February 5, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #86

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's winner.


For the second week in a row, this contest had a record high number of entries — and a record low number of entries deserving honorable mention. So first let me welcome all the new folks who discovered us through Valleywag or wherever. And then let me encourage you to read the contest guidelines, particularly the part about not submitting more than five captions. I'm not trying to be a dick, but unlike The New Yorker, I don't have interns with spreadsheets reading all the submissions for me. Beyond just saving me some time, the point of this rule is to encourage you to put some thought into your best possible captions, rather than just spitting out whatever you can think of.

Also, I can see your IP addresses, so even if you submit under a different name each time, I still know when you're over the limit. In fact, a good rule of thumb is that if you're not proud enough of your caption to use a consistent name that at least pseudonymously identifies you, maybe you shouldn't bother.

That is all.

"Whoops— looks like you shanked it into the parking lot, Corporal." —John Tabin

"I agree the tanks are a little unsightly, but we have to make sure no Jews sneak into the country club." —Jesse

"You know, I meant to say something when they came for the trade unionists." —Kevin Guilfoile

Honorable mention
"Wow, Arnie's Army has really modernized." —gary

"Well, at least we have the high ground." —Andrew

"Fusillade, you crazy bastard!" —The Confidence Man

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"George Bush wants to play through."

"I agree the tanks are a little unsightly, but we have to make sure no Jews sneak into the country club."

"I understand that if they kill us they get awarded the Iron Cross...no pun intended."

This is so NOT a par five. If there were weapons of mass destruction, maybe - but I guess we all know there aren't any of those, right Mr. President? Ha, ha! Sorry. No, this isn't a par five. It's a par four at best.

"Your ball landed in the bunker."

"Nope, nothing funny here. Except that our maker's name is Cheney."

"(Gulp)...I hope you've marked your balls."

"Wow, Arnie's Army has really modernized."

"I don't like the looks of those clouds."

"I probably should have read the instructions for these shoulder-mounted golf club launchers before the tanks showed up."

"That was a fun round of golf. Now, where did you park your Humvee?"

I hate to say it, Fred...but doesn't that cloud on the right have the shape of the birthmark on your wife's ass.

No wonder all the flags are white today!

"Now, this is one of those holes where you'd use a shootin' iron."

"So this is it, huh? America has finally fallen and our people have been wiped out. We're about to be mowed down like crabgrass. And frankly, Chuck, on my list of people to die alongside, you're not even in the top ten."

"'Replace Your Divots,' my ass! Just look at the mess they're making of the fairway!"

Members of this country club for 15 years...and this is all the tanks we get!

"Relax, Ted. Gort just eagled the last hole."

"This reminds me of something I used to say in my old job: 'You don't play golf with the caddy you want, you play golf with the caddy you have.' That always went over well."

"Huh? Why are there all these tanks and barbed wire on a golf course?"

"Wow, a militarized golf planet. Now I know why a Republican administration never killed the space program."

"They're really accurate from long distance, but they can't putt worth shit!"

"Well, Hank, I realize we never really talk shop on these golf outings, but now seems like as good a time as any to tell you: In my day job, I kind of slaughtered million of people in an ethnic cleansing in my homeland. So odds are, those tanks are here for me. Oh: Also, I've been shaving strokes off my score for years."

"You can stay the course. I'm getting the fuck outta here!"

"These civil war re-enactment enthusiasts are really starting to get sloppy."

"Last time I hit a ball in there I ended up losing a leg. The prosthetic itches like crazy, but the whole incident really motivated me to work on my slice."

Not to worry...the odds of getting struck by lightning are higher.

Vladimir, I'm afraid there is no 18th hole for traitors.

"Not good, Ahmad. I theeenk they fee-gured us out!"

Well, my corpse caddy is full, we better get off the range before the next batch comes in.

"This is the last time I let you talk me into playing a public course."

Before we go, I'd like to show you a metaphor of how Snakes On A Plane did in the box office.

Can I have the score card - I just crapped my pants.

"Look down there-do you believe where the ladies tees are?..This would be a riot if we had ladies with us, or actually knew any that we could share this with later."

"I really think they're telling us to play through."

"I'm gonna use a range ball."

"Excuse the mess. As a San Francisco country club catering to wealthy liberals, we're still trying to figure out what to do with our War on Christmas decorations during the other 11 months of the year."

