The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #38
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
Can you do worse than me?
"Well, this does call to mind Dr. Johnson's observation about a dog's walking on his hind legs: It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all. Ha ha ha."
"On my honor, Peter Landesman, this is exactly what they would make us do in that basement."
"That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
"I'm never going sailing on this damn lake again, Martha. It's just too small and crowded." (Said by a person in the sailboat on the left side of the framed picture)
Results after the jump
Winner:
"Sure, we tried to show our disappointment when Lucy skinned the dog and started dancing in its still-moist hide, but we were totally trying not to giggle. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff?" —j-ha
Finalists
"Holy shit - am I seeing things... or is that dog actually juggling chainsaws???" —Vance
"Too much tonic, not enough gin." —jake
Comments
"I don't know why, but I didn't think that a folk act called Beagle, Paul, and Mary would be this bad."
Posted by: Martin | February 5, 2006 10:53 PM
"I'd just as soon move on to the luau, so we can roast it on a spit."
Posted by: Martin | February 5, 2006 10:57 PM
"Jane, did you know that bill played guitar?"
"That would be impressive if he weren't clapping on 1 and 3 instead of 2 and 4."
::Gasp:: "He's showing us his tail!"
Posted by: ay | February 5, 2006 10:58 PM
"That's not amusing, that's sick. And more than a little sad, if you don't mind my saying so."
Posted by: RichM | February 5, 2006 11:10 PM
Woof.
Posted by: Charles | February 6, 2006 12:28 AM
"Yanks, don't encourage them, dear."
Posted by: jake | February 6, 2006 2:24 AM
"Too much tonic, not enough gin."
Posted by: jake | February 6, 2006 2:26 AM
"Reminds me of a bit I heard on NPR today..."
Posted by: jake | February 6, 2006 2:29 AM
"If I wasn't so lit, I'd swear that dog was dancing."
Posted by: jake | February 6, 2006 2:32 AM
"I just hope he's fixed, if we're really going to go through with this."
Posted by: jake | February 6, 2006 2:34 AM
"Do a dog's front paws even bend like that? Holy shit, we're in a cartoon."
Posted by: Jim Treacher | February 6, 2006 3:01 AM
Doesn't seem authentic without a ukulele.
Posted by: Amy | February 6, 2006 7:23 AM
I love Beagle butts and I can not lie.
Posted by: Amy | February 6, 2006 7:27 AM
I won't be needing the Viagra tonight.
Posted by: Amy | February 6, 2006 7:36 AM
One just doesn't know what to expect at a faculty party these days.
Posted by: SA | February 6, 2006 9:21 AM
"Yes, that's some very impressive bicep-flexing your dog is doing there, but the grass skirt undermines your claim that he can be an effective alpha dog on our sled team."
Posted by: Jesse | February 6, 2006 12:38 PM
"Yes, that's some very impressive bicep-flexing your dog is doing there, but the grass skirt undermines your claim that he can be an effective alpha dog on our sled team."
Posted by: Jesse | February 6, 2006 12:40 PM
"Do you think she slept with her dog or that her daughter was adopted?"
Posted by: Diogenes | February 6, 2006 1:31 PM
Good -- keep staring directly into its eyes -- do not blink! I am ever-so quitely going to approach this pompous, strutting, demon spawn from behind and snap its head off with my bare hands. Then, more folk songs.
Posted by: j-ha | February 6, 2006 1:33 PM
Wow! I mean, seriously, wow. That's really someth - wait a minute, is this alcohol? And what kind of half-dressed whore have you seated next to me? And your wife, does she hav- holy crap is that a painting of Tilda Swinton in a rowboat with an arrow pointing to her and on the back end of the arrow it says "Mohammad"? Astaghfir Allah, this is the last time I have dinner with Jews.
Posted by: Wolpaw | February 6, 2006 1:39 PM
"No, erm, that's a beautiful daughter you have there, to be sure. Son! I meant son. Handsome boy. Good boy. Yes. Yes you is."
