February 5, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #38

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


Can you do worse than me?

"Well, this does call to mind Dr. Johnson's observation about a dog's walking on his hind legs: It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all. Ha ha ha."

"On my honor, Peter Landesman, this is exactly what they would make us do in that basement."

"That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

"I'm never going sailing on this damn lake again, Martha. It's just too small and crowded." (Said by a person in the sailboat on the left side of the framed picture)

Results after the jump

"Sure, we tried to show our disappointment when Lucy skinned the dog and started dancing in its still-moist hide, but we were totally trying not to giggle. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff?" —j-ha

"Holy shit - am I seeing things... or is that dog actually juggling chainsaws???" —Vance

"Too much tonic, not enough gin." —jake

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I don't know why, but I didn't think that a folk act called Beagle, Paul, and Mary would be this bad."

"I'd just as soon move on to the luau, so we can roast it on a spit."

"Jane, did you know that bill played guitar?"

"That would be impressive if he weren't clapping on 1 and 3 instead of 2 and 4."

::Gasp:: "He's showing us his tail!"

"That's not amusing, that's sick. And more than a little sad, if you don't mind my saying so."


"Yanks, don't encourage them, dear."

"Too much tonic, not enough gin."

"Reminds me of a bit I heard on NPR today..."

"If I wasn't so lit, I'd swear that dog was dancing."

"I just hope he's fixed, if we're really going to go through with this."

"Do a dog's front paws even bend like that? Holy shit, we're in a cartoon."

Doesn't seem authentic without a ukulele.

I love Beagle butts and I can not lie.

I won't be needing the Viagra tonight.

One just doesn't know what to expect at a faculty party these days.

"Yes, that's some very impressive bicep-flexing your dog is doing there, but the grass skirt undermines your claim that he can be an effective alpha dog on our sled team."

"Yes, that's some very impressive bicep-flexing your dog is doing there, but the grass skirt undermines your claim that he can be an effective alpha dog on our sled team."

"Do you think she slept with her dog or that her daughter was adopted?"

Good -- keep staring directly into its eyes -- do not blink! I am ever-so quitely going to approach this pompous, strutting, demon spawn from behind and snap its head off with my bare hands. Then, more folk songs.

Wow! I mean, seriously, wow. That's really someth - wait a minute, is this alcohol? And what kind of half-dressed whore have you seated next to me? And your wife, does she hav- holy crap is that a painting of Tilda Swinton in a rowboat with an arrow pointing to her and on the back end of the arrow it says "Mohammad"? Astaghfir Allah, this is the last time I have dinner with Jews.

"No, erm, that's a beautiful daughter you have there, to be sure. Son! I meant son. Handsome boy. Good boy. Yes. Yes you is."

"For God's sake, Shenanigan, you know my first wife was killed by a dancing beagle."

Predicted real-life winner: "Santorum was right!"

"Lovecraft was right! This rum-punch is unspeakable."

"How I hate Jesuits."

(whispered) "Honey, let's just take our own keys out of the bowl and go home."

You named your dog Mohammed?

"I don't care about the truth, anymore. I still enjoy A Million Little Pieces for the writing."

First, he spelled "Handelsman" on the rug in urine. Now this! What does it mean?

"George Booth would have drawn this much better."

That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Even Michael Hedges (God rest his soul) couldn't play guitar like *that*!

Okay, it's a movie, three words, Christopher Guest... but is it Best in Show or A Mighty Wind? I'm so confused.

"Your boatneck sweater makes you look more gay than does my turtleneck sweater make me look like a '70s cocktail-party throwback."

"Oh, sure, but can he sublimate out of his clothing before a Senate subcommittee?"

"If only I'd know that this is the sort of shit we'd have to endure after the Rapture, I would have been more forceful in my denunciation of activist liberal judges."

We broke its elbows in ten places, but it can still only do the Y the M and the A. So now I am going to snap its head off with my bare hands.

Sure, we tried to show our disappointment when Lucy skinned the dog and started dancing in its still-moist hide, but we were totally trying not to giggle. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff?

For the moment, the insubstantial white void under our feet seems to be holding all of us up. But if the dog ever stops dancing...

Maybe if you pet him, he'll let you lick 'em too.

Good one, Carmine. da.

He sings just like Senator Akaka too!

"Don't you want to sniff me....all over?"

"this is the part of the hula where Queen Lili'uokalani welcomes us as liberators"

Margaret, cross your legs. Their Polynesian Beagle has picked up your scent and has begun his elaborate courtship ritual.

"Quite honestly, this is the only reliable way to shake out the centipedes that live in Brownie's vagina."

"Considering how rarely we entertain, I wish we'd devoted more time to teaching her not to shit in the house."

"Oh sure, it's all very entertaining now, but just wait till the part where she demands the head of Marmaduke on a platter."

"Holy shit - am I seeing things... or is that dog actually juggling chainsaws???"