"Nothing to worry about -- just some harmless war game. It turns out this terrain is quite similar to Iran."

"Mike, are you sure you paid the green fees?"

"Yes Dave, I guess this IS all the Tanks we get. SO I ask you: War. What is it good fore?"

Well, at least we have the high ground.

"The word "bunker" probably got lost in translation."

"Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid."

"And to think that I skipped out on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney for this..."

"That looks like a doozy. Let's go back and try the one with the giant windmill again."

"Those government surplus golf carts are going to wreak havoc on my flat white ass and thrombosed hemorrhoids."

"Hey, don't blame me. I voted for Ralph Nader."

"Except for the golf course, the lack of ocean and that stupid hat you're wearing, this is just like the beach at Normandy."

"Just don't make any eye contact"

"Looks like President Bush is finally getting on board the environmental bandwagon and protecting some valuable green space."

So Fred, my tanks make your SUV look pretty weenie, don't they? And by weenie, I am, of course, referring to your penis. Which cars symbolize. You know, metaphorically? Oh, never mind, I'll just blow you off the road later. Nonmetaphorically, of course.

Unbeknownced to Bob, Tom had used the back side of their score card to write "Take him, he doesn't have a family, and he listens to Kenny G" But unbeknownced to Tom, Kenny G was in the forward-most tank.

"Uh oh. I think I just crapped in my lucky boxers".

"Looks like Mel Gibson and his entourage are here to 'watch' Tiger Woods play the white guys."

"Well, they did say President Bush would turn over every grain of sand until he found those WMDs, but this takes desperation to a new low."

"What the hell do you mean 'like a dozen erect penises advancing through the desert'? Don't go queer on me now, Mahoney! We've got to get the hell out of here!"

"You know, it's really getting harder to ignore the erosion of civil liberties."

This has Cheney's handwriting all over it.

Boy, it sure is good thing that we're both holding our golf bags at such an angle as to occult our massive hard-ons from the view of the audience.

"Makes you feel guilty about golfing the The Green Zone, huh?"


I told you to use a black market cell phone.

I'll let you fuck my wife if you chip it into the barrel.

It would appear the Democrats aren't your only opponents, Mr. President.

Well, we knew we'd have to integrate someday. I'm just sad that my son will never get to golf on a whites only golf course. He was killed in Iraq yesterday.

There's something wrong with this map. The next hole is supposed to be where all those tanks are. Fucking public golf courses.

Tanks for the memories, Bob.

"Ask them why they hate our freedom."

Bob, I have a confession to make. I still don't know the difference between a hook and a slice. I just use the terms interchangeably with each other, usually following the lead of someone else. It's a personal shame I've lived with for many years. I'm sorry Bob.


My god, they've killed you!

At least my secret is still safe!

Thank you, tanks!

Bob, I think we're going to be OK. That barb wire should hold them back. On the offchance it fails, I just want to let you know that I never found you attractive, even for a second.

"Which bad lie are you referring to?"

I can never remember where I parked.

"The country club is actually a Halliburton subsidiary."

I just thought the fact that the world is a war torn and hostile place is a great excuse for me to work on my golf game.

I think that I saw this on CNN this morning, I just assumed it was happening in a far way land that I will never see but I know exists because it has been demarcated on all world maps.

"Christ....., what an assortment of military manpower!"

I never saw so many working class multi-ethnic men on a golf course before!

Whoops-- looks like you shanked it into the parking lot, Corporal.

Remember when I said golf is for weenies..I take it back.

Either this is an invation or they're just happy to see me.

"See? I told you there was an Army base just on the other side of fourteen."

"That Carl Spackler has gone too far this time!!"

"Uh oh. It's the Cheat Commandos."

"Jeez...I distinctly remember the invitation saying 'For T.A. Winchlers ONLY'"

Those fools! Can't they see we've got the high ground?

"If she can spend $435 on a hammer, she won't mind if I spend $799 on a Maruman Majesty Prestigio Milled putter." Got any more psychic predictions, Kreskin?

Nice work on the disguises, Sergeant. Now paint 'em with the IR lasers and the smart missiles will do the rest. I'm sure glad it's early April of 2003, when this war is still fun.

