October 23, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #72

That's right, TNYerCA-CC is back, and it's better than evah. For starters, you're gonna get to vote for the winner, just like in the real thing. For the new rules, and a simplified explanation of what makes a good anti-caption, click here.


"Be careful, Lewis — if you fall, your son will have to grow up without a father!" —John Tabin

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Wait, make that *three* lattes."

"I would have worn a tie clip if I were you. Seems to me that having your tie just flap flap flapping in the wind would be likely to throw you off balance and cause you to plummet to your doom. But hopefully it won't. Good luck."

When I said "where the sun don't shine" I didn't mean the shadow of that building over there.

"It sure is a lovely day to walk between the towers, Bill... Say, does that plane look like it's coming in a little low, to you?"

There you are. Did you turn off your Blackberry?

Christ, what an asshole! No, not you, Jenkins. The only socially acceptable way for me to alleviate my Tourette's Syndrome is to shout out this window. By the way, I love to watch you walking away, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

When you finish walking the thin line of intern subservience, your next challenge will be to climb the corporate ladder. But you've got spunk kid...most people don't make it past the challenge of ass kissing [wink].

"I'm sorry to make you do this, Jenkins, but as you can infer from the position of the window below me, I have no legs."

"Honestly, walking a tightrope between these two buildings is difficult enough -- why do it backwards?"

"And if you make it, you get to keep your job at NBC."

"'Why are you making me walk this tightrope?' 'Hey, is that a giant Japanese rice-paper screen over there where a building should be?' Christ, for a temp you sure do ask a lot of questions."

"Y'know, as successful as Wallenda & Wallenda LLC has been, I feel like we've strayed from our roots."

I just spoke to legal, and it turns out we're not actually allowed to put the new employees through these sorts of hazing rituals. So come back inside and I'll show you where your cubicle is.

You're holding it wrong. Way wrong.

When you get back, be sure to wash the windows. They're covered in unsightly streaks.

"You forgot your jacket."

"Remember last week when I said 'I have to fire someone, so you'd better do something to get my attention?' Well, pack up your things. Perkins sacrificed the body of his infant daughter on my desk like it was some kind of pagan alter, and you're just not gonna top that."

"Whatever you do, don't look down. Although, if you were the sort of person to heed others' advice, I can't imagine you'd be doing this in the first place."

"Very impressive, Mr. Vayner. We're still not going to hire you."

Hey, there's a guy on a tightrope outside. I wonder if it's that David Blaine guy.

"Fitzsimmons, stop walking along the edge of that adjoining building that has a facade painted to make it seem as if you can see the buildings behind it, including the corner of this one, and get back to work!"

"All right, you've proven that your tiny suction cups can sustain weights in excess of 150 pounds. Normally I don't appreciate the hard sell, but put me down for a gross."

"Is this some sort of promotion for HBO's 'The Wire'?"

"His name is Whiskers. He ususally comes in when I shake the catfood box, but he doesn't seem to want to come in today. Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it."

"Yes, go tell him that we're on for four o'clock. I guess I could call him, but I've never liked the phone. Too impersonal."

You know the rules: across in 30 seconds and you get one night with Commander Riker. I have to go, I'm needed on the bridge.

"I don't know what's creepier - your walking this tightrope or those normally invisible 'motion lines' at each end of King Kong's swizzle stick fully in view."

"That's right, punk: your quest to scratch your signature beneath every window in this building has officially come to an end."

"This would make a really great metaphor for something or other."

"I'd be much more impressed if we were higher up than the second floor."

"Well, I hope you're happy. We're going to have to postpone the limbo contest until you get back."

(I'm still laughing over J's towers cap.)

You've GOT to be the first guy to use a vibrating pole for this kind of stunt. I'll call Ripley's.

Chief says "working without a net" was just a turn of phrase.

Uh, the rest of us decided to just join the gym on 7.

You forgot the scales of justice! And you call yourself a lawyer.

I'll be locking this window now.

"Hey, everyone in West Coast Creative Marketing just got sacked, do you still want Harlin's aeron chair or can I have it?"

"While not technically in breach of contract this little stunt certainly won't win you any points during litigation, Steven Weber."

"Do want a net or can I go home?"

"For the love of god, listen to me! If you think this is going to end up on Youtube you're fucking crazy...did you hear me? NOBODY IS TAPING YOU!" Nobody!

"Wait! Can I move my car first?"

It's your wife. Should I take a message?

You can wash my windows any day!

