking bandages!" LV
"Because if I don't stare at your hat I will seriously freak the fuck out right now." skeeelz
"What did you expect when you tried to take his reservation?" (take a minute to get this one......there you go. i thought it was brilliant.) Vin Coca
"I don't want to blame the victim here, but you are dressed a bit provocatively." al in la
"My preliminary diagnosis is that you've been shot several times with arrows." John Tabin
Comments
"You've been shot."
"I warned you that if the erection lasted more than four hours, there would be serious consequences."
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 14, 2007 9:29 AM
"'Don't snitch'? That's a good moral code, my friend."
"It's called 'acupuncture'. I studied it in China."
"The operation was a success, but we may have left some surgical arrows in there. We'll have to go back in and check."
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 14, 2007 9:49 AM
Next time you put a vest on, check first and make sure it doesn't have arrows stuck in it.
These call-outs will point out some of your fashion errors. The nurse will be in soon to add the text labels to them.
Posted by: Walt | May 14, 2007 9:53 AM
"The arrow through the heart gag? You've still got it, Mr. Martin!"
Posted by: Dashiell | May 14, 2007 9:58 AM
"150 years pass, and NOW you decide you this looked at?"
Posted by: abe | May 14, 2007 10:00 AM
should have "... you want this looked at?"
Posted by: abe | May 14, 2007 10:01 AM
Chief Weak Bow, you say? I've had some run-ins with that hombre myself. In fact, he's the one who tore my diploma and my desert-landscape-out-a-window poster in half, and crazy-glued this ABBA CD to my forehead.
Posted by: Walt | May 14, 2007 10:06 AM
"Hurray! It's not contagious!"
"Serves you right you racist, imperialist, child-murdering, land-stealing, cow-abusing, hat-wearing fuck."
"Of course I can't help you! This is olden times!"
"Did you like the fruit basket I sent? [please say yes, please say yes]"
"For a symbol of individualism your existence is pretty heavily subsidized by the state. What with the land grants and state genocides and railroad subsidies and all. Do you realize the land grants alone constitute the largest federal welfare program in the history of the universe? And you come in and complain your kid shot you with toy arrows? Please, I've got things to do. The army's not paying me to not give these blankets smallpox."
"Don't worry I have a balm for that. Should clear up...hm, never. Is never good for you?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 14, 2007 10:10 AM
"Arrows don't kill people. People kill people. Of course, the arrows do help."
Posted by: Deborah | May 14, 2007 10:29 AM
"Diagnosis: Emphysema."
Posted by: J | May 14, 2007 10:43 AM
"Oh boy oh boy, my first actual patient! OK, now, what seems to be the problem, sir?"
"I must confess I'm not clear on why you sought out me, a gynecologist, for this."
"Hey, is that an Arrow shirt? Ha! Get it? Hooo-boy."
Posted by: Vance | May 14, 2007 10:47 AM
"Hey, you know what I just noticed? We buy our ties at the same store!"
"I'd really like to see you getting more exercise."
Posted by: Brian T | May 14, 2007 10:54 AM
Whoopee ti yi yo, get along, little doggie. You know that Wyoming will be your new home....
Dr. what?? New kind of treatment?? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...you have mistaken me for someone else my friend...now, sing...I said SING!
Posted by: simsburybear | May 14, 2007 10:54 AM
"So, how do you get into cowboying? I'm sick of my own archetypal profession."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 14, 2007 11:01 AM
"We've run some tests, and the arrows pose no immediate risk. However, you do have Tiny Feet Syndrome."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | May 14, 2007 11:03 AM
"Yes, my new receptionist, Alice Walking Bear, certainly is sensitive about her cultural heritage. Now what can I do for you?"
Posted by: Francis | May 14, 2007 11:04 AM
"So you say the one in your ass hurts the most?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 14, 2007 11:10 AM
"We've got to stop meeting like this. For one thing, you're down to about a pint of blood. And for another, I've met someone else."
Posted by: Vance | May 14, 2007 11:11 AM
"Yes, a proctology exam is absolutely customary for this condition."
Posted by: Richard | May 14, 2007 11:11 AM
"Well, Tex, I can't quit you either, but what say we take care of these nasty arrows first?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 14, 2007 11:13 AM
"The most advanced case of anachronism since the guy with the briefcase beset by Huns -- I'll be damned if I lose another one."
