The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #87

I have no idea how a tree could get so large in only six years. I just live here.

What the fuck?!?!?

Posted by: Tom Meltzer | February 12, 2007 9:27 AM

Remember that squirrel you fucked 20 years ago?

Posted by: Carl | February 12, 2007 9:28 AM

Imminent domain, my ass!

Posted by: Dashiell | February 12, 2007 9:36 AM

"You're right, this would make an awesome hot tub!"

Posted by: Francis | February 12, 2007 9:37 AM

"A hole in a living tree is usually caused by an injury which breaks
through the bark and exposes the sapwood. This is followed by
weathering and the infection of the raw wood by fungi and bacteria.
Sometimes, before the wound is closed by the healing overgrowth of
bark, the softened wood is invaded by carpenter ants and boring beetles or in this case, me."

Posted by: Tiberius | February 12, 2007 9:38 AM

Gee willikers you sure are good with a tiny saw.

Posted by: LW | February 12, 2007 9:42 AM

So tell a bigger lie...

Posted by: simsburybear | February 12, 2007 9:45 AM

"I hollowed out this tree just to make a joke about how it's roomier than an apartment in New York City. Get it?"

Posted by: rjwhite | February 12, 2007 9:45 AM

"Great, thanks. This will make a perfect treehouse for my son Kevin. He doesn't like to climb, see. Just leave the rest there - someone will take it."

"Well, you were right. It was completely hallow at the base. Do you want to go double or nothing for the tree behind you?"

Posted by: Deborah | February 12, 2007 9:59 AM

"Look out, dude! You're about to be wiped out by that tsunami!!! ...Hmmm, come to think of it, so am I, thanks to you, jackass."

Posted by: Vance | February 12, 2007 10:12 AM

"Squeal like a pig, boy."

Posted by: Rich | February 12, 2007 10:32 AM

"Nice going. Now what are you going to do about that humongous elephant next to us."

Posted by: Tim H | February 12, 2007 10:32 AM

Shhh... I'm hiding the anti-caption contest in here! That way all of the boring, unfunny people that have been overwhelming me with their random, unfunny captions won't be able to find it...shhhhh!

Posted by: anonymous | February 12, 2007 10:35 AM

"I would have guessed that such a small saw would have been insufficient for this job. Color me impressed, lumberjack!"

Posted by: Dan McCoy | February 12, 2007 10:46 AM

"Come with me to a magical land beneath this tree! And... uh... unbutton your overalls."

Posted by: Dan McCoy | February 12, 2007 10:47 AM

Now maybe those elves will finally stop fucking my wife.

Posted by: Jason Pettus | February 12, 2007 10:53 AM

Good now with this tree gone our back yard will look completely two dimensional

Posted by: FD | February 12, 2007 10:53 AM

Congratulations you found me, now I shall pass onto you the mystical origin of tree sap.

Posted by: Joe | February 12, 2007 10:56 AM

No rebels under this one, let's get back into our AT-AT.

Posted by: Joe | February 12, 2007 11:02 AM

Yes having long legs and almost no torso does make me a better lumberjack

Posted by: FD | February 12, 2007 11:07 AM

Oy Vey inside of this tree is a little Jewish boy

Posted by: FD | February 12, 2007 11:10 AM

Oy Vey inside of this tree is a little Jewish boy

Posted by: FD | February 12, 2007 11:10 AM

"He saw my IP address! There's nothing left for me to do except crawl inside this stump and die of shame. I knew I should've just done a Damien Hirst reference and then called it a week."

Posted by: Nom De Plume No. 5 | February 12, 2007 11:20 AM

Hey, Ezekiel, come down here. I want to show you a really big log.

Posted by: R | February 12, 2007 11:21 AM

"Why did you drag that large log into my yard? I only asked you to dig out this old stump."

"P.C., next time if you feel like teenager, could you carve your name into a tree we just cut down instead of the new concrete drive I just poured?"

"That? The 50-foot woman from the Evrolet plant stopped by. I got scared and hid here, but it turns out she was just trying to be neighborly. It's going to take a year to finish the nut roll she made."

