March 11, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #90

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

Update. For some reason, some people's monitors are cutting off the all-important right hand side of this cartoon. If you're not seeing the third person in the picture, expand your browser window or view the original here.


"I've got a nursery rhyme for you: There was a whore who was stealing my business and I cut her throat. Catchy, huh?"—mobuck

"I used to have so many children, I didn't know what to do. Then I realized I could turn them out to whoring. Have you met my daughter?"—Tim C.

"Wow, the lady next door is a huge slut. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" —maristeph

Honorable mention
"And she was like "Uggs are so over" and I'm like "well Manolos look like whore shoes and yours are at LEAST three season-old whore shoes" and then she's like "you don't know shit, they're vintage" and I'm like "you slut" and then she's like...." —simsburybear

"These Claes Oldenburg sculptures are the perfect place to squat." —Deborah

"You think that's bad, just wait until you see what Bruce Ratner wants to build on the other side of that fence!" —znufrii

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"You see- here in Cliche' Shoe City, whores live in whore shoes."

"My bunions are killing me."

"This neighborhood's gotten rather down-at-heel. Heel! HEEL! Get it?"

"Honey, I remember when they used to call this 'The Silk Stocking District'."

And she was like "Uggs are so over" and I'm like "well Manolos look like whore shoes and yours are at LEAST three season-old whore shoes" and then she's like "you don't know shit, they're vintage" and I'm like "you slut" and then she's like....

"These Claes Oldenburg sculptures are the perfect place to squat."

"This is supposed to be the sensible shoe district. How did she get through the zoning board? Oh, like I really have to guess . . . "

"That's just her summer home, actually. She has a Lands' End style boot for the winter."

"I used to have so many children, I didn't know what to do. Then I realized I could turn them out to whoring. Have you met my daughter?"

"I have so many prostitutes in my employ, I don't know what to do."

"That girl's got quite a shoe rack."

"No, I can't believe what Tina Brown's done to the place, either."

I have scoliosis from trying to stand up in the poorly drawn toe of my house.

"I hate this new zero-lot housing trend."

"It might be hard out here for a pimp, or even an info-pimp, but try being an old whore."

Well, the good news is they're up in the air every night after 9 o'clock.

Tim C. -- 1992 called. It wants its caption back.

I think it called on an old rotary phone, like from last week's cartoon.

"Well, this is certainly a dull amusement park. Other than the prostitutes, that is."

"It was only a matter of time before the foot fetishists showed up."

"Well, Granny, she is your daughter, and you have to take some blame for the environment you raised her in. I mean, having so many children that you "didn't know what to do." Not to mention the abusive way you sent those kids to bed..."

"Living here isn't so bad. The rent is cheap but so are the whores"

"Well, you know, Millie, old shoes and whores get respect if they stick around long enough."

"So you're thinking about giving her a try? Don't bother, is my advice. I asked for a 'round the world' and only got as far as Hoboken, if you get my meaning."

"Oh, great, look who moved in next door. A smoker. That's just perfect."

"Oh, it's not the all night sex romps that bother me, honey. I mean, count my children and you'll see grandma's no stranger to the sheets. I just CAN NOT STAND a smoker!"

"Well, there goes the neighborhood. Next we'll be overrun with basketball shoes and all the riff raff that comes with it."

"Yes, the very nice men from Acme Sales are stopping by with the shoe trees I ordered. I only hope my daughter there can help me pay for them."

"My husband is so non-chalant about it. He said times change, and he plans to 'embrace the diversity.' To which I replied 'Not without rubber gloves and a damn good condom you won't!'"

"Yeah, the Mister was a sweet-talker, he was. 'Lace curtains' my ass!!"

"Sure I was a slut too, but I didn't advertise it."

"Oh, I just pray that the dear Lord will save our soles!"

"I guess it just seemed more like a Scandinavian theme park than I was expecting in a place with its reputation but then I saw the barbed wire fence and the prostitute and I realized it really was Gitmo."

"If I'd known that according to the Koran all houses have to be shaped like shoes and all cars must be wiener-mobiles I would've voted Democrat back in '04."

"Frankly, shoes disgust me. Do you have anything in a brown derby?"

"And Dory Goff wonders where her husband keeps getting athlete's foot!"

"I don't see why you have to be such a big shot and move to Toronto. Your sister found work right here in the neighborhood. What makes you think Trois Rivieres can't use a sitcom writer, eh? You know they don't even live in shoes?"

"Honey, I'm your mother and I want you to know I'll always love you, no matter what your lifestyle is. I hope you and your partner are very happy together in your new Dr. Martens boot."

"Did your shoe come with central heating?"

"Living in a shoe isn't bad persay, but the stench can be overwhelming."

"Say what you will about the whore. At least she pays her neighborhood dues, unlike you!"

