The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #47
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
"Henderson started chasing the intruder first, which is why he is several feet in front of the others. But in his haste he forgot to pick up a weapon, and is going to attempt to strangle the villain with his bare hands. Now, it says here you graduated from Oberlin. I'm afraid we're looking for someone more qualified."
"You have an excellent performance record, general. Just out of curiosity, are you likely to speak out against the secretary of defense?"
"You know, from where I'm sitting, he really doesn't look like the most dangerous game at all."
Results after the jump
Winner:
"No! He's being strangled by his own necktie and those men are trying to help him! Jesus, you're negative and morbid and possibly psycho." simsburybear
Finalists
"So, you would recommend that the man with the ranged weapon not be at the front of the pursuit? Excellent, that's just the kind of thinking we need to finally beat that black dragon on level 9." Walt
“No, you’re right: There’s nothing funny about three armed men trying to kill a co-worker, and there’s certainly nothing funny about my blasé attitude towards same. But in a second I’ll be describing the company’s medical ‘benefits’ package to you. That’s fucking hilarious.” J
Comments
When can you start?
Posted by: Peter Moore | April 16, 2006 10:50 PM
Problem is, rock-scissor-paper doesn't work with more than two people.
Great act, what do you call it?
As soon as Bill built up sufficient static charge he fired his electric tie and incinerated all three of his pursuers.
I was gun axe you bat tie forgot my question.
Posted by: zebra | April 16, 2006 11:04 PM
"Well what exactly did you expect when you came to interview at Murder, Inc.?"
"If you think you're qualified, I want you to look me in the eye right now - no, just ignore that noise, look at me... loooooook aaaat me.... looooook at me... good. OK, you can stop looking now."
"The only downside, as you've probably noticed, is our offices are in a really bad neighborhood."
"As usual, Johnson's been screwing everybody else's wives, but today he forgot his bunny suit disguise, so..."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I did paint that mural myself. I call it 'Bat and Gun Pursuit.' Hmm? Oh, don't mind him - that's Jorgensen, he hates the thing and is always threatening to chop it to pieces."
"Boy, mundane office work sure is EXTREME here in New York City, no? Heh. New York, booyah! The Big Apple! The City That Never Sleeps! New York! The City So Nice, They Named It New York!"
"Your job would be to run around the office every day with three guys chasing you with various weapons. We have an opening starting in about ten seconds."
"Yes, Mr. Radosh, we do appreciate you stopping by for a visit. I'm afraid you'll find that Oberlin is not exactly the same idyllic, pastoral oasis you remember from years gone by."
Posted by: Vance | April 16, 2006 11:44 PM
"Assertiveness is valued here. But I must emphasize that there is absolutely zero tolerance for emotional abuse."
Posted by: Cog in the Dissonance | April 16, 2006 11:59 PM
"And every Thursday, we pick up a hobo, put him in a suit, and play a little game I like to call '3-D Clue'."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 12:16 AM
"I don't care if he's still shooting people. But did he have to write his last name on the carpet?"
Posted by: Slide | April 17, 2006 12:17 AM
"You'll find our dress code is strictly enforced. As is our policy about the Jews."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 12:17 AM
"I think you'll really appreciate our approach to white-collar crime."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 12:19 AM
"Ah.I see our cartooning department is testing the motion lines again. Looks like they're still a tad too squiggly. Just consider yourself lucky you didn't come here on a day when they're testing the stink lines. Instead of chasing Henderson with weapons, they simply make him shit his pants."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 12:21 AM
"Well, I suppose I *could* tell you what makes Soylent Green so delicious, but then I'd have to kill you! Ha ha! Just a little joke there. We have a separate department for that."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 12:22 AM
"Hmm. Looks like somebody's farted in his cubicle for the very last time."
"Oooh, gracious. I certainly hope there isn't an office shooting in the next week or two. Otherwise, this cartoon that we're in will seem horribly tasteless."
"Looks like somebody forgot that we all Tivo 'Lost' around here."
"Here at Chase Manhattan, we like to think of our company's name as an imperative."
"Oh, you're not alone -- many people are surprised to find out that there actually exists a Murder, Incorporated."
"How are you at following orders?"
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 12:34 AM
"It's just a drill."