"For God's sake, Shenanigan, you know my first wife was killed by a dancing beagle."
Predicted real-life winner: "Santorum was right!"
"Lovecraft was right! This rum-punch is unspeakable."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | February 6, 2006 1:44 PM
"How I hate Jesuits."
Posted by: Francis | February 6, 2006 1:48 PM
(whispered) "Honey, let's just take our own keys out of the bowl and go home."
Posted by: Francis | February 6, 2006 1:50 PM
You named your dog Mohammed?
Posted by: scoxsmith | February 6, 2006 2:07 PM
"I don't care about the truth, anymore. I still enjoy A Million Little Pieces for the writing."
Posted by: J | February 6, 2006 2:36 PM
First, he spelled "Handelsman" on the rug in urine. Now this! What does it mean?
Posted by: Arthur | February 6, 2006 3:29 PM
"George Booth would have drawn this much better."
Posted by: Slide | February 6, 2006 3:32 PM
That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Even Michael Hedges (God rest his soul) couldn't play guitar like *that*!
Posted by: Rubrick | February 6, 2006 3:48 PM
Okay, it's a movie, three words, Christopher Guest... but is it Best in Show or A Mighty Wind? I'm so confused.
Posted by: Rubrick | February 6, 2006 4:06 PM
"Your boatneck sweater makes you look more gay than does my turtleneck sweater make me look like a '70s cocktail-party throwback."
"Oh, sure, but can he sublimate out of his clothing before a Senate subcommittee?"
"If only I'd know that this is the sort of shit we'd have to endure after the Rapture, I would have been more forceful in my denunciation of activist liberal judges."
Posted by: The Confidence Man | February 6, 2006 4:44 PM
We broke its elbows in ten places, but it can still only do the Y the M and the A. So now I am going to snap its head off with my bare hands.
Posted by: j-ha | February 6, 2006 6:47 PM
Sure, we tried to show our disappointment when Lucy skinned the dog and started dancing in its still-moist hide, but we were totally trying not to giggle. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff?
Posted by: j-ha | February 6, 2006 6:55 PM
For the moment, the insubstantial white void under our feet seems to be holding all of us up. But if the dog ever stops dancing...
Posted by: Walt | February 6, 2006 9:35 PM
Maybe if you pet him, he'll let you lick 'em too.
Posted by: Carmine Branagh | February 6, 2006 9:41 PM
Good one, Carmine. da.
Posted by: Michaela Dudakoff | February 6, 2006 9:42 PM
He sings just like Senator Akaka too!
Posted by: mmimika | February 6, 2006 9:43 PM
"Don't you want to sniff me....all over?"
Posted by: TLaemmle | February 7, 2006 12:30 AM
"this is the part of the hula where Queen Lili'uokalani welcomes us as liberators"
Posted by: mmimika | February 7, 2006 12:54 AM
Margaret, cross your legs. Their Polynesian Beagle has picked up your scent and has begun his elaborate courtship ritual.
Posted by: Spanner | February 7, 2006 2:05 AM
"Quite honestly, this is the only reliable way to shake out the centipedes that live in Brownie's vagina."
"Considering how rarely we entertain, I wish we'd devoted more time to teaching her not to shit in the house."
Posted by: Wolpaw | February 7, 2006 10:40 AM
"Oh sure, it's all very entertaining now, but just wait till the part where she demands the head of Marmaduke on a platter."
Posted by: Vance | February 7, 2006 2:17 PM
"Holy shit - am I seeing things... or is that dog actually juggling chainsaws???"
Posted by: Vance | February 7, 2006 2:20 PM
"Well, at least this is a welcome break from their interminable slide show. I don't think I could have sat still for one more shot of her blowing that dog."
Posted by: Vance | February 7, 2006 2:26 PM
"See our new neighbors be weird. See their dog Spot sidle coyly to some ethnomusicologist's idea of awesome toward Tina's bad place. Sidle, Spot, Sidle! Bad, Tina, bad!
