February 11, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #87

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's winner and a complaint about quality control.


"Hi. My name's Stuart. I'm sitting in for the Lorax and, in his absence, I speak for the trees." —Tim C.

"Come with me to a magical land beneath this tree! And... uh... unbutton your overalls." — Dan McCoy

"Lumber-JERK!!" —Chuck

Honorable mention
"No rebels under this one, let's get back into our AT-AT." —Joe

"Has Cindy Sheehan left?" —Owen

"What do you mean you've never heard of David Blaine?!" —firebus

"Boy, am I glad to see you! You must have gotten my letter from Iwo Jima." —gary

"You know, I'm thinking we could have dug the hole about four or five feet to the right and it would have been a heck of a lot easier." —SK

"I feel like such a sap for locking myself in the trunk. I'm sure glad you heard me barking. You wanna see my woody...?" —Rubrick

"Sorry. Wrong lumber." —danny

"Here's how you know this forest is magical: 1. You sawed all day but don't feel tired. 2. I'm a goat from the waist down. 3. Count the rings--this giant tree is only six years old! 4. We don't adhere to the rule of three in comedy." —nell

Posted by Daniel Radosh


I have no idea how a tree could get so large in only six years. I just live here.

What the fuck?!?!?

Remember that squirrel you fucked 20 years ago?

Imminent domain, my ass!

"You're right, this would make an awesome hot tub!"

"A hole in a living tree is usually caused by an injury which breaks
through the bark and exposes the sapwood. This is followed by
weathering and the infection of the raw wood by fungi and bacteria.
Sometimes, before the wound is closed by the healing overgrowth of
bark, the softened wood is invaded by carpenter ants and boring beetles or in this case, me."

Gee willikers you sure are good with a tiny saw.

So tell a bigger lie...

"I hollowed out this tree just to make a joke about how it's roomier than an apartment in New York City. Get it?"

"Great, thanks. This will make a perfect treehouse for my son Kevin. He doesn't like to climb, see. Just leave the rest there - someone will take it."

"Well, you were right. It was completely hallow at the base. Do you want to go double or nothing for the tree behind you?"

"Look out, dude! You're about to be wiped out by that tsunami!!! ...Hmmm, come to think of it, so am I, thanks to you, jackass."

"Squeal like a pig, boy."

"Nice going. Now what are you going to do about that humongous elephant next to us."

Shhh... I'm hiding the anti-caption contest in here! That way all of the boring, unfunny people that have been overwhelming me with their random, unfunny captions won't be able to find it...shhhhh!

"I would have guessed that such a small saw would have been insufficient for this job. Color me impressed, lumberjack!"

"Come with me to a magical land beneath this tree! And... uh... unbutton your overalls."

Now maybe those elves will finally stop fucking my wife.

Good now with this tree gone our back yard will look completely two dimensional

Congratulations you found me, now I shall pass onto you the mystical origin of tree sap.

No rebels under this one, let's get back into our AT-AT.

Yes having long legs and almost no torso does make me a better lumberjack

Oy Vey inside of this tree is a little Jewish boy

Oy Vey inside of this tree is a little Jewish boy

"He saw my IP address! There's nothing left for me to do except crawl inside this stump and die of shame. I knew I should've just done a Damien Hirst reference and then called it a week."

Hey, Ezekiel, come down here. I want to show you a really big log.

"Why did you drag that large log into my yard? I only asked you to dig out this old stump."

"P.C., next time if you feel like teenager, could you carve your name into a tree we just cut down instead of the new concrete drive I just poured?"

"That? The 50-foot woman from the Evrolet plant stopped by. I got scared and hid here, but it turns out she was just trying to be neighborly. It's going to take a year to finish the nut roll she made."

"Your beard is obvious a clip on."

"No, Mr. 20-Years-In-The-Future and now Even-More-Insane-Vice-President Cheney, no Iraqi WMD's here either. Who told you they were hidden in Oregon, Douglas Feith?"

"You're one fugly Blair Witch."

"What do you mean by 'embedded cell'?"

I am indeed made of nougat. Eat me.

"Think of me as the 'toy surprise.'"

