RRbanner.jpg

May 14, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #99

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

070521_contest_p465.jpg

Winnner
"Do you have shooting pains? Haha... sorry, doctor joke. You're going to die." —Pyn

Finalists
"You're going to be fine! That's what I'd be telling you, if you weren't fatally wounded by five arrows." —Walt

"I'm going to prescribe Lunestra, because they gave me a free mouse pad." —t.a.m.s.y.

Honorable Mention
"I'm sorry to say, it looks like your insurance only covers the slings of outrageous fortune." —Shawn

“Your cholesterol and PSA levels are normal, but if that arrow count gets any higher we'll have to carpet bomb the reservation.” —dwilk

"We've found the problem Mr. Porter. You trusted an indian." —Mssr. Bouf la Tete

"By any chance, did you get that vest at Target?" —Jim M

"It's called 'acupuncture'. I studied it in China." JohnnyB

"For a symbol of individualism your existence is pretty heavily subsidized by the state. What with the land grants and state genocides and railroad subsidies and all. Do you realize the land grants alone constitute the largest federal welfare program in the history of the universe? And you come in and complain your kid shot you with toy arrows? Please, I've got things to do. The army's not paying me to not give these blankets smallpox." —TG Gibbon

"Your wife and two young daughters were killed in the attack. I'm truly sorry." —Sam L.

"Somebooody robbed a casiiiinooo." —Nabob

"Hi, I'm Dr. House. First, you're an asshole. Second, your chest is full of arrows. Third, I can't believe people are still watching me do this after three years." —Tim C

"Bandages? We ain't got no bandages. You don't need no bandages. I don't have to give you any stinking bandages!" —LV

"Because if I don't stare at your hat I will seriously freak the fuck out right now." —skeeelz

"What did you expect when you tried to take his reservation?" (take a minute to get this one......there you go. i thought it was brilliant.) —Vin Coca

"I don't want to blame the victim here, but you are dressed a bit provocatively." —al in la

"My preliminary diagnosis is that you've been shot several times with arrows." —John Tabin

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"You've been shot."

"I warned you that if the erection lasted more than four hours, there would be serious consequences."

"'Don't snitch'? That's a good moral code, my friend."

"It's called 'acupuncture'. I studied it in China."

"The operation was a success, but we may have left some surgical arrows in there. We'll have to go back in and check."

Next time you put a vest on, check first and make sure it doesn't have arrows stuck in it.


These call-outs will point out some of your fashion errors. The nurse will be in soon to add the text labels to them.

"The arrow through the heart gag? You've still got it, Mr. Martin!"

"150 years pass, and NOW you decide you this looked at?"

should have "... you want this looked at?"

Chief Weak Bow, you say? I've had some run-ins with that hombre myself. In fact, he's the one who tore my diploma and my desert-landscape-out-a-window poster in half, and crazy-glued this ABBA CD to my forehead.

"Hurray! It's not contagious!"

"Serves you right you racist, imperialist, child-murdering, land-stealing, cow-abusing, hat-wearing fuck."

"Of course I can't help you! This is olden times!"

"Did you like the fruit basket I sent? [please say yes, please say yes]"

"For a symbol of individualism your existence is pretty heavily subsidized by the state. What with the land grants and state genocides and railroad subsidies and all. Do you realize the land grants alone constitute the largest federal welfare program in the history of the universe? And you come in and complain your kid shot you with toy arrows? Please, I've got things to do. The army's not paying me to not give these blankets smallpox."

"Don't worry I have a balm for that. Should clear up...hm, never. Is never good for you?"

"Arrows don't kill people. People kill people. Of course, the arrows do help."

"Diagnosis: Emphysema."

"Oh boy oh boy, my first actual patient! OK, now, what seems to be the problem, sir?"

"I must confess I'm not clear on why you sought out me, a gynecologist, for this."

"Hey, is that an Arrow shirt? Ha! Get it? Hooo-boy."

"Hey, you know what I just noticed? We buy our ties at the same store!"

"I'd really like to see you getting more exercise."

Whoopee ti yi yo, get along, little doggie. You know that Wyoming will be your new home....