See Spot pump his forelimbs. Pump, Spot pump!" *practice this and then move on to the next chapter 'Spot Pumps Tina'.*
Posted by: wasoe | February 7, 2006 2:26 PM
"This must have something to do with that xBox I've been hearing about."
Posted by: Zilchface | February 7, 2006 3:18 PM
"You look very good flexing your biceps, but the tutu still looks awfully queer."
Posted by: michael | February 7, 2006 3:22 PM
That's great. Bring out the Gimp.
Posted by: Nyx | February 7, 2006 3:25 PM
who let the dog(s) out?
Posted by: copyranter | February 8, 2006 11:03 AM
"A dog dancing to La Bamba? Now I have seen everything."
Posted by: copyranter | February 8, 2006 11:06 AM
"Here's to you, Fido--the next editor of New York Press!"
Posted by: David | February 8, 2006 11:31 AM
"He probably just smells your hula dancer."
Posted by: Francis | February 8, 2006 11:33 AM
"MahaLO!! That's one Don Ho! One Don 'Knott's Berry Farm' Ho! Get it....'Don Knotts' ho'?"
Posted by: wasoe | February 8, 2006 12:11 PM
"On the day that your mentaliteeeeeeeeeeeeeeee catches up with your biologeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."
Posted by: TLaemmle | February 8, 2006 1:02 PM
Someone get that dog a mohel.
Posted by: bryant | February 8, 2006 3:54 PM
"This would sound much better with tambourines."
"So fucking what? My poodle can do aerobics and sing 'Let's Get Physical' at the same time."
Posted by: mykull | February 8, 2006 4:25 PM
Pretty good act, but a bit stinky too. Look! There are visible odor marks emanating from its paws! Oh, those indicate motion? My mistake.
Posted by: Arthur | February 8, 2006 8:33 PM
"This behavior is a classic sign of threadworms. No doubt They've lodged in the brain and very possibly the heart muscle. By tomorrow the poor animal will be dead. What can we do but enjoy the show and pretend we don't know anything."
Posted by: danny | February 8, 2006 10:05 PM
I'm getting wood . . . that's not right.
Posted by: mcgurk | February 9, 2006 1:34 AM
"It's a cute idea and all, but I just don't think Dancing With the Stars' Dogs is going to pull in big ratings. Maybe you should try pitching it to Animal Planet."
Posted by: Jason | February 9, 2006 9:08 AM
"OH MY GOD! This IS the reincarnation of my dead fiance! Look at that booty dancing...oh yeah, its perfect. There's only one way to be sure though. I'll need a jar of peanut butter and 10 minutes alone with the dog."
Posted by: sir bogus | February 9, 2006 2:52 PM
"how much for a lap dance?"
Posted by: Lisa | February 10, 2006 2:48 PM
"Weird things like this have kept happening ever since I spurned the advances of Commander Riker."
Posted by: Johnny | February 10, 2006 2:49 PM
That Son of a Bitch
Posted by: 1 | February 10, 2006 2:49 PM
"you're right, a dancing dog IS a good replacement for all those goldfish we killed when we packed them in the luggage."
Posted by: pete | February 10, 2006 2:54 PM
Ow my roids are flaming up
Posted by: w | February 10, 2006 2:55 PM
"Nice pooper."
Posted by: mykull | February 10, 2006 4:40 PM
"Even if what you say is true, I'm still not convinced being able to dance and flex like that are worth drinking dog piss for."
Posted by: Rubrick | February 10, 2006 6:09 PM
Their jaws still dropped in awe, the Johnsons had yet to recover from the freestyle pop locking exhibit as the Petersons and their dog moved into the gentler rhythms of the hula routine.
Posted by: ben | February 10, 2006 7:26 PM
"He likes it when you clap. Stan and Rita, why don't you clap!"