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 1:58 AM
"We're looking for someone to do our exit interviews. The fellow we currently have doing the job is a bit tactless."
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 2:00 AM
"Don't worry -- the glass is bulletproof, so we're perfectly safe in here, unless a bullet comes in through the completely unprotected doorway."
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 2:02 AM
"It says here you're bulletproof and hatchetproof. But what about baseball bats?"
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 2:03 AM
"It's casual Friday."
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 2:10 AM
"Welcome aboard, Mr. St. Foy, have you had lunch yet?"
"Without my glasses people say I look just like Elliot Gould."
"Grab your pitchfork! It's the Revolution!"
"I don't like computers. I love the rustle of paperwork, the bold rectilinear empiricism of a filing cabinet, the scratch of a pencil, and the inscrutability of the uniquely human touch. Also I'm kind of afraid someday they'll go nuts and try to kill us all."
Predicted real-life winner: "We're taking a stricter approach to tax cheats this year, Mr. Johnson, because the president's tax cuts and spending on overseas adventurism will turn us into a desperate Third World satrapy if we don't collect every last damned dollar we're owed from the poor and middle classes."
"Associate Sales Representatives will be Associate Sales Representatives."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 17, 2006 9:51 AM
As a new member of the Original Gangster Disciples accounting team, you'll want to stay away from the 32 floor. That's the Vice Lords of Human Resources' turf.
Posted by: j-ha | April 17, 2006 9:52 AM
We don't have any positions open at the mom -- hold that thought, I think you might be in luck.
Posted by: j-ha | April 17, 2006 9:55 AM
Clearly you're a whiz with a slide-rule, but can you handle a trident?
Posted by: j-ha | April 17, 2006 10:00 AM
McCaskey, you worthless shit! A baseball bat? That's the best you could do? I've got a new man here and you're terrorizing people with a baseball bat? Who do you think you are -- Kenickie? Did you leave your brass knuckles at home? What a dipshit.
Posted by: j-ha | April 17, 2006 10:08 AM
"Unfortunately, we're going through a severe downsizing at the moment. One in three employees will be getting the axe."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 10:09 AM
"Never mind all the horror stories you've heard about Anna. Here at Men's Vogue, we have a completely different management style."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 17, 2006 10:10 AM
"Hurt him? Ha ha! No, don't be silly. They're not going to hurt him. They're just rounding him up to be shipped off to the forced-caption-writing prison, as there's a rumor that K1613 has escaped."
Posted by: Vance | April 17, 2006 10:59 AM
"Jenkins should really be wearing a tie clip. It's not a good idea to give one's pursuers something to grab."
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 11:19 AM
"What happens at Hanft, Peabody, Peabody, and McDermott *stays* at Hanft, Peabody, Peabody, and McDermott."
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 11:22 AM
"Oh, by the way, we have a VERY strict policy about stealing from the break room fridge!"
Posted by: F. MOnaco | April 17, 2006 12:45 PM
“No, you’re right: There’s nothing funny about three armed men trying to kill a co-worker, and there’s certainly nothing funny about my blasé attitude towards same. But in a second I’ll be describing the company’s medical ‘benefits’ package to you. That’s fucking hilarious.”
Posted by: J | April 17, 2006 2:17 PM
Well, what did you expect from a company that has its offices in a repurposed hockey rink?
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 17, 2006 2:20 PM
"In the original version of this cartoon that was rejected by Penthouse, I was a topless woman."
Posted by: Francis | April 17, 2006 2:21 PM
So, Mr. McNelson, you're not one to get involved in inter-office politics, are you?
Posted by: jake | April 17, 2006 2:37 PM
They keep talking about something called "cosplay," but I'm afraid the costumes will give our customers the wrong idea.
Posted by: jake | April 17, 2006 2:46 PM
One final question, and I hope this isn't too personal, but, what's you time on the quarter mile?
Posted by: jake | April 17, 2006 2:51 PM
I accept your wager, but I really think you may want to reconsider backing the gentleman with the baseball bat. I mean, hell-O? The revolver?