Dr. what?? New kind of treatment?? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...you have mistaken me for someone else my friend...now, sing...I said SING!

"So, how do you get into cowboying? I'm sick of my own archetypal profession."

"We've run some tests, and the arrows pose no immediate risk. However, you do have Tiny Feet Syndrome."

"Yes, my new receptionist, Alice Walking Bear, certainly is sensitive about her cultural heritage. Now what can I do for you?"

"So you say the one in your ass hurts the most?"

"We've got to stop meeting like this. For one thing, you're down to about a pint of blood. And for another, I've met someone else."

"Yes, a proctology exam is absolutely customary for this condition."

"Well, Tex, I can't quit you either, but what say we take care of these nasty arrows first?"

"The most advanced case of anachronism since the guy with the briefcase beset by Huns -- I'll be damned if I lose another one."

"Tell ya what. I'll only charge you half, because, as you can see, I only have half a diploma."

"Uh huh, but, see, they did take your mind off the headache, didn't they?"

[I would like to retract my previous entry as too close to an actual NY contest entry. Instead I submit this version:]

"Now you see why our slogan is 'Hiccups Gone or Your Money Back!'"

Hi I'm a first year medical intern. So what brings you in today?

It turns out you're insurance is only willing to pay to remove 2 arrows, so I figured I'd push them all into your gallbladder and bill it as a cholecystectomy.

"By any chance, did you get that vest at Target?"

"So you say you're having trouble removing your vest?"

"No, you use the arrows to navigate and the spacebar to shoot."
(damn, over the quota again.)

"Would you like to join me in a chorus of Connie Francis's 1958 hit 'Stupid Cupid'?"

"Let me see, Tex, if I got this straight: You got in an argument with a guy because you told him that even though you were born in Louisiana, ain't nobody gonna call you 'Louise'?"

"But of course you're wondering why I wear a CD on my head."

"Try not to bleed; we ran out of the paper we usually have on the table."

"You shot at least one of them; I treated him for a wounded knee."

"I told you not to play St. Sebastian in the Dry Gulch 'Lives of the Saints' Pageant."

Special George Carlin As Guest Host of Saturday Night News, November 10, 1984, Entry: "Is that a brand new vest? You have to take the arrows out of it before you put it on. You're a moron, Kroeger."

"The arrows are a problem, but more important is the fact that we are sinking in quicksand."

TG - I actually remember that fucking skit. Probably because it's when I decided never to watch the show again.

"The arrows here are obscene."

"That's a BAD case of sunburn. You'd better start using sun blocker, or it could lead to skin cancer."

"I think your decision to turn around after getting two in the back was not the best."

"Okay, take off that hat and let's have a look."

"...and then Romo bobbles the snap. That's gotta hurt. Maybe not as much as having five arrows sunk deep in your torso. But still."

"Abe, I think the most anachronistic was cave man vs highway patrolman."

"I want to say one word to you. Just one word: Plastic Surgery. Well, two words, I guess. Sorry about that."

"I'm going to prescribe Lunestra, because they gave me a free mouse pad."

"I'm afraid the damage to your spine is permanent. You'll never walk again."

"Mylanta."

"Oftentimes, the most important advice I give concerns lifestyle modifications."

stcoleridge: yes, that was an even more severe case of anachronism, but, importantly, hardly life threatening...

"So, Mr. Imus, you got attacked by a bunch of nappy headed Navajos?"

"Your wife and two young daughters were killed in the attack. I'm truly sorry."

"You think it hurts? Wait until I rip them out of your flesh without anaesthetics, like I'm going to do RIGHT NOW!"

Now I'm not saying it's definitely your prostate. I'm just saying I want to check out that angle.

Look at the bright side, they missed your cock!

At least it's not a broke back. Get it? Like the movie?

That's funny. Usually they're too drunk to hit anything.

"I like how we're both wearing our stereotype costumes."

"I have some bad news: you have AIDS."

“I thought I told you to stay away from red meat.”

"The arrows should be easy to remove, but the MRI revealed what is likely a terminal brain tumor. We have to run more tests, but it doesn't look good."

"You look surprisingly calm for someone who has five arrows sticking out of him."

"Carol! Did you put this here? Looks like you got me again!"