Posted by: ben | February 10, 2006 7:29 PM
"With the nuts cut off we never would have known joy like this. Dogs just get lazy and mean without them."
Posted by: ben | February 10, 2006 7:30 PM
At that moment the Johnsons wanted the dog's nuts cuts off, the Petersons' nuts cut off, their own nuts cut off, the whole world's nuts cut off if only it would end their humiliation. Sadly, the nuts were not the problem, the solution not so simple.
Posted by: ben | February 10, 2006 7:35 PM
... off with the nuts ...
Posted by: ben | February 10, 2006 7:37 PM
The fuckin' pooch can groove.
Posted by: ben | February 10, 2006 7:38 PM
"Honey, the thompsons have already asked you twice to cross your legs."
Posted by: al gore is back | February 10, 2006 7:41 PM
"my pussy does tricks, too"
Posted by: daddy | February 10, 2006 7:42 PM
"They say his name is Sparky, but with moves like that they should have named him Commander Riker."
Posted by: picard | February 10, 2006 7:47 PM
"woof woof woof, at least this is better than the time that sonovabitch busted out the fiddle and made me two-step to The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Can I have a bone now?"
Posted by: angel | February 10, 2006 7:48 PM
That is one hot bitch.
Are worms communicable?
Posted by: joe | February 10, 2006 7:49 PM
You know, I really regret that I consented to be on that Trading Spouses show. At least MY wife wouldn't get all prudish and refuse to remove her skirt."
Posted by: yo | February 10, 2006 7:52 PM
Nice tits. All eight of them.
Posted by: bryan | February 10, 2006 7:53 PM
"I think I just pooped my pants."
Posted by: sir bogus | February 11, 2006 9:06 AM
"At least this is better than the time I got assaulted by a plethora of horrible poop smells at the trucker rest stop."
Posted by: sir bogus | February 11, 2006 9:08 AM
--"Wow. Have you noticed how much her hair looks like a brain sporting a mullet?"
--"So I guess you have to call it 'Smart on the top, ugly in the front, and party in the back'"
Posted by: sir bogus | February 11, 2006 9:12 AM
"As Dog is my witness, this so offends my religious sensibilities that I'm going into the kitchen to burn this place down."
Posted by: RichM | February 11, 2006 12:55 PM
"Forget the dancing...I'm talking for fuck's sake!"
Posted by: toothychum | February 11, 2006 11:19 PM
"Do we dare tell them that dogs aren't allowed in the Olympics...and hula dancing is not an Olympic sport?"
Posted by: randy felcher | February 11, 2006 11:23 PM
Did you get the Coke with the bad acid too, Jim?
Posted by: Mariann | February 12, 2006 3:51 AM
Hula: Doggie Style
Posted by: David Winger | February 12, 2006 3:57 AM
On this episode of Hawaii Five-0, Danno goes undercover.
Posted by: Mariann | February 12, 2006 3:59 AM
Fifi always does tropical dances when she's in heat.
Posted by: David Winger | February 12, 2006 4:02 AM
Charo has really let herself go.
Posted by: Mariann | February 12, 2006 4:09 AM
Sometimes Molly gets so excited she starts pirowetting.
Posted by: David Winger | February 12, 2006 4:09 AM
She's nowhere as impressive as the Peterson's hula dancing beagle.
Posted by: Mariann | February 12, 2006 4:20 AM
I don't know how to let them know - I'm not only allergic to dogs but also to grass.
Posted by: Mariann | February 12, 2006 4:29 AM
" She dances as if she had two left feet...by gosh...she does!"
Posted by: David Winger | February 12, 2006 4:32 AM
I don't mean to be judgmental, Bob...but technically, shouldn't you be playing a ukulele?
Posted by: Mariann | February 12, 2006 4:32 AM
Ya know, I'm not sure Letterman would classify this as a stupid pet or stupid human trick.
Posted by: Mariann | February 12, 2006 4:36 AM
"We taught her to beg...so she begged for dancing lessons!"
