The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #61
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
"You're perfectly healthy, baby Suri."
Results after the jump
Winner:
"I tried to call earlier, but your phone appears to be a cardboard prop." [Submitted on the off chance that the doctor is not the one who is supposed to be saying what's in the caption.] —RichM
Finalists
"God, I just can't get going this morning. I should just take a nap on my huge hand novelty couch." —Dan McCoy
"Most physicians don't hold chiromancy in high esteem, but I find it an invaulable diagnostic tool. For instance, in your case, I can tell from the length of your life line -- that's this one curving around the base of your thumb here -- that you are very very very large." —Walt
Comments:
Really, people, did everyone have to go straight to the prostate joke? I'm not angry, just disappointed.
Comments
"Looks like Nietzsche was right; I can't find a pulse."
Posted by: theophylact | July 31, 2006 10:43 AM
"...and scissors cuts giant paper. Huzzah, I get to keep the singing harp!"
Posted by: J | July 31, 2006 10:53 AM
"Good, now please lift me to your scrotum, turn your head, and cough."
Posted by: Eustace T. | July 31, 2006 10:54 AM
"God, I just can't get going this morning. I should just take a nap on my huge hand novelty couch."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | July 31, 2006 11:02 AM
"What's that, Mr. Giant? You don't have insurance? Well, perhaps you could pay me in paintings that I could put in all my empty frames. Come to think of it, I don't know why I hung them on the wall like that. Seems kind of crazy."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | July 31, 2006 11:06 AM
"Yes, it's true. We only wear these head mirror things in cartoons."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | July 31, 2006 11:09 AM
"Hm. God is dead." (apologies to theophylact)
Posted by: David | July 31, 2006 12:09 PM
"No, you're still alive, that's how come you can hear me."
"I'm telling you I'm not a doctor. My name is Bronson Pinchot, I'm an actor, and I'm drunk. Please return me to my planet. I cannot help you or your people...Ok, fine, I'll take your pulse."
"As your tiny physician I feel it's my duty to tell you you're going to have to stop drawing New Yorker cartoons, Mr. Wilson. They're killing you. On the inside you're already dead."
"Rarely does a drawn image capture the hand of his creator. But when it does happen, Mr. Wilson, it does not end well."
"'May Cause Dizziness And Blurred Vision' does not mean 'Will Not Cause Gigantism,' Mr. Clarke."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 31, 2006 12:28 PM
Now I'm only going to ask you once- Did you take any steroids before or during the Tour De France?
Posted by: Joe | July 31, 2006 12:29 PM
Yes, for shizzle you've got acromegaly. Upside-down peace out my nizzle.
Posted by: Joe | July 31, 2006 12:31 PM
That's incredible. My buddies and I love the Violent Femmes. They're going to freak when they find out I met the real life "Big Hands."
Yes, Seymour Kuntz is my real name, and no, I was never interested in gynecology, it was orthopedics all the way.
Posted by: B'nai | July 31, 2006 12:43 PM
Yes, most of my other patients think that HMO's have decreased both the quality and quantity of medical care.
Posted by: 99 | July 31, 2006 1:21 PM
"I am soooooo goddamn tired of taking these giant peoples' pulses."
"It's nothing, just a tiny vampire bite... what's that? Your fingers are too big to - Oh all right, fine, I'll stop the bleeding. Here."
Posted by: Vance | July 31, 2006 1:35 PM
"Hold on, hold on ...okay, yes, from what I'm feeling it seems you have massive swelling of the hand."
Posted by: gadi | July 31, 2006 1:56 PM
"So, Mr. Gulliver, what brings you to Lilliput?"
"It's quite simple, actually. I crawl inside and remove the offending polyp. I'm quite thorough; you won't feel a thing."
Posted by: Deborah | July 31, 2006 1:58 PM
I bet you have a gigantic cock.
Posted by: Owen | July 31, 2006 2:45 PM
Didn't your mother warn you about what would happen to your hand if you kept doing that?
Posted by: Joe | July 31, 2006 2:45 PM
"I don't even need to take your pulse, really, because given your size I can clearly see the blood rythmically churning in your arteries like the peristaltic passage of undigested meat through the bowels of a vivisected walrus."
"Yeah, I know how you feel. I send Radosh week after week of comedy gold and he ignores me like I'm that guy that used to write in like he was a POW. Although on reflection that guy's persistance was hilarious, even though each installment was merely smirk-provoking. By the way, are you getting enough calcium?"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | July 31, 2006 3:06 PM
"Everything normal, Mr Williams. But, if I may, due to your inordinate size, when you dab on what seems to you even the tiniest bit of patchouli oil, to the rest of us it ... is ... like ... a ... chemical (gasp) weapon."
