The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #60
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
Results after the jump
Winner:
"Now there are crossbones under our ship's insignia? I shudder to think where this is headed." —gary
Finalists:
"The studio is demanding that we tone down "Pirates Of The Caribbean 3" so that it won't get an AAAAARRRRRRRR rating." —Nom De Plume
"Christ. Jackass pays seven figures to some consultants from McKinsey, and the only advice he gets is 'consider rebranding' and 'try to cut down on the sodomy'." —Tim C.
Comments
"The traditional skull is trademarked, so we used this instead. We may have to change this one too if Walmart gets the rights to the smiley."
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=50092
Posted by: Deborah | July 24, 2006 9:37 AM
"They still seem suspicious. Get the 'free beer' flag."
Posted by: Francis | July 24, 2006 9:44 AM
The studio is demanding that we tone down "Pirates Of The Caribbean 3" so that it won't get an AAAAARRRRRRRR rating.
Posted by: Nom De Plume | July 24, 2006 9:45 AM
"Shipboard life sure is different now that Blackbeard is no longer acting out violently from constantly repressing his homosexuality."
Posted by: Francis | July 24, 2006 9:46 AM
"I fear we're sending a mixed message."
Posted by: Francis | July 24, 2006 9:47 AM
"Oh, look. A cannonball. I wonder if this will be designated as a bias attack."
Posted by: Charles | July 24, 2006 9:50 AM
"You did a fine job modeling for the flag. It isn't your fault that the artist didn't capture the essence of your chest hair."
Posted by: Charles | July 24, 2006 9:51 AM
"You can hang any f'n flag you want, I still don't like swabbing your poop deck!"
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | July 24, 2006 9:57 AM
"I mean, it's still a skull..."
Posted by: Greg Travis | July 24, 2006 10:15 AM
We have heard that pirates are popular these days.
Posted by: Dan McCoy | July 24, 2006 10:50 AM
"And, that's how I ended up on a sailing vessel, despite being a gondolier by trade. Now, as long as we're trading stories, how about telling me why Charlie Brown's skull is on your Jolly Roger."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | July 24, 2006 10:55 AM
"Blah blah blah box office blah blah blah..."
Posted by: J | July 24, 2006 11:18 AM
The captain’s not mad about the flag. He wants to know why I’m dressed like a “%$#&-ing mime.”
Posted by: Carol | July 24, 2006 11:28 AM
"Political correctness has ruined the rough-and-tumble lifestyle we pirates used to take for granted. Also, I hate that new flag."
Posted by: Vance | July 24, 2006 11:29 AM
So we close Gitmo, and open this, and the Supreme court STILL isn't satisfied.
Posted by: Eric | July 24, 2006 11:46 AM
The internet isn't just a some truck you can dump stuff on. It's like a pirate ship.
Posted by: Eric | July 24, 2006 11:47 AM
"I just found out I have pancreatic cancer."
Posted by: Jim Treacher | July 24, 2006 12:18 PM
Curses, I thought that Depp character looked like a hippie!
Posted by: jake | July 24, 2006 12:51 PM
"Do you ever get that not-so-rapacious feeling?"
"There it is, Johnny, the Sea, Mother of us all. And over there, too. And if you look to the right, that's her. And behind. Pretty much all around us, 363 degrees. The Sea. Christ."
"I agree it is cute, and it captures what we'd all like the 1670s to be about but I think it's going to take a lot more than a smiley face and a hull full of cocaine and 'Oui' Magazines to make the nation forget our humiliating military defeat at the hands of the Dutch. Why'd we even get involved in that? I mean the French couldn't beat them so why did we think we could. I bet within 15 years they'll rule us."
"Don't worry, Billy, that's just Mr. Claggart's way of showing affection."
"This is just my day job; I'm really an undercover naval officer. Whoops."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 24, 2006 1:12 PM
"I fear Roger's become a bit too jolly since he went on Prozac."
"Aaargh, an' I warned Cap'n Hook somethin' like this'd happen if'n he spent too much time gallivantin' about with 'is pal Peter Pan!"
"Now there are crossbones under our ship's insignia? I shudder to think where this is headed."