Posted by: abe | May 14, 2007 11:14 AM
"Tell ya what. I'll only charge you half, because, as you can see, I only have half a diploma."
Posted by: Tim H | May 14, 2007 11:16 AM
"Uh huh, but, see, they did take your mind off the headache, didn't they?"
Posted by: Vance | May 14, 2007 11:18 AM
[I would like to retract my previous entry as too close to an actual NY contest entry. Instead I submit this version:]
"Now you see why our slogan is 'Hiccups Gone or Your Money Back!'"
Posted by: Vance | May 14, 2007 11:22 AM
Hi I'm a first year medical intern. So what brings you in today?
Posted by: Joe | May 14, 2007 11:27 AM
It turns out you're insurance is only willing to pay to remove 2 arrows, so I figured I'd push them all into your gallbladder and bill it as a cholecystectomy.
Posted by: Joe | May 14, 2007 11:31 AM
"By any chance, did you get that vest at Target?"
Posted by: Jim M | May 14, 2007 11:33 AM
"So you say you're having trouble removing your vest?"
Posted by: Francis | May 14, 2007 11:46 AM
"No, you use the arrows to navigate and the spacebar to shoot."
(damn, over the quota again.)
Posted by: JohnnyB | May 14, 2007 11:51 AM
"Would you like to join me in a chorus of Connie Francis's 1958 hit 'Stupid Cupid'?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 14, 2007 11:55 AM
"Let me see, Tex, if I got this straight: You got in an argument with a guy because you told him that even though you were born in Louisiana, ain't nobody gonna call you 'Louise'?"
Posted by: Tim H | May 14, 2007 12:00 PM
"But of course you're wondering why I wear a CD on my head."
"Try not to bleed; we ran out of the paper we usually have on the table."
"You shot at least one of them; I treated him for a wounded knee."
"I told you not to play St. Sebastian in the Dry Gulch 'Lives of the Saints' Pageant."
Posted by: Jim M | May 14, 2007 12:04 PM
Special George Carlin As Guest Host of Saturday Night News, November 10, 1984, Entry: "Is that a brand new vest? You have to take the arrows out of it before you put it on. You're a moron, Kroeger."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | May 14, 2007 12:12 PM
"The arrows are a problem, but more important is the fact that we are sinking in quicksand."
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 14, 2007 12:17 PM
TG - I actually remember that fucking skit. Probably because it's when I decided never to watch the show again.
Posted by: radosh | May 14, 2007 12:18 PM
"The arrows here are obscene."
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 14, 2007 12:22 PM
"That's a BAD case of sunburn. You'd better start using sun blocker, or it could lead to skin cancer."
Posted by: Richard | May 14, 2007 12:23 PM
"I think your decision to turn around after getting two in the back was not the best."
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 14, 2007 12:33 PM
"Okay, take off that hat and let's have a look."
Posted by: jmt | May 14, 2007 12:50 PM
"...and then Romo bobbles the snap. That's gotta hurt. Maybe not as much as having five arrows sunk deep in your torso. But still."
Posted by: J | May 14, 2007 1:00 PM
"Abe, I think the most anachronistic was cave man vs highway patrolman."
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 14, 2007 1:02 PM
"I want to say one word to you. Just one word: Plastic Surgery. Well, two words, I guess. Sorry about that."
Posted by: Andrew | May 14, 2007 1:23 PM
"I'm going to prescribe Lunestra, because they gave me a free mouse pad."
"I'm afraid the damage to your spine is permanent. You'll never walk again."
"Mylanta."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | May 14, 2007 1:24 PM
"Oftentimes, the most important advice I give concerns lifestyle modifications."
Posted by: doc | May 14, 2007 1:34 PM
stcoleridge: yes, that was an even more severe case of anachronism, but, importantly, hardly life threatening...
Posted by: abe | May 14, 2007 1:43 PM
"So, Mr. Imus, you got attacked by a bunch of nappy headed Navajos?"
Posted by: mypalmike | May 14, 2007 1:49 PM
"Your wife and two young daughters were killed in the attack. I'm truly sorry."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 14, 2007 2:09 PM
"You think it hurts? Wait until I rip them out of your flesh without anaesthetics, like I'm going to do RIGHT NOW!"