Ironically, we used to call this fairway the "demilitarized zone" because the grass never had quite the right amount of give. Does that make us seem overprivileged to the point of lacking all perspective? Uh huh. Indeed it does. Absolutely. Yes-sir-ree-bob.

This situation would lose some of its irony if we were engaged in any other sport, except maybe pool, but even that has an element of danger and violence, wouldn't you say?

We may have utterly destroyed their country, but we've undeniably improved the quality of Iraqi golf.

This reminds me of the time that that string quartet showed up at the monster truck rally.

Is this a bad time for my exploding golf ball joke?

"I thought the Golf War was over."

"You know, I meant to say something when they came for the trade unionists."

I just shit my pants.

"It says here in the brochure that being cut by barbed wire can lead to tetanus. So if you want to go ahead on your own, fine, but I'm waiting for the rest of the Middle-Eastern-Golf-Is-To-Die-For tour group."

"Frakking cylons love you, Mickelson."

"I was just about to come to you. Hardly seems important now."

"I was just about to come out to you. Hardly seems important now." (nor funny. oops.)

"And you also have to watch out for the trees on your right."

They still haven't killed that farking gopher?

Wait'll Judge hears about this!

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I told you not to bitch slap the caddy!

Where's our bloody Caddy gone?

OK, Friday 8.00am tee-off suits me.

"Son, remember when you said golf was a 'stupid game with no real stakes?' How about you sink this putt in three strokes...or die!"

"Hey, guess which one Mike Dukakis is hiding in?... Who's Mike Dukakis? He ran for president.... No, seriously, stop laughing. He did.... Oh, fuck, I'm old."

"The rough here is *really* rough."

Since I've never played golf before, I have no idea what this thing sticking up from my golf bag is. And since I wasn't in the army, I can't fathom why they would put barbed wire right in front of their own tanks. And since I'm not really homsexual, I don't understand why stealing glimpses of your tight little ass is making me harder than Chinese algebra. That's three ways I'm confused right now. And this mound of magnified pubic stubble we're standing on makes four.

"Arnie's army."

"I've heard this one before."

I guess we can stop wondering why that IED broke up our foursome on the last hole.

"The I said, 'Yeah, asshole, you and what army?'"

"You wore metal spikes and you know they're not allowed here. See what you've done?"

"Fair-way my ass!"

"I miss the old alligator-infested water hazard."

"Sure, they made the hole more challenging, but at the expense of slowing down play."

"You play, 'World's Deadliest Capture The Flag' for a bunch of closed-circuit tv weirdos. I'm hopping back in the Range Rover and going golfing like we said."

Hey, have you heard this one? Why do they call it golf?
Because all the other four-letter words are taken.

Wait -here's one..
A guy hits his ball into the woods. While trying to find his ball he finds some abandoned balls and puts them in his pocket.
Afterwards he's in the club house and a woman keeps starting at his pants. Finally, he points down and says "golf balls".
The woman looks shocked, and says "and I thought tennis elbow was bad."

Hahahahahah - good one!

Although critically acclaimed, "Golden Tee : A Bridge Too Far" (Playstation 2 / XBox) sold few copies.

I don't know if there will ever be a good time to tell you this: I have AIDS.

"Maybe Kerry wasn't joking"

"These are the lucky one's. If you don't have connections, you end up in Iraq."

"Another questionable deployment."

"It says it's 50 yards to the green"

"Hey, you four in front: the planes are up in the sky!"

"Shit, the Chinese are taking over."

"Fusillade, you crazy bastard!"

"I'm heading back to work for a little R&R."

"They don't even realize we're cardboard cutouts."

"They're using MapQuest now to locate the insurgents."

"Since when do the rules of engagement supersede the rules of golf?"

don't look alarmed, Julio, Border patrol is really tight these days ever since they found out about the other refugee caddies.

I think that this would be a good time to reassess the meaning of life.

You know that expression, the grass is always greener on the other side, I don't think that it applies here.

Let's be optimistic, maybe this is just some elaborate social commentary set up.

Dammit, it looks like we are going to have to walk all the way around all of these tanks to get to the next hole, that's going to take soooo long and I'm already tired and I'm getting hungry.

"Brokeback Mountain sure ain't what it used to be for us golfers anymore"

"I'm glad you could join me for a round of golf Radosh, now about last week's contest..."

I bet you can't chew and swallow a saltine without taking at least a sip of water.

