The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #90
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Update. For some reason, some people's monitors are cutting off the all-important right hand side of this cartoon. If you're not seeing the third person in the picture, expand your browser window or view the original here.
Winner
"I've got a nursery rhyme for you: There was a whore who was stealing my business and I cut her throat. Catchy, huh?"—mobuck
Finalists
"I used to have so many children, I didn't know what to do. Then I realized I could turn them out to whoring. Have you met my daughter?"—Tim C.
"Wow, the lady next door is a huge slut. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" —maristeph
Honorable mention
"And she was like "Uggs are so over" and I'm like "well Manolos look like whore shoes and yours are at LEAST three season-old whore shoes" and then she's like "you don't know shit, they're vintage" and I'm like "you slut" and then she's like...." —simsburybear
"These Claes Oldenburg sculptures are the perfect place to squat." —Deborah
"You think that's bad, just wait until you see what Bruce Ratner wants to build on the other side of that fence!" —znufrii
Comments
"You see- here in Cliche' Shoe City, whores live in whore shoes."
Posted by: rjwhite | March 12, 2007 8:57 AM
"My bunions are killing me."
Posted by: gary | March 12, 2007 9:05 AM
"This neighborhood's gotten rather down-at-heel. Heel! HEEL! Get it?"
Posted by: Eric Berlin | March 12, 2007 9:16 AM
"Honey, I remember when they used to call this 'The Silk Stocking District'."
Posted by: Tim H | March 12, 2007 9:19 AM
And she was like "Uggs are so over" and I'm like "well Manolos look like whore shoes and yours are at LEAST three season-old whore shoes" and then she's like "you don't know shit, they're vintage" and I'm like "you slut" and then she's like....
Posted by: simsburybear | March 12, 2007 9:34 AM
"These Claes Oldenburg sculptures are the perfect place to squat."
"This is supposed to be the sensible shoe district. How did she get through the zoning board? Oh, like I really have to guess . . . "
"That's just her summer home, actually. She has a Lands' End style boot for the winter."
Posted by: Deborah | March 12, 2007 9:34 AM
"I used to have so many children, I didn't know what to do. Then I realized I could turn them out to whoring. Have you met my daughter?"
Posted by: Tim C. | March 12, 2007 9:39 AM
"I have so many prostitutes in my employ, I don't know what to do."
Posted by: Francis | March 12, 2007 9:45 AM
"That girl's got quite a shoe rack."
Posted by: Francis | March 12, 2007 9:49 AM
"No, I can't believe what Tina Brown's done to the place, either."
Posted by: Tim C. | March 12, 2007 9:49 AM
I have scoliosis from trying to stand up in the poorly drawn toe of my house.
Posted by: JohnnyB | March 12, 2007 9:55 AM
"I hate this new zero-lot housing trend."
Posted by: jason | March 12, 2007 10:00 AM
"It might be hard out here for a pimp, or even an info-pimp, but try being an old whore."
Posted by: LV | March 12, 2007 10:06 AM
Well, the good news is they're up in the air every night after 9 o'clock.
Posted by: CGable | March 12, 2007 10:13 AM
Tim C. -- 1992 called. It wants its caption back.
I think it called on an old rotary phone, like from last week's cartoon.
Posted by: radosh | March 12, 2007 10:19 AM
"Well, this is certainly a dull amusement park. Other than the prostitutes, that is."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | March 12, 2007 10:21 AM
"It was only a matter of time before the foot fetishists showed up."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | March 12, 2007 10:23 AM
"Well, Granny, she is your daughter, and you have to take some blame for the environment you raised her in. I mean, having so many children that you "didn't know what to do." Not to mention the abusive way you sent those kids to bed..."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | March 12, 2007 10:54 AM
"Living here isn't so bad. The rent is cheap but so are the whores"
Posted by: Dick Trimble | March 12, 2007 11:00 AM
"Well, you know, Millie, old shoes and whores get respect if they stick around long enough."
Posted by: Frank | March 12, 2007 11:01 AM
"So you're thinking about giving her a try? Don't bother, is my advice. I asked for a 'round the world' and only got as far as Hoboken, if you get my meaning."
"Oh, great, look who moved in next door. A smoker. That's just perfect."