"Would you be so kind as to walk around this stump and retrieve the top of my head which you so carelessly sawed off... jackass?"

"It's Cheney Quail Hunt Day! If you had any sense, you'd be hiding inside something bulletproof too, jackass."

"Tell Cheney that this was nothing compared to the waterboarding."

Listen Farfel, while I go digging for truffles, could you stop drawing interpretive nipples on the bark.

"Well, I'll give him this much -- Houdini was better at drawing a crowd."

"I am writing a thesis on how a seven-year old tree with a cylindrical trunk could grow out of a stump that has an irregularly outline and a hollow in the middle."


"Eureka! Amish paradise! My brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie."

"I found a hatch."

"I hope you aren't going to tell a lie about chopping down this cherry tree, Mr. Lincoln. Oh wait, that was George Washington, wasn't it? Man, I have been in the tree waaaay too long"

"You realize, of course, that now everyone will assume that this tree trunk came from that tree? And you know what happens when you assume? That's right, 'you make an ass out of you and Uma Thurman.' Or something."

You're getting veerrrry sleepy.

Yes the inside of a log does look like a time portal

"Please can you help me find my half-brother? The last place I saw him was in 'The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #84.'"

If Michael Richards sees his shadow, we're in for 3 more bitter months of racial unrest.

"Way to measure. I said I
wanted privacy. P-R-I-V-A-C-Y. Cancel my pants alterations, jackass!"

Has Cindy Sheehan left?

I just had the funniest thought Boone. Imagine if a passerby chanced upon us at this very second and saw me standing in the trunk of the tree with you with a saw on the outside. I bet he'd think of all sort of crazy scenarios of what was going on.

"It is incredible that you could carve, with a handsaw, a talking figure out of a single stump. But even more miraculous is that you did it without producing a single particle sawdust."

insert 'of'

"You heard me. I said put it back."

What do you mean you've never heard of David Blaine?!

"I know mankind has been waiting 500 years for the perfect dartboard, but just gimme a few more minutes to finish whittling these darts down here."

Quit staring. Haven't you ever seen a man take a leak in a tree stump before?

"How'd I get in here? I'm stumped."

"I guess this makes two of us that have dropped enormous logs today."

"Y'know, I've read our work here will increase CO2 emissions, contribute to global warming, create a vast desert over a signifcant portion of the world's landmass, and gradually make the planet uninhabitable to all but the ultra-wealthy who will have created arks for themselves and their descendants in vast subterranean cities. So in five generations, everyone will be as beautiful and talented as Renee Zellweger. Makes you proud to wake up in the morning, you know?"

"Boy, am I glad to see you! You must have gotten my letter from Iwo Jima."


"Just freakin' great. Now you can see the forest."

They hid all of the oil in these tree stumps, along with the Jews.

Hollywood started whispering about a "Heather Graham curse" when Stargate: Appalachia was also cancelled after one episode.

That's right, you get three fishes.

If you want to cut my sister out of that one, I hear she's a pretty good lay.

"Let's make sure we have our stories straight, Roelof. I didn't introduce Dutch Elm Disease to North America and neither did you."


"Hi. My name's Stuart. I'm sitting in for the Lorax and, in his absence, I speak for the trees."

Hey, Daniel, I want to sincerely apologize. I have acute identity problems plus a tendency to 'drink and caption,' but I've just entered a 12 step program to work on it.

"No doubt I'll be telling this one with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence."

"I saw 'Roots', too. A great miniseries. But what the hell does that have to do with the present situation?"

Wipe that stupid look off of your face, put down the saw and help me wheel myself out of here, Jethro.

"Anna Nicole died"? That's the news you sawed off my roof to tell me?

"Hello, I'm Sam Gribley, the protagonist of My Side of the Mountain. You've just destroyed the hollowed-out tree that was my home."

"Foor moor tlees an' ole Scotlan'll be coomplet'lah flee o'tha menace."

"And if you think *this* is weird, wait 'till you cut me open and discover the tiny tree inside me."

"Upon reflection I have come to the conclusion that I will be a better person without alcohol in my life."