Posted by: gary | July 24, 2006 2:18 PM
"In the bow, you'll find a bar that's also a church. It's just crazy."
"We call this side of the boat 'leftboat.' The other side is 'Antoine' or 'ovuh-theyah.' And you probably know we call elevators 'lifts,' policemen 'coppers' and train fare 'fellatio.'"
"Jolly Roger? You mean those little watermelon candies that old people put in dishes in their living rooms? Uh, no, we don't have any...cuirass."
"Yeah, but if they sink us, it'll say 'colon, close parentheses.'"
"No, look at it on its side. It's a 'C' drive prompt, get it? Sea? Drive?"
"Ever since we threw that cartoonist overboard, we've had sightings of that unusual wave that looks like the letters 'mstevens' in script. We're haunted, I tells ya!"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | July 24, 2006 3:29 PM
I'm so excited about having fish sticks for lunch. They're yummalicious!
Posted by: npm | July 24, 2006 3:33 PM
Why don't you try telling him we won't move until he buys some sails?
Posted by: 99 | July 24, 2006 4:47 PM
"It's there because the dude in the crow's nest was complaining."
"Meet me at four bells belowdecks, sailor, and I'll let you touch my cat-o-nine-tails."
"I was going to make a witty comment about how we're actually on a cathedral, based on the presence of stained glass windows with high Gothic ogive arches, but I couldn't think of anything funny."
Posted by: RichM | July 24, 2006 5:43 PM
"I'm still getting the hang of this 'killing with kindness' thing."
Posted by: Francis | July 24, 2006 8:43 PM
"I'm thinking I might grow a beard."
Posted by: Francis | July 24, 2006 8:45 PM
"After paying Gaultier for the costumes and Hockney for the sets, the budget was gone and they had to leave the props to that little blonde intern from Sarah Lawrence. By the way, you a top or a bottom?"
Posted by: J.D. | July 24, 2006 11:15 PM
"Well, mate, bless the good captain for tryin' to cheer us boys a bit. But, shiver me timbers, until we find our way out of the vast, desolate hellhole that is scurvy Ann Coulter's poxie old cuynte, this constant despair, I fear, shall not cease to torment me wicked whoreson's soul. Arrrrrr."
Posted by: Anonymous | July 24, 2006 11:35 PM
"Prozac reaches out to unlikely demographic in bold new marketing campaign"
Posted by: Matt | July 25, 2006 12:36 AM
"Ahoy, matey, I sure hope this cartoon doesn't get placed next to an incredibly depressing aaaarrrr-ticle by Michael Specter."
"He's having an art competition to redesign the flag later today. You just need to be able to draw either him, or a turtle in a cap."
"Yeah, well, you try drawing a realistic human skull with only a hook for a hand. Asshole."
"Christ. Jackass pays seven figures to some consultants from McKinsey, and the only advice he gets is 'consider rebranding' and 'try to cut down on the sodomy'."
"I know: Why don't YOU tell him he lacks a basic understanding of human anatomy? I'll wait here."
Posted by: Tim C. | July 25, 2006 12:44 AM
"Ooh, look at that sunset! Perfect evening for a keel-hauling, eh, Steve?"
"My mother wanted me to be a highwayman."
"Everyone knows his hook is a clip-on."
"Hm. Well, I guess I owe you three shillings; parrots can fly."
"Oh great, you see that? That's Captain Hello Kittybeard's ship, The Flying Pony. We do _not_ get along."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 25, 2006 9:54 AM
"It's part of the Courtesy, Professionalism & Respect program for pirates. Comes from Headquarters."
"This is the weirdest stakeout I've ever been on. What did Captain Feathersword do, anyway?"
Posted by: Deborah | July 25, 2006 10:02 AM
"Yet another say, and still no sign of sea! Y'know, I love a good meadow as much as the next guy, but if I never see another acre of lush tall grass it'll be too soon for me."
Posted by: Vance | July 25, 2006 12:20 PM
Er... "yet another Day"
Posted by: Vance | July 25, 2006 12:20 PM
"Ever since Captain Stubing took that bad acid, things have gone straight downhill, Gopher."