Posted by: Dan McCoy | April 17, 2006 2:54 PM
"I'm sorry, but we already have a solid left-handed contact hitter in Johnson from Accounting. We're really looking for a rightie with power to the opposite field."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 17, 2006 3:49 PM
"You say you prefer to kill people by stabbing them with a letter opener? I think we just may have an opening for you."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 17, 2006 4:01 PM
"At this company, we believe there's no such thing as a foolish suggestion. Except 'Do the shareholders meeting naked.'"
Posted by: Rubrick | April 17, 2006 4:07 PM
"At Granger Industries, we truly believe that that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. And if it does kill you, well, there's always another dipshit ready to take your place."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 17, 2006 4:09 PM
"He misspelled 'Huckapoo'. Don't ever misspell 'Huckapoo'."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 17, 2006 4:10 PM
"Tell me about an occasion where you had to plunge an axe into the skull of a coworker to prevent him from braining your manager who was preparing to shoot a contractor, and how you might handle the situation differently in the future."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 17, 2006 4:19 PM
Yes, WuTang Financial is just across the hall. They send quite a bit of business our way.
Posted by: scoxsmith | April 17, 2006 4:26 PM
We hired the axe to chop the bat
We hired the bat to whomp the gun
We hired the gun to blast Mr. Hobbes
We hired Mr. Hobbes to catch the fly
But I don't know why we swallowed the fly
Perhaps we'll die.
Posted by: Arthur | April 17, 2006 4:42 PM
Don't worry about. He's a Jew.
Posted by: gray nickson | April 17, 2006 4:47 PM
That depends on how you define homophobic.
Posted by: gray nickson | April 17, 2006 4:51 PM
Can you start right away? I think so...wait...just a minute...ok, now
Posted by: simsburybear | April 17, 2006 6:55 PM
So, you would recommend that the man with the ranged weapon not be at the front of the pursuit? Excellent, that's just the kind of thinking we need to finally beat that black dragon on level 9.
Posted by: Walt | April 17, 2006 7:40 PM
No! He's being strangled by his own necktie and those men are trying to help him! Jesus, you're negative and morbid and possibly psycho....
Posted by: simsburybear | April 17, 2006 7:40 PM
No, Since you ask it's no problem that you've wet your pants in fear...now can we get on with the interview?
Posted by: simsburybear | April 17, 2006 7:44 PM
Let's see here...that's Samneric, Jack and in the front is...oh give me a second... Piggy? Yes, Piggy. They're all wonderful people.
Posted by: Owen | April 17, 2006 8:31 PM
We train HARD for the Boston Marathon here.
You remind me of myself when I was younger...before I became myopic.
You think writing for The Sopranos looks tough? You should see the cat fights that break out during the L-Word brainstorming sessions. A tongue-lashing from one of those bitches will leave you limp for life. Fluffers they're not.
Posted by: Amy | April 17, 2006 9:52 PM
"No, I know he looks much older, but that's just because he's prematurely balding -- he's really only 27. Mr. Logan, however, is another story."
Posted by: Francis | April 18, 2006 12:29 AM
A 90! Can you believe it? I hadn't shot below a 100 in years. And I didn't take a single mulligan. I wiped the floor with Patterson which is fine by me because ever since accounting won the softball game all he's ever done is rub it in like it was the fucking World Series. Let's see whose laughing now. I'm considering buying a green jacket just to wear to the Christmas party. Do you think that's overdoing it? Fucking A man, best day of my life.
Posted by: Owen | April 18, 2006 1:05 AM
He's doing culture training for a job in our Baghdad office.
Posted by: Owen | April 18, 2006 1:09 AM
Yes- as a matter of fact Brett Easton Ellis did work here. How'd you ever guess?
Posted by: Owen | April 18, 2006 1:17 AM
"No, I wouldn't describe the environment as hostile. Fipps is just a moron."
Posted by: Deborah | April 18, 2006 7:55 AM
"You have to learn to brush his hand aside and say 'Please don't touch my weenie --it's private.' Those bozos are unable or unwilling to do that."
Posted by: david s | April 18, 2006 8:47 AM
"That's Gus. He's gay."