"Your beard is obvious a clip on."

Posted by: 99 | February 12, 2007 11:22 AM

"No, Mr. 20-Years-In-The-Future and now Even-More-Insane-Vice-President Cheney, no Iraqi WMD's here either. Who told you they were hidden in Oregon, Douglas Feith?"

Posted by: Anonymous | February 12, 2007 11:23 AM

"You're one fugly Blair Witch."

Posted by: David John | February 12, 2007 11:51 AM

"What do you mean by 'embedded cell'?"

Posted by: doc | February 12, 2007 11:57 AM

I am indeed made of nougat. Eat me.

Posted by: Tom | February 12, 2007 11:57 AM

"Think of me as the 'toy surprise.'"

Posted by: doc | February 12, 2007 12:02 PM

"Would you be so kind as to walk around this stump and retrieve the top of my head which you so carelessly sawed off... jackass?"

"It's Cheney Quail Hunt Day! If you had any sense, you'd be hiding inside something bulletproof too, jackass."

Posted by: Vance | February 12, 2007 12:06 PM

"Tell Cheney that this was nothing compared to the waterboarding."

Posted by: doc | February 12, 2007 12:14 PM

Listen Farfel, while I go digging for truffles, could you stop drawing interpretive nipples on the bark.

Posted by: Joe | February 12, 2007 12:24 PM

"Well, I'll give him this much -- Houdini was better at drawing a crowd."

Posted by: doc | February 12, 2007 12:32 PM

"I am writing a thesis on how a seven-year old tree with a cylindrical trunk could grow out of a stump that has an irregularly outline and a hollow in the middle."

Posted by: RichM | February 12, 2007 12:54 PM

irregular

Posted by: RichM | February 12, 2007 12:54 PM

"Eureka! Amish paradise! My brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie."

Posted by: danny | February 12, 2007 12:58 PM

"I found a hatch."

Posted by: David John | February 12, 2007 1:08 PM

"I hope you aren't going to tell a lie about chopping down this cherry tree, Mr. Lincoln. Oh wait, that was George Washington, wasn't it? Man, I have been in the tree waaaay too long"

Posted by: Steve | February 12, 2007 1:18 PM

"You realize, of course, that now everyone will assume that this tree trunk came from that tree? And you know what happens when you assume? That's right, 'you make an ass out of you and Uma Thurman.' Or something."

Posted by: Tim H | February 12, 2007 1:32 PM

You're getting veerrrry sleepy.

Posted by: Andrew | February 12, 2007 1:34 PM

Yes the inside of a log does look like a time portal

Posted by: FD | February 12, 2007 1:39 PM

"Please can you help me find my half-brother? The last place I saw him was in 'The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #84.'"

Posted by: Tim H | February 12, 2007 1:42 PM

If Michael Richards sees his shadow, we're in for 3 more bitter months of racial unrest.

Posted by: Joe | February 12, 2007 1:49 PM

"Way to measure. I said I
wanted privacy. P-R-I-V-A-C-Y. Cancel my pants alterations, jackass!"

Posted by: Greg | February 12, 2007 2:19 PM

Has Cindy Sheehan left?

Posted by: Owen | February 12, 2007 2:19 PM

I just had the funniest thought Boone. Imagine if a passerby chanced upon us at this very second and saw me standing in the trunk of the tree with you with a saw on the outside. I bet he'd think of all sort of crazy scenarios of what was going on.

Posted by: Anonymous | February 12, 2007 2:24 PM

"It is incredible that you could carve, with a handsaw, a talking figure out of a single stump. But even more miraculous is that you did it without producing a single particle sawdust."

Posted by: danny | February 12, 2007 2:29 PM

insert 'of'

Posted by: danny | February 12, 2007 2:29 PM

"You heard me. I said put it back."

Posted by: The Other Steve | February 12, 2007 2:30 PM

What do you mean you've never heard of David Blaine?!

Posted by: firebus | February 12, 2007 2:34 PM

"I know mankind has been waiting 500 years for the perfect dartboard, but just gimme a few more minutes to finish whittling these darts down here."