"Oh, right, I heard something about this thing on O'Reilly's show last night. No, wait a minute, it was the night before last, and I'm pretty sure it had been on Olbermann."

"Oh dear, it seems the peasant revolutionaries have won the sympathy of an Army regiment. I don't know about you, but I plan to beg for mercy."

"Do you still keep that rubber snake in your bag?"

I *told* you that your drop was supposed to be "no closer to the hole!"

"Where? I don't see any... Oh yeah! That cloud does appear to be lower than the treetop. Or... Maybe that tree is very, very, very, very, very tall! OR... Maybe our perspective is skewed by the odd shapes and sizes of the tanks! Nah, it's probably just an incredibly low cloud. Let's see now. This is a par 5."

Looks like the hole it'playing hard: wind is gusting to the right, sand trap in the left faiwway, grass is exceptionally deep, green looks wet, and those M1A2's Abrams are always harder to clear than the old M1A1's.

"Dammit! Some jerk carved his name in the rough over there. What a thoughtless distraction."

It's not too late to let me wash your balls.

"Crazy? Am I crazy? Yeah I'm crazy! Crazy like an asshole! Now shut up and tee off already."

"Ah, but what the Americans don't seem to know is that in golf, traditionally, one hits the ball so that it goes up in the air, well high enough to clear these tanks and guns and things. Nice try, Gates, you oaf."

"It's Nancy Pelosi. She wants to confiscate your golf clubs."

"According to the guide the 12th hole is 'deceptively well-defended.' Does that mean it's better defended than it looks or less?"

"Yaahhr, Jesus! I bet we get blamed for this. I knew I should've had a cruller for breakfast."

Predicted Real-Life Winner: "They found oil under the sandtrap by the dogleg on 12."

"I'm sure they'll yell 'fore' before they fire."

"And I thought Hillary Clinton was a tough hole."

"Francis,Francis, Francis. Now look what you've done."

"I'm not actually holding anything... that's a tree. And that's steam coming off my head. The tanks are real, though."

We can't play golf here, all these tanks are in the way.

"Relax. Look how small they are! They'll never get over that barbed wire."

"Listen, fellas, I did not order General Tso's Heavy Artillery Squad! I distinctly ordered General Tso's Heavy Artillery Squid! I'm looking at the menu right now! Oh, wait. Sorry, my mistake."

Did you fart in the clubhouse, again?

"Well, it's a lovely gesture, but I still think they should start shooting other twosomes."

"A shotgun start isn't good enough?"

"Since Iraq, I've been a bit sensitive about the words 'Sand Trap'."

"As a nation we accepted the bloodless coup of 2000 with nary a peep. We accepted the sham re-election in 2004 and again just moved on with business as usual. Haven't we proven we will mount no resistance? Haven't we been good little sheep? Then why for the love of Christ have they come now to kill us?"

"Looks like the club owner brought her 50-foot-kid into work again. He always leaves his Slinky and G.I. Joes lying everywhere."

"They're just setting up for the charity golf tournament benefiting adult literacy. For months now, the organizers have been receiving terrorist threats via email in the form of tauntingly misspelled subject lines of a sexual nature from people who clearly hate reading and writing."

"I come here expecting a peaceful game of golf, and what do I find? Shaggy, poorly manicured grass!"

"Maybe golfing while high wasn't such a great idea"

"I have never been to war, but I did once see someone shot and killed in the street. His last words were 'oh shit.'"

"Was Grenada already taken?"

"We have come to visit you in peace and with goodwill. It is no concern of ours how you run your own planet. But if you threaten to extend your violence this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned out cinder. Your choice is simple. Join us, and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you. Gort, Klaatu--birada--nine iron."

"You have the honors, so go ahead and you shoot first, please."

Welcome to Halliburton. Next I'll show you the Squash/Rape Rooms.


If I say its safe to golf this beach Captain, then its safe to golf this beach.

"Like I always say: I drive for show and I putt for...WHOA!!!"

"Try to stall the ground troops, Jed, while I take out those Blackhawks with my seven iron."

LV's 'Gort, Klaatu--birada--nine iron.' is GOLDEN!!!!

"Y'know, Bill, this sucks. Big time."

Just remember this is the Tiananmen Open -- go ahead, they'll move.

LV's 'Gort, Klaatu--birada--nine iron.' is GOLDEN!!!!