Posted by: Deborah | April 18, 2006 9:10 AM
"Of course, when you institute Kevlar-Free Fridays you're always going to have some people who abuse the privilege." The hidden trapdoor for the tunnel is complete, and the vertical shaft is about half dug. The damp muddy conditions make soil disposal within the grounds relatively easy, but we can only safely dig for an hour or two per day and the tunnel must be complete before the monsoon rains begin in late June. Hart and I have decided we need to recruit two other inmates to have a chance of success. But it's impossible to know whom to trust.
Posted by: K1613 | April 18, 2006 3:22 PM
"Don't, don't, don't let's start/This is the worst part/To believe for all the world that you're my precious little girl! Sing, asshole, or you get what he's getting."
"There is, of course, a penalty for early withdrawal. From me."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 18, 2006 3:40 PM
"Fine then, here's your copy of the company mission statement, and one of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Tomorrow we go on to rule the world."
Posted by: RichM | April 18, 2006 9:56 PM
Oh don't mind them, they're Scientologists.
Posted by: Itak | April 19, 2006 11:31 AM
The Big Three:
"A front for the Hasidic Mafia?! Hahahahaha, don't be silly. This is a Sephardic Savings and Loan."
"I'm sorry, we don't have any openings right now- say, you're in luck! It looks like something just opened up in the payroll department."
"Yes, my colleagues affectionately call it the fishbowl. See how there's windows on all sides? So, we've come to that point where I make you an official offer: How would you like to swim with the fishes?"
Posted by: Josh | April 19, 2006 2:39 PM
"Thanks for being so cooperative, Mr. Kazan. Are there any other known communists you'd care to name?"
"I see you've never been convicted of a felony. Would you like to be?"
"Yeah, I'm as amazed as anyone that Jared Paul Stern had the nerve to come back here."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 19, 2006 2:52 PM
"Don't mind them, they're with the mob."
"How would you describe your 'water cooler' etiquette?"
"I'm sorry: misdemeanors don't make the cut. We only hire those that have committed a felony."
"This is really embarrassing: the running of HR is supposed to be on Friday."
Posted by: Michael | April 20, 2006 11:46 AM
"It's Marty's turn to be It."
Posted by: Deborah | April 20, 2006 3:40 PM
"I hope you won't blog about this."
Posted by: Francis | April 20, 2006 5:56 PM
Now tell me -- Do YOU have a problem with the enormous size of my cubicle?
Posted by: ASC | April 21, 2006 11:28 AM
"Forgot his TPS reports again."
Posted by: Kathryn | April 21, 2006 1:04 PM
They hate runners. You'd think he'd stop egging them on.
Posted by: j-ha | April 21, 2006 4:37 PM
My staff enjoys killing people.
Posted by: Walt | April 22, 2006 12:12 PM
Technically, it's against the law for me to ask you this, so you don't have to answer. But we might all benefit if you were to volunteer the information anyway. What's your armor class?
Posted by: Walt | April 22, 2006 12:14 PM
"I knew it! I just knew it! 'Shave-and-a-haircut' was a lousy secret knock."
Posted by: Slide | April 22, 2006 4:00 PM
I can start the interview as soon as I find my piece of paper with a giant letter "F" on it. Ah, here it is. Just to my right. Let's begin.
Posted by: Span | April 23, 2006 1:20 PM
"Assume the position to get the position. It’s that simple!"
Posted by: David | April 23, 2006 3:16 PM
"Dick Cheney. Quail hunting. You fill in the rest of the punchline."
Posted by: RichM | April 23, 2006 9:01 PM
"You're right Mr. Peters...no one can afford a CAR chase these days."
Posted by: David W | April 24, 2006 2:03 AM
As you see Mr. Jeffers, we've downsized our munitions factory to weapons of 'only one person' destruction.
Posted by: David W | April 24, 2006 2:13 AM
Oh, they're testing a new Homeland Security Preparedness Tip. He was sending nasty emails to their daughters. And if it works, the tip will be released to the public...
Posted by: Sincent | April 26, 2006 1:14 PM
"I know, not only is it rather distracting but it's just plane weird. They've been frozen like that for years now. I wish they'd just get it over with so that I can go on with my life.
By the way, you have a small head."
Posted by: robbo | May 17, 2006 5:18 PM
"...not that there's anything WRONG with that..."
Posted by: Adrian Wapcaplet | December 8, 2006 3:35 PM