April 16, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #47

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"Henderson started chasing the intruder first, which is why he is several feet in front of the others. But in his haste he forgot to pick up a weapon, and is going to attempt to strangle the villain with his bare hands. Now, it says here you graduated from Oberlin. I'm afraid we're looking for someone more qualified."

"You have an excellent performance record, general. Just out of curiosity, are you likely to speak out against the secretary of defense?"

"You know, from where I'm sitting, he really doesn't look like the most dangerous game at all."

Results after the jump

"No! He's being strangled by his own necktie and those men are trying to help him! Jesus, you're negative and morbid and possibly psycho." —simsburybear

"So, you would recommend that the man with the ranged weapon not be at the front of the pursuit? Excellent, that's just the kind of thinking we need to finally beat that black dragon on level 9." —Walt

“No, you’re right: There’s nothing funny about three armed men trying to kill a co-worker, and there’s certainly nothing funny about my blasé attitude towards same. But in a second I’ll be describing the company’s medical ‘benefits’ package to you. That’s fucking hilarious.” —J

Posted by Daniel Radosh


When can you start?

Problem is, rock-scissor-paper doesn't work with more than two people.

Great act, what do you call it?

As soon as Bill built up sufficient static charge he fired his electric tie and incinerated all three of his pursuers.

I was gun axe you bat tie forgot my question.

"Well what exactly did you expect when you came to interview at Murder, Inc.?"

"If you think you're qualified, I want you to look me in the eye right now - no, just ignore that noise, look at me... loooooook aaaat me.... looooook at me... good. OK, you can stop looking now."

"The only downside, as you've probably noticed, is our offices are in a really bad neighborhood."

"As usual, Johnson's been screwing everybody else's wives, but today he forgot his bunny suit disguise, so..."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I did paint that mural myself. I call it 'Bat and Gun Pursuit.' Hmm? Oh, don't mind him - that's Jorgensen, he hates the thing and is always threatening to chop it to pieces."

"Boy, mundane office work sure is EXTREME here in New York City, no? Heh. New York, booyah! The Big Apple! The City That Never Sleeps! New York! The City So Nice, They Named It New York!"

"Your job would be to run around the office every day with three guys chasing you with various weapons. We have an opening starting in about ten seconds."

"Yes, Mr. Radosh, we do appreciate you stopping by for a visit. I'm afraid you'll find that Oberlin is not exactly the same idyllic, pastoral oasis you remember from years gone by."

"Assertiveness is valued here. But I must emphasize that there is absolutely zero tolerance for emotional abuse."

"And every Thursday, we pick up a hobo, put him in a suit, and play a little game I like to call '3-D Clue'."

"I don't care if he's still shooting people. But did he have to write his last name on the carpet?"

"You'll find our dress code is strictly enforced. As is our policy about the Jews."

"I think you'll really appreciate our approach to white-collar crime."

"Ah.I see our cartooning department is testing the motion lines again. Looks like they're still a tad too squiggly. Just consider yourself lucky you didn't come here on a day when they're testing the stink lines. Instead of chasing Henderson with weapons, they simply make him shit his pants."

"Well, I suppose I *could* tell you what makes Soylent Green so delicious, but then I'd have to kill you! Ha ha! Just a little joke there. We have a separate department for that."

"Hmm. Looks like somebody's farted in his cubicle for the very last time."

"Oooh, gracious. I certainly hope there isn't an office shooting in the next week or two. Otherwise, this cartoon that we're in will seem horribly tasteless."

"Looks like somebody forgot that we all Tivo 'Lost' around here."

"Here at Chase Manhattan, we like to think of our company's name as an imperative."

"Oh, you're not alone -- many people are surprised to find out that there actually exists a Murder, Incorporated."

"How are you at following orders?"

"It's just a drill."

"We're looking for someone to do our exit interviews. The fellow we currently have doing the job is a bit tactless."

"Don't worry -- the glass is bulletproof, so we're perfectly safe in here, unless a bullet comes in through the completely unprotected doorway."

"It says here you're bulletproof and hatchetproof. But what about baseball bats?"

"It's casual Friday."

"Welcome aboard, Mr. St. Foy, have you had lunch yet?"

"Without my glasses people say I look just like Elliot Gould."