Can you hear it? Tom Petty's "Freefalling" is on right now! Perkins is calling in "Wind Beneath My Wings" as I speak.

On second thought, I'll take the pole as well.

Come back. They are business casual over there.

I'd like to renegotiate my salary.

I shouldn't do this ... but then you probably shouldn't have fucked my wife.

"Man, if I had known the Vice President was going to be such a pain in the ass with his 5th-floor graffiti, I would have picked a less exotic graffiti-removal solution. Anyway, turn around slowly, and start lowering... the giant... eraser..."

"Be careful."

"Do you want that raise or not?"

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Be like me: don't let the wind affect you"

"Ok, sit tight. I'll go get the scissors."

That's the last time you'll use my name and pole in the same sentence.

Of course I didn't really mean it, Johnson, but let's not fool ourselves -- your display of exhibitionism in the window encouraged that lewd comment about your "pole." Anyway, you could have just used the stairs since you decided to come in and put your clothes back on first.

Cirque de Soleil Presents "Salagadunga: Human Resources"

With this window left open, I could catch a cold!

Predicted actual New Yorker winner: "Stay the course."

I'm shocked that your hairpiece remains so secure. I stopped wearing mine long ago.

I'm shocked that your hairpiece remains so secure. I stopped wearing mine long ago.

When you are halfway across, shout out to me and I will toss you the juggling balls.

I think that this would be a good time to tell you. I'm sleeping with your wife.

It's a lovely gesture, but I still think we should start seeing other people.

"God I hope you die."

"Don't look now, but the pilot of that small plane heading toward us is a pitcher for the Yank...............

"You know, in hindsight we probably shouldn't have gone with a Zogby pole. They're really unreliable."

Oh, wait. Sorry. I meant to send that in to Mickey Kaus's anti-caption contest. It's... really not funny to anyone but him.

OK, if TKC is breaking out the Non-apposite culutral/political references category:

"When the Lancet survey team comes by, shall I tell them that you only started tightrope-walking after the US invaded and that therefore your fatal plummet represents an increase over Saddam-era deaths?"

"So all you have to do is walk across and put the pole in the little holder on one of those buildings, then walk back and you get the money, OK?"

I'm going on my lunch break now so don't try any funny buisness while I'm gone.

For the last time, this office is not a circus

1) So ... how'd you hook the wire to the other side?

2) Hey, Betty! Come look what the pigeons are doing now.

3) Know anything about the copier?

4) That isn't pole dancing, Jenkins.

5) Hey, Betty! The super-hero with the tiny cape is back.

Shake shake shake it, shake it. Shake it like a polaroid picture.

"There's your straw for our Mega-Coke. And thanks for using the walk-up window at Wallendy's."

Fuck yeah man, work that pole.

"Look, now that you're out there, would you mind telling me what those things are atop the buildings across the street? I want to say they're traffic cones, but why would there be traffic cones on top of a building? Anyhoo, if you could check 'em out, that'd be swell. Oh, also: I removed that cumbersome net you installed a few floors down. Hope that's not a problem."

"Hey Fran, it's Tuesday night!... 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' night. You comin'?"

"Oh, wow. That's a relief. I thought you said you were a "pole smoker."

"Aaahh, Lippschitz, you little coke whore... Bad news Kemosabe. The vet called, said your cat died. You lost the Williams account. And uh, I've been tea bagging your donuts every morning."

"Simon? Uh, you do know the whole Dog, Money, Partner thing was just a joke, right? I only keep her around 'cause she likes peanut butter."

"Hello. How are you? Have you been alright, through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights..."

Let me show you to the water cooler. I think your divining rod is broken.

"Be careful, Lewis-- if you fall, your son will have to grow up without a father!"

"Tight rope? Tight ass!"

"We've changed our software development process from 'extreme' to 'agile'. Which basically means you stay out there. And I get a company car."

"I don't care what mapquest said, this is not the fastest way to the Fedex office. Use the rope swing outside Dan's office instead."

Man inside: "See that naked woman? I'd like to wash her windows, know what I mean?"

Man outside: "The hours here are obscene."

"I don't think you should be wearing loafers."

Meeting, three minutes. I'm going to need my extra long pre-laser pointer back. And I'm taking this wire.

"Personally I would've vaulted over but, hey, you're the Under Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs and I'm just Jeffrey Tambor, so, fine, do it your way."

A ledge just wasn't in the budget, but I think you'll be more than satisfied with our compromise solution. It was Janice's brainchild. Listen, I've got to get back to work but let me know how it goes.