Posted by: Dave | May 14, 2007 2:13 PM
Now I'm not saying it's definitely your prostate. I'm just saying I want to check out that angle.
Posted by: CG | May 14, 2007 2:14 PM
Look at the bright side, they missed your cock!
Posted by: CG | May 14, 2007 2:16 PM
At least it's not a broke back. Get it? Like the movie?
Posted by: CG | May 14, 2007 2:17 PM
That's funny. Usually they're too drunk to hit anything.
Posted by: CG | May 14, 2007 2:20 PM
"I like how we're both wearing our stereotype costumes."
"I have some bad news: you have AIDS."
Posted by: Harry | May 14, 2007 2:20 PM
“I thought I told you to stay away from red meat.”
Posted by: dwilk | May 14, 2007 2:21 PM
"The arrows should be easy to remove, but the MRI revealed what is likely a terminal brain tumor. We have to run more tests, but it doesn't look good."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 14, 2007 2:22 PM
"You look surprisingly calm for someone who has five arrows sticking out of him."
"Carol! Did you put this here? Looks like you got me again!"
Posted by: Harry | May 14, 2007 2:22 PM
“Your cholesterol and PSA levels are normal, but if that arrow count gets any higher we'll have to carpet bomb the reservation.”
Posted by: dwilk | May 14, 2007 2:25 PM
"The police just entered your attacker's home. He drowned his wife and son and shot himself."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 14, 2007 2:25 PM
"Would you like to lick off the arrows after I pull them out? It's good luck."
Posted by: Sam L. | May 14, 2007 2:26 PM
Somebooody robbed a casiiiinooo.
Posted by: Nabob | May 14, 2007 2:37 PM
A boob-eye says what?
Posted by: Spunkmeyer | May 14, 2007 2:39 PM
What a coincidence! I just treated that indian in a room next door! Sent him home with a smallpox blanket. Problem solved.
Posted by: Spunkmeyer | May 14, 2007 2:43 PM
We've found the problem Mr. Porter. You trusted an indian.
Posted by: Mssr. Bouf la Tete | May 14, 2007 2:46 PM
"I'm referring you to a specialist."
Posted by: stcoleridge | May 14, 2007 2:48 PM
Howdy! Welcome to Dr. Dusty's Fix 'n Go of Cactus Flats. You're my first patient in five years.
Posted by: Mike C | May 14, 2007 3:10 PM
The good news is, you're dead.
Posted by: Tom Hogg | May 14, 2007 3:13 PM
"I'm going to give you a local anaesthetic to help ease the pain when I pull the arrows out. You might feel a little prick. And by 'little prick' I of course mean I'm underendowed and am planning on mercilessly sodomizing you before I do it."
Posted by: David John | May 14, 2007 3:14 PM
"You're bleeding, Mr. Whittaker. That means you're not pregnant."
"Only one of us is going to walk out of this room alive, mister. And judging by your multiple arrow wounds, it ain't gonna be you."
"See what happens when you ignore the 'Please Don't Sit On The Freshly Shined Table' sign? Tsk, tsk."
Posted by: Rubrick | May 14, 2007 3:17 PM
"Oh, my bad. I thought you said 'sparrows'."
Posted by: Rubrick | May 14, 2007 3:19 PM
I hope you've learned your lesson, Mr. Rodsky. "William Tell" is NOT a game to play by yourself.
Posted by: Mike C | May 14, 2007 3:28 PM
"Owwhh! Phantasm death ball. Drilling its way through my cranium. Really hurts!"
Posted by: David John | May 14, 2007 3:30 PM
Poo-poo, pee-pee, doo-doo, fart blossom. I am a doctor and I can cuss in my office if I want to.
Posted by: Unloved | May 14, 2007 3:47 PM
Fuck! It's like someone yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they said "Nevermind".
Posted by: Mr. Clean | May 14, 2007 3:53 PM
I'm a proctologist.
Posted by: Thin Lizzie | May 14, 2007 3:55 PM
We're like the Village People but with more doctor and less butt-sex.
Posted by: Abulafia | May 14, 2007 3:59 PM
I'm afraid it's the Big A.
Posted by: Man-cough | May 14, 2007 4:01 PM
Grab shaft and rub vigorously.