Posted by: David Winger | February 12, 2006 4:57 AM
"Oh God, we're part of The Aristocrats joke!"
Posted by: Eran Greenberg | February 12, 2006 10:03 AM
"Knock me over! When did petsploitation become de rigeur among the middle class?"
Posted by: danny | February 12, 2006 5:27 PM
"It's like our marriage, isn't it Linda....a sorry circus."
Posted by: celloplayer | February 12, 2006 10:30 PM
“This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S”
Damn! That dog can sing, but you should really consider clarifying your description on midlifeswingers.com, "Bitch in heat that loves bananas." However, I think we can work with it.
Posted by: erik | February 13, 2006 1:04 AM
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a secret North Korean cartoon captioning facility.
Posted by: K1613 | February 13, 2006 10:09 AM
No, no, we didn't say we couldn't train him. We can train him just fine, see? We just can't train him to stop sniffing crotches. And quite frankly, if I had my druthers, well, you know.
Posted by: Trout Almondine | February 13, 2006 12:54 PM
No one spoke for a moment as their guests looked on in amazement and revulsion, and the Petersons gazed at Mojo with loving pride. Yes, no one spoke, or even opened their mouths to do so. In fact, if the whole scene were caricatured and made the subject of a cartoon caption contest, it would be lamer than the lamest thing ever, because any quote could not be reliably attributed to any of the participants. It was that kind of moment.
Posted by: Trout Almondine | February 13, 2006 12:57 PM
This is our version of foreplay.
Posted by: ja | February 13, 2006 2:34 PM
This is what happens to barren women. They adopt dogs and pretend they are babies. Stupid dancing babies. The New Yorker hates barren women. We will no longer publish the following barren female writers: Alice Munro, Lorrie Moore.
Posted by: wendy | February 13, 2006 2:49 PM
"Well, if this isn't the whole shebang, I don't know what is."
Posted by: Rubrick | February 13, 2006 4:14 PM
"Psst...Honey, did she say that this act was called 'the Aristocats'?"
Posted by: YogaChickie | February 13, 2006 10:17 PM
Yes dog, we get it. We're all overweight and you're not. Christ, stop being such an asshole about it. At least, wer're human beings and have goddamn souls. … No, I'm not sorry I said it either. "All Dogs Go To Heaven?" What a crock. Enjoy being dead at age 10.
Posted by: Carl | February 14, 2006 2:02 AM
My God, he'd be lethal if he had opposable thumbs.
Posted by: Mariann | February 14, 2006 3:39 AM
I hate to admit it, Betty, but he does look better in the grass skirt than you do.
Posted by: Mariann | February 14, 2006 3:40 AM
"That is some of the worst guitar playing I've ever heard."
Posted by: YogaChickie | February 14, 2006 8:57 AM
"'Move Ya Bod-deeeah'! Yeah! This is the real deal,Moira. Be a good girl and get a hold of Dick in L.A.and tell'm we gotta ourselves the next Shakira, Mariah, Madonna, Bjork --whatever...."
Posted by: wasoe | February 14, 2006 9:19 AM
Usually dogs are quadrupeds.
Posted by: bryant | February 14, 2006 9:25 AM
The complexity of this situation would seem to indicate not the randomness of natural selection, but the guiding hand of an intelligent designer.
Posted by: bryant | February 14, 2006 9:33 AM
"Well I thought you said Westminster Dog Show, not Wes and Mindy's Dog Show."
Posted by: dave s | February 14, 2006 10:01 AM
"I disagree, I think Madonna is not as cut, OR pretty."
Posted by: dave s | February 14, 2006 10:04 AM
"Lorna, I think he wants you to dance with him. You're going to turn him down, I hope."
Posted by: dave s | February 14, 2006 10:09 AM
"This reminds me of that book. You know, the one with Jesus and Onan and Snoopy."
"Goddamned nouveaux riches and their goddamned flamencodoodles."