Posted by: gadi | February 12, 2007 3:09 PM

Quit staring. Haven't you ever seen a man take a leak in a tree stump before?

Posted by: k | February 12, 2007 3:11 PM

"How'd I get in here? I'm stumped."

"I guess this makes two of us that have dropped enormous logs today."

"Y'know, I've read our work here will increase CO2 emissions, contribute to global warming, create a vast desert over a signifcant portion of the world's landmass, and gradually make the planet uninhabitable to all but the ultra-wealthy who will have created arks for themselves and their descendants in vast subterranean cities. So in five generations, everyone will be as beautiful and talented as Renee Zellweger. Makes you proud to wake up in the morning, you know?"

Posted by: Trout Almondine | February 12, 2007 3:15 PM

"Boy, am I glad to see you! You must have gotten my letter from Iwo Jima."

Posted by: gary | February 12, 2007 3:21 PM

"Gay."

Posted by: steven | February 12, 2007 3:28 PM

"Just freakin' great. Now you can see the forest."

Posted by: The Other Steve | February 12, 2007 3:35 PM

They hid all of the oil in these tree stumps, along with the Jews.

Posted by: K | February 12, 2007 3:36 PM

Hollywood started whispering about a "Heather Graham curse" when Stargate: Appalachia was also cancelled after one episode.

Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | February 12, 2007 4:09 PM

That's right, you get three fishes.

Posted by: albuqwirke | February 12, 2007 4:12 PM

If you want to cut my sister out of that one, I hear she's a pretty good lay.

Posted by: DR | February 12, 2007 4:18 PM

"Let's make sure we have our stories straight, Roelof. I didn't introduce Dutch Elm Disease to North America and neither did you."

Posted by: David John | February 12, 2007 4:24 PM

Surprise!

Posted by: Anonymous | February 12, 2007 4:47 PM

"Hi. My name's Stuart. I'm sitting in for the Lorax and, in his absence, I speak for the trees."

Posted by: Tim C. | February 12, 2007 4:47 PM

Hey, Daniel, I want to sincerely apologize. I have acute identity problems plus a tendency to 'drink and caption,' but I've just entered a 12 step program to work on it.

Posted by: Sanford6, multiple Miggs, Davided, 32, Victoria, edgy, jazzy, Senator John F. Kerry, Goofy, Sneezy, | February 12, 2007 5:11 PM

"No doubt I'll be telling this one with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence."

Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | February 12, 2007 5:29 PM

"I saw 'Roots', too. A great miniseries. But what the hell does that have to do with the present situation?"

Posted by: mypalmike | February 12, 2007 5:43 PM

Wipe that stupid look off of your face, put down the saw and help me wheel myself out of here, Jethro.

"Anna Nicole died"? That's the news you sawed off my roof to tell me?

Posted by: Charles | February 12, 2007 5:51 PM

"Hello, I'm Sam Gribley, the protagonist of My Side of the Mountain. You've just destroyed the hollowed-out tree that was my home."

Posted by: John Tabin | February 12, 2007 5:59 PM

"Foor moor tlees an' ole Scotlan'll be coomplet'lah flee o'tha menace."

Posted by: mypalmike | February 12, 2007 6:00 PM

"And if you think *this* is weird, wait 'till you cut me open and discover the tiny tree inside me."

Posted by: Tim C. | February 12, 2007 6:20 PM

"Upon reflection I have come to the conclusion that I will be a better person without alcohol in my life."

Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | February 12, 2007 6:26 PM

"Thanks, I needed a trim."

Posted by: Francis | February 12, 2007 6:43 PM

"Thanks, Mister Bombadil!"

"I feel like such a sap for locking myself in the trunk. I'm sure glad you heard me barking. You wanna see my woody...?"

"My job is to make sure there's always someone around to hear it.

Posted by: Rubrick | February 12, 2007 6:47 PM

Hey! Who cut down my tree?

Posted by: Tom | February 12, 2007 7:03 PM

"Tsunami!!!"