“Your cholesterol and PSA levels are normal, but if that arrow count gets any higher we'll have to carpet bomb the reservation.”

"The police just entered your attacker's home. He drowned his wife and son and shot himself."

"Would you like to lick off the arrows after I pull them out? It's good luck."

Somebooody robbed a casiiiinooo.

A boob-eye says what?

What a coincidence! I just treated that indian in a room next door! Sent him home with a smallpox blanket. Problem solved.

We've found the problem Mr. Porter. You trusted an indian.

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

Howdy! Welcome to Dr. Dusty's Fix 'n Go of Cactus Flats. You're my first patient in five years.

The good news is, you're dead.

"I'm going to give you a local anaesthetic to help ease the pain when I pull the arrows out. You might feel a little prick. And by 'little prick' I of course mean I'm underendowed and am planning on mercilessly sodomizing you before I do it."

"You're bleeding, Mr. Whittaker. That means you're not pregnant."

"Only one of us is going to walk out of this room alive, mister. And judging by your multiple arrow wounds, it ain't gonna be you."

"See what happens when you ignore the 'Please Don't Sit On The Freshly Shined Table' sign? Tsk, tsk."

"Oh, my bad. I thought you said 'sparrows'."

I hope you've learned your lesson, Mr. Rodsky. "William Tell" is NOT a game to play by yourself.

"Owwhh! Phantasm death ball. Drilling its way through my cranium. Really hurts!"

Poo-poo, pee-pee, doo-doo, fart blossom. I am a doctor and I can cuss in my office if I want to.

Fuck! It's like someone yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they yelled "Duck!" and you said "What?" and they said "Nevermind".

I'm a proctologist.

We're like the Village People but with more doctor and less butt-sex.

I'm afraid it's the Big A.

Grab shaft and rub vigorously.

"Eros, Dusty, Eros. "

I'd like to recheck your prostate in a few years and I'm going to proscribe something for the high blood pressure but everything else looks good. Now, should we take a look at these arrows?

So, Mr. Whittington, you say your old pal, Vice President Cheney, has taken up bow-hunting? Why do you still hang out with that guy?

Oh, I totally agree! Ted Nugent is a dick!

Hey! Too bad they don't have little suction-cups on the end instead of arrowheads, ain't it? That sure would be a lot less life-threatening, huh? Boy, would it ever! Golly-gee-whillikers, but life is a crazy thing!


(Author's note: the world is just zany as all fuck.)

"Fascinating. Go on."

"Valentine's Day can be tough on a polygamist."

"I hope this isn't some ruse you cooked up to get another bottle of pain-killin' whiskey out of me, you rascally varmint, you."

"Hi, I'm Dr. House. First, you're an asshole. Second, your chest is full of arrows. Third, I can't believe people are still watching me do this after three years."

... Okay, so then, after dropping nearly $500 on dinner, plus another $150 on champagne, I'm driving her home in my Z4 M Roadster -- you ever drive one? You gotta check them out, man. Baby's a sweet ride. So, you know, it's a beautiful night and I decide to take the scenic route, right? To help her get in the mood, right? So, we're driving along and I'm telling her all about this fine piece of German engineering that she's so fortunate to be riding in, because, in my experience -- and this is just a little tip for you, buddy -- chicks totally groove on a sportscar. It's like catnip to them, man. Total panty-peeler! So, we finally pull up to her place, right? And I lean in for a little kiss, thinkin', you know, let the games begin! Let's prime that pump, right? Draw those curtains, baby, and start the show! You know what I'm sayin'? So, I lean in and you know what she does? She gives me just the tiniest little peck! And I'm like, "are you kidding me? A closed-mouth kiss? On a second date?!" So, I said, "baby, you know I've earned more than that" and I lean in, but she pulls away, saying something about how things are just moving too fast and she's just not sure that she's ready for all this and blah-dee-blahblahblah and finally I just said, "you know what? Get the fuck out of my car, you little cocktease!" I mean, come on! Seven-hundred and fifty bucks I spend on this broad! Plus the $300 from the week before? Which means I'm into this chick for over a grand, and this is the shit she pulls? Fuck that! Oh, and get this: the next day, she e-mails me and tells me I'm a narcissist! A narcissist! Can you believe that shit!?