"Thanks, I needed a trim."

"Thanks, Mister Bombadil!"

"I feel like such a sap for locking myself in the trunk. I'm sure glad you heard me barking. You wanna see my woody...?"

"My job is to make sure there's always someone around to hear it.

Hey! Who cut down my tree?


oops. Vance had it

Hey there Mr. Wilderness Man. There's room for two.

Quick! get inside. The squirrels are coming.

"Freeze, dirtbag!!!"

Is Jesus like in there, with you?

quick bring the super glue!

I don't know how you found me but you found me. Run for it Marty!!

Even Sherwood Forest is not immune to Urban Sprawl.

"Thank you, kind Amish sir!"

"Good God! Have you run out of flannel in the future?!"

"Just chillin', Jeremiah."

"It's about time! I counted those rings 8,000 times."

"I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees! This one said 'Ow...shit...you're cutting me ....ahhhh....you bastard. Now I'm falling!! Damn yooooooooou....splat!'"

"Well, don't just stand there gawking, you big smelly oaf. Hand me some toilet paper."

Hey! Get your own tree.

After faking his death in France and posing for years in the African jungle as a deaf, mute lumberjack, Jim Morrison is shocked to uncover Elvis Presley hiding in a dead tree.

If you think *this* is weird, go cut that tree down.

"Thanks for freeing me from the ancient curse. You must now trade places with me."

*man in stump sings a la Lovin' Spoonfuls* Do you believe in magic?

I've heard about you people with your shiny metal objects going around cutting our homes down. You're sick!!

Skinamarinki dinky dink skinamarinki doo, I love you. I bet you didn't expect that.

"Answer that for yourself, Billy Bob. Do I look like the fucking tooth fairy?"

"Here's how you know this forest is magical: 1. You sawed all day but don't feel tired. 2. I'm a goat from the waist down. 3. Count the rings--this giant tree is only six years old! 4. We don't adhere to the rule of three in comedy."

Hollow, there.

Alright, now I'LL count to 100,000,000 and YOU hide.

"So, my home's going to be pulped and turned into copies of The New Yorker? I'm sorry -- that just strikes me as a tremendous waste. The classics... a newspaper... even high-end porn, I could understand. But I'm being exposed to the elements so Adam Gopnik can have a wider audience for his maunderings on what it's like to be upper-middle-class and a parent of precocious children and live in Manhattan, as if nobody's ever fucking done any of those things in the course of human history? Ugh. I feel doubly insulted now."

"Okay, Emil, that was excellent. Next week we'll try it with a real tree."

"I wasn't hiding from you, I just needed some space."

"So I submit lame captions. It's nothing to get saw about. So how you find me? My IP address?

"Okay, let's get this straight. I get inside the trunk and you put the tree back on top, and when the commies come, I'll jump out and take them all by surprise!"

"Sorry doesn't cut it."

"I was hoping you were the cable guy."

"Who's this Radosh guy and why'd he send you to cut me off at 5 captions?"

"How'd you lose the arm?"


"Dude, you just chopped down a tree and found a human being inside! I think that merits a little more surprise than two tiny motion lines!"

"You sure know how to stroke the little man in the oak."

"Now I see what you sawed."

"The innermost two rings of that log are actually the top of my head and brain. Would you bring them over and replace them, please?"

"You're a lumberjack and you're not OK.
You wrecked my house- now you have to pay."

"Do you want some cookies or not? Decide quickly, the old one's starting to come around and I don't want to have to hit him again."

"One of us! One of us!"

"There's no coherent Iraq policy in this one either, Mr. President."

"Holy Shit! Martha get up here. Howard Hughes just chopped our house down! Effin A, man, Effin A."


Well, the idyllic island surroundings, combined with the homicidal hillbilly in overalls with an obvious clip on beard suggest very strongly to me that I am a survivor of Oceanic flight 815. Unfortunately, that doesn't explain why I'm taking a dump in this hollowed out tree stump...but enough about me. Where the fuck is your arm, dude?

"That should be enough room. Bring the car around and let's unload the bodies before the trunk starts to stink."

"Stump's full."

"Sorry. Wrong lumber."

