July 24, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #60

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


Results after the jump

"Now there are crossbones under our ship's insignia? I shudder to think where this is headed." —gary

"The studio is demanding that we tone down "Pirates Of The Caribbean 3" so that it won't get an AAAAARRRRRRRR rating." —Nom De Plume

"Christ. Jackass pays seven figures to some consultants from McKinsey, and the only advice he gets is 'consider rebranding' and 'try to cut down on the sodomy'." —Tim C.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"The traditional skull is trademarked, so we used this instead. We may have to change this one too if Walmart gets the rights to the smiley."


"They still seem suspicious. Get the 'free beer' flag."

The studio is demanding that we tone down "Pirates Of The Caribbean 3" so that it won't get an AAAAARRRRRRRR rating.

"Shipboard life sure is different now that Blackbeard is no longer acting out violently from constantly repressing his homosexuality."

"I fear we're sending a mixed message."

"Oh, look. A cannonball. I wonder if this will be designated as a bias attack."

"You did a fine job modeling for the flag. It isn't your fault that the artist didn't capture the essence of your chest hair."

"You can hang any f'n flag you want, I still don't like swabbing your poop deck!"

"I mean, it's still a skull..."

We have heard that pirates are popular these days.

"And, that's how I ended up on a sailing vessel, despite being a gondolier by trade. Now, as long as we're trading stories, how about telling me why Charlie Brown's skull is on your Jolly Roger."

"Blah blah blah box office blah blah blah..."

The captains not mad about the flag. He wants to know why Im dressed like a %$#&-ing mime.

"Political correctness has ruined the rough-and-tumble lifestyle we pirates used to take for granted. Also, I hate that new flag."

So we close Gitmo, and open this, and the Supreme court STILL isn't satisfied.

The internet isn't just a some truck you can dump stuff on. It's like a pirate ship.

"I just found out I have pancreatic cancer."

Curses, I thought that Depp character looked like a hippie!

"Do you ever get that not-so-rapacious feeling?"

"There it is, Johnny, the Sea, Mother of us all. And over there, too. And if you look to the right, that's her. And behind. Pretty much all around us, 363 degrees. The Sea. Christ."

"I agree it is cute, and it captures what we'd all like the 1670s to be about but I think it's going to take a lot more than a smiley face and a hull full of cocaine and 'Oui' Magazines to make the nation forget our humiliating military defeat at the hands of the Dutch. Why'd we even get involved in that? I mean the French couldn't beat them so why did we think we could. I bet within 15 years they'll rule us."

"Don't worry, Billy, that's just Mr. Claggart's way of showing affection."

"This is just my day job; I'm really an undercover naval officer. Whoops."

"I fear Roger's become a bit too jolly since he went on Prozac."

"Aaargh, an' I warned Cap'n Hook somethin' like this'd happen if'n he spent too much time gallivantin' about with 'is pal Peter Pan!"

"Now there are crossbones under our ship's insignia? I shudder to think where this is headed."

"In the bow, you'll find a bar that's also a church. It's just crazy."

"We call this side of the boat 'leftboat.' The other side is 'Antoine' or 'ovuh-theyah.' And you probably know we call elevators 'lifts,' policemen 'coppers' and train fare 'fellatio.'"

"Jolly Roger? You mean those little watermelon candies that old people put in dishes in their living rooms? Uh, no, we don't have any...cuirass."

"Yeah, but if they sink us, it'll say 'colon, close parentheses.'"

"No, look at it on its side. It's a 'C' drive prompt, get it? Sea? Drive?"

"Ever since we threw that cartoonist overboard, we've had sightings of that unusual wave that looks like the letters 'mstevens' in script. We're haunted, I tells ya!"

I'm so excited about having fish sticks for lunch. They're yummalicious!

Why don't you try telling him we won't move until he buys some sails?

"It's there because the dude in the crow's nest was complaining."

"Meet me at four bells belowdecks, sailor, and I'll let you touch my cat-o-nine-tails."

"I was going to make a witty comment about how we're actually on a cathedral, based on the presence of stained glass windows with high Gothic ogive arches, but I couldn't think of anything funny."

"I'm still getting the hang of this 'killing with kindness' thing."

"I'm thinking I might grow a beard."

"After paying Gaultier for the costumes and Hockney for the sets, the budget was gone and they had to leave the props to that little blonde intern from Sarah Lawrence. By the way, you a top or a bottom?"

"Well, mate, bless the good captain for tryin' to cheer us boys a bit. But, shiver me timbers, until we find our way out of the vast, desolate hellhole that is scurvy Ann Coulter's poxie old cuynte, this constant despair, I fear, shall not cease to torment me wicked whoreson's soul. Arrrrrr."

"Prozac reaches out to unlikely demographic in bold new marketing campaign"

"Ahoy, matey, I sure hope this cartoon doesn't get placed next to an incredibly depressing aaaarrrr-ticle by Michael Specter."

"He's having an art competition to redesign the flag later today. You just need to be able to draw either him, or a turtle in a cap."

"Yeah, well, you try drawing a realistic human skull with only a hook for a hand. Asshole."

"Christ. Jackass pays seven figures to some consultants from McKinsey, and the only advice he gets is 'consider rebranding' and 'try to cut down on the sodomy'."

"I know: Why don't YOU tell him he lacks a basic understanding of human anatomy? I'll wait here."

"Ooh, look at that sunset! Perfect evening for a keel-hauling, eh, Steve?"

"My mother wanted me to be a highwayman."

"Everyone knows his hook is a clip-on."

"Hm. Well, I guess I owe you three shillings; parrots can fly."

"Oh great, you see that? That's Captain Hello Kittybeard's ship, The Flying Pony. We do _not_ get along."