Didja see that nurse with the big tits? I'm fucking her!

"The arrows, huh? That's why you came to see me? I woulda guessed chin implant."

"Listen, I'm as much of a Mishima fan as the next guy, but I'm telling you, as your doctor, you're taking the eroticization of Saint Sebastian's suffering a bit too far."

"No voting system based on ranked preferences, where there are three or more options to choose from, can meet the following set of criteria: universality, monotonicity, non-imposition, non-dictatorship, and independence of irrelevant alternatives. But enough about Arrow's impossibility theorem, demonstrated by Nobel Prize-winning economist Kenneth Arrow in his PhD thesis. Do you have a medical problem?"

Your face is awfully sunburned. Can I touch it?

You're the victim of a quack. There's no such thing as a nicotine Apache.

Doctor, I think you've made your point.

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

"And this all happened after you referred to them as 'red-skinned Injuns', Mr. Imus?"

"OK, you were in a lecture at Texas Tech and a Native American opened fire- so how's the rest of the class?"

- You think you've got it bad? Look at me! I have a webbed left hand, a super tiny thumb on the right, and to top it all off, I opened the only private clinic in the middle of the desert. Go elsewhere.

- Dick Cheney's at it again, huh?

- Looks like the work of Cupid.

- Indian threesomes aren't exactly what you think they are.

"Are you going to die? Good question. Let's consult that Ouija board behind you."

"Well, Mr. _(Proper Noun)_, you seem to be suffering from _(Minor nuisance)_. I'm going to prescribe _(noun)_-cillin. Also, _(Verb)_ over, I'm going to have _(Body part)_ sex with you."

"Is it a sharp pain, or more of a dull throbbing pain? Uh huh. And would you say it's worse when you lie on your stomach or on your back? I see. Well, that could be any number of things. Have you tried sleeping on your side?"

"You give love a bad name. I play my part and you play your game. You give love a bad name. Catchy, isn't it? It just came to me."

"Man, why does everybody think I'm a proctologist? What is it with the latent homoeroticism around here? Do I give off some sort of proctologydar?"

Maybe "shoot" wasn't the smartest safety word.

"I'm dying to know did the Indians circle around you like in the movies? That always struck me as a questionable strategy. Speaking of questionable strategies, just what was yours?"

"Sorry, that happens sometimes - our office is right next to the abortion clinic. They usually just target the women, though."

“Your blood work and EKG results came back yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay.”

Bet you wish they were Indian givers, eh?

And when I snap my fingers you will wake up unable to remember a thing and feeling blissfully well-rested.

What can I do-ya-for, Mr. Brosnan?

"My late boyfriend had the same piercings you do.

Allow me to explain."

"The receptionist says you pulled out a gold nugget for your co-pay. Well played, pardner, well played."

"There is just one thing that concerns me, however. If that place was already being called *Bighorn*, what were they thinking when they put the word *Little* into its name? I for one do not thing that this matter has been adequately addressed, no sir, not by a longshot. No offense."

(think, not thing)

I'd love to pull those arrows out for you but, as you can see, my left arm is useless and I need my right arm to prop myself up against this table. Perhaps you ought to go see a real doctor rather than a poorly drawn one.

All this because you tried to pay them Sacagawea dollars?

"I've always wanted to be a stunt man, but, you know, with a husband and all..."

"Well, what did you expect after littering?? It's all about reducing your carbon footprint, my man."

"When you were a kid, did you say, 'When I grow up I wanna be a COWBOY - one who's shot through with arrows'?"

Thanks to advances in Natural Orifice Surgery, we'll be removing two of the arrows through your anus and three through your nose.

I regret super gluing my hand to this table as you are quite heavy.

Arrow you insured? Get it? I replaced "Are" with "Arrow" which is a humorous play on words. But seriously, if you aren't insured get out.

When you say your Indian wife did this, is that Indian as in dot, or as in feather?

Super. Glued. Hand. Can't. Hold. Table. Much. Longer.

"Never have rough sex with an Apache."

"This is what happens when you count cards at Mohegan Sun."