"Well, at least this is a welcome break from their interminable slide show. I don't think I could have sat still for one more shot of her blowing that dog."

"See our new neighbors be weird. See their dog Spot sidle coyly to some ethnomusicologist's idea of awesome toward Tina's bad place. Sidle, Spot, Sidle! Bad, Tina, bad!
See Spot pump his forelimbs. Pump, Spot pump!" *practice this and then move on to the next chapter 'Spot Pumps Tina'.*

"This must have something to do with that xBox I've been hearing about."

"You look very good flexing your biceps, but the tutu still looks awfully queer."

That's great. Bring out the Gimp.

who let the dog(s) out?

"A dog dancing to La Bamba? Now I have seen everything."

"Here's to you, Fido--the next editor of New York Press!"

"He probably just smells your hula dancer."

"MahaLO!! That's one Don Ho! One Don 'Knott's Berry Farm' Ho! Get it....'Don Knotts' ho'?"

"On the day that your mentaliteeeeeeeeeeeeeeee catches up with your biologeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."

Someone get that dog a mohel.

"This would sound much better with tambourines."

"So fucking what? My poodle can do aerobics and sing 'Let's Get Physical' at the same time."

Pretty good act, but a bit stinky too. Look! There are visible odor marks emanating from its paws! Oh, those indicate motion? My mistake.

"This behavior is a classic sign of threadworms. No doubt They've lodged in the brain and very possibly the heart muscle. By tomorrow the poor animal will be dead. What can we do but enjoy the show and pretend we don't know anything."

I'm getting wood . . . that's not right.

"It's a cute idea and all, but I just don't think Dancing With the Stars' Dogs is going to pull in big ratings. Maybe you should try pitching it to Animal Planet."

"OH MY GOD! This IS the reincarnation of my dead fiance! Look at that booty dancing...oh yeah, its perfect. There's only one way to be sure though. I'll need a jar of peanut butter and 10 minutes alone with the dog."

"how much for a lap dance?"

"Weird things like this have kept happening ever since I spurned the advances of Commander Riker."

That Son of a Bitch

"you're right, a dancing dog IS a good replacement for all those goldfish we killed when we packed them in the luggage."

Ow my roids are flaming up

"Nice pooper."

"Even if what you say is true, I'm still not convinced being able to dance and flex like that are worth drinking dog piss for."

Their jaws still dropped in awe, the Johnsons had yet to recover from the freestyle pop locking exhibit as the Petersons and their dog moved into the gentler rhythms of the hula routine.

"He likes it when you clap. Stan and Rita, why don't you clap!"

"With the nuts cut off we never would have known joy like this. Dogs just get lazy and mean without them."

At that moment the Johnsons wanted the dog's nuts cuts off, the Petersons' nuts cut off, their own nuts cut off, the whole world's nuts cut off if only it would end their humiliation. Sadly, the nuts were not the problem, the solution not so simple.

... off with the nuts ...

The fuckin' pooch can groove.

"Honey, the thompsons have already asked you twice to cross your legs."

"my pussy does tricks, too"

"They say his name is Sparky, but with moves like that they should have named him Commander Riker."

"woof woof woof, at least this is better than the time that sonovabitch busted out the fiddle and made me two-step to The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Can I have a bone now?"

That is one hot bitch.
Are worms communicable?

You know, I really regret that I consented to be on that Trading Spouses show. At least MY wife wouldn't get all prudish and refuse to remove her skirt."

Nice tits. All eight of them.

"I think I just pooped my pants."

"At least this is better than the time I got assaulted by a plethora of horrible poop smells at the trucker rest stop."

--"Wow. Have you noticed how much her hair looks like a brain sporting a mullet?"
--"So I guess you have to call it 'Smart on the top, ugly in the front, and party in the back'"

"As Dog is my witness, this so offends my religious sensibilities that I'm going into the kitchen to burn this place down."

"Forget the dancing...I'm talking for fuck's sake!"

"Do we dare tell them that dogs aren't allowed in the Olympics...and hula dancing is not an Olympic sport?"

Did you get the Coke with the bad acid too, Jim?

Hula: Doggie Style

On this episode of Hawaii Five-0, Danno goes undercover.

Fifi always does tropical dances when she's in heat.

Charo has really let herself go.

Sometimes Molly gets so excited she starts pirowetting.

She's nowhere as impressive as the Peterson's hula dancing beagle.

I don't know how to let them know - I'm not only allergic to dogs but also to grass.

" She dances as if she had two left feet...by gosh...she does!"

I don't mean to be judgmental, Bob...but technically, shouldn't you be playing a ukulele?

Ya know, I'm not sure Letterman would classify this as a stupid pet or stupid human trick.

"We taught her to beg...so she begged for dancing lessons!"

"Oh God, we're part of The Aristocrats joke!"

"Knock me over! When did petsploitation become de rigeur among the middle class?"

"It's like our marriage, isn't it Linda....a sorry circus."

