The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #74
Readers chose the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details.
Winner: "As you can see, the living room is very roomy, although it needs new carpet. Oh, I see the previous tenant left a small plant on the floor. I'd better pick it up before it falls over." —Francis
Comments
"This is our Strategy In Iraq Suite. It's just like the Quicksand Suite, except it costs twelve million dollars a night."
Posted by: David John | November 6, 2006 6:12 PM
No, that twitching is just a reflex. He ran out of oxygen hours ago.
Posted by: Dashiell | November 6, 2006 6:12 PM
"I was never really a fan of modern art."
"Wow, this is the first one I've seen who can wiggle his hand."
"Listen pussycat, smile a bit."
Posted by: Hookah | November 6, 2006 6:13 PM
You'll be working with the Hamburger Helper mascot in laying down tile for our new office space.
Posted by: David John | November 6, 2006 6:21 PM
"We're about to head over to Jake's for some sandwiches. You wanna come?"
Posted by: Rubrick | November 6, 2006 6:37 PM
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Posted by: MarkP | November 6, 2006 7:04 PM
"As you can see, the living room is very roomy, although it needs new carpet. Oh, I see the previous tenant left a small plant on the floor. I'd better pick it up before it falls over."
Posted by: Francis | November 6, 2006 7:06 PM
As you can see, cloning has proved a success. However, the project to employ stem cells in order to grow a dismembered hand that continuously and accurately engages the star trek greeting, still needs to be improved.
Posted by: n | November 6, 2006 7:59 PM
There's my other hand! I was wondering where that thing went!
Posted by: n | November 6, 2006 8:06 PM
"At least it's friendly today. Yesterday it flipped me off."
"Four syllables? Sounds like what? Sorry, I'm just not getting this."
Posted by: Deborah | November 6, 2006 8:14 PM
"Sorry, wrong office."
Posted by: Deborah | November 6, 2006 8:17 PM
Quick, how many fingers?
Posted by: 99 | November 6, 2006 9:01 PM
"Let's rent 'Carrie' tonight."
"I think we found our triplet brother."
"For this room's carpet we chose a deeper pile."
Posted by: LV | November 6, 2006 9:17 PM
"I think you'll find your new job here at the law offices of Indian, Burial, and Ground, very fulfilling."
Posted by: David John | November 6, 2006 9:28 PM
I could have sworn I heard knocking from in here, but clearly that would be ridiculous.
Posted by: Amy | November 6, 2006 10:22 PM
Like sands through the hourglass...so are the days of our dismembered partners.
Posted by: Amy | November 6, 2006 10:25 PM
"OK, here you go, plenty of room to flop down on the floor and get a good nights... Oh, great! He wasn't supposed to do that till you were asleep."
"Anybody know why there's an eraser on the window sill? Anybody? Yes, you there buried under the three tons of dirt..."
"Yes, I realize that, Mr. Haggard, but this was about as good as I could get for the amount you were willing to pay."
"Awwww, look at 'im. Seems like only yesterday he was an enormous hand that could barely fit in the doorway, and now..."
"I have a very bad feeling about this."
Posted by: Vance | November 6, 2006 11:18 PM
As you can see, over a year after the failure of the levees many buildings in New Orleans are still uninhabitable due to flood damage.
Posted by: Patrick Broderick | November 7, 2006 12:33 AM
"I bet I could get that candy bar in the window if I jump on his hand."
Posted by: Francis | November 7, 2006 12:42 AM
unfortunately,sir, the wicked witch of the east has rent control and the carpet is super absorbent.
Posted by: n | November 7, 2006 1:29 AM
"There's something wrong with this room. The doorway is tilted."
"If you lie down right there he'll give you a hand job, no questions asked."
"It's such a shame. He doesn't even appreciate the view of downtown."
(I like Amy's knocking one).
Posted by: anno-nymous | November 7, 2006 5:53 AM
"You better call the people who are in charge of collecting remains from the World Trade Center disaster."
Posted by: RichM | November 7, 2006 6:26 AM
Two brothers, wearing similar suits, and both with noses visibly on the left hand side of their faces, have opened a door. Inside the room, a hand protrudes from the floor.
The man on the left (right of picture) appears to have his right eye stuck to the side of his face. It is interesting to speculate as to how the artist missed this.