Posted by: Vance | March 12, 2007 11:03 AM
"Oh, it's not the all night sex romps that bother me, honey. I mean, count my children and you'll see grandma's no stranger to the sheets. I just CAN NOT STAND a smoker!"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | March 12, 2007 11:03 AM
"Well, there goes the neighborhood. Next we'll be overrun with basketball shoes and all the riff raff that comes with it."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | March 12, 2007 11:06 AM
"Yes, the very nice men from Acme Sales are stopping by with the shoe trees I ordered. I only hope my daughter there can help me pay for them."
Posted by: Tim H | March 12, 2007 11:07 AM
"My husband is so non-chalant about it. He said times change, and he plans to 'embrace the diversity.' To which I replied 'Not without rubber gloves and a damn good condom you won't!'"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | March 12, 2007 11:11 AM
"Yeah, the Mister was a sweet-talker, he was. 'Lace curtains' my ass!!"
Posted by: Tim H | March 12, 2007 11:13 AM
"Sure I was a slut too, but I didn't advertise it."
Posted by: doc | March 12, 2007 11:16 AM
"Oh, I just pray that the dear Lord will save our soles!"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | March 12, 2007 11:19 AM
"I guess it just seemed more like a Scandinavian theme park than I was expecting in a place with its reputation but then I saw the barbed wire fence and the prostitute and I realized it really was Gitmo."
"If I'd known that according to the Koran all houses have to be shaped like shoes and all cars must be wiener-mobiles I would've voted Democrat back in '04."
"Frankly, shoes disgust me. Do you have anything in a brown derby?"
"And Dory Goff wonders where her husband keeps getting athlete's foot!"
"I don't see why you have to be such a big shot and move to Toronto. Your sister found work right here in the neighborhood. What makes you think Trois Rivieres can't use a sitcom writer, eh? You know they don't even live in shoes?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 12, 2007 11:19 AM
"Honey, I'm your mother and I want you to know I'll always love you, no matter what your lifestyle is. I hope you and your partner are very happy together in your new Dr. Martens boot."
Posted by: Francis | March 12, 2007 11:36 AM
"Did your shoe come with central heating?"
"Living in a shoe isn't bad persay, but the stench can be overwhelming."
"Say what you will about the whore. At least she pays her neighborhood dues, unlike you!"
"You built a boot? Next to my platform stiletto? What's this neighborhood coming to. Before you know it the whole street will be boots and all the property will be worthless."
"You know what they say about women who live in sensible shoes."
Posted by: Jessica | March 12, 2007 12:24 PM
"You know what they say: Like hooch, like cooch."
Posted by: danny | March 12, 2007 12:46 PM
"Yes, it is for rent. The previous tenant got the boot."
Posted by: Vin Coca | March 12, 2007 12:48 PM
"I heard her house is a knock-off."
Posted by: Vin Coca | March 12, 2007 12:49 PM
"It sure was nice of that Evrolet woman to donate her old shoes to Habitat for Humanity."
Posted by: David John | March 12, 2007 1:25 PM
"...and that's why I don't listen to Dan Savage, anymore."
Posted by: J | March 12, 2007 1:37 PM
"Wow, the lady next door is a huge slut. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?"
Posted by: maristeph | March 12, 2007 1:43 PM
"If it weren't for that razor wire fence you could almost pretend you were back home - and not in a concentration camp run by nazis with a foot fetish."
Posted by: firebus | March 12, 2007 1:46 PM
"...and my socks don't match, either."
Posted by: maristeph | March 12, 2007 1:58 PM
"I can't believe the Shoetown Co-op Board let that prostitute move in next door. Oh well, at least she's not a negro."
Posted by: John Tabin | March 12, 2007 2:19 PM
"Have you seen those two men who just moved into the Ben Sherman loafer across the street? I'd tell you what I think of them, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you say 'faggot.'"
Posted by: John Tabin | March 12, 2007 2:23 PM
I my day, the seven-hole army boot was the fuck-me pump of choice.
Posted by: skeeelz | March 12, 2007 2:33 PM
She's the town pump. And so is her house.
Posted by: JohnnyB | March 12, 2007 2:40 PM
How can anyone live with so few windows?
Posted by: FD | March 12, 2007 2:43 PM
Odd that the red light district has no wooden shoes
Posted by: FD | March 12, 2007 2:44 PM
Fur IS murder
Posted by: FD | March 12, 2007 2:47 PM
I know what you are thinking, awful layout, bad neighbors, but think about this no lawn to mow.
Posted by: FD | March 12, 2007 2:48 PM
So this is what the last Left Behind Book will be like.
Posted by: FD | March 12, 2007 2:50 PM
"Voulez vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?"