Posted by: mypalmike | July 25, 2006 1:56 PM
"Aye, matey, it be 'talk unlike a pirate' day. I'll give 'er a go: Avast ye scurvy... Shiver me... Arrr, talking unlike a pirate be harder than the cork in a barrel o' grog!"
Posted by: mypalmike | July 25, 2006 2:12 PM
He may be the very model of a modern Major-General, but that ridiculous flag makes me question what he really knows about matters vegetable, animal, and mineral.
Posted by: Amy | July 25, 2006 3:08 PM
Ahhh....another juggernaut on the ol' Buggernaut. You did remember the butt plugs this time?
The smiley face obviously represents a woman's ovum and WE are the sea men.
How cliche.
Posted by: Amy | July 25, 2006 3:14 PM
“I’ve been thinking about getting manscaped, myself.”
Posted by: J | July 25, 2006 6:28 PM
“Of course. The mermaids are frolicking off the starboard bow. Why is it that, when they make those announcements, I’m always on the other side of the boat? And these little packs of peanuts, so hard to open.”
Posted by: J | July 25, 2006 6:33 PM
"Lieutenant Dan, you put up my flag! When're we gonna go looting and get you some legs, Lieutenant Dan?"
Posted by: EB | July 26, 2006 12:54 AM
"Yeah, he stopped drinking piss too."
Posted by: J.D. | July 26, 2006 1:05 AM
"I could sort of overlook the wussy flag but dammit without canons we ain't shit!"
Posted by: Robbo | July 26, 2006 1:06 AM
"I really miss my gondola."
Posted by: RnD | July 26, 2006 1:11 AM
"We're doomed. They've put the ship's wheel up on the poop deck, which structurally makes no sense ... why are you giggling? Oh, for goodness sake! What are you, five?"
Posted by: J.D. | July 26, 2006 3:42 AM
"Your mother's a whore."
Posted by: Anonymous | July 26, 2006 3:14 PM
"I don't know. I guess I was just expecting more raping and decapitating."
Posted by: DavidS | July 26, 2006 8:59 PM
"This doesn't really seem like the proper time or place, but the guilt is overwhelming me, Jenkins. I had sex with your wife."
Posted by: Anonymous | July 26, 2006 9:50 PM
"Fuck the captain, the flag, pirates, and the New Yorker."
Posted by: Anonymous | July 26, 2006 9:53 PM
"Between the smiley-face and the pirate motif, I have to wonder if we're somehow inside Alan Moore's 'Watchmen'."
Posted by: DonBoy | July 26, 2006 10:39 PM
"I told you that swapping our parrots with those business executives in exchange for one of their Successories posters was a bad idea. I bet they look just as stupid as we do, all sitting around their table with parrots on their shoulders. Arr."
Posted by: Tim C. | July 27, 2006 12:23 AM
Wait, there's something different about you? A haircut? New earrings? Oh, I know! Your hands have been cut off and sewed onto your nipples. Nice, nice. Looks good on you.
Posted by: kickassninja | July 27, 2006 1:30 AM
"Because the Styles section of the Times said skulls were played out, that's why."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 27, 2006 8:46 AM
"Would you stop putting words in my mouth? One, I am not saying the captain shouldn't have a prosthetic penis. Two, I'm not saying he shouldn't have one that's four feet long if that's what he wants. Three, I'm not saying he shouldn't fly a smiley-face flag from it. What I'm saying is, it just looks stupid the way it is, attached at the side of his hip, that's all."
Posted by: Vance | July 27, 2006 12:25 PM
"Hang in there, baby. Friday's coming." (assist noted)
Posted by: J | July 27, 2006 6:31 PM
"Mellville wrote "Billy Budd" in a house on the corner of 26th and Park. Presently at that location is an armory serving as a homeless shelter. I have a lingering cough, and crabs."
Posted by: J.D. | July 28, 2006 12:34 AM
It's not just you...we could all use some ascorbic acid right now.
Posted by: danny | July 28, 2006 9:38 AM
I don't think being dressed as a gondolier is any weirder than you guys flying that smiley flag.
Posted by: Robert Buscemi | July 28, 2006 9:52 AM
Turn that frown rightside up.