Posted by: danny | February 12, 2007 7:08 PM

oops. Vance had it

Posted by: danny | February 12, 2007 7:08 PM

Hey there Mr. Wilderness Man. There's room for two.

Posted by: Grant | February 12, 2007 8:18 PM

Quick! get inside. The squirrels are coming.

Posted by: Anonymous | February 12, 2007 8:21 PM

"Freeze, dirtbag!!!"

Posted by: Chuck | February 12, 2007 8:22 PM

Is Jesus like in there, with you?

Posted by: Grant | February 12, 2007 8:24 PM

quick bring the super glue!

Posted by: Megan Smith | February 12, 2007 8:25 PM

I don't know how you found me but you found me. Run for it Marty!!

Posted by: Grant | February 12, 2007 8:26 PM

Even Sherwood Forest is not immune to Urban Sprawl.

Posted by: Ron Mwangaguhunga | February 12, 2007 8:30 PM

"Thank you, kind Amish sir!"

"Good God! Have you run out of flannel in the future?!"

"Just chillin', Jeremiah."

"It's about time! I counted those rings 8,000 times."

Posted by: Michael | February 12, 2007 8:31 PM

"I am the Lorax and I speak for the trees! This one said 'Ow...shit...you're cutting me ....ahhhh....you bastard. Now I'm falling!! Damn yooooooooou....splat!'"

Posted by: Brad Bannister | February 12, 2007 9:10 PM

"Well, don't just stand there gawking, you big smelly oaf. Hand me some toilet paper."

Posted by: Brad Bannister | February 12, 2007 9:13 PM

Hey! Get your own tree.

Posted by: Frank | February 12, 2007 9:31 PM

After faking his death in France and posing for years in the African jungle as a deaf, mute lumberjack, Jim Morrison is shocked to uncover Elvis Presley hiding in a dead tree.

Posted by: Brad Bannister | February 12, 2007 9:31 PM

If you think *this* is weird, go cut that tree down.

Posted by: Tyler | February 12, 2007 9:32 PM

"Thanks for freeing me from the ancient curse. You must now trade places with me."

Posted by: Brad Bannister | February 12, 2007 9:33 PM

*man in stump sings a la Lovin' Spoonfuls* Do you believe in magic?

Posted by: Frank | February 12, 2007 9:36 PM

I've heard about you people with your shiny metal objects going around cutting our homes down. You're sick!!

Posted by: Frank | February 12, 2007 9:52 PM

Skinamarinki dinky dink skinamarinki doo, I love you. I bet you didn't expect that.

Posted by: Tyler | February 12, 2007 9:57 PM

"Answer that for yourself, Billy Bob. Do I look like the fucking tooth fairy?"

Posted by: Brad Bannister | February 12, 2007 10:09 PM

"Here's how you know this forest is magical: 1. You sawed all day but don't feel tired. 2. I'm a goat from the waist down. 3. Count the rings--this giant tree is only six years old! 4. We don't adhere to the rule of three in comedy."

Posted by: nell | February 12, 2007 10:44 PM

Hollow, there.

Posted by: Jay | February 12, 2007 11:19 PM

Alright, now I'LL count to 100,000,000 and YOU hide.

Posted by: Jay | February 12, 2007 11:20 PM

"So, my home's going to be pulped and turned into copies of The New Yorker? I'm sorry -- that just strikes me as a tremendous waste. The classics... a newspaper... even high-end porn, I could understand. But I'm being exposed to the elements so Adam Gopnik can have a wider audience for his maunderings on what it's like to be upper-middle-class and a parent of precocious children and live in Manhattan, as if nobody's ever fucking done any of those things in the course of human history? Ugh. I feel doubly insulted now."

Posted by: Tim C. | February 12, 2007 11:59 PM

"Okay, Emil, that was excellent. Next week we'll try it with a real tree."

Posted by: Francis | February 13, 2007 12:51 AM

"I wasn't hiding from you, I just needed some space."

Posted by: The Other Steve | February 13, 2007 1:16 AM

"So I submit lame captions. It's nothing to get saw about. So how you find me? My IP address?