Posted by: Placebo | May 14, 2007 4:03 PM
"Eros, Dusty, Eros. "
Posted by: danny | May 14, 2007 4:04 PM
I'd like to recheck your prostate in a few years and I'm going to proscribe something for the high blood pressure but everything else looks good. Now, should we take a look at these arrows?
Posted by: Fred | May 14, 2007 4:19 PM
So, Mr. Whittington, you say your old pal, Vice President Cheney, has taken up bow-hunting? Why do you still hang out with that guy?
Posted by: Ogdred | May 14, 2007 4:20 PM
Oh, I totally agree! Ted Nugent is a dick!
Posted by: Ogdred | May 14, 2007 4:24 PM
Hey! Too bad they don't have little suction-cups on the end instead of arrowheads, ain't it? That sure would be a lot less life-threatening, huh? Boy, would it ever! Golly-gee-whillikers, but life is a crazy thing!
(Author's note: the world is just zany as all fuck.)
Posted by: Ogdred | May 14, 2007 4:37 PM
"Fascinating. Go on."
Posted by: danny | May 14, 2007 4:46 PM
"Valentine's Day can be tough on a polygamist."
Posted by: al in la | May 14, 2007 4:57 PM
"I hope this isn't some ruse you cooked up to get another bottle of pain-killin' whiskey out of me, you rascally varmint, you."
Posted by: Francis | May 14, 2007 5:18 PM
"Hi, I'm Dr. House. First, you're an asshole. Second, your chest is full of arrows. Third, I can't believe people are still watching me do this after three years."
Posted by: Tim C. | May 14, 2007 5:25 PM
... Okay, so then, after dropping nearly $500 on dinner, plus another $150 on champagne, I'm driving her home in my Z4 M Roadster -- you ever drive one? You gotta check them out, man. Baby's a sweet ride. So, you know, it's a beautiful night and I decide to take the scenic route, right? To help her get in the mood, right? So, we're driving along and I'm telling her all about this fine piece of German engineering that she's so fortunate to be riding in, because, in my experience -- and this is just a little tip for you, buddy -- chicks totally groove on a sportscar. It's like catnip to them, man. Total panty-peeler! So, we finally pull up to her place, right? And I lean in for a little kiss, thinkin', you know, let the games begin! Let's prime that pump, right? Draw those curtains, baby, and start the show! You know what I'm sayin'? So, I lean in and you know what she does? She gives me just the tiniest little peck! And I'm like, "are you kidding me? A closed-mouth kiss? On a second date?!" So, I said, "baby, you know I've earned more than that" and I lean in, but she pulls away, saying something about how things are just moving too fast and she's just not sure that she's ready for all this and blah-dee-blahblahblah and finally I just said, "you know what? Get the fuck out of my car, you little cocktease!" I mean, come on! Seven-hundred and fifty bucks I spend on this broad! Plus the $300 from the week before? Which means I'm into this chick for over a grand, and this is the shit she pulls? Fuck that! Oh, and get this: the next day, she e-mails me and tells me I'm a narcissist! A narcissist! Can you believe that shit!?
Posted by: Ogdred | May 14, 2007 5:43 PM
Didja see that nurse with the big tits? I'm fucking her!
Posted by: Tom | May 14, 2007 6:28 PM
"The arrows, huh? That's why you came to see me? I woulda guessed chin implant."
Posted by: David John | May 14, 2007 6:52 PM
"Listen, I'm as much of a Mishima fan as the next guy, but I'm telling you, as your doctor, you're taking the eroticization of Saint Sebastian's suffering a bit too far."
Posted by: Michael | May 14, 2007 6:54 PM
"No voting system based on ranked preferences, where there are three or more options to choose from, can meet the following set of criteria: universality, monotonicity, non-imposition, non-dictatorship, and independence of irrelevant alternatives. But enough about Arrow's impossibility theorem, demonstrated by Nobel Prize-winning economist Kenneth Arrow in his PhD thesis. Do you have a medical problem?"
Posted by: John Tabin | May 14, 2007 6:57 PM
Your face is awfully sunburned. Can I touch it?
Posted by: Brian L | May 14, 2007 8:56 PM
You're the victim of a quack. There's no such thing as a nicotine Apache.
Posted by: Jay Stern | May 14, 2007 9:44 PM
Doctor, I think you've made your point.
