March 20, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #43

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


"If they all fit in a tiny car, you must acquit."

Results after the jump. But you knew that.

"That's really quite adorable, but please tell Mr. Gacy that dogs are not allowed in the courtroom." —Francis

"Is that clown suit made out of dog noses?" —j-ha

"The Prophet (peace be upon him) dressed up in a clown suit and accompanied by a filthy dog being put on trial - what a delightfully innocuous thing one might see depicted in print and furthermore unlikely to upset anyone!" —RichM

Posted by Daniel Radosh


The Aristocrats!

You're right! If I sentence him to prison the inmates certainly will be juggling his balls.

"That's really quite adorable, but please tell Mr. Gacy that dogs are not allowed in the courtroom."

"Funiculars are for old people."

Spy vs. Spy: The Golden Years

"Fuck you, clown."

"You remind me of myself when I was your age."

"You had me at 'Your honor.'"

"You Creationists really know how to make an entrance."

Predicted real-life winner: "Now that's what I call a show trial."

"I'm going to hold you in contempt of modern humor unless you cease the mockery and start making wry observations about this court and vaginas."

Can't resist the AD gag: "Bud Cort is now in session."

"Well, if you must know, he makes me laugh."

"Thank you so, so much for granting an old codger like me his dying wish of seeing Snoopy stamped to death by a goddamn clown."

"We look alike. Fuck you."

"I'll allow it, but afterwards can we get ice cream?"

"I find you guilty...of fun!"

I agree...the juxtaposition of a circus act and courtroom drama is supremely funny.
Get it? "Supreme"ly funny? Oh how I miss my days in improv.

Here come da clown..

Yes, this really does lighten the mood on my abortion ruling.

My, my, my...those really ARE star witnesses!

I rule the dog be euthanized and the clown spend years behind bars appealing his case until we snuff him out just for laughs.

"Sweetie, I can't believe you got us such good seats for the circus! Now you better get up here before they let the animals out."

(I mean, of course, the big scary animals, not the cute dogs.)

"I find them guilty ... of being hilarious!"

"This is a courtroom, not a circus!"

"Check it out! That dog's wearing a hat! Neat!"

"Thank you, this reenactment was quite helpful. I find the defendant guilty of beastiality and impresonation of a clown."

"Ha ha ha!"

"Nobody in a clown suit could be guilty of rape and murder! He's free to go!"

"This is a circus, not a courtroom!"

btw, i meant 'impersonation' above, of course...

Well, now I'm smiling. And I most certainly did not expect to be doing much of that today. Mr. Moussaoui, as my deputies wipe the creamy pie-filling from your face and prepare to escort you back to your cell -- where you once again face the prospect of being put to death thanks to the government's performance here today -- I want you to think about this: Maybe if you laughed a little more and plotted to crash planes into buildings a little less, this crazy world not be such a bad place in which to live after all.

Not guilty. Nothing that makes me laugh that hard can possibly be molestation.

And now- a clown and a dog, who is also dressed as a clown.

Whenever my clinical depression threatens to get the better of me, I thank the Judiciary that I have the power to subpoena clowns. Also dogs. Although dog subpoenas are harder to justify.

The spray of machine-gun fire appears not to be causing the clown any pain despite having inflicted at least seventeen distinct entry wounds, and it appears to have missed the dog entirely. Therefore I reject the claim that the punishment was cruel and unusual.

Counsel, your client and his dog each will collide with the bench in approximately three seconds.

That's very entertaining, thank you. I still sentence you to death by lethal injection, though...

"...proving that a clown can, in fact, keep up with a small dog in a footrace. I rest my case."

"You tackle the lawyer. I've got a crotch to sniff."

"Your evidence seems a bit spotty."

"I know I shouldn't be laughing about this, counselor, but I just can't help it. Your arm is about to be broken by a clown."

"Is it safe to drop a Fellini reference? Would that be too dated? Or overused? Because, you see, there's a circus element here, and since everyone knows -- or at least, everyone thinks -- the concept of the World as Circus pretty much defines 'Felliniesque,' I'd like to think it would be wholly appropriate to do so (though I, personally, prefer his early neorealist films)."

"hop hop hop
clop clop clop
that's how you do the jailhouse shuffle!"
"encore! encore!"
"hop hop hop
clop clop clop
that's how you do the jailhouse shuffle!"
(applause, boos)

"Well, anyone who might see this would have to agree it is a hilarious situation!"

"Guilty of crying on the inside."


"This whole court's out of order! Entertainingly so!"