Posted by: J.D. | July 31, 2006 3:54 PM
"(If I tell the sensitive giant fellow he has a fatal, incurable condition, he may cry a surfeit of boulder-sized tears, causing a tragic tsunami deadly to myself and the others populating this particular comic universe. A similar tragedy obtained from another "unhappy giant" gag in a recent Perry Bible Fellowship strip. I shall be prudent, then, and give him hope with a little white lie.)"
Posted by: J.D. | July 31, 2006 4:16 PM
"You have pancreatic cancer, sucker!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 31, 2006 4:49 PM
"Ten beats per minute. That's about normal for your size."
"One, one thousand, two, one-thousand, three, one thousand...you're dead."
"i feel bad for Dr. Cohen. He drew the femoral artery."
"You know that thing about not using the thumb because it has its own pulse? Total malarky. But patients freak out if you don't use your second and third fingers."
"If I don't get a pulse in another ten minutes, I'm going to lunch."
"Hey, look! Your thumb is as long as my arm."
"I gotta call my friend, Oliver Sacks. He loves these weird cases. Did I say weird? I meant interesting. He loves interesting cases. Heh heh."
Posted by: N. S. | July 31, 2006 7:12 PM
"I'm very sorry, sir. You have AIDS."
Posted by: Alex | July 31, 2006 8:29 PM
"I'm upgrading your condition to 'curiouser and curiouser.'"
Posted by: Slide | July 31, 2006 9:05 PM
G**amn HMO.
*********
I told you you'd get sick if you kept barebacking Paul Bunyan.
************
Are you sitting on my receptionist again?
*************
It looks like I'll be able to sign your disability documents for your hand job after all.
**************
Stop lying! I know you farted!
***********
No, I do not do prostate exams.
************
I'll send a semi over for the stool sample.
*************
Posted by: Poobar | July 31, 2006 9:12 PM
"God I'm so high."
Posted by: Todd | July 31, 2006 9:50 PM
" Wow, man...'one joint and I'm seeing God."
Posted by: Robbo | July 31, 2006 9:51 PM
" Tickle tickle doo "
Posted by: Emily | July 31, 2006 9:56 PM
Your pulse rate is fine, but I'm a little concerned about the fact that you appear to be twenty times the size of a normal man.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 31, 2006 10:05 PM
I'm afraid this goes beyond my training as an optometrist.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 31, 2006 10:07 PM
Most physicians don't hold chiromancy in high esteem, but I find it an invaulable diagnostic tool. For instance, in your case, I can tell from the length of your life line -- that's this one curving around the base of your thumb here -- that you are very very very large.
Posted by: Walt | July 31, 2006 11:30 PM
The good news is that you can do all the coke you want.
Posted by: Greg | August 1, 2006 2:48 AM
Does this hurt?
Posted by: Loqi | August 1, 2006 3:09 AM
There is no second hand on this watch, can i borrow yours?
Posted by: Leech | August 1, 2006 4:28 AM
"This balloon is fine for the parade. Can you bring in Bart Simpson next?"
Posted by: Deborah | August 1, 2006 6:43 AM
You're the visible hand of what? Oh yes, we've been expecting you...
Posted by: simsburybear | August 1, 2006 8:02 AM
What do you mean "do I know where this hand has been"?! Are you deliberately trying to scare the shit out of me or what?
Posted by: simsburybear | August 1, 2006 8:10 AM
As soon as I'm done taking your pulse we'll move on to the next part of the exam...what? Oh don't worry, it's a very common procedure for men of your age - and I have my trusty headlamp here...
Posted by: simsburybear | August 1, 2006 8:21 AM
"Peace, baby."
Posted by: Scraps | August 1, 2006 10:15 AM
"You're the first person to notice that the frames where my diplomas should be are blank. At least your giant eyes are working."
Posted by: gray nixon | August 1, 2006 11:26 AM
"Thank goodness I am not a proctologist."
Posted by: michael | August 1, 2006 11:29 AM
Have you been swimming in a freshwater lake or river? Because I think you may have Type 2 Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. That's when actual carp are compressing the nerve.
Posted by: B'nai | August 1, 2006 11:50 AM
"This is the biggest case of dactylopodia I have ever seen. Assuming there is such a thing."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | August 1, 2006 11:58 AM
Either your heart has stopped, or my watch is broken. Sorry, that's an old joke.
Posted by: Eric | August 1, 2006 1:13 PM
"Give me just a few more minutes, and I'll have an Adam Smith joke for you. I was Econ minor."
Posted by: Eric | August 1, 2006 1:14 PM
You're a great goddman joker, Alice. Now put my house down. I didn't pay Harvard prices not to have waterfront.
Posted by: K8E | August 1, 2006 1:32 PM
Sir, remember what I told you - one pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small. No, how about taking the second one before my receptionist suffocates in your ass?