Posted by: Aaron | May 14, 2007 9:46 PM
"I wish I knew how to quit you."
"And this all happened after you referred to them as 'red-skinned Injuns', Mr. Imus?"
"OK, you were in a lecture at Texas Tech and a Native American opened fire- so how's the rest of the class?"
Posted by: LV | May 14, 2007 9:53 PM
- You think you've got it bad? Look at me! I have a webbed left hand, a super tiny thumb on the right, and to top it all off, I opened the only private clinic in the middle of the desert. Go elsewhere.
- Dick Cheney's at it again, huh?
- Looks like the work of Cupid.
- Indian threesomes aren't exactly what you think they are.
Posted by: John Fillingsteeth | May 14, 2007 10:05 PM
"Are you going to die? Good question. Let's consult that Ouija board behind you."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 14, 2007 11:54 PM
"Well, Mr. _(Proper Noun)_, you seem to be suffering from _(Minor nuisance)_. I'm going to prescribe _(noun)_-cillin. Also, _(Verb)_ over, I'm going to have _(Body part)_ sex with you."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 15, 2007 12:08 AM
"Is it a sharp pain, or more of a dull throbbing pain? Uh huh. And would you say it's worse when you lie on your stomach or on your back? I see. Well, that could be any number of things. Have you tried sleeping on your side?"
"You give love a bad name. I play my part and you play your game. You give love a bad name. Catchy, isn't it? It just came to me."
"Man, why does everybody think I'm a proctologist? What is it with the latent homoeroticism around here? Do I give off some sort of proctologydar?"
Posted by: Mark | May 15, 2007 12:31 AM
Maybe "shoot" wasn't the smartest safety word.
Posted by: Dex | May 15, 2007 12:53 AM
"I'm dying to know did the Indians circle around you like in the movies? That always struck me as a questionable strategy. Speaking of questionable strategies, just what was yours?"
Posted by: doc | May 15, 2007 5:10 AM
"Sorry, that happens sometimes - our office is right next to the abortion clinic. They usually just target the women, though."
Posted by: Deborah | May 15, 2007 7:15 AM
“Your blood work and EKG results came back yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay.”
Posted by: dwilk | May 15, 2007 7:27 AM
Bet you wish they were Indian givers, eh?
And when I snap my fingers you will wake up unable to remember a thing and feeling blissfully well-rested.
What can I do-ya-for, Mr. Brosnan?
Posted by: Amy | May 15, 2007 7:44 AM
"My late boyfriend had the same piercings you do.
Allow me to explain."
"The receptionist says you pulled out a gold nugget for your co-pay. Well played, pardner, well played."
"There is just one thing that concerns me, however. If that place was already being called *Bighorn*, what were they thinking when they put the word *Little* into its name? I for one do not thing that this matter has been adequately addressed, no sir, not by a longshot. No offense."
Posted by: RichM | May 15, 2007 10:17 AM
(think, not thing)
Posted by: RichM | May 15, 2007 10:18 AM
I'd love to pull those arrows out for you but, as you can see, my left arm is useless and I need my right arm to prop myself up against this table. Perhaps you ought to go see a real doctor rather than a poorly drawn one.
Posted by: Tom | May 15, 2007 10:35 AM
All this because you tried to pay them Sacagawea dollars?
Posted by: MM | May 15, 2007 10:59 AM
"I've always wanted to be a stunt man, but, you know, with a husband and all..."
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 15, 2007 11:06 AM
"Well, what did you expect after littering?? It's all about reducing your carbon footprint, my man."
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 15, 2007 11:06 AM
"When you were a kid, did you say, 'When I grow up I wanna be a COWBOY - one who's shot through with arrows'?"
Posted by: Vance | May 15, 2007 11:19 AM
Thanks to advances in Natural Orifice Surgery, we'll be removing two of the arrows through your anus and three through your nose.
Posted by: Ogdred | May 15, 2007 11:30 AM
I regret super gluing my hand to this table as you are quite heavy.
Arrow you insured? Get it? I replaced "Are" with "Arrow" which is a humorous play on words. But seriously, if you aren't insured get out.
When you say your Indian wife did this, is that Indian as in dot, or as in feather?
Super. Glued. Hand. Can't. Hold. Table. Much. Longer.
