November 6, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #74

Readers chose the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details.


Winner: "As you can see, the living room is very roomy, although it needs new carpet. Oh, I see the previous tenant left a small plant on the floor. I'd better pick it up before it falls over." —Francis

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"This is our Strategy In Iraq Suite. It's just like the Quicksand Suite, except it costs twelve million dollars a night."

No, that twitching is just a reflex. He ran out of oxygen hours ago.

"I was never really a fan of modern art."

"Wow, this is the first one I've seen who can wiggle his hand."

"Listen pussycat, smile a bit."

You'll be working with the Hamburger Helper mascot in laying down tile for our new office space.

"We're about to head over to Jake's for some sandwiches. You wanna come?"

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"As you can see, the living room is very roomy, although it needs new carpet. Oh, I see the previous tenant left a small plant on the floor. I'd better pick it up before it falls over."

As you can see, cloning has proved a success. However, the project to employ stem cells in order to grow a dismembered hand that continuously and accurately engages the star trek greeting, still needs to be improved.

There's my other hand! I was wondering where that thing went!

"At least it's friendly today. Yesterday it flipped me off."

"Four syllables? Sounds like what? Sorry, I'm just not getting this."

"Sorry, wrong office."

Quick, how many fingers?

"Let's rent 'Carrie' tonight."

"I think we found our triplet brother."

"For this room's carpet we chose a deeper pile."

"I think you'll find your new job here at the law offices of Indian, Burial, and Ground, very fulfilling."

I could have sworn I heard knocking from in here, but clearly that would be ridiculous.

Like sands through the hourglass...so are the days of our dismembered partners.

"OK, here you go, plenty of room to flop down on the floor and get a good nights... Oh, great! He wasn't supposed to do that till you were asleep."

"Anybody know why there's an eraser on the window sill? Anybody? Yes, you there buried under the three tons of dirt..."

"Yes, I realize that, Mr. Haggard, but this was about as good as I could get for the amount you were willing to pay."

"Awwww, look at 'im. Seems like only yesterday he was an enormous hand that could barely fit in the doorway, and now..."

"I have a very bad feeling about this."

As you can see, over a year after the failure of the levees many buildings in New Orleans are still uninhabitable due to flood damage.

"I bet I could get that candy bar in the window if I jump on his hand."

unfortunately,sir, the wicked witch of the east has rent control and the carpet is super absorbent.

"There's something wrong with this room. The doorway is tilted."

"If you lie down right there he'll give you a hand job, no questions asked."

"It's such a shame. He doesn't even appreciate the view of downtown."

(I like Amy's knocking one).

"You better call the people who are in charge of collecting remains from the World Trade Center disaster."

Two brothers, wearing similar suits, and both with noses visibly on the left hand side of their faces, have opened a door. Inside the room, a hand protrudes from the floor.

The man on the left (right of picture) appears to have his right eye stuck to the side of his face. It is interesting to speculate as to how the artist missed this.

The picture invites us to speculate as to whether the brothers have been using mind-altering substances (e.g. are they imagining the hand?). This is suggested by the fact that the lines are not drawn straight (thus representing a literal 'bending' of reality), and the extreme unlikeliness of a room being made of quicksand (the fact that someone has sunk in the quicksand is not, stricto sensu, unrealistic if one accepts the premise that the room is made of quicksand).

No, it wasn't the urine from his pissing his name on the floor that made the quicksand. It was the high-pressure water pump I installed in the sub-basement.

'A room, a hand, a sand, DNA, sad 'n' aha! moor a?' What the fuck kind of palindrome is that?

We had several hours warning that terrorists will collapse this tower by crashing jetliners into it. So we've seized the opportunity to get a jump on the process, by proactively reducing the contents of our office to gray dust and severed body parts.

"I call it 'Thing in Sandbox.' Now, if you will proceed with me down the hall, I'll show you my next installation art piece."

"Hey, Larry - I just got glasses, so now finally you can tell us apart. Larry? Larry?"