Posted by: Andrew | March 12, 2007 3:20 PM
Dog shit? Really? You should sue that home inspector.
Posted by: Walt | March 12, 2007 3:20 PM
"Let me just stop in this boot-shaped AIDS clinic for my test results, and then we'll go have lunch."
Posted by: David John | March 12, 2007 3:36 PM
"Well, at least she's not black."
Posted by: Rubrick | March 12, 2007 3:55 PM
"Poor gal. She's really trying to make it as a whore, but with a nose like Pinocchio, I don't fancy her chances."
Posted by: Rubrick | March 12, 2007 4:00 PM
"Floozie is like so five minutes ago."
Posted by: J.D. | March 12, 2007 5:05 PM
"It's a gaited community."
Posted by: mypalmike | March 12, 2007 5:23 PM
"Sometimes I just like to sit and imagine my house stepping on a human face - forever."
Posted by: RichM | March 12, 2007 5:41 PM
"That's funny, I guess I never noticed my resemblance to that old woman of nursery rhymes. That reminds me, I'm writing a children's book myself. It goes: 'There was an old man who lived in a scrotum. He had so many children because he and his wife liked to copulate frequently.'"
Posted by: mypalmike | March 12, 2007 5:56 PM
"If befriend the sex worker next door I may be able to convince her to stop smoking, thereby preventing her from suffering a wide range of life threatening health problems."
Posted by: J.D. | March 12, 2007 6:07 PM
correction "If I beforend ..." (nertz!)
Posted by: J.D. | March 12, 2007 6:08 PM
3rd time's a charm:
"If I befriend ... "
(I'm off to rehab and I won't bother you any more. Deepest apologies.)
Posted by: J.D. | March 12, 2007 6:09 PM
Think of the children!
Posted by: Charles | March 12, 2007 6:21 PM
No, you're looking for Mother Loose, she lives just a few feet up.
Posted by: Vin Coca | March 12, 2007 6:38 PM
No. Sally, Mike, Tom, Larry, Skip, Joe, Susan, Stephanie, Marie, Claude, Ralph, Laura, Richard, Louie, Pat, Willie, Phillip, Jose, Reggie and Kim are not home right now.
Posted by: Vin Coca | March 12, 2007 6:43 PM
Damn right she's genuine trailer trash -- she moved here from a roller skate.
Posted by: Dex | March 12, 2007 8:19 PM
She may have curb appeal, but
you can't argue with my square footage.
Posted by: JC | March 12, 2007 9:40 PM
"The last owner? Remember that tragedy at the old Evrolet plant last November. Yep. That's was her. Why such a big girl needed platform shoes I'll never know."
Posted by: al in la | March 12, 2007 9:51 PM
Well, Jeanine, you're the last to go. I don't know what to do. And to think, all this time, I thought you children were the problem. Ah, Life.
Posted by: Lorinne | March 12, 2007 10:46 PM
You think that's bad, just wait until you see what Bruce Ratner wants to build on the other side of that fence!
Posted by: znufrii | March 12, 2007 10:50 PM
"I think we should start anal-raping other people."
Posted by: J | March 12, 2007 11:42 PM
"Ssssst! Helen! C'mere. Is... is Mrs. Henderson really over there wearing some kind of streetwalker outfit, or is that LSD I took finally starting to kick in?"
Posted by: Vance | March 13, 2007 12:44 AM
"You know, in my day we used to like a little tongue."
Posted by: jmt | March 13, 2007 12:49 AM
The fishnets are trite but the window in the fur is a pretty interesting metaphor.
Posted by: LW | March 13, 2007 1:06 AM
"Don't mind her, dear. That's just the old dominatrix who lives in the
come-fuck-me slingbacks."
Posted by: J.D. | March 13, 2007 2:31 AM
"[...] Imelda Marcos."
Posted by: ped anti | March 13, 2007 6:27 AM
"Keep it down. She's president of the condo association."
Posted by: Frank | March 13, 2007 6:29 AM
I never should have married that heel.
___________________
I heard her proctologist had to remove a toenail.
_____________________
Martha, can I barrow some toe jam?
Posted by: Jake D | March 13, 2007 7:53 AM
Repent, the giants will return.
Posted by: K | March 13, 2007 8:30 AM
I'm shoe-sitting for my butch daughter.
I think it's time to move to a nice Birkenstock in the country.
I heard she's fucking Lamisil's Digger the dermatophyte.