Posted by: MotivationalBuck.com | May 15, 2007 11:36 AM
"Never have rough sex with an Apache."
Posted by: gray nixon | May 15, 2007 12:33 PM
"This is what happens when you count cards at Mohegan Sun."
Posted by: gray nixon | May 15, 2007 12:37 PM
"Thank God! Now there'll be no more of your inane comments about life being pointless."
Posted by: Dave | May 15, 2007 1:04 PM
"Sorry. Your insurance only kicks in with six arrow wounds. However, there are ways around that. Wait right here."
Posted by: Dave | May 15, 2007 1:07 PM
Now let's have a listen to your ticker here and see if we can't figure out what's causing these nasty little chest pains.
Posted by: emily miletello | May 15, 2007 1:35 PM
Honest to God- this table is 100% stainless steel. Sure it's a little cold, but MUCH easier to clean than the old wooden tables we've been using.
Posted by: emily miletello | May 15, 2007 1:39 PM
Oh my God, you've been shot! From the back and the front! Get the hell out of my office, you cowardly cheating son of a bitch...
Posted by: emily miletello.... | May 15, 2007 1:44 PM
"Homer you've lost weight. I imagine Marge is not easy to live with. How's Lisa? Has she begun menstruating?"
Posted by: danny | May 15, 2007 1:47 PM
Let's start with the obvious issueyou have hooves.
Posted by: Ben | May 15, 2007 1:49 PM
"Well, they were sure right about global warming. As a climate researcher at Woods Hole, I saw it coming and I got the hell out of Cape Cod just days before the mega-tsunami. I knew Alaska would be the only place spared on the continent, so I booked the first flight here. Sadly, it was also the last flight. Sorry, enough about me. I love your costume. With this weather, it's hard to believe this is a Halloween party. More punch?"
Posted by: mypalmike | May 15, 2007 2:04 PM
"You're shot up with more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. Which means of course your care requires a little something extra- you need Mayo."
"Almost. This is the Korn Bone Marrow Clinic. Down the road a piece you'll find the Corn Pone Arrow Clinic."
Posted by: LR | May 15, 2007 4:08 PM
"I'm thinking this was a Mafia hit, given the multiple kill shots. Did you cross someone at the casino? You see I'm kind of an amateur detective. Frankly, I'm kind of an amateur doctor. But thats probably the last thing you want to hear right now. Of course, it may well be the last thing you hear for all I know."
Posted by: doc | May 15, 2007 4:23 PM
The X-rays indicate that none of the arrows punctured a vital organ. You're really quite fortunate to be alive. We will have to operative immediately to remove the arrows and repair the tissue damage. But the prognosis is good.
Posted by: Zack | May 15, 2007 4:33 PM
(two attempts at anti-anti-captions:)
"My legs? No, my legs are fine, that's just normal panel framing. Of course I'm sure. I'm a doctor, you dolt."
You're going to be fine! That's what I'd be telling you, if you weren't fatally wounded by five arrows.
Posted by: Walt | May 15, 2007 5:04 PM
I suppose that that there are many movies, maybe even musicals, that you would enjoy more than five arrows piercing your torso. But I can't think of any right now.
Posted by: SK | May 15, 2007 7:49 PM
Whoa, Cowboy, what's the rush? Staff is placing bets on whether you die with your boots on, so you're not going anywhere for a couple of hours.
Posted by: SK | May 15, 2007 8:27 PM
When I was an undergrad, I was in a band called 'Tight Tiny Boots.' And then you show up. Strange, huh?
Posted by: SK | May 15, 2007 8:30 PM
"Bandages? We ain't got no bandages. You don't need no bandages. I don't have to give you any stinking bandages!"
Posted by: LV | May 15, 2007 9:24 PM
The last time I saw a case like this was...hell, I ain't never seen nothin' like this, partner!
Posted by: Shawn | May 15, 2007 11:21 PM
You should be dead. But let's not let that stop me from killing you.
Posted by: Shawn | May 15, 2007 11:24 PM
I'm sorry to say, it looks like your insurance only covers the slings of outrageous fortune.
Posted by: Shawn | May 15, 2007 11:56 PM
So I said to the nurse 'No! The reason we never put patients in room 3 is because that's where I keep my taxidermy cowboy.' and she gave me this look like I was crazy!