"Well Tracy thinks he was trying to go as Phil Carter, on account of how Phil's way in over his head on that Miami deal, but it seems like a long way to go when all you'd have to do to be Phil is wear red socks and one of those stupid Beatles ties. Too bad. Helluva an office party, though."

Yeah, Walter is going to be pissed, but with rents what they are in SoHo these days, are you surprised?

"Who wants a trowel?"

"This office always reminds me of an episode of That's Incredible. Mostly because Fran Tarkenton's buried in it."

"I know what I should do -- help him -- and yet I find myself paralyzed. Is it fear? Incompetence? Or just fascination? You know he's my best friend?"

"Damn it! We've lost twelve good men and still that raffle ticket taunts us from the windowsill."

"He makes it look so easy, dying I mean."

"It's a jungle in here!"

"Well, that's a leather glove, not a silk one, so I don't think this was actually the work of the Phantom, but rather a copycat. Also, the Phantom stole expensive jewels, not cheap office furniture. But regardless of who the theif was, you have to admire the way he smuggled all your stuff out without anyone noticing."

"My sign language is a little rusty, but I believe he's asking us for kelp."

"OK, let's get back to NRCC headquarters. We've got more voters to disenfranchise."

"And this is accounting."

"You say drowning, I say waving. Whatever. Let's go."

That's a weird fuckin thumb.

"modern concrete mixtures have eliminated all of my tell-tell heart problems."

I'm just going to pretend like I didn't see anything.

Me too.

That just about concludes your first day on the job tour of Halliburton. Oh, yeah, that's Mr. Whittington. He invented a revolutionary process for the burning of fossil fuels, so that even SUV's could get up to 70 miles a gallon . . . te-hee-hee!

I guess the only way it could be worse is if before he showed up they would have force-gorged about 20 cats on Fancy Feast and then locked them in the room until they shit and scratched over every inch.

Yeah, litterbox beats sandbox.

Mine likes Gourmet Chicken and Giblets Pate.

You ever tried it?

No way.

I think it looks OK, if you're ever in a pinch or something.


"Believe it or not, some members of the original Hell House committee didn't want a room dedicated to auto-erotic asphyxiation."

"Well, you gotta hand it to him..."

"Let me get this straight: he rented the apartment below his, removed the floor, filled it up with mud or some crap and now he wants our help getting out of it? God, I hate him."

"Welcome to the New Yorker, Tom. You'll be working in Charles Addams' old office."

"So you see, there's some sand that's completely gummed up the Vice President's water table. We'd all be grateful if you could help us clean it out - especially Sergeant Johnson there."

"Here at Acme Sand and Gravel, we really throw ourselves into our work. Now I'd like you to meet Sally Connors, our head of research and development."

That's handy!

"We had better find our way out of Ann Coulter's vagina before that happens to us."

Oops, I think he was actually waving at you. Now I just feel silly for waving back.
I hate when that happens.

This is the only room they would rent to Mormon twins.

After the lumpy carpet was laid, Smithers disappeared. I guess they thought it would hide the act but look at this nasty turn of events.

He will grab your balls if you get too close so I usually don't hang around to enjoy the luxurious texture of the carpet... I just grab the remote and run. That is, unless you want your balls grabbed.

Hey!... "Bee-eye-bye...bee-eye-bay...bee-eye-bicky-bye..." He used to answer "Eye-oh-you"....but ever since the carpet was laid, he's not the same. Do you think "Mares eat oats" might bring him around?

He wanted to hear "Freebird" before he went under, but all I had was the studio version.

So I let him die.

They say he has grit. I wanted a man with grit.

There was a time this would have slowly eaten away at my soul. But this godforsaken shithole owns me and my shriveled, hollow heart for all eternity.

Yup, but no higher than "five." It's always "five people" or "four burgers" or "two dollars." He'll never get out of Accounting.