I've got a nursery rhyme for you: There was a whore who was stealing my business and I cut her throat. Catchy huh?
I taught her the move where she whips them all soundly, and sends them to bed.
Posted by: mobuck | March 13, 2007 9:25 AM
"Elaine's last john cut her legs up pretty badly. I'm going over with a casserole, the poor dear."
Posted by: Clambone | March 13, 2007 10:14 AM
"I can't really say much; I had so many children, I didn't know what to do."
Posted by: Tiberius | March 13, 2007 10:53 AM
"I spent the whole morning rebooting."
Posted by: Tim H | March 13, 2007 2:57 PM
"What I like about this street is the diversity of housing- unlike the copycat flats on T.A. Winchler Way"
"You think this area is getting cheap- they're zoning the next block for flip-flops."
"To save money I'm going to move to mobile manufactured housing at the roller-skate park down by the river."
"It's really a pain to own a place with landmark status- you're stuck with a couple of drab shades of black or brown to polish with."
"Last year that damn Pale Male pooped all over my attic bedroom."
Posted by: LR | March 13, 2007 4:32 PM
"Yes, Constance, but at least her house doesn't look like a fucking watering pail!"
Posted by: Frank | March 13, 2007 6:12 PM
You're not supposed to put your garbage out until Sunday after five p.m.
Posted by: Amy | March 13, 2007 6:35 PM
I finally knew what to do...I drowned them all like kittens.
Posted by: Amy | March 13, 2007 6:37 PM
At least we're not going toe-to-toe.
Posted by: Amy | March 13, 2007 6:38 PM
Her shoe doesn't need stretching.
Posted by: Amy | March 13, 2007 6:39 PM
"I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole. No pun intended."
Posted by: mypalmike | March 13, 2007 11:30 PM
You're right...the neighborhood is going to hell. Well, good night Nancy Sinatra.
Posted by: Dex | March 13, 2007 11:57 PM
"Well, if you're not another transvestite hooker who does foot fetish scences, why'd you move into this place?"
Posted by: al in la | March 14, 2007 1:37 AM
"I wouldn't bother, dear. I don't think she's Maria Ouspenskaya Fan Club material."
Posted by: J.D. | March 14, 2007 9:50 AM
"Now the contractor says he found termites and he's going to have to re-sole. Fuckin' crook."
Posted by: J.D. | March 14, 2007 10:28 AM
You think being a dust mite in Courtney Love's closet is bad, try being stuck in her vagina for ten years.
Posted by: Joe | March 14, 2007 11:00 AM
"I understand that Christopher Weyant was a graduate from the Art Vandelay School of Architecture...and it shows."
Posted by: Tim H | March 14, 2007 11:00 AM
"The old lady hookers I can deal with, but bad taste in shoe houses? I need a new block to work."
Posted by: Eric | March 14, 2007 11:02 AM
"I would have remodeled, but I spent my refi on this three foot barbed wire fence in the back. Keeps out rabbits and deer, but not fading pop stars."
Posted by: Eric | March 14, 2007 11:03 AM
"An old poor lady with a lot of kids and an ugly hooker. It's not a coincidence that this is running for St. Patrick's Day is it? You Jews and your subtle racism."
Posted by: Eric | March 14, 2007 11:04 AM
I have a feeling that when I leave for work she and my husband knock boots in my boot.
Posted by: Joe | March 14, 2007 11:24 AM
"Don't let the fake fur fool you- it's actually sustainable green: insulates in the winter, yet somehow breathes in the summer."
Posted by: Michael | March 14, 2007 12:26 PM
"I want to ask Senator Shoemer to fix the urban blight, but who foots the bill?"
"First came the pumps, then the pimps."
"I see the neighbors have their trash out."
Posted by: LV | March 14, 2007 12:44 PM
"The clear heal you say? Oh my, you poor dear! Well, first you need take a left down slipper alley..."
Posted by: Konatus | March 14, 2007 3:25 PM
"There used to be some nice quiet flats in this neighborhood, but that's all changed."
Posted by: al in la | March 14, 2007 4:19 PM
Trick or treat.
Posted by: Pyn | March 15, 2007 8:03 AM
My summer house is a sandal.
Posted by: Pyn | March 15, 2007 8:14 AM
Some guys from Acme Sales were in the neighborhood today. They were very persistent and they treated me like a dog.
Posted by: Dex | March 15, 2007 8:49 AM
"Hey, if she keeps out the yuppies, she could run a (ital)crack house(ital)for all I care."