Posted by: firebus | May 16, 2007 2:21 AM
Do you have shooting pains? Haha... sorry, doctor joke. You're going to die.
Posted by: Pyn | May 16, 2007 5:10 AM
Because if I don't stare at your hat I will seriously freak the fuck out right now.
Posted by: skeeelz | May 16, 2007 5:17 AM
“I’ll take care of those entry wounds after YOU take care of the load Buttermilk dumped on the waiting room floor.”
Posted by: dwilk | May 16, 2007 6:59 AM
“Prognosis? Shit! Reverend Falwell died and he didn’t even have any arrows sticking in him!”
Posted by: dwilk | May 16, 2007 7:13 AM
"Your vacant stare, as well as the arrows lodged in your organs, lead me to believe you're already dead...but let's give the leeches a shot anyways."
Posted by: Marcee | May 16, 2007 10:35 AM
"You have the Tontovirus."
"I'm gonna get you, bet you drunk/Get you drunk off my 'lady-humps.'"
"I've heard of cowpokes, but this is ridiculous! Seriously, it's fuckin' nuts."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | May 16, 2007 11:28 AM
"Looks like they got you good, huh? Hey, did you hear the one about the Indian rodeo? Sorry- not funny, I know. Oh my...[light chuckle]"
Posted by: Michael in LA | May 16, 2007 12:55 PM
When you say your wife did this, is she Indian as in dot, or as in feather?
(tweaked my earlier submission)
Posted by: MotivationalBuck.com | May 16, 2007 1:58 PM
What about the rest of the Village People? Is the military guy riddled with bullets? Does the construction worker have rivets all in him? Is Leatherman, I don't know, being attacked by PETA even as we speak? Because, you know, he is clothed in leather?
Posted by: kejo | May 16, 2007 4:57 PM
"There's nothing I can do. However, I'd be happy to refer you to a specialist. His name is Dr. Kevorkian."
Posted by: mypalmike | May 16, 2007 5:13 PM
Take two aspro's and call me if your not feeling better tomorrow.
Ok it hurts a little but only drastic measures cure flatulence.
So you got the point - stop flirting with the chief's bucks.
Posted by: Les | May 16, 2007 6:51 PM
"The bad news is that, no, I'm not a real doctor. The good news is that I'm AWESOME at Jenga."
Posted by: J | May 16, 2007 8:43 PM
Well Sam, I've got a cream for the genital warts you got from 'Smells Like Spring Flowers'...
Posted by: PO_w/da_BO | May 17, 2007 2:59 AM
"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most sultry Homer Simpson eyes?"
Posted by: PO_w/da_BO | May 17, 2007 3:13 AM
"Motherfucker Tim! If you weren't a Paladin with 1300+ healing and 14k armor you'd be toast. Good thing you did a flash heal but you need to do a better job mitigating damage maybe hang with a Warrior holding aggro or something. As your Alchemist I worry about your health. I hope that doesn't sound gay."
Posted by: PO_w/da_BO | May 17, 2007 4:03 AM
“What did you expect when you tried to take his reservation?”
take a minute to get this one......there you go. i thought it was brilliant.
Posted by: Vin Coca | May 17, 2007 9:51 AM
I told you it would be a bad idea to invite your 5 ex-wives to the reunion, thought I must say their aim is improving.
Posted by: Joe | May 17, 2007 11:01 AM
"You have an acute case of owie pointy sticky."
Posted by: Francis | May 17, 2007 11:47 AM
But before we get started, there's something I've always wanted to know: Why do they call it a "ten-gallon hat"?
Just between you and me, I'm also a Stetson man.
How did you do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?
Posted by: gary | May 17, 2007 12:13 PM
"What you mean, "uninsured," white man?
Posted by: James | May 17, 2007 12:15 PM
"Oh god, is my doctor coming on to me? Great--now I've pissed the table ... Did I remember to buy horse insurance this year? Oh, I hate being the world's only Cowboy with an Interior Monologue!"
Posted by: Fnord | May 17, 2007 12:58 PM
"My preliminary diagnosis is that you've been shot several times with arrows."
Posted by: John Tabin | May 17, 2007 1:36 PM
You're not going to believe this, but I just saw an Indian with a terrible case of carpal tunnel.
