March 19, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #91

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"So you never got a patent, huh? I had to learn that the hard way myself. Fucking pasta-straining pot. It cooks and drains pasta. Get it? Here, let me draw you a picture." —lil miss poland spring

"What an anachronism! Everybody knows the zero wasn't invented until well after the agricultural revolution, you clod!"—TG Gibbon

"This is how you roll?" —Amy

Honorable mention
"OK, Mr. Nolte, you know the drill -- blood, breath, or urine?" —Tim C

"Are you sure you're a Cro-Magnon? Because you were weaving like a goddamn Neanderthal out there."—Patrick Broderick"

"In the internet age, even the Yapese can put out an APB; so you're busted."—IknowImOverMyLimit [Ed. note: Though I do prefer people to limit themselves to five entries, if you feel compelled to go over a little, I'd rather you keep using your own screen name. All entries posted in good faith will be considered]

"Save it for your blog, No Impact Man." —Kevin Guilfoile

Honorable mention for jokes that reference other captions, because even though I usually disqualify the genre, these were particularly good variations of it
"The hours here are Pleistocene." —mypalmike

"Christ, what an asphalt-hole."—John Tabin

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Okay, a couple of things here. You need a helmet. And an axle."

"Tell you what: One of us is terribly anachronistic. But, I'll be damend if I can tell which one. So why don't I just pretend to write you a "ticket" for the sake of The New Yorker folks and we'll both be on our way. OK?"

Guaranteed real-life winner: "All right, where's the fire?"

"I'm citing you for stealing the 'O' from 'Bob's Caveman-Themed BBQ.' I don't care if he doesn't give health insurance and makes you wear a leopard fur mumu. Being a disgruntled employee doesn't mean you can be a scofflaw."

"Thanks for doing this Jim. It's a rare policeman who would pose for his partner's life drawing class homework."

"Sorry, Bub, but being 'late for a GEICO ad shoot' isn't good enough."

"Can I see your lice and registration?"

My daughter is going to love this Captain Caveman, make it out to Amy. Oh, and thanks for holding my gigantic donut.

I'm writing you a ticket because here in Utah we don't believe in evolution.

"OK, Mr. Nolte, you know the drill -- blood, breath, or urine?"

"I don't care who told you to do it, sir -- while I admire your dexterity, the law doesn't allow that kind of public conduct with a rolling donut."

"I'm ticketing you for speeding, reckless endangerment, and infringing Johnny Hart's copyrights."

"Let me guess. Your insurance is Geico."

"Clicki-lock-a-hoog-lag-lag that means how much it cost?"

"Reinvent THIS!"

"Look, you wee speeding; this is not a case of prejudice. Some of my best friends are Neanderthals. Well, most of them, really, because I'm a fundamentalist Christian. Ka-ching! Just kidding. I'm actually quite liberal except for my irrational hatred of anachronisms."

Gah, "wee" should be "were". One of these days I'm going to figure out how to hack your website so I can edit my posts.

Look if you are going to win the costume party you have to be Hagar the Horrible or Fred Flintstone not both

"And I'd advise you to wear a coat and tie for your court appearance"

Wheel Stories of the Highway Patrol

Yes it is a very large roll of athletic tape.

Yes it is a very large roll of athletic tape.

Sir, let me give you a little friendly advice for next time you visit Five Rocks One Of Which Is Tire-Shaped State Park. Just because you can fuck a sixteen-inch diameter hole in a rock doesn't mean you should. And I'm not just saying that because I'm pissed off at having discovered how evolution can play cruel tricks on a species.

"You just might be the ugliest tranny-hooker I've ever seen, but you sure know how to bribe a hungry cop."

"Reduce your speed! I don't care if your wife really needs a LifeSaver down at the EVROLET plant."

"You've got a huge emissions problem, and I don't think it's the vehicle."

"American Chopper stole your idea? Well, slap a pair of those skins on my ride and I'll go pay 'em a visit."

"And you say this makes it EASIER to get from place to place?"

"I wouldn't lean on that if I were you."

Now if you would just hold still another ten minutes I should be all finished. You have such an expressive face and I so seldom find an interesting subject. Moonlighting as a caricaturist can be difficult in my line of work—if I have to draw one more “I’m With Stupid” wife-beater drenched in sweat I will shoot myself! Do you have any idea how much shading it takes to effectively draw realistic track marks?

"Even as I write this ticket here, I can't for the life of me remember how you were traveling on one wheel, let alone at a rate of speed fast enough to warrant a ticket. Physically, it doesn't even make sense. You couldn't be inside the wheel, and if you were on top you'd just fall-- oh, right, you're a few thousand years away from understanding English, aren't you? Well, shit. Just pay the ticket in wolly mammoth meat, and I'll look the other way."