"Thank God! Now there'll be no more of your inane comments about life being pointless."

"Sorry. Your insurance only kicks in with six arrow wounds. However, there are ways around that. Wait right here."

Now let's have a listen to your ticker here and see if we can't figure out what's causing these nasty little chest pains.

Honest to God- this table is 100% stainless steel. Sure it's a little cold, but MUCH easier to clean than the old wooden tables we've been using.

Oh my God, you've been shot! From the back and the front! Get the hell out of my office, you cowardly cheating son of a bitch...

"Homer you've lost weight. I imagine Marge is not easy to live with. How's Lisa? Has she begun menstruating?"

Let's start with the obvious issue—you have hooves.

"Well, they were sure right about global warming. As a climate researcher at Woods Hole, I saw it coming and I got the hell out of Cape Cod just days before the mega-tsunami. I knew Alaska would be the only place spared on the continent, so I booked the first flight here. Sadly, it was also the last flight. Sorry, enough about me. I love your costume. With this weather, it's hard to believe this is a Halloween party. More punch?"

"You're shot up with more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese. Which means of course your care requires a little something extra- you need Mayo."

"Almost. This is the Korn Bone Marrow Clinic. Down the road a piece you'll find the Corn Pone Arrow Clinic."

"I'm thinking this was a Mafia hit, given the multiple kill shots. Did you cross someone at the casino? You see I'm kind of an amateur detective. Frankly, I'm kind of an amateur doctor. But thats probably the last thing you want to hear right now. Of course, it may well be the last thing you hear for all I know."

The X-rays indicate that none of the arrows punctured a vital organ. You're really quite fortunate to be alive. We will have to operative immediately to remove the arrows and repair the tissue damage. But the prognosis is good.

(two attempts at anti-anti-captions:)

"My legs? No, my legs are fine, that's just normal panel framing. Of course I'm sure. I'm a doctor, you dolt."

You're going to be fine! That's what I'd be telling you, if you weren't fatally wounded by five arrows.

I suppose that that there are many movies, maybe even musicals, that you would enjoy more than five arrows piercing your torso. But I can't think of any right now.

Whoa, Cowboy, what's the rush? Staff is placing bets on whether you die with your boots on, so you're not going anywhere for a couple of hours.

When I was an undergrad, I was in a band called 'Tight Tiny Boots.' And then you show up. Strange, huh?

"Bandages? We ain't got no bandages. You don't need no bandages. I don't have to give you any stinking bandages!"

The last time I saw a case like this was...hell, I ain't never seen nothin' like this, partner!

You should be dead. But let's not let that stop me from killing you.

I'm sorry to say, it looks like your insurance only covers the slings of outrageous fortune.

So I said to the nurse 'No! The reason we never put patients in room 3 is because that's where I keep my taxidermy cowboy.' and she gave me this look like I was crazy!

Do you have shooting pains? Haha... sorry, doctor joke. You're going to die.

Because if I don't stare at your hat I will seriously freak the fuck out right now.

“I’ll take care of those entry wounds after YOU take care of the load Buttermilk dumped on the waiting room floor.”

“Prognosis? Shit! Reverend Falwell died and he didn’t even have any arrows sticking in him!”

"Your vacant stare, as well as the arrows lodged in your organs, lead me to believe you're already dead...but let's give the leeches a shot anyways."

"You have the Tontovirus."

"I'm gonna get you, bet you drunk/Get you drunk off my 'lady-humps.'"

"I've heard of cowpokes, but this is ridiculous! Seriously, it's fuckin' nuts."

"Looks like they got you good, huh? Hey, did you hear the one about the Indian rodeo? Sorry- not funny, I know. Oh my...[light chuckle]"

When you say your wife did this, is she Indian as in dot, or as in feather?

(tweaked my earlier submission)

What about the rest of the Village People? Is the military guy riddled with bullets? Does the construction worker have rivets all in him? Is Leatherman, I don't know, being attacked by PETA even as we speak? Because, you know, he is clothed in leather?

"There's nothing I can do. However, I'd be happy to refer you to a specialist. His name is Dr. Kevorkian."

Take two aspro's and call me if your not feeling better tomorrow.