Posted by: al in la | February 13, 2007 1:23 AM

"Okay, let's get this straight. I get inside the trunk and you put the tree back on top, and when the commies come, I'll jump out and take them all by surprise!"

Posted by: znufrii | February 13, 2007 1:30 AM

"Sorry doesn't cut it."

Posted by: eenie | February 13, 2007 5:52 AM

"I was hoping you were the cable guy."

Posted by: eenie | February 13, 2007 5:54 AM

"Who's this Radosh guy and why'd he send you to cut me off at 5 captions?"

Posted by: eenie | February 13, 2007 5:58 AM

"How'd you lose the arm?"

Posted by: eenie | February 13, 2007 7:19 AM

"Lumber-JERK!!"

Posted by: Chuck | February 13, 2007 7:28 AM

"Dude, you just chopped down a tree and found a human being inside! I think that merits a little more surprise than two tiny motion lines!"

Posted by: Francis | February 13, 2007 11:47 AM

"You sure know how to stroke the little man in the oak."

"Now I see what you sawed."

"The innermost two rings of that log are actually the top of my head and brain. Would you bring them over and replace them, please?"

"You're a lumberjack and you're not OK.
You wrecked my house- now you have to pay."

Posted by: LR | February 13, 2007 12:13 PM

"Do you want some cookies or not? Decide quickly, the old one's starting to come around and I don't want to have to hit him again."

"One of us! One of us!"

"There's no coherent Iraq policy in this one either, Mr. President."

"Holy Shit! Martha get up here. Howard Hughes just chopped our house down! Effin A, man, Effin A."

"Supplies!"

Posted by: TG Gibbon | February 13, 2007 2:16 PM

Well, the idyllic island surroundings, combined with the homicidal hillbilly in overalls with an obvious clip on beard suggest very strongly to me that I am a survivor of Oceanic flight 815. Unfortunately, that doesn't explain why I'm taking a dump in this hollowed out tree stump...but enough about me. Where the fuck is your arm, dude?

Posted by: junior | February 13, 2007 2:58 PM

"That should be enough room. Bring the car around and let's unload the bodies before the trunk starts to stink."

Posted by: Sher | February 13, 2007 3:01 PM

"Stump's full."

Posted by: Boom | February 13, 2007 3:08 PM

"Sorry. Wrong lumber."

Posted by: danny | February 13, 2007 3:14 PM

"Now for the second labor: Carefully unroll the giant phyllo."

Posted by: danny | February 13, 2007 3:18 PM

"Thanks for working so hard to cut me loose before I ran out of oxygen. As a show of gratitude, please allow me to buy you a fucking chainsaw !"

Posted by: David John | February 13, 2007 3:33 PM

I distinctly heard you call "Tim Burr!" and that's my name. I'm going to have to bill you for the site visit, I'm afraid.

Thanks! If you hadn't sawed the tree down just now, my escape tunnel from that hedge maze would have ended a hundred feet up in the air.

Posted by: Walt | February 13, 2007 3:41 PM

I think that I shall never see
A winning caption penned by me.

Posted by: Bubbles Kilmer | February 13, 2007 3:49 PM

Outstanding! And now I shall free my willy.

Posted by: Amy | February 13, 2007 3:50 PM

It's too low. How many times do I have to tell you? Measure twice, cut once!

Posted by: Amy | February 13, 2007 3:53 PM

To complete my squirrel fantasy, I'm going to need your nuts.

Posted by: Amy | February 13, 2007 3:55 PM

"Sure I love candy but my daddy says I should only take secret naked naps with him."

Posted by: Sher | February 13, 2007 4:43 PM

"I can't believe I slept through that."

Posted by: Sher | February 13, 2007 4:47 PM

"We make a fine team as anthropomorphic head lice, you and I. Now fell me another hair shaft and I'll ream out the follicle."

"Years ago I was on a really bad acid trip and I swear I crawled into an acorn and went to sleep."

Posted by: LV | February 13, 2007 6:09 PM

It tastes like chicken.

You're the worst executioner I've ever seen.