The picture invites us to speculate as to whether the brothers have been using mind-altering substances (e.g. are they imagining the hand?). This is suggested by the fact that the lines are not drawn straight (thus representing a literal 'bending' of reality), and the extreme unlikeliness of a room being made of quicksand (the fact that someone has sunk in the quicksand is not, stricto sensu, unrealistic if one accepts the premise that the room is made of quicksand).
Posted by: Simon H | November 7, 2006 8:24 AM
No, it wasn't the urine from his pissing his name on the floor that made the quicksand. It was the high-pressure water pump I installed in the sub-basement.
'A room, a hand, a sand, DNA, sad 'n' aha! moor a?' What the fuck kind of palindrome is that?
Posted by: Walt | November 7, 2006 9:00 AM
We had several hours warning that terrorists will collapse this tower by crashing jetliners into it. So we've seized the opportunity to get a jump on the process, by proactively reducing the contents of our office to gray dust and severed body parts.
Posted by: going to hell for this one | November 7, 2006 9:15 AM
"I call it 'Thing in Sandbox.' Now, if you will proceed with me down the hall, I'll show you my next installation art piece."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | November 7, 2006 10:15 AM
"Hey, Larry - I just got glasses, so now finally you can tell us apart. Larry? Larry?"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | November 7, 2006 10:17 AM
"Well Tracy thinks he was trying to go as Phil Carter, on account of how Phil's way in over his head on that Miami deal, but it seems like a long way to go when all you'd have to do to be Phil is wear red socks and one of those stupid Beatles ties. Too bad. Helluva an office party, though."
Posted by: Kevin G | November 7, 2006 10:20 AM
Yeah, Walter is going to be pissed, but with rents what they are in SoHo these days, are you surprised?
Posted by: 99 | November 7, 2006 10:26 AM
"Who wants a trowel?"
"This office always reminds me of an episode of That's Incredible. Mostly because Fran Tarkenton's buried in it."
"I know what I should do -- help him -- and yet I find myself paralyzed. Is it fear? Incompetence? Or just fascination? You know he's my best friend?"
"Damn it! We've lost twelve good men and still that raffle ticket taunts us from the windowsill."
"He makes it look so easy, dying I mean."
"It's a jungle in here!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 7, 2006 10:36 AM
"Well, that's a leather glove, not a silk one, so I don't think this was actually the work of the Phantom, but rather a copycat. Also, the Phantom stole expensive jewels, not cheap office furniture. But regardless of who the theif was, you have to admire the way he smuggled all your stuff out without anyone noticing."
Posted by: Jesse | November 7, 2006 10:43 AM
"My sign language is a little rusty, but I believe he's asking us for kelp."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 7, 2006 10:46 AM
"OK, let's get back to NRCC headquarters. We've got more voters to disenfranchise."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 7, 2006 10:55 AM
"And this is accounting."
Posted by: npm | November 7, 2006 11:09 AM
"You say drowning, I say waving. Whatever. Let's go."
Posted by: Vance | November 7, 2006 11:50 AM
That's a weird fuckin thumb.
Posted by: neb | November 7, 2006 12:06 PM
"modern concrete mixtures have eliminated all of my tell-tell heart problems."
Posted by: michael | November 7, 2006 12:09 PM
I'm just going to pretend like I didn't see anything.
Me too.
Posted by: neb | November 7, 2006 12:11 PM
That just about concludes your first day on the job tour of Halliburton. Oh, yeah, that's Mr. Whittington. He invented a revolutionary process for the burning of fossil fuels, so that even SUV's could get up to 70 miles a gallon . . . te-hee-hee!
Posted by: David John | November 7, 2006 12:34 PM
I guess the only way it could be worse is if before he showed up they would have force-gorged about 20 cats on Fancy Feast and then locked them in the room until they shit and scratched over every inch.
Yeah, litterbox beats sandbox.
Mine likes Gourmet Chicken and Giblets Pate.
You ever tried it?
No way.
I think it looks OK, if you're ever in a pinch or something.
Yeah.
Posted by: neb | November 7, 2006 12:37 PM
"Believe it or not, some members of the original Hell House committee didn't want a room dedicated to auto-erotic asphyxiation."
Posted by: Kevin G | November 7, 2006 1:53 PM
"Well, you gotta hand it to him..."
"Let me get this straight: he rented the apartment below his, removed the floor, filled it up with mud or some crap and now he wants our help getting out of it? God, I hate him."
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | November 7, 2006 2:10 PM
"Welcome to the New Yorker, Tom. You'll be working in Charles Addams' old office."