Posted by: junior | August 1, 2006 1:35 PM
Well, your pulse seems normal, but I just have to ask: are you a top?
Posted by: Idiot Head | August 1, 2006 3:27 PM
I can't believe they've discovered that there are millions of you in every gallon of sea-water.
Posted by: Artmollusc | August 1, 2006 4:29 PM
"Not at all. Everybody deserves a big hand now and then. Heh heh.
Posted by: J.D. | August 1, 2006 5:24 PM
Tickle, tickle, tickle! No wait, let me climb to your armpit.
Posted by: Scrumpy | August 1, 2006 5:34 PM
"The honesty's too much, and I have to close my eyes and hide."
"Methinks they shouldn't have had you soaking in it so long."
"Yo, hand - I'm talking to you!"
Posted by: RichM | August 1, 2006 7:11 PM
"The inside of your arm is so soft and smooth, I just want to...keep toooouching it."
Posted by: Francis | August 2, 2006 12:11 AM
"Everyone said I was an idiot to build a waiting room the size of an airplane hangar, but I guess I showed them."
Posted by: Francis | August 2, 2006 12:12 AM
"Have you lost weight?"
Posted by: Francis | August 2, 2006 12:13 AM
Jesus, what an asshole!
Posted by: cosmo7 | August 2, 2006 12:28 AM
there's a zit right here... yeah... you want me to pop it?
Posted by: jake | August 2, 2006 2:49 AM
"Yes, I can only imagine how coitus would be impossible for a gentleman your size. Wait -- I think I have a lively female patient who could more than accommodate you, sir. Yes, by Jove, her name is Ann Coulter. Say, why don't you linger a moment after we're done here and I'll prepare for you a glowing letter of introduction."
Posted by: J.D. | August 2, 2006 5:27 AM
If you keep calling out random numbers I'll never be able to get an accurate pulse.
Posted by: Poobar | August 2, 2006 8:28 AM
"I tried to call earlier, but your phone appears to be a cardboard prop."
[Submitted on the off chance that the doctor is not the one who is supposed to be saying what's in the caption.]
Posted by: RichM | August 2, 2006 12:45 PM
Think about Allison Hayes, in Attack of The Fifty-Foot Woman!
Posted by: Chris | August 2, 2006 1:25 PM
Hmm, not good ... We need to run some tests. Does next Thursday in Giants Stadium work for you?
Posted by: Mike | August 2, 2006 4:06 PM
Sorry my secretary couldn't let you in. We don't get many big ugly monkeys here. Um, can you hear me?
Posted by: Mike | August 2, 2006 4:18 PM
"My advice? Tattoo 'Florida State' on it, point your index finger in the air and start waving it at football games."
"Go back to the waiting room. I called for the man with the slow hand."
Posted by: Kevin Dean Nicewanger | August 2, 2006 4:32 PM
I don't usually do hand jobs...
Palm Sunday is such a mystery to me.
You don't seem to have a fever...I don't know why your palm is so rosey.
On the count of three, bitch-slap my secretary.
Posted by: Amy | August 2, 2006 5:22 PM
"I don't know either. I've heard ga-HAHN, GAY-hann, guh-HANN, GAY-uhn and on and on and on. Not that it matters, freak."
Posted by: J.D. | August 2, 2006 10:48 PM
No, Mr. Dennis, I am not going to "pull your finger."
Posted by: Anonymous | August 2, 2006 10:50 PM
No, Mr. Dennis, I am not going to "pull your finger."
(I always take responsibility.)
Posted by: J.D. | August 2, 2006 10:52 PM
"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on a TV show about a giant"
Posted by: Scrumpy | August 3, 2006 12:17 AM
Okay, I've verified that you're not a penis. You may proceed to the vulva, through that door over there. Yes, since 9/11 we do take birth control very seriously here, sir. Have a nice day.
Posted by: Walt | August 3, 2006 12:49 AM
"Dude, check it out. This dollhouse is the best place to hide weed."
Posted by: mypalmike | August 3, 2006 12:43 PM
"Sure, I'll 'talk to the hand.' However, I think we'd communicate more effectively if the face at least tried to understand."
Posted by: mypalmike | August 3, 2006 1:00 PM
Of course I recall the media frenzy, Calista, but now you're eating too much.
Posted by: Corey | August 3, 2006 3:50 PM
"You can shave your hair if you want Mr. 'Kong', but I still will not call you king. There is only one King I serve and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Have you read the book of Mormon?"
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | August 3, 2006 4:39 PM
I'm afraid whatever you have is going to be a big problem.
Posted by: Jay Stern | August 3, 2006 6:34 PM
Mr. Fetterson, I told you with this condition it's perfectly normal to smell the blood of an Englishman.
