April 24, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #48

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"Now are you going to play it right, or do I have to tear up the rest of this motherfucker?"

"You're gonna have to do better than that. This is a $20 billion a year industry."

Results after the jump

"Oh, don't mind the mess. I'm just painting the bathroom a pretty red. Can you play Roses are Red? Can you play it perfectly? The last one couldn't..." —Sincent

"You can see the advantage of my wearing a bow tie; any other tie would be totally askew right now." —Amy

"That's your superhero power? Fucking stuff up with a violin? Your application to join the Justice League is denied, even if we do need younger members." —Jessica

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"For the 10th time, Mr. Feeney, I will not let you touch me down there."


"Yes, it probably is an earthquake, Suzie. And I suppose you're going to use that as yet another excuse to stop practicing. Jesus, you kids..."

"You know what we oughta get? A maid, that's what. This place is a wreck."

Gotta have more cowbell!

"I must say I pity the entrants to the 'real' contest for this cartoon, as they must assiduously avoid all of the most obvious joke material here. Now, five, six, seven, eight..."

"It's like Paganini is right here in the room with me. He was spastic, too."

"All right, so it's live."
"Suck it, Memorex."

Real life caption: "That was great, Janie."

"I'll get some popcorn, you get undressed."

"Between the two of us we have one helluva Henny Youngman impersonation."

"Okay, good, but next time let's see what we can do to improve the fingering and try not to lose your shit during the cadenza."

"Are you my Yothers?"

More "molto allegro," less Katrina.

"Sorry I lost my temper gramps. But I abhor practicing the violin and because I'm not a boy, I really don't want to go out and play baseball. So I'm screwed!"

Very good, now let's move on to the "C Sharp" scale.

"Shit, that fucking *rocked*. WOOOOOOOOO! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

"Damn it grandpa, get off your ass and buy a better hearing aid. If I kick it up a few more decibles the whole house might collapse!"

"That fiddle of gold is SO ours."

Excuse me! I had the boiled cabbage for lunch today.

"The disorder in the room is in contrast to the placidity of the scene. The older gentleman looks fondly on the young girl as she practices the violin, a look of transcendent serenity on her face. One gets the sense that the room's disshevelment is the result of years of neglect, as its inhabitants aspire to the cerebral and spiritual, rather than the earthly and mundane. By the way, the whole scene is hanging in a museum someplace, and I'm like the museum guide or art professor or whatever, commenting on it."

"You think you could back up a few inches so yer ol' granpa can fit back into the field of vision?"

"Hey Katy, right when the blast hit, I could see your whole skeleton! Now of course I can't see anything at all."

"Blah blah blah blah pedophilia blah blah."

"Ever since grandma died, no one has been around to see me much. The place is a mess. But you, Suzy, you bring the joy of music to my elongated, hair-filled ears. We have a special bond, a special grandfather-granddaughter connection that they can't take away from us! Thank you for bringing a little joy to this old man. Unfortuantely, I've planned to kill you this afternoon..."

"I like Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" too, Suzy, and the recreation of summer wind is a nice touch. Unfortuantely, I've planned to kill you this afternoon..."

"Ahh, things one must endure until a kidney can be harvested..."

Let that be a warning to you...I FUCKING HATE the Charlie Daniels Band!

"So much for my 'no evidence of a struggle' defense."

"Shut up, Lisa, everyone knows your mute's a clip-on."

You know, child violinery is a 20 billion dollar a year industry...

"Clara! You've aged backwards 80 years! That violin must be magic! Let me play it for a while, and we can relive our childhoods together! This is wonderful, wonderful -- oh -- god, no -- my heart -- not now, please, not now..."

"Sure, whatever, play the violin if that's what you enjoy doing afterwards. I'm just gonna have a cigarette. Whew! What a workout."

"Back in my day, kids had a little respect for the law of entropy."

"That's coming out of your allowance."

Dammit, girl. They're never going to make a movie about how I helped inner-city kids move out of shitbox hovels like this through love of classical music if you can't even play fucking "Greensleeves!"

Aaagh! Now I have to fix the curtains. You *know* how I hate it when the curtains aren't level.

Well, if you're going to practice violin in here, I guess that means this *isn't* the bathroom. Your mommy isn't going to like what I did to this chair, so let's just make that our little secret, okay?

"Well, your technique is somewhat unorthodox... Have you ever considered the drums?"

"Sorry, honey. Grandpa's going to have to hock your violin to pay for all this damage."

"You call that passion?! Christ! You play like a goddamn virgin!"

"Sorry about the mess, Suzy. A group of masked hoodlums broke in here last night and trashed the place. I'm not sure what they were looking for, really, but it was terrifying. I thought they were going to kill me."

"No, I don't think it's a good time to take up the tuba."


We live in a God-damned shithole

"Well, that was abominable."

"It's not a wind instrument, dear."

"Jesus. You're negative and morbid and possibly psycho."

“Don’t worry, sweetie. That’s just the people in the apartments on either side of us having incredible sex. Please continue playing.”

"Very interesting. How long have you believed yourself to be Nero?"

"Vy yoo such a leetle prima donna, eh? ... vy yoo such a leetle whore?"

"I'm sorry Sally, please play that again. Since Martha passed, I can't concentrate on anything."

"In your MySpace profile you described yourself as 'organized'. What gives?"


"My hearing isn't what it used to be. Did you say 'violins' or 'violence'? And were you referring to the instrument you're playing and others like it, or the act which caused this room to end up in such disarray?"