"So you see, there's some sand that's completely gummed up the Vice President's water table. We'd all be grateful if you could help us clean it out - especially Sergeant Johnson there."
"Here at Acme Sand and Gravel, we really throw ourselves into our work. Now I'd like you to meet Sally Connors, our head of research and development."
Posted by: gary | November 7, 2006 3:01 PM
That's handy!
Posted by: David Feige | November 7, 2006 3:04 PM
"We had better find our way out of Ann Coulter's vagina before that happens to us."
Posted by: J.D. | November 7, 2006 3:34 PM
Oops, I think he was actually waving at you. Now I just feel silly for waving back.
I hate when that happens.
Posted by: Amy | November 7, 2006 4:13 PM
This is the only room they would rent to Mormon twins.
Posted by: Span | November 7, 2006 4:41 PM
After the lumpy carpet was laid, Smithers disappeared. I guess they thought it would hide the act but look at this nasty turn of events.
Posted by: SK | November 7, 2006 6:15 PM
He will grab your balls if you get too close so I usually don't hang around to enjoy the luxurious texture of the carpet... I just grab the remote and run. That is, unless you want your balls grabbed.
Posted by: SK | November 7, 2006 6:25 PM
Hey!... "Bee-eye-bye...bee-eye-bay...bee-eye-bicky-bye..." He used to answer "Eye-oh-you"....but ever since the carpet was laid, he's not the same. Do you think "Mares eat oats" might bring him around?
Posted by: SK | November 7, 2006 6:34 PM
He wanted to hear "Freebird" before he went under, but all I had was the studio version.
So I let him die.
Posted by: Joe Postove | November 7, 2006 6:50 PM
They say he has grit. I wanted a man with grit.
Posted by: Dex | November 7, 2006 8:01 PM
There was a time this would have slowly eaten away at my soul. But this godforsaken shithole owns me and my shriveled, hollow heart for all eternity.
Posted by: SK | November 7, 2006 9:26 PM
Yup, but no higher than "five." It's always "five people" or "four burgers" or "two dollars." He'll never get out of Accounting.
Posted by: SK | November 7, 2006 9:37 PM
"Tch! See, Jenkins, I told you not to press the "Dirty" button on the giant movie screen. But did you listen? Noooooo..."
Posted by: Vance | November 7, 2006 10:22 PM
"We give depraved indifference a bad name."
Posted by: J.D. | November 8, 2006 1:29 AM
"Oh, that's just Dotson Gerber. He comes up every year."
Posted by: Deborah | November 8, 2006 7:18 AM
Water-boarding was so much easier. I can't understand a word he is saying!
Posted by: charles | November 8, 2006 9:44 AM
Yes, Brian Wilson is working on a new album....yes, the room at the old house was larger....yes, he ordered the same amount of sand.
Posted by: Greg | November 8, 2006 11:04 AM
"'Handjob Shag' looked more stylish in the catalog."
Posted by: Pandyora | November 8, 2006 12:02 PM
"Oh, that? That's just the current state of the neocon agenda. Plus, a hand."
Posted by: Vance | November 8, 2006 12:54 PM
"It's broccoli, dear. Either that, or a rather imposing French tickler."
Posted by: J.D. | November 8, 2006 1:37 PM
"No, wallpaper."
Posted by: Lawrence A. Herman | November 8, 2006 1:38 PM
"Talk to the hand."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 8, 2006 2:12 PM
"Maybe we should change it. 'Morass Room' is a bit misleading."
Posted by: murph | November 8, 2006 2:52 PM
"That's David Bowie. He's dying of irony. You know, because of that song 'Quicksand'. On Hunky Dory. 'I'm sinking in the quicksand of my thoughts...' I've actually always liked Hunky Dory better than Ziggy Stardust. Hm, is irony the right word? I don't want to pull an Alanis here."
Posted by: Rubrick | November 8, 2006 3:05 PM
I'll bet he wishes it was even quicker sand.
Posted by: Amy | November 8, 2006 4:33 PM
I'm starting to wish I hadn't taken so many pills at the "Dance in Business Suits"-themed rave that we've just returned from.
Posted by: John Tabin | November 8, 2006 5:35 PM
Despite a strong performance by Shelley Long (front), "The Money Pit 2" failed to achieve the critical and commercial success of the original.
Posted by: mypalmike | November 8, 2006 11:44 PM
"You can't go overboard
putting out electrical fires."