I'm not climbing out of here, Goober, until you promise I can cut down the next one.

Call me 'Ahab'

I think I'm gonna take the penalty strokes.

Posted by: John DeGiovanni | February 13, 2007 6:29 PM

"Then, somebody said, 'Throw the Jew down the tree!'"

Posted by: Chuck | February 13, 2007 7:04 PM

I'm from the environmental action center's undercover division to stop deforestation. Drop that hand saw!

Posted by: k | February 13, 2007 7:40 PM

Peekaboo!

Posted by: JDT | February 13, 2007 7:54 PM

"I bet you're probably wondering what I'm doing inside of a tree."

Posted by: JDT | February 13, 2007 7:56 PM

"Thanks for the haircut"

Posted by: JDT | February 13, 2007 7:57 PM

Next time, you be the weasel.

Posted by: k | February 13, 2007 8:15 PM

My head's on backwards!

Posted by: Tom | February 13, 2007 8:57 PM

I used to hug trees but why stuff around ... now I go straight for a root.

Oi, surely you have heard of Rabbi Stumpy!

Qi, you're tired ..I'm totally rooted.

Quick, cut it into planks before any of those Greenies see it.

Stop watching and find me some toilet paper!

Posted by: Les | February 13, 2007 10:47 PM

"Thank you, Mario! But your princess is in another castle."

Posted by: Lorinne | February 13, 2007 11:03 PM

"What with global warming they say Ontario will soon be the new Wisconsin."

Posted by: J.D. | February 14, 2007 12:10 AM

"What am I doing? ...I'm going to DISNEY WORLD!!!"

Posted by: Vance | February 14, 2007 1:36 AM

"You're too late. Keebler moved to Mexico and the elves...well,you don't want to know."

Posted by: al in la | February 14, 2007 4:26 AM

"I'm sorry, the reason I can't help staring at your crotch is because you don't have one."

Posted by: J.D. | February 14, 2007 5:31 AM

"I'll be out in a minute."

Posted by: Chuck | February 14, 2007 8:33 AM

"Surprised? Happy Valentine's day, sweetie."

Posted by: al in la | February 14, 2007 1:17 PM

"First I lave the skin with lukewarm distilled water and pat it dry. I gently rub a bit of cocoa butter in the hot spots, you know, around the eyes, nasal labial folds and neck. Then I apply aloe gel that I squeeze directly from a freshly cut leaf. Once you get the habit, it's easy maintaining a youthful appearance in the north woods, but if you don't start now you'll end up looking like Willem Dafoe when you're thirty."

Posted by: J.D. | February 14, 2007 2:17 PM

Canadian Football League Pre-Draft Combine:
"Nice job, kid. Now let's see how many times you can bench-press it."

Posted by: John DeGiovanni | February 14, 2007 2:56 PM

You know, I'm thinking we could have dug the hole about four or five feet to the right and it would have been a heck of a lot easier.

Posted by: SK | February 14, 2007 3:35 PM

I believe we can run the cable straight up the taproot.

Posted by: SK | February 14, 2007 3:49 PM

"Alls I can say is, those Keebler elves are freaking slumlords!"

Posted by: Tim H | February 14, 2007 4:32 PM

"Every bow you break,
Every tree you take,
I�ll be watching you."

Posted by: /\lex | February 14, 2007 5:37 PM

[SK - you should submit that "hole" caption to the actual contest, as it is too funny for the unfunny contest imo.]

Posted by: RichM | February 14, 2007 6:46 PM

"I'm with the Al Franken campaign. Would you be interested in playing Paul Bunyan in our new ad? We're looking for ways to appeal to the Iron Range voters."

Posted by: Tiberius | February 14, 2007 7:32 PM

"And you thought no one around to hear it."

Posted by: Kyle VH | February 14, 2007 8:13 PM

Can I talk to you about Scientology?

Posted by: Dex | February 14, 2007 8:32 PM

Yeah, I meant to say:

"And you thought no one was around to hear it."

Posted by: Kyle VH | February 14, 2007 9:43 PM

"My name's Gibbons, Euell Gibbons. Ever eat a pine tree?"