Posted by: tito | July 28, 2006 4:05 PM
Having outsourced our sails, rigging, and guns to foreign ships, we must now depend on high-volume discount retail trade in order to stay afloat. This makes us a poignant metaphor for the current state of American enterprise, though perhaps not in the way the cartoonist had in mind.
Posted by: Walt | July 28, 2006 5:57 PM
I don't know...I just expected a gay cruise to be different.
Posted by: Owen | July 29, 2006 1:31 AM
You're just making fun of the flag to deflect attention from the fact that you shave your chest hair into a circle.
Posted by: Owen | July 29, 2006 3:46 AM
Hey look- it's a fag and flag. High five on that one. No? Come on, it was funny.
Posted by: Owen | July 29, 2006 3:48 AM
Though try as he did, as a pirate, Captain Crunch was no scury dog.
Posted by: tommy | July 29, 2006 12:24 PM
Though try as he did, as a pirate, Captain Crunch was no scurvy dog.
Posted by: tommy | July 29, 2006 12:27 PM
If this isn't a reason to start a mutiny, I don't know what is.
Posted by: bored141 | July 29, 2006 12:57 PM
"I'm gay. Don't tell anybody."
Posted by: bored141 | July 29, 2006 1:00 PM
[Sigh] It's so hard to have a nice day with me peg leg.
Posted by: Joe | July 29, 2006 7:52 PM
"X doesn't mark the spot of our treasure. X is our treasure. That's why our Jolly Roger is jolly. And that's why the rest of the crew is having an orgy."
Posted by: David | July 30, 2006 3:30 AM
"He just bought 6,000 shares of WalMart."
Posted by: Michael | July 30, 2006 2:11 PM
"Jesus- what a woose!"
Posted by: Michael | July 30, 2006 2:13 PM
I didn't vote for Smiley Roger, but I'm nominating Mr. Yuk next time over Totenkopf.
Posted by: Chris | July 30, 2006 4:21 PM
“We had been pillaging, plundering, you know, another day... We forced our way into this locked room, there was this woman – wench, wife, whatever – hiding with two little ones. (I do not know what happened to the children, I never asked.) And we were there to take things, right? It wasn’t until after I’d finished that I saw anything other than what I’d wanted to see; it wasn’t until then that I saw a person. Her face was all tears and blood, fear and anger. I see that face wherever I look, now. It haunts me.”
Posted by: J | July 30, 2006 10:16 PM
"The hours here are obscene."
'Just kidding. Congrats to Harry
Posted by: Robbo | July 31, 2006 2:20 AM
HEY THANKS!! I had a good feeling about that one. Is this the first time one of us anticaptioners actually got a real caption?
I think i have four good ones for this cartoon, and perhaps i have another winner.
"The skull totally ruined our Feng Shui." (lame, i know, but it's very New Yorker)
"We spent our entire treasure on a publicist, and this is what we get?"
"Hollywood always gets it wrong."
and
"Things have been different ever since Captain Craig came out of the closet."
Posted by: Harry | July 31, 2006 2:34 AM
"I'd burn it, except for that impending Constitutional amendment."
Posted by: J.D. | July 31, 2006 2:36 AM
Don't be fooled by the flag, it's no so happy when it's your turn in the barrel.
Posted by: Joe | July 31, 2006 9:30 AM
Cap'n Jack runs it up when'er we near San Francisco -- Puts 'em at ease for the pluckin', aarrgh.
Posted by: Mike | July 31, 2006 5:17 PM
Ever since we stold the Prozac shipment, marauding and looting on the high seas just isn't the same
Posted by: myJewishBooks | August 1, 2006 9:06 AM
Dear Dorling Kindersley, Your artists' reference books suck.
Posted by: cosmo7 | August 2, 2006 12:33 AM
I thought I'd be funny and tell her "Thar she blows" but she wasn't happy 'bout that & told me to go screw meself.
Posted by: skbnwinters | November 7, 2006 1:31 AM
"Although we're very open minded here on the 'Jolly Rogerer', I do wish that the gay French couples onboard would quit trying to breastfeed their adopted children on the poop deck."
Posted by: Adrian Wapcaplet | December 8, 2006 4:14 PM