"Now for the second labor: Carefully unroll the giant phyllo."

"Thanks for working so hard to cut me loose before I ran out of oxygen. As a show of gratitude, please allow me to buy you a fucking chainsaw !"

I distinctly heard you call "Tim Burr!" and that's my name. I'm going to have to bill you for the site visit, I'm afraid.

Thanks! If you hadn't sawed the tree down just now, my escape tunnel from that hedge maze would have ended a hundred feet up in the air.

I think that I shall never see
A winning caption penned by me.

Outstanding! And now I shall free my willy.

It's too low. How many times do I have to tell you? Measure twice, cut once!

To complete my squirrel fantasy, I'm going to need your nuts.

"Sure I love candy but my daddy says I should only take secret naked naps with him."

"I can't believe I slept through that."

"We make a fine team as anthropomorphic head lice, you and I. Now fell me another hair shaft and I'll ream out the follicle."

"Years ago I was on a really bad acid trip and I swear I crawled into an acorn and went to sleep."

It tastes like chicken.

You're the worst executioner I've ever seen.

I'm not climbing out of here, Goober, until you promise I can cut down the next one.

Call me 'Ahab'

I think I'm gonna take the penalty strokes.

"Then, somebody said, 'Throw the Jew down the tree!'"

I'm from the environmental action center's undercover division to stop deforestation. Drop that hand saw!


"I bet you're probably wondering what I'm doing inside of a tree."

"Thanks for the haircut"

Next time, you be the weasel.

My head's on backwards!

I used to hug trees but why stuff around ... now I go straight for a root.

Oi, surely you have heard of Rabbi Stumpy!

Qi, you're tired ..I'm totally rooted.

Quick, cut it into planks before any of those Greenies see it.

Stop watching and find me some toilet paper!

"Thank you, Mario! But your princess is in another castle."

"What with global warming they say Ontario will soon be the new Wisconsin."

"What am I doing? ...I'm going to DISNEY WORLD!!!"

"You're too late. Keebler moved to Mexico and the elves...well,you don't want to know."

"I'm sorry, the reason I can't help staring at your crotch is because you don't have one."

"I'll be out in a minute."

"Surprised? Happy Valentine's day, sweetie."

"First I lave the skin with lukewarm distilled water and pat it dry. I gently rub a bit of cocoa butter in the hot spots, you know, around the eyes, nasal labial folds and neck. Then I apply aloe gel that I squeeze directly from a freshly cut leaf. Once you get the habit, it's easy maintaining a youthful appearance in the north woods, but if you don't start now you'll end up looking like Willem Dafoe when you're thirty."

Canadian Football League Pre-Draft Combine:
"Nice job, kid. Now let's see how many times you can bench-press it."

You know, I'm thinking we could have dug the hole about four or five feet to the right and it would have been a heck of a lot easier.

I believe we can run the cable straight up the taproot.

"Alls I can say is, those Keebler elves are freaking slumlords!"

"Every bow you break,
Every tree you take,
IŽll be watching you."

[SK - you should submit that "hole" caption to the actual contest, as it is too funny for the unfunny contest imo.]

"I'm with the Al Franken campaign. Would you be interested in playing Paul Bunyan in our new ad? We're looking for ways to appeal to the Iron Range voters."

"And you thought no one around to hear it."

Can I talk to you about Scientology?

Yeah, I meant to say:

"And you thought no one was around to hear it."

"My name's Gibbons, Euell Gibbons. Ever eat a pine tree?"

....tell Mr. Fudd we've definately got that qwazy wabbit now.

"You could have picked a smaller tree, but what's done is done. Good luck carving that new arm."

"Every leaf you shake
Every bow you break,
Every tree you take,
Every house you make,
IŽll be watching you."

(It just gets better doesnŽt it?)

"You came, you sawed,...whatever."

[To al in la: Sorry I didn't notice your Keebler reference 12 hours before mine. My bad.]

"I am the spirit of the tree, you have disturbed my sacred slumber. Prepare to feel the BRUNT OF MY WRATH!!....What!? No, IŽm not masterbating in here.... IŽll have you know I was merely scratching. Why am I not wearing pants? Well.... I was hot!"