Ok it hurts a little but only drastic measures cure flatulence.

So you got the point - stop flirting with the chief's bucks.

"The bad news is that, no, I'm not a real doctor. The good news is that I'm AWESOME at Jenga."

Well Sam, I've got a cream for the genital warts you got from 'Smells Like Spring Flowers'...

"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most sultry Homer Simpson eyes?"

"Motherfucker Tim! If you weren't a Paladin with 1300+ healing and 14k armor you'd be toast. Good thing you did a flash heal but you need to do a better job mitigating damage maybe hang with a Warrior holding aggro or something. As your Alchemist I worry about your health. I hope that doesn't sound gay."

“What did you expect when you tried to take his reservation?”

take a minute to get this one......there you go. i thought it was brilliant.

I told you it would be a bad idea to invite your 5 ex-wives to the reunion, thought I must say their aim is improving.

"You have an acute case of owie pointy sticky."

But before we get started, there's something I've always wanted to know: Why do they call it a "ten-gallon hat"?

Just between you and me, I'm also a Stetson man.

How did you do such fantastic stunts with such little feet?

"What you mean, "uninsured," white man?

"Oh god, is my doctor coming on to me? Great--now I've pissed the table ... Did I remember to buy horse insurance this year? Oh, I hate being the world's only Cowboy with an Interior Monologue!"

"My preliminary diagnosis is that you've been shot several times with arrows."

You're not going to believe this, but I just saw an Indian with a terrible case of carpal tunnel.

Every non-idiot knows there's no thimerosal in arrows!

"So you say the Vice President is into bow hunting now?"

"Bet your feeling like a big jackass about now..."

"Well, for starters, I'm going to have to ask you to take off your vest..."

"I'm sorry Bill, but Wild West Medical Insurance Company clearly states they don't pay for any injuries having to do with 'Saloon wind-urs, diny-mite, or double-crossin' injuns.'"

"C'mon cowboy. Just drop your pants and bend over for me. You've been stuck five times already. You'll hardly even notice number 6."

Now Johnnie... didn't I tell you that the boys down at the club would throw firey darts at you if you wore those totally bitch'n hi-heels? Umm...Umm...Umm

WOW Ned, you must of really pissed off that cactus... not only did he shoot you full of arrows... but if you look out the window, he is still giving you the finger...

[Arthur: I LOL'd.]

"I'm sorry to say, but once extracted, your body won't be able to withstand the trauma inflicted by the arrow that pierced your heart. Your wife is waiting outside if the two of you would like to exchange final farewells."

"Well, the president says you're doing a heckuva-job running the Bureau of Indian Affairs."

"Of course I know what I'm doing. The AMA didn't name me 'Worst Acupuncturist of the Year' for nothing."

"...Indian Affairs.' Heh. And the next one is, 'Of course I know what I'm doing, The AMA didn't name me Worst Acupuncturist of the Year for nothing!!" HA! Get it? Come on, pal, laughter's the best medicine. So, the next one goes..."

"This is strange. I just took care of an Indian who laughed his ass off!"

"Yes, mail order Indian brides can have a temper."

"....let me get this straight.... after the second one, YOU yelled, "I bet you can't do that again!", then after the third one......."

"Lay off that Trail Ride
Beef with Magnet Sauce, ok?"

"You think you've got problems! I have only 3 fingers on my left hand!"

"I don't want to blame the victim here, but you are dressed a bit provocatively."

Hey cowboy, looks like cupid wants me to play doctor with you.

Sorry, but your insurance doesn't cover self-inflicted wounds.

"Sure, I can give you a hernia exam. But it's fifty bucks more if you want a happy ending. And that's out-of-pocket, if you catch my drift."

"Well, first of all, when he said the thing about being 'the last man to die for a mistake,' he was talking about an entirely different war. And second, if it's any consolation, you don't have to worry about being the last."

"I'll give it to you straight: You're probably going to die. Moreover, somewhere out there, thousands of sick fucks are looking at you and making jokes about it."

Judging from the angle of the shafts, either they were f-ing tall indians or you were lower than your attackers... Damn, I would have made a great CSI

Good news, turns out it's just heart burn.

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2