"Tch! See, Jenkins, I told you not to press the "Dirty" button on the giant movie screen. But did you listen? Noooooo..."

"We give depraved indifference a bad name."

"Oh, that's just Dotson Gerber. He comes up every year."

Water-boarding was so much easier. I can't understand a word he is saying!

Yes, Brian Wilson is working on a new album....yes, the room at the old house was larger....yes, he ordered the same amount of sand.

"'Handjob Shag' looked more stylish in the catalog."

"Oh, that? That's just the current state of the neocon agenda. Plus, a hand."

"It's broccoli, dear. Either that, or a rather imposing French tickler."

"No, wallpaper."

"Talk to the hand."

"Maybe we should change it. 'Morass Room' is a bit misleading."

"That's David Bowie. He's dying of irony. You know, because of that song 'Quicksand'. On Hunky Dory. 'I'm sinking in the quicksand of my thoughts...' I've actually always liked Hunky Dory better than Ziggy Stardust. Hm, is irony the right word? I don't want to pull an Alanis here."

I'll bet he wishes it was even quicker sand.

I'm starting to wish I hadn't taken so many pills at the "Dance in Business Suits"-themed rave that we've just returned from.

Despite a strong performance by Shelley Long (front), "The Money Pit 2" failed to achieve the critical and commercial success of the original.

"You can't go overboard
putting out electrical fires."

"Clean up can be a problem for the obsessive whittler."

"Only a week ago you could see both arms!"

"Now think again...why in the world would you use this for your weight room?"

I am so jealous -- we languish in cubicles while this lucky bastard gets an office with a window!

"That's odd. When I left here 2 minutes ago, there were 2 hands sticking out."

"Boy, if Watkins weren't here I'd totally use my spidey power."

"Johnson, an excellent fellow... always reaching out to others."

"Well, 'hello there' to you, too."

"If we don't do something, he's gonna die."

"Looks like those bones I planted are finally starting to grow!"

"Looks like the dump took him."

"Bet he wishes he were Defense Secretary still."

Can't take credit for this one... but Gary Larson once called this 'The LaBrea Carpets'

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that person is still alive.

"Our work here at the plant is secret, yet we are under orders to report anything unusual. And there have been rumors..."

"That's a left hand, isn't it? How sinister."

"Never hire the Amish."

"Perhaps we should lend this fellow a hand. Get it? 'Cause we can see only one of them? And he's dying? God damn, I'm good."

"Aloha, Mr. Hand."

"Oh sweet Jesus, what is that, Thing?"

"... and here is the non-executive washroom."

"I thought 'the bogs' for restroom was just a cute Britishism. I must book a flight for home tout de suite."

1. "The coffee machine is not in this room."

2. "How gauche."

3. "This picture was drawn by P. C. Vey."

"Oh, there's the problem. He used P. C. Vey instead of PVC."

"My acromegaly is killing me."

Jen refused to get an abortion so I just installed a 'quick' sand box.

Ignore the last one, here's and edit:

Jen refused to get an abortion so I just installed a 'quick' sand box for the kids.

And this is our resident 'drama queen.'

Looks like I'm going to have to go yell at H.R. again for their continued incompetence.

So this is the 'before' version. The 'after' version, which I'm showing you next, features an Aeron chair, multi-line phone with caller ID, a masseuse, and a hand that minds its own business.

"Hey, let me get out my cameraphone - I am so blogging this."

"I'm sorry, but I'll have to pass. Yes, the three most important things in real estate are 'location, location, location', but for me, number four is 'no guy drowning in quicksand in the middle of your floor'."

I can't decide whether he is waving 'hello!' or motioning for 'help to save his life!' What's your take?

"...and this is the office Gottlieb gave to Thing after Charles Addams kicked the proverbial bucket."

"Unzip your fly and kneel over it. Best you'll ever have."

I'm the 'anonymous'...

first wives are a bitch.

you're telling me?

Its a lovely space but there may be a problem with the feng shui.

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