Okay, I'll let you off with a warning about the condition of your vehicle, but I am going to have to ticket you for the hackneyed premise.

"Let me have the donut, and I'll let you off with a warning."

Looks like it might rain, huh?

Here's my number. I know most furries don't go for cop uniforms, but I'm trying to kink it up. Fred Flinstone looks good on you, and the foam wheel is pretty hot.

(Ed. note: my apologies to Dan McCoy, I didn't read the earlier entries, so my earlier offering is not meant as a rip, FYI, disqualify it if you like, alls well).

No, what's "bullshit" is that someone actually thought this was funny.

"Um, excuse me buddy, but could you move a few feet to the right? I'm trying to draw those mountains back there. Thanks."

"Listen here, Mister Freud, if that is your real name - sometimes a motorcycle with a six-foot-long appendage and a giant rolling hole are just that and nothing more, got it?"

Wow, that's weird--usually they take the tires when they strip a car.

"'B.C.' has never been a funny comic strip, and I don't intend to change that today."

No, I don't know how fast I was going. Do you see a speedometer on this thing?

"Are you sure you're a Cro-Magnon? Because you were weaving like a goddamn Neanderthal out there."

"Thor, not Inor! Man, this Apple Newton is from the stone ages."

“...the attempted sneaker-bombing of American Airlines 63, the beheading of Daniel Pearl, the shooting of Sean Bell, SARS, FEMA, the RIAA, leggings, the assassination of James A. Garfield, original sin, 9/11, that upcoming 9/11 movie starring Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, the Lusitania, the Challenger, Supertrain, The CW, the sinking of the SS Edmund Fitzgerald, the singing of the ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,’ the placement of one ‘bop’ in the ‘bop-she-bop-she-bop,’ Milli and/or Vanilli, the wheel, the Segway, chick lit, trans fat, new Coke, Crystal Pepsi, Dane Cook, Gary Cherone, Katherine Harris, Jarts, the Black Hole of Calcutta, and, er, ‘The Black Hole of Yomama.’ Now, is there anything else you’d like to confess to, Mr. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed?”

"What an anachronism! Everybody knows the zero wasn't invented until well after the agricultural revolution, you clod!"

"That was 2006 on the radio, they told me to tell you that, yes, I am Jewish and, yes, you are under arrest."

"Mayor Rizzo doesn't care if you're Ira Einhorn's lawyer or Richardson Dilworth's grandmother, you're not getting into Philadelphia without a haircut, boy."

Yeah, well... I don't really like my job, either.

That's a pretty dress, by the way.

Listen, you're already in enough trouble, buddy. Don't make me add a solicitation charge.

"Well, in fact, the missus and I happen to have seen 'Oklahoma' over the weekend, and I don't recall seeing a caveman carrying a big 'O' on stage. Of course, we DID miss the overture."

Just sign here and I'll let you ride my bike if you let me stick my head repeatedly through that wheel yelling "you can take the kids, but how do you like this Loretta"

Sure, Ted, I miss the "good old days" from time to time... Dressing up like cavemen and riding giant stone wheels across the desert... But, those times are gone

, man. I've got a wife and kids, now. Responsibilities, Ted. A goddamn mortgage. Ya know? Can't you see that this lifestyle is a dead end? You gotta grow up, man. You gotta grow up. Listen, I'm gonna give you the number of a therapist -- and I know! I know what you're gonna say! You don't want some "bullshit head-shrinker" screwing around inside your brain, but she can help you, Ted. She can help you. Just like she helped me.

(Sorry, I went over my quota. Won't let it happen again.)

"Hey man, don't mention it. Anything for a loyal fan."

"Sir, are you aware you were going 20,000 B.C. in a 2007 A.D. zone?"

"This time-traveling motorcycle sure makes it easy for me to fill my monthly ticket quota."

"It certainly is a big deal, sir. Thanks to you, I've been stuck eating lunch at 'Marietta C_unty Lunch Buffet.' "

"Is that Mr. H-A-R-T or H-E-A-R-T? And this better not be another wiseass fake name, like 'Heywood Jablome.' "

"10-4, Chief. I'll be there right after I finish sketching this giant fiberglass caveman. I want to send it to Bill Griffith."

"I'll let you off with a warning. I just heard on the police radio that my family has been raped and killed by a guy in a caveman suit, so I don't have time to sit here calling in your priors and shit."

"Mr. Trump called- he's sorry you're stranded with just your breakfast bagel, Ms. O'Donnell."

"Do you know how not fast you were going?"

Interesting...I always pronounced neanderthal with the soft "th", not "neandertall." You learn something new everyday. Or would that be "someTing new?" tee-hee. I AM good.

"No, this is not a joke. The joke is your hair."