Posted by: Greg | November 9, 2006 12:51 PM
"Clean up can be a problem for the obsessive whittler."
Posted by: greg | November 9, 2006 12:55 PM
"Only a week ago you could see both arms!"
Posted by: Greg | November 9, 2006 12:58 PM
"Now think again...why in the world would you use this for your weight room?"
Posted by: greg | November 9, 2006 1:03 PM
I am so jealous -- we languish in cubicles while this lucky bastard gets an office with a window!
Posted by: Arthur | November 9, 2006 3:07 PM
"That's odd. When I left here 2 minutes ago, there were 2 hands sticking out."
"Boy, if Watkins weren't here I'd totally use my spidey power."
Posted by: Joe | November 9, 2006 5:35 PM
"Johnson, an excellent fellow... always reaching out to others."
"Well, 'hello there' to you, too."
Posted by: danny | November 9, 2006 7:02 PM
"If we don't do something, he's gonna die."
Posted by: David John | November 9, 2006 8:41 PM
"Looks like those bones I planted are finally starting to grow!"
Posted by: Francis | November 9, 2006 11:43 PM
"Looks like the dump took him."
Posted by: danny | November 10, 2006 11:09 AM
"Bet he wishes he were Defense Secretary still."
Posted by: RichM | November 10, 2006 11:40 AM
Can't take credit for this one... but Gary Larson once called this 'The LaBrea Carpets'
Posted by: David W | November 10, 2006 3:05 PM
If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that person is still alive.
Posted by: Dave | November 10, 2006 3:45 PM
"Our work here at the plant is secret, yet we are under orders to report anything unusual. And there have been rumors..."
Posted by: danny | November 10, 2006 4:19 PM
"That's a left hand, isn't it? How sinister."
Posted by: danny | November 10, 2006 4:20 PM
"Never hire the Amish."
Posted by: danny | November 10, 2006 4:20 PM
"Perhaps we should lend this fellow a hand. Get it? 'Cause we can see only one of them? And he's dying? God damn, I'm good."
"Aloha, Mr. Hand."
"Oh sweet Jesus, what is that, Thing?"
"... and here is the non-executive washroom."
Posted by: Tim C. | November 11, 2006 12:38 AM
"I thought 'the bogs' for restroom was just a cute Britishism. I must book a flight for home tout de suite."
Posted by: J.D. | November 11, 2006 12:41 AM
1. "The coffee machine is not in this room."
2. "How gauche."
3. "This picture was drawn by P. C. Vey."
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | November 11, 2006 10:28 AM
"Oh, there's the problem. He used P. C. Vey instead of PVC."
Posted by: Vance | November 12, 2006 12:41 AM
"My acromegaly is killing me."
Posted by: J.D. | November 12, 2006 2:39 AM
Jen refused to get an abortion so I just installed a 'quick' sand box.
Posted by: Jesus | November 12, 2006 11:12 AM
Ignore the last one, here's and edit:
Jen refused to get an abortion so I just installed a 'quick' sand box for the kids.
Posted by: Jesus | November 12, 2006 11:13 AM
And this is our resident 'drama queen.'
Looks like I'm going to have to go yell at H.R. again for their continued incompetence.
So this is the 'before' version. The 'after' version, which I'm showing you next, features an Aeron chair, multi-line phone with caller ID, a masseuse, and a hand that minds its own business.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 12, 2006 11:37 AM
"Hey, let me get out my cameraphone - I am so blogging this."
Posted by: RichM | November 12, 2006 1:25 PM
"I'm sorry, but I'll have to pass. Yes, the three most important things in real estate are 'location, location, location', but for me, number four is 'no guy drowning in quicksand in the middle of your floor'."
Posted by: Tim C. | November 12, 2006 2:31 PM
I can't decide whether he is waving 'hello!' or motioning for 'help to save his life!' What's your take?
Posted by: nk@yahoo.com | November 12, 2006 7:20 PM
"...and this is the office Gottlieb gave to Thing after Charles Addams kicked the proverbial bucket."
"Unzip your fly and kneel over it. Best you'll ever have."
Posted by: David | November 12, 2006 8:15 PM
I'm the 'anonymous'...
Posted by: Michael | November 13, 2006 9:43 PM
first wives are a bitch.
you're telling me?
Posted by: ella | November 19, 2006 11:11 PM
Its a lovely space but there may be a problem with the feng shui.
Posted by: nydoc | November 27, 2006 4:41 AM