Your tie is obviously a clip on.

Al, I'm not bugging your office. Those were just rumors, though I must say that your desire to 'get more proficient at complex physical activity while rocking uncontrollably' is mighty suspicious. Regardless, you should take it slow.

This reminds me of that Clint Eastwood movie, Tightrope. Of course, there the tightrope was figurative, and the main character didn't die in the end. But otherwise . . .

I don't remember the joust competition on the old American Gladiators series being this high stakes.

Last time I tried that a bird shit on me.

Hey there, if you die can I have your penis? Been thinking about adding on. The paperwork's right here.

Just once, it would be nice if the gargoyle met us halfway.

"Ok, you win. I'll marry you."

"Good thing you're not wearing a skirt. The people on the floor below us could see riiight up it."

"Do me a favor and Windex my fingerprints off the glass when you come back in. I want this place to be spotless tomorrow."

"Please Paulie, give it up! You know your true calling is the human cannonball!"

"Look, I don't want to throw you off, but...if you fall, could you try to land in front of the Starbucks? You could win me a lot of money in the office pool. Thanks, you're a pal."

"The only person you're terrorizing is yourself, Ahmed."

“All this talk of Viagra and penile implants reminds me of a charming story about my own penis. And tightropes.”

"Welcome to McDonalds. Can I take your order?"

You've made your point, Mr. Otis. Our building will buy your "elevator".

"I know, you're right, usually a trampoline is a lot wider. But as you get it going, you'll notice that it makes up in bounce what it lacks in girth."

Frankly, of all the proposals for the World Trade Center Memorial, this was my least favorite.

Hey, Bob, have you seen my medication that I take for that split personality thing? This might not be the best day for Suzy The Tightrope Cutting Schoolgirl to come out, considering how much work I have to do.

"Oh, look at the scaredy-cat who needs to use a *pole* to walk on the *tightrope*. B-cuck! B-cuck! Does baby want a
blanket, too?"

"As we are on a low budget, this is a drawing of Toronto standing in for New York."

It's your wife. Are you here?

"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea. Yes, that giant TV antenna has a lot of play in it, but now you've bent it back as far as it'll go, and no, that stick will not help you fly to safety once it springs back."

"WAIT! Come back in! There's a new caption contest, and this time we get to vote! Supposedly."

"You're wife's on the phone.
She's leaving you".

"Harry, come back! The big dog is gone!"

"I wish I was taller."

Let's wrap this up, IT just called and we're going wireless.

"If you start to lose it, try aiming for one of those cars covered in spooge."

" So I hear Marcy's been fucking a real cave man"

"Martin Short called. He wants his _______________ back." a) boyish charm; b) narcissistic tendencies; c) undetectable toupé.

"It's OK, Tom. You can come back in! They've rescued Radosh's files!"

"He's still out there, everyone! I told you he couldn't have gotten far!"

"Bob, you're the only one who hasn't signed Millie's birthday card. Come back inside - we've got Krispy Kreme! Bob? Bob?"

"Acme Tightrope just called. They need to recall your pole."

Rush Limbaugh just said that the waggling of both ends of your pole means that you're just faking it.

Worst. Juggler. Ever.

...and my drycleaning is all the way at the end.

"This reminds me--I really ought to back up my hard drive."

"Your tie--it's over your shoulder!"

"Oh great, brilliant, Thompson - you just lost the buckets off of both ends. Now what are you planning to do?"

"Getting there is the easy part. Extracting the tampon from the unconscious female giant... Well, I would have dressed differently. That's all I'm saying."

"Before you get any further, I'm going to need to have you come back in and sign the release."

"My underestanding is that it's normally done WITHOUT shoes..."

"Are you sure you'll be OK without your special tightrope shoes?"

"Quit being such a drama queen and come back in off that clothing line."

"Big fucking deal. You still can't balance your goddam checkbook."

You're overreacting, Ben. If I had a nickel for every window washer who called me a 'cocksucker', I 'd have six window washers buried under my porch, and one in the crawlspace.

I see that there should be a poll but I'm not seeing choices (in either Firefox or Safari for a Mac).

Drawing a blank page on the poll as well.

Goddamnit, I wanted to vote for "Be careful." Or is that one too genuinely funny?

> Or is that one too genuinely funny?

I just liked John Tabin's version of the joke better.

"Yes sir, the complaint department is straight ahead."

"Perhaps I should have mentioned this before but this wire is actually tied to my penis and unless you figure out a way to keep me excited I'll probably go limp."

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