This is how you roll?

This would make a nice planter.

"I'm writing you a ticket for loitering."

"'No pushing an "O" without a patent.' Didn't you take the test?"

"Manny's Bikes- they're just on the other side of town; here's their address. I think you'll find their unicycle to be a much more comfortable ride."

"I could let you go for some Pebbles.....not rocks, if you know what I mean."

Oh, my God! You live in a cave man!

"For starters I'm pissed that your wheel is rounder than either of mine."

"That may be considered good hygiene in Europe, boy. But 'round here, trying to pass off as clean by sticking a giant urinal cake in your armpit just ain't gonna cut it."

"A plaster caster of your what?!"

"I don't care if Ms. O'Donnel has no good use for a Today's Sponge or not. The point is it wasn't yours to take."

"Name your price on that big yummy donut, Mr. Unga. And tell me who to make this check out to."

Office to himself (sweating, teeth gritted): "Just..focus..on...ticket...something bout...that..big moist donut...getting...me...all...hot and...bothered."

"Aaaaand here's my insurance info. You're sure you're not hurt?"

"Something about those pretty lips tells me we can find a way to make this ticket go away."

So you came out of the time portal you're leaning on, into 1960 to steal a moo-moo, and have been living on that volcano in the background ever since?

Sir, I'm afraid it's physically impossible for you to ride that vehicle.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going? I clocked you at the speed of light, which explains how you traveled through time."

No, I always saw myself as more Jon than Ponch.

...And then the President saves the White House from the terrorists. Anyway, I appreciate you forwarding along my script to your agent.

"I get why Oprah makes white guys push around heavy rocks to advertise her magazine. I just don't get why you put up with it."

"I make a left at the Dark Ages, keep going straight until the Iron Age, when I come to the dawn of smelting, I make a hard right which takes me straight to the Stone Age. If I hit the Paleolithic, I've gone too far. Thanks."

"Goddamn hippie freak."

"The hours here are Pleistocene."

I keep hearing that rock and roll is dead. This ticket is for confusing me.

"Just as I thought. Stoned."

"I like crushing kittens with rocks as much as the next guy, pal, but I don't go out and block traffic to do it."

"Yep, that's the virgin sacrifice volcano right over there. But you can't cross directly to it. It's much farther than it looks. Here, I'll draw you a map. I'd take you myself, but I'm they need my bike and uniform for the virgin kidnapping plan."

"Tell you what. You help me pick up these giant baseball caps and we'll call it even, OK?"

"You can complain about racial profiling to your congressman, mister. I'm just doing my job."

"I gotta say, I'm impressed. I didn't think it was possible to do 140 in a Ford Torus."

You must think it's funny to have the hole squadron eating at a place with the sign reading Dunkin D nuts.

"Sorry to bother you, but there's an APB out for an escaped mental patient who's been tying up coeds with a giant roll of packing tape and then tossing them off bridges. Here's my phone number in case you remember seeing anything suspicious."

"You were doing 80 in a 65 zone. I'll let you off with a warning this time, but in the future, keep it under the limit, okay? You'll get where you're going eventually, I promise."

Big trouble, bub. I'm the fashion police. Nah, just kidding

Speak up - what are you a fucking mime?

Can you tell me why I stopped you today? No of course you can't, you're a minimally intelligent pre-verbal neanderthal with only the faintest, subtlest whisper of thought flitting unanchored and evanescent through your pea sized brain. I'm guessing you don't have insurance either.

"A giant washer? That's it? What a relief. The last time a suspect dragged me out here at exactly 7:00p.m., I found my wife's head in a box."

Lemme guess -- you were a 'child left behind.'

One more smartass remark out of you pal and I'll beat you back to the Stone Age.

"Ok, let me see if I got this. You say last week's winner was: 'An assault on your comic sensibilities in that the mildly humorous, predictable irony was completely overwhelmed by the utter lack of imagination and sophistication'...Sir, you're a caveman, that's not very sophis...Oh,I see your point."

"I am a New York City cop and you are a caveman, so I'm writing you a ticket. If you were Caribbean or African I might sodomize you with the handle of a toilet plunger, or shoot you dozens of times, continuing after you fall so the coroner would find entry wounds in the soles of your feet."

No donuts in the parking lot.

"I don't care if her daddy's a big wheel down at the plant..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge.

I finally figured it out! We knew you were a smuggler, we searched you again and again, but we never found anything. That's because, all this time, what you've really been smuggling is big stone wheels!

"Hold on. You expect me to believe that story about your hurrying to get to a surprise party for Oliver Stone?"

"I don't care when you have to be at the tic-tac-toe festival. Your buddy "x" got there without speeding, didn't he?"

Your plates are expired.

Do you want fries with that?