"You built a boot? Next to my platform stiletto? What's this neighborhood coming to. Before you know it the whole street will be boots and all the property will be worthless."

"You know what they say about women who live in sensible shoes."

"You know what they say: Like hooch, like cooch."

"Yes, it is for rent. The previous tenant got the boot."

"I heard her house is a knock-off."

"It sure was nice of that Evrolet woman to donate her old shoes to Habitat for Humanity."

"...and that's why I don't listen to Dan Savage, anymore."

"Wow, the lady next door is a huge slut. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?"

"If it weren't for that razor wire fence you could almost pretend you were back home - and not in a concentration camp run by nazis with a foot fetish."

"...and my socks don't match, either."

"I can't believe the Shoetown Co-op Board let that prostitute move in next door. Oh well, at least she's not a negro."

"Have you seen those two men who just moved into the Ben Sherman loafer across the street? I'd tell you what I think of them, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you say 'faggot.'"

I my day, the seven-hole army boot was the fuck-me pump of choice.

She's the town pump. And so is her house.

How can anyone live with so few windows?

Odd that the red light district has no wooden shoes

Fur IS murder

I know what you are thinking, awful layout, bad neighbors, but think about this no lawn to mow.

So this is what the last Left Behind Book will be like.

"Voulez vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?"

Dog shit? Really? You should sue that home inspector.

"Let me just stop in this boot-shaped AIDS clinic for my test results, and then we'll go have lunch."

"Well, at least she's not black."

"Poor gal. She's really trying to make it as a whore, but with a nose like Pinocchio, I don't fancy her chances."

"Floozie is like so five minutes ago."

"It's a gaited community."

"Sometimes I just like to sit and imagine my house stepping on a human face - forever."

"That's funny, I guess I never noticed my resemblance to that old woman of nursery rhymes. That reminds me, I'm writing a children's book myself. It goes: 'There was an old man who lived in a scrotum. He had so many children because he and his wife liked to copulate frequently.'"

"If befriend the sex worker next door I may be able to convince her to stop smoking, thereby preventing her from suffering a wide range of life threatening health problems."

correction "If I beforend ..." (nertz!)

3rd time's a charm:

"If I befriend ... "

(I'm off to rehab and I won't bother you any more. Deepest apologies.)

Think of the children!

No, you're looking for Mother Loose, she lives just a few feet up.

No. Sally, Mike, Tom, Larry, Skip, Joe, Susan, Stephanie, Marie, Claude, Ralph, Laura, Richard, Louie, Pat, Willie, Phillip, Jose, Reggie and Kim are not home right now.

Damn right she's genuine trailer trash -- she moved here from a roller skate.

She may have curb appeal, but
you can't argue with my square footage.

"The last owner? Remember that tragedy at the old Evrolet plant last November. Yep. That's was her. Why such a big girl needed platform shoes I'll never know."

Well, Jeanine, you're the last to go. I don't know what to do. And to think, all this time, I thought you children were the problem. Ah, Life.

You think that's bad, just wait until you see what Bruce Ratner wants to build on the other side of that fence!

"I think we should start anal-raping other people."

"Ssssst! Helen! C'mere. Is... is Mrs. Henderson really over there wearing some kind of streetwalker outfit, or is that LSD I took finally starting to kick in?"

"You know, in my day we used to like a little tongue."

The fishnets are trite but the window in the fur is a pretty interesting metaphor.

"Don't mind her, dear. That's just the old dominatrix who lives in the
come-fuck-me slingbacks."

"[...] Imelda Marcos."

"Keep it down. She's president of the condo association."

I never should have married that heel.

I heard her proctologist had to remove a toenail.

Martha, can I barrow some toe jam?

Repent, the giants will return.

I'm shoe-sitting for my butch daughter.

I think it's time to move to a nice Birkenstock in the country.

I heard she's fucking Lamisil's Digger the dermatophyte.

I've got a nursery rhyme for you: There was a whore who was stealing my business and I cut her throat. Catchy huh?

I taught her the move where she whips them all soundly, and sends them to bed.

"Elaine's last john cut her legs up pretty badly. I'm going over with a casserole, the poor dear."

"I can't really say much; I had so many children, I didn't know what to do."

"I spent the whole morning rebooting."

"What I like about this street is the diversity of housing- unlike the copycat flats on T.A. Winchler Way"

"You think this area is getting cheap- they're zoning the next block for flip-flops."

"To save money I'm going to move to mobile manufactured housing at the roller-skate park down by the river."

"It's really a pain to own a place with landmark status- you're stuck with a couple of drab shades of black or brown to polish with."

"Last year that damn Pale Male pooped all over my attic bedroom."

"Yes, Constance, but at least her house doesn't look like a fucking watering pail!"