Posted by: Dex | February 15, 2007 12:22 AM

....tell Mr. Fudd we've definately got that qwazy wabbit now.

Posted by: David G. | February 15, 2007 1:01 AM

"You could have picked a smaller tree, but what's done is done. Good luck carving that new arm."

Posted by: Sher | February 15, 2007 5:15 AM

"Every leaf you shake
Every bow you break,
Every tree you take,
Every house you make,
I�ll be watching you."

(It just gets better doesn�t it?)

Posted by: /\lex | February 15, 2007 11:22 AM

"You came, you sawed,...whatever."

[To al in la: Sorry I didn't notice your Keebler reference 12 hours before mine. My bad.]

Posted by: Tim H | February 15, 2007 11:53 AM

"I am the spirit of the tree, you have disturbed my sacred slumber. Prepare to feel the BRUNT OF MY WRATH!!....What!? No, I�m not masterbating in here.... I�ll have you know I was merely scratching. Why am I not wearing pants? Well.... I was hot!"

Posted by: /\lex | February 15, 2007 12:16 PM

(It did get better, Alex. In your honor:)

Young woodsman, the subject
Of gnomish fantasy.
He wants him, so badly,
Knows where he wants to be.
Outside now, there's sawing,
He's taking down my tree!
Good-looking, he's butch now-
This stud has come for me.

Come stand, one-hand, oh,
And man this hole with me.
(Repeat)

Posted by: LV | February 15, 2007 12:47 PM

"Sorry. There doesn't seem to be any giant toad here with a key in its belly. Y'know, I'm beginning to think that sinister faun was full of shit."

Posted by: Tim C. | February 15, 2007 12:58 PM

"One second we're on a stage in Vegas and the next we're in a magical forest. I think we've tapped into some real magic, Penn! And, hey, I can talk!"

Posted by: nell | February 15, 2007 2:55 PM

"Citizen's arrest, dirt bag, for complying with Bush's Healty Forest Initiative!"

Posted by: Chuck | February 15, 2007 8:03 PM

Thinking that you can cut down all fo these tall trees with that one lousy hand saw is almost as stupid as me thinking there is something constructive that I can get done while sitting in this stump.

Posted by: K | February 15, 2007 8:51 PM

The hole in my head is oddly shaped just like the hole in this tree.

Posted by: K | February 15, 2007 9:05 PM

"Watch this. Now I'll pretend to be walking down stairs."

Posted by: doc | February 15, 2007 10:25 PM

Hey Earl, wanna hump in this here stump, because I'll really shake my rump, which by the way is really plump, and lacks any lumps, so you can go thump and pump, and afterwards I'll take a big old dump.

Posted by: Joe | February 16, 2007 12:07 AM

"If I say something funny, some guy wins a cartoon caption contest."

Posted by: Mario Hieb | February 16, 2007 12:23 AM

"My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Posted by: al in la | February 16, 2007 4:07 AM

"Hi! My name is Steve. I live in a tree. What's your name?"

Posted by: JDT | February 16, 2007 10:58 AM

I was a girl from Birmingham!
I just had an abortion!
I was a case of insanity!
My name is Pauline I live in a tree...

Posted by: DR | February 16, 2007 2:39 PM

Timber!

Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | February 16, 2007 5:56 PM

"Wow, that was close -- you almost got me with that saw"

Posted by: JDT | February 16, 2007 6:00 PM

______________________________
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Posted by: Anonymous | February 16, 2007 9:46 PM

"Hey! You almost decapitated me, you crazy bastard!"

Posted by: Ottawa Dave | February 16, 2007 10:21 PM

"My name's Clark. Kimberly ... Clark."

Posted by: J.D. | February 17, 2007 4:10 AM

ooops, meant to say:

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Posted by: Anonymous | February 17, 2007 8:08 AM

"Anne Heche is the lady for me, for I am a man in a tree. You saw. You see? Tee hee, yippee!"

Posted by: David F. | February 17, 2007 11:22 AM

"Come on in, the sap�s lovely"

Posted by: /\lex | February 17, 2007 3:01 PM

Well, I'm stumped.