(It did get better, Alex. In your honor:)

Young woodsman, the subject
Of gnomish fantasy.
He wants him, so badly,
Knows where he wants to be.
Outside now, there's sawing,
He's taking down my tree!
Good-looking, he's butch now-
This stud has come for me.

Come stand, one-hand, oh,
And man this hole with me.

"Sorry. There doesn't seem to be any giant toad here with a key in its belly. Y'know, I'm beginning to think that sinister faun was full of shit."

"One second we're on a stage in Vegas and the next we're in a magical forest. I think we've tapped into some real magic, Penn! And, hey, I can talk!"

"Citizen's arrest, dirt bag, for complying with Bush's Healty Forest Initiative!"

Thinking that you can cut down all fo these tall trees with that one lousy hand saw is almost as stupid as me thinking there is something constructive that I can get done while sitting in this stump.

The hole in my head is oddly shaped just like the hole in this tree.

"Watch this. Now I'll pretend to be walking down stairs."

Hey Earl, wanna hump in this here stump, because I'll really shake my rump, which by the way is really plump, and lacks any lumps, so you can go thump and pump, and afterwards I'll take a big old dump.

"If I say something funny, some guy wins a cartoon caption contest."

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Hi! My name is Steve. I live in a tree. What's your name?"

I was a girl from Birmingham!
I just had an abortion!
I was a case of insanity!
My name is Pauline I live in a tree...

"Wow, that was close -- you almost got me with that saw"


"Hey! You almost decapitated me, you crazy bastard!"

"My name's Clark. Kimberly ... Clark."

ooops, meant to say:



"Anne Heche is the lady for me, for I am a man in a tree. You saw. You see? Tee hee, yippee!"

"Come on in, the sapŽs lovely"

Well, I'm stumped.

"Please help me sir. My poo wonŽt come out."

"Hey, I was sleeping! OOOOOOOO, nice saw!"

"Happy Birthday!"

Well I be damned. It didn't make a sound.

Taking a shit dumbass. What do you think I'm doing?

You act like you've never seen a Keebler elf whackin' it before.

"Dude. I'm excited as you that we cut down the tree, but put your fucking clothes back on."

Where must I go to masturbate in peace?

I've been waiting all my life to say this... hello, Dad.

"Please cut my throat with your saw so I won't have to endure another full week of this same cartoon."

"Yes, dammit, I'm a wood nymph! Maybe you were expecting something more like this?" http://www.bergenart.com/images/product/tomac_the_wood_nymph.gif

"Yes, dammit, I'm a wood nymph! Maybe you were expecting something more like this?"

"OK, there's just enough room; you can put the tree back up now."

"Had I known that I would be involved in a TWO WEEK caption contest I would've dressed more warmly."


"I have Down Syndrome. It causes me to really Žget downŽ."

"Sawing through a giant tree and finding me, an ugly, balding guy with a huge nose, is much like wading through several hundred captions and eventually getting to this one."

"Look, you're a MySpace friend. That's not like a real friend, okay?"

Beside living in a tree check No for cures for Cancer. Next up is sucking face with carp. And its your turn.

"Well, this is awkward."

"Congrats! I am the 200th gnome you've almost decaptionated!"

"200 captions? About time we got a sexy dancing animal in here, ain't it?"

"Me, scared of you? I'm just trying to figure out how you were able to put your astronaut diapers on in the first place."

So look here, Sal, if you figure one arm's length is about two and a half feet, that's your radius, and I'm about three feet tall when crouching on my knees, so you're looking at a depth of about two feet, that makes a total of ... um ... 39 and a quarter square feet that a woodchuck can chuck.

[correction: cubic feet]

"Alls I'm saying is you're no Joyce Kilmer."

"I'm a mole. Whack me."

"Yeah, sure, it's small in here. But it's got its' own hockey franchise."

Take me to your leader.

"Do you mind?"

"Tree 'huggers' are so 90s."


Happy birthday to you. happy birthday to you, happy birthday .... oh crap your not the president .... you made me use the good suprise!

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