"The unsubtle anti-human strain in Gary Larson cartoons becomes anti-humanistic by dint of its egregious unsubtlety, bitch."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | February 14, 2006 11:04 AM
My sparkling dewdrop
Off of this mutt
I shall cut
the nuts
and plop them in
our
drinks
one for you
one for me
I love you
Posted by: ben | February 14, 2006 1:50 PM
This year's American Idol is perhaps the only thing that Simon and Paula can agree on hating, and the only one that truly deserves Randy's annoying, "Go Dawg!"
Posted by: The One and Only Amy | February 14, 2006 4:05 PM
"I am beginning to think I should never have mentioned the song 'My Humps,' dear."
Posted by: RichM | February 14, 2006 7:09 PM
"Heeyyyy, Macarena!"
Posted by: Hudson | February 15, 2006 1:27 AM
"I guess this is why we could get tickets."
Posted by: Slide | February 15, 2006 8:02 PM
"Actually when I said I wanted to see the bitch dance, I meant your wife."
“Yes, dancing dog, very impressive. It’s too bad our blind son will only be using the mutt to get around.”
"Can you believe she didn't win the dog show? Those guys wouldn’t know talent if it bit em in the ass. Not unlike the New Yorker Caption Contest staff."
"Okay, okay, we’ll donate to the cruelty to animals fund!! Now please, for the love of all things holy, make it stop!"
"Good stuff. It's a real shame they're putting her down this afternoon."
Posted by: Alan Harris | February 15, 2006 8:45 PM
"... and if you stick your leg out, he can do the Lambada"
"This is the entertaining aspect of testing cosmetics on animals."
Posted by: Daniel jeffery | February 16, 2006 2:23 PM
"God, we need new friends."
Posted by: Colleen W. | February 17, 2006 2:31 PM
"Well Martha, I didn't say it would be easy to tell your brother about your ovarian cancer..."
"If they'd honeymooned at Niagara Falls, would the dog be pissing on my leg?"
"The reviewers headline was 'Pearl Harbor revisited' because his hula act bombed."
Posted by: Josh | February 17, 2006 2:50 PM
the grass skirt covers the electrodes attached to his balls.
Posted by: pukebot | February 17, 2006 3:16 PM
(singing, not necessarily on key):
"Mice in white lab coats, squids in chef aprons, beagles in hula skirts, bulls as bar patrons....female packages tied up with snake...these are much better than chocolate cake. When the hmmm hmmm, when the hmm,hmmm,..? hmmmm,hmm hmm hmmm,hmmm,hmm,hmhm,hm,hmmm,
hmm,hmm,hmm,hmm,hmmm,..hmm hm don't feel so bad."
Posted by: cedric | February 17, 2006 5:22 PM
Marge, I believe that the introductory paragraph just broke the record for overuse of the phrase "click here"!
Posted by: Curious George | February 17, 2006 6:55 PM
Been there done that
Posted by: cary | February 18, 2006 12:23 PM
"I wish we had done tonight that which was our original plan, to go to the movies."
Posted by: Squidocto | February 19, 2006 12:12 PM
"I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged."
Posted by: John Tabin | February 19, 2006 2:52 PM
"Gabba-gabba-gabba woo-eee, it just got cuh-RAZY in here! Homina-blah-wooooo!"
Posted by: John Tabin | February 19, 2006 2:59 PM
You know, I was worried that putting the dog in a grass skirt and making it dance might just create a cheap laugh from the odd visual juxtaposition and detract from the serious artistic endeavor I had planned, but in fact, that seems not to be the case. There's certainly nothing funny about this.
Posted by: Carl | February 19, 2006 9:57 PM
" Good God, Jan. Hurry up and strangle that thing!"
Posted by: Robbo | May 19, 2006 12:38 AM
"Does the tail vibrate too?"
Posted by: Robbo | May 19, 2006 12:42 AM
"This act has legs....I won't say whose !"
Posted by: Sam L. | April 12, 2008 3:36 PM