“This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S”

Damn! That dog can sing, but you should really consider clarifying your description on midlifeswingers.com, "Bitch in heat that loves bananas." However, I think we can work with it.

Help! I'm being held prisoner in a secret North Korean cartoon captioning facility.

No, no, we didn't say we couldn't train him. We can train him just fine, see? We just can't train him to stop sniffing crotches. And quite frankly, if I had my druthers, well, you know.

No one spoke for a moment as their guests looked on in amazement and revulsion, and the Petersons gazed at Mojo with loving pride. Yes, no one spoke, or even opened their mouths to do so. In fact, if the whole scene were caricatured and made the subject of a cartoon caption contest, it would be lamer than the lamest thing ever, because any quote could not be reliably attributed to any of the participants. It was that kind of moment.

This is our version of foreplay.

This is what happens to barren women. They adopt dogs and pretend they are babies. Stupid dancing babies. The New Yorker hates barren women. We will no longer publish the following barren female writers: Alice Munro, Lorrie Moore.

"Well, if this isn't the whole shebang, I don't know what is."

"Psst...Honey, did she say that this act was called 'the Aristocats'?"

Yes dog, we get it. We're all overweight and you're not. Christ, stop being such an asshole about it. At least, wer're human beings and have goddamn souls. … No, I'm not sorry I said it either. "All Dogs Go To Heaven?" What a crock. Enjoy being dead at age 10.

My God, he'd be lethal if he had opposable thumbs.

I hate to admit it, Betty, but he does look better in the grass skirt than you do.

"That is some of the worst guitar playing I've ever heard."

"'Move Ya Bod-deeeah'! Yeah! This is the real deal,Moira. Be a good girl and get a hold of Dick in L.A.and tell'm we gotta ourselves the next Shakira, Mariah, Madonna, Bjork --whatever...."

Usually dogs are quadrupeds.

The complexity of this situation would seem to indicate not the randomness of natural selection, but the guiding hand of an intelligent designer.

"Well I thought you said Westminster Dog Show, not Wes and Mindy's Dog Show."

"I disagree, I think Madonna is not as cut, OR pretty."

"Lorna, I think he wants you to dance with him. You're going to turn him down, I hope."

"This reminds me of that book. You know, the one with Jesus and Onan and Snoopy."

"Goddamned nouveaux riches and their goddamned flamencodoodles."

"The unsubtle anti-human strain in Gary Larson cartoons becomes anti-humanistic by dint of its egregious unsubtlety, bitch."

My sparkling dewdrop
Off of this mutt
I shall cut
the nuts
and plop them in
one for you
one for me
I love you

This year's American Idol is perhaps the only thing that Simon and Paula can agree on hating, and the only one that truly deserves Randy's annoying, "Go Dawg!"

"I am beginning to think I should never have mentioned the song 'My Humps,' dear."

"Heeyyyy, Macarena!"

"I guess this is why we could get tickets."

"Actually when I said I wanted to see the bitch dance, I meant your wife."

“Yes, dancing dog, very impressive. It’s too bad our blind son will only be using the mutt to get around.”

"Can you believe she didn't win the dog show? Those guys wouldn’t know talent if it bit em in the ass. Not unlike the New Yorker Caption Contest staff."

"Okay, okay, we’ll donate to the cruelty to animals fund!! Now please, for the love of all things holy, make it stop!"

"Good stuff. It's a real shame they're putting her down this afternoon."

"... and if you stick your leg out, he can do the Lambada"

"This is the entertaining aspect of testing cosmetics on animals."

"God, we need new friends."

"Well Martha, I didn't say it would be easy to tell your brother about your ovarian cancer..."

"If they'd honeymooned at Niagara Falls, would the dog be pissing on my leg?"

"The reviewers headline was 'Pearl Harbor revisited' because his hula act bombed."

the grass skirt covers the electrodes attached to his balls.

(singing, not necessarily on key):
"Mice in white lab coats, squids in chef aprons, beagles in hula skirts, bulls as bar patrons....female packages tied up with snake...these are much better than chocolate cake. When the hmmm hmmm, when the hmm,hmmm,..? hmmmm,hmm hmm hmmm,hmmm,hmm,hmhm,hm,hmmm,
hmm,hmm,hmm,hmm,hmmm,..hmm hm don't feel so bad."

Marge, I believe that the introductory paragraph just broke the record for overuse of the phrase "click here"!

Been there done that

"I wish we had done tonight that which was our original plan, to go to the movies."

"I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged."

"Gabba-gabba-gabba woo-eee, it just got cuh-RAZY in here! Homina-blah-wooooo!"

You know, I was worried that putting the dog in a grass skirt and making it dance might just create a cheap laugh from the odd visual juxtaposition and detract from the serious artistic endeavor I had planned, but in fact, that seems not to be the case. There's certainly nothing funny about this.

" Good God, Jan. Hurry up and strangle that thing!"

"Does the tail vibrate too?"

"This act has legs....I won't say whose !"

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