"It's part of the Courtesy, Professionalism & Respect program for pirates. Comes from Headquarters."

"This is the weirdest stakeout I've ever been on. What did Captain Feathersword do, anyway?"

"Yet another say, and still no sign of sea! Y'know, I love a good meadow as much as the next guy, but if I never see another acre of lush tall grass it'll be too soon for me."

Er... "yet another Day"

"Ever since Captain Stubing took that bad acid, things have gone straight downhill, Gopher."

"Aye, matey, it be 'talk unlike a pirate' day. I'll give 'er a go: Avast ye scurvy... Shiver me... Arrr, talking unlike a pirate be harder than the cork in a barrel o' grog!"

He may be the very model of a modern Major-General, but that ridiculous flag makes me question what he really knows about matters vegetable, animal, and mineral.

Ahhh....another juggernaut on the ol' Buggernaut. You did remember the butt plugs this time?

The smiley face obviously represents a woman's ovum and WE are the sea men.
How cliche.

Ive been thinking about getting manscaped, myself.

Of course. The mermaids are frolicking off the starboard bow. Why is it that, when they make those announcements, Im always on the other side of the boat? And these little packs of peanuts, so hard to open.

"Lieutenant Dan, you put up my flag! When're we gonna go looting and get you some legs, Lieutenant Dan?"

"Yeah, he stopped drinking piss too."

"I could sort of overlook the wussy flag but dammit without canons we ain't shit!"

"I really miss my gondola."

"We're doomed. They've put the ship's wheel up on the poop deck, which structurally makes no sense ... why are you giggling? Oh, for goodness sake! What are you, five?"

"Your mother's a whore."

"I don't know. I guess I was just expecting more raping and decapitating."

"This doesn't really seem like the proper time or place, but the guilt is overwhelming me, Jenkins. I had sex with your wife."

"Fuck the captain, the flag, pirates, and the New Yorker."

"Between the smiley-face and the pirate motif, I have to wonder if we're somehow inside Alan Moore's 'Watchmen'."

"I told you that swapping our parrots with those business executives in exchange for one of their Successories posters was a bad idea. I bet they look just as stupid as we do, all sitting around their table with parrots on their shoulders. Arr."

Wait, there's something different about you? A haircut? New earrings? Oh, I know! Your hands have been cut off and sewed onto your nipples. Nice, nice. Looks good on you.

"Because the Styles section of the Times said skulls were played out, that's why."

"Would you stop putting words in my mouth? One, I am not saying the captain shouldn't have a prosthetic penis. Two, I'm not saying he shouldn't have one that's four feet long if that's what he wants. Three, I'm not saying he shouldn't fly a smiley-face flag from it. What I'm saying is, it just looks stupid the way it is, attached at the side of his hip, that's all."

"Hang in there, baby. Friday's coming." (assist noted)

"Mellville wrote "Billy Budd" in a house on the corner of 26th and Park. Presently at that location is an armory serving as a homeless shelter. I have a lingering cough, and crabs."

It's not just you...we could all use some ascorbic acid right now.

I don't think being dressed as a gondolier is any weirder than you guys flying that smiley flag.

Turn that frown rightside up.

Having outsourced our sails, rigging, and guns to foreign ships, we must now depend on high-volume discount retail trade in order to stay afloat. This makes us a poignant metaphor for the current state of American enterprise, though perhaps not in the way the cartoonist had in mind.

I don't know...I just expected a gay cruise to be different.

You're just making fun of the flag to deflect attention from the fact that you shave your chest hair into a circle.

Hey look- it's a fag and flag. High five on that one. No? Come on, it was funny.

Though try as he did, as a pirate, Captain Crunch was no scury dog.

Though try as he did, as a pirate, Captain Crunch was no scurvy dog.

If this isn't a reason to start a mutiny, I don't know what is.

"I'm gay. Don't tell anybody."

[Sigh] It's so hard to have a nice day with me peg leg.

"X doesn't mark the spot of our treasure. X is our treasure. That's why our Jolly Roger is jolly. And that's why the rest of the crew is having an orgy."

"He just bought 6,000 shares of WalMart."

"Jesus- what a woose!"

I didn't vote for Smiley Roger, but I'm nominating Mr. Yuk next time over Totenkopf.

We had been pillaging, plundering, you know, another day... We forced our way into this locked room, there was this woman wench, wife, whatever hiding with two little ones. (I do not know what happened to the children, I never asked.) And we were there to take things, right? It wasnt until after Id finished that I saw anything other than what Id wanted to see; it wasnt until then that I saw a person. Her face was all tears and blood, fear and anger. I see that face wherever I look, now. It haunts me.

"The hours here are obscene."

'Just kidding. Congrats to Harry

HEY THANKS!! I had a good feeling about that one. Is this the first time one of us anticaptioners actually got a real caption?

I think i have four good ones for this cartoon, and perhaps i have another winner.

"The skull totally ruined our Feng Shui." (lame, i know, but it's very New Yorker)

"We spent our entire treasure on a publicist, and this is what we get?"

"Hollywood always gets it wrong."


"Things have been different ever since Captain Craig came out of the closet."

"I'd burn it, except for that impending Constitutional amendment."

Don't be fooled by the flag, it's no so happy when it's your turn in the barrel.

Cap'n Jack runs it up when'er we near San Francisco -- Puts 'em at ease for the pluckin', aarrgh.

Ever since we stold the Prozac shipment, marauding and looting on the high seas just isn't the same

Dear Dorling Kindersley, Your artists' reference books suck.

I thought I'd be funny and tell her "Thar she blows" but she wasn't happy 'bout that & told me to go screw meself.

"Although we're very open minded here on the 'Jolly Rogerer', I do wish that the gay French couples onboard would quit trying to breastfeed their adopted children on the poop deck."

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