Posted by: Dave | February 17, 2007 8:33 PM

"Please help me sir. My poo won�t come out."

Posted by: /\lex | February 18, 2007 12:47 PM

"Hey, I was sleeping! OOOOOOOO, nice saw!"

Posted by: Piper Majors | February 18, 2007 10:03 PM

"Happy Birthday!"

Posted by: Ashley Martin | February 18, 2007 10:07 PM

Well I be damned. It didn't make a sound.

Posted by: Owen | February 19, 2007 12:29 AM

Taking a shit dumbass. What do you think I'm doing?

Posted by: Owen | February 19, 2007 12:35 AM

You act like you've never seen a Keebler elf whackin' it before.

Posted by: Dean | February 19, 2007 7:44 AM

"Dude. I'm excited as you that we cut down the tree, but put your fucking clothes back on."

Posted by: CAM | February 19, 2007 3:12 PM

Where must I go to masturbate in peace?

Posted by: Scott Cunningham | February 19, 2007 5:14 PM

I've been waiting all my life to say this... hello, Dad.

Posted by: Anthony | February 20, 2007 4:28 AM

"Please cut my throat with your saw so I won't have to endure another full week of this same cartoon."

Posted by: Booms | February 20, 2007 10:43 AM

"Yes, dammit, I'm a wood nymph! Maybe you were expecting something more like this?" http://www.bergenart.com/images/product/tomac_the_wood_nymph.gif

Posted by: stcoleridge | February 20, 2007 12:48 PM

"Yes, dammit, I'm a wood nymph! Maybe you were expecting something more like this?"

Posted by: clickURL | February 20, 2007 12:58 PM

"OK, there's just enough room; you can put the tree back up now."

Posted by: stcoleridge | February 20, 2007 1:01 PM

"Had I known that I would be involved in a TWO WEEK caption contest I would've dressed more warmly."

Posted by: Tim H | February 20, 2007 1:20 PM

OWWwW!

Posted by: Mike | February 20, 2007 1:40 PM

"I have Down Syndrome. It causes me to really �get down�."

Posted by: /\lex | February 20, 2007 4:17 PM

"Sawing through a giant tree and finding me, an ugly, balding guy with a huge nose, is much like wading through several hundred captions and eventually getting to this one."

Posted by: Rubrick | February 20, 2007 6:03 PM

"Look, you're a MySpace friend. That's not like a real friend, okay?"

Posted by: J.D. | February 20, 2007 7:03 PM

Beside living in a tree check No for cures for Cancer. Next up is sucking face with carp. And its your turn.

Posted by: Frank | February 20, 2007 10:31 PM

"Well, this is awkward."

Posted by: Greg | February 20, 2007 11:25 PM

"Congrats! I am the 200th gnome you've almost decaptionated!"

Posted by: danny | February 21, 2007 12:21 PM

"200 captions? About time we got a sexy dancing animal in here, ain't it?"

Posted by: Vance | February 21, 2007 2:04 PM

"Me, scared of you? I'm just trying to figure out how you were able to put your astronaut diapers on in the first place."

Posted by: RichM | February 21, 2007 5:45 PM

So look here, Sal, if you figure one arm's length is about two and a half feet, that's your radius, and I'm about three feet tall when crouching on my knees, so you're looking at a depth of about two feet, that makes a total of ... um ... 39 and a quarter square feet that a woodchuck can chuck.

Posted by: jmt | February 21, 2007 11:33 PM

[correction: cubic feet]

Posted by: jmt | February 21, 2007 11:38 PM

"Alls I'm saying is you're no Joyce Kilmer."

Posted by: Tim H | February 22, 2007 10:44 AM

"I'm a mole. Whack me."

Posted by: J | February 22, 2007 1:57 PM

"Yeah, sure, it's small in here. But it's got its' own hockey franchise."

Posted by: Greg | February 22, 2007 2:32 PM

Take me to your leader.

Posted by: Robert Orben | February 23, 2007 12:39 AM

"Do you mind?"