"Grab your pitchfork! It's the Revolution!"

"I don't like computers. I love the rustle of paperwork, the bold rectilinear empiricism of a filing cabinet, the scratch of a pencil, and the inscrutability of the uniquely human touch. Also I'm kind of afraid someday they'll go nuts and try to kill us all."

Predicted real-life winner: "We're taking a stricter approach to tax cheats this year, Mr. Johnson, because the president's tax cuts and spending on overseas adventurism will turn us into a desperate Third World satrapy if we don't collect every last damned dollar we're owed from the poor and middle classes."

"Associate Sales Representatives will be Associate Sales Representatives."

As a new member of the Original Gangster Disciples accounting team, you'll want to stay away from the 32 floor. That's the Vice Lords of Human Resources' turf.

We don't have any positions open at the mom -- hold that thought, I think you might be in luck.

Clearly you're a whiz with a slide-rule, but can you handle a trident?

McCaskey, you worthless shit! A baseball bat? That's the best you could do? I've got a new man here and you're terrorizing people with a baseball bat? Who do you think you are -- Kenickie? Did you leave your brass knuckles at home? What a dipshit.

"Unfortunately, we're going through a severe downsizing at the moment. One in three employees will be getting the axe."

"Never mind all the horror stories you've heard about Anna. Here at Men's Vogue, we have a completely different management style."

"Hurt him? Ha ha! No, don't be silly. They're not going to hurt him. They're just rounding him up to be shipped off to the forced-caption-writing prison, as there's a rumor that K1613 has escaped."

"Jenkins should really be wearing a tie clip. It's not a good idea to give one's pursuers something to grab."

"What happens at Hanft, Peabody, Peabody, and McDermott *stays* at Hanft, Peabody, Peabody, and McDermott."

"Oh, by the way, we have a VERY strict policy about stealing from the break room fridge!"

“No, you’re right: There’s nothing funny about three armed men trying to kill a co-worker, and there’s certainly nothing funny about my blasé attitude towards same. But in a second I’ll be describing the company’s medical ‘benefits’ package to you. That’s fucking hilarious.”

Well, what did you expect from a company that has its offices in a repurposed hockey rink?

"In the original version of this cartoon that was rejected by Penthouse, I was a topless woman."

So, Mr. McNelson, you're not one to get involved in inter-office politics, are you?

They keep talking about something called "cosplay," but I'm afraid the costumes will give our customers the wrong idea.

One final question, and I hope this isn't too personal, but, what's you time on the quarter mile?

I accept your wager, but I really think you may want to reconsider backing the gentleman with the baseball bat. I mean, hell-O? The revolver?

"I'm sorry, but we already have a solid left-handed contact hitter in Johnson from Accounting. We're really looking for a rightie with power to the opposite field."

"You say you prefer to kill people by stabbing them with a letter opener? I think we just may have an opening for you."

"At this company, we believe there's no such thing as a foolish suggestion. Except 'Do the shareholders meeting naked.'"

"At Granger Industries, we truly believe that that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. And if it does kill you, well, there's always another dipshit ready to take your place."

"He misspelled 'Huckapoo'. Don't ever misspell 'Huckapoo'."

"Tell me about an occasion where you had to plunge an axe into the skull of a coworker to prevent him from braining your manager who was preparing to shoot a contractor, and how you might handle the situation differently in the future."

Yes, WuTang Financial is just across the hall. They send quite a bit of business our way.

We hired the axe to chop the bat
We hired the bat to whomp the gun
We hired the gun to blast Mr. Hobbes
We hired Mr. Hobbes to catch the fly
But I don't know why we swallowed the fly
Perhaps we'll die.

Don't worry about. He's a Jew.

That depends on how you define homophobic.

Can you start right away? I think so...wait...just a minute...ok, now

So, you would recommend that the man with the ranged weapon not be at the front of the pursuit? Excellent, that's just the kind of thinking we need to finally beat that black dragon on level 9.

No! He's being strangled by his own necktie and those men are trying to help him! Jesus, you're negative and morbid and possibly psycho....

No, Since you ask it's no problem that you've wet your pants in fear...now can we get on with the interview?