Posted by: Anonymous

Please, Senator Kerry, get the hell off of this blog.

I think the Shark could take out Tiger, but only on his home course.

"Yup, this will surely go down in the history books, Brad, as The Day My Driver Stood Still."

"I guess it would be kinda stupid to toss blades of grass in the air at this point."

"I think they want us to quit using the ladies tee.

"Gort isn't like related to Godot by any chance, is he?"

They really must increase our military spending budget. Expecting us to fight tanks armed with nothing more than a few metal sticks and some tiny white cannonballs is ridiculous. I don't know how we keep winning against the Americans.

"I told you not to go anywhere near the sand trap!"

"I knew the 'Golf Through Middle East Hotspots Vacation Package' sounded too good to be true"

I told you Mohammed that if we dressed as golfers they would never know we are insurgents.

"This is the last time we're playing in Halliburton Hills Golf Club's Annual Taliban Challenge."

"Thank goodness the Army shot down the 50-foot woman before she did more damage, and thank goodness the 50-foot woman waxed recently, because otherwise walking over her nether regions, as we are forced to do now to return to the clubhouse, would be an arduous task."

Next thing you know they will want to serve beer on the course

Freedom's just another word, for incredibly loose khakis to mask our 46 inch waist

"Who says golfers aren't in good shape?!"

"I told you we should've sprung for the cart."

"The Border called, and they want their bandits back."

"The Evrolet plant? Well, you'd turn your tanks around, then left on Club View Drive, and a quick right on King Street. Go about 2-3 miles. The Evrolet plant is on the right. I'm guessing it'll be right near that giant lady in the distance throwing full-size cars around as if they were mere children's toys."

"So it would appear that the 4-star general who has developed an obsessive crush on me now views you as a rival."

Dear Vance,

As you know I'm not leading a campaign for the presidency in 2008. Instead I have chosen to campaign to end the war in Iraq, protect America, and spend more time on my short game.

Yesterday I stood up with a remarkable group of Iraq war veterans who are speaking out because they believe the best way to support the troops is to change a course that squanders their lives. When brave patriots suffer and die because of the incompetence of mere politicians, the only patriotic choice is to demand change. I, personally, am switching to my three iron off the tee.

These veterans offered a profile in courage.

The Senate this week provided a profile in politics -- Republicans blocking even a vote up or down, one way or another on a bi-partisan resolution opposing the Bush escalation.

This has to end.

Republicans refuse even to go on record over the Bush escalation. We need to escalate the pressure for a policy change.

That's why I am introducing legislation that will again set a firm one-year deadline for the redeployment of most American troops from Iraq, and widen the fairways on golf courses throughout this great land of ours.

If you agree it is time to set a deadline, come to http://www.setadeadline.com and become a citizen co-sponsor of the legislation.

It's a honor to be playing again in the Bob Hope Desert Storm Classic.

"It's always something."

"Oh, shit! I always said I never wanted to end up as part of a 'friendly fire' story, and now this. Remember how many times I said that? I bet it was a million. Shit."

They think we're Mexican. How did we get on the wrong side of the fence??

Looks like they're the 2007 models. Now there's something the Japanese aren't whupping us at.

"Even if you think this is a stupid, pointless game that drags on for ever...you have agree these kids are all heros."

"Whew, whatta day! To quote George Dumbya Bush, 'I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend.'" (Bush on the prospect of visiting Denmark, Washington D.C., June 29, 2005)

Tanks for the game.

Is a heart attack considered a penality stroke?

Looks like the KKK is still after Woodsy.

I think I'll have the rump steak and garden salad.

It was somewhere near here that the Club Presidant said we should look out for a little company.

I always said I'd kill for a Green Jacket, but oh sweet Christ, why did it have to be like this?

I enjoy the political commentary on this sight, even if they aren't winnable captions.

Also, I can see your IP addresses, so even if you submit under a different name each time, I still know when you're over the limit.

This means you, Senator Kerry.

because there is an unwritten law that only one person per household/per computer can enter.

"Those ain't look like golf carts, Bob."

.....that was my entry... ;)

Belated anti-caption:

"It's amazing what they can do with topiary these days."

Really, Senator, that's beyond the pale. If you insist on doing this, use my name if you must, but leave poor Francis alone!

"You'll want to keep it away from the bunkers on this hole"

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