This scrappy little fella makes an argument more eloquent than any "dream team" of lawyers. Adorably Not-guilty!

Your Honor, I refer you to the shoe-size, penis-size corollary. Tickles, if you would.

Two days ago we were served meat, which usually only happens shortly after executions, and some of us received long-overdue medical care. Then we were issued blankets, thesauri, and clean uniforms. The reasons for these actions became clear yesterday, when a group of cartoon editors of many different nationalities toured our cartoon captioning facility, chatting amiably with the administrators and glancing at our work over our shoulders. The guards did not permit them to speak with us, and none of us dared to speak up on our own, as it would have resulted in death. Surely the cartoon editors cannot have been deceived by the North Koreans' pretense of humane treatment. They must know what's really going on here. But they choose not to notice. This morning the blankets and thesauri were taken away.

I love clowns, but I live in a toaster.

The (Not So) Big Three:

"Heh heh, well, the clown is free to go. I can't believe him capable of the heinous act for which he is accused. But the dog hasn't convinced me. He'll have to be put to sleep."

"Twin brother, you should be ashamed. Representing a clown-and-dog act? Is this why I worked two night jobs after dad died, to send you to Georgetown? You are a digrace... an adorable, adorbale disgr- say! Can that dog whistle 'Dixie?'"

"From way up here, it's like you're a flea circus."

"Only $200 an hour for both, you say? And they'll do anything? I'm in!"

Is that clown suit made out of dog noses?

"You asked: 'May it please the court?' Well, all I can say is: you most surely have pleased THIS court, sir!"

"That's not a pitbull. That's not a molesting clown. Any idiot can see that!"

Wow! This is as funny as a New Yorker cartoon!

If only we had the death penalty in this state. Damn!

"Guilty of criminal mischief."

Thank you K1613. My thoughts and prayers are with you. But for my own amusement I hope you never see the light of day.

They are a delightful couple, but I still can't marry them.

"I'll have a ham and cheese on rye! Heh! Get it? 'Order?' NOW who's the funnyman, hmmmm?"

"This is outrageous -- I'm fining you for contempt. I'm sorry, I don't know why I was smiling when I said that."

My wife. Who has AIDS.

Most suits in court are serious...once in a while a funny one comes along.

So which one of you treee is the lawyer?

You say want a jury of his peers: four clowns, four politicians and four lawyers.

Lool at him: you can just tell he's 'innocent'.

"Not since the penile dismemberment trial have I witnessed such twisted hilarity."

"Okay, okay, you win. Zero time for your heinous crime."

"I don't get it."

"I'm laughing at you, not with you."

"Sure I like his jammies, but yours have feet."

"I can only imagine how that hat tickler would feel on my prostate!"

Would somebody please ask Rosie O'Donnell to go jog somewhere else!!!

Bird Flu? Looks more like the plague to me.

I'll get you my clowny, and you're little dog, too!!!

"Bozo Bozo bo-Bozo banana fana fo-Fozo me my mo-Mozo--BO-ZO!"

"Don't bother...They're here."

"Okay, we'll swear them in, but they'll have to speak and they'll no longer be in pantomime."

"I cite the precedent of Audience v. Bucket of Confetti."

"...And I guess that's why you brought a clown. To the courtroom. That clown there. Okay, I guess it makes sense."

"Who let the dog out?"

"This is the bestest birthday ever!"

"Replacing the pony with a clown? Genius!"

"This is why I like you more than Bruce Cutler."

"Hah! This is what I call law and disorder!! Ha ha!"

"Charming. I'll keep the jury out for another thirty minutes."

"Jiminy cricket! This is even more amusing than Anna Nicole Smith!!"

"Ha! You know, those conical hats provide me with a perfect fashion related constitutional law wiretapping analogy!!"

"The Prophet (peace be upon him) dressed up in a clown suit and accompanied by a filthy dog being put on trial - what a delightfully innocuous thing one might see depicted in print and furthermore unlikely to upset anyone!"

"Fusilli, you crazy bastard! Who the hell's your new master?"

"They have been utterly delightful to have in my courtroom. I don't want to sentence them to death, but I have to."

"I loathe dogs and clowns, but compared to human scum...."

"Well, it's a lovely gesture, but I still think we should start seeing other people."

"Are you trying to turn my courtroom into a circ... Hee Hee! Awww, what the hell!"

"Okay, you've showed me what you keep in your closet. Now I'll show you what I do under my robe."

"Oh, so that's what you meant when you said you wanted to bring out 'Mr Happy'."

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