"I don't know - are you quite sure that this is how Magic Shuffle is supposed to work?"

What if you used my penis as the violin bow? Just putting it out there.

Again, please. This time with crisper bowing, and without your creepy animated music stand trashing the room.

"This isn't the type of 'fiddling' grandpa had in mind."

Midori would dismiss you as a graceless, unteachable cunt. I simply say you have no control over your arm or the instrument. Now please clean up the mess.

"thank goodness there are no strings on that violin, for if there were, we would alert our neighbors all along prinsengracht that we are hiding in this attic."

"I'll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul, 'cause I think I'm better than you."

FUCK! I can't wait to rape that virgin asshole of yours.

Your uterus just fell out.

"I would *love* to get my hands on your pussy. By which I mean, of course, that I wish I were spry enough to catch your cat and stop it from running around in here and knocking everything over. I'm sorry if my comment sounded inapporopriate, but I'm much older than you, and back in my day, it was common to refer to a cat as a pussy. Now play me another song, my dear child bride, while I continue respectfully waiting for you to reach puberty."

Note: please pretend I didn't misspell "inappropriate".

Yes, but this time, with *passion.*

No, no, no! You didn't even kick over the stand or break the violin! Jimmy Page you'll never be.

Who farted?

"There must be some cosmic significance to the fact that the curtains, the fallen shelf, the leaning books on the top right shelf, and the portrait have all come to rest at the same angle. But on the other hand, your fingering sucks ass." So very tired. Must dig. Sixty-five meters to get into the brush beyond the fence. Two more have joined our effort, but they haven't improved the rate of progress as much as I'd hoped. Cartoon captioning seems to make people lazy and self-absorbed. I'm starting to hate my fellow captives as much as the North Koreans.

What the fuck?

Could you be a dear and straighten out that painting hanging on the wall behind you? Thanks.

I would have cleaned up before you got here, but my last student accidentally played the "brown note," so i haven't really been able to stand up...

Do you think this is a sign that i need to move into assisted living?

The only things left standing are you and my shriveled yearning member.

I count ten things wrong in this picture...eleven if you include the obvious inappropriate relationship implied by nothing in the drawing, yet as palpable as an elephant in the room.

If children are our future, it's going to be one messed up world. I'm glad I won't be around to see it. God speed my little minion.

You can see the advantage of my wearing a bow tie; any other tie would be totally askew right now.

She who smelt it, dealt it.

"Okay, okay! I'll talk! The password to the Swiss bank account is 'chester'. Now, please, get out of here and cease your infernal playing of scales."

"My mother sucks cock in where?"

"My eardrums! Sweet Jesus, my eardrums!"

And that's why we don't play Coal Chamber on the violin.

She played the violin screechily. (We need the Edward Gorey font here to make this one work.)

Don't mind my office, I was inspected last week. By the way, can you get me a drink of water? My tether won't reach that far.

"MAN I love 'Dust in the Wind'! That's what they used to call a 'one-hit wonder', sweetie. But with your fiddling chops, I think this sucker has new legs, girlfriend!
Now give it to me again with feeling, honey!"

Oh, don't mind the mess. I'm just painting the bathroom a pretty red. Can you play Roses are Red? Can you play it perfectly? The last one couldn't...

That's your superhero power? Fucking stuff up with a violin? Your application to join the Justice League is denied, even if we do need younger members.

Enough. Leave. Come back when you're Asian or Jewish. No...just Asian.

"Wow!!! I didn't know you could play any "Lightning bolt" on the violin!!! even got the drums in there too! Wow!"

go to allmusic if you don't know who they are, go and listen

While I'm flattered that you are trying to mimic my "wicked tremolo skillz", you should know the proper term. It's called PARKINSONS.

So do you want to tune or do you want to see "Evil Grampaw" again?

"Little known fact: Dried ejaculate makes a superb resin. Come here."

"Aw shit. The bookshelf collapsed again. No, no... It's all right. I'll attend to it later. We ought to get on with your violin lesson. It's my fault, really... ever since Elspeth died I've just not been taking care of the place. She was always the practical one, you know? Keeping the house clean, making sure bills got paid on time... I was the exact opposite. It drove her nuts. I'd be working on a new composition and she'd come home to find bits of paper everywhere and dirty mugs in the sink and just go crazy. I tell you, the spats we used to have... I hit her once. I regret that. She was dusting round the record player and one of my Rossini albums fell from the sleeve and broke. I thought she did it on purpose. Yes... I regret a lot of things. I regret not telling her how much I loved her. I regret not... Hey! Shut the fuck up! I'm reminiscing here!"

The mess? Well, your mom was a little behind paying for the lessons, but we're good now.

"Mabel, come in here dear. Your granddaughter wants to play something for you."

"Put down that violin and come over here and shine my shoes, bitch!"

"At least you didn't break any strings."

"Damn, it's a good thing we didn't buy you a cello."

"You suck."

Insert viola joke here.

"Stop fiddling around--clean up your room!"

Who knew you could krump to Mozart?

'Okay, where were we before Pinocio came barging in here and threw his little "You made her to be a cute girl and me just a pecker-face" fit ?'

"Well that caught me totally off gaurd! I think I'm sitting in 'squishy'!"

"I told you--the poltergeists aren't going to go away until you take off your clothes, Hannah..."

Something about G strings.

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