You're not supposed to put your garbage out until Sunday after five p.m.

I finally knew what to do...I drowned them all like kittens.

At least we're not going toe-to-toe.

Her shoe doesn't need stretching.

"I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole. No pun intended."

You're right...the neighborhood is going to hell. Well, good night Nancy Sinatra.

"Well, if you're not another transvestite hooker who does foot fetish scences, why'd you move into this place?"

"I wouldn't bother, dear. I don't think she's Maria Ouspenskaya Fan Club material."

"Now the contractor says he found termites and he's going to have to re-sole. Fuckin' crook."

You think being a dust mite in Courtney Love's closet is bad, try being stuck in her vagina for ten years.

"I understand that Christopher Weyant was a graduate from the Art Vandelay School of Architecture...and it shows."

"The old lady hookers I can deal with, but bad taste in shoe houses? I need a new block to work."

"I would have remodeled, but I spent my refi on this three foot barbed wire fence in the back. Keeps out rabbits and deer, but not fading pop stars."

"An old poor lady with a lot of kids and an ugly hooker. It's not a coincidence that this is running for St. Patrick's Day is it? You Jews and your subtle racism."

I have a feeling that when I leave for work she and my husband knock boots in my boot.

"Don't let the fake fur fool you- it's actually sustainable green: insulates in the winter, yet somehow breathes in the summer."

"I want to ask Senator Shoemer to fix the urban blight, but who foots the bill?"

"First came the pumps, then the pimps."

"I see the neighbors have their trash out."

"The clear heal you say? Oh my, you poor dear! Well, first you need take a left down slipper alley..."

"There used to be some nice quiet flats in this neighborhood, but that's all changed."

Trick or treat.

My summer house is a sandal.

Some guys from Acme Sales were in the neighborhood today. They were very persistent and they treated me like a dog.

"Hey, if she keeps out the yuppies, she could run a (ital)crack house(ital)for all I care."

"Those laces are for decoration only-there'll be no hanging yourself by a shoestring on my watch, missy!"

"I finally figured out what to do. I drowned them in a flipper."


"I do or don't like/resemble [obscure reference to magazine journalists and/or the magazine industry]."

"I don't mind my daughters living next door, but they better not work my street."

"The old woman who lives in this shoe just died recently."

"Yes, turns our Frank Lloyd Wright was a raging misogynist."

"Where do you live?"
"A shoe."
"No, a shoe!"
"Wow. Bless you again."
"A shoe! A shoe! A shoe!"
"Might I recommend an antihistamine?"
"Oh! You're with ACHU, the Association of Condos and HOA's of Utah. What part of Utah exactly?"
(Category: profoundly unfunny)

"I keep waiting for the other house to drop."

"Iím Norma from Family Services, and Iím here to investigate allegations that youíve been been feeding your children broth without bread, and whipping them before putting them to bed.Ē

Why did I have so many kids? Well I just couldnít stay off my husband. You know what they say about people with big houses....Suffice it to say, he used to wear tube socks for condoms.......Basically, my husband had a colossal penis and I was as horny as Lance Bass in a firehouse.

I smell feet.

"I envy the whores. They just get abortions."

"Psst, where could I score some triple EEE?"

"Her architect? Jimmy Choo."
"No, Jimmy Choo."
"Wow. Bless you again."
"Choo! Choo! Choo!"

(last one for mypalmike only)

"That 50-foot dog came by again and chewed up another house."

"No I'm not seeing the third person in the picture either, but at my age I'm not about to expand my damn browser window or go clicking on some link to God-knows-where."

...I just wish the neighbourhood had more trees. Get it? We live in shoes, and some people store their shoes on shoe "trees". Damn, I should send that to Jay Leno!

I bought it because it was the only place that really suited my "giant appliance" furniture. Also, I'm doing the whore next door.

"The name's Dench and, yes, she's my wench. Wanna make something out of it? Or do you want to make out or something?"

"I thought the real estate agent said you wanted to live among 'shoes'...I'm sorry it didn't work out Ms. Goldberg."

There was an old hooker who worked in a shoe.
She gave expert blowjobs and knew how to screw.
She gave men erections when she gave them head,
But used an old insole instead of a bed.

a la David F...

There was a young harlot who worked from her shoe.
Her old neighbors were nosy, and frowned on what she did do.
But the mayor was her client,
And so very compliant,
She had him send out the boot wrecking crew."

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
But try as she would, she could never detect
Which was the cause and which the effect.

-Piet Hein

There was a cartoon with no caption included
So readers were invited to write one completely ill-suited
They would puzzle and ponder
and let their minds wander
All in the hope of having their entry deemed THE most convoluted

"No, I don't want to buy any damn odor-eaters."

I wouldn't say Vivian next door has 'curly' hair... 'Nappy' yes... but not curly.

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