Posted by: Michael | March 15, 2007 11:33 AM
"Those laces are for decoration only-there'll be no hanging yourself by a shoestring on my watch, missy!"
Posted by: Zach | March 15, 2007 2:15 PM
"I finally figured out what to do. I drowned them in a flipper."
"Gesundheit!"
"I do or don't like/resemble [obscure reference to magazine journalists and/or the magazine industry]."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | March 15, 2007 2:43 PM
"I don't mind my daughters living next door, but they better not work my street."
Posted by: doc | March 15, 2007 3:58 PM
"The old woman who lives in this shoe just died recently."
Posted by: David John | March 15, 2007 4:31 PM
"Yes, turns our Frank Lloyd Wright was a raging misogynist."
Posted by: Marcee | March 15, 2007 5:02 PM
"Where do you live?"
"A shoe."
"Gesundheit."
"No, a shoe!"
"Wow. Bless you again."
"A shoe! A shoe! A shoe!"
"Might I recommend an antihistamine?"
*sneezes*
"Oh! You're with ACHU, the Association of Condos and HOA's of Utah. What part of Utah exactly?"
(Category: profoundly unfunny)
Posted by: mypalmike | March 15, 2007 5:43 PM
"I keep waiting for the other house to drop."
Posted by: Frank | March 15, 2007 7:13 PM
"I’m Norma from Family Services, and I’m here to investigate allegations that you’ve been been feeding your children broth without bread, and whipping them before putting them to bed.”
Posted by: Frank | March 15, 2007 8:12 PM
Why did I have so many kids? Well I just couldn’t stay off my husband. You know what they say about people with big houses....Suffice it to say, he used to wear tube socks for condoms.......Basically, my husband had a colossal penis and I was as horny as Lance Bass in a firehouse.
Posted by: Vin Coca | March 15, 2007 8:14 PM
I smell feet.
Posted by: Mike | March 15, 2007 8:53 PM
"I envy the whores. They just get abortions."
"Psst, where could I score some triple EEE?"
"Her architect? Jimmy Choo."
"Gesundheit."
"No, Jimmy Choo."
"Wow. Bless you again."
"Choo! Choo! Choo!"
(last one for mypalmike only)
Posted by: nell | March 15, 2007 10:20 PM
"That 50-foot dog came by again and chewed up another house."
Posted by: David John | March 15, 2007 11:59 PM
"No I'm not seeing the third person in the picture either, but at my age I'm not about to expand my damn browser window or go clicking on some link to God-knows-where."
Posted by: NCLEE | March 16, 2007 1:10 AM
...I just wish the neighbourhood had more trees. Get it? We live in shoes, and some people store their shoes on shoe "trees". Damn, I should send that to Jay Leno!
-------------
I bought it because it was the only place that really suited my "giant appliance" furniture. Also, I'm doing the whore next door.
Posted by: junior | March 16, 2007 4:07 PM
"The name's Dench and, yes, she's my wench. Wanna make something out of it? Or do you want to make out or something?"
Posted by: danny | March 16, 2007 5:02 PM
"I thought the real estate agent said you wanted to live among 'shoes'...I'm sorry it didn't work out Ms. Goldberg."
Posted by: al in la | March 17, 2007 12:43 AM
There was an old hooker who worked in a shoe.
She gave expert blowjobs and knew how to screw.
She gave men erections when she gave them head,
But used an old insole instead of a bed.
Posted by: David F. | March 17, 2007 10:18 AM
a la David F...
There was a young harlot who worked from her shoe.
Her old neighbors were nosy, and frowned on what she did do.
But the mayor was her client,
And so very compliant,
She had him send out the boot wrecking crew."
Posted by: LV | March 17, 2007 1:20 PM
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
But try as she would, she could never detect
Which was the cause and which the effect.
-Piet Hein
Posted by: Slide | March 17, 2007 2:47 PM
There was a cartoon with no caption included
So readers were invited to write one completely ill-suited
They would puzzle and ponder
and let their minds wander
All in the hope of having their entry deemed THE most convoluted
Posted by: Erin go Braugh | March 17, 2007 8:58 PM
"No, I don't want to buy any damn odor-eaters."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 3, 2007 3:40 PM
I wouldn't say Vivian next door has 'curly' hair... 'Nappy' yes... but not curly.
Posted by: Johnny V | May 15, 2007 7:02 PM