Posted by: Jay Stern | August 3, 2006 6:37 PM
Welp, I can see you've sure been eating your vegetables. Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh, heh-heh, heh, heh-heh-heh, heh, heh-heh-heh, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Heh. Ah, geez.
Posted by: Jay Stern | August 3, 2006 6:44 PM
"Oh, sorry. I forgot about the size difference."
Posted by: Slide | August 3, 2006 9:18 PM
1) Remember that it's "la mano", not "el mano".
Posted by: babar ganesh | August 3, 2006 10:41 PM
How do you expect me to find your pulse when I can't find the writing on my diplomas nor the buttons on my office phone? That's what I thought.
Posted by: Adam | August 4, 2006 2:27 AM
"We'll just make a couple of deep incisions... here and here. Oh, before we do that, could you please make out that check to Kervorkian Associates?"
Posted by: mypalmike | August 4, 2006 5:01 AM
"Luke, I'm sure Laura will be glad you've come back to Port Charles, reincarnated as a giant hand. Here at General Hospital... we... Cut! I can't do it! This script is just preposterous!"
Posted by: mypalmike | August 4, 2006 5:14 AM
"Sure the chances of a cerebrovascular accident are increased in giants with a history of thrombosis--especially if they continue to smoke!--but other than that you're in perfect shape to fight all the Hebrews you want, Mr. Goliath. Honestly I've never seen a fitter whatever-it-is-that-you-are."
"There's nothing funny about this situation. Nothing at all. How often can you say that, Mr. Patient? Rarely, to be sure, so you may want to take the opportunity now, while you can."
"You're right, Doctor, although one of us--which one? who's to say, could be both--is of a radically abnormal size there is still a need for medical professionals, of all sizes, to administer healthcare to patients, of all sizes. There's simply nothing funny about routine medical care. The stakes--your life!-- are simply too high and the process--palpation of various body parts--is simply too mundane."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | August 4, 2006 10:34 AM
"He's dead, Jim."
Posted by: al in la | August 4, 2006 1:36 PM
"well you'll live, but I'm affraid you'll never play the ukulele again."
Posted by: al in la | August 4, 2006 2:47 PM
How's your wife healing up? Have you told her that you're a giant yet?
Posted by: Poobar | August 4, 2006 8:55 PM
I don't know why I'm bothering to take your pulse, since you just end at the doorframe anyway.
Posted by: Poobar | August 4, 2006 8:56 PM
"Sure you may be bigger, stronger, and faster than me but I can still pick both of my nostrils at the same time."
Posted by: oRb | August 6, 2006 11:44 AM
"Well hello Nancy Archer. Damn, you must be fifty feet tall. But never mind that, are you ready for gynecology exam?"
Posted by: Robbo | August 6, 2006 12:03 PM
"Your pulse rate is unnaturally large."
Posted by: Francis | August 6, 2006 1:29 PM
"Sounds like you've been slacking off on the exercise...again."
"Sounds like your pulse has gone up again. Have you been binging again?! You know, morbid obesity is dangerous- especially for a man of your size."
"That's OK- I'll take it from hear, Big Guy."
Posted by: Michael | August 6, 2006 1:50 PM
"That's how you make a peace sign. Now you check my prostate."
Posted by: Condi | August 6, 2006 4:08 PM
>>did everyone have to go straight to the prostate
Oh, I see. You're one of those types who demands foreplay. Borrrrrring.
Posted by: J | August 7, 2006 1:55 AM
"The wallpaper? Thanks. I find it brings out my eyeshadow. And my prostate."
Posted by: J | August 7, 2006 1:57 AM
"Prostate? I don't even know her! God, I love that one."
Posted by: J | August 7, 2006 2:02 AM
"That's how you make a peace sign. Now check my thyroid. Oops - that would be MY PROSTATE. I'm disappointed too.)
Posted by: Condi | August 7, 2006 9:27 PM
"That's how you make a peace sign. Now check my thyroid. Oops - that would be MY PROSTATE. I'm disappointed too.)
Posted by: Condi | August 7, 2006 9:27 PM
"That's how you make a peace sign. Now check my thyroid. Oops - that would be MY PROSTATE. I'm disappointed too.)
Posted by: Condi | August 7, 2006 9:27 PM
Yes, this pussy is as big as a house. Now get out of my living womb.
Posted by: Rod | August 14, 2006 4:24 AM
"OK, your pulse is fine. Now, if you would lie down prostrate on the ground..."
Posted by: mypalmike | August 14, 2006 11:44 PM
"Yeah, yeah, you like that shit."
Posted by: Isocrates | August 16, 2006 12:28 PM
God, I just can't get going this morning. I should just take a nap on my huge hand novelty couch. Peace Out.
Posted by: /\lex | January 9, 2007 12:28 PM