Let's see here...that's Samneric, Jack and in the front is...oh give me a second... Piggy? Yes, Piggy. They're all wonderful people.

We train HARD for the Boston Marathon here.

You remind me of myself when I was younger...before I became myopic.

You think writing for The Sopranos looks tough? You should see the cat fights that break out during the L-Word brainstorming sessions. A tongue-lashing from one of those bitches will leave you limp for life. Fluffers they're not.

"No, I know he looks much older, but that's just because he's prematurely balding -- he's really only 27. Mr. Logan, however, is another story."

A 90! Can you believe it? I hadn't shot below a 100 in years. And I didn't take a single mulligan. I wiped the floor with Patterson which is fine by me because ever since accounting won the softball game all he's ever done is rub it in like it was the fucking World Series. Let's see whose laughing now. I'm considering buying a green jacket just to wear to the Christmas party. Do you think that's overdoing it? Fucking A man, best day of my life.

He's doing culture training for a job in our Baghdad office.

Yes- as a matter of fact Brett Easton Ellis did work here. How'd you ever guess?

"No, I wouldn't describe the environment as hostile. Fipps is just a moron."

"You have to learn to brush his hand aside and say 'Please don't touch my weenie --it's private.' Those bozos are unable or unwilling to do that."

"That's Gus. He's gay."

"Of course, when you institute Kevlar-Free Fridays you're always going to have some people who abuse the privilege." The hidden trapdoor for the tunnel is complete, and the vertical shaft is about half dug. The damp muddy conditions make soil disposal within the grounds relatively easy, but we can only safely dig for an hour or two per day and the tunnel must be complete before the monsoon rains begin in late June. Hart and I have decided we need to recruit two other inmates to have a chance of success. But it's impossible to know whom to trust.

"Don't, don't, don't let's start/This is the worst part/To believe for all the world that you're my precious little girl! Sing, asshole, or you get what he's getting."

"There is, of course, a penalty for early withdrawal. From me."

"Fine then, here's your copy of the company mission statement, and one of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Tomorrow we go on to rule the world."

Oh don't mind them, they're Scientologists.

The Big Three:

"A front for the Hasidic Mafia?! Hahahahaha, don't be silly. This is a Sephardic Savings and Loan."

"I'm sorry, we don't have any openings right now- say, you're in luck! It looks like something just opened up in the payroll department."

"Yes, my colleagues affectionately call it the fishbowl. See how there's windows on all sides? So, we've come to that point where I make you an official offer: How would you like to swim with the fishes?"

"Thanks for being so cooperative, Mr. Kazan. Are there any other known communists you'd care to name?"

"I see you've never been convicted of a felony. Would you like to be?"

"Yeah, I'm as amazed as anyone that Jared Paul Stern had the nerve to come back here."

"Don't mind them, they're with the mob."

"How would you describe your 'water cooler' etiquette?"

"I'm sorry: misdemeanors don't make the cut. We only hire those that have committed a felony."

"This is really embarrassing: the running of HR is supposed to be on Friday."

"It's Marty's turn to be It."

"I hope you won't blog about this."

Now tell me -- Do YOU have a problem with the enormous size of my cubicle?

"Forgot his TPS reports again."

They hate runners. You'd think he'd stop egging them on.

My staff enjoys killing people.

Technically, it's against the law for me to ask you this, so you don't have to answer. But we might all benefit if you were to volunteer the information anyway. What's your armor class?

"I knew it! I just knew it! 'Shave-and-a-haircut' was a lousy secret knock."

I can start the interview as soon as I find my piece of paper with a giant letter "F" on it. Ah, here it is. Just to my right. Let's begin.

"Assume the position to get the position. It’s that simple!"

"Dick Cheney. Quail hunting. You fill in the rest of the punchline."

"You're right Mr. Peters...no one can afford a CAR chase these days."

As you see Mr. Jeffers, we've downsized our munitions factory to weapons of 'only one person' destruction.

Oh, they're testing a new Homeland Security Preparedness Tip. He was sending nasty emails to their daughters. And if it works, the tip will be released to the public...

"I know, not only is it rather distracting but it's just plane weird. They've been frozen like that for years now. I wish they'd just get it over with so that I can go on with my life.
By the way, you have a small head."

"...not that there's anything WRONG with that..."

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