Posted by: Ben | May 17, 2007 2:32 PM
Every non-idiot knows there's no thimerosal in arrows!
Posted by: Arthur | May 17, 2007 4:12 PM
"So you say the Vice President is into bow hunting now?"
Posted by: The Mullet | May 17, 2007 4:29 PM
"Bet your feeling like a big jackass about now..."
Posted by: The Mullet | May 17, 2007 4:31 PM
"Well, for starters, I'm going to have to ask you to take off your vest..."
Posted by: The Mullet | May 17, 2007 4:32 PM
"I'm sorry Bill, but Wild West Medical Insurance Company clearly states they don't pay for any injuries having to do with 'Saloon wind-urs, diny-mite, or double-crossin' injuns.'"
Posted by: The Mullet | May 17, 2007 4:39 PM
"C'mon cowboy. Just drop your pants and bend over for me. You've been stuck five times already. You'll hardly even notice number 6."
Posted by: The Mullet | May 17, 2007 4:41 PM
Now Johnnie... didn't I tell you that the boys down at the club would throw firey darts at you if you wore those totally bitch'n hi-heels? Umm...Umm...Umm
Posted by: D Kuhn | May 17, 2007 7:25 PM
WOW Ned, you must of really pissed off that cactus... not only did he shoot you full of arrows... but if you look out the window, he is still giving you the finger...
Posted by: D Kuhn | May 17, 2007 7:41 PM
[Arthur: I LOL'd.]
Posted by: John Tabin | May 17, 2007 9:12 PM
"I'm sorry to say, but once extracted, your body won't be able to withstand the trauma inflicted by the arrow that pierced your heart. Your wife is waiting outside if the two of you would like to exchange final farewells."
Posted by: David John | May 18, 2007 6:15 AM
"Well, the president says you're doing a heckuva-job running the Bureau of Indian Affairs."
Posted by: al in la | May 18, 2007 12:55 PM
"Of course I know what I'm doing. The AMA didn't name me 'Worst Acupuncturist of the Year' for nothing."
Posted by: J | May 18, 2007 5:44 PM
"...Indian Affairs.' Heh. And the next one is, 'Of course I know what I'm doing, The AMA didn't name me Worst Acupuncturist of the Year for nothing!!" HA! Get it? Come on, pal, laughter's the best medicine. So, the next one goes..."
Posted by: Vance | May 18, 2007 10:24 PM
"This is strange. I just took care of an Indian who laughed his ass off!"
Posted by: Greg | May 19, 2007 11:57 AM
"Yes, mail order Indian brides can have a temper."
Posted by: Greg | May 19, 2007 12:01 PM
"....let me get this straight.... after the second one, YOU yelled, "I bet you can't do that again!", then after the third one......."
Posted by: Greg | May 19, 2007 12:04 PM
"Lay off that Trail Ride
Beef with Magnet Sauce, ok?"
Posted by: Greg | May 19, 2007 12:08 PM
"You think you've got problems! I have only 3 fingers on my left hand!"
Posted by: DoctorJoeE | May 19, 2007 5:47 PM
"I don't want to blame the victim here, but you are dressed a bit provocatively."
Posted by: al in la | May 19, 2007 7:02 PM
Hey cowboy, looks like cupid wants me to play doctor with you.
Posted by: Caption Boy | May 19, 2007 7:48 PM
Sorry, but your insurance doesn't cover self-inflicted wounds.
Posted by: Dex | May 19, 2007 11:09 PM
"Sure, I can give you a hernia exam. But it's fifty bucks more if you want a happy ending. And that's out-of-pocket, if you catch my drift."
Posted by: David F | May 19, 2007 11:12 PM
"Well, first of all, when he said the thing about being 'the last man to die for a mistake,' he was talking about an entirely different war. And second, if it's any consolation, you don't have to worry about being the last."
"I'll give it to you straight: You're probably going to die. Moreover, somewhere out there, thousands of sick fucks are looking at you and making jokes about it."
Posted by: jmt | May 20, 2007 4:39 AM
Judging from the angle of the shafts, either they were f-ing tall indians or you were lower than your attackers... Damn, I would have made a great CSI
Posted by: Johnny V | May 20, 2007 8:27 AM
Good news, turns out it's just heart burn.
Posted by: Accusation | January 25, 2008 9:00 PM