Sorry Mum, but the law is the law.

Well, you're licensed as a Neanderthal, but your cranial structure is distinctly Rhodesian. Normally I'd let you off with a warning, but I'm more than a little creeped out that you don't seem to be wearing any underwear.

um, fashion police, that outfit was so... 1 million years ago, "rip... rip... rip..., literally!

"No Sir, this won't be on World's Scariest Police Chases."

um, we have a problem, I can't haul you and the donut, um, well maybe just one bite, mmmmmm, one more, oh ya another, oh ya that feels good, DUDE, I need to get to school, okay one more bite, OH WELL THERE GOES EXTRA CREDIT!!!

So you're Dick Chaney's long lost brother, rushing him a replacement sphincter. What is that behind you, a turtle?

"Hey, if I let you off with a warning, that would mean I'd have to let everyone
who was pushing a giant concrete wheel down the highway off with a warning...ha, ha, ho,ho, hee, hee. That's a real good one, isn't it?"

"It is a lovely ring. However, you were speeding, and no, I don't care if your future fiancee is waiting for you. She seems delightful, from what you're telling me, however."

“A very interesting story, Ms. Réage, but I’m afraid I’ll still have to give you a ticket. As for 'your punishment'... Just pay the fine, ma’am. Just pay the fine.”

"Eighty-eight centimeters dilated! No wonder you were in a hurry. C'mon follow me."

"Normally, I'd beat you. But I suspect your club is bigger than mine."

So you never got a patent, huh? I had to learn that the hard way myself. Fucking pasta-straining pot. It cooks and drains pasta. Get it? Here, let me draw you a picture.

Don't you know cars made before 1980 are responsible for most of the world's pollution?

"Man, this is almost as weird as the time I stopped Ginsberg for rolling a giant doobie."

"Yes, the Law of Time states that instantaneously infinite velocity can yeild paranormal phenomena. But you still have to wear your seat belt, sir."

"Manny's Bikes- they're just on the other side of town; here's their address. I think you'll find their unicycle to be a much more comfortable ride." (anonymous was me)

"You're getting off easy, pal. Did you see 'Easy Rider?'"

"a hunga bunga unga bunga boonga danny devito unga hunga drunk, the view."

"As we really no longer live in a democratic republic governed by the rule of law, I am not so much an officer of the peace as I am a hired thug protecting the interests of corporate megalomaniacs. I am telling you because anybody except a neanderthal would know that."

Do you add the celery to the gumbo before or after you make the roux?

"OK; you say there are four guys drowning in the lake, and you need to throw them a life-saver; but I'm not buying it - that's a wheel, and I say it's unregistered."

1. "I'll ask the questions here."

2. "I assume TG Gibbon submitted "Fire" to the real NYer contest as well."

3. "'Homo erectus'; is that some kind of joke?"

"In the internet age, even the Yapese can put out an APB; so you're busted."

"I had you clocked at 90 down that last hill."

Bribing an officer with a giant donut. How primitive!

You don't speak much English, you've obviously disabled a transportation system, and you live in a cave. That's it pal, I'm calling Homeland Security.

“Just last night my girlfriend was looking to achieve the Big O. Her day job is being over the EVROLET plant.”

"I understand. You had to get away from your former life, to break free from the bonds of society and just do your own thing. The rolling rock, the open road, the wind in your hair. I hear you, man. Me, I left my job as an accountant just a few months back. My brother and I started the business a decade ago. We were very successful, even, raking in the money. But I was never happy. And I never could be, cooped up in an office all day. Yes sir, this motorcycle and this badge mean the world to me now. Seriously, one day I just stood up, walked out, and never came back. Winchler and Winchler LLC is still back there in the big city, and my brother T. A. deserves a lot of credit for taking over my responsibilities on such short notice."

Look pal, I don't care if she said she loved you, Miss Hilton wants her diaphram back and you are going to have to pay for the damage!

"Give me an H!"

Shut you mouth or I'll also charge you for gross stupidity in thinking you invented an all day lifesaver.

The gas companies told me that if you destroy your feuless prototype that I can go ahead and destroy your ticket.

"Save it for your blog, No Impact Man."

"This is for being on the road with an open rolling rock."

"Call me 'sugar tits' again and I'll kick your caveman ass."

"Sir, you'll get your chance to tell your 'mutant lions stole my whip and my clothes' story to the judge. Me, I'm just a cop."

"You may have heard of my favorite invention - the BATHTUB!"

"Christ, what an asphalt-hole."

"That's how you've been getting around since the Cretaceous era? Mmmmmaahhhh- doh-nuttt....
Huhhn? what's that??"

Do you know how fast you were evolving?

Late for the "Concept Car